THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

Here we go into the stretch run, Fanz! And I’m fightin’ the clock to get this done before kickoff of the Pissburgh-Clevelandland game –

And I’m gettin’ right to it!

CLEVELANDLAND @ PISSBURGH

I made a vow not to take the Brownies again this season, and I’m holdin’ to it. This for all the world looks like a blowout to me, so I would take the Squeelers and the -14 points at Heinz Field. This is when the Men of Squeel usually make hay, with the playoffs and the division at stake.

INDIANAPOLIS @ BALTY-MOORE

I don’t know HOW the Pastry-rots let a team like the Colts come back on them last week – especially given Cheat-a-chek’s proclivity to turn the phasers to “kill”. Harbaugh won’t make that mistake on Sunday – Quothers say – “home team by -16”… and the Colts are three games away from making legions of Detroit fans go “CLACK CLACK CLACK!!!!”

HOUSTON @ CINCINNATI

A CRITICAL road game for the Texans, a MUST WIN for the Bengals - This should be a defensive Schlobberknocker on the level of Squeelers-Ravens! I’m leaning to the Texans, with the better run game-

OAKLAND @ GREEN BAY

The Tundra should be close to frozen by now, and the Packers are well aware of their spot in history at this stage of the season. It’s more of a MUST WIN for the Raiders, but as of late, they have not been up to the challenge of taking control of their division. Like I illuminated in the quarterly report, the Packers can be had through the air, but the Raiders passing attack is erratic. Packers win this one going away…

KANSAS SHITTY @ NY JETS

This is where the Jets can help themselves. The Chefs offense should splash against the Jets’ D like the Atlantic caresses the rocky New Englandgland coast – Jets by -9.

MINI-SODA @ DETROIT
Another game where the home team MUST make hay. The line is off, but the Leos feast on the suffering Vikings.

NEW ORLEANS @ TENNESSEE

The Titans have to have this game to hold on to flickering playoff hopes, but the Saints are on a roll. I don’t believe the Titans can fully stop the offensive attack of Brees & co. Saints by -3 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ MIAMI

It would have been unthinkable two months ago, but Miami is actually favoured in this game. The Feeguls have completely come apart, and nothing Mike Vick can do will save their lost season. Matt Moore is playing like he did for the ’09 Panthers, and that’s like a mirage for the Dullphins, but they’re playing inspired football against all opponents these days. I like the Phish and a field goal.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ WARSHINGTOON

I wonder what the postgame locker room at Gillette Stadium was like when Cheat-a-Chek brought his stony face in – or- has Bill gone soft on us in his advanced age? I kinda doubt it. The Pastry-Rots are gonna scald the Red off of these Skins. By at least -8.

ATLANTA @ CAROLINA
Last week, a superior defense shut Michael Turner and the Duckies down. Last week, a pair of defensive tackles that were previously on practice squads shut down Legarrette Blount and the Sucky-neers. Ok, it’s not a good comparison. As much as I’d love to see it, the Panthers are NOT going to stop Turner this week. Duckies survive, but the -2 ½ line surprises me.

TAMPA BAY @ JACKSONVILLE

Ughh. Two teams that are in the toilet, and Vegas has apparently ignored this one. The line’s still off, and I’m reluctantly leanin’ to the Sucky-neers.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ARID-ZONA

The Cardy-noles showed an awful lot of fight against the Cowboys last week, and I think they’ll do the same this week, but the Niners are on a mission. I don’t think the other Harbaugh will dial down his phaser strength, and they’ll pull away in the second half. Niners by -4.

CHICAGO @ DENVER

The Bears are getting the Broncoids at a terrible time. Forte out, Hanie playing like he’s still in Hooterville, and Denver one of the hottest teams this side of a frozen tundra or murky bayou, or California suspension bridge. The Te-Blow sniffers will be throwing their hands up in glorious praise…Broncoids by 3 ½.

BUFFALO @ SAD DIEGO

Too little, far too late for the Chargers to save their season, but they’ll have enough for the Bills. Bolts by -7.

NY GIANTS @ DALLAS
THIS will be a vastly entertaining shootout! At last, a game worthy of prime time! I believe that lovers of offense should tune into this game by all means! I think that the Giants have just a bit more, and pull into a tie with the Cowboys by evening’s end. Wrong team favored – Giants to win the game!

SAD LOOEY @ SEATTLE

A Monday night for West Coasters, and I couldn’t care less. The line is off, and I’ll take the home Seadogs.

There! Just in time for kickoff!
See you in the lot!

Last week – 10-6
Season – 102-85