THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 13

Good Thursday to you, Fanz –

I’m buoyed by not only the fact the Panthers have exceeded their win total from last year, not only that I can actually type for two minutes without significant discomfort, but the fact I went 11-5 in picking last week. I look to duplicate or exceed that this week in this stretch run of a too-fast season that feels like it had just started – This week features the whole gamut – garbage games, division games, desperate, MUST WIN games, and making hay games –

Let’s get started while my arm lets me do this –

PHILTHYDEPHIA @ SEATTLE

This game now falls under the category of “Garbage”. At 4-7, neither of these teams can be realistically expected to make a playoff run. Now that the pressure’s off, I’d expect the Iggles to perform better, even without Michael Vick at the controls. The Seadogs are coming off a miserable performance against a dreadful DeadSkins team, and have little to play for. I like the embattled Andy Reid to unleash his rushing attack supplemented by another rushing QB, Vinnie Young. Take the Iggles and the -3.


TENNESSEE @ BUFFALO

Game grade – “DESPERATION”- The Bills have lost 4 straight, and are no longer a credible playoff contestant – The Titans have gotten what could be a BIG break in Houston’s emergent QB troubles – Both teams NEED this game – but the Titans now have a re-energized Chris Johnson-led rushing attack that knows no home field advantage, plus, they are now motivated by the realistic shot at the once uncatchable Texans – wrong team favoured here – I like the Titans straight up!

KANSAS SHITTY @ CHICAGO

Game grade – “Making Hay” – Even though both teams are on virtually unknown backup QB’s, Mr. Hanie has a much better supporting cast than the Chefs, and the Bears are making a sham of my fourth place prediction to start the season. This is a game the Bears SHOULD win – and they will. Take the Bears and the -7.

OAKLANDLAND @ MIAMI

Game grade – “Making Hay”- Even though Miami has shown some fight as of late, the Raiders have put on a bona-fide playoff push, thanks in large part to a productive rushing attack and a resurgent Carson Palmer. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Raiders straight up!

CINCINNATI @ PISSBURGH

Game grade- “Divisional Schlobberknocker”- a loss isn’t necessarily fatal to playoff hopes for either team. The Bengals have played the Squeelers very well as of late, and are in no way intimidated by so called “Blitzburgh”. I think this turns into a field goal game, which the Bengals cover. Take Cincy and the +6 ½.

BALTY-MOORE @ CLEVELANDLAND

Game grade – “Making Hay” – The Quothers keep pace with their conference-leading competitors. I refuse to take the Brownies. Ravens big.

NY JETS @ WARSHINGTOON

Game grade – “Garbage” - A victory over the Seadogs doesn’t do much for me. I like the J*E*T*S to win yet another defensive field goal game to sustain their flickering playoff hopes.

ATLANTA @ HOUSTON

Game grade – “DESPERATE Schlobberknocker”- The Duckies have to have this game to remain in the playoff chase – The Texans have to have this game to preserve their psyche after losing TWO of their quarterbacks – Fortunately for Houston, TJ Yates is a professional grade quarterback that knows how to manage himself through adversity, as evidenced through his remarkable performance last year as a Tar Heel. And his supporting cast in Space City is far superior to his team from Chapel Hill. I think the Texans defense rattle the Duckies all day. Wrong team favoured here. Houston wins, straight up!

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY

Game grade – “Divisional Garbage” - Tampa’s collapse from the power rankings is unexpected, but welcome for Panther Nation. As of this writing, their defense is statistically WORSE than the Panthers, if you can believe that! Which means the Cam-a-Lots should have a great day for fantasy owners everywhere. I like the Panthers straight up in this one –Not only for a honest-to-goodness win streak, but on the ROAD, no less!

DETROIT @ NEW ORLEANS

Game grade – “Making Hay” – A humbled Leo’s defense now has to face a team with an equal offensive force to that of the Packers team that smoked ‘em for Thanksgiving! And without their defensive cornerstone, DonkeyKong Suh, I’d expect the results to be the same. Bears and Duckies and Cowboys and Giants are pulling for the Saints. So am I.

DENVER @ MINI-SODA

Game grade – “Desperation” – At 6-5, the Broncoids now are buying into this “Divine Te-Bowship” that has supposedly propelled them to a possible playoff berth. I ain’t buyin’ it. Te-Blow sucks as an NFL quarterback, but this Broncoid defense has bought, lock, stock, and barrel, FOXBALL. And THAT’s the crux of Denver’s success as of late. Jake Delhomme could be on this team and they’d still be 6-5. And the Vikings are bad. Wrong team favoured here. DESPITE Te-Blowmania, Broncoids win.

SAD LOOEY @ SAN FRANCISCO

Game grade – “Making Hay” – At 9-2, the Niners can clinch their first playoff spot in a decade by decking a divisional opponent that’s pretty much done. 13 points is a lot, but they’re at home, and they’ll be motivated. Take the surging Niners.

DALLAS @ ARID-ZONA

Game Grade – “Making Desperate Hay” – For the first time in years, the Cowboys control their divisional fate. First, they must defeat a Cardy-noles team that DOES have some bona-fide playmakers on it. They will have to account for rookie phenom Patrick Peterson, and Kevin Kolb returns at QB. Second, The Cowboys are still trying to cement their 2011 offensive identity, but Romo The Not-Homo is starting to play up to expectations. It will be exciting, and close, but I think Dallas gets it done. Take the Cowboys and the -4 ½.

GREEN BAY AT NY GIANTS

Game Grade – “Making Hay” – FOR THE PACKERS – it’s beyond desperation for the Giants, who were so exposed against the Saints – The Packers are a similar team in so many ways to the Saints, and will have no problem with the quickly fading Gi-AINTS.

TWO GAMES IN PRIMETIME THAT WILL SUCK MASSIVE ROTTEN DONKEY BALLS

I thought the new “Flex Scheduling “the league implemented was supposed to fix this –
Instead of Detroit-New Orleans, Pissburgh-Cincy, or even Dallas-Arid-Zona, we get

CHEATIN’-CHEK’S REVENGE – INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND for SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

If freshman Chef Rivera carved up the Colts with his Cam Newton Ginsu blade, and you imagine what Billy Cheat-a-Chek will do with Tommy Terrific and his Brady Bunch against his former nemesis? It will be like Gordon Ramsey at a Denny’s. Unwatchable unless you’re a Pastry-Rots sniffer. The line’s at 20. Can you imagine it being less?

SAD DIEGO @ JACKSONVILLE for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Like the game above – “GARBAGE”. Sad Diego has plummeted like available dates for Herman Cain. Phillip Rivers has become inexplicably inept, and the Jaggy-Whyers, well, they’re the Jaggy-Whyers, now with an interim head coach, and new owner, and a half-empty stadium. Like this Monday night. The Chargers have more “playmakers” if you can call it that, and I will lean to them.

There you go Fanz – I make more hay with these picks –

See you after the games with my Sucky-Neers rant –

Last week - 11-5

Season - 92-79

Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com