THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 6

Happy Friday to you all! Week 6 is upon us, and there’s all kinds of exciting showdowns leaguewide!
I’m happy to continue on my winning streak, and my clairvoyance gland is pumping pure Nej-osterone into the system to get you another slate of perfectly visioned picks – Let’s get started –

SAD LOOEY @ GREEN BAY

We begin the day with a pair of mis-matches. This is the fattest line of the day, and a major job of coaching, yes, coaching for both squads. The Packers, as you know, are undefeated. The Lambs, winless. And looking like crap doing so. Steve Spagunolo has just GOT to make his team BELIEVE they can hang with the Packers, and Mike McCarthy has just GOT to make his Packers believe they can get beat by the Lambs. I think he’ll find a way. Reluctantly, I tell you to take the Packers and the -15. It’s a huge line though…

JACKSONVILLE @ PISSBURGH

Here’s another mis-match on paper. This is where the schedule gets kind to a hurting, bumbling Squeelers team. The Jaggy-Whyers look for all the world to me like a team that’s already mailing it in.
Think Blaine Gabbert isn’t a little intimidated at facing even a diminished Pissburgh defense IN Pissburgh? This is the kind of game the Squeelers are SUPPOSED to win. And Mendenhall is back to tote the biscuit. Also reluctantly, I tell you to take that fat line of -12 for the Men Of Squeel.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ WARSHINGTOON

Incredibly, the Iggles are in desperation mode this early in the season. At 1-4, and WAY behind the division leader, they MUST find a way to overcome the FredSkins AT FedEx Field. They’ve GOT the offense, they are just mistake-ridden. That’s coaching, y’all. It’s also obvious that the Warshingtoon defense is carrying this team. This is going to be a tight, hard fought game decided by field goals and turnovers. Common sense would tell anyone the Skins are gonna win this one. The Force tells me otherwise. Take the Fleeguls and the -1 ½. Clairvoyance is a powerful ally.

SAN FRANCISCO @ DETROIT

True to my vision, the Leos are taking this season as I had predicted. This game will be the biggest challenge of the year to the Lions so far. To most casual observers of the league, Detroit has been a big surprise, but not to those who follow the NFL closely. What HAS been a big surprise to MOST of us not living in the Northern CA area is that the Niners are playing so well. They’ll continue this play as they visit Ford Field this Sunday. Detroit is favored by 4 ½, but I’m thinking the Niners give ‘em a better fight than this. Their steadily improving defense will help keep this a low scoring game, as Gore and co. keep this on the ground. Wouldn’t surprise me to see ‘em win the game, but at least I think they cover. Take the Niners and the +4 ½.

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA

Sucky passing defense, meet the dazzling Carolina offense. Sucky run defense, meet Michael Turner. This is a game that I think favours the Panthers, although I think our desperately thin linebacking corps are going to have a tough time with Tony Gonzales. If our ends can fluster Matty-Melting-Ice enough, it may not matter. Won’t be a blowout, (damnit!) but this is a game I think the ‘Cats can WIN. Wrong team favoured here – Carolina STRAIGHT UP!

INDIANAPOLIS @ CINCINNATI

Well, look who’s 3-2 going into Week 6! Wouldn’t have believed it, but if you do it with defense, it’s plausible. I’m still not sold on their offense, and the Colts are still showing some fight. I don’t like this heavy line favoring the Bungles. The Colts will continue to swing their sword, but might not be enough, but I still think they cover. Take the Colts and the +7.

BUFFALO @ NY GIANTS

The GeeeeeMen have some serious dirt on their face from the game they gave away, literally, to the SeaDogs last week. When you turn the ball over like they did, you can lose to anyone. And Buffalo is one of the hottest turnover-creating teams in the league right now. The Giants aren’t running the ball well, and Buffalo is running it GREAT. The Giants are turning the ball over, and the Bills are getting them. I smell an upset. Take the Bills, STRAIGHT UP!

HOUSTON @ BALTY-MOORE

This is the kind of game the Ravens get REALLY up for. The Texans have now lost their defensive cornerstone in Mario Williams, and that will make it tougher when the Quothers have the ball. And not having Andre Johnson to stretch out that vicious Raven defense will hurt, too. I like the Ravens BIG in this game. Ravens to cover the -7 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ CRO—no- OAKLAND

I will no longer refer to the Other Bay City by that derisive name this season. I came THIS close to editing my picks on Saturday when I learned that the Grand Raider Al Davis met his eternal reward, but thought standing by my original prediction would be safer. I was worng. And I spelled wrong, worng, too. I’m not as impressed with the Brownies as I thought I’d be so far this season, but the Raiders are playing good football. I think the “Just Win for Al, Baby!” angle will go far with the players , staff and fans this week. The ’85 Bears wouldn’t win here this Sunday. There’s just THAT MUCH of a karmatic maelstrom favoring the home Raiders. Pick any number above 7. Raiders BIG.

DALLAS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

THIS is the game many in the country are salivating over. Many bandwagon Pastry-Rot fans are looking forward to beatin’ the Cowboy’s arse this Sunday, while Cowboy Nation is relishing the opportunity to make a statement to the rest of the NFL fandom. There’s nothing wrong with the Pastry-Rot offense, but Tony Romo leads a pretty potent group, too. I can see a VERY entertaining game scoring into the 30’s for BOTH teams. New Englandgland by -7? POSH! Take the Cowboys and those seven points!

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY

Have we seen the REAL Sucky-neers in ‘Frisco last week? The part of me that’s a Panther Fan sure hopes so, but the part of me that’s proud of my clairvoyance is irritated by it. The Saints have been tough for ANYONE to stop, and they’ll keep rolling here. I know 3 consecutive road games are tough to string together, but I believe the Saints have become that good this season. They’re favoured by a paltry 4 ½, I think they blow Tampa Bay out.

MINI-SODA @ CHICAGO

I have some serious clackage goin’ on for the “Mighty” Bears defense. Tell me, WHERE has Julius Peppers been so far this season? CLACK CLACK CLACK! He’s been virtually NONEXISTANT in the five games he’s played. The Vikings came off the shnide last week as AP began to get his game legs. This is a tough game to call, but made a prediction early this year that the Bears would plummet to 4th place. Time to stand by your vision, Crazy Joe! I think Peterson makes the difference, and Mini-Soda gets the win!

MIAMI @ NY JETS

Why, oh why, did you two have to SUCK SO BAD for this Monday Night Game? Usually, these two make for a terrific night’s viewing. This week? Might be unwatchable as Matt Moore makes his debut as a starter for the flopping Fish from F L A. I think the Jets’ defense makes the difference in this contest. Take the J*E*T*S and the -7.

There you go, fanz – place your bets with confidence, and libate your favorite seer with a premium beverage when you see him again, just for gratitude!

See you with the rant on Sunday Night!

Last week – 8-5 (even though San Diego beat Denver, I WRONGLY predicted the manner in which it was done, and gave myself and “L” for it!)
Season – 45-31

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