THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 7

Happy Saturday, Fanz! It’s the eve of the Annual Canadian Invasion, and I’m sure you all join me in raising a frosty glass in cheer for our comrades from the north! I barely escaped with a winning record last week, but a win’s a win folks. I’ll rub some salve on my clairvoyance gland and get right to work with this week’s slate of games –

CHICAGO vs. TAMPA BAY at WEMBLY STADIUM, LONDON

The players tend to hate this now annual sales pitch to a prospective owner in the British Empire and the rest of the ownership group – but I don’t see it going away anytime soon. Perhaps this could be a good landing spot for the namesake team of the famous British sports car, but ah, I digress – on to the game – Tampa righted themselves last week with a HUGE home win over the Saints, and Da Bears added further humiliation onto the bumbling Vikings. I don’t believe that the Bears defense is back after that thumping of their division rivals. I stand by my “Bears Suck” prediction. Wrong team favoured here – The sightseeing Sucky-neers over the jet-lagged Bears.

WARSHINGTOON @ CAROLINA

Well, at last Mike Shanahan came to his senses and benched Wrecks. But does Beck present a better option? I doubt it. But that defense will present a challenge to the Cam-a-lots initially. If our beleaguered defense can slow the run enough, we can wear them down in the second half, where Cam-a-lot Nation and their Canadian counterparts can cheer the team enough to will them to our second victory of the year. I actually like that Rivera is tinkering with the 3-4, which may baffle the stumbling DeadSkin offense. The Cats are actually favoured by -2 ½ in this one. I’d feel confident to lean to the Panthers in this one.

SAN DIEGO @ NY JETS

Did y’all think last Monday’s tilt between these Jets and Miami was less than brilliant football, and not up to the usual exciting standard of the rivalry? Yeah, so did I. I DEFINITELY don’t think the Jet’s offensive woes were fixed by a contest with the sputtering Dullphins, but that defense is still a formidable machine. San Diego has been getting fat on beating the leagues weakest teams, and now must come East to a defense that is equal to the prodigious Rivers-led Charger offense. Sexy Rexy has been yakking his jaws all week about this game. I’ve learned long ago that a bunch of s**t talking comes up to bite you in the butt. Even with two weeks off for the Bolts, I still think the Jets are at an advantage in this one given the defense and the jet lag for the West Coast team. But there’s the S**t Talking Rule. Only works for Namath, Jets fans. Chargers are favored by -2 in this one. Had Rexy not spewed oral flatulence, I would have told you to take the Jets and the points. I can’t go against the almighty S**T Talking Rule. I’m going with San Diego.

SEATTLE @ CLEVELANDLAND

I’ve been pretty disappointed in the Browns this year, I’m not gonna lie. And also surprised by the fight in the SeaDogs. I’m seeing a closely- fought contest here folks, but some of the biggest impact players in the league have a degree from The University of North Carolina. Colt McCoy to Greg Little. Learn to love it, Browns Fans. It’s the difference in this game as the Carolina alumnus begins to write his story in THIS game. Browns by -3.

HOUSTON @ TENNESSEE

This is a pivotal, critical statement game for the Texans. Already behind these Titans in the standings, this game has become a MUST win if Houston wants to wrest this division from the only team capable of challenging them. The Texans come into this game shorthanded on BOTH defense and offense, and a renewed Hasslebeck has Chris Johnson to hand off to. It may be too much for Houston on the road. Take the home Titans and the -3.

DENVER @ MIAMI

This may be the most scrutinized game in the nation this week. Timmy Terrific makes his very first start for John Foxway’s Broncoids in the state that worships him. You can expect to see plenty of BOTH Gator AND Broncoid Orange in Pro Player tomorrow, but I just DON’T believe in Tebow as an NFL quarterback. I don’t believe in Matt Moore as a NFL quarterback, either. What I think those “lucky” enough to see this epic struggle will see a thoroughly unwatchable game between two bad teams. Miami is favoured by -1, and I’m leaning to the home team to win one of the worst stinkers of the year.

ATLANTA @ DETROIT

Well, you knew it was going to happen. Some upstart team was going to burst the undefeated bubble of the Lions before the TITANIC Thanksgiving matchup with the Packers. And your Cedar Street Seer accurately forecast that last week. I also forecasted a Panther win against these Duckies last week, too.
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Well, tomorrow, I’m buying into the Calvin Johnson hype. I, for the first time since I have been writing this blog for PantherFanz, will allow my fingers to hit this name onto this page.

M E G A T R O N.

Damn, I’m such a poser.

The Duckies will not stop this singular receiver. Atlanta has one of the worst pass defenses in the league, and Detroit has one of the BEST passing attacks in the league. Of course, the Panthers helped the Duckies last week with bone-headed errors, which I don’t see duplicated by the home Lions. Detroit is favored by a paltry -3 ½, but there is NO QUESTION. The LEOS WILL ABSOLUTLEY THUMP THE DUCKIES TOMORROW. Mark it down. Chisel it on the side of your house. Key it in the side of your truck. It will happen.

KANSAS SHITTY @ OAKLAND

The Al Davis Memorial Season continues with another game being held in close national scrutiny. Carson Palmer has recently been acquired by the Raiders, and may start this game, after over a year of inactivity. What hamstrings the Raiders even further is their atomic-legged kicker Janikowski could be out of this game. I think the Silver and Black will rally here against a team that truly, truly, sucks. The line is 4 ½, and I’m confident they cover.

PISSBURGH @ ARID-ZONA

The Squeelers return to the site of their last (for decades, I hope) Super Bowl win to face a decidedly diminished Cardy-noles team. However, Pissburgh is also not the same team they were two seasons ago.
I’m not ready to declare an upset in this game. The Squeelers, regrettably, are the better team here. They’ll win, and they’ll cover. Men Of Squeal by -4.

SAD LOOEY @ DALLAS

If the flawed but exciting Dallas Cowboys DON’T ABSOLUTLEY THUMP the pathetic Lambs AT HOME by TWO TOUCHDOWNS , Jason Garrett should be looking for a very uncomfortable meeting with Lord Jerry in the days to come. Not this week friends. Cowboy Nation is happy tomorrow, and will be rejoicing with the Rangers, too…

GREEN BAY @ MINI-SODA

Christian Ponder gets his first start for the Vikings tomorrow. If you’re a true competitor, you LIVE for an opportunity like this. Just imagine! The rookie from Crimminole U beating the WORLD CHAMPION PACKERS!!! And Crazy Joe and BLu get invited by Peter Jackson to guest star in the new “Hobbit” movie!
And Lauren gets hired by MTV to be the new “Snookie” in “Jersey Shore”! Hey, it could happen!

Not.

Green Bay will lose a game this year. But not tomorrow. Packers by -9.

INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ORLEANS

The “Suck for Luck” campaign gains some traction in the Superdome tomorrow night. Drew Brees’ backup will see some action in the fourth quarter, I guarantee it. Saints by two touches.

BALTY- MOORE @ JACKSONVILLE

Why, oh, why, must we endure another week of crappy prime-time matchups? With a full month before the “flex scheduling” kicks in, we’ve got to wait before we get games worth staying up for. But our friends from the Ravens Flock will be happy. Oh, will they be happy! But I’m sad to see Jack Del Rio go out like this – and further – Jacksonville looks like it will be a franchise on the move. When a city doesn’t support its team, the team leaves. I think the stadium will be half-filled with the Purple and Black for this one. Ravens by -8.

There’s the weekly picks, Fanz! Some of you I’ll see at LaVecchia’s tonight, most of you I’ll see in the lot tomorrow! Enjoy the games, eh!

Last week – 7-6
Season – 52-37

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