THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES- WEEK 8

October 24th, 2008

Welllll, THAT’s a little more like it! Going 8-5 sure beats the hell out of going 6-7! As we approach the mid-point of the season, there’s three kinds of clubs out there- the serious contenders, the hopeless, and the clubs fighting to survive. Here’s my breakdown of the week’s contests-

CROAKLAND @ BALL-TEA-MOORE
What a piece of crap the Schraiders forced the Brets to play last week! I doubt they will be able to do that against a stout Ravens defense that made my pick against them look foolish last week. I think the offense will do enough to move the chains, and score enough against the CableGuys to win. At 3-3, they’ve got a puncher’s chance to stay in the playoff race, and that should motivate them against an inferior team. The line’s a bit heavy at 7, but I’ll lean to Ball-tea-moore in this one. But I quothe no further love for them, nevermore, my friends.

SAD DIEGO vs. NEW ORLEANS in LONDON, ENGLANDLAND
Who’s the Einstein that thought international games were a good ideer? A novelty at best, to countries that go far wilder over, ECHHHH! – soccer! (no offense to you soccer dads out there) You’re dealing with far different time zones, climates, food, fans, etc, that puts both teams at a disadvantage. Now, add to this that both teams are truly beaten up after dismal defeats last weekend. The Charger’s defense is depleted, the Saints never had one, and THEY are without Reggie Bush, possibly their best playmaker. Looks like it could be a shootout. Both teams are in DESPARATE need of a win, but The Saints are moreso. And at times, I suspect they’ll play like it.
The Chargers are favored by 3 points, and I’m takin’ it. The loser’s postseason chances after this one are probably shot.

KANSAS CITY @ NOO YAWK BRETS
I feel really bad for this franchise. The once-proud Chefs are now as bad as any NFL team I’ve ever seen. Yes, they are in re-building mode, but I don’t see how Herm Edwards’ job survives this season. There is no energy, no will to win, no quality player at any skill position, and now, no Larry Johnson. As much as I hate to say it, this is a day for Brett Favre to cavre up this moribound team. A heavy, heavy, line at 13, but hey, this is a matchup MADE for that diva Favre to succeed. Take the Bretts, who live to fight for the postseason for another week.

BEEFALO @ MIAMI
Ok, I guess the league is starting to figger out Tony Sorpano’s screwy but simple “Wildcat” play that the Dull-phins wowed the league with early. The Beel’s stout D will handle the Fhish, yes, even in that hot South Florida sun. Trent Edwards is proving to be a genuine leader at quarterback for this team The line is 1 ½, and I like the Beels to continue to keep their lead on the Pastry-Rots.

TAMPA BAY @ DALLAS
Ohhh, you know all possible eyes in the NFL and even the casual fan will be looking at this game, anticipating the train wreck that is to come. This is a contest between a team that really isn’t, but is populated by WAYYYYYYYY superior talent, save one position, against a team that IS a team. This is a statement game, for both teams. The Bucs NEED this game to stay with the Panthers, and the Cowbabies MUST win this game JUST to stay relevant in the league. The division may already be out of reach for them. If they cannot realize any success in the ground attack with Marion Barberian, the game will be lost. The Bucs will probably have no problem scoring, and their former QB now playing for Dallas, Brad “Old Man” Johnson, will have a BIG problem penetrating the Bucs D. I kinda doubt offensive dude Jason Garrett will have an answer for the Bucs this weekend. I’ll take the Bucs, as much as it hurts, and it hurts, and the 2 ½ points they’re getting as an underdawg.

DUCKIES @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
The Fleagles have been given new life with the Cowbabies’ struggles, and a really needed bye. Getting Brian Westbrook back is HUGE, and I don’t think Matt Ryan is ready for the INTENSE blitzing Jimmy Johnson’s boys will be throwing at these Duckies. If Turner the Burner can’t get his yards, it will be a long day. That line is large, large, large, but if the Boids’ D plays like it has, I don’t see why they don’t beat the Duckies by the 9 points they’re favoured by. The Duckies come back to earth.

SAINT LOOEY @ NEW ENGLANDLAND
For one week, and one week only, the St. Looey LAMBS have now matured into RAMS.
Coach Haslett has done a fine job in getting this team competitive again. The Pasties looked really good carving up the hapless Broncoids last week, and I’m wondering if the Rams are catching the Pastry-Rots at a too-comfortable over-confident state. Loosing Rodney Harrison doesn’t help them, and if Steven Jackson can get the running game going, they may yet have ONE MORE competitive game in them. The Pastry-Rots are favoured by 7, and I like the Rams to cover. Should the Rams win, they will put unexpected pressure on the Cardy-Noles’ playoff express. A loss for the Pastry-Rots will pretty much end the division hopes but the wildcard is still possible.

ARID-ZONA @ CAROLINA
Annnnnnnnnnnd- SPEAKING of those Cardy-noles, who have the league’s #2 passing offense – please meet the NFL’s #2 passing DEFENSE. Last week they PUNISHED the leagues’ NUMBER ONE offense. I imagine they will do the same this week. Meanwhile, enough Foxball will be played to keep the game tight, and in favour of the ‘Cats. The Panthers have been AWESOME at home this year, and I believe the trend continues. While a loss hurts both of these teams, it will not greatly diminish postseason chances for either team. The Panthers need this more, and they will be motivated. Take the Panthers and the four points.

WARSHINGTOON @ DEE-TROY-IT
The Lie-uns have actually started to fight a little bit, keeping things close with the Vikings and Texans at THEIR houses- The FredSkins didn’t impress me much with their home victory over the Brownies. The Lie-uns are NOT without weapons on the skill positions, and they may make this a contest at the Stadium that Ford built. The DreadSkins will win, but I like the Lie-uns to cover that 7 ½ point spread.

CLEVELANDLAND @ JACKSONVILLE
After a much-needed bye, the Jag-you-whyers get a much-underwhelming opponent in the Brownies, who I’d suspect will have a tough time puncturing the Jag’s D. Meanwhile, the stout running game will control the clock, and the acutely accurate David Garrard will fire darts into the Brownie D. The Jags, while realistically out of contention for the division, can still fight for the wildcard. Should the Brownies lose, they are done. Consider them done. Jag-you-whyers and 7.

NOO YAWK GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEN @ PISSBURGH
Considered by many to be the game of the week in the NFL, possibly a Super Bowl preview, this contest features two of the very best defenses in the league. Where they are NOT evenly matched, however, are the offensive lines. The Squealers’ line has surrendered 15 sacks this year, or something like that, and the G’ints? 6. The G’ints are going to hit BigBen early, and often. The Pissburgh D will wear down by the fourth quarter, giving Eli the chance he needs to get his team in scoring range. That will be the difference, and as much as it hurts the Panthers, I’m picking the GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEmen, not just to cover, but to WIN. Like the Panthers and Cards, a loss doesn’t devastate postseason chances for either team, even moreso, given that both teams are 5-1.

SEATTLE @ SAD FRANCISCO
I’m sure most of you remember those INTENSE glaring eyes of Samurai Mike Singletary as he led one of the most fearsome defenses in NFL history. It was an indelible impression, at least on me, that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. The Phoney-Niners after 1999? Can’t remember much. They’ve been pretty much irrelevant in the league for the past ten years. I’m not sure I like the new coaching combination of mad genius Mike Martz and the relative “whippersnapper” Singletary, whose intense glare will have ZERO impact on this outcome. Here’s a clue, Samurai- Hand off the ball early and often to Frank Gore, and “Gore” the hapless SeaDogs, who by the way, have NO HOPE for the postseason, and have made one of the most meteoric and precipitous tumbles from the NFL’s elite in recent memory. They were AWFUL last week in Tampa, and even coming back to the Worst Coast, they will play this game without Hasslebeck, which will doom them. I really hate, hate, hate, HATE LIKE HELL to give the Phoney-Niners any love, and anymore space in this paragraph about this stinker of a game, but I’ll take the home favorite and that fat, huge, corpulent line of 5 points.

CINCINATTAH @ HOUSTON
The Bungles. Uggghchh. Is it possible they could be worse that the Chefs? The Texans may just have the chance to prove it. A win this Sunday gives the Texans a chance at the wildcard. I don’t see how a resurgent Matt Schaub and his improving Texans don’t fling the biscuit all over those hapless Bungles. And he’d better- I’m starting him over Jake Delhomme this week! I will gladly take that minute, tiny sliver of a microscopic line that favours the home Texans by 9 ½ points.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
Playing largely under the radar and well outside of the glare of the Cowpuppies’ impending and inevitable meltdown, at last, the Titans get the nation’s attention on Monday night. The once-mighty Colts have suffered some serious injuries, no longer run the ball; no longer STOP the run, a disastrous combination for a team looking to get back to the postseason. And Tennessee LEADS the NFL in rushing. Uh, oh, Colts fans. I doubt that punctured offensive line for Indy can hold off the relentless Titan rush all night – Peyton won’t be able to do enough for his team against these guys. While it’s said, and annoyingly so sometimes, “to never underestimate the heart of a champion”, this season looks like it will soon be a lost one for the Colts. Gimme the Titan juggernaut and that 4 point spread that’s so small, you need an electron microscope to find it.

There ya go, Fanz- This really feels like a good pickin’ week! It’s startin’ to feel good to be the Cedar Street Seer again!

Last week - 8-5

Season - 38-30

See y’all Sunday.

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