THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES -WEEK 10

Welcome to Week 10, Fanz, and Day 3 of my recuperation from biceps surgery. I’m going to attempt the weekly handicap with one hand hovering over the keyboard, which I can tell you, is a major pain in the a$$! Precursory to my surgery, I had yet another miserable week of forecasting. Can it get worse?

Since I have not been implicated in any scandals, I, in the words of the The Head PantherfanzCoach, retain this job of Editor-in-Chief until I pass the earthly bounds. So here is your Paterno-free commentary and prognostication for the weekend ahead. Starting with tonight.

And as I am one-handing this, I will make a SIGNIFIGANT attempt to keep each capsule brief.

OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO

This game should have more juice than it does, and I must say that the performance of the top three teams in the division has been disappointing at the least. All the Raiders had to do last week was to beat a MISERABLE Broncoids team! If Rivers doesn’t toss a pair of pick-sixes, the Packers lose their first game of the season! So, as with much of the contests this weekend, I find it hard to handicap this matchup. Both squads are turning the ball over in alarming amounts, and both squads are dealing with injuries and personnel changes. And, BOTH teams have FAILED to cover the spread for the past few weeks. Time for a team to make a stand, but it won’t be this week. In a game filled with mistakes and error-prone play, I, with much hesitation, predict the Raiders cover the +7 on the road.

PISSBURGH @ CINCINNATI

This weekend also features many intriguing divisional showdowns. This is the first. The Bengals are a different team this year, and so are the Squeelers. Embarrassed at home last Sunday night, The Men of Squeel have shown their vulnerability to the league on the national stage. If the Ravens’ sputtering offense could get well against THIS defense, I’m thinking the efficient Bungles could do the same. That porous o-line of Pissburgh had best keep Worthlessberger’s jersey clean or it‘s TWO “L’s” for the SqueelBoys. Wrong team favored- Take the Bungles and the +3.

DENVER @ KANSAS SHITTY

When you lose to the previously winless Phish AT HOME when you’ve got the division lead IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, you once again become Kansas Shitty. I refuse to succumb to Te-BLOW mania, and I refuse to acknowledge him as an NFL QB. If the Chefs can respond the way they did against the Chargers two weeks ago, they’ll win handily. Reluctantly, I lean to the Chefs and the -3.

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS

Uggh.

You know, at some point, Dolts GM Bill Polian has GOT to take some heat for UTTERLY FAILING to prepare his putrid team, or having a legitimate contingency in place, for the absence of Peyton Manning. They have been terrible in ALL phases of the game. This is their ONE CHANCE at salving the home fans pride just the tiniest bit with a “W” over the miserable Jagy-Whyers. I’m callin’ it. Dolts not just to cover, but to WIN! Hell, Miami and Sad Looey got off the shnide the past couple of weeks, it’s time for the Dolts.

BUFFALO @ DALLAS

For both teams, a critical crossroads game. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game just to stay relevant in the conference, the Bills need to keep pace with not just the Pastry-Rots, but now, the Jets, by virtue of their convincing win last week at RW. The Cowboys' offense STILL hasn’t found its gear, and last week was a great opportunity for it to do so against a struggling Seadogs team. The Bills self-destructed against a determined Jets defense, and Dallas’ is just about as good. I think this will be a low scoring, hard hitting game, one which I think the Bills will cover. Bills and the +5 ½.

HOUSTON @ TAMPA BAY

The Texans have a chance to separate themselves with a win this Sunday over the reeling Sucky-neers. If they can continue their potent rushing attack against a punchless defense, they’ll get it. Newly acquired blob of humanity Albert Hanesworth will NOT make a difference for Tampa. Texans by -3.

TENNESSEE @ CAROLINA

It’s hard to gauge how a Ron Rivera coached team performs after a bye- we’ve never seen one! Reports are the team practiced well, and they’ll need to be laser-focused on Chris Johnson. It seems that every elite RB gets well on one of the league’s worst run defenses, but conversely, every team in the league has been getting gashed by the Cam-a-lots! Just like every game we’ve played this year, our opponents will get their yards, but so will we. We will just get more. Panthers by -3.

WARSHINGTOON @ MIAMI

I’m not fooled by that 3-5 record. The DeadSkins are a team that are plummeting, and void of talent, and may actually begin to morph into a “Suck for Luck” team. Incredible as it seems, this stinking Phish actually has a chance to put a bad team away at home. No team has made more personnel moves this week than the DeadSkins, and it won’t help. It won’t be on the Broncoids bad level, but it will be bad enough, this time, with a different result. Phish by -3 ½.

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA

I’ve been paying close attention to this rivalry for close to 25 years, and my white-hot hatred for the Duckies hasn’t changed, although the cast of characters has. The Saints have had recent successes over Atlanta, and I don’t see that changing now. The Duckies have gotten fat on bad teams, let’s see how they do against a GOOD one! I think Brees & co. will carve up that porous Duckie D, and win convincingly. Games’ a pick ‘em, and you already know what I think.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO

I’m not ready to say the Bears don’t suck. But this game will go far in either extending my derisive view, or shutting my mouth. The Jekyll-Hyde Iggles aren’t a good gauge, this Leos team is. I expect that nasty Suh-led defense to rankle Cutler all afternoon. Like I have been all year, folks, I’m on the Lions.

SAD LOOEY @ CLEVELANDLAND

Double uggh.

A game only a Dawg-pounder could love. ‘Cause I sure can’t. The Lambs are far more banged-up, and most reluctantly, I lean to the Browns, who’ve done a piss-poor job of covering all year.

ARID-ZONA @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Can the maelstrom of negative karma swirling around the state Billy Penn founded continue to swirl around the Iggles this week? If Vick continues to turn the ball over, it just may. On paper, the Boids, should tear the Cardy-noles eleven new buttholes, but I’ve said this Philthy team is one of the NFL’s biggest paper tigers this year. But Arid-zona is BAD. Dull-Phins bad. Line is off, but if Philthy doesn’t win this one, Andy Reid will be finding a spot on the NFL Network sooner than he thinks. I’m takin’ the Iggles.

SEATTLE @ BALTY-MOORE

Remember what happened last time Seattle came east to play a highly regarded team? Fans of the Ravens had better hope Johnny Harbaugh does! They need to bring the same intensity they brought to the Squeelers game last week, and not the lackadaisical effort we saw against Jacksonville and Arid-Zona. I’m of the belief that those games were mirages, and the Quothers will get the job done. And Ed Reed needs to get him a pick-six. Quothers and 6 ½.

NY GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO

It’s been DECADES since the Niners have been relevant, but they are a game away from clinching their first playoff spot since early in the LAST decade. They will, but not in this game. You have to walk before you can run, and the GEEEEE Men are the highest caliber team the Niners will have faced this season. I like the Giants to cover in an exciting, hard fought game. If taking down the Pastry-Rots at Foxboro was possible, puncturing the Niners at The Stick is certainly doable.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ NY JETS

And speaking of those Pastry-Rots, a HUGE prime-time matchup awaits them against arch nemesis Sexy Rexy and his J*E*T*S. This is the kind of game Cheat-a-chek usually wins, although the once formidable New Englandgland Machine has been clanking a bit. I’m not convinced of the Jets’ return to power yet. Wrong team favoured in this one. I’m on the Pastry-Rots.

MINI-SODA @ GREEN BAY

The Packers are going to lose at least ONCE this season. Just not this Monday night. No matter how well the improving Ponder plays, and how many yards Peterson piles up, Rodgers & co. will pile up more. MUCH more. Pack by 13 ½.


I want to tell you, this particular rodeo for this keyboard cowboy was particularly rough. What usually takes 45 minutes tops has taken over 3 hours. Gee, I love my job…

Last week – 6-8
Season – 68-58

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