THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 3

Well, that feels better, folks. I told you the league would reset itself, and I got considerably closer to my usual excellence, missing five games. I’m feeling even better this week – read on, and place your bets with confidence –
Let’s start with…

SAN FRANCISCO @ CINCINATTI

I’ve got a weird feeling about this game – This is basically the same two teams that played like total CRAP against the Jimmy Claussen Panthers last year. One of them lost. I will encourage you to lean to the Bungles, because A) they’re the ones who won last year at Carolina and B) the Phoney- Niners are the one who LOST to the Claussen Panthers, and historically do badly in East Coast games. I think San Francisco’s the better team, but, begrudgingly, I say take the Bungles and the 2 ½.

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ BUFFALOLAND

Only the Squeeler-Coltz game has a larger spread. Brady’s boys are favored here in Niagraville by a whopping 8 ½ points. Part of me believes its. The sensible part of me believes that the Bills have improved this much that they’ll be able to hang with the AFC’s best team evidenced by the fact that even the crappy Dullphins managed 400 yards of offense on them. I’ve been mostly right about the Bills so far – there’s no doubt that the Pastry-Rots are superior, but this is the NFL, and almost anything can happen – including the Bills’ covering the spread –

HOUSTON @ NEW ORLEANS

This is one of those monster inter-conference games that the Texans will need to win to be REALLY taken seriously this year. No fear Houston, you’ve got two more coming up against the Suckaneers and the Duckies. Not this one. Resurgent Saints by -4. Get Arian Foster back, and we’ll talk.

NY GIANTS @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Two HURTING teams square off in LibertyTown to make an early season charge at the UNDEFEATED Warshingtoon FredSkins. I can’t tell you how weird it is for me to write that. Looks like Mike Vick starts for the Iggles this week, and that could be enough for me to lean to Philthy’s side. The line’s STILL off at this writing. Pick the Iggles. The GEEEEEMen are out of fake injury time outs.

MIAMI @ CLEVELANDLAND

The Browns let me down in the season opener, and I’m not yet over that, especially since I made the early season playoff prediction for them. But this is the DULLFINS, for Pete’s sake! I do agree it would be good for the Phish to take it on the road and get away from their disheartened fans, and cause some heartache to Cleveland’s fans. I don’t think the team’s that good. Begrudgingly again, I tell you to LEAN to the Brownies and the -2 ½ points.

DENVER @ TENNESSEE

This point spread amazes me. A whopping -6 ½ for the Titans? Do they think that Hasslebeck’s that awesome? Orton’s the better QB, but if Chris Johnson gets going, it could be problematic for John Fox’s new defense. Orton needs receivers, especially since Eddie Royal’s on the bench. I still think there’s enough Foxball in Denver to keep it close. Take the Foxballer Broncoids and the +6 ½.

DETROIT @ MINI-SODA

Just like Houston, this is the game the Leos are going to need to win to be REALLY taken seriously by the league and the media. Should be easy. Stop Peterson. Make McSnabb beat you. Don’t turn the ball over, and the Leos blow this one out.

JACKSONVILLE @ CAROLINA

This game scares me, and I’ll tell you why –

Maurice Jones-Drew.
The stud running back is the best that the Panthers have seen so far, and our wretched defense is going to have to stack the box, leaving the rookie quarterback having to pass. Sound familiar? Conversely, the Jagz’ defense is pretty wretched, too. I have a feeling this is going to wind up being a track meet between two confident offenses, although we have the better receivers. Sorry Fanz. I’m likin’ the Jaggy-whyers to keep it close – REAL CLOSE. Cats win, but Jagz cover the 3 ½. The Panthers are a historically crappy home favorite when it comes to the spread.

KANSAS SHITTY @ SAN DIEGO

I have a feeling Indianapolis will win a game before the woebound Chefs do. Pick a number above 14 ½. Boltz win.

NY J*E*T*S @ CrOAKLAND

Here’s another spread that amazes me. The Jets’ offense STILL doesn’t have its legs, and now they’re going west to a resurgent Raiders team? Ghastly if you’re a Jets fan. I like the Raider’s offense to have enough punch to overcome the formidable NY D to cover the 3 ½, and likely even win. Keep it on the ground more than you throw, Hue Jackson, and you’ll do just that.

BALTLY-MOORE @ ST. LOOEY

The Lambs are getting the Ravens at the very worst time. Smarting after their collapse against the Titans, the Lambs are vastly undermanned before the enraged Boyz from Balty-Moore. I like the Ravens BIG over the injury-struck Laaaaaambs.

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY

An early NFC South showdown gets a 4.00 start, and a stadium full of drunk Suckaneer fans gets to cheer their team to victory, and a tie for first in the most contentious and competitive division in the league. The Duckies traditionally are not as effective on REAL grass as they are on their fast track under the dome. I expect them to wilt in the Tampa afternoon sun. Take the Sucky-Neers and the 1 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ SEATTLE

I’ve heard some rumblings that this could be a “trap” game for these Cardy-Noles. If it is, someone take Coach Weisenhut’s Man Card. The Cardy-Noles are a vastly superior team. It should bear itself out in the final score, which will be the Noles covering the -3 ½ points.

GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO

If there was ever a “trap” game for the Packers, it was last week. Don’t think they wouldn’t get geeked up about this one! The Bears looked lackadaisical against the Saints last week – and the Packers are a better team. I like the Pack BIG in this one. Packers, easily, with the 3 ½.

PISSBURGH @ INDIANAPOLIS

A good Sunday night to spend talking to your wife, if you don’t have fantasy players involved in this one. Without Manning, you can’t tell me that this team is already playing out the string. I hate to tell you this, but the Squeelers take this one early. Take ‘em and the -10 ½. I’ll check the score at halftime, and hit the sack. Budget your late night football watching time for Monday Night’s game which is…

WARSHINGTOON @ DALLAS

I’m beginning to grow some serious respect for Tony Romo after last week’s performance at San Francisco, not just because he starts for my Mighty Nimrods – Coming off the bench with not only a broken rib, but a punctured lung, to rally his team for a BIG conference win, has GOT to rally his Cowboys team! I think Coach Garrett’s playing this close to the vest – Jon Kitna will be ready on the bench, but for morale’s sake, I’ll bet that Romo starts in this one. The line’s STILL off on this one, and I have bedrock internal resistance to picking a team that Wrecks Grossman starts for. The juice is poured out in abundance for the Cowboys. Take ‘em to win.

There you go, Fanz! A week 3 to bank on! Some of you I will see in the lot tomorrow –

Last week – 11-5
Season - 17-14

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Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com