THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 6

A happy weekend to you all, the week after “Blowout Week” in the NFL. And I feel like I got blown out going 6-7. I forgot to handicap the Jets/Dolphins game, which would have gone Miami anyway, but that would have put me at a sister-kissin’ 7-7.

Wretched. Absolutely wretched. And the week of beatdowns continues, with more lopsided matchups and bottom feeders versus bottom feeders. At least Monday Night looks really appealing. As my failing gall bladder writhes my gut, I want to get this over with. Let rip into it, SHALL WE???

HOUSTON @ CINCINNATI
Can the Bungles live with prosperity? At 4-1, and leading the division, they can keep Pissburgh and Balty-Moore at arms’ length with a win over the Jekyll and Hyde Texans. I’m not convinced Cincy’s for real yet, and it’s Dr Jekyll’s turn for the Texans this week. Texans to cover the +5.

KANSAS CITY @ WARSHINGTOON
I’m incredulous over the 6 ½ points being laid here. Come on, the DeadSkins are terrible wherever they play! The Chefs made a game of it against the Cowpuppies last week, and this is another chance for the team to garner just a little respect. The FredSkins are imploding, and I think the Chefs are game once more. Gimme the Chefs and the -6 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ PISSBURGH.
Come on, man. Squeelers and any number you like over -14. And Polomalu comes back next week. Uh oh.

BALTY-MOORE @ MINI-SODA
This is the game to keep your eye on if the Panthers/Suckaneers game gets really ugly. The Ravens ended their last two games in agonizing fashion when victory was in their grasp, the first by an offensive collapse, the second on a defensive blunder by none other than Ray-Ray Lewis. They are NOT losing three games in a row. This will be a serious body-bag game dominated by the best defenses in the league. This is where Brett Favre says “ow”.
Let me try that again –

This is the game where Brett Favre says “OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”
Ed Reed makes a play that wins the day for the Ravens. Ravens to cover the -3, and to WIN!

SAD LOUIS @ JACKSONVILLE
The second consecutive blackout for the North Florida viewing market. I don’t blame them. Look, Jacksonvillians, it’s a blessing. Jags by double digits.

NY GEEEMEN @ NEW ORLEANS
I’m sorry, I’m not feeling the “big game” here. This is a big statement game for The Saints, and I’m not sure they’re ready. They rarely are in this type of matchup. The G’ints are ALWAYS ready for this kind of game, and I think Brotha Manning and his Frisbee Catchin’ PUPPIES will be unstoppable, even in the StuporDome. Saints will get their points, but not enough to overcome the GEEEEMen. Wrong team favoured – Take the Giants STRAIGHT UP to win!

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY
I recall a game in 2004 when the Panthers were 1-7, and looking at imploding, losing to the woeful Phoney-Niners 0-17 at the half. Then something happened. They went on a tear, and rallied to win this game, and the next 7. While I’m not sayin’ this year is the same,
I’m just sayin’.
Perhaps the rally started last week.
If the illusion of a rejuvenated defense becomes reality, and they manage to keep the mobilie Suckaneer QB Josh-Josh in check, this could be a game where many facets of the Panthers game begins to get well.
‘Cats by -3 ½.

DETROIT @ GREEN BAY
I know it’s of little solace to Leos Fans, but you guys are no longer the worst team in the NFL! Other than the blowout at Soldier Field, the Leos have been quite competitive! The Packer offensive line has been a wreck lately, exemplified by the shameful stat of Rodger’s sack rate – worst in the league. Leos make a game of this. Packers will no doubt win, but Leos cover the + 13 ½.

PHILTYDELPHIA @ CrOAKLAND
There is no game that better illustrates the haves-and-have-nots in this league than this one. The Iggles are a team that’s going somewhere, and Michael Vick has a seat in the back of the train. The afRaiders are the picture of incompetence. And I’m wasting page space on this game. Pick any number above -14.
Iggles romp. Seriously, COME ON , MAN!

ARID-ZONA @ SEATTLE
Ok, the Seadogz made me look bad last week. This is truly a different team with Hasslebeck on it, and they responded magnificently to his return last week. This is a game they will have to win to feel as if they can contend in this division. And win they will. I’m not buyin’ the Cardynoles, and neither is Seattle.
Hawks by -3.

BUFFALO @ NY JETS
How, how does Buffalo LOSE to MAXIMUMLY WRETCHED CLEVELANDLAND AT HOME, 3-6, in possibly the most depressing piece of crap game in recent memory? If I was Ralph Wilson, I would have publicly apologized in every media possible to the fans in Upstate NY for that abortion of a game where the winning QB had a rating of 15! And the Jet s are pissed, boy howdy, are they pissed about dropping that emotional up-and-down game against their fiercest rivals in Miami. They take it out on the visiting Bills. Blowout city, baby, J*E*T*S by double digits.

TENNESSEE @ NEW ENGLANDLAND
Speaking of pissed, Dr EvilChek and his creation, Tom Brady, have got to be incensed at letting victory escape their grasp in the Mile High City last week. And Belichek is purty dang good at attacking an opponent’s weakness. In Tennesee, take your pick, but the most glaring is the secondary. If you have Tommy Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Ben Watson, etc, in your fantasy league, Sunday will be payday. Patsies by double digits. The misery continues for the Music City Malefeacense.

CHICAGO @ ATLANTA
Damn, I hate picking the Duckies in this game, but in their dome, with this team, they will be better than Da Bears on Sunday Night. Sorry. I’d be overjoyed to see Cutler and Co. outscore them, but I think the Duckies have the better run game. Could be an entertaining scorefest, though, so make room for TO on your couch and get your popcorn ready. D-D-Duckies b-b-by -3.


DENVER @ SAN DIEGO
Alright Fanz, I am NOT missing handicapping THIS one- This could be the best game of the week – This is one of those “circle the wagons” games for the Chargers, and I think they will be up for the task. Denver’s rejuvenated team won’t make it easy, but neither team is going to leave anything on the field. Don’t go to bed at halftime, no matter the score! It’s tighter than the -4 Vegas is giving the ‘Bolts. I lean to the Broncoids, and I can’t believe I’m doin’ that, but yes, I’ll say it again,
I’m leanin’ to the Broncoids and the +4.

There you go Fanz, the perfect remedy for 6-7. I’m feelin’ it this week!

Last week 6-7
Season 41-34

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