THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLAIRVOYANCES - WEEK 1

Ahhhhhhh – the first week of REAL FOOTBALL!

It is not lost on me that this NFL season begins on September 11th, the day when New York firefighters and policemen gave their lives to rescue others in the most dastardly attack on America –EVER. The sneaky Japs bombed MILLITARY TARGETS at Pearl Harbor in ’41. This was a simply evil, inhuman attack on CIVILLIAN targets, full of no one but INNOCENT NON-COMBATANTS! If Al Queda and their sub-human allies want to REALLY insure their TOTAL ERADICATION, they’ll try something at one of 15 NFL stadiums around the county this Sunday. Americans WON’T TOLERATE screwin’ up our FOOTBALL! But in our zeal for hard-hitting sports action, let us not forget those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, those who continue to make that sacrifice, and those who were just living their lives, and were taken needlessly by Satan’s henchmen. Ok, enough editorializing. That was a painful day, and I’m not looking forward to reliving it. On to the subject at hand.

For those of us with stakes in our fantasy leagues, we look at the weekly slate of games with MUCH anticipation as we try to manage our carefully constructed teams to victory – I am no exception to this group of testosterone-poisoned organisms. So I turn to the latest Vegas line to help you along with endeavor. Read on, football fan, and place your bets with CONFIDENCE!

We start with the official start to the season brought to you on Thursday night –

GREEN BAY vs. NEW ORLEANS
Like I said in my season predictions, Green Bay hasn’t done much to get worse – they are already a powerhouse, and they believe in themselves, and have permanently disposed of the tainted Favre legacy. The Saints have had some turnover, particularly on defense. The offense is still plenty strong, but I see matchup problems all over the place in this one. Pack’s favored by -4, and I would certainly take that.

And now, the Sunday games –

BALTY-MOORE vs. PISSBURGH

The Squeelers continue to be a perennial powerhouse, but I think the Ravens showed some serious weaknesses coming down the stretch, particularly in the postseason. The defense has gotten old, and Flacco has gone to creating some untimely turnovers. Wrong team favored in this one. Take the Squeelers and the +2 ½.

TAMPA BAY vs. DETROIT

I’ve made no secret of it – I’m in love with the Lions this year. I’m also thinking the Suck-an-ears are going to challenge in the division. It’s hot and unbearable in Tampa in September – Take the home Bucs to win handily. Come home next week and win, Leos.

CHICAGO vs. ATLANTA

I do NOT like the Bears this year, and this game will go a long way in exposing everything that’s wrong with them. The Duckies are a rare road favorite this week, and I’d feel good about taking them and the -3 points.

KANSAS SHITTY vs. BUFFALO

I also don’t like The Chefs this year, and Matt Cassel is likely not playing in this game. And they’re favored by 6 ½? I don’t like it, friends. Remember, NO ONE circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills –
Take the Bills and the +6 ½. You’ll call me a genius on Monday.

HOUSTON vs. INDIANAPOLIS

The lines’ at -6 for the home Texans right now. The news also came out today that Peyton Manning is officially OUT for this game. I guarantee this line goes up. Kerry Collins, meet the Houston Defense.
Ouch. Texans BIG. REAL BIG in a statement game. Only Vinnie Testicle comes out of retirement to win a road game.

ST. LOUIS vs. PHILTHYDELPHIA

When you suck as long as the Lambs have done, you tend to accumulate enough high draft choices to actually field a solid team when you’re coached decently enough. I’ve seen this start to happen in St. Looey. The Iggles have some serious questions on the offensive line and their defense is a bit undersized. Meet the Lamb’s BIG O line, Philly – Take the home Lambs and the +5 points.

CLEVELAND vs. CINCINNATI

I’ve also admitted that I’m in love with the Browns this year – They get a much weakened division rival at home to start, and like Houston, will be looking to make a statement. Browns roll. Take ‘em and the -6 ½.

JACKSONVILLE vs. TENNESSEE

Why, oh why, has Del Rio jettisoned David Garrard for Josh McClown? That’s like ditching Elly Mae to go on a hot date with Miss Jane! The Titans, while a shell of their former self, DO have Matt Hasslebeck AND Chris Johnson. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Titans and the +3.

WASHINGTOON vs. NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS

The news keeps getting worse for the Gee-Men. Another defensive starter GONE for the season. No worries, Giants. You’re still playing Wrecks-Gross-Man. You’ll cover the -3 points.

ARID-ZONA vs. CAROLINA

Ok, I’m kind of put out. Is Kolb to Fitzgerald REALLY worth a -7 point advantage? Not so much the defense, but the OFFENSE of the Panthers will keep the ‘Zona D on the field longer than they want to – a much closer game than you’d anticipate. Call me crazy, and most people do, but you would do well to take the Panthers and the +7.

SAN FRANCISCO vs. SEATTLE

I really don’t like this game, as I don’t think there are really strong playmakers on either team short of Frank Gore. The line goes to the Niners, and I hesitatingly suggest you take them and the -5 ½ points.

NY JETS vs. DALLAS

Our Sunday nightcap sees the men with the stars on their hats coming to Gotham for an over-hyped Ryan bowl, as the Bros. Ryan pit defense against defense. Sexy Rexy wins this one, as the Cowboys try to find their offensive legs, and it won’t be here. Take the J*E*T*S and the -4 ½.

MIAMI vs. NEW ENGLANDLAND

The first part of the Monday Night double header finds Dr. Cheatin-Chek coming to Miami to beat up on an overmatched Dullphins squad. Think 7 points is too much? 14? Try 21. Pastry-Rots BIG. The next game will be better, which is

DENVER vs. OAKLAND

John Fox makes his debut with the Broncoids against a much improving Raiders team. He has wisely hitched his wagon to the vastly superior QB in Kyle Orton, and tonight, will Foxball the Raiders in submission. Not today, Al. Take the new-look Broncoids and the -3 points.

There you go, sports fans! Remember that my crystal clear football vision is for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling the house payment away, seek professional help.

See you in a few days with the first official in-season post game rant after the debut in the desert!

Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com