28 September, 2008


September 26th, 2008

As a North Carolina TarHeel fan in anything the school does, there’s no team I’d rather see them beat than DOOK!!! And that’s been practically my whole life. Now, since Florida State came to the league, Bowden’s boys have been near the top of the hate meter. I had initially thought that the Miami Huckrakaines would be tough, but, hey, we’ve beaten them three of the four times they’ve started ACC play. But this is NOT an ACC rant, as much as I’d like to rant about the great game my TarHeels played. As a matter of fact, I can’t recall a better day to be a college football fan than yesterday. It’s karma, perhaps, that it was TAILGATE day for ESPN, who featured particular tailgaters throughout their broadcast. And it got me salivating for today. If you’re a fan of the GAME OF AMERICAN FOOTBALL, you not only love the Friday night ritual, but the Saturday contests are like the perfectly fried calamari appetizer you get at the very best Italian restaurants, and you REALLY can’t wait for that orgasmically wonderful veal parmagaina you ordered. Which brings me to Sunday.

There was no question in my mind that the late September tailgate would be benefited by the perfect weather. Crowd was full, energetic, and mysteriously VOID of Duckie fans. The Fanbulance was a no-show. (which actually was a drag-) My youngest and VERY GORGEOUS daughter Jessie was conscripted to do the 50-50 and she had a BLAST doing it. Thanks so much PantherFanz for giving her the claw and making her feel a part of the big deal. I was very much still buzzed by the previous day’s excellence of football watching- And I had guarded feelings, as you all know, about the upcoming game. As we watched the game unfold, with Hoculi the Hocker’s ticky-tack call on Pep starting things off, I wasn’t sure about the tone of the game. As I enjoy my night cap of Basil Hayden’s and Da Bears-Boids game, I reflect on the several things that surprised me.

Is it me, or did the presencse of Ed Hoculi, who was to be “demoted” by the league, kind of piss you off? That the notion of calling a Panthers game was a demotion of sorts? Something that I pondered. I really do hope we’ve seen him call our games for the last time, if that’s the league’s view of us.

I was surprised, and pleasantly so, at the ABSENCE of a pass rush by the Duckies-
Jake was NOT TOUCHED, and pretty much threw at will. I was pleased, but not surprised at Moose’s efficiency at receiving Jake’s bullets in the double-teams Smitty often received. I was THRILLED at the absence of red-jerseyed bandwagon Mike Vick Duckie fans in our stadium, and even more so at the silence of the few that were there. THIS is DEFINITELY more like it, PantherFanz! The sound of the cheering for the team was like I’ve not heard in quite some time, and it was to me if Beethoven choreographed the music of the cheers. I was, however, NOT PLEASED and surprised at the LACK of pass rush WE generated. I was NOT PLEASED with the lack of running game of our Panthers. But I almost would give them a pass, given our ease of---- er, PASSING. And it was easy. It felt TOO easy. The outcome never seemed in doubt, which makes me wish to medicate my clairvoyance gland. I felt we would win, I just didn’t think it would be this nonchalant. It’s like, well-

If you relate to things like me, as a TarHeel fan-

It felt a lot like beating Dook. There’s no team you’d rather beat, and as a Panther Fan, you’d better want to beat the Duckies more than any other team for the countless times they’ve knocked that delectable scoop of ice cream from your waffle cone onto that pile of doggie doo. So, with a 24-9 lead in the fourth quarter, I knew there was NO WAY these fu**ers were coming back, and I could even accept missing this game on my weekly handicaps (what’s disgusting, though, is facing the prospect of going 6-10. In his very worst slumps, Henry Houdini didn’t go 6-10!). It’s the very best feeling in the world as a sports fan to beat your most hated rival. And tonight, I’m ecstatic. I AM a little worried about two of our offensive stalwarts, Jordan Gross, who got his bell completely RUNG in the first half, and Jeff Otah, who hurt his ankle in the second. Although both came off the field reasonably well, it’s pretty certain these guys are gonna miss some practice time. No worries. One of the worst teams in the league is coming in next week. We should absolutely TRIM the Chefs without them, no question. Let’s take care of business next week and have our corn-fed hunks of beef ready for the Fuccaneers. If we don’t beat the Chefs by TWO touchdowns, Mr. Davidson should have his manhood held in contempt. But, I’m pondering something that may be our undoing-

Yes, it’s that pass rush. I’m good with holding the NFL’s premier ground-pounders to less than 100 yards. We’ve done it four games in a row now. Good job, Turkey-vac. Now SACK THE MOTHERF**KIN’ QUARTERBACK! We’ve shown that we are NOT a great come-from-behind team. I’m appalled by our apparent lack of desire to blitz. While our present game plan works well against the bottom dwellers of the league like the Duckies and Chefs and Lions who we have the pleasure to play, it failed miserably against the Vikings and will be sure to fail against the Fuccaneers, the Packers, and quite possibly the Schraiders and Cardy-noles. I know it sounds like I’m bitchin’ with my mouth full, but you guys (and gals- I KNOW some chicks read this blog- LAUREN---) who know football know that offense sells tickets- but DEFENSE wins championships. And I haven’t seen enough from the Panthers yet to convince me that their defense is championship grade. But guess what- Neither is Dallas’, who were the media’s appointed LORDS Of The League before getting their ASS handed to them AT HOME by the resurgent DeadSkins. Great job, Turkey-Vac, in handling DaBears’ ordinary offense, Augustus for one half, and the Duckies. You’ll get a pass for the Chefs, because we will certainly beat them- but then the tough part comes up. And we will need to be disruptive in that offensive backfield of our opponents to have a shot at the goals the team ought to have. I’m not as concerned with the day off the running game took as Moose punched 147 yards of “O” with defensive emphasis on that phase of the game. The next opponent who decides to primarily defend the pass will undoubtedly get Stewilliams rammed down their throats.

Ahhh, enuff bitchin’ from me. Enjoy this victory as we all should, anticipate with joy the arrival of our Canadian brethren, and be sure to toast them heavily with many beers and other spirits as we have another opportunity for a home laugher. And then we steel ourselves for the tougher parts of our schedule.

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