31 October, 2009


It’s late, Fanz, but I’m begrudgingly returning to the scene of the disaster that was last weekend’s picks. I was sure that I wouldn’t be doing any sister kissing, but I never thought I would be going THE OTHER WAY!


Well, I’m giving myself one more chance to get this right as Foxy is giving Jokey one more pokey at a Winnie.

Here we go.

One of the really good games of the week, the Broncoids have finally made a believer in me, weeks ahead of the rest of the nation. They’re a really good story to somewhat take your mind off of whatever gar-bage that’s taken the cheer out of you. The Ravens have actually been STRONGER OFFENSIVELY than defensively, and that’s astonishing to this fan of the league. Joey Flacco has become a bonafide budding star, and valuable fantasy player! I think this will be a tale of two halves – The first half, a body bag contest as the defenses pound at each other, the second, a shootout. I like Kyle Orton and what McDaniels does with the Broncoid offense as of late, but I’m leaning to the home Quothers, because of the consistent performance of THEIR offense. Expect the Ravens to cover the – 3 ½.


Da Bears really, really piss me off. That team had no business losing as badly as it had to the Bungles last week, and like Carolina, really needed their Week 8 game to keep pace and get back in the pack. No such luck. With the Vikings in command of the Norris Division with the Packers right behind, the Bears cannot afford to fall further back. This SHOULD be a get well game for the Midway Muddlers, and I think Cutler & co. are good enough to dispatch a really BAD Brownies team in the comfy confines of Soldier Field. Even by +13.

How Buffalo can be so grossly outgained in yardage, and STILL pull off two consecutive teams that are STATISTICALLY better than they are can be summed up in one word – Turnovers. They are collecting them at the most opportune times, and they have a chance to return to respectability with a tilt against the not-yet-arrived Texans. Houston surprised me last week by going Dr. Jeckyll, so I say they go Hyde this week. Bills to cover the 3 ½.


Act II of the Drama Bowl series finds the “prodigal Favre” coming to the home of his greatest achievements. The Squeeler defense showed the way to blunt the Viking attack, but Green Bay does not have the talent that Pissburgh does. I know the revenge angle factors hugely, but games are not won and lost by this emotion. It’s all about execution, and I believe Mini-Soda’s defense will control the game. Wrong team favoured – Vikings by +3.


So far this year, I haven’t seen a team short of Pissburgh, Balty-Moore or Mini-Soda that I think could stop Peyton Manning and his Colts. I’ve seen San Francisco. They ain’t it. And Indy gets headhunter Bob Sanders back at safety this week. Uh oh. Ordinarily, I would take the underdog with a 12 point spread, but the Sanders issue convinces me. Colts to cover, and win big, one more time.


Without run-stuffer Kris Jenkins in the middle, the Jets are a different team defensively. Miami is one of the very best teams in the league in executing the run. It’s an offensive game plan that travels well, and Miami’s already beaten these guys this season. Offensively the Jets are hamstrung without Jericho Cotchery and Leon Washington, so I like Miami in what will probably be another highly entertaining game by +3.


Ugh. To have to watch this game. Precious if you’re a Lions fan, because this give you a great chance to punch a “W”. Precious if you’re a Lambs fan, because this may be the ONLY chance this season to punch a “W”. Stafford and Calvin Johnson could be available for this game, and will make a difference if they play. Vegas doesn’t like this game either, because the line is off as of this very late writing. I lean to the Leos at home.


Well, well, history came out correctly last week with Comrade Cowboy overcoming the Falkkon Reich. The Duckies are a great team to get your mojo back on, and it looks like the Seadogs have gotten their one good game for the season over and done with. Dallas have found their #1 receiver to go with their effective ground game, so I’d anticipate a long day for those Northwestern vistors to the Jones Mahal.
The line is at 9 1/2, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see this game go to the double digits. Go ahead, take the Cowpuppies. Possibly the lock of the week.


I am not taking the AfRaiders again this season. Not happening. Not at any point spread. I am now convinced the win over the Iggles was a pure and simply karmatic anomaly. This is a bad, bad team, and the Chargers need this win big time. The 16 ½’s a LOT of points, but I stand by my vow. Bolts, Blots, Bolts.


If Vince Young was in any shape to be a starter in this league, he would have never lost his job to Kerry Freakin’ Collins, who’s days as a starter in the NFL should be about the same length as that of Joke Delhomme. It’s a good story if he can redeem himself, but it ends badly for the Titans on this game. Wrong team favoured in this game – Jacksonville’s playing so much better than anyone had expected them to. Jaggywhyers by +3.

I suppose we as Panther fans can hitch our hopes to an over-confident team that’s beaten an overrated Giants team, the fact that this is Delhomme’s last chance to exorcise the Cardy-nole demons visited upon him earlier this year in the ever-painful divisional playoff debacle here at home. Another breakout game by Stewilliams, AND Steve Smith.

Dream on.

Forget that we owe this team something, Arid-zona is playing far more consistently than last year, and they’ve found not only their offensive footing, but their defensive footing. If we’ve struggled against mediocre and bad teams, can you picture the result against a GOOD team? Not a good afternoon to be a Panther fan and sitting with your pals gnashing your teeth in front of the TV. No question, Cardy-noles by double digits.


Something’s missing in the GeeeeMen this season – the defense isn’t as dominating as they once were, the rushing attack isn’t as effective, and rushers are starting to get to Brotha Manning. The Fleeguls blitz more than any other team in the league short of Pissburgh. The Iggles are back to what they want to be after that aberration in CrOakland. It’s a pick ‘em at this point, and I think you’d do well to pick Philthydelphia. Plus there’s that baseball game being played in Liberty Town… Against a New York team… Karma? You betcha…


Uh oh, wrong sport.


For years, the Saints/Falcons game was the most important on the schedule for me. And I’m thrilled this game has once again acquired some significant juice. The media just LOVES the darling Duckies and their cuddly quarterback. The rest of us who matter are pulling for the menchen that is Drew Brees. Dallas exposed the wretched Duckie secondary – hell, even the Panthers riddled it. Michael Turner looks like he’s running in mud, and I think the Saints will bomb and bomb and bomb the Duckies back to the middle of the NFL pack by the end of the evening on Monday. How much respect does Vegas give the Duckies? Not much. It’s an unfathomable 10 points, and I’m laying all of the lumber on the Mighty Saints.

Here goes my last chance – Have a great All Saints Day!

Last week – 4-9
Season – 52-50

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25 October, 2009


The buzz has quickly worn off, and I’m sitting at the keyboard realizing what has to come. The most constant thing about our lives is change, and it will also be with our football team. I realized this as I sat with my most excited princess watching the game unfold. There are things I will be saying goodbye to in my life in the months to come, and as this rant goes, it will be about the team. If there ever was a “must win” game in our history, it was this one. This loss is painful, and one that has made THiS particular fan markedly introspective.

As two very makeable kicks go, prepare to say “Goodbye” to John Kasay. When the sole reason for your roster spot is to make kicks from inside the 35, you are expendable when you don’t. This is a different game if he doesn’t fail. John is a terrific stand-up man of character, and he’ll be great in whatever he plans to do after football. Start next year, John. It’s your time.

I think it goes without saying we are going to bid “Adieu” to Joke Delhomme. His two turnovers today were the absolute difference in the game, more so than Kasay’s misses. The problem is, we don’t have a feasible alternative on our roster for the season. But I suppose the brain children that control our beloved franchise will figure out a way to opt out of that ridiculous contract hewn for our over- the-hill quarterback for next year.

I think it’s also reasonable to say “Arribiderche” to any chance at a winning record, OR the playoffs for this season. There’s not a soul of even average intellect that can look at the next ten games and see more than two wins. So far this year, only Tennessee’s incredible collapse exceeds our fall from the elite of the league. And it’s upsetting for me.

So, with the bidding of farewell for the postseason, it’s also expected to say “BonVoyage” to John Fox and Marty Hurney. The wretched performance and wretched personnel decisions of this year pretty much doom them to the exit door. To mortgage next year’s draft pick for a marginal player like Everett Brown is inexcusable. I cannot recall a time in our franchise’s history when draft picks were so essential, and now, it seems that even after a historically bad season coming down the pike, we will be bereft of those vital picks. An error, and a quite grievous one, solely on the head of FoxHurney. And it will cost them their jobs, believe me! Incredibly enough, Ron Meeks may be spared the scythe of purging as the defense has played much better as the season has come. There is no way you can hang this loss in any way on the defense’s play. I will expect Meeks and his charges will be playing for their jobs in the weeks to come. Jeff Davidson is a dead man walking.

And sad to say, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to see us have to say “Sayonara” to Steve Smith. He is, by far, the most marketable of our players, and one certain to get us the first round draft choice that we are not getting in ’10. Our best player isn’t going to be making a difference if the rest of the team is below standard. Contrary to his belief, Smitty IS QUITE the asset to this team! As a TRADING COMMODITY! This team needs a FRANCHISE QUARTERBACK in the worst way, and there’s several going to be available in the upcoming draft! We need one of them more so than we need Steve Smith. If you understand the game, you will come to that realization yourself.

Overall, it’s time to say “Aloha” to not only the Pro Bowl in Hawaii, (yawn!) but to the Panthers as we have known them for the past 7 years. As it is now, we are looking at two years, at the very least, before we can return to competitive levels. And here’s what saddest of all---

The Suckaneers will be a year ahead of us.

I’m just glad we have the PantherFanz tailgate party, because that’s one of my life’s greatest pleasures. I know it’s one of yours, too. Despite the sucky play of our team, they are STILL the Panthers I married with my PSL’s , and I know because of Uncle Jerry’s character, we won’t be sucky for long. In the years to come, we will once again cheer a team with player wearing a number between 1 and 19 running his Carolina Panthers to heights that will keep us buzzing into offseasons uncounted. And we will be putting faith in a coach of steely resolve that will return us to the lofty levels we expect of this franchise.

But it’s not happening with what we have now.

Thank you so much, Peter, for continuing to bring your countrymen down for greatly anticipated fellowship! Thank you, Hans and crew, for thinking enough of us to come down and grace us with a second vist! And thank you so much, Dano and James and everyone else that makes PantherFanz go. The party is all we have left, it seems, as it goes with NFL football in our fair city. And whatever team we pulled for before we gave Uncle Jerry all that money. The memory of Marc deserves that much.

Go Saints. And whoever is playing the Duckies. Or the Comrade Cowpuppies.

I’m ranted out.

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24 October, 2009


The closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister is my hot, cougary- Aunt Rachel who is quite kissable.

Pucker up, Rach!

Ok, now that I’ve adequately creeped myself out, I won’t belabor the fact that I went 7-7 last week, but come on! Did you see the SchRaiders dumpin’ the Iggles? What about the Bayou Beatdown of the GEEEEEMen? Seadogs jumpin’ the shark to the Cardy-noles? Yeah, I didn’t either.

So here’s the weekly handicap, presented to you by your incestuous Cedar Street non-Seer.

It seems pretty apparent that the once-mighty Charger defense is in decline, and when Shawne Merriman isn’t saving hot drunk girls from their savage outbursts, he’s no longer a difference maker on the field. But Phillip Rivers and his playmakers still get it done. Chefs will make it a game, but this is one the Blue Bolt Boys have just gotta have. Take the Chargers and the 4 1/2 in a surprisingly entertaining shootout.

I was wrong about the perfect illustration of the divide between haves and aint got S**T in the NFL last week when I honoured the Iggle/SchRaider game with that adjective. It’s this one. Older Brotha Manning AINT McSnabb, and these Colts are gonna finish the Ewes early. Indy by 13 EASY.

Sometimes ONE player makes a tremendous difference on a team, and for Cincinatti, it’s Dlineman Antawn Odom, lost for the season, that helped lead these Bungles to a respectable 4-1 start. No more, baby. And Chicago’s one player, Brian Urlacher, has not hurt them as badly with his early trip to IR. The Bears are pissed coming in after blowing not one, but TWO goal line drives to the Duckies. Without their platinum pass rusher to harass Jay Cutler, I think Da Bears have their way with their feline opponents. Bears Big over Bungles.


Nice shutout of the Leos last week, Packers. Now they get a chance to do the same to another NFL bottomfeeder. But what’s with the wimpy line, Vegas? ONLY 7 ½ ? Come on, man! This is Aaron Rodgers and his Frisbee Catchin’ Dogs! Packers by double digits, but D. Driver, Jennings and Co? Don’t jump into the Dawg Pound…

Here’s a game fans are salivating over. Some are predicting a shootout, but I think this is going to be a body bag game for the defenses. If the Raven’s couldn’t make Favre say OWWW! Last week, I guarantee the Squeelers will. And they Vikings have something for Awfulsberger, too. If he doesn’t get a quicker release of the ball, they will have to bring out a stretcher to carry him off of Heinz Field. I’m going to give the edge to the better offensive line. Wrong team favoured here. Although BOTH QB’s might get knocked out of this game, Vikings prevail, if not cover the +4.


Here’s the showcase game of the year for those who’s mission it is to export a purely AMERICAN game internationally. And the Brits just eat it up. Too bad they’re not conneseuirs of the game, or they’d send this one back to Roger Goodell. The Suckaneers are truly BAD this year, and the Pastry-Rots are starting to click. This one will be over before the half. NewEnglandland BIG, REAL BIG. Possibly as big as last weeks erasure of the Teeny-Tinies.

This is Houston’s Mr. Hyde Week. Niners by +3. And Samurai’s boys are nice and rested after the bye.

Ohhhh, boy, this game all of a sudden looks far harder to call than it looked like last week. If you told me that the J*E*T*S would gash Beefalo for over 3 bills on the ground, AND LOSE, I would have given you the number of a really good therapist. But lo and behold, it came to pass. Five turnovers will make that happen. I’m not sure a long trip out West helps them out, and for one week, Oakland Stadium really DID become a Black Hole. Winning can become contagious just as losing can be. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’m actually encouraging y’all to take the AfRaiders and the +6 points. HEEEESH!

Last week, the Panthers took a team on a one-game winning streak to a really bad team’s field who were near the very bottom of league standings against the run. We all relished the result. Buffalo’s WORSE against the run. If Joke Delhomme doesn’t turn the ball over, the results are duplicated, and the ‘Cats win streak goes to 3 before the Big Boy Schedule comes around. Rejoice in the .500 record this week, Panther FanZ! It could be the last time this season. The line is off, but take the Panthers. It’s Canadian Week, and they are obliged to punch a “W”.

If there was ever a time for the Saints to have a “dud” game it would be here. The Dolphins are out of conference for them, and are playing pretty good ball, particularly in the rushing attack. A nice, warm , humid Miami afternoon is not an environment-controlled afternoon in the SuperDome. The Saints won’t carbon-copy last week’s beatdown of the Mighty GEEEEEMen. Take the Dolphins to cover the +6 ½.

For me, the equivalent of choosing Stalin over Hitler. The Cowboyskis really do have a game that rushes through defenses like a T-34 with the governor off. Meanwhile, Das Falkonnes scream onto opponents like a JU-87 Stuka with Matthias Ryann firing hi-velocity Flakveriling 88 shots down the field to his Stormtroopers. This WILL be the shootout of the day. The team turning the ball over will defeated like the Wermacht at the Battle of Kursk. Uh, oh, Comrade Anton Romoskavitch. You turn the ball over too much. Hitler and his Falkonnes by +4. But I’ll be pulling for Comrade Cowboys.

Ok, know what? Superman and the Super Friends couldn’t beat the Saints last week. The Cardy-noles are statistically terrible coming east . I’m inclined to believe the G’ints recover from last week’s disappointment and throttle the invaders from the Arid State. GeeMen and -7.

Hey PantherFanz-

Who would you rather be?

I thought so. Just like a train wreck, this is a Monday night game that will be hard to take your eyes off of. Nothing pretty here. The Iggles looked awful in a loss to the SchRaiders, and to be honest, they usually have at least a couple of clunkers every season. Last year, they had a chance to clinch a playoff spot against the struggling DeadSkins and failed, and badly. Meanwhile, Jim Zorn is a dead man walking for Warshingtoon. With his team rapidly imploding, and enmasculated by his GM, this is a team that may not win another game. I think the Iggles win in this one, and big. By at least the -7 points.

I think Aunt Rachel will be safe after this week.

Last week – 7-7
Season – 48-41

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A week of Steve Smith dominating the Panthers news confirms the perfect illustration I gave Panther Nation last week. Divas in the passing game are simply high maintenance. Terrel Owens. Jerry Rice. Plaxico Burress, on and on and on. Yes, there is no doubt they help you win, and they electrify the team and their fans when they're on.

Just like that trophy of estrogenal perfection, let them be dissatisfied for a moment, let you decide to play golf instead of going to the gardening show, and


For some, the thrill of the forward pass, or the dazzling companion is narcotic.

For me, I'll just curl up with my comfy running game and pound it between the tackles, while Stewilliams sweetly asks me if I'd like jam on my toast...

Picks comin' right up!

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18 October, 2009


I would first like to thank Dano and the Lovely Yvonne for opening up their home to the Seer and family as well as other members of the Pantherfanz Tribe. The grub was MOST excellent! I also would like to acknowledge Dano’s Spock-like analysis of his DirecTV issues, thus saving the afternoon for all.

With that being said, I am conditioned, as most NFL fans are, to respond to the long, arcing pass that results in either a big yardage gain or a touchdown. While it’s effect on the overall game can be likened to a precision laser strike, the less glamorous, but far more lethal rushing attack, is really how the game should be played. And what we, Panther Nation, had witnessed with just under 8 minutes left to play, might have been one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in pure football execution. After another completely bone-headed INT by the besieged Joke Delhomme, I think Foxy may have thrown up his hands, and said to his OC Davidson – “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO, JUST DON’T CALL ANY PASSING PLAYS!”

Ok, one little safe slant to Steve Smith, which by the way, was his ONLY COMPLETION of the day! The rest, as you saw, was an example of HOW TO USE TWO OF THE BEST BACKS IN THE LEAGUE! So where has this been since January 10th? I would rather lose, 9-12, in a field goal game, than lose by the margins we’re losing by via the TURNOVERS generated by our quarterback! More on that later. But seriously, when you can plow the defense over, and gash them for yard after yard, what do you need with the pretty passing game?

It makes me think of two women I have the pleasure of knowing, who’ll not be identified here. One is probably the very hottest woman I’ve ever met. A towering 6’2”, flowing raven rivelts of shiny hair, dazzling crystal blue eyes, and a figure sprung right to life from Frank Cho’s hyper-realistic drawings of plus-size beauty. With her glamourous other-worldly beauty comes the baggage of a plethora of high-maintenance issues. The other, a middle aged, naturally beautiful woman of equal height, with naturally wavy blonde hair, and far more Reubenesque. A pleasant face, her even demeanor and commonsensical thinking would make her more my choice as someone to build a life with. You know the brunette turns you on, but you are far better off with the blonde. (Didn’t Archie wind up with Betty?) That, in effect makes her far more beautiful to me, like my wife Kathie and women just like her. I’ll let the high-maintenance male Adonis counterpart deal with Brunette Barbie.

So does the notion of soaring rainbows into the arms of Steve Smith go the way of my rejection of High-Maintenance Mama? Perhaps, if you have to deal with the issues of turnovers by the ton! I say, in this football relationship, you have to go with what works! Stewilliams may not look as pretty as a fifty-yard bomb to Steve Smith, but after today, I have to say they get the job done! And I’ve seen Mamma Blondie all dressed up, too, and she’s nothing to sneeze at. Once in a while you get to dance with a really pretty girl, but you do that enough times, and you wind up in trouble.

And now, we will all have to say that the Jake Delhomme era here in Pantherland has seen its last year. Today has pretty much convinced me of that. NFL players all hit a wall at some point in their careers when their once – stellar play has suddenly morphed into mediocrity, or worse. Any of you remember Shawn Alexander? Drew Bledsoe? Mark Brunell? There comes a point in an athlete’s life when the body simply can’t perform as it once did. Go around the league today – LaDamian Thomlinson. Kerry Collins. Clinton Portis. Issac Bruce. And now, Jake Delhomme. It’s over, Jake. If the Panthers SOMEHOW manage to rise above the suckiness we’ve witnessed so far this season, it won’t be because of any heroics you’ve accomplished. And now, what Jeff Davidson has to do, is to create plays that maximize use of Stewilliams, and that naturally beautiful running game that this afternoon was as beautiful as Little Ally’s momma. And quit dancing with the purty girl with the issues.

Can’t wait for the Canadian Contingent and the Bills.

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16 October, 2009


A happy weekend to you all, the week after “Blowout Week” in the NFL. And I feel like I got blown out going 6-7. I forgot to handicap the Jets/Dolphins game, which would have gone Miami anyway, but that would have put me at a sister-kissin’ 7-7.

Wretched. Absolutely wretched. And the week of beatdowns continues, with more lopsided matchups and bottom feeders versus bottom feeders. At least Monday Night looks really appealing. As my failing gall bladder writhes my gut, I want to get this over with. Let rip into it, SHALL WE???

Can the Bungles live with prosperity? At 4-1, and leading the division, they can keep Pissburgh and Balty-Moore at arms’ length with a win over the Jekyll and Hyde Texans. I’m not convinced Cincy’s for real yet, and it’s Dr Jekyll’s turn for the Texans this week. Texans to cover the +5.

I’m incredulous over the 6 ½ points being laid here. Come on, the DeadSkins are terrible wherever they play! The Chefs made a game of it against the Cowpuppies last week, and this is another chance for the team to garner just a little respect. The FredSkins are imploding, and I think the Chefs are game once more. Gimme the Chefs and the -6 ½.

Come on, man. Squeelers and any number you like over -14. And Polomalu comes back next week. Uh oh.

This is the game to keep your eye on if the Panthers/Suckaneers game gets really ugly. The Ravens ended their last two games in agonizing fashion when victory was in their grasp, the first by an offensive collapse, the second on a defensive blunder by none other than Ray-Ray Lewis. They are NOT losing three games in a row. This will be a serious body-bag game dominated by the best defenses in the league. This is where Brett Favre says “ow”.
Let me try that again –

This is the game where Brett Favre says “OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”
Ed Reed makes a play that wins the day for the Ravens. Ravens to cover the -3, and to WIN!

The second consecutive blackout for the North Florida viewing market. I don’t blame them. Look, Jacksonvillians, it’s a blessing. Jags by double digits.

I’m sorry, I’m not feeling the “big game” here. This is a big statement game for The Saints, and I’m not sure they’re ready. They rarely are in this type of matchup. The G’ints are ALWAYS ready for this kind of game, and I think Brotha Manning and his Frisbee Catchin’ PUPPIES will be unstoppable, even in the StuporDome. Saints will get their points, but not enough to overcome the GEEEEMen. Wrong team favoured – Take the Giants STRAIGHT UP to win!

I recall a game in 2004 when the Panthers were 1-7, and looking at imploding, losing to the woeful Phoney-Niners 0-17 at the half. Then something happened. They went on a tear, and rallied to win this game, and the next 7. While I’m not sayin’ this year is the same,
I’m just sayin’.
Perhaps the rally started last week.
If the illusion of a rejuvenated defense becomes reality, and they manage to keep the mobilie Suckaneer QB Josh-Josh in check, this could be a game where many facets of the Panthers game begins to get well.
‘Cats by -3 ½.

I know it’s of little solace to Leos Fans, but you guys are no longer the worst team in the NFL! Other than the blowout at Soldier Field, the Leos have been quite competitive! The Packer offensive line has been a wreck lately, exemplified by the shameful stat of Rodger’s sack rate – worst in the league. Leos make a game of this. Packers will no doubt win, but Leos cover the + 13 ½.

There is no game that better illustrates the haves-and-have-nots in this league than this one. The Iggles are a team that’s going somewhere, and Michael Vick has a seat in the back of the train. The afRaiders are the picture of incompetence. And I’m wasting page space on this game. Pick any number above -14.
Iggles romp. Seriously, COME ON , MAN!

Ok, the Seadogz made me look bad last week. This is truly a different team with Hasslebeck on it, and they responded magnificently to his return last week. This is a game they will have to win to feel as if they can contend in this division. And win they will. I’m not buyin’ the Cardynoles, and neither is Seattle.
Hawks by -3.

How, how does Buffalo LOSE to MAXIMUMLY WRETCHED CLEVELANDLAND AT HOME, 3-6, in possibly the most depressing piece of crap game in recent memory? If I was Ralph Wilson, I would have publicly apologized in every media possible to the fans in Upstate NY for that abortion of a game where the winning QB had a rating of 15! And the Jet s are pissed, boy howdy, are they pissed about dropping that emotional up-and-down game against their fiercest rivals in Miami. They take it out on the visiting Bills. Blowout city, baby, J*E*T*S by double digits.

Speaking of pissed, Dr EvilChek and his creation, Tom Brady, have got to be incensed at letting victory escape their grasp in the Mile High City last week. And Belichek is purty dang good at attacking an opponent’s weakness. In Tennesee, take your pick, but the most glaring is the secondary. If you have Tommy Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Ben Watson, etc, in your fantasy league, Sunday will be payday. Patsies by double digits. The misery continues for the Music City Malefeacense.

Damn, I hate picking the Duckies in this game, but in their dome, with this team, they will be better than Da Bears on Sunday Night. Sorry. I’d be overjoyed to see Cutler and Co. outscore them, but I think the Duckies have the better run game. Could be an entertaining scorefest, though, so make room for TO on your couch and get your popcorn ready. D-D-Duckies b-b-by -3.

Alright Fanz, I am NOT missing handicapping THIS one- This could be the best game of the week – This is one of those “circle the wagons” games for the Chargers, and I think they will be up for the task. Denver’s rejuvenated team won’t make it easy, but neither team is going to leave anything on the field. Don’t go to bed at halftime, no matter the score! It’s tighter than the -4 Vegas is giving the ‘Bolts. I lean to the Broncoids, and I can’t believe I’m doin’ that, but yes, I’ll say it again,
I’m leanin’ to the Broncoids and the +4.

There you go Fanz, the perfect remedy for 6-7. I’m feelin’ it this week!

Last week 6-7
Season 41-34

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15 October, 2009


Yes, it’s a bit late Fanz, but better late than not at all. The buzz from a really awesome party has worn off, along with the relief felt of a spirited rally by our Panthers. While most of the performances of our team from that day are rather pedestrian when you look at the overall history, ESPECIALLY last season,
There’s one thing that stood out to me, and it has made a lasting impression on me.
Even at 2-2, the Warshingtoon Redskins are widely regarded by the folks covering the league to be one of the league’s WORST, a sizable battalion of fans drove from places in Northern VA and Mary-land to our lot in vehicles road-worn but visibly wearing the passion of their owners. From the taxidermy boar’s head on the Microbus, to the supremely geeky-cool P-40 on the Jetta, down to the license plates telling the world on the road that “DALLSUX “, this was a crew that was committed to the party, committed to the team, regardless of the supreme suckage that IS the Warshingtoon DEADskins.

It was at that time, I received the mandate from the Supreme Galactic Being you worship by the name you know HIM as. If we, residents of Charlotte, North Carolina, want to be a REAL NFL city, we have to be like its fans. We are NOT going to be good every year. NO NFL team is great year in, year out. Go down the list of this year’s contenders. Have the Giants, Colts, Ravens, Packers, Vikings, Saints ever had sucky years? How long did the Saints suck gigantic prehistoric pterodactyl balls? Things in this league are cyclical. They always will be. But the one thing that’s constant is that the fans of the game and those that love the team and their town will always fill the seats. Does Clevelandland suck? Do they ever! Think the Dawg Pound will be full every game? If you bet against it, you’d be bound to lose. And we, the purchasers of the PSL, evacuate the stadium after the third quarter like they found an ancient hyper-radioactive relic under the field. Do you think for a minute that fans of the long-suffering Chefs and Bungles wouldn’t trade their ownership and coach for ours?

Yeah, our team has early problems this year, and we, present company DEFINITELY included, have made a habit of bashing this team on practically every level. And much of it’s deserved. But I would like to pass the mandate down to you, my lot mates, and those of you who follow the team, read the blogs, listen to PacMan or Frank and Buck or whichever sports show you tune into – Support the team. Love the team. We had no problems loving, with all of our hearts, those early bumbling but loveable (and sensitive!) Hornets twenty years ago. Just like quarreling brothers are quick to pound each other on the head, let an outsider even think about making a hostile move, and the brothers unite. Just like Ricky and Bo.

So it should be on game day. Yeah, Peppers SUCKS! But he’s OUR Peppers! Jake sucks, but he’s OUR Jake! And they’re capable of playing the game. I’m not saying we shouldn’t criticize the team, not at all. I just think that denying all support because our team doesn’t ring up touchdowns like doughnuts at a dollar store is wrong. It’s wrong to those cats coming down in their DeadSkin bus, it’s wrong to those drunken Suckeyes in the Dawg Pound, it’s wrong to those professional tailgaters at Arrowhead, and it should be wrong to us.
Follow the mandate, Fanz! Do the Panthers suck this year? Yeah, so far. Is there more wins in ‘em? Maybe. Will the party in the lot be killer? Damn straight. Perhaps after this year, we will begin to shed the embryonic membrane of newness off ourselves, and become a REAL NFL TOWN. It’s our mandate, brought down to us in a beat-up burgundy and gold Microbus with a tacky helmeted HOG on the roof.

See you tomorrow with the picks.

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08 October, 2009






You know, sometimes you're the hammer, and other times…


Ahhh, you know.


This week has what I think are going to be some unwatchable blowouts, and some, unwatchable contests between really bad teams. The start line between the haves and have-nots are quite stark this week. Parity? What Parity? Pete Rozelle can't be pleased watching from his heavenly viewing lounge. Here comes the beatdowns…


Starting with…



I just couldn't stay away from this Monday's game. Oh, the drama. The sickening adulation of an over-the hill quarterback, I don't care what the star-struck media says. Favre's PEERS had voted him this week as the game's NUMBER ONE MOST OVERRATED PLAYER! What does that tell you? What Brett's good fortune is, is that he plays on a team with a ferocious defense and a dazzling running game. Favre could throw five picks and STILL, the Vikings would blow the Lambs out of their own stadium. Brad Childress knows this, too, he has to. So Brett, just hand off to A.P, and let the defense do the rest. The line is a WIMPY 9 ½, and the Vikings feast on Lamb like their brethren on the Capital One commercials.



Make no mistake, Dallas CAN be scored upon, but their offensive line and rushing attack are hard to stop, especially if you are giving up yards like the Chefs are. It's the Cowpuppies, yes, and the stadium will be jacked up. But there's a talent differential that can't be made up this Sunday. Enjoy this one, Cowbaby fans. You won't have too many like this one this season. Dallas laughs all the way to – 8 ½.



This is the crossroads game for the Panthers. They are either going to regain some kind of competitive fire, or they are on their way to being very, very, bad. They have too much talent to be so listless. Not on this Sunday. Remember last year's preseason matchup with the FredSkins? I do. They were superior at every position, and I think they take advantage of it here. Warshingtoon won games against the Lambs and Suckaneers on a prayer, and they'll be put in their place this week. Panthers get a feel-good game, at least this week. By 3 ½, easy.



McSnabb makes his return on a fortuitous day. The Suckaneers come to town. Westbrook is healthy again. Take a seat, #7. Yet, ANOTHER blowout. Iggles by 14 ½.



Believe it or not, this is the game I feel weird about. Brotha Manning is nursing a plantar fasciitis, and from experience with Kathie, who suffers from it chronically, I know once it starts, it lingers for a long, long time. If he's too sore to go, guess who goes behind center?

You got it.


I'm going to qualifiy my handicap here. If Carr starts (!)(oxymoron alert!) The Schraiders cover. If Brotha Manning plays AT LEAST a half, the GEEEMen cover.

And it's a bunchapoints. Biggest line of the day at 15 ½. Dinky Carr pushes it to the Schraiders, Eli's a coverin' machine, even with 15 ½ points.



A game that means something only to folks within driving distance of Lakes Erie and Ontario. These are two teams with serious talent gaps. Oh, yeah, there's TO. In this game, not a difference maker. The Brownies fought hard at home in the first Battle of Ohio, and they'll fight hard here. They just won't win. Buffalo and the -6, which seems a little large to me.



For a dropped Mark Clayton pass, we could be talking about the undefeated Balty-moore Ravens. NOW they're PISSED. And the Squeelers are just a game back. Hey Bungles, you think the Squeelers hit you hard? Wait till Sunday. I quothe - 8 ½ for Baltymoore!



Bad news, Leos. Pissburgh found their lost running game. Sucks for you. Squeelers big, -10 ½.



The best games of the day will be the late afternoon ones. Starting with this one. Samauri's already notched nice wins against the Cardy-noles and Seahawks, and came within a dingleberry of beating the Vikings at home. All they need to do is get into Matt Ryan's face and they have an edge. The Duckies won't be an easy out, but they're very beatable here. Niners and – 2 ½.



I believe in my last post, that I will never, ever, discount a team with a savage, inhuman safety in their defensive backfield. I've always had a marked admiration for those human Exocet missiles that launch themselves without regard for personal well being. Like Brian Dawins. The Denver defense will get in Brady's face often, and they'll make a game of this. Which is why I like Denver to cover that paltry +3 points.



If you like points and touchdowns, and sailing arcs to speedy wide receivers, this is your game. These defenses aren't' stopping too many teams. Last team with the ball will win. But I do like Houston to cover the + 5 1/2.



The Jaggy-whyers have found something that was missing in their game from last year. INTENSITY. EXCECUTION. They will bring them to bear on a hurting Seattle team. The line is off, but I like the Jags, straight up!



Come on, who are we kidding here? The Titan's secondary has been miserable so far this season, and Kerry Collins all of a sudden couldn't hit the side of the Party Prowler standing on Dano's LoserCruiser! And the OthaBrotha is having a incredible start to the season. Blowout, blowout, blowout. You can go to bed at halftime knowing you will wake up the next morning with one team STILL undefeated, and the other –

A woeful, season-gutting 0-5.


I feel purty dang good about this one, fanz. I'm looking forward to being 13-0 coming Monday Night!


Last week – (yecchh!) 6-8

Season – 35 -27


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Hello, FanZ !

Just in case you thought I wasn’t paying attention, here’s the very first Cedar Street Seer Quarterly Report on the NFL. There’s some familiar faces, some surprises, and a little clairvoyance thrown in. Read on.


What’s not particularly surprising is that the G’ints, Colts, and Saints started off strong. I’m not particularly surprised that Favre had a good game or two. I’m SHOCKED that the Broncoids have zoomed outta the gate like they have. I will now never, ever, discount the value of a really inhuman safety that’s made up primarily of heart and will like Brian Dawkins. And his fire and attitude are catching on in the Mile High City. I don’t expect the G’ints, Colts or Saints to fade – they should be in good shape for most of the season for January football. I still think the 40-year-old diva in Mini-Soda hits the wall by Week 8, and I’m still not 100% sold that Denver has all of the offensive pieces they need to be a late January factor.


There was no question, really, that the Pastry-Rots and Ravens were gonna be good. I had counted on marked improvement by the Niners, and defensive fire from the J*E*T*S, but I’m REALLY surprised by the effort and heart shown by the BUNGLES! That signature win over the Squeelers needs to be the rallying point for the rest of the season. I also didn’t think Jay Cutler would acclimate himself to the Bears so quickly. Of these six, I feel pretty confident of NewEnglandland and Balty-Moore going into January, and I got a fairly good feeling about the Samurai Niners. I don’t feel so good about Chicago and Cincy. They’re in divisions with two tough teams that will surely overtake them, but stranger things have happened. Still gotta feel pretty good if you’re a Bungles or Bears fan.



At 2-2, you are in ok shape in this league, if you happen to be trending up, like Jacksonville and Houston. Jacksonville is playing far better than I had anticipated, and if the Texans can gain some consistency, they will make the AFC South pretty interesting. The bad thing is, if you’re Houston or the Jaggy-whyers, you’re fighting for a wild card spot, because you AINT catchin’ the Colts. The Squeelers have momentarily rediscovered their run game with Mendenhall, and if this continues to trend up, Balty-Moore needs to increase their intensity. In what looked like a gift-wrapped season for Sad Diego, now looks like a Sisiphysian task to catch Denver. Still could happen, the season is early. And it’s a good thing the Packers got the Brett Favre game out of the way early. When they get him again in November, he’ll be starting to wear down, I promise. Dallas has SERIOUS problems defensively, and it’s becoming clearer and clearer, not only to the casual fan, but the locker room, that Romo The Homo is just not a DALLAS COWBOY quarterback, whatever that is. Could be defined with another rant. The receiving corps is also not a DALLAS COWBOY receiving corps, either. And the Dead Skins are lucky to be at this point. They are bad, plain bad. These two long-time rivals have no shot at January football.



Of these five, only Miami has a shot at postseason. Detroit’s improvement is a nice story, but it ends in December with another losing season, but it looks like sunnier days are ahead for the Motor City, honest. Seattle is a serious rebuilding project, and Buffalo is a perpetual rebuilding project. Al Davis. ‘Nuff said.



There’s no surprise that the Brownies, Chefs, Suckaneers, and Lambs are in this group. I though KC would be a bit better, but the rest are all major rebuilding projects, and are doomed to be the leagues’ bottom feeders for the rest of the season. But perhaps the biggest shock of the season is the state of the Titans. I would have bet the PantherFanz Party Prowler that Tennessee would be at LEAST 2-2 at this stage of the season. I just cannot believe that a Jeff Fisher team is winless in the first quarter of the season. Unbelievable. I still think an 8-8 season is possible for these guys. There’s just two much talent on this team to go winless much longer.



The good news for the Iggles is that they have only the G’ints to worry about, and as long as they don’t let TrickyVicky be a distraction, they should be in good shape. The Duckies not only have the Saints to sweat, but a brutal schedule. They’ll be lucky Duckies to get out of this season at 9-7. Although John Fox has climbed out of deep holes before with the Panthers, something feels different about this team, and if they do NOT win this Sunday, I see the bottom dropping out. The Cardy-noles now have to contend with a resurgent Niners team that already has a win over them. And isn’t Kurt Warner at the point where he should be hitting a wall? History has not been kind to Super Bowl losers, and I’m thinking it has it’s malfeasant gaze upon these Redbirds.

So, who do you like, oh Cedar Street Seer?

If things stay to form, I think the division wieners in the AFC will be New Englandland, Indianapolis, Balty-Moore, and (ulp!)


San Diego.

The wild cards will be Pissburgh and the J*E*T*S

In the NFC, the division winners will be Noo Yawk, Noo Awlins, Green Bay, and SAMAURI FRISCO. The wild cards will be Philthydelphia and Mini-Soda.

There you go, PantherFanz, the state of the league from someone who STILL geniunely cares about this game, and will continue to do so for a long time to come...

Stay tuned for the weekly handicap...

02 October, 2009


Happy Friday to you all – Unlike our wretched PuddyCats, I’ve got a winning record this season, and a really impressive Week 3, going 11-5! HEZAH!!! I firmly believe success breeds success, and I just can’t wait for more of the same! So without further ado, I’m tearin’ into this bye-lightened schedule!

I’m sure the Texans are disappointing a lot of the Houstoners and pundits that have been pointing to this season as the breakout campaign that’s been predicted for, oh, the past five years! Or it feels that way, anyway. What a Jekyll and Hyde team these Texans are! Ok, there’s no question they’re the better team than the Schraiders, who have revealed themselves to be the dregs we all thought they were. But do the Texans have 9 ½ more points than they do? This is the Dr. Jekyll week for Houston. Begrudgingly, I take the Texans to cover.

0-3 is a dreadful way to start the season, but that’s the dilemma that faces the Titans. Unlike the Panthers, they’ve fought and scratched through all three of their games, only to have the fickle whims of karma lead them to defeat. They’re a good team, and they are no doubt better than the Jaggy-whyers. They’ll slow down MJD, and produce enough points to win. Texans by -3.

This game will go a long way in determining one of two things – one, if the Ravens are a serious contender, and two, if the Pastry-Rots are really back. I’m leaning to the former, because the New Englandland O-line has not done a good job against multiple blitzes, and what do you think the Quothers will bring? Down after Down? Meanwhile, the Raven’s offense has been moving the ball as never before in their BayState existence. Wrong team favored here, Quothers and +2, to win!

I TOLD you the Bungles would cover last week, didn’t I? And they obliterate the Brownies this week, who are dog-breath BAD. As I said in the opening of this blog, success breeds success. And beatin’ the Squeelers is a great start! The Battle of Ohio #1 goes to the better lookin’ unies. Bungles and -5 ½.

I thought for sure that the G’int’s would come out flat last week against a vastly inferior opponent. Boy, I was wrong – and this week, I’m not goin’ down that road again. Take the GEEEEEMEN big –
Gin’ts by -9.

Da Bears are starting to get acclimated to their new QB, and that’s bad news for the rest of the division, but remember what I said about success breeding success – The Leos actually proved me right and WON a game last week! While I think Da Bears are a better team, I think Detroit gives ‘em a fight!
Take the Leos and that insulting +10!

Make no mistake – Tampa is BAD. Clevelandland BAD. But so is Warshingtoon. They DO have some star players in certain positions, and that probably counts for something. My gut says that the DeadSkins make up for last weeks “humilitation”. Skins by -7.

New coach, same underachieving team. Same results going into a white-hot Colts stadium. The line is off at this time, but I’m inclined to take Indy. Big.

This is a VERY enticing setup by two of the top undefeated teams in this league. Relentless defense vs. unstoppable offense! The exciting part is, is that the Jets are developing an offense to go with Rexy’s D, and the Saints are developing a defense to go with Brees and his FCD’s. I’m leaning to the Jets’ ability to pressure the QB – I don’t think Drew Brees will beat the blitz EVERY time – The Saints have a -7 edge – I say the J*E*T*S keep it close – Gimme them J*E*T*S and +7.

Miami held up pretty well last week on their deathly Worst Coast trip. On this Sunday, they find themselves at home against a Buffalo team that did NOT hold up well – AT HOME. Sure, it was the Saints, but they looked bad doing it. I say they wilt here, even without Chad Pennington. Wrong team favoured here – Take Miami and the +2.

If not for some Brett Favre heroics, we would be talking about the Samauri Niners being undefeated. A great start for Singletary’s team. They get another weakling to pound on this weekend. And pound they will. Niners at home and the 9 ½.

Ok, this is an anomaly to me. DENVER!?? At 3-0??? The next five games will tell a lot about this team and how they are responding to rookie coach McDaniels. Dallas was not impressive last week in their win against Carolina, and the leash was tangibly tight around Romo The Homo. Not sure EXACTLY how the Broncoids are doin’ it, but it seems to be with - DEFENSE. And they’re at home, which counts for something. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Broncoids and the +3, who get to 4-0.

The nightcap involves the supposedly resurgent Chargers visiting a reeling Squeeler squad. Even though The Boltz may be without LaDamian Thomlinson, they are still able to run the ball effectively. The Squeelers are not. If the Chargers are able to put enough pressure on WorthlessBerger, they may make a game of it. Pissburgh hasn’t scored enough points in the span of three weeks, and I don’t think they score enough here. I like the San Diego Chargers and the 6 ½.

Could the drama get anymore intense for this Monday night matchup? I don’t have to remind you of the cast of characters. I would give the edge to Mini-Soda’s defense, but Aaron Rogers and his FCD’s are purty damn good. All Green Bay has to do is slow AP, and make Favre throw downfield. I know it’s a dangerous propostion, but I think it’s a sound gameplan. I got a hunch. Take the Packers and the +3 ½.

There you go Fanz! A light, 14-game spread that should satisfy the most discerning of palates. Enjoy.

Last week – 11-5
Season -29-19

See you next week!

***EXPLANATION OF TERMS - FCD is shorthand for "Frisbee Catchin' Dawgs" ***

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