THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9

Well, Fanz, the negative karma continues to fall upon me. A second consecutive week of 5-8 has got me bumfuzzled. Come on, did you think the Chefs would beat the Bolts? Did you think the Iggles would totally emasculate the Cowboys? Did you think that Arid-Zona would push the Ravens to the brink? I think I need some prolonged Yoda time to get my whole yin and yang and feung chi thing figgered out. But even with the Panthers on a bye this week, I still love this game, love this league, and I’m ready to pontificate on my prognostication like the dedicated dude that I am.

Here we go –

ATLANTA @ INDIANAPOLIS

Sad to see, kindof, this once proud franchise playing out the string at 0-8, with NO CHANCE of even a winning season. Another major coaching job awaits both sides, for Mike White, selling his Duckies that this decapitated team can actually beat them, and for Jim Caldwell, the hope that they can actually do the same. Ohhhh, how I’d LOVE to see the Duckies be the first team to lose to the Colts, really I do, but I’m looking at the line, giving a MEAGER -7 points to Atlanta. If they don’t whomp ‘em by more than that, there’s serious trouble in Duckieville.

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS

Now, this game has got me spooked. Which Saints team is showing up on Sunday? The team that blasted the Colts to atoms two weeks ago, or the first team to LOSE to the winless LAMBS last week? The Sucky-neers are rested from their bye, and will likely give their division rivals their best shot. If Freeman can keep from turning the ball over, they’ve got a chance. The Saints are an -8 point favorite at home , but after last week, I’m not touchin’ that. Gimme Tampa and the +8.

CLEVELANDLAND @ HOUSTON

I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Damnit. Texans and -11.

NY JETS @ BUFFALO

All the Bills have to do is run the ball, run the ball, run the ball. Keep the pass plays to a minimum, and they can win a low-scoring game against a team that IS scary on defense, and listless on offense. I like the Bills and the -2 points.

MIAMI @ KANSAS CITY

If you beat the division leaders and move into a tie for first place, you’ve earned the right NOT to be called Kansas Shitty in my weekly blog. Way to go, Chiefs! Now, don’t blow it on a trap game that this could very well be. I haven’t taken the resurgent Chiefs all year. Maybe it’s time I start. Show me sumpfin’, KC – take out the hapless Dullphins on Sunday by the -4 you’re favoured by!

SAN FRANCISCO @ WARSHINGTOON

It gets bad and it gets worse for the Deadskins. Buffalo and Carolina have provided excellent game film on how to overcome this defense. I can see an early exodus from Danny Snyder’s FedEx Field. Take the Niners and the -3 ½ points.

SEATTLE @ DALLAS

The Cowboys are going to have to take their frustrations out on someone – and it sucks for the injury-riddled Seadogs to have to be the one. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game, and they’ve got the personnel to make it happen. By -11 ½ points. At least.

DENVER @ OAKLAND

With two weeks to get into Hue Jackson’s offense, Carson Palmer should be able to manage his new Raiders over the moribund Broncoids, who really, REALLY need to start Brady Quinn – he just CAN’T be any worse that Timmy Terrible – If he has another five turnovers against that rabid Raider defense, how does Foxy not pull the plug on this putrid, failed experiment? And Carson now has his former favorite target to toss touches to, one T.J. Houshmanzada. Take the Raiders and the -8 points.


CINCINNATI @ TENNESSEE

I don’t get this line – a team that can’t run the ball, all of a sudden can’t pass the ball, FAVOURED by 3 over a team that’s among the league leaders in defense? I ain’t buyin’ it, folks. Gimme the BENGALS, yes, the BENGALS and the +3!!!


ST. LOUIS @ ARID-ZONA

Johnny Skelton starts at QB for the Cardy-noles against a previously WINLESS, LIFELESS Rams team that PUNKED the division leading Saints last week. My last memory of Johnny Skelton is the LOSS he suffered to the league WORST Cackalacky Punthers last season to close the book on John Fox’ tenure here in Charlotte. I’m gettin’ a similar vibe here. Wrong team favoured. I like the Lambs to become RAMS, for one week, at least. Steven Jackson leads the ball control small ball offense and gets his team a second consecutive win.

NY GIANTS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

When Eli Manning tells the press he’s in the same league as Tommy Touchdown, some were irked. I dunno, folks, when you beat a team on the precipice of perfection in the biggest game of the season, I firmly believe you’ve backed yourself up. Take a bow, Eli. There’s no E-L-I-T-E without E-L-I. You and your Giants have fun against that underachieving Pastry-Rot defense. Invent some bulletin board material, Tom, and get fired up about slingin’ bullets against this injury riddled Giants defense! I like the Giants to cover that insane +9 points Vegas has so gifted them, in a terribly exciting, high scoring afternoon game.

GREEN BAY @ SAN DIEGO

Some time, some game, THIS SEASON, someone is going to beat the Packers. Not this team, not this weekend. After last Monday night, the oddsmakers are favouring the CHARGERS???!!! They think they know something. They don’t know what the Cedar Street Seer does. Take the Packers, not only to cover, but to WIN.

BALTY-MOORE @ PISSBURGH

Think the Squeelers don’t remember the seven-turnover debacle of the season opener? Revenge, especially for THIS team, is a strong motivating factor. Jerome Harrison will be back at OLB and he’ll be looking to inflict some pain on a suddenly tentative and vulnerable Ravens offense. Rivalry game, yes. The Ravens defense will hit hard. The Squeelers will hit harder. Much as I hate to say it, Ravens Nest #1, you’re in for a disappointing afternoon. Men of Squeel in a blowout.

CHICAGO @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

I was definitely wrong about the Iggles last week, and I’m not gonna be wrong again. I continue to beat the “Bears Still Suck” drum until I’m proven right this season. 7’s a lot of points to get at home, but this Bears defense is largely rated on impression only. Peppers won’t catch Vick, and like most of this season, won’t be a factor. I like the Iggles and the -7.

There you go, Fanz. My opportunity to escape the shame of two consecutive weeks of underperformance. May it be for you also. Enjoy the games, and hopefully I get the half-way report posted this evening.

Last week – 5-8
Season – 62-50

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