THE 2011 NFL SEASON FORECAST

I’m not sure I’ve been more excited to see an NFL season to come by since 2008, when I CORRECTLY predicted a 12-4 season for our Panthers, only to see it come to a crashing thud at the hands of the Arid-zona Cardy-noles. It’s a hurt that’s not yet healed, I promise you that. That was worse than losing to Virginia twenty times, I guarantee.

I think there is serious churn in the hierarchy of the NFL. Partly, because of the lack of OTA’s due to the lockout, and partly, because of natural degradation of talent. I look deeply into the vortices of The Force, and pull forth a 100% accurate prediction, for your satisfaction and entertainment. After a season of retreat by your Cedar Street Seer, I’m back, and I’ll be back every week, God willing, without fail.

So, without further ado, or verbiage, or silly metaphor like pizza or Star Wars or little cowboys, here’s my thought about the league this season.

In the AFC East, one thing has returned to the norm. The Pastry-Rots will be good again. Damned good.
The Jets will be right behind, but not as close as they have been in recent years. The Bills are a perpetual rebuilding project, but they have Chan Gailey goin’ for ‘em, and the Dullphins will just be bad. They go –

1- NEW ENGLANDLAND
2- 2-NEW YORK
3- 3-BEEFALO
4- 4-MIAMI

In the AFC South, the Houston Texans AT LAST fulfill all of the promise their fans have anticipated for years. And it won’t be close. The Titans will struggle for mediocrity, the Jags are in serious decline, but the Colts are in REAL trouble. This whole team has been built around Peyton Manning, who may be missing a large part of this season, if not all. His health issues have been hush-hushed, but apparently MUCH worse than anyone’s suspected. They go –

1- HOOSTUN
2- TENNESSEE
3- JACKSONVILLE
4- INDIANAPOLIS (with a shot at Andrew Luck! Isn’t’ that ironic!)

In the AFC North, the Pissburgh Squeelers may have the easiest time in many a season. I think Baltimore’s gotten old, especially on defense. And it will show. Guess who’s coming on? Don’t look now, but the Cleveland Browns have a franchise quarterback and a developing core of good, solid players. The Bungles, well, they will be part of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. They go –

1- PISSBURGH
2- CLEVELAND, yes, CLEVELAND!!!
3- BALTY-MOORE
4- CINCINNATI

The AFC West will be a bit more hotly contested this season. While the San Diego Chargers will still be the team to beat, the Raiders seem to finally have some organization and some players, if Al Davis can stay out of the way long enough. A fresh start will do John Fox and the Broncoids some serious good, but last year’s playoff appearance of the Kansas City Chefs was an anomaly. I guarantee it. The division goes –

1- SAN DIEGO
2- OAKLAND
3- DENVER
4- KANSAS SHITTY

Oh, days of yore, when the power in the league was the NFC East. This year, it will be the NFC LEAST! Without exception, I think EVERY TEAM is fraught with weakness, including that PAPER TIGER PHILTHYDELPHIA! While Dallas will be much improved, they will still have issues on defense to resolve, and the Giant’s defense has aged as well. The Deadskins will simply be bad. You know, Mike Shanahan, the game even passed Don Shula and Tom Landry by – you are certainly no better than they were, by any measurement. But, when you start looking at stats and schedule and so forth, you still come up with –

1- PHILTHYDELPHIA
2- NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS
3- DALLAS
4- WARSHINGTOON

Chris Berman likes to call the NFC North the “Norris Division”. For me, it’s a two-team race. The Packers have done NOTHING to make me believe they are any weaker than they were when they juggernauted through the playoffs. And yes, the Detroit Lions are going to win 10 games this year. Mark it down. The Vikings are in eclipse, having set themselves back with the failed Brett Favre mis-adventure, and the Chicago Bears, the once mighty Monsters of the Midway, are going to be in last place. Mike Martz has effed up this offense enough, and when you effectively block Julius Peppers, as was done when he was a part-time star with us, the rest of the defense crumbles. Mark THAT down, too. Bears in LAST PLACE.

1- GREEN BAY
2- DETROIT
3- MINI-SODA
4- CHICAGO

The REAL power this year in the NFL? OUR division, home sweet NFC South home. While the Duckies seem loaded, I just can’t give it to them, when Tampa Bay and New Orleans are still quite capable of kicking their ass. Can the Suckaneers finally NOT suck? The Duckie’s defense is still not Super-Bowl caliber, and the Saint’s defense is near-non existant. And next year, the Panthers will come to play, I guarantee it. I’m feeling a tremor in the Force, and it’s coming from the Gulf of Mexico…

1- TAMPA BAY
2- ATLANTA
3- NEW ORLEANS
4- *sigh* *again* CAROLINA

The weakest division in YEARS fielded a 7-9 team in the playoffs last season. There should be a law against that, really. Perhaps the NFL should seed their teams like the NBA does to prevent that bullsh**t. While all four teams should improve a bit, none of these teams are scaring anyone, unless you are facing the Lambs in the EJ Dome in St Looey. The home dome is enough for me to pick the Lambs first. And Jim Harbaugh will have the Phoney-Niners playing out of the Andrew Luck derby. But Arid-Zona and Seattle will fighting for him –

1- ST LOUIS
2- SAN FRANCISCO
3- SEATTLE
4- ARID-ZONA

Ok, with that said, you’ve got your division winners in the AFC as New Englandland, Hoostun, Pissburgh and San Diego. The Browns, yes, THE BROWNS, get one of the wild cards, and the J*E*T*S get the other.
Houston dispatches the Browns, the Chargers ground the Jets. The Pastry-Rots herd the Texans, the Chargers UPSET the Squeelers. New EnglandGland negates the Chargers to win the conference.
In our home conference, you’ve got the division winners in Philthy, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and St. Looey. The wild cards will be Detroit and Atlanta. Detroit FLEECES the Lambs, and the Duckies quack out the Iggles, but meet the Packers again with similar results from last postseason. Whoa, DETROIT BEATS THE BUCS, and the Packers BARELY beat the LEOS, who have come very far in killing the haunting pestilence of Matt Millen. The Packers then repeat by humbling a conniving, cheating Belli-cheat in Super Bowl Indianapolis, where Peyton Manning gets a serious chance to hone his television journalist chops and put some serious heat on EVERY SINGLE SPORTS SHOW HOST ON EVERY MAJOR NETWORK, and THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CHRIS BERMAN –

There you go, sports fans. The purest, most accurate forecast you could ever hope to find in piles and piles of overpriced paper. Come to the lot and toast my most excellent clairvoyance with the beverage of your choice, and don’t forget to tip your tailgating hosts.

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CaptnTee@aol.com