THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-

September 20th, 2008

Well, PantherFanz, this is two weeks and a day or two late, but this is something I had hoped to start at the beginning of the season, but only now am getting the time to actually do. I am going to use that God-Given clairvoyance gland of mine, and handicap all the games for the rest of the season- I’d be interested in what my record would be, and I kinda think y’all would, too. Without further ado, here’s my thoughts about the weekend’s contests-

KANSAS CITY @ THE DUCKIES-
The Duckies are favored by 5 ½ in this one. My friends, the Chefs are just outright terrible so far this year, and while the Duckies aren’t exactly burinin’ it up, they DO have a couple of nice playmakers on offense, and enough defense to balance out whatever KC manages to do with their meager offense. Take the Duckies, BIG, over the hapless Chefs.

CrOAKLAND @ BUFFALAMAGO
The Bills are giving up a whopping 9 ½ points for this one? Why not jump on the Bills on this one? I think as BAD as the SchRaiders are, they DO have a pretty good running game, which, if Coach Lane Kiffin is smart, will utilize to make the game ugly, and manageable for the maligned crOAKLAND schRaiders. I say they cover, but Buffalamago will certainly win this game. The Bills will certainly continue their juggernaut path for the season, but 9 ½ is too much in this one.

Houston @ TENNESSEE
When has Kerry Collins EVER gotten so much love? I know that the irony isn’t lost on much of us fans that the weak-hearted KC bailed on the game much like Vince Young has reputed to do- The positive thing for the Titans is, that the team HAS responded to Collins’ leadership. Houston has had some terrible breaks for it so far this year. I don’t believe the season is lost for the Texans yet, but this is a tough place to win, especially with the Titan defense playing as well as it has. The line this morning is 4 ½, and I’m certain Kerry and his Titans cover at home in the beautiful weather.

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MEN @ CINCINATTAH
The G’INTS come in a tremonsterous 13 ½ road favorite in this one. The Bungles, so far, are one train wreck of a team, on both sides of the ball. Defensively, this was expected, but NOT for the offense, which STILL has plenty of playmakers. If they lose THIS one at home, I think the team tanks on Coach Marvin Lewis. Marvin-

Get your resume polished up. Giants BIG in this one. Take the GEEEEEEEEEEEE Men and the 13 ½.

CARDY-NOLES @ WARSHINGTON
The Deadskins are a three point favorite here, and that may just be on past reputation. BUT- it seems like whenever we are ready to bury them, they show a little life, kinda like last week’s escape from the Saints. I’m not ready to love’em yet, with a seemingly resurgent Cardy-nole team coming in. BUT AGAIN- Arid-zona isn’t a team that does East Coast well- and they seem to do this every year- The ‘Skins could make this ugly defensively, and I say they cover. Just a feelin’. I lean to the ‘Skins in this one.

MIAMI @ NEWENGLANDLAND
Another BIG line for a home team - a whopping 12 ½ points. Again, I’m not ready to give the Patsies THAT much love without Brady- but that stout defense is still in place. The Dull-fins are still very much a rebuilding project. And this is the kind of game Dr. Evil-chek usually wins. I don’t think Miami punctures the defense enough to make a difference. Take the Patsies to cover, and comfortably.

TAMPA @ CHICAGO
As we well know now, DaBears “D” is for real. I’d imagine at home, they’d be extra-potent. And this will be overwhelming to the Bucs’ new starting QB, Brian Greasy. I told you Chucky mind-screwed Garcia over the botched Brett deal- this will be a lingering mold over this team this year. Both offenses will be plodding, but I expect the Bears, with Forte’s fine running will be the difference. This game will be quite similar to their LAST game at Carolina, but with a different result. Take DaBears and the line, which is -3 for DaBears.

THE MIGHTY CAROLINA PANTHERS @ MINI-SODA
The Vikings are giving the C*A*T*S CATS CATS CATS 3 ½ . 3 ½!!!??? With AP a gametime decision on a bad wheel? What is Vegas thinking? Do they know something the rest of us don’t? Doubt it. As I posted in the last rant, the Vikings will have to choose their method of death- As it goes with Foxball, it will be slow and agonizing for the rest of us, and the Vikings. You would think they’d pour it on with Smitty back, but I say Foxy has the ‘Cats pound and pound and pound and pound and pound and pound-

As Greg Roberts says- Take the Panthers, straight up, to win the game. And The Cedar Street Seer says- The PantherZ will wear the Vikings OUT!

SEATTLE @ ST. LOUIS
Ughh. Double Ughh. Remember the ’04 Panthers, when half our team was on IR? The SeaDogs are nowhere like that team, and the Lambs simply suck with a twist of rotten lime. And the ‘Dogs are GIVING the LAMBS 9 ½???!!! This will be a game that will be downright unwatchable. AND-

St. Looey certainly covers. Take The Lambs and the nine and a half, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see them win this game.

SAD FRANCISCO @ DETROY-IT
While the Phoney-Niners stunk it up in Week 1, they came to life last week, as I had foreseen. This week they get a bumbling opponent in the De-troy-it Lie-uns. AND- they are a road FAVORITE- What about that? They hadn’t gotten that kind of love since, well, since Steve Young was there! I like the offensive package that mad genius Mike Martz has put together there, and this is a statement game for Martz, having been fired by Detroit. I would be inclined to take Sad Francisco and the four points.

NAW’LINS @ DENVER
This game, along with the Packers-Cowbaby game later on in the day, could be the most entertaining, if you like lots of scoring- Denver’s “D” is awfully weak, but they have found a powerful gear on offense, which I didn’t expect this year. We all know about the Saints’ heralded offense, which will have no problem moving on the Broncoids. HOWEVER, I’m not buying into the Saints’ revamped “D” either. Denver’s at home, but I think the Saints have to make some kind of statement in this game. The Broncoids’ just AINT that good, and the Saints just AINT that bad- The line’s 5 ½, and I’m leanin’ to The Saints, and 5 ½. Of course, you know I’d LOVE for the Broncoids to waste ‘em, but I’m a realist here.

PISSBURGH @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
An in-state rivalry renewed, we’re seeing something akin to the immovable object meeting the irresistible force. The immovable object being the Squealer’s reputable “D”, the force being Philthy’s powerful offense, put on display to be seen from here to the Klingon Empire. Make no mistake, as long as he’s protected, Donavan McSnabb’s back, and better than ever. I think Pissburgh will blitz with harrowing frequency in an effort to rattle him- On Pissburgh’s offensive side of the ball, everyone knows that Big Ben’s shoulder’s effed. That means limited throwing, and lots of Willie Parker. This is the kind of game that COULD get ugly and plodding, but I believe that the Fleagles can make enough plays to overcome their western out-of-conference rivals. The line’s 3 ½ to the Fleagles. Take the Boids to win.

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
Here’s a team with DEBILITATING injuries on the offensive line. If you’re knowledgeable and realistic about the game in it’s purest sense, then you know it could be curtains for the Jag-you-whyers this season. The Colts don’t exactly look like a team back in stride- Peyton had to rely on a really gimmicky play late to escape the Vikings last week, and expect Coach Del Rio to put an enormous amount of pressure on Peyton in his place. But I think the Colts’ “D” is going to find the going a little easier against this offense. The line is a paltry 5 points- I expect Manning and Co. to finally shake off the rust and blow out a fatally wounded opponent. Take the Colts, BIG, over the Jaggie-whyers.

CLEVELAND @ BALTY-MORE
The Brownies couldn’t be in a more precarious position. After getting beat up by PissBurgh in an Ike-blown home game, they get to face the resurgent Ravens, having an unexpected two-week bye, again, related to Ike. Joey Flacco can’t be that good, but the Ravens “D” is. Baltimore is giving the Brownies 2 1/2 – Take the home team to win. As for the Brownies winning another game this season? Quothe the Ravens- “NEVERMORE”. Ok, ok, I had to say it. The Brownies ain’t that bad, but I don’t like ‘em this Sunday.

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY
Don’t you just hate all of the attention the CowPuppies get? Wouldn’t you like them to get their teeth kicked in? Could happen, in a sense, Sunday night. The Packers have shown their offense hasn’t slowed much at all with Mr. Rogers flingin’ the biscuit in HIS neighborhood. And Dallas has shown it’s might defense is mighty only on paper when Donavan and his Fleagles torched ‘em for 37 points last Monday, AT HOME. The ‘Pups have never won at Lambeau, and it won’t happen now. Cowbabies are a 3 point road favorite- wrong team favored here- Never underestimate the POWER OF TUNDRA - Take the Packers, with the MUCH better defense, to cover, and I like them to outright win the game, with the ‘Pups on a short week. Choke on your popcorn, TO-

B*R*E*T*S BRETS BRETS BRETS @ SAD DIEGO
Monday Night Football gets another marquis matchup featuring the over-hyped Brett Favre- The Chargers are a team in urgency mode, and they wouldn’t be had Eddie Hoculi hadn’t hocked up a loogie of a call against The Bolts. Stunned by TWO consecutive losses in the final moments of their previous contests, the Bolts are favored by 8 ½. Make no mistake, there will be no Favre Magic on THIS night. Take the Chargers and the 8 ½.

There’s my prognostication for the week, FanZ! I’ll see you guys Sunday night, God willing! Enjoy the games, and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PANTHERS!

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