THE MIDSEASON REPORT

November 4th, 2008

Well, FanZ, this MOST ENTERTAINING NFL season has reached it’s halfway point with all of it’s teams having played at least eight games, and now we can start making some rational thoughts as to how the rest of the season unfolds for them. It’s even MORE fun since the traditional NFL powers are having to fight tooth and claw, the Panthers are relevant, and the Cowpuppies are not. Here’s my thoughts, as I’ll now group them by conference, and by record.

AFC DIVISION LEADERS
Tied for first-NEW ENGLANDLAND, NEW YORK BRETTS, BUFFALO (all at 5-3)
Sole possession of first-TENNESSEE (8-0), PISSBURGH (6-2), DENVER (4-4)

What a contest the East has become! The Brets have become legitimate contenders with a convincing victory over the Bills in THEIR HOUSE! The Bills, on the other hand, have completely lost the momentum built in their awesome 4-0 start, which all of a sudden doesn’t look so awesome anymore. The Patsies have gone from jaw-droppingly invincible last year, to simply average this year. It’s likely that one of these teams fails to make the postseason, if not two. All three have games against the MISERABLE NFC WORST, but they also have brutal games against each other, and the regular AFC powers. I think that the Patsies have the toughest one. At the start of the season I had predicted it would be the Pastry-Rots missing the playoffs, and I’m stickin’ with that. The Titans are legit. There is no question in my mind, while they will most likely get beat at some point this season, they will claim home field advantage first in the league. Pissburgh has to fend off the resurgent Ravens, and it’s yet to be seen whether the offense can match their ferocious defense. The line’s done a miserable job of protecting Big Ben, and at this writing, Byron Leftwich has officially replaced him in the lineup. The Broncoids are fading, and could possibly be caught next weekend by the Chargers. If they win their woeful division, it will be by default, and even possibly with a losing record. Their exit from the playoffs will be quick and without drama.

AFC AT OR ABOVE 500
BALTIMORE (5-3), MIAMI, INDIANAPOLIS (both at 4-4)

The Ravens are getting stellar play from their defense, as usual, but better than expected play from their offense- The schedule is half weak, half tough, but their defense can keep them in all of their remaining games. I never thought that The Dull-fins would be this competitive, this quick, although I do wish they weren’t getting so much credit for this “Wildcat” formation that our dearly departed OC Henning unveiled against the Duckies two years ago featuring DeAngelo Williams. There’s a VERY REAL CHANCE that they could challenge the Patsies, BRETTS, and Bills for the division. And if not, they are in prime, prime, prime position to play spoiler for anyone fighting for playoff position this year. Any team with Miami coming up on their schedule this year had BETTER take them seriously from here on out. The Colts just saved their season for now with the CRITICAL victory over NewEnglandLand, but the chance to win the division is LONG gone barring a TOTAL collapse of the Titans. Ain’t gonna happen. If they can play at the level they’ve played at and suffer no further injuries at key positions, they could be in position for a wild card berth, but it will be for a sixth seed, which will entail a TOUGH game against an East or North divisional foe.

AFC LOSING RECORD, BUT HOPE REMAINS-
HOUSTON, CLEVELANDLAND, SAN DIEGO (all at 3-5)

Mathematically, these three still have a chance, but realistically, only San Diego has a shot, because Denver is so ordinary in the moribound AFC Worst. Other than Pissburgh and possibly Tampa, the schedule for the Bolts is pretty soft, and I’m CERTAIN they overtake Denver, possibly even by Week 11. Clevelandland is looking up in the division, and the schedule doesn’t favor them finishing with a winning record. Inserting Quinn Brady at QB right now is definitely high risk/high reward right now. The same challenging schedule looms for Houston, although these two teams could definitely play spoiler late in the season, though.

SEE YA NEXT YEAR- HERE'S YOUR CONSOLATION- THHHPPPPPPHHHHH!!!!!

JACKSONVILLE (3-5), CINCINATTI (1-8), crOAKLAND (2-6), KANSAS CITY (1-7)
Besides the Cowbabies, there is no team that’s a bigger disappointment than the Jag-you-whyers. Losing to the WINLESS Bungles have cemented their hopeless position in this woeful quartet. If you are an NFL team playing for the postseason YOU DO NOT LOSE TO AN 0-8 TEAM!!! Finding out in the middle of the season that you are to abandon all posteason hopes is more crushing than seeing it evaporate by the end of the first quarter, in my opinion. That’s why I’m thinking that Del Rio loses this team in the second half. Tommy the Cable Guy has already lost his Schraiders, but winning ONE game has probably given the Bungles a little spark, and the Chefs are actually putting forth a little effort, almost upsetting the Bucs last weekend (I’m pissed they couldn’t close the deal!) There is no spoiler in this bunch, and the scouting departments are paying more attention to the draft now than anything else.


NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NEW YORK (7-1) CAROLINA (6-2) CHICAGO (5-3) ARID-ZONA (5-3)

While the schedule gets tougher for both the G’ints and Cats, it’s not improbable that both these teams lock up the home field first-round byes. Both feature stout defenses, gutsy gun-slingin’ quarterbacks, Frisbee-catchin’-dawg wide receivers and improving running games. Both are holding off challenges from divisional foes, although Tampa came close to stumbling last week. The second half of the season will find the G’ints playing a bulk of their division games, while the Panthers only have three left. The Panthers also have three games against sub-500 teams, which they should win handily. Arid-Zona is in GREAT shape, putting distance between themselves and the DREADFUL teams in their division. They do have two tough games against Philthydelphia and the Geee-men, but a 10-6 finish is more than realistic. DaBears, however, have probably lost Kyle Orton-‘eers a ‘OO for a month, and if they have to rely on Wrecks-Grossman for that period, it’s possible their postseason hopes have been seriously crippled. Only two divisions in the NFC have likely wildcard participants, and it AIN’T the North or Worst.

NFC AT OR ABOVE 500
WARSHINGTOON (6-2) PHILTHYDELPHIA (5-3), DALLAS (5-4) TAMPA BAY (6-3)
NEW ORLEANS (4-4) ATLANTA (5-3) GREEN BAY, MINI-SODA (both 4-4)

As I said in the previous paragraph above, only NFC East or South teams have realistic chances at a wild card spot, although ALL eight teams have a shot at the division in the second half playoff sweepstakes. Obviously, the DreadSkins and Bucs have the best chance at catching their respective front runners, but the Fleagles and Duckies are very much alive in that race. The Bucs had better get much improved play from their anemic offense, or they will lose critical ground. The Saints are still alive, but are most likely playing spoiler, if not for the wild card. They are simply too hamstrung defensively, and the suspension of several key players looms quite large. The Packers and Vikings, while one game behind Chicago, have got to be liking their chances SO much more upon learning Orton will be gone for at least a month. By that time one of these teams will be leading the division, and the other two reduced to spoiler. I like the Packer’s passing game better, but the Vikings can really run the ball. The NFC North title will be a fun one to follow this season, and may not be final until the last regular season week! The CowGirls are a loss away from complete and utter implosion. Not even the return of Romo The Homo can resuscitate their fast-fading playoff hopes.

NFC ABANDON ALL HOPE
DETROIT (0-8) SEATTLE, SAN FRANCISCO, SAINT LOUIS (all 2-6)

Not a one of these teams could even hope to play spoiler now. Other than the three teams from the Worst division beating up on each other similar to the goobers in the AllTel commercials stumbling around the Chad character (playing the cool and powerful ARIZONA CARDINALS), they are now vehicles for the rest of the league wishing to punch a “W” in that respective column. Like their AFC loser brethren, the scouting departments are looking to the draft. I would like to see Samurai Mike make the PhoneyNiners respectable, but looks like he’s already put himself at a disadvantage by dropping trou in the locker room two weeks ago. Detroit and Saint Looey are fighting, but it’s like the knight in “Monty Python” who continues his futile battle as King Arthur slices and dices him -“what are you going to do, bleed on me!!??”. Indeed.

So, with the league covered for the midseason, dare I sharpen the focus on my clairvoyance gland and foresee the future?

Oh, I wouldn’t be the Cedar Street Seer if I didn’t!

In the AFC’s WildCard Weekend, sixth seeded Ball-Tea-Moore thumps The B*R*E*T*S BRETS BRETS BRETS, and fifth seeded Beefalo gets shocked by the resurgent Chargers. The Chargers succumb to The Squealers, the Raven’s conference championship hopes are “nevermore” when Tennessee stomps them. The ever-boring Titans, playing much like the 2000 Ravens, punch their second Super Bowl ticket, and silence the Squealers.

For the NFC’s WildCard Weekend, the Vikings whoop the sixth seeded Buccaneers, and the fifth seeded Fleagles get plucked by Arid-Zona in the desert. The Viking’s ship is sunk by the Panthers, and Arizona UPSETS the GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEN!!!! A rematch with Carolina goes much like the first meeting, and the Panthers meet the Titans in Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa.

The Panthers win. By a field goal, as the game is played brutally by two dominant defenses. But this team will REFUSE TO LOSE to a Kerry Collins led team. And the NFL media still refuses to give us any love as we will only be featured in two measly primetime games the following season.

There’s your midseason report from the only clairvoyant you may ever know, or ever need to know… ;-)

I’ll have to come back Thursday with my picks as the games start early from here on out…

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