THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9

October 31st, 2008

ECCCCHHH! 50% sucks even in handicapping. I can’t believe I went 7-7 last week, and if you’re reading this, I’m surprised you’re back and giving me another chance, which I do appreciate. With this week Pantherless, I’ll certainly give the picks extra clear thought. I will say this though. Even without our Cats playing this week, the week’s contests are important, vitally so to our playoff chase. Isn’t the league far more fun and interesting when WE’RE relavant? With that, I’ll dig right in.

HOUSTON @ MINI-SODA
The Texans have managed to get back into playoff contention. The Vikings are in trouble. Even a win for the purple clad-underachievers doesn’t guarantee anything. Couldn’t hurt though. Houston’s run D is suspect, although they are really moving the ball with Matt Schaub back at QB. Still, I like the notion of Adrian Peterson running wild Sunday. The line is at 4 ½, and I think the Vikings should want this more. I lean to the Vikings, although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Houston win.

JACKSONVILLE @ CINCINATTAH
The Jaggy-whyers really hurt me in my picks last week. With so much at stake in a very winnable home game, a loss really hurt them. A loss to the winless Bungles ends any realistic hopes at the postseason. I get the feeling the Bungles are playing out the string now, and I think Jacksonville plays like they mean it. The talent level, and HEART quotient is so much higher for them. They will win by the 7 ½ points they are favoured by.

TAMPA BAY @ KANSAS CITY
The Chef’s game against the BRETS last week surprised me, AND hurt me, too! I never thought they could stay in the game against an offense that was supposedly superior, especially without LJ! Ok, I’m getting the same feeling here, but the Bucs aren’t the Titans, who blew them out at home, gashing them for over 300 yards on the ground. And I didn’t think the Bucs would get their ass handed to them at Dallas- I’m gettin’ weird with the 8 ½ point spread. I know we’d ALL LOVE to see the Bucs get filleted by the Chefs, but I don’t think our karma’s THAT good. Reluctantly, I’ll take the Bucs and the points.

BALTIMORE @ CLEVELANDLAND
If the Ravens, with a top-level defense and an improving offense, want to make the playoffs, this is the kind of game they MUST win. I’m not really sure how the Brownies managed to thump the G’ints AND the Jagz at their house. I’m not sure about how much juice the Art Modell thing plays into this rivalry. Perhaps they’ve got something for the Ravens- naahhh. Wrong team favoured- Gimme the Ravens and the 1 ½ points.

NY B R E T S @ BEEFALO
Ok, this is a team I can’t figger out. They look bad in losing to crOakland, and bad in winning with the Chefs in their house. Buffalo is leading the division, with the Pastry-Rots breathing down their neck. The Bills are hard to beat at home, and they’ll be motivated. I say the struggles of Favre continue. Gimme the Bills and the 5 ½ points.

ARID-ZONA @ ST. LOUIS
The Rams stay unshorn for one more week, with a competitive performance in a losing effort against the Patsies last Sunday. Haslett seems to have been the difference in getting these guys believing in themselves again. But these Cardinals are so much better than I gave them credit for. After their game last week, I’m convinced. I think Kurt Warner will be pumped in playing his old team, and I like the Cardy-Noles to win by at least those 3 points. Win three more, Jimmy Haslett, and get your contract. You just ain’t winnin’ THIS week.

DETROIT AT CHICAGO
Alright, you Lie-uns let me down last week. No more love for you. DaBears are rested, ready, leading the division, and ready to kick the ass of their rival, no doubts about it.
The defense was thoroughly em”bear”essed by the Vikes in their last game, and they should be better on Sunday. The line is 13, and surprisingly not too heavy. Gimme DaBears.

GREEN BAY @ TENNESSEE
I’ve heard some talking heads calling this a “trap” game for the Titans. Nonsense. Had the Colts game been AFTER this one, then you could call it a trap game. The big, monsterous, HUMONGOUS game was last week, which I CORRECTLY called, BTW. The Packers will not pass or run on this ball-hawking defense. Gimme the home Titans and the 5 ½.

MIAMI @ DENVER
Ok, Miami is so much better than I had thought they would be this year. And Denver’s D is awful this year. Miami loves to run, run, run, and if Denver can’t stop it, Miami could control this game. Denver got thouroughly beaten up by NewEnglandland last week, and hurt Jay Cutler in the process. I don’t think he’ll be 100% in this game, and I’ll take the underdawg Dull-Fins and the 3 points.

ATLANTA @ crOAKLAND
I thought the Duckies were punchless on the road this year until they smoked the Tundra outta the Packers. The Schraiders are bad, but they DID beat the BRETS at home. I gotta feelin’ about this one. The Duckies might win, but not by much. I actually like the Schraiders to cover that slim line of 3 points.

DALLAS @ NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
If there ever was a game that screamed “blowout”, this is it. The GeeeeeeeMen are in pretty good shape after their tilt with the Squealers last week, and the Cowbabies are still hurting. It’s really not a question in this game if Brad Johnson will succumb to the mighty Giant pass rush, but WHEN. The G’ints really WANT this game, and expect that battering ram of Brandon Jacobs to pound the Cowpuppies into mush. The line is 9, and I think the GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMen blow ‘em out worse than that.

PHILTYDELPHIA @ SEATTLE
Is there a chance that the Phillies’ championship carries over to the Fleagles? Not even mentioning that Brian Westbrook is back, and Matt Hasselbeck, well it IS his back? I think so. Big win for the Boids and that 6 ½ point spread.

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ INDIANAPOLIS
This could be the very last gasp of the once-proud Colts. While they stood tall for almost three quarters against the mighty Titans, I think they could fare a little better against the Pastry-Rots. They haven’t been great at their new home this year, however. They DO get all-pro safety Sanders back, as well as Joseph Addiai. Don’t think THEY won’t make a difference in the struggling Colts. I just don’t like the line. Pretty heavy at 5 ½ points, in my opinion, therefore, as much as I detest doing it, I will take the Patsies to cover in this one.

PISSBURGH @ WARSHINGTOON
On the night before Election day, we are treated to a slugfest in the nation's capital. The Foreskins to me are a HUGE surprise based on what we saw in the preseason, and their opening game. The Squealers are a HUGE surprise based on the fact that Roethlesberger is still alive. His line does a crappy job of protecting him, but the defense is the saving grace of this team. I don't suspect that the FredSkins will do much against the D, but I think Big Ben could be pressured and sacked multiple times. The team that controls the ball better offensively has the best chance to win. I think these teams are evenly matched, and I'm just LEANIN' to Pissburgh and the +2 points.

That’s the clairvoyance for the week, Fanz! I’m cautiously confident I’ll do better than-

Last Week- 7-7
Season 45-37

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