THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES- WEEK 5

October 3rd, 2008

Now I’m hurtin’, yall. 6-7 last week. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I am NOT sucking that bad this week!!! Now I’m really gonna stress that clairvoyance gland! I know you suffered bad in the wallet taking my picks last week, but trust me this one more time to let me get my good graces back… here we go…

INDIANAPOLIS @ HOUSTON
The Texans were OHHHHHHH so close last week, and finally, they’re at home after the Ike disaster. That’s GOTTA count for something, but the Colts are starting to get some valuable pieces back together, particularly, center Jeff Saturday and Dallas Clark. The Colts have seemed discombobulated for the most part of the season, but I’m inclined to think that they, like the team they are going to play, are really close to getting it going. The line is the visitor by 3- I’m leaning to the Colts in this one.

TENNESSEE @ BALL-TEA-MOORE
A titanic clash of the NFL’s mightiest defenses. This could wind up being a 6-9 game. Joey Flacco looked really poised for the most part against the Squealers, and might be prepared mentally to stand tall against another smothering “D”. But I think the Titans have the better offense. I don’t think QB Collins makes the mistakes that characterized his younger days. Another 3 pointer for the visitor, and again, I’m leaning to the Titans in this one.

SAN DIEGO @ MIAMI
Both of these teams got a HUGE boost in their last games. I think Miami’s was bigger, but the Chargers are just better. Miami’s day will come, Tuna will see to that. Just not today. Take the Chargers and the 6 ½.

KC CHEFS @ YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS
I spoke of this game in a rant or two ago- The Panthers have been really good at stopping marquis running backs, and I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t do the same to The Chef’s LJ. The true strength of our defense, the linebackers and secondary, will keep any damage via the passing game to a minimum, and the ‘Cats should be able to puncture the young and inexperienced Chefs “D”. Yeah, I know that Foxy’ll play this one close as always, but they should be pulling away by the fourth quarter. The Panthers are giving 9 ½. I’m confident that they cover. Take the ‘Cats.

WARSHINGTON @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
HUGE Game of the Week in the NFL. Many of us are surprised that the DeadSkins aren’t the train wreck we thought they were after the GEEEEEEE Men slapped ‘em silly in Week 1. The Boids are battered, but they get Brian Westbrook back, and don’t think THAT doesn’t mean something. I think the Fleegulls will win, but as a 5 ½ point dog, I think the FredSkins cover, seeing that the road doesn’t intimidate them. If you’re not watching our beloved Panthers, this would be the game to watch this Sunday.

DaBEARS @ DEE-TROY-IT
DaBears showed a lot of fortitude stopping the Fleeguls last week- The Ly-uns showed they were sick of Matt Millen. It’s a start. Will that fire up the team? Do they respond as professionals? I would think that those guys would like to win- short week for DaBears, spent emotionally and physically from that tough match- It wouldn’t surprise me to see Detroit win- but I don’t think it’s happening. The defense is playing well, and I’ve never seen Orton-‘eers-a-‘OO play better. The Bears are favored by 3 ½, and I’m leanin’ that way.

DUCKIES @ GREEN BAY
At this time the line is off the board. The Duckies have played great at home, on the artificial turf, and crappy on the road, where they played on natural grass, open air stadiums. Expect the trend to continue up in Wish-conshun. Never, EVER- underestimate the POWER OF TUNDRA. I like the Packers.

SEATTLE @ GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEN
So, the Seadogz are getting some of their wideouts back. Super. And Mike Holmgren says that Keary Colbert is as good as Jerry Rice – Insert your laugh track here- The G’ints have been off for a week, and even without Plaxico, I think they are more than a match for them. They’ll hold off those Jerry Rice-like receivers all right. Take the GEEEEEEEEEEEmen and the 7 points.

TAMPA BAY @ DENVER
Ok, this game could go either way. Yeah, yeah, the Bucs are playin’ some good ball, and playin’ some good “D”. They’ve probably studied the game tape from Kansas City, but somethin’s tellin’ me that Mile-High air will be tough for them Tampainaians to play through. Although there’s no Hockker Hoculi to help them Broncoids, they’re awful tough at home. They’ll be scored on by the Bucs, but I feel pretty good about the Denver offense at home. I like the Broncoids by 3.

NEWENGLANDLAND @ SAD FRANCISCO
Hard to believe that Dr. Evilchek at 2-1 has his back against the wall, but he does. The Beefalo Beels are gonna be tough to catch, and with Jacksonville and Ball-tea-moore playing like they are, the wild card may already be out of reach. The Patsies are going to have to put together a winning streak to get the stink of the whitewashing they took from the Dull-phins off of them. They won’t do it with offense this week- it will have to be the defense. The Niners will be game, but I’m leaning to the visitor in this one. Take the Patsies and the 3 points.

BEEFALO @ ARID-ZONA
Vegas must think the Bills are a mirage. The MIGHTY Cardy-noles are actually favored by ONE! They must think those perpetually frostbitten Beefalonians will wilt in the desert. I don’t think so. Take the Beels to win!

CINCINATTAH @ THAT PLACE WITH THE DAMN HOLE IN THE ROOF
Well, I said that the Cowpuppies were due for a stinker- I didn’t know that it would be LAST week! If the Pups struggle against THIS team, WITHOUT Carson Palmer, there is definitely more to this TO thing than’s let on. Ain’t happenin’. No way, No how. Those 17 points the Cowpatties are favored by are a mercy killin’. Lead pipe lock. Blowout. Bungles are done on this day.

PISSBURGH @ JACKSONVILLE
No Willie Parker, no Mendenhall, key O lineman out, no pass protection for Big Ben- Big wreck for the Squealers. Oh, there’ll be hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and when that hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting is done- those 4 points that the Jag-you-whyers are favoured by might as well be multiplied by 4. I think the Jags are gonna wear the Squealers out.

MINNI-SODA @ NAWLIN’S
Two dome teams with a contentious history. Saints “O” is playin’ great, Vike’s “D” is playin’ great. Somethin’s gotta give. Somethin’ tells me AP is gonna be hard for these guys to stop. I like the road dog in this one. Take the Vikings and the 3 points.

I’m feelin’ good about this week, boyz and girlz- cause it sure can’t get worse-
Last week- ECCCCHHHH! 6-7
Season BLECCCHHH 15-13

See yers in the lot!