THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 5

Well, Fanz, Week 5 is here, and it’s the first of many bye-reduced schedules. Already there are must-win games, statement games, and games not worthy of our attention, unless we happen to be fans of those unworthy participants. One thing remains constant, and it’s my continued winning record.

Let me demonstrate –

KANSAS SHITTY @ INDIANAPOLIS

Here’s one of those games CBS will send their “D” squad to. This game’s got as much buzz as a can of fossilized yella jackets. The Chefs are coming off of a rare win, and the Colts have actually shown some fight since the tussle with Pissburgh – and here’s something unusual – Indy’s actually FAVOURED - Peyton will be patrolling the sideline as an observer and cheerleader, but I don’t think it will make much of a difference – more of a reminder of how far this once elite squad has fallen. But I got a feelin’ with this game – I think the loyal fans will help motivate the Colts to a rare home win against a team that’s reeling as well. I like the Colts to win at home, and I like the -2 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ MINI-SODA

And, here’s another game that I’m sure Sam Rosen will be calling for Fox. For the Cardy-Noles, this is a must-win if they are going to keep pace with the suddenly surging Niners. They blew it against Seattle on the road, they can’t blow this one. For the Vikings, the season may already be done. Arid-Zona can certainly move the ball – they have the better offensive squad, by far. Wrong team favoured in this game – Take the Cardy-Noles and the +2 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ BUFFALO

As my clairvoyance gland pumps Nej-osterone into my system, the Phillies are continuing to trail in a decisive Game 5 in the NLDS. Should they fail, karma’s malfeasant breath will be breathing on Philthytown. And it may follow the Iggles all the way to Upstate New York. Buffalo’s a bad team to get well on. We’re about to see how the Iggles perform with their wings against the fire – and I’m not confident. Winning breeds confidence, and losing, well –

Wrong team favored here, too. Take the underdog Beels at home and the +2 ½. (Gee, Vegas likes that number this week…)

CrOAKLAND @ HOUSTON

Well, Raiders, you let me down last week. Here’s another bad place to get back on the winning side. Andre’ Johnson may be out, but Arian Foster’s back, and Matt Schaub’s got some other options at receiver. The Texans can’t let this opportunity at home pass – they’re on a mission this year. Take the home team and the -6.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA

I wish I had more time to write in this blog, because this game deserves some pre-game hype. This contest will possibly be the most entertaining of the day if you like unrelenting offense. The Saints offer it in vast quantities. But they’ve got company at the top of the offensive standings in the league – yeah- that’s right –

US.

I suspect that blitzin’ coordinator Gregg Williams may be forced to contain his blitz considering Sir Cam-a-lot has shown himself immune to it. If the Bears couldn’t sack him, do you think this team can? I see scoring play after scoring play for both sides. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the point aggregate approach 80 – this is why you buy the tickets! It will be a beautiful day, and a beautiful day to be a football fan in Charlotte, North Carolina. The Panthers have been a coverin’ machine this year, and I don’t see Sunday being any different – This is a game we’ve got a real shot to win. Take the Panthers and +6 ½. And somehow, I’m sensing a Shockey edge…. Just sayin’….

CINCINNATI @ JACKSONVILLE

I have this feeling there will be caravans of sun-seeking WhoDeys making the trip southward to a cavernous Jacksonville Stadium to see their defensively stout Bungles best a rapidly fading Jaggy-whyers team. The Cincinnati “D” has actually been in the upper tier of defensive stats this season so far. I expect it to continue. All they have to do is stop MJD, and the job’s done in a LOW scoring contest. Once again, wrong team is favoured here. This Sunday will be the Day of the Dog, I’m tellin’ you. Take the Bungles and the WHOOOOOOOOO DEYYYYYYYYYYYYY 2 ½. Damn, there’s that number again….

TENNESSEE @ PISSBURGH

This game is starting to stink to me. Do you know who number #3 among starting QB’S in the league is this year? I’ll give you a hint – It’s not the big dude with “BERGER” in his name – I’ll give you another hint – it’s a BALD dude with “BECK” in his name. I still think that the Titans are bound to fade this year, but this Squeeler team just looks bad. Without some stalwarts in the defense this week, particularly James Harrison, they are giving up yards in amounts previously unthinkable. They are riddled with injuries, and both lines are a mess. The Pissburgh turnover-creating machine is no more. Meanwhile, Matt Hasslebeck is looking like a player in his prime and is leading this bunch of overachievers as best as he can…. Still….This is the Squeelers, and they’re at home. If they lose this game, you can regard the loss as a bellwether for the season, and it won’t be good – I’d love to see ‘em lose, but I’m leanin’ to the Squeel boys and the -3, which for this contest, is ridiculously small…

SEATTLE @ NY GIANTS

The fattest spread of the week goes to the resurgent GeeeeeeeeeeeeeMen – who entertain one of the worst teams in the league – This is the game you HAVE to win if you are going to keep pace with the Deadskins - Don’t look past these guys, G’ints – I’m confident they cover the -10.

TAMPA BAY @ SAN FRANCISO

Don’t look now, but here’s a game of division leaders that would have been a “meh” game last season. It’s a shame the networks in the Charlotte area will carry the NE-NY game late instead of this one. I was far more impressed with the Niner’s performance than I was with the snoozer Tampa displayed last Monday night. Jim Harbaugh kept the team in OH to prevent jet lag – Seems he was onto something -San Francisco needs to feed the Sucky-neers a heavy dose of Frank Gore and the run game. If Alex Smith doesn’t have to win the game, the Niners win. RIGHT team favoured – Niners by -3.

NY JETS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

Bad day to be the Jets. Don’t think Dr. Cheatin’Chek remembers the ass-kickin his Pastry-Rots got last year? The Jet’s offense is horrible, and the weak New Englandgland defense will get well on this one. If Brady can turn enough dink and doink plays into first downs, he gasses the only real threat the Jets possess, and by the fourth quarter, the points begin to pile up. For Brady’s bunch.

SAN DIEGO @ DENVER

If John Fox even considers responding to the chants for Tim Tebow in this Sunday afternoon contest, he will architect his own doom in the Mile High City. Don’t count on it. You’ll see Brady Quinn take the field before Tebow could sniff it. Won’t matter. The Chargers have far more bullets in the arsenal than do the Broncoids. It will be a laugher for San Diego over a team that’s already going to pieces.

GREEN BAY @ ATLANTA

Remember me talking about the tormentor of my youth in this week’s rant? Brother Serge took delight in kickin’ me and my younger brother’s ass. Duckies –

Prepare to be more delightful for Green Bay.

Remember the flashbacks Rocky Balboa had in the third movie of Mr T’s character beatin’ his head in?

The Duckies have them about the Packers stomping their manhood into the Field Turf at the Indoor Duck Pond.

Oh, they’ll put up a fight – for maybe a quarter or two. The Duckies’ defense is weak this year. Uh oh.

Unstoppable Packers win big.


CHICAGO @ DETROIT

I’m not sure that anyone has really grasped this as of yet – the two primetime games this week feature the only two unbeaten teams in the NFL. Regrettably, it’s not against each other – if Detroit and Green Bay continue to win, it won’t be until Thanksgiving day. For this Hankless Monday Night tilt, I see the Bears at a distinct disadvantage. If they had problems stopping Carolina at home, I can imagine what that Detroit offense is going to do to them at Ford Field. Running Forte alone isn’t going to do the job, and I don’t think Martz has enough of his kind of players to dent that nasty Leos D. The line is -6 for Detroit, and they are going to cover. Bring on Thanksgiving!!!

Ok, Fanz – go with the Seer, and you continue to win. Speaking of winning, you AUTOMATICALLY win when you set foot on the Pantherfanz Tailgating lot and join your football poisoned pals and pump yourself up for the game! I’ll see you there!

Last week- 9-7
Season-37-26