30 September, 2008


September 30th, 2008

Allright, we had an unexpectedly easy go of it against the Duckies last week, and now we’re anticipating another delightfully ecstatic ass-pounding of the Chefs this Sunday, aren’t we?

Not so fast.

Who among you gave Oregon State, the Mighty Beavers *koff* koff* a chance to whoop on the media-appointed invincible juggernaut USC? Who saw the TOTAL BEATDOWN that the Miami Dull-fins put on that impregnable fortress that is the NewEnglandLand Pastry-Rots? Who thought the FredSkins would go to The Stadium With The Damn Hole In The Roof and beat the CowPatties? Who gave AllllllllllllllahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhBammmmma a prayer of eking one out between the hedges, much less totally spaying the Dawgs?

To paraphrase my hero Jim “Machine Gun” Kelly after a Beefalo Beels victory when they were just starting not to suck anymore---

You’re a liar, You’re a liar, You’re a liar, and YOU- are a F***IN’ LIAR!

Any time you put two teams together, there’s only one lead pipe lock etched in stone in a monolith ten miles high guarantee-

Someone will win, someone will lose. I will not consider a tie.

Imagine this if you will. I’ve painted the picture several times before, but I’ll do it again because it’s relevant to this rant. When a crappy college team is playing badly, one would be quick to quip –

“Oh, those ShameCocks couldn’t beat Shelby High School!!!”

Oh yes they could. And they’d have to call the game after the first half. Shelby would not generate a first down. The NCAA is simply another level of play which VERY FEW high school athletes could ever dream of attaining. Now, let’s see, who’s the worst NFL team right now? One COULD have made a case for these Chefs that we’re fixin’ to play this Sunday. But let’s say it’s the Lambs. Let’s pit ‘em against the same ShameCocks that just gave Shelby High School a need for lifetime therapy. Same result, except NOW it's the ShameCocks who need Dr Phil to tell them they'll be ok despite gaining negative yards against the NFL's WORST team. Only the best of the best of the best of college athletes have the “IT” that NFL scouts and GM’s are looking for. They are the pros of the pros, and all should have that measure of pride.
And that is precisely what happened last week for the Chefs. At home, winless, with a tough, undefeated, but familiar opponent in the Broncoids.


Never mind that the Broncoids were undefeated. They had a offense that was playing tremendously, but an undersized defense that EVERYONE is scoring on. So, I’m not THAT impressed with the win, but you could make a case for the Broncoids looking past a vastly inferior team, well, at least on paper. But like I said, everyone in the NFL are professionals, and it’s up to the coaching staff to meld the talent available into a winning product. The Panthers should NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE of lightly regarding the Chefs. There ARE some players that can really hurt us, on BOTH sides of the ball- On offense, Larry Johnson needs no fanfare from me, or that All-World TE Tony Gonzales. On defense, guys like Derrick Johnson and Brandon Flowers can get after it. So, with that said, what should our game plan be?

I’m thinking this is the very perfect time for Foxball. Pure, simple, unadulterated Foxball. On offense, we should run the ball, run the ball, and run the ball some more. If I’m Herm Edwards, that’s what I’m expecting from the KittieCats, so yeah he’s gonna pack that box. And we gotta BUST THAT BOX- Even without Jordan Gross on our Oline this weekend, our drop off is not severe. Of course I would be stupid to insist we abandon the pass- it worked great last week, but the Duckie’s secondary was doo-doo, and we could get away with that. The Chef’s secondary is considerably better, and I’d prefer they have to take knocks from Stewilliams as opposed to having a chance to pick Jake off. On defense, we do exactly the same as the Chefs want to do to us. Except we have better personnel to do it. We pack the box, and make Brodie Croyle beat us with the pass. I feel good about our pass defense so far this year. He’ll probably find TG a few times, no doubt, but we CANNOT let Larry Johnson bust us up. And I’m pretty confident that he won’t. If LT, Forte, AP, and Turner couldn’t gain a benny on us, LJ CERTAINLY won’t. And IF the Chefs find the running tough, for GOODNESS SAKE, TURKEY-VAC---

THROW THE DAMN BLITZ at ‘em and get in Croyle’s jersey! (update- at this time looks like Damon Huard starts this Sunday- Croyle is injured) This ought to be a five-sack game, but knowing Foxy like we do now, I’m sure he plays this one tight like he always does. We’ll have to wait for Tampa Bay, I guess, to see the real Panther Pass Rush. The Chefs hang around for a quarter or two, and then we pull away by the fourth quarter. IF- and that’s a BIG IF- we play like we have been.

We’ve had the pleasure of two home wins, which have been so rare as of late. It remains IMPERATIVE that the HOME TEAM DOMINATES, and this is a game that absolutely REQUIRES IT! The true litmus for a coaching staff should be getting their players up for games like these as well as those rivalry games. I’m optimistic we’ll be happy come 4.00PM Sunday, but I wouldn’t TOTALLY count the Chefs out…

Welcome, Canadian PantherFanZ, no matter what the outcome, a great time is guaranteed for us all this Sunday!

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28 September, 2008


September 26th, 2008

As a North Carolina TarHeel fan in anything the school does, there’s no team I’d rather see them beat than DOOK!!! And that’s been practically my whole life. Now, since Florida State came to the league, Bowden’s boys have been near the top of the hate meter. I had initially thought that the Miami Huckrakaines would be tough, but, hey, we’ve beaten them three of the four times they’ve started ACC play. But this is NOT an ACC rant, as much as I’d like to rant about the great game my TarHeels played. As a matter of fact, I can’t recall a better day to be a college football fan than yesterday. It’s karma, perhaps, that it was TAILGATE day for ESPN, who featured particular tailgaters throughout their broadcast. And it got me salivating for today. If you’re a fan of the GAME OF AMERICAN FOOTBALL, you not only love the Friday night ritual, but the Saturday contests are like the perfectly fried calamari appetizer you get at the very best Italian restaurants, and you REALLY can’t wait for that orgasmically wonderful veal parmagaina you ordered. Which brings me to Sunday.

There was no question in my mind that the late September tailgate would be benefited by the perfect weather. Crowd was full, energetic, and mysteriously VOID of Duckie fans. The Fanbulance was a no-show. (which actually was a drag-) My youngest and VERY GORGEOUS daughter Jessie was conscripted to do the 50-50 and she had a BLAST doing it. Thanks so much PantherFanz for giving her the claw and making her feel a part of the big deal. I was very much still buzzed by the previous day’s excellence of football watching- And I had guarded feelings, as you all know, about the upcoming game. As we watched the game unfold, with Hoculi the Hocker’s ticky-tack call on Pep starting things off, I wasn’t sure about the tone of the game. As I enjoy my night cap of Basil Hayden’s and Da Bears-Boids game, I reflect on the several things that surprised me.

Is it me, or did the presencse of Ed Hoculi, who was to be “demoted” by the league, kind of piss you off? That the notion of calling a Panthers game was a demotion of sorts? Something that I pondered. I really do hope we’ve seen him call our games for the last time, if that’s the league’s view of us.

I was surprised, and pleasantly so, at the ABSENCE of a pass rush by the Duckies-
Jake was NOT TOUCHED, and pretty much threw at will. I was pleased, but not surprised at Moose’s efficiency at receiving Jake’s bullets in the double-teams Smitty often received. I was THRILLED at the absence of red-jerseyed bandwagon Mike Vick Duckie fans in our stadium, and even more so at the silence of the few that were there. THIS is DEFINITELY more like it, PantherFanz! The sound of the cheering for the team was like I’ve not heard in quite some time, and it was to me if Beethoven choreographed the music of the cheers. I was, however, NOT PLEASED and surprised at the LACK of pass rush WE generated. I was NOT PLEASED with the lack of running game of our Panthers. But I almost would give them a pass, given our ease of---- er, PASSING. And it was easy. It felt TOO easy. The outcome never seemed in doubt, which makes me wish to medicate my clairvoyance gland. I felt we would win, I just didn’t think it would be this nonchalant. It’s like, well-

If you relate to things like me, as a TarHeel fan-

It felt a lot like beating Dook. There’s no team you’d rather beat, and as a Panther Fan, you’d better want to beat the Duckies more than any other team for the countless times they’ve knocked that delectable scoop of ice cream from your waffle cone onto that pile of doggie doo. So, with a 24-9 lead in the fourth quarter, I knew there was NO WAY these fu**ers were coming back, and I could even accept missing this game on my weekly handicaps (what’s disgusting, though, is facing the prospect of going 6-10. In his very worst slumps, Henry Houdini didn’t go 6-10!). It’s the very best feeling in the world as a sports fan to beat your most hated rival. And tonight, I’m ecstatic. I AM a little worried about two of our offensive stalwarts, Jordan Gross, who got his bell completely RUNG in the first half, and Jeff Otah, who hurt his ankle in the second. Although both came off the field reasonably well, it’s pretty certain these guys are gonna miss some practice time. No worries. One of the worst teams in the league is coming in next week. We should absolutely TRIM the Chefs without them, no question. Let’s take care of business next week and have our corn-fed hunks of beef ready for the Fuccaneers. If we don’t beat the Chefs by TWO touchdowns, Mr. Davidson should have his manhood held in contempt. But, I’m pondering something that may be our undoing-

Yes, it’s that pass rush. I’m good with holding the NFL’s premier ground-pounders to less than 100 yards. We’ve done it four games in a row now. Good job, Turkey-vac. Now SACK THE MOTHERF**KIN’ QUARTERBACK! We’ve shown that we are NOT a great come-from-behind team. I’m appalled by our apparent lack of desire to blitz. While our present game plan works well against the bottom dwellers of the league like the Duckies and Chefs and Lions who we have the pleasure to play, it failed miserably against the Vikings and will be sure to fail against the Fuccaneers, the Packers, and quite possibly the Schraiders and Cardy-noles. I know it sounds like I’m bitchin’ with my mouth full, but you guys (and gals- I KNOW some chicks read this blog- LAUREN---) who know football know that offense sells tickets- but DEFENSE wins championships. And I haven’t seen enough from the Panthers yet to convince me that their defense is championship grade. But guess what- Neither is Dallas’, who were the media’s appointed LORDS Of The League before getting their ASS handed to them AT HOME by the resurgent DeadSkins. Great job, Turkey-Vac, in handling DaBears’ ordinary offense, Augustus for one half, and the Duckies. You’ll get a pass for the Chefs, because we will certainly beat them- but then the tough part comes up. And we will need to be disruptive in that offensive backfield of our opponents to have a shot at the goals the team ought to have. I’m not as concerned with the day off the running game took as Moose punched 147 yards of “O” with defensive emphasis on that phase of the game. The next opponent who decides to primarily defend the pass will undoubtedly get Stewilliams rammed down their throats.

Ahhh, enuff bitchin’ from me. Enjoy this victory as we all should, anticipate with joy the arrival of our Canadian brethren, and be sure to toast them heavily with many beers and other spirits as we have another opportunity for a home laugher. And then we steel ourselves for the tougher parts of our schedule.

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26 September, 2008


September 25th, 2008

Ughhh. 9-7. I’m actually embarrassed. But come on- Did ANY of you see Miami punkin’ NewEnglandLand? Or the Bungles actually hangin’ around with the G’ints?


Well, I’m feelin’ a little better now, and I’m gonna see this thing through. Here we go-

The Chefs are really a train wreck so far this year. There’s no energy, confidence, or buzz around this team, and it sucks for one of the game’s good guys in Herm Edwards, and definitely for the great fans there. Offensively, the Broncoids are clickin’. They’re a 9 point road favorite – and they’ll definitely cover. Take ‘em Broncoids.

Sad state of affairs in Ohio – not only did the state U get its ass handed to it by USC, there’s likely no chance for the playoffs for either of the NFL teams. The Bungles showed a little life against the G’ints last week, and the Brownies were overmatched at Baltimore. One would think the Bungles would ride that confidence earned in that overtime match last week to a “W”. I’m havin’ a tough time feelin’ a favorite here. The Bungle defense sucks and the Brownie offense is ordinary. But Cincy has the better QB. The line is 3 ½, and as much as these two suck, it’s kind of a lot.
I’ll lean to The Bungles at home to get off the shnide.

Boy, did the Jag-you-whyers surprise me with that come-from-behind win at Indy! How they stayed in the game with that beat-up Oline is beyond me- Houston is struggling, and they’re on the road again. Matt Schaub is starting to play like David Carr, and Jacksonville’s D is formidable. The line is 7 ½, and sounds reasonable. Take the home team and the points.

ARID-ZONA @ THE B*R*E*T*S BRETS BRETS BRETSAnother EastCoast trip for the Cardy-noles. That flight time has got to be a drag- This sounds like a good matchup between two teams struggling to move up the NFL power rankings. The Cards have a pretty good offense, and the B*R*E*T*S are trying to find their footing with Mr. Favre at the controls. The B*R*E*T*S got WHOOPED just like I said last week against a determined Charger team, but Arid-Zona is not that determined. And I think Favre has some game left in him. The home team is favored by a SLIM 1 ½ points, and I’ve got the feelin’ for the Brets. Take GangGreen to win.

This is starting to come into must-win territory for the Saints this week. Won’t be DEVESTATING if they lose, but they have to start winning games against seemingly inferior opponents. The Saints are hamstrung a bit offensively, and their D is far from fixed- And the Phoney-Niners are on a roll. This will be another shootout between two game offenses. The bigger plays defensively will win this game. The Saints are favored by 5 ½ at home, but I like the Phoney-Niners to cover.

&**)(&@#%+#@*%$*DUCKIES @ CAROLINA
We all know ad nauseum how I feel about these guys. The line is 7 ½. On paper, we ought to CLOBBER THESE GUYS! But the games are played on the field, and history says we get another tension filled game- I’m goin’ on the side of history- Kills me to say, but the*(*$^%)#@&_&$(*%&@#(_&*(&@)$(^&#$*()&#+@$(*^$+)*(&^!@*%@#! Duckies will cover.

Well, the Vikings pulled one out last week, didn’t they? I’m hearing a lot about the crowd noise in the Metrodome throwing the signals off for the Panthers last week- they won’t get that help here- Tennessee’s defense is for real, and the offense is running the ball, and scoring points. The Viking’s offense will find the going much tougher this week- Titans are favored by 3 at home- sounds good to me- take ‘em Titans straight up!

The good ‘ol BATTLE OF THE BAYS is renewed – I don’t know how the Bucs are doin’ it, but they managed to really sling the biscuit on a really good Bears defense last week. Greasy Griese starts again this week, and the Packers got exposed by the Cowboys last week. I think the Bucs have at least as good a D as the ‘Pups, and, they’re at home. They’re getting a measly one point- and it’s good enough. Take the Bucs by one over the Pack. (although on a personal note I hope the Packers trim the Bucs!!)

Yeah, I know it’s SAINT Louis, but they’re really, really, sad. Coach Lannehan has got to be the SECOND early season casualty of the season (Millen being the first, and WAY overdue). The Lambs are really, really bad, and that makes the fans, whoever’s left of them, really, really, sad. I again show my literary incompetence by using the words “really, really” three times in a row. Am I really, really, doing that? The Bills are really, really feelin’ it, and they are an 8 point road favorite- And they will really, really, ROLL the Lambs. Take the Bills.

Ok, the Chargers don’t have a SAD Diego address anymore. I knew they’d get off the schnide Monday night- and this matchup gets them even further on the road to league health. The schRaiders are mediocre, and are outmatched in this game. They played well last week against Beefalo, as I thought they would, but I feel like the Bolts are playing a different game. crOakland is giving up 7 ½ points at home, and I think the Bolts are gonna shut down the schRaiders. Take the Chargers BIG.

I know, I know. Throw the record books out the window when these two get together. Blah, blah, blah. The Cowpuppies are due for a stinker one of these weeks. Wont’ be this week. Dallas 11 points over the Deadskins, easy.

Last week’s victory against the Squealers didn’t come without a cost for the Boids- McSnabb is hurting, and Brian Westbrook likely will not dress for this game. Without the Fleagles at full strength offensively, I like Da Bears to control the game on the ground, and the D to stimey that Eagle O, and to cover that 3- point spread.

Rothelisburger hurt? WP out? The banged up Squealers host the Ravens Monday night, who are on a roll. This will be an ugly, ugly, game, decided by the defenses. Pissburgh is favored by 5 ½, but I like the game Ravens to cover, with no further quothings of “Nevermore”…..

Last week- ugh! 9-7… This week has GOT to be better-

Season record (again, UGH !!) 9-7

See most of y’all in the lot-

The rest of you Sunday night, God Willing.

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23 September, 2008


September 23rd, 2008

For years, many of you have heard me refer to this weekend’s “Vick-tim”, uh, opponent, as “The Duckies” often with a choice explicative, or many. And these words I’ve spoken with vile disgust many times in the history of not only the Panthers, but as a former super fan of the New Orleans Saints franchise. For The Atlanta Falcons have often been the crabgrass in our fescue, the slug on the pavement, the big pile of dogs**t you step in on your way to the door on your first date with that hot girl you finally got the nerve to ask out. The skip in your favorite CD.

The motherf**kin’, piece o’ s**t, rotten donkey ball eatin’ DUCKIES.

So, Crazy Joe, you ask-

Why the Duckies?

It’s a story some of you know, but it’s one I rarely tire of telling.

Let’s go back to 1993-

Jerry Richardson had just been awarded an NFL franchise, and right out of the gate, he hoisted that familiar silver helmet with the cat head on it, and said “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!” Yeah, some of us felt pretty happy on that day- And even as I plopped down 3,500 bucks for MY PSL, I still made regular trips to Atlanta, and sometimes even New Orleans to see my beloved Saints. Lauren was not yet 4 years old at the time, but wanted to come with Daddy to see her first football game. And proud pop that I was, I took that beautiful darling child with me. All through her childhood I took her to at least two games a year which I still do now. She never made a fuss, never cried, was a great sport and loved to cheer even though she was unsure of what she was cheering for. I think she just loved being with Dad in one of his favorite things to do. Our seats in The Georgia Dome were pretty good on that day, and Lauren wanted to meet the cheerleaders, who she identified with, but upon viewing the field, liked the big black “duckie” painted in the middle of the field, and moments later, squealed with joy when she spied the anthropomorphic costumed Falcons mascot trotting along the sidelines. “DADDY I WANNA MEET THE DUCKIE!!” Lauren begged several times during the game. And of course, when I asked Lauren who she wanted to win, she would say “I want the Duckies to win”…

And a name, a cute but insidiously emasculating nickname was born for the most HATED of franchises, even more than the CowPuppies, if you’re a fan of The Carolina Panthers.

Come on now- you know you HATE ‘em! You cannot tell me with a straight face that you HATE, absolutely quiver with rage, at the thought of the Tampa Bay Bucs or New Orleans Saints! While our rivals they are, we’ve managed a good deal of success against THOSE two. The Duckies?


A big plop of buzzard doo on our freshly washed and waxed SEL500. Biting into a cockroach that sneaked into our burrito. Dying for a gulp of milk and grabbing the jug not noticing the expiration date was ten days ago…

That’s the Duckies allright…

Of course, I could never get Lauren excited about the Saints, because………….

In 1995 we began that ecstatic first season in Klimpson, and Lauren’s game? That Tropical Storm Jerry - soaked game against The Giants, which we won, 6-3, which had Lauren and I huddled under a poncho munching on waterlogged hotdogs, but she never complained and was looking forward to a post-game trip to Hooters. Sad to say, I had to disappoint her as the rain poured down, flooding much of Greenville’s streets so it was a dangerous proposition. Needless to say, Lauren became not only a Panthers fan, but a big sports fan after that.

And the Duckies, yes, those lousy, awful, heart crushin’ Duckies – were the team we learned to HATE----

Almost as much as DOOK- but that’s for a Tar Heel blog, not PantherFanZ rantZ….

So now you know-


I call The Atlanta FU**LONS –

The Duckies.

This weekend’s opponent.

The team of Christal Chandellier, Warrick Dunn, Alge Crumpler, Keith Brooking, the Jake Killer, Chuck Smith, and worst of all-


Up there with the NFC Championship we won, the league championship I won coaching the girl’s basketall team, was CRUSHING the Duckies WITH Vick at QB. My favorite of sports memories.

That’s why it’s ESPECIALLY important for me to see the Panthers win this weekend’s game. It has as much juice for me as any game we will play this year.

Thought I’d share a little story while I heal my clairvoyance gland from the beating I took this last weekend… See y’all Friday…

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22 September, 2008


September 22nd, 2008

Did you ever make a tee-time to play golf with two of your buddies, get to the course, and get hooked up with a single player to make a foursome? Many times, if you were like me when you played at least once a week, we’d play for money, and this single golfer would be interested in joining the wagering- He’d dribble his first tee shot, while the rest of us would have respectable drives into the fairway. His second shot would launch into the woods, while the rest of us landed safely on or near the green. And when Duffy Divot finally got on the green, he’d proceed to three-putt. Second hole went pretty much the same, as we joyfully fleeced our new group member. Third hole, same story.


On the fourth hole, he rips a three-hundred yard drive straight down the middle, and sheepishly wonders where that came from- as his second shot plops next to the pin, and of course, knocks the birdie in. You now get the picture, as Mr. Sandbagger leaves us “amazed” at his game while pocketing a hundred bucks of our money. You could see this happening in pool, too. This ever happen to you?

After hearing about Adrian Peterson’s injury, the benching of Tavaris Jackson, and the immobile fossil Gus Ferrotte, I was absolutely convinced we were going to wear them NorthMen out. Through most of the first half, I was still certain Foxy was putting the rope-a-dope on ‘em. But after the game, I couldn’t help but feel as if Coach Brad Childress was sandbagging the team, and us. Certainly, getting clobbered by the Packers, and snatching defeat from the stumbling Colts, gave Panther Nation the notion that these guys were ready to be had by the mighty Panther Juggernaut.


There was NOTHING wrong with Adrian Peterson, and amazingly enough, Ferrotte could still play. That offensive line is certainly good enough to open up holes for 300+ yards for AP, but they didn’t need it yesterday- We did it to ourselves. I couldn’t help but feel there was a lack of urgency on the team offensively – you certainly couldn’t say that DEFENSIVELY, at least not for the first half. We essentially had the Vikings right where we wanted them- but I think the team had forgotten how potent the Viking’s front four was – and one play, ONE PLAY on offense, when ONE PARTICULAR player who comings and GOINGS are usually good for this team- made a blunder in assignment that spelled doom for the team on this day. Their defense put that metaphysical ball right in the hole, and set on winning back the money they lost on the front nine-

So, how was I SO WRONG about the outcome of the game? Smith was back, and was definitely a contributor- They stopped the run, as was their choice, so we WERE able to move the ball through the air, and were leading by TEN with just a few minutes left in the half – agonizing as I predicted, but like everyone else, I had failed to take in account the powerful front line of the Viking’s D. Another issue was the UNACCEPTABLE amount of PENALTIES the ‘Cats starting piling up! I was aghast at the number – what was it, 120 yards? And MUCH of it on the O line! This just cannot happen on a playoff (PLAYOFF!!?? DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFF!!??) team. Drive after drive was extinguished by the sudden ineptitude of the O line, who, for the first time this year, failed to open up acceptable running lanes for Stewilliams. When the push isn’t there, physics dictates that the push goes the OTHER WAY, which resulted in NO RUNNING GAME, 5 sacks of Jake, and of course, NO FOXBALL. I will not blame the defense on this one, no sir. We DID sack Augustus three times, held AP to 70 yards and NO TD’s. But when our offense keeps shooting themselves in the ass, our defense can only last so long. When the Vikes put an ASTOUNDING 19-play drive together late in the third quarter, that was the end of the game. Our defense was just gassed by the culmination of that drive, and THEIR D was now re-energized after getting mildly Foxballed in the first half. So, Childress managed to turn the tables on us. I hope this loss stings for the team. I hope this really pisses the O line off, ‘cause it really PISSED ME off! If I was pointing fingers to the crux of this loss, I would firmly place it on these guys and Mr. Goings as well.

So, in short, that’s the bumfuzzle in The Cedar Street Seer’s clairvoyance gland for this week. It’s happened before, just not very often.

It’s apparent after this game, that I can come to the conclusion that the Vikings aren’t as bad as they’d seemed, and The Panthers aren’t quite as good as we’d thought. But they can be- One absolute thing must happen- The line has GOT TO PLAY like it did in the first two games! GOT TO. Even with our wimpy schedule, if we aren’t running the ball, we cannot play Foxball, and our chances of winning get reduced greatly.

And now- here they come-

The 2-1 DUCKIES. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! I hate those guys. They’re full of confidence, and I’m certain they see no reason why they can’t come to our house and kick our ass. Why shouldn’t they? They did LAST year! Houston did, and that was with JAKE at QB! I will tell you this for sure, we are not rolling the Falcons this Sunday, and if we do, I will be surprised. We will win this game ONLY if the defense plays like it did in the first half yesterday, and Gross, Otah, Kalil and co. KNOCK THE DAMN D LINE BACK! I know we will play better than we did in Mini-soda, we just will. But the Duckies know us, and they’re MOTIVATED. And if Foxy and the coaching staff can’t motivate us for our ARCHNEMESIS, they shouldn’t have the job. Again, like Da Bears game, I’m cautiously optimistic for Sunday, but just don’t expect a blowout.

As I listen to the knee-jerk reaction of Panther Nation yesterday and today, I keep reminding myself the season is VERY YOUNG, and many teams, ours included, is a work in progress. Every team is going to have some ups, and a few downs, depending on WHICH team you are- If you’re the St. Looey Lambs, you’re going to have a lot of them. The NewEnglandland Pastry-Rots, well, they got a REAL BIG DOSE of DOWN, courtesy of the Miami Dull-Fins! Some are having a BUNCH of ups if you have a sword, bison or a star on your helmet. And don’t forget, when I made my first prediction of the schedule results, I DID budget a LOSS for the Vikings, didn’t I? So, it’s wrong, WRONG, VERY WRONG, to write off the season after a crappy loss like this one. I think Foxy and co. fix this by the second half of the season while we get well on the Chefs, Bucs, Saints and Cardy-noles. Like I said, don’t expect a blowout this weekend while the pit crew tightens up the Cat Car on our first pit call.


You should CERTAINLY expect another EXCELLENT tailgate party- Come on down to the lot, catch you a nice buzz, and HATE ON THEM DUCKIES and CHEER ON YOUR PANTHERS!!!

(and be cool to those Fanbulance folks…)

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20 September, 2008


September 20th, 2008

Well, PantherFanz, this is two weeks and a day or two late, but this is something I had hoped to start at the beginning of the season, but only now am getting the time to actually do. I am going to use that God-Given clairvoyance gland of mine, and handicap all the games for the rest of the season- I’d be interested in what my record would be, and I kinda think y’all would, too. Without further ado, here’s my thoughts about the weekend’s contests-

The Duckies are favored by 5 ½ in this one. My friends, the Chefs are just outright terrible so far this year, and while the Duckies aren’t exactly burinin’ it up, they DO have a couple of nice playmakers on offense, and enough defense to balance out whatever KC manages to do with their meager offense. Take the Duckies, BIG, over the hapless Chefs.

The Bills are giving up a whopping 9 ½ points for this one? Why not jump on the Bills on this one? I think as BAD as the SchRaiders are, they DO have a pretty good running game, which, if Coach Lane Kiffin is smart, will utilize to make the game ugly, and manageable for the maligned crOAKLAND schRaiders. I say they cover, but Buffalamago will certainly win this game. The Bills will certainly continue their juggernaut path for the season, but 9 ½ is too much in this one.

When has Kerry Collins EVER gotten so much love? I know that the irony isn’t lost on much of us fans that the weak-hearted KC bailed on the game much like Vince Young has reputed to do- The positive thing for the Titans is, that the team HAS responded to Collins’ leadership. Houston has had some terrible breaks for it so far this year. I don’t believe the season is lost for the Texans yet, but this is a tough place to win, especially with the Titan defense playing as well as it has. The line this morning is 4 ½, and I’m certain Kerry and his Titans cover at home in the beautiful weather.

The G’INTS come in a tremonsterous 13 ½ road favorite in this one. The Bungles, so far, are one train wreck of a team, on both sides of the ball. Defensively, this was expected, but NOT for the offense, which STILL has plenty of playmakers. If they lose THIS one at home, I think the team tanks on Coach Marvin Lewis. Marvin-

Get your resume polished up. Giants BIG in this one. Take the GEEEEEEEEEEEE Men and the 13 ½.

The Deadskins are a three point favorite here, and that may just be on past reputation. BUT- it seems like whenever we are ready to bury them, they show a little life, kinda like last week’s escape from the Saints. I’m not ready to love’em yet, with a seemingly resurgent Cardy-nole team coming in. BUT AGAIN- Arid-zona isn’t a team that does East Coast well- and they seem to do this every year- The ‘Skins could make this ugly defensively, and I say they cover. Just a feelin’. I lean to the ‘Skins in this one.

Another BIG line for a home team - a whopping 12 ½ points. Again, I’m not ready to give the Patsies THAT much love without Brady- but that stout defense is still in place. The Dull-fins are still very much a rebuilding project. And this is the kind of game Dr. Evil-chek usually wins. I don’t think Miami punctures the defense enough to make a difference. Take the Patsies to cover, and comfortably.

As we well know now, DaBears “D” is for real. I’d imagine at home, they’d be extra-potent. And this will be overwhelming to the Bucs’ new starting QB, Brian Greasy. I told you Chucky mind-screwed Garcia over the botched Brett deal- this will be a lingering mold over this team this year. Both offenses will be plodding, but I expect the Bears, with Forte’s fine running will be the difference. This game will be quite similar to their LAST game at Carolina, but with a different result. Take DaBears and the line, which is -3 for DaBears.

The Vikings are giving the C*A*T*S CATS CATS CATS 3 ½ . 3 ½!!!??? With AP a gametime decision on a bad wheel? What is Vegas thinking? Do they know something the rest of us don’t? Doubt it. As I posted in the last rant, the Vikings will have to choose their method of death- As it goes with Foxball, it will be slow and agonizing for the rest of us, and the Vikings. You would think they’d pour it on with Smitty back, but I say Foxy has the ‘Cats pound and pound and pound and pound and pound and pound-

As Greg Roberts says- Take the Panthers, straight up, to win the game. And The Cedar Street Seer says- The PantherZ will wear the Vikings OUT!

Ughh. Double Ughh. Remember the ’04 Panthers, when half our team was on IR? The SeaDogs are nowhere like that team, and the Lambs simply suck with a twist of rotten lime. And the ‘Dogs are GIVING the LAMBS 9 ½???!!! This will be a game that will be downright unwatchable. AND-

St. Looey certainly covers. Take The Lambs and the nine and a half, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see them win this game.

While the Phoney-Niners stunk it up in Week 1, they came to life last week, as I had foreseen. This week they get a bumbling opponent in the De-troy-it Lie-uns. AND- they are a road FAVORITE- What about that? They hadn’t gotten that kind of love since, well, since Steve Young was there! I like the offensive package that mad genius Mike Martz has put together there, and this is a statement game for Martz, having been fired by Detroit. I would be inclined to take Sad Francisco and the four points.

This game, along with the Packers-Cowbaby game later on in the day, could be the most entertaining, if you like lots of scoring- Denver’s “D” is awfully weak, but they have found a powerful gear on offense, which I didn’t expect this year. We all know about the Saints’ heralded offense, which will have no problem moving on the Broncoids. HOWEVER, I’m not buying into the Saints’ revamped “D” either. Denver’s at home, but I think the Saints have to make some kind of statement in this game. The Broncoids’ just AINT that good, and the Saints just AINT that bad- The line’s 5 ½, and I’m leanin’ to The Saints, and 5 ½. Of course, you know I’d LOVE for the Broncoids to waste ‘em, but I’m a realist here.

An in-state rivalry renewed, we’re seeing something akin to the immovable object meeting the irresistible force. The immovable object being the Squealer’s reputable “D”, the force being Philthy’s powerful offense, put on display to be seen from here to the Klingon Empire. Make no mistake, as long as he’s protected, Donavan McSnabb’s back, and better than ever. I think Pissburgh will blitz with harrowing frequency in an effort to rattle him- On Pissburgh’s offensive side of the ball, everyone knows that Big Ben’s shoulder’s effed. That means limited throwing, and lots of Willie Parker. This is the kind of game that COULD get ugly and plodding, but I believe that the Fleagles can make enough plays to overcome their western out-of-conference rivals. The line’s 3 ½ to the Fleagles. Take the Boids to win.

Here’s a team with DEBILITATING injuries on the offensive line. If you’re knowledgeable and realistic about the game in it’s purest sense, then you know it could be curtains for the Jag-you-whyers this season. The Colts don’t exactly look like a team back in stride- Peyton had to rely on a really gimmicky play late to escape the Vikings last week, and expect Coach Del Rio to put an enormous amount of pressure on Peyton in his place. But I think the Colts’ “D” is going to find the going a little easier against this offense. The line is a paltry 5 points- I expect Manning and Co. to finally shake off the rust and blow out a fatally wounded opponent. Take the Colts, BIG, over the Jaggie-whyers.

The Brownies couldn’t be in a more precarious position. After getting beat up by PissBurgh in an Ike-blown home game, they get to face the resurgent Ravens, having an unexpected two-week bye, again, related to Ike. Joey Flacco can’t be that good, but the Ravens “D” is. Baltimore is giving the Brownies 2 1/2 – Take the home team to win. As for the Brownies winning another game this season? Quothe the Ravens- “NEVERMORE”. Ok, ok, I had to say it. The Brownies ain’t that bad, but I don’t like ‘em this Sunday.

Don’t you just hate all of the attention the CowPuppies get? Wouldn’t you like them to get their teeth kicked in? Could happen, in a sense, Sunday night. The Packers have shown their offense hasn’t slowed much at all with Mr. Rogers flingin’ the biscuit in HIS neighborhood. And Dallas has shown it’s might defense is mighty only on paper when Donavan and his Fleagles torched ‘em for 37 points last Monday, AT HOME. The ‘Pups have never won at Lambeau, and it won’t happen now. Cowbabies are a 3 point road favorite- wrong team favored here- Never underestimate the POWER OF TUNDRA - Take the Packers, with the MUCH better defense, to cover, and I like them to outright win the game, with the ‘Pups on a short week. Choke on your popcorn, TO-

Monday Night Football gets another marquis matchup featuring the over-hyped Brett Favre- The Chargers are a team in urgency mode, and they wouldn’t be had Eddie Hoculi hadn’t hocked up a loogie of a call against The Bolts. Stunned by TWO consecutive losses in the final moments of their previous contests, the Bolts are favored by 8 ½. Make no mistake, there will be no Favre Magic on THIS night. Take the Chargers and the 8 ½.

There’s my prognostication for the week, FanZ! I’ll see you guys Sunday night, God willing! Enjoy the games, and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PANTHERS!

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14 September, 2008


September 14, 2008

I’m finally recovered from my awesome buzz of the day, and I’m thinking-

How the hell did the Carolina Panthers win this game against Da Bears?

I know, earlier in the week, I had predicted a hard-fought game that would be decided in Foxball fashion in the second half. When I had seen the weather forecast, I knew it might come down to a simple factor-

Where the sun was in the fourth quarter.

So, through the game, I kept looking up at the sky, trying to determine the time that the sun would set on the south side of the stadium shading our ‘Cats, and cooking Da Bears on their side of the field.

That never happened.

What DID happen, however, was more Foxball. The offense never called anything long, desperate, or chancy. We never abandoned the run, we got friskier defensively, and Chris Harris once again showcased his uncanny ability to get the ball carrier to cough up the ball. Jake didn’t need a last-second heroic pass to close the game out, but he did lead a rally in the closing minutes to put us ahead for good. No big game from our receivers? No big game from Rosario? No problem. A strike to ANOTHER tight end, Jeff King, feeling some Hokie Buzz from yesterday’s escape from Georgia Tech, puts us in the position to punch it in courtesy of our bludgeon, Johnny Stewart. This game went pretty much as I thought it would, although that gift TD from a blocked punt two minutes into the game was unexpected, but without THAT, Da Bears manage what, ten points? Told ya. If we stop the run on Da Bears, Kyle Orton-hears-a-‘Oo will never, never beat us. Howzat, PantherFanz? At last, a home opener we WIN, over a pretty decent team, and we are now 2-0.

2-0 WITHOUT Steve Smith.

Read that again.

Take a second, and let that sink in. We’ve been fighting the bad guys with one hand tied behind our back, one eye closed, one foot tied behind our leg, and a sack over our head.

Monday morning, Smitty comes back to practice. The sack comes off, the hand comes untied, the eyes open up, and both feet come down to the ground. Don’t think HE’S not itching to make the big play- Oh, and he will.

Let’s return to the game, shall we?

This was the kind of game we have been losing in the past two seasons. The breaks just not would go our way, and Jake would do something boneheaded, and we could come on the short end of an otherwise decent effort. But we managed to do just enough to win- But there’s GOT to come a time where we will have to see more than that. It’s great to win, yes. It’s great to walk out of the BOFA while shutting up the fans of the other team. But wouldn’t it be nice to have an afternoon of not sweating out the outcome? I don’t want to sound ungreatful for the win, but hopefully, getting Smitty back changes this-

I think I’ve expounded on this before, but let’s fast forward to next Sunday-

How do the Vikings game plan for us NOW? They let their game against the gimpy Colts get away from them- The Colts that got HAMMERED at home against Da Bears, the team we JUST BEAT- Ok, Vikings, go ahead and stuff the box, and nail Stewilliams. We got this little dude that will burn you and he wears 89, and oh yeah, we got great tight ends too, and we won’t hesitate to throw to them. Alright, you respect our passing game, and you’ll make sure you cover 89. No problem. Now, make sure your secondary can STOP Stewilliams. Or is that Williart? Because we will certainly blast through your defensive line and linebackers. I know, I know, I might be talking a little too much smack at this early juncture, but WHERE have the Panthers excelled in ALL of Foxy’s tenure?

Yep. ON THE ROAD. I am hyper-confident right now. I am virtually guaranteeing a victory in Minneapolis next Sunday. But you know what I’ve kinda got weird feeling about?


The Duckies the week after. God, I hate the Duckies. And they hate us too.

But hey, that’s two weeks from now! I’m gonna savor being 2-0, hear that goober from “Against the Spread” eat his words on Friday and gush over what a great road team the Panthers are.

I would be amiss if I didn’t mention the AWESOME tailgate party we had today. What a BUZZ Lauren and I caught today! Be sure to tell Dano and James and PeaDad and the other FANZ who work really hard to make this party the best pre-AND postgame in town! The addition of Eddie, his monster grill, and his moonshine-swilling crew is great too. Nice to have a fellow Shelbian in the group. Let’s rip it for the Duckies game comin’ up!

An aside for the college game- Was that overhyped match between the F**KEYES and USC a total non-event or what? I was so tired of the blather from all of the talking heads that I couldn’t wait for the damn thing to be played and over with. There was no question in my mind that Jimmy Tressel’s overrated F**KEYES were going to be ripped into 678,869 little pieces. Which they were. Ok, enough of that. Focus on the SEC, where REAL FOOTBALL is played, SOUTHUN’ FRIED STYLE.

And I close on a note of concern. Brian, our beloved core tailgate member, is feeling quite poorly due to complications with his kidney. This kind of thing is NOT to be trifled with. He couldn’t even make it to his seats for today’s game, and I was concerned as I did not see him in his seat from across the field. Please join me in your prayers for his well-being, and if you’re able, be handy for the things he might need assistance with. I know I’ll be.

In the meantime, enjoy, at last, a week without trepidation. A week without anxiety about blowing a home game. A week of great anticipation leading to a possiblilty of great reward-

A 3-0 start, with clear sailing after that.

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08 September, 2008


September 8th, 2008

Or, would it be “Bear Facts”? “Grin and Bear it”? “BEARing the burden”? The phrases have flooded over me today- “Bear Necessities”- “Laying Bare”, etc, you get it, I hope. I got a chance, after my hyper-joyous rant, to cool off, and watch our next opponent last night, and I haven’t even allowed myself to let the great feeling linger.
All of a sudden, I have a little trepidation. It’s time to face some BEAR facts-

1- Our home record as of late has been ABYSMAL.
2- The Chicago Bears are not that bad, after all, having really had their way with the Colts last night-
3- We have yet to put two consistent games together-
4- We have the tendency to follow a really stout performance with a clunky one.
5- We rarely ever put a team away.
6- There’s a small part of me that still needs convincing.

With that, here come the Bears, here comes our home opener. I don’t think the Bears are going to watch the game film from San Diego and just shiver with fear- Nor is Foxy and the staff going to do the same, and think these guys are a pushover- and woe to anyone wearing the uniform of the player that is taking these guys lightly. Here’s one more game without the game breaker- Here’s one more game to be set up for a let down. Here’s one more game that MANDATES-

Here it comes, guys-

Wait for it, Brain----

FOXBALL. That’s right, Foxball. If we are going to have a chance against these schmos, we need to identify what we did RIGHT against The Chargers, and do MUCH LESS of what we did wrong. The Bears might be tougher to run against than the Chargers, but that shouldn’t in NO WAY stop the effort to do so. Also, on defense, we need to “stack the line”, and make Kyle Orton-hears a ‘OO beat us. Make him throw the ball. If we are beaten on the ground, all of the good feeling generated by the preseason and yesterday’s game will be gone. If we cannot generate a pass rush and fluster Orton, we are back to last season’s misery. Personally, I don’t’ think we’re going to do well flingin’ the biscuit down the field in this game. This is a game that will be won on the lines, and not by Jake’s heroics. I pray that we don’t need them, either!

I cannot stress enough HOW VITALLY IMPORTANT to this fan base, these people, you and I, PSL owners who have ponied up the cash, year after year in loyal support, it is for this, team, The Carolina Panthers, to put forth the effort, and put the Bears away at home Sunday. Stop the trend, dead, extinguish it, for good, with a decisive victory.
BEAR any burden, but make sure you put forth the MAXIMUM effort, Panthers, and give us fans who have supported you all of this time something to REALLY cheer about! I would gladly lose to the Vikings two weeks from now by double digits, by four touchdowns, for the joy of closing out an opponent at home. I can’t help but parrot Mark Packer by repeating “This is the game you GOTTA win”- Perhaps you all don’t really want to hear any pessimism coming from me after such a great game, but I just got a rush of reality. I personally see a tough contest coming up this Sunday. BUT-

Again, I’m seeing a different Panthers team this year. I’m seeing FOXBALL being played in textbook fashion against DaBears- won’t be terribly exciting like last week, but I’m cautiously certain that we are leaving the stadium happy this Sunday- and I guarantee THIS-

The tailgate party will be a smashing success. Be there. Let’s start the season cheering our hearts out- the team deserves it after “Bearing good efforts” of yesterday.

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07 September, 2008


September 7th, 2008

I know that Brain said if I said “Foxball” one more time, he’d give me a five-minute time out-

Go for it, lover boy!!!

If you’re like me, many of you PantherFanz are just giddy with what we’ve just seen. Let me temper y’all. This is one game. Remember 2001? Going up to the Mighty Metrodome and seeing Stinky Weinke and that little runt Steve Smith rough up the Vikings? Remember what happened next?

Uh huh.

This, I promise you, is NOT 2001.

What we’ve seen today is the template for the rest of the year. Just as I had described it in a blog last winter. We have seen Foxball played today, while not to perfection, we have seen it played good enough to win- in a hostile stadium against one of the NFL’s supposed “Power Teams”. What is Foxball, for those of you who’ve not kept up? It’s a power running game, with a bruising offensive line, with bruising running backs, with little chances being taken in the passing game. In the John Fox football world, a PUNT is “not a bad play” and you take the three points when you get the chance. Hence, the 9-7 lead at the half. I know lots of fans would take disdain at the fact we weren’t able to punch it into the endzone. But friends, look at the numbers- we had OUTGAINED the Bolts two-to-one offensively, particularly on the ground, where the Bolts supposedly excel. We controlled the line of scrimmage and time of possession. Most importantly, Jake wasn’t TOUCHED until the third quarter. Since field position was also well in our favour (thanks Rhys Lloyd and running game!!) the defense could play their kind of game, and keep that powerful offense in check and on the ropes.

Speaking of “on the ropes” I couldn’t help but think of Muhammad Ali and his- Rope-a-Dope fighting style, and how it related to Foxball. Gettin’ the defense set up- for the knockout. While it didn’t quite happen to the Chargers, they were still plenty gassed by the time Jake engaged his end-of-game heroics. While Foxball is not for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t sell tickets- it does tend to win championships. It did for the Giants, and it did for us, when we had the personnel. We have the personnel NOW. And oh, there’s a time when Foxball doesn’t work. The last two minutes of a half, or a game. That’s when you need a ballsy gunslinger of a quarterback, kinda like Brett Favre. Oh, yeahhhhhhhh- We got that. But he needs a target he has confidence in. Like Steve Smi- uh oh. Like Mushin Muh- uh oh. Dante WHO? Uh, yeah, we got that. Tomorrow morning, look at the box score and see who caught the ball for our Cats. DJ Hackett? Never saw preseason or practice? No problem. DeWayne Jarrett looked like the possession receiver we drafted him to be. Moose made some clutch catches, but we are seeing the emergence of an offensive weapon that will make the running game even more effective, and one particular little dude that wears 89 a death blow to defenses later on in the season. Welcome back, Tight end, to the Carolina Panthers offensive game plan. When Foxball is REALLY working to it’s intended result, the second half will be the part of the game when the opponent will have to choose their style of death- Will they want to be bludgeoned by Williams and
Stewart, or carved up into little pieces by 89, Moose, Hackett, Jarrett, and especially now, Dante Rosario? Again, how are defenses going to game plan for us WHEN STEVE SMITH COMES BACK!!?? The prospects are absolutely intoxicating to contemplate.

How many times have we watched a big game we had in the bag, only to have a big-name QB snatch the victory away from us with those late game heroics? How many times have we watched in angst, either when we were playing or some other teams, and thought, Why not US!!!??? Why can’t WE have a Brett Favre or Tommy Brady or Joe Montana throw that heroic last second touchdown pass? Why can’t WE feel what it feels like?

Today, it WAS OUR turn. And OHHHHHHHHHHHH how sweet that felt!

So, season opener, in the bag. A big win, of course, but it’s not a division game. Gets us noticed, but don’t think the Saints, Bucs and Duckies are afraid of us now.

But they need to be.

As I type this, the very balance of power is shifting in the NFL- The Mighty Indianapolis Colts are being throttled at home, by the “lowly” Chicago Bears, who by the way, we host next Sunday. Tom Brady is OUT for the season. Forgive me if I shed tears of sympathy for the Pastry-Rots! Cleveland laid an egg at home, just as I thought they would. The SeaDogs got blasted by Bufflamago. It’s OUR TIME, Fanz! And Foxball will take us there, whether you like the style or not.

Oh, and welcome back, Dano. I know you enjoyed that trip out to Sad Diego.

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03 September, 2008


September 3rd, 2008

Well, the NFL season starts tomorrow, and MOST every fan around the league can make about as solid a case as anyone else as to why their team has a chance to make the playoffs (PLAYOFFS!!??? DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!!??). Especially PantherFanZ- How can I say that? Let’s take a hard, honest look as to why, the Carolina PantherZ, have an especially good chance, given what we’ve seen in the offseason, the preseason, and what’s ahead…

1- Offensive Personnel. The O line has been significantly upgraded. The success of the running game is evident. We now have the huge corn-fed hunks of beef to do that. Jake Delhomme’s arm is better than ever, and the receiving corps has been upgraded. The return of Moose is a boon in ways tangible and intangible. The tight end duo of Jeff King and Dante Rosario is something we haven’t had since the days of Wesley Walls, when the tight end played an important part in our offensive game plan. And being without Smitty for the first two games this season, that will be critical! And speaking of running game, Williams and Stewart will certainly be that two headed attack that will keep the pass rush off of Jake, the chains moving, and larger numbers in the “W” column.
2- Defensive Personnel. The dead wood in the “D” has been clipped out. We now have a younger, improved front 4 with a rejuvenated Julius Peppers, and they are no longer the focal point of the defense. The LINEBACKERS, eight deep with great talent and playmaking ability from EVERY ONE, will lead this defense. Our defensive secondary got a great player in the draft of Charles Godfrey, and an incredible nickel player in Richard Marshall. A maximum of THREE LOUSY POINTS were all starting offenses could muster on our starters in the preseason this year. These guys are going to make us forget the dismal days of last season, for sure.
3- Special Teams. Rhys Lloyd is a good start. You can’t say enough about the ability to root kickoffs deep into the endzone. Starting a defensive series on the 20 or even further back is critical to success. The coaching staff made sure to keep players on the roster that will certainly be big contributors in return coverage. Keep your eye out on Hillee Taylor, that Tar Heel Terminator on the coverage teams. Even if we don’t have a home run hitter on ball return, teams won’t be starting their offensive series in optimal field position. Jason Baker continues to boom punts. That’s important, since Foxy seems to think a punt is not a bad play.
4- Schedule. Only four teams the PuddyCatZ play this year went to the playoffs last year. Tampa, oh yeah, that juggernaut that went 9-7 and looked awful losing to the G’ints, who are, oh yeah the SuperBowl winners, who we will also play. And there’s the Favreless Packers, who are certain to be hamstrung without him. We open with the Chargers, which will be our toughest game of the year. After that, there is no one on the schedule we cannot beat. No one. The Saints will be a decent opponent, but still quite beatable.
5- The Cedar Street Seer says so.

I realize I made a similar rant two weeks ago, but I just gotta start the season by re-empahsizing what I think is so right about this year's team. I will probably continue to point out how much better at every phase of the game we are from last year, just 'cause. We need to. Part of getting the stink out.

So, Crazy Joe-

What do you say about the final record, huh? Ok, this is official. Who do we lose to this year? The Chargers. The Vikings. The Saints, once, The Bucs, once, and one more to a team we shouldn’t lose to, like we did to the Texans in our SuperBowl year. That’s five losses. 11-5, and winning the division. Howzat? So how will that compare with the rest of the league? I don’t even need to put on my Tarnak hat, I can see quite clearly into the future. That’s why Marc called me The Cedar Street Seer.

Let’s start with the leagues answer to the SEC- The American Football Conference.

In the AFC East, one would jump on the New EnglandLand Pastry-Rots right away, but there’s some age on this team, particularly on the defense. Tommy Brady is dealing with foot injuries, and something tells me these guys are going to be in quite the fight from the rest of the division. Hell, even Tuna’s Miami Dull-phins won’t be so dull. I’m going out on a limb. NewEngland misses the playoffs this year. The Brett Favre-led J*E*T*S JETS JETS JETS will win this division, by a whisker over the Pastry-Rots. The Buffalo Bills will push hard, but don’t have enough offense to challenge, although scoring on them will be tough.

The AFC South is the crucible of the conference. One could make a case for all four teams having what it takes to make the playoffs. (PLAYOFFS!!!??? DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!!??) Even with Peyton Manning a little shaky from offseason surgery, the Colts are still solid. The Jacksonville Jag-you-wyres are every bit as solid. The Texans are MUCH improved, and while Tennessee is behind the other three offensively, they have a withering defense. The wildcards come from this division. I’m gonna call Indy the champs, Jacksonville and HOUSTON, yes HOUSTON, making the cut as wild cards.

The AFC North is tough, but not that tough. Piss-burgh is still the class of the division. Far and above the other three. The Ravens will play great defense, but will start rookie Joey Flacco at QB. Tsk Tsk Tsk. I’m not drinkin’ Cleveland’s kool-aid this year. The Bungles are a mess.

How far the AFC West has fallen. Once upon a time, this was the center of NFL power. Now, the Chargers are the only team that scares anyone, and their halcyon days are coming to an end. Remember how LaDamian sulked in the playoff game last year? Phillip Rivers still hasn’t shown me he’s all that. The Chefs are in total rebuilding mode, Al Davis still handles the Ray-durrs, should I say anymore? The Broncoids don’t scare anyone.

Now, for OUR conference, the ACC of the league-

The NFC East is still the toughest division in the conference. Make no mistake, the Dallas Cowgirrls are for real. Solid team, down the board. So are the Philadelphia Eagles. While Donavan McSnabb is the pro’s pro at QB, the prospect of seeing Kevin Kolb fling the biscuit for the Boids is quite intriquing. I think the Noo Yawk G’ints fought really hard to make and get through the playoffs last year. I have this weird feeling they are going to have a hard time getting back, especially losing the heart of their defense in Usaymoria and Strahan. The Warshington Deadskins have been exposed. They are going to need some work. One of the wildcards comes from this division. The Fleagles. The Cowpatties win it.

The NFC North has fallen on cold, cold times. The Green Bay Packers have lost a lot in Brett Favre. I’m sure Aaron Rogers can play, but that’s quite a drop off. Will the team play for him? It remains to be seen. The defense is solid, but someone’s gotta lead the offense down that tundra when points are vital. The Vikings have Peterson, a decent defense, and could challenge the Packers’ long hold on the division. The Lions are a perpetual rebuilding project, and the Bears are old, still fielding an offensive offense that scares no one. I say Minney-soda wins this one.

The NFC West is weak, weak, weak. The Seattle SeaDogs are the class of the division, but hey, look out! Guess who will be coming on? Yep, that favorite of bandwagoners everywhere, the SadFradCisco Phoney-Niners have sucked long enough. They will actually be competitive this year, which you will not be able to say about the Cardy-noles or Saint Looey Lambs.

And the South? Home sweet Home? OUR division, baby. We win this thing, but not without a challenge from The Saints, who have the offense to score on practically anyone. Even us. They will win the wildcard. The Bucs have too many holes, and don’t underestimate the mind-screw applied to Jeff Garcia in the bungled Favre-get. The Duckies are years away from being any good.

So how do the playoffs shake out? In the AFC, Pissburgh oils the Texans, Jacksonville shocks the Chargers. The Jets and Favre gun down the Squealers, and Indy busts the Jag-you-wyres. Manning takes Brett and they go for one more for Tony D. In the NFC, The Saints sink the Vikings, The Boids pluck the other Boids from Seattle. The Cowpatties overcome a tremendous scorefest with the Saints, and OUR CAROLINA PANTHERS down the Fleagles. And revenge, sweet revenge, as our regular season futility with those f***ers from Dallas continues to parlay in playoff superiority as we go on to meet The Colts.

And lose. ***SIGH***

Sucks being the Seer sometimes.

But if I’m right, and I guarantee I’m 80% on with these picks, it will be a GREAT SEASON!


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Email me, The Cedar Street SeerCaptnTee@aol.com