01 November, 2011


(to be sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain…)

Ohhh, My Cats would not be beaten,
We’d be undefeated,
The league would praise our name….

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, my fists I’d be pumpin,
While the asses we’d be thumpin’-
If we only had the game…

Whether kickin’ or returnin’ –
The yards we’re just not earnin’ –
It fills me full of pain –

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Either Edwards or Pilares,
They are both just like Molasses,
Ohhh, if we only had the game…

Oh, iiiit’s – a major deal –
To start play at midfield,
I could hand ‘em off to De or Stew,
And then I’d throw,
And score some more!

I’m so tired of the losin’
Our pride that’s just a’ brusin’,
And I know just who’s to blame…

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, the games we’d be winnin,
And ol’ Coach would just be grinnin’


We only had the game………………


And as our beloved quarterback finishes his number, and finally makes it to see the Wizard, I can see the
Most famous Ozian contemplating Cam’s lament-

“Sooooo, my mega-talented squire from Carolina, I see you want some special teams! Why, you’ve got no less special teams than anyone else! The Packers to the Rams all run the same plays, but they’ve got no more roster than you do, my friend! But they’ve got something you don’t –
And so, by virtue of your heart and your desire, I give you –
The 2012 Draft!

Now, my dear Mr. Newton, just click your cleats together, close your eyes, and say, “To Canton I go, To Canton I go, To Canton I go…””

Like many of you this past Sunday, I was stunned by the end of our contest with the Vikings. It was a game I was sure were destined to win. While the defense could have played better, I didn’t feel they were the main reason we failed. I’m appalled at the ineptitude of our special teams. Now, I realize that many of those guys that would be ordinarily playing those positions are now starting at linebacker or corner by necessity, but DAMMIT!!! Our failure to move the ball any further than ten yards on any given return hamstrings this dynamic but young offense! Our failure to cover returns by our opponent hamstrings an already handicapped defense! It’s time to put an end to the Armanti Edwards as punt returner notion. It’s as effective as getting a sumo wrassler to dance in “Swan Lake”. Pilares at kickoff returner is a band-aid, I know that, he knows that. There’s no better option, and Coach knows that too. And I’m of the thought that there’s little chance of getting that worked out in the bye week ahead.

It’s a sad state of affairs, friends, but that’s reality. And it will be the issue keeping us down for the remainder of the season. And he won’t say it, but I’m sure Cam and Chudz would like to start far more possessions out of the shadow of the goalposts!

I spent the past day or two psyching myself to prepare a suitable rant. I’m in no mood to pound out all of the positives and the rosy outlook, and the moral victory. It’s just not there for me today, and it’s not there for me this week. I want wins. You want wins. The team DEFINITELY wants wins. It’s maddening to be so close, week after week, and to have it whisked away like the lustful are punished in Cervante’s book “THE DIVINE COMEDY”. Perhaps you think I should feel better because the Saints got their a$$ whooped by the winless Lambs. Or that the Cowbabies got pummeled by the dysfunctional Feeguls. Or that the Chargers fumbled away certain victory to a resurgent Kansas Shitty team. We’re not the worst team in the league anymore, and that’s a small comfort.


A loss is a loss. In the end, all of the positives don’t wipe it off your record. It sucks to lose. I’ll feel better later, I’m sure. A tough sleepless night makes for a miserable evening, but the sun rises the next day.

I just hate that sunrise, as the Wizard tells Cam, is the 2012 draft. But like Christmas, it always gets here.

The waiting is the hardest part.

And like I wrote in the preseason, Coach Rivera hasn’t gotten to get HIS groceries yet, and is still largely fixin’ dinner with what Foxy left in the pantry. But his trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is coming. And I know there’s gonna be a big sack of special teams in that shopping cart –

And we’re halfway there.

I’m done. Five days til surgery, and IR for me…

I’ll be back before then with the picks and the half-way report.

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