THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 7

October 17th, 2008

Carnage. Pure, unadulterated Carnage, to use a phrase from my last rant.
6-7. Again. And truth be told, I’m not feeling very good this week. After last week’s brutal thumping, I’m not seeing clearly. I didn’t see Bal-tea-moore absolutely inept against the Colts. I CERTAINLY didn’t see The Lambs smackin’ the DeadSkins at home. And I REALLY didn’t give the Brownies a chance against the G’ints. Come on- DID YOU!!?? Well, arrrgh, excuses are for losers. I have to gut this out. With that said, I limp into the week’s contests.

TENNESEE @ THE CHEFS
Ok, this is the kind of game that almost feels like a trap after last week. But Jeff Fisher is a different kind of coach, and the Titans are a different kind of team. Kerry Collins doesn’t win this game, the defense does. And a deflated Tony Gonzales won’t be a difference maker in this game. If the Chefs thought Carolina was tough- Whoa. The Titans will make ‘em see stars. So I think. The lines’ at 8, and this might be the safest pick of the day. Take the UNDEFEATED TITANS to stay that way, by yes, the 8 points. (UPDATE-as of this morning, Larry Johnson is suspended for this game for team discipline and will not play, line's gone to 9. Won't matter.)

SAD DIEGO @ BEEFALO
Big, BIG win for the ‘Bolts last week. One they HAD to have. And Beefalo’s rested, and boy, did they need it. Trent Edwards is back, and somehow, I’m not feelin’ the urgency from the Beels this week. The only realistic push in their division is from the Bretts, come on, the Dull-fins are a season away from contending, and the Pastry-rots have to wait ‘til Tommy comes back, and perhaps even beyond that. A good game, potentially, and it’s a pick’em. The ‘Bolts are hot, and I’ll pick the Chargers.

PISSBURGH @ CINCINATTAH
Another team with a VITAL need of a bye. How The Squealers have maintained a 4-1 record has me convinced someone in that organization has sold their soul.
The Bungles are hurtin’ just as bad as the Squealers, and the Squealers may get Willie Parker back. I just don’t see how the Bungles get enough points to cover this spread, but stranger things have happened… Errrrrrrrrggghghh… Oh, I can’t do it. I can’t give any love to the Bungles, much as I want to. The line is 9 ½ for the Squealers, and I say take it.

BAL-TEA-MORE @ MIAMI
After last week, when do you think I’ll be qouthing love for the Ravens? Nevermore, my friends, NEVERMORE. The Dull-fins are actually competitive this season, and Tony Sorpano is up for an Emm-, uh no, not THAT dude, Coach of the year, IMO. I think the Ravens wilt much like the Panthers did in that hot South Florida sun. The Fish are favoured, and I like the call. Take Tuna’s Team and those 3 points.

DULL-ASS @ SAD LOOEY
Ok, bad mis-pro. Dallas is anything but dull, with all of the attention swirling around their injury report, insanely bad free-agent acquisition of Roy Williams, and the suspension of Adam Jones. The Lambs are coming off of a HUGE confidence boosting-win over the FredSkins last week, and don’t think that doesn’t count for something. There’s something BIG wrong with the Cowpuppies, and that may not manifest itself this week, well, maybe it will. This might be the wrong call, but this either feels like a rallying point for the Cowgirls, or further implosion. Make no mistake, they’re a better team than the Lambs, but you don’t win on talent alone. I think The Lambs are ready to rally too. This could be the kind of game Steven Jackson rumbles through on, and they’ll make it close. The CowPatties are favoured by 7, but I like the Lambs to cover.

MINI-SODA @ CHICAGO
The Vikings BEARLY (pun intended) survived the Ly-uns AT HOME last week, and DaBears are a squbb kick away from being 4-2. This game could be a blowout. DaBears are at home, and I like ‘em BIG. Ahhh, dere’s a soiten team from DaWindy City dat’s gotta tree points ovah da Vikings- and dat team is….
Da Bears. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- Bears.

NAWLIN’S @ CAROLINA
I’ve ranted about the karma of this game earlier. The NFC South has all of a sudden become a crucible, if but for a short period. I’ve looked ahead at all of the schedules for the four teams in this division, and while I expect the Duckies to fade, the other three, ESPECIALLY the Buck-an-ears, are going to be in this thing right up to Week 17. Week 5, Saints bite the wax tadpole at home; Cats flay the Chefs, an AFC Worst team. Week 6, Saints flay the Schraiders, another awful AFCWorst team; Panthers lose a road division game. I don’t want to call this a must-win game, because there’s plenty of season left, but this is a game that the Panthers really need to make a statement on. This is a different Panthers team from last year, and despite the offensive prowess of the Saints, I believe the Panthers rally. It will be tough, very tough, but we’ve beaten these guys before. Panthers by 3.

SAD FRANCISCO @ NOOYAWK
Ok, I’m hesitating here. Last Monday, G-men, bad team, big point spread, G-men lose. Sure, some elements have changed in this game here, but some have remained the same. G-men, bad team, big point spread. The Phoney-Niners actually hung with a desparate Iggles team last week, and I’m wondering if they can hang with the GEEEEEEEEEEmen this week. They’re away from home, and the G’ints are on a short week. There’s no question that the G’ints win here, I’m just questioning the line- it’s 10 ½ right now, and I don’t really want to, but I’m thinking the Niners cover. If they fail, I’m not givin’ them any more love this season.

DEE-TROY-IT @ HOUSTON
Houston, you HAD a problem. With Matt Schaub back, and brimming with confidence, you should have no problem with the Motor City Misfits. They looked great against a suddenly good Miami team. The line is 8 ½, and I’m comfortable with that.

NOOYAWK BRETS @ crOAKLAND
Can we get rid of those hideous NY Titans unies now? Please? As of this posting, Brett Favre is 2-0 in ‘em, so take the nasty togs away, and there’s an equalizing factor…

Ok, maybe not. These are two teams going in opposite directions. But I can’t throw a bunch of love at these Brets yet. Favre is due for a stinker, and I think it’s this weekend in the Black Hole of crOakland. Yeah, the Schraiders suck on ice, but they DO have some talent in some postitons, and they’re at home. I like the Schraiders to cover that 3 points the B*R*E*T*S BRETS BRETS BRETS are favoured by.

CLEVELANDLAND @ WARSHINGTOON
Ok, THIS is the game that spooks me. Which Brownie team shows up Sunday? Which SchredSkins team shows up Sunday? How many times do you think Romeo C. and his staff have dissected the game film from the Lambs game? The Brownies just dispatched what was arguably the NFL’s top team, and do you think they don’t believe they could punish the ForeSkins? The NedSkins are favoured by a touchdown. I don’t like it, and I think the Brownies cover.

INDIANAPOLIS @ THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF GREEN BAY
Problem for Packer Nation is, the tundra is not frozen yet, and therefore powerless. Another problem. Peyton is back. I mean, REALLY back. The Colts are beginning to resemble the juggernaut they have been for the past few seasons, and I don’t think the Packers’ injury-riddled defense is stopping them. Aaron Rogers showed a lot of heart in thumping a really bad Seadogs team, but this ‘aint the Seadogs, Aaron. Indy’s favoured by 1, and you can multiply that number a few times. Forget the tundra today, friends.

SEATTLE @ TAMPA BAY
And SPEAKING of the Seadogs, after getting absolutely bitch-slapped by the Men Of The Tundra, get a rejuvenated Buck-an-ears team. The Seadogs, unlike ClevelandLand, are really, really bad. Yet, this is a team of professionals, just like the rest of the league. I never would have DREAMED that the Lambs would go to Warshingtoon and thump the ‘Skins. Never. So, how I’d love for Holmgren to take his sucky Northwestern team of losers and thump those Bucs. Not gonna happen. I’d be happy as hell if he did, though. Line is 10 ½ for them Bucs, and I’m inclined to take it, much as it kills me.

DENVER @ NEW ENGLANDLAND
Oh, boy, here’s another land mine. On one hand, there’s the offensive juggernaut that is the Broncoids. On the other, is the wounded but desparate Pastry-Rots. Let’s look at this game from another perspective. For two years, maybe more, the Evil-checks have dominated the league, and now- it’s payback. And Shanahan is another one of those humorless, Billy-Bad-ass coaches. Think he’d like to trim Dr. EvilCheck in HIS house? I’m feeling the motivating factors going to the Broncoids. The Patsies are favoured by 3, but I’m leanin’ to the Broncoids.

There it is, Fanz. My hopes are riding on going 8-5 at best. Please God; don’t let me go 6-7 again…

Last week, (WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHH)(the sound of regurgitation) 6-7

Season 30-25

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