THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 4

Happy Friday to you all – Unlike our wretched PuddyCats, I’ve got a winning record this season, and a really impressive Week 3, going 11-5! HEZAH!!! I firmly believe success breeds success, and I just can’t wait for more of the same! So without further ado, I’m tearin’ into this bye-lightened schedule!

CrOAKLAND @ HOUSTON
I’m sure the Texans are disappointing a lot of the Houstoners and pundits that have been pointing to this season as the breakout campaign that’s been predicted for, oh, the past five years! Or it feels that way, anyway. What a Jekyll and Hyde team these Texans are! Ok, there’s no question they’re the better team than the Schraiders, who have revealed themselves to be the dregs we all thought they were. But do the Texans have 9 ½ more points than they do? This is the Dr. Jekyll week for Houston. Begrudgingly, I take the Texans to cover.

TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE
0-3 is a dreadful way to start the season, but that’s the dilemma that faces the Titans. Unlike the Panthers, they’ve fought and scratched through all three of their games, only to have the fickle whims of karma lead them to defeat. They’re a good team, and they are no doubt better than the Jaggy-whyers. They’ll slow down MJD, and produce enough points to win. Texans by -3.

BALTY-MOORE @ NEWENGLANDLAND
This game will go a long way in determining one of two things – one, if the Ravens are a serious contender, and two, if the Pastry-Rots are really back. I’m leaning to the former, because the New Englandland O-line has not done a good job against multiple blitzes, and what do you think the Quothers will bring? Down after Down? Meanwhile, the Raven’s offense has been moving the ball as never before in their BayState existence. Wrong team favored here, Quothers and +2, to win!

CINCINATTI @ CLEVELANDLAND
I TOLD you the Bungles would cover last week, didn’t I? And they obliterate the Brownies this week, who are dog-breath BAD. As I said in the opening of this blog, success breeds success. And beatin’ the Squeelers is a great start! The Battle of Ohio #1 goes to the better lookin’ unies. Bungles and -5 ½.

NY GEEEEMEN @ KANSAS CITY
I thought for sure that the G’int’s would come out flat last week against a vastly inferior opponent. Boy, I was wrong – and this week, I’m not goin’ down that road again. Take the GEEEEEMEN big –
Gin’ts by -9.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO
Da Bears are starting to get acclimated to their new QB, and that’s bad news for the rest of the division, but remember what I said about success breeding success – The Leos actually proved me right and WON a game last week! While I think Da Bears are a better team, I think Detroit gives ‘em a fight!
Take the Leos and that insulting +10!

TAMPA BAY AT WARSHINGTOON
Make no mistake – Tampa is BAD. Clevelandland BAD. But so is Warshingtoon. They DO have some star players in certain positions, and that probably counts for something. My gut says that the DeadSkins make up for last weeks “humilitation”. Skins by -7.

SEATTLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
New coach, same underachieving team. Same results going into a white-hot Colts stadium. The line is off at this time, but I’m inclined to take Indy. Big.

NY J*E*T*S @ NEW ORLEANS
This is a VERY enticing setup by two of the top undefeated teams in this league. Relentless defense vs. unstoppable offense! The exciting part is, is that the Jets are developing an offense to go with Rexy’s D, and the Saints are developing a defense to go with Brees and his FCD’s. I’m leaning to the Jets’ ability to pressure the QB – I don’t think Drew Brees will beat the blitz EVERY time – The Saints have a -7 edge – I say the J*E*T*S keep it close – Gimme them J*E*T*S and +7.

BUFFALO @ MIAMI
Miami held up pretty well last week on their deathly Worst Coast trip. On this Sunday, they find themselves at home against a Buffalo team that did NOT hold up well – AT HOME. Sure, it was the Saints, but they looked bad doing it. I say they wilt here, even without Chad Pennington. Wrong team favoured here – Take Miami and the +2.

SAD LOUIS @ SAN FRANCISCO
If not for some Brett Favre heroics, we would be talking about the Samauri Niners being undefeated. A great start for Singletary’s team. They get another weakling to pound on this weekend. And pound they will. Niners at home and the 9 ½.

DALLAS @ DENVER
Ok, this is an anomaly to me. DENVER!?? At 3-0??? The next five games will tell a lot about this team and how they are responding to rookie coach McDaniels. Dallas was not impressive last week in their win against Carolina, and the leash was tangibly tight around Romo The Homo. Not sure EXACTLY how the Broncoids are doin’ it, but it seems to be with - DEFENSE. And they’re at home, which counts for something. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Broncoids and the +3, who get to 4-0.

SAN DIEGO @ PISSBURGH
The nightcap involves the supposedly resurgent Chargers visiting a reeling Squeeler squad. Even though The Boltz may be without LaDamian Thomlinson, they are still able to run the ball effectively. The Squeelers are not. If the Chargers are able to put enough pressure on WorthlessBerger, they may make a game of it. Pissburgh hasn’t scored enough points in the span of three weeks, and I don’t think they score enough here. I like the San Diego Chargers and the 6 ½.

GREEN BAY @ MINI-SODA
Could the drama get anymore intense for this Monday night matchup? I don’t have to remind you of the cast of characters. I would give the edge to Mini-Soda’s defense, but Aaron Rogers and his FCD’s are purty damn good. All Green Bay has to do is slow AP, and make Favre throw downfield. I know it’s a dangerous propostion, but I think it’s a sound gameplan. I got a hunch. Take the Packers and the +3 ½.

There you go Fanz! A light, 14-game spread that should satisfy the most discerning of palates. Enjoy.

Last week – 11-5
Season -29-19

See you next week!


***EXPLANATION OF TERMS - FCD is shorthand for "Frisbee Catchin' Dawgs" ***

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