THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 16

Good Thursday to you all, Fanz! It’s time once again for your weekly prognostitive entertainment, provided this season WITHOUT FAIL by your dedicated Cedar Street Seer. But this is no ordinary week of pics – This is CRITICAL Week 16, with most of the games being played on Saturday Christmas Eve, and postseason placement hangs in the balance – And I’m ready to let ‘er rip –

Clairvoyance gland, don’t fail me now…

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS

The Colts felt the soothing relief of a victory last week, but the fact remains. This is not a very good football team by any measure, at any position, and it mystifies me that ONE player, removed from the lineup, can result in such a dreadful year. Houston IS a good team, despite the letdown to the Cam-a-Lots, and that will certainly play itself out tonight. TJ Yates is not making the mistakes he made last Sunday. Take the Texans and the -6.

OAKLAND @ KANSAS CITY

Again, when you manage to beat a team like the Packers, you get your correct city and team name back. The Chiefs played their heart out for Romeo Crennel, and they’ll do the same on Saturday. The Raiders are battling a late season inconsistency, and I think the raucous Arrowhead crowd will help carry the hometeam through. I’m feelin’ the Chiefs and the -1 ½.

DENVER @ BUFFALO

TebowMania took a break last week, but it promises to resume at Ralph Wilson Stadium this weekend. The Broncoids are still playing inspired ball defensively, and the Bills sure ain’t Brady’s Bunch. One win, and Denver’s in. This is the win. By -3.

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE

The Titans got to be the team to lose to the 13-loss team last week. Chris Johnson is hobbled, as is Matt Hasslebeck, and with their playoffs on feeble math support, a win realistically, won’t help much. They had a hard time stopping a pair of unheralded fullbacks, and Maurice Jones-Drew is still quite the force in Jacksonville’s offensive backfield. I think this game will be closer than the line. I’m on the Jaggy-Whyers and the +7 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ CINCINNATI

It took a spirited fourth quarter and overtime for Johnny Skelton and his Cardy-noles to overcome a struggling Clevelandland team AT UOP last week. The Bengals will be that much tougher, and Arid-Zona traditionally has a tough time travelling east. Cincinnati’s got a shot at a wild card slot, and the defenses will set the tone, but the men in the cool striped unis will prevail, and cover the -4.

MIAMI @ NEWENGLANDGLAND

This is a game Bill Cheat-a-Chek doesn’t lose. Period. The Broncoids “D” is much stouter than that of the Phish, and Brady’s Bunch will penetrate them again and again. Take the Pastry-Rots and the -9 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ BALTY-MOORE

The Brownies’ defense is keeping the team respectable, and the Ravens dropped an inexplicable pterodactyl egg in San Diego last Sunday Night. Under normal circumstances I would take the Browns and the +13 points, but I made a vow not to take them again. And I’m not. But take the Ravens at your own risk with that hefty line.

NY GIANTS @ NY JETS

Funny, this is an “away” game for the GeeeeMen at their OWN stadium, that they share with the other Guys from Gotham. And both teams are reeling from REALLY bad losses. This is a very tough game to call for me – I love the Jets’ defense, but they looked TERRIBLE against the Iggles, and the Giants’ offense has looked incredible as of late, but looked like a bunch of fat hobbits against the Deadskins – AT HOME.
Both teams MUST WIN this game to stay in the playoff chase, and it will be played like it. But I like the Jets’ D to make the play that changes the game. Jets by -3.

MINI-SODA @ WARSHINGTOON

A game for draft positioning. Peterson says he’ll play, and this is too late for Wrecks-Grossman to audition for next year. Something tells me that the Vikings cover this one, and the Deadskins flub up offensively. Northmen and the +6 ½.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA

It’s a hallmark of inspired coaching when a team out of the playoffs continues to “swing their sword” as Foxy used to say. The Panthers are setting the tone for next season for Ron Rivera, and the Sucky-Neers are playing out theirs. There are some players who are vocally behind embattled Bucs coach Raheem Morris, but I don’t think there’s enough of them. There’s been some positive tutelage of Cam Newton by his teammates, and I think it will show itself on the field. A happy day for Pantherfanz. ‘Cats by -7 ½.

SAD LOOEY @ PISSBURGH

Even without Worthlessberger, I don’t think the Lambs can do much at Heinz Field with so much at stake for the Men of Squeel. The line’s off, but the clacking done by the universe and the space –time continuum may be too much to overcome if the Squeelers lose this one. There’s no way, but I would join the heavenly chorus of clackers if they do. But they won’t.

SAN DIEGO @ DETROIT

With one win, the once laughable Detroit Lions secure their first playoff berth in decades. They will do it on Saturday, but the Chargers manage to get up for the big teams at the right time. It’s just the sucky ones they falter with, and it will cost Turner his job. But this contest will be hard fought. Matthew Stafford will find Calvatron and his Decepticons enough times to get that victory. Phillip Rivers will do enough stupid things to cost the Chargers theirs.


SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE

The Niners can clinch a #2 seed with a victory over suddenly scrappy Seattle. It’s always tough to play in Quest Field, and I think this weekend will be no exception. I’m feelin’ the Seadogs and the +2 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ DALLAS

The Iggles embarrassed the Cowboys on their last trip to the Linc. I don’t like the revenge angle, especially when there’s so much at stake. The Cowboys have traditionally choked in this situation, and I don’t think it changes here. Mike Vick’s playing well in his return, and they’ll be tough to stop. I like the Iggles to continue to put the late season tease on for the frustrated Philthy fans and win!

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY

Perhaps the best thing to happen to the Packers in their second championship quest was to be humbled by the Chiefs last week. They certainly get a chance to redeem themselves against their archrival from the Windy City, but Josh McClown is an upgrade from Mr. Hanie like Kim-Jong-Un is an upgrade from Kim Jong-Il. The Chiefs defense showed how to harass Aaron Rodgers through that now battered offensive line, and the Bears will do the same. 13 points is a heavy line, and I like the Bears to cover.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS

One win for the Duckies, and they’re back in the playoffs. If it’s THIS win, they still have a chance to win the division. But with Dan Marino’s record, and the #2 seed on the line for the Saints, they have too much motivation to let the Duckies run all over them. These two teams traditionally play tough, but when Drew Brees has something this significant to play for, he’s unstoppable. I’m all over the Saints and the 6 ½.

Another nice week for the Seer last week –
10-6
Season – 123-96

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