THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 8

It’s late, Fanz, but I’m begrudgingly returning to the scene of the disaster that was last weekend’s picks. I was sure that I wouldn’t be doing any sister kissing, but I never thought I would be going THE OTHER WAY!

UGGGGH.

Well, I’m giving myself one more chance to get this right as Foxy is giving Jokey one more pokey at a Winnie.

Here we go.

DENVER @ BALTY-MOORE
One of the really good games of the week, the Broncoids have finally made a believer in me, weeks ahead of the rest of the nation. They’re a really good story to somewhat take your mind off of whatever gar-bage that’s taken the cheer out of you. The Ravens have actually been STRONGER OFFENSIVELY than defensively, and that’s astonishing to this fan of the league. Joey Flacco has become a bonafide budding star, and valuable fantasy player! I think this will be a tale of two halves – The first half, a body bag contest as the defenses pound at each other, the second, a shootout. I like Kyle Orton and what McDaniels does with the Broncoid offense as of late, but I’m leaning to the home Quothers, because of the consistent performance of THEIR offense. Expect the Ravens to cover the – 3 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ CHICAGO

Da Bears really, really piss me off. That team had no business losing as badly as it had to the Bungles last week, and like Carolina, really needed their Week 8 game to keep pace and get back in the pack. No such luck. With the Vikings in command of the Norris Division with the Packers right behind, the Bears cannot afford to fall further back. This SHOULD be a get well game for the Midway Muddlers, and I think Cutler & co. are good enough to dispatch a really BAD Brownies team in the comfy confines of Soldier Field. Even by +13.

HOUSTON @ BUFFALO
How Buffalo can be so grossly outgained in yardage, and STILL pull off two consecutive teams that are STATISTICALLY better than they are can be summed up in one word – Turnovers. They are collecting them at the most opportune times, and they have a chance to return to respectability with a tilt against the not-yet-arrived Texans. Houston surprised me last week by going Dr. Jeckyll, so I say they go Hyde this week. Bills to cover the 3 ½.

MINI-SODA @ GREEN BAY

Act II of the Drama Bowl series finds the “prodigal Favre” coming to the home of his greatest achievements. The Squeeler defense showed the way to blunt the Viking attack, but Green Bay does not have the talent that Pissburgh does. I know the revenge angle factors hugely, but games are not won and lost by this emotion. It’s all about execution, and I believe Mini-Soda’s defense will control the game. Wrong team favoured – Vikings by +3.

SAN FRANCISCO @ INDIANAPOLIS

So far this year, I haven’t seen a team short of Pissburgh, Balty-Moore or Mini-Soda that I think could stop Peyton Manning and his Colts. I’ve seen San Francisco. They ain’t it. And Indy gets headhunter Bob Sanders back at safety this week. Uh oh. Ordinarily, I would take the underdog with a 12 point spread, but the Sanders issue convinces me. Colts to cover, and win big, one more time.

MIAMI @ NY JETS

Without run-stuffer Kris Jenkins in the middle, the Jets are a different team defensively. Miami is one of the very best teams in the league in executing the run. It’s an offensive game plan that travels well, and Miami’s already beaten these guys this season. Offensively the Jets are hamstrung without Jericho Cotchery and Leon Washington, so I like Miami in what will probably be another highly entertaining game by +3.

SAD LOOEY @ DETROIT

Ugh. To have to watch this game. Precious if you’re a Lions fan, because this give you a great chance to punch a “W”. Precious if you’re a Lambs fan, because this may be the ONLY chance this season to punch a “W”. Stafford and Calvin Johnson could be available for this game, and will make a difference if they play. Vegas doesn’t like this game either, because the line is off as of this very late writing. I lean to the Leos at home.

SEATTLE @ DALLAS

Well, well, history came out correctly last week with Comrade Cowboy overcoming the Falkkon Reich. The Duckies are a great team to get your mojo back on, and it looks like the Seadogs have gotten their one good game for the season over and done with. Dallas have found their #1 receiver to go with their effective ground game, so I’d anticipate a long day for those Northwestern vistors to the Jones Mahal.
The line is at 9 1/2, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see this game go to the double digits. Go ahead, take the Cowpuppies. Possibly the lock of the week.

CrOAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO

I am not taking the AfRaiders again this season. Not happening. Not at any point spread. I am now convinced the win over the Iggles was a pure and simply karmatic anomaly. This is a bad, bad team, and the Chargers need this win big time. The 16 ½’s a LOT of points, but I stand by my vow. Bolts, Blots, Bolts.

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE

If Vince Young was in any shape to be a starter in this league, he would have never lost his job to Kerry Freakin’ Collins, who’s days as a starter in the NFL should be about the same length as that of Joke Delhomme. It’s a good story if he can redeem himself, but it ends badly for the Titans on this game. Wrong team favoured in this game – Jacksonville’s playing so much better than anyone had expected them to. Jaggywhyers by +3.

CAROLINA @ ARID-ZONA
I suppose we as Panther fans can hitch our hopes to an over-confident team that’s beaten an overrated Giants team, the fact that this is Delhomme’s last chance to exorcise the Cardy-nole demons visited upon him earlier this year in the ever-painful divisional playoff debacle here at home. Another breakout game by Stewilliams, AND Steve Smith.

Dream on.

Forget that we owe this team something, Arid-zona is playing far more consistently than last year, and they’ve found not only their offensive footing, but their defensive footing. If we’ve struggled against mediocre and bad teams, can you picture the result against a GOOD team? Not a good afternoon to be a Panther fan and sitting with your pals gnashing your teeth in front of the TV. No question, Cardy-noles by double digits.

NY GEEEEEEMEN @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

Something’s missing in the GeeeeMen this season – the defense isn’t as dominating as they once were, the rushing attack isn’t as effective, and rushers are starting to get to Brotha Manning. The Fleeguls blitz more than any other team in the league short of Pissburgh. The Iggles are back to what they want to be after that aberration in CrOakland. It’s a pick ‘em at this point, and I think you’d do well to pick Philthydelphia. Plus there’s that baseball game being played in Liberty Town… Against a New York team… Karma? You betcha…

DALLAS @ LA LAKERS

Uh oh, wrong sport.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS

For years, the Saints/Falcons game was the most important on the schedule for me. And I’m thrilled this game has once again acquired some significant juice. The media just LOVES the darling Duckies and their cuddly quarterback. The rest of us who matter are pulling for the menchen that is Drew Brees. Dallas exposed the wretched Duckie secondary – hell, even the Panthers riddled it. Michael Turner looks like he’s running in mud, and I think the Saints will bomb and bomb and bomb the Duckies back to the middle of the NFL pack by the end of the evening on Monday. How much respect does Vegas give the Duckies? Not much. It’s an unfathomable 10 points, and I’m laying all of the lumber on the Mighty Saints.

Here goes my last chance – Have a great All Saints Day!

Last week – 4-9
Season – 52-50

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