01 October, 2008


October 1st, 2008

Well, Fanz, the NFL’s made it through the first quarter of the season. While some say it’s too early to note some trends, it might be cool to go ahead and forecast the rest of the season based on what we’ve seen so far. So, armed with my bruised but still functional clairvoyance gland, I’ll go through the entire league and give you my outlook-

Beefalo Beels, Tennessee Titans, NooYawk GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Men

There’s no way, no how, any of these teams go through the season unbeaten. Ain’t happenin. But I feel really, really, good about all three of these teams winning their division. The way they are playing right now, I just don’t see anyone challenging The Titans or Bills. The G’ints will have a harder time in their very tough division.

Tampa Bay Bucs, Carolina Panthers, Warshingtoon DeadSkins, Dallas Cowpuppies, Denver Broncoids, Pissburgh Squealers

The teams that should be in good shape are the Panthers, the Cowbabies, and believe it or not, the DEADSKINS, yes, THE DEADSKINS! The Cowpups, however, need to really improve that defense if they’re thinking Tampa. Speaking of Tampa, the Bucs DO have a puncher’s chance in the division, but the situation at QB and RB are not as favorable as their rival in Carolina. The Broncoids are a mirage, and since KC showed the league how to beat them, expect it to be duplicated at least eight more times. The Squealers are dead. With their O Line punctured and BOTH backs out- they may not even win the division, much less make the wild card.

NooYawk BRETTS, Jacksonville Jaggie-whyers, SanDiego Chargers, Philthydelphia Iggles, DaBears, Green Bay Packers, The DUCKIES, Nawlin’s Saints, Arid-zona Cardi-noles SadFrancisco Phoney-Niners

You could make a case for a playoff (PLAYOFFS!!?? DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!!??) spot for most of these teams, but I would feel best about the Chargers, Bears and Jag-you-whyers. Kyle Orton has REALLY surprised me with his maturity in the past few games, and it’s possible DaBears could actually challenge in their weak division. Jack DelRio has also impressed me with the way he’s gotten the Jags to play despite debilitating injuries. The Chargers just got off to a bad start, and also, there’s NOONE in that division to challenge them. The best the BRETTS and Saints could hope for is a wild card spot. Green Bay is getting hurt in the wrong places, especially with Aaron Rogers. Uh-oh. The Cardy-noles and Phoney-Niners could actually win their division. But that’s what it will take for them to make it. The West is just so, so, weak. Duckies-
You’ve got some nice pieces to start, but get through this year. If you win six games you should consider the season a success. The Boids are already in a hole, but the season’s young, and the four powerful teams in the NFC BEAST are just now starting to play each other. It’s possible that the G’ints or Cowpuppies wind up in last place, so I wouldn’t bury Th’ Boids yet.

Minnie-Soda Vikings, Kansas City Chefs, crOAKLAND Schraiders, ClevelandLand Brownies

Of these teams, only the Vikings could hope for the playoffs. The Chefs are too young, the Schraiders too bad, the same could be said for the Brownies. The division will just be too tough for them. The Chefs, Browns and Schraiders couldn’t even hope to play spoiler.

Cincinattah Bungles, Houston Texans, Dee-troy-it Lyuns, St. Looey Lambs

One of my good friends, the eccentric sculptor Charlie McGrady often quips for many situations- “Abandon all hope”. Save for the Texans, that goes for these guys. I still feel good about the Texans winning some games, but the other three are really, really bad, and might lose to the Chefs, Browns, and Schraiders should they be on their schedule. (the Bungles already have)

THE INCOMPLETES(teams that have had a bye)
Seattle Seadogs, Indianapolis Colts, Miami Dull-fins, NewEnglandLand Pastry-Rots, Ball-tea-more Ravens

The only team I feel really good about in this group are the Ravens. The game I saw them play against Pissburgh made a believer out of me. Joey Flacco has got to be the most poised rookie I’ve seen in many years at this position, even moreso that Peyton Manning. The Dull-phins had a great game against the Patsies, but they need another draft, and we’ll give ‘em some love next year. As for the Patsies- Their aging defense will have to carry them for the rest of this year, and I don’t see it happenin’ for them. The Colts are still trying to find their footing , and I just don’t see them able to challenge the Titans or Jags, and they’ve already lost to DelRio’s boys- IN THEIR HOUSE. Get well, Manning and co., and we’ll see ya next year. Seattle, whoo, you guys are in a fight. There’s NOONE in your division that’s clearly better than the other. I could see the SeaDogs not making it this year. BUT- any of these teams are in a great spot to play spoiler.

There ya go, Fanz- there’s my very first quarterly report on the league for the young season. Ain’t quite like my original prognostication, but besides Beefalo and Tennessee, I’m still right there…

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