THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 7

The closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister is my hot, cougary- Aunt Rachel who is quite kissable.

Pucker up, Rach!

Ok, now that I’ve adequately creeped myself out, I won’t belabor the fact that I went 7-7 last week, but come on! Did you see the SchRaiders dumpin’ the Iggles? What about the Bayou Beatdown of the GEEEEEMen? Seadogs jumpin’ the shark to the Cardy-noles? Yeah, I didn’t either.

So here’s the weekly handicap, presented to you by your incestuous Cedar Street non-Seer.

SAD DIEGO @ KANSAS CITY
It seems pretty apparent that the once-mighty Charger defense is in decline, and when Shawne Merriman isn’t saving hot drunk girls from their savage outbursts, he’s no longer a difference maker on the field. But Phillip Rivers and his playmakers still get it done. Chefs will make it a game, but this is one the Blue Bolt Boys have just gotta have. Take the Chargers and the 4 1/2 in a surprisingly entertaining shootout.

INDIANAPOLIS @ SAD LOOEY
I was wrong about the perfect illustration of the divide between haves and aint got S**T in the NFL last week when I honoured the Iggle/SchRaider game with that adjective. It’s this one. Older Brotha Manning AINT McSnabb, and these Colts are gonna finish the Ewes early. Indy by 13 EASY.

CHICAGO @ CINCINATTI
Sometimes ONE player makes a tremendous difference on a team, and for Cincinatti, it’s Dlineman Antawn Odom, lost for the season, that helped lead these Bungles to a respectable 4-1 start. No more, baby. And Chicago’s one player, Brian Urlacher, has not hurt them as badly with his early trip to IR. The Bears are pissed coming in after blowing not one, but TWO goal line drives to the Duckies. Without their platinum pass rusher to harass Jay Cutler, I think Da Bears have their way with their feline opponents. Bears Big over Bungles.

GREEN BAY @ CLEVELANDLAND

Nice shutout of the Leos last week, Packers. Now they get a chance to do the same to another NFL bottomfeeder. But what’s with the wimpy line, Vegas? ONLY 7 ½ ? Come on, man! This is Aaron Rodgers and his Frisbee Catchin’ Dogs! Packers by double digits, but D. Driver, Jennings and Co? Don’t jump into the Dawg Pound…

MINI-SODA @ PISSBURGH
Here’s a game fans are salivating over. Some are predicting a shootout, but I think this is going to be a body bag game for the defenses. If the Raven’s couldn’t make Favre say OWWW! Last week, I guarantee the Squeelers will. And they Vikings have something for Awfulsberger, too. If he doesn’t get a quicker release of the ball, they will have to bring out a stretcher to carry him off of Heinz Field. I’m going to give the edge to the better offensive line. Wrong team favoured here. Although BOTH QB’s might get knocked out of this game, Vikings prevail, if not cover the +4.

NEW ENGLANDLAND vs. TAMPA BAY @ LONDON, ENGLANDLAND

Here’s the showcase game of the year for those who’s mission it is to export a purely AMERICAN game internationally. And the Brits just eat it up. Too bad they’re not conneseuirs of the game, or they’d send this one back to Roger Goodell. The Suckaneers are truly BAD this year, and the Pastry-Rots are starting to click. This one will be over before the half. NewEnglandland BIG, REAL BIG. Possibly as big as last weeks erasure of the Teeny-Tinies.

SAN FRANCISCO @ HOUSTON
This is Houston’s Mr. Hyde Week. Niners by +3. And Samurai’s boys are nice and rested after the bye.

NY JETS @ CrOAKLAND
Ohhhh, boy, this game all of a sudden looks far harder to call than it looked like last week. If you told me that the J*E*T*S would gash Beefalo for over 3 bills on the ground, AND LOSE, I would have given you the number of a really good therapist. But lo and behold, it came to pass. Five turnovers will make that happen. I’m not sure a long trip out West helps them out, and for one week, Oakland Stadium really DID become a Black Hole. Winning can become contagious just as losing can be. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’m actually encouraging y’all to take the AfRaiders and the +6 points. HEEEESH!

BUFFALO @ CAROLINA
Last week, the Panthers took a team on a one-game winning streak to a really bad team’s field who were near the very bottom of league standings against the run. We all relished the result. Buffalo’s WORSE against the run. If Joke Delhomme doesn’t turn the ball over, the results are duplicated, and the ‘Cats win streak goes to 3 before the Big Boy Schedule comes around. Rejoice in the .500 record this week, Panther FanZ! It could be the last time this season. The line is off, but take the Panthers. It’s Canadian Week, and they are obliged to punch a “W”.

NEW ORLEANS @ MIAMI
If there was ever a time for the Saints to have a “dud” game it would be here. The Dolphins are out of conference for them, and are playing pretty good ball, particularly in the rushing attack. A nice, warm , humid Miami afternoon is not an environment-controlled afternoon in the SuperDome. The Saints won’t carbon-copy last week’s beatdown of the Mighty GEEEEEMen. Take the Dolphins to cover the +6 ½.

ATLANTA @ DALLAS
For me, the equivalent of choosing Stalin over Hitler. The Cowboyskis really do have a game that rushes through defenses like a T-34 with the governor off. Meanwhile, Das Falkonnes scream onto opponents like a JU-87 Stuka with Matthias Ryann firing hi-velocity Flakveriling 88 shots down the field to his Stormtroopers. This WILL be the shootout of the day. The team turning the ball over will defeated like the Wermacht at the Battle of Kursk. Uh, oh, Comrade Anton Romoskavitch. You turn the ball over too much. Hitler and his Falkonnes by +4. But I’ll be pulling for Comrade Cowboys.

ARID-ZONA @ NY GEEEEEMEN
Ok, know what? Superman and the Super Friends couldn’t beat the Saints last week. The Cardy-noles are statistically terrible coming east . I’m inclined to believe the G’ints recover from last week’s disappointment and throttle the invaders from the Arid State. GeeMen and -7.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ WARSHINGTOON
Hey PantherFanz-

Who would you rather be?

I thought so. Just like a train wreck, this is a Monday night game that will be hard to take your eyes off of. Nothing pretty here. The Iggles looked awful in a loss to the SchRaiders, and to be honest, they usually have at least a couple of clunkers every season. Last year, they had a chance to clinch a playoff spot against the struggling DeadSkins and failed, and badly. Meanwhile, Jim Zorn is a dead man walking for Warshingtoon. With his team rapidly imploding, and enmasculated by his GM, this is a team that may not win another game. I think the Iggles win in this one, and big. By at least the -7 points.

I think Aunt Rachel will be safe after this week.

Last week – 7-7
Season – 48-41

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