I've had an unexpected death in the family with my Grandma of 99.4 years coming to see The Lord, and I'm in the Philthydelphia area until tomorrow morning.
I'll be late with the picks, but they'll be up tomorrow night. Check in after the Tar Heels game!
30 September, 2011
27 September, 2011
DELIGHTFUL DELUGE
I had mixed feelings going into last Sunday’s game – part of me was wondering if we’d set the bar too high after two stellar performances by our new Newton – the other part was full of Panther Potion and buzzing with the party afterglow and confidence that we’d stomp the Jaggy-whyers into the Pasture of Disasture. I knew Maurice Jones-Drew was going to be a load. I had serious doubts about our defense’s ability to stop him –
What I didn’t expect, not in the least, was a downpour that could have driven any of us to pickup truckloads of gopherwood and download plans for a massive flotation device that could hold our families and two of every animal in the Piedmont. The defense had already surprised, with a safety, and some turnovers. And Cam surprised, too. I knew he’d toss a stinker sometime, I just didn’t expect him to start doin’ it in Game 3. Ok, it wasn’t quite that bad, but I’m tellin’ you, if he sails balls like he did in the first half last Sunday against a REALLY good defense, he’s gettin’ picked. No doubt. So the sky decided to dump a body of water the size of Lake Wylie onto the stadium, and most of the attendees headed for the concourse. Hell, not me, not The Wildman – not most of you, my PantherFanz readers! Football doesn’t stop for rain, snow, sleet or dark of night, and so with the most loyal of fans, we remain in our seats.
And you know what –
It was FUN!!!
Getting drenched in that warm rain, watching the players do their best to maintain their footing and their hold of the ball was a rarefied experience EVERY football fan needs to experience. Never mind that DelRio managed to get Stewie’s drive to the endzone reversed! Yeah, yeah, I know I was abuzz with Panther Potion, but I REALLY didn’t mind the rain – my mind goes back to my courtin’ days – did any of you ever get caught in the rain with your sweetie, and finally sayin’ screw it, let’s enjoy it instead of running for cover? How exciting was it getting a loving smooch in the deluge? Or something better? There’s something fundamentally romantic and enjoyable about the rain. You know, rain grows the corn, and corn makes the whiskey, and … oh whatever.
I’m going to be honest with y’all. Seeing that baseball score at halftime didn’t bother me. Did any of you think for a moment it was game over? I didn’t think so. I KNEW that we had something else for these Jaggywhyers, and sure enough, the defense and the Cam-a-lots did not disappoint, and we go home happy and decidedly damp after our first victory. I knew this – I was RIGHT about MJD. He definitely got his yards. I was SHOCKED at the continued lack of production on the ground. Yes, between Stewie and Deangelo, we notched a benny on the ground, but that ain’t gonna cut it, fanz. I DID make a comment at the end of the lockout two months ago – without the OTA’s and the necessary time required to learn the mechanizations of the coaches’ plan, we really wouldn’t see the REAL NFL teams until Week 8. Perhaps we will see the return of our beloved SteWilliams by then. And oh, what a complement to Sir Cam-a-Lot that will be!
And speaking of Newton, did you really think that he could keep up the pace of the past two weeks?
I think of something I’m pretty good at – I’m known as a fairly decent airbrush virtuoso. I don’t normally turn the air pressure up when I’m doing my best work – I’m usually working at 18PSI or lower – It doesn’t take a blast of power to knock a piece out of the park for me – And on this day, Cam didn’t need to fling the biscuit all over the field – all he needed was to get it close to the promised land. Believe it or not, I think Chudz called this on purpose, given the conditions, the team we were playing, and what the defense was giving us. Folks, I’d rather win 16 games scoring 16 points or less, than losing every week and scoring 30.
In the meantime, let’s all dry off, enjoy the victory, enjoy the growing process, and let’s get fired up about the weekend’s visit to Chi-Town and a humbling of an overrated defensive lineman from North Cacka-lacky…
That’s what I got tonight folks. I’ll be back Sattiday with the picks…
Gotta comment?
Email me –
The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
What I didn’t expect, not in the least, was a downpour that could have driven any of us to pickup truckloads of gopherwood and download plans for a massive flotation device that could hold our families and two of every animal in the Piedmont. The defense had already surprised, with a safety, and some turnovers. And Cam surprised, too. I knew he’d toss a stinker sometime, I just didn’t expect him to start doin’ it in Game 3. Ok, it wasn’t quite that bad, but I’m tellin’ you, if he sails balls like he did in the first half last Sunday against a REALLY good defense, he’s gettin’ picked. No doubt. So the sky decided to dump a body of water the size of Lake Wylie onto the stadium, and most of the attendees headed for the concourse. Hell, not me, not The Wildman – not most of you, my PantherFanz readers! Football doesn’t stop for rain, snow, sleet or dark of night, and so with the most loyal of fans, we remain in our seats.
And you know what –
It was FUN!!!
Getting drenched in that warm rain, watching the players do their best to maintain their footing and their hold of the ball was a rarefied experience EVERY football fan needs to experience. Never mind that DelRio managed to get Stewie’s drive to the endzone reversed! Yeah, yeah, I know I was abuzz with Panther Potion, but I REALLY didn’t mind the rain – my mind goes back to my courtin’ days – did any of you ever get caught in the rain with your sweetie, and finally sayin’ screw it, let’s enjoy it instead of running for cover? How exciting was it getting a loving smooch in the deluge? Or something better? There’s something fundamentally romantic and enjoyable about the rain. You know, rain grows the corn, and corn makes the whiskey, and … oh whatever.
I’m going to be honest with y’all. Seeing that baseball score at halftime didn’t bother me. Did any of you think for a moment it was game over? I didn’t think so. I KNEW that we had something else for these Jaggywhyers, and sure enough, the defense and the Cam-a-lots did not disappoint, and we go home happy and decidedly damp after our first victory. I knew this – I was RIGHT about MJD. He definitely got his yards. I was SHOCKED at the continued lack of production on the ground. Yes, between Stewie and Deangelo, we notched a benny on the ground, but that ain’t gonna cut it, fanz. I DID make a comment at the end of the lockout two months ago – without the OTA’s and the necessary time required to learn the mechanizations of the coaches’ plan, we really wouldn’t see the REAL NFL teams until Week 8. Perhaps we will see the return of our beloved SteWilliams by then. And oh, what a complement to Sir Cam-a-Lot that will be!
And speaking of Newton, did you really think that he could keep up the pace of the past two weeks?
I think of something I’m pretty good at – I’m known as a fairly decent airbrush virtuoso. I don’t normally turn the air pressure up when I’m doing my best work – I’m usually working at 18PSI or lower – It doesn’t take a blast of power to knock a piece out of the park for me – And on this day, Cam didn’t need to fling the biscuit all over the field – all he needed was to get it close to the promised land. Believe it or not, I think Chudz called this on purpose, given the conditions, the team we were playing, and what the defense was giving us. Folks, I’d rather win 16 games scoring 16 points or less, than losing every week and scoring 30.
In the meantime, let’s all dry off, enjoy the victory, enjoy the growing process, and let’s get fired up about the weekend’s visit to Chi-Town and a humbling of an overrated defensive lineman from North Cacka-lacky…
That’s what I got tonight folks. I’ll be back Sattiday with the picks…
Gotta comment?
Email me –
The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
24 September, 2011
THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 3
Well, that feels better, folks. I told you the league would reset itself, and I got considerably closer to my usual excellence, missing five games. I’m feeling even better this week – read on, and place your bets with confidence –
Let’s start with…
SAN FRANCISCO @ CINCINATTI
I’ve got a weird feeling about this game – This is basically the same two teams that played like total CRAP against the Jimmy Claussen Panthers last year. One of them lost. I will encourage you to lean to the Bungles, because A) they’re the ones who won last year at Carolina and B) the Phoney- Niners are the one who LOST to the Claussen Panthers, and historically do badly in East Coast games. I think San Francisco’s the better team, but, begrudgingly, I say take the Bungles and the 2 ½.
NEW ENGLANDLAND @ BUFFALOLAND
Only the Squeeler-Coltz game has a larger spread. Brady’s boys are favored here in Niagraville by a whopping 8 ½ points. Part of me believes its. The sensible part of me believes that the Bills have improved this much that they’ll be able to hang with the AFC’s best team evidenced by the fact that even the crappy Dullphins managed 400 yards of offense on them. I’ve been mostly right about the Bills so far – there’s no doubt that the Pastry-Rots are superior, but this is the NFL, and almost anything can happen – including the Bills’ covering the spread –
HOUSTON @ NEW ORLEANS
This is one of those monster inter-conference games that the Texans will need to win to be REALLY taken seriously this year. No fear Houston, you’ve got two more coming up against the Suckaneers and the Duckies. Not this one. Resurgent Saints by -4. Get Arian Foster back, and we’ll talk.
NY GIANTS @ PHILTYDELPHIA
Two HURTING teams square off in LibertyTown to make an early season charge at the UNDEFEATED Warshingtoon FredSkins. I can’t tell you how weird it is for me to write that. Looks like Mike Vick starts for the Iggles this week, and that could be enough for me to lean to Philthy’s side. The line’s STILL off at this writing. Pick the Iggles. The GEEEEEMen are out of fake injury time outs.
MIAMI @ CLEVELANDLAND
The Browns let me down in the season opener, and I’m not yet over that, especially since I made the early season playoff prediction for them. But this is the DULLFINS, for Pete’s sake! I do agree it would be good for the Phish to take it on the road and get away from their disheartened fans, and cause some heartache to Cleveland’s fans. I don’t think the team’s that good. Begrudgingly again, I tell you to LEAN to the Brownies and the -2 ½ points.
DENVER @ TENNESSEE
This point spread amazes me. A whopping -6 ½ for the Titans? Do they think that Hasslebeck’s that awesome? Orton’s the better QB, but if Chris Johnson gets going, it could be problematic for John Fox’s new defense. Orton needs receivers, especially since Eddie Royal’s on the bench. I still think there’s enough Foxball in Denver to keep it close. Take the Foxballer Broncoids and the +6 ½.
DETROIT @ MINI-SODA
Just like Houston, this is the game the Leos are going to need to win to be REALLY taken seriously by the league and the media. Should be easy. Stop Peterson. Make McSnabb beat you. Don’t turn the ball over, and the Leos blow this one out.
JACKSONVILLE @ CAROLINA
This game scares me, and I’ll tell you why –
Maurice Jones-Drew.
The stud running back is the best that the Panthers have seen so far, and our wretched defense is going to have to stack the box, leaving the rookie quarterback having to pass. Sound familiar? Conversely, the Jagz’ defense is pretty wretched, too. I have a feeling this is going to wind up being a track meet between two confident offenses, although we have the better receivers. Sorry Fanz. I’m likin’ the Jaggy-whyers to keep it close – REAL CLOSE. Cats win, but Jagz cover the 3 ½. The Panthers are a historically crappy home favorite when it comes to the spread.
KANSAS SHITTY @ SAN DIEGO
I have a feeling Indianapolis will win a game before the woebound Chefs do. Pick a number above 14 ½. Boltz win.
NY J*E*T*S @ CrOAKLAND
Here’s another spread that amazes me. The Jets’ offense STILL doesn’t have its legs, and now they’re going west to a resurgent Raiders team? Ghastly if you’re a Jets fan. I like the Raider’s offense to have enough punch to overcome the formidable NY D to cover the 3 ½, and likely even win. Keep it on the ground more than you throw, Hue Jackson, and you’ll do just that.
BALTLY-MOORE @ ST. LOOEY
The Lambs are getting the Ravens at the very worst time. Smarting after their collapse against the Titans, the Lambs are vastly undermanned before the enraged Boyz from Balty-Moore. I like the Ravens BIG over the injury-struck Laaaaaambs.
ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY
An early NFC South showdown gets a 4.00 start, and a stadium full of drunk Suckaneer fans gets to cheer their team to victory, and a tie for first in the most contentious and competitive division in the league. The Duckies traditionally are not as effective on REAL grass as they are on their fast track under the dome. I expect them to wilt in the Tampa afternoon sun. Take the Sucky-Neers and the 1 ½.
ARID-ZONA @ SEATTLE
I’ve heard some rumblings that this could be a “trap” game for these Cardy-Noles. If it is, someone take Coach Weisenhut’s Man Card. The Cardy-Noles are a vastly superior team. It should bear itself out in the final score, which will be the Noles covering the -3 ½ points.
GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO
If there was ever a “trap” game for the Packers, it was last week. Don’t think they wouldn’t get geeked up about this one! The Bears looked lackadaisical against the Saints last week – and the Packers are a better team. I like the Pack BIG in this one. Packers, easily, with the 3 ½.
PISSBURGH @ INDIANAPOLIS
A good Sunday night to spend talking to your wife, if you don’t have fantasy players involved in this one. Without Manning, you can’t tell me that this team is already playing out the string. I hate to tell you this, but the Squeelers take this one early. Take ‘em and the -10 ½. I’ll check the score at halftime, and hit the sack. Budget your late night football watching time for Monday Night’s game which is…
WARSHINGTOON @ DALLAS
I’m beginning to grow some serious respect for Tony Romo after last week’s performance at San Francisco, not just because he starts for my Mighty Nimrods – Coming off the bench with not only a broken rib, but a punctured lung, to rally his team for a BIG conference win, has GOT to rally his Cowboys team! I think Coach Garrett’s playing this close to the vest – Jon Kitna will be ready on the bench, but for morale’s sake, I’ll bet that Romo starts in this one. The line’s STILL off on this one, and I have bedrock internal resistance to picking a team that Wrecks Grossman starts for. The juice is poured out in abundance for the Cowboys. Take ‘em to win.
There you go, Fanz! A week 3 to bank on! Some of you I will see in the lot tomorrow –
Last week – 11-5
Season - 17-14
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Let’s start with…
SAN FRANCISCO @ CINCINATTI
I’ve got a weird feeling about this game – This is basically the same two teams that played like total CRAP against the Jimmy Claussen Panthers last year. One of them lost. I will encourage you to lean to the Bungles, because A) they’re the ones who won last year at Carolina and B) the Phoney- Niners are the one who LOST to the Claussen Panthers, and historically do badly in East Coast games. I think San Francisco’s the better team, but, begrudgingly, I say take the Bungles and the 2 ½.
NEW ENGLANDLAND @ BUFFALOLAND
Only the Squeeler-Coltz game has a larger spread. Brady’s boys are favored here in Niagraville by a whopping 8 ½ points. Part of me believes its. The sensible part of me believes that the Bills have improved this much that they’ll be able to hang with the AFC’s best team evidenced by the fact that even the crappy Dullphins managed 400 yards of offense on them. I’ve been mostly right about the Bills so far – there’s no doubt that the Pastry-Rots are superior, but this is the NFL, and almost anything can happen – including the Bills’ covering the spread –
HOUSTON @ NEW ORLEANS
This is one of those monster inter-conference games that the Texans will need to win to be REALLY taken seriously this year. No fear Houston, you’ve got two more coming up against the Suckaneers and the Duckies. Not this one. Resurgent Saints by -4. Get Arian Foster back, and we’ll talk.
NY GIANTS @ PHILTYDELPHIA
Two HURTING teams square off in LibertyTown to make an early season charge at the UNDEFEATED Warshingtoon FredSkins. I can’t tell you how weird it is for me to write that. Looks like Mike Vick starts for the Iggles this week, and that could be enough for me to lean to Philthy’s side. The line’s STILL off at this writing. Pick the Iggles. The GEEEEEMen are out of fake injury time outs.
MIAMI @ CLEVELANDLAND
The Browns let me down in the season opener, and I’m not yet over that, especially since I made the early season playoff prediction for them. But this is the DULLFINS, for Pete’s sake! I do agree it would be good for the Phish to take it on the road and get away from their disheartened fans, and cause some heartache to Cleveland’s fans. I don’t think the team’s that good. Begrudgingly again, I tell you to LEAN to the Brownies and the -2 ½ points.
DENVER @ TENNESSEE
This point spread amazes me. A whopping -6 ½ for the Titans? Do they think that Hasslebeck’s that awesome? Orton’s the better QB, but if Chris Johnson gets going, it could be problematic for John Fox’s new defense. Orton needs receivers, especially since Eddie Royal’s on the bench. I still think there’s enough Foxball in Denver to keep it close. Take the Foxballer Broncoids and the +6 ½.
DETROIT @ MINI-SODA
Just like Houston, this is the game the Leos are going to need to win to be REALLY taken seriously by the league and the media. Should be easy. Stop Peterson. Make McSnabb beat you. Don’t turn the ball over, and the Leos blow this one out.
JACKSONVILLE @ CAROLINA
This game scares me, and I’ll tell you why –
Maurice Jones-Drew.
The stud running back is the best that the Panthers have seen so far, and our wretched defense is going to have to stack the box, leaving the rookie quarterback having to pass. Sound familiar? Conversely, the Jagz’ defense is pretty wretched, too. I have a feeling this is going to wind up being a track meet between two confident offenses, although we have the better receivers. Sorry Fanz. I’m likin’ the Jaggy-whyers to keep it close – REAL CLOSE. Cats win, but Jagz cover the 3 ½. The Panthers are a historically crappy home favorite when it comes to the spread.
KANSAS SHITTY @ SAN DIEGO
I have a feeling Indianapolis will win a game before the woebound Chefs do. Pick a number above 14 ½. Boltz win.
NY J*E*T*S @ CrOAKLAND
Here’s another spread that amazes me. The Jets’ offense STILL doesn’t have its legs, and now they’re going west to a resurgent Raiders team? Ghastly if you’re a Jets fan. I like the Raider’s offense to have enough punch to overcome the formidable NY D to cover the 3 ½, and likely even win. Keep it on the ground more than you throw, Hue Jackson, and you’ll do just that.
BALTLY-MOORE @ ST. LOOEY
The Lambs are getting the Ravens at the very worst time. Smarting after their collapse against the Titans, the Lambs are vastly undermanned before the enraged Boyz from Balty-Moore. I like the Ravens BIG over the injury-struck Laaaaaambs.
ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY
An early NFC South showdown gets a 4.00 start, and a stadium full of drunk Suckaneer fans gets to cheer their team to victory, and a tie for first in the most contentious and competitive division in the league. The Duckies traditionally are not as effective on REAL grass as they are on their fast track under the dome. I expect them to wilt in the Tampa afternoon sun. Take the Sucky-Neers and the 1 ½.
ARID-ZONA @ SEATTLE
I’ve heard some rumblings that this could be a “trap” game for these Cardy-Noles. If it is, someone take Coach Weisenhut’s Man Card. The Cardy-Noles are a vastly superior team. It should bear itself out in the final score, which will be the Noles covering the -3 ½ points.
GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO
If there was ever a “trap” game for the Packers, it was last week. Don’t think they wouldn’t get geeked up about this one! The Bears looked lackadaisical against the Saints last week – and the Packers are a better team. I like the Pack BIG in this one. Packers, easily, with the 3 ½.
PISSBURGH @ INDIANAPOLIS
A good Sunday night to spend talking to your wife, if you don’t have fantasy players involved in this one. Without Manning, you can’t tell me that this team is already playing out the string. I hate to tell you this, but the Squeelers take this one early. Take ‘em and the -10 ½. I’ll check the score at halftime, and hit the sack. Budget your late night football watching time for Monday Night’s game which is…
WARSHINGTOON @ DALLAS
I’m beginning to grow some serious respect for Tony Romo after last week’s performance at San Francisco, not just because he starts for my Mighty Nimrods – Coming off the bench with not only a broken rib, but a punctured lung, to rally his team for a BIG conference win, has GOT to rally his Cowboys team! I think Coach Garrett’s playing this close to the vest – Jon Kitna will be ready on the bench, but for morale’s sake, I’ll bet that Romo starts in this one. The line’s STILL off on this one, and I have bedrock internal resistance to picking a team that Wrecks Grossman starts for. The juice is poured out in abundance for the Cowboys. Take ‘em to win.
There you go, Fanz! A week 3 to bank on! Some of you I will see in the lot tomorrow –
Last week – 11-5
Season - 17-14
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
21 September, 2011
BELIEVE
I take my tired, coughing, machine-greased self to the keyboard to write my percolating rant after our raucous home opener with some strong opinions about the game, the team, and things related to the team.
These will be some “quick hitters” as this week is proving not to be conducive to an extended verbal effusing.
I believe, first and foremost, now more than last week, that Cam Newton is the REAL DEAL. I believe that he can only get better, and better. I also believe he will have a stinker or two. All the greats have them. But I definitely believe that this young man is the face of our franchise.
I believe that media mavens will take a look at the Nielsens, and schedule the Panthers for at least a pair of 4 o’clock games this season, if Cam Newton continues to perform, and I see no reason why he wouldn’t, barring injury. Perhaps we’ll even see a Sunday Night game. I CERTAINLY believe, without a doubt, that the Panthers go some prime time next season.
I believe that our home games will be as exciting as they were last week. I believe that the bandwagon fans will replace fans of the visiting team as the team continues to improve. I believe that we will once again develop a home field advantage. I believe that Panther fans had more fun last week than they had in ALL of last season, and that INCLUDES the two wins we eeeked out over the juggernauts Arid-zona and the Phoney-Niners.
I believe that the YAZ tour was one of the best invites we’ve had in a long time. I also believe that I’m a dangerous dude with a little bit more Panther Potion than is required. And I also believe that we should administer Panther Potion at every tailgate we can. I also believe that the PantherFanz tailgate IS the pre-game event, every home game. The testimony of the YAZ folks has proved that out. I was honoured to see the PantherFanz logo on top of the inflatable “beacon” on top of their immense RV last Sunday.
And I believe that I caught a punishing but fun buzz last Sunday.
I believe that we had control of the game against the Packers. I also believe that had Steve Smith NOT made that egregious fumble in the third quarter, the outcome of the game is different, and the media froths and foams over this team even more than they are now.
I believe that while bad, tossing a pair of picks to a certain future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson is not something to beat yourself up for. It’s like losing a lightsaber duel to Luke Skywalker.
I believe that we absolutely, positively, have to run the ball more than we have. Cam will be far more effective if our ground game produces more yards. More ground game yards? More wins. I do believe this.
I believe that Thomas Davis, sadly, has played his last down as a Carolina Panther.
I believe that Jon BEASTon WILL be back, and as good as ever.
I believe that the Panther defense will struggle all year, and be the ten-ton wheight chained around the offense.
Subesquently, I believe that NEXT season's draft will be largely defensive. Don't take a Cedar Street Seer to figger THAT out!
I believe that 0-2 for us in the way we got there is not necessarily bad. I also believe that the time for moral victories is past. I believe that NOW is the time for a few wins. And I believe we will get them. Starting this Sunday.
I believe that this conference realignment in the NCAA is bad. It’s about nothing but the money. IF the NCAA REALLY wanted to fill their pockets, they’d go to a playoff to decide the mythical national championship. I really, REALLY, REALLY, believe that.
I believe that I’ve improved in my prognostication in one short week. I believe that I’ll continue to call games correctly for the remainder of the season.
And,
I believe I’ll be back on Saturday for that weekly prognostication.
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
These will be some “quick hitters” as this week is proving not to be conducive to an extended verbal effusing.
I believe, first and foremost, now more than last week, that Cam Newton is the REAL DEAL. I believe that he can only get better, and better. I also believe he will have a stinker or two. All the greats have them. But I definitely believe that this young man is the face of our franchise.
I believe that media mavens will take a look at the Nielsens, and schedule the Panthers for at least a pair of 4 o’clock games this season, if Cam Newton continues to perform, and I see no reason why he wouldn’t, barring injury. Perhaps we’ll even see a Sunday Night game. I CERTAINLY believe, without a doubt, that the Panthers go some prime time next season.
I believe that our home games will be as exciting as they were last week. I believe that the bandwagon fans will replace fans of the visiting team as the team continues to improve. I believe that we will once again develop a home field advantage. I believe that Panther fans had more fun last week than they had in ALL of last season, and that INCLUDES the two wins we eeeked out over the juggernauts Arid-zona and the Phoney-Niners.
I believe that the YAZ tour was one of the best invites we’ve had in a long time. I also believe that I’m a dangerous dude with a little bit more Panther Potion than is required. And I also believe that we should administer Panther Potion at every tailgate we can. I also believe that the PantherFanz tailgate IS the pre-game event, every home game. The testimony of the YAZ folks has proved that out. I was honoured to see the PantherFanz logo on top of the inflatable “beacon” on top of their immense RV last Sunday.
And I believe that I caught a punishing but fun buzz last Sunday.
I believe that we had control of the game against the Packers. I also believe that had Steve Smith NOT made that egregious fumble in the third quarter, the outcome of the game is different, and the media froths and foams over this team even more than they are now.
I believe that while bad, tossing a pair of picks to a certain future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson is not something to beat yourself up for. It’s like losing a lightsaber duel to Luke Skywalker.
I believe that we absolutely, positively, have to run the ball more than we have. Cam will be far more effective if our ground game produces more yards. More ground game yards? More wins. I do believe this.
I believe that Thomas Davis, sadly, has played his last down as a Carolina Panther.
I believe that Jon BEASTon WILL be back, and as good as ever.
I believe that the Panther defense will struggle all year, and be the ten-ton wheight chained around the offense.
Subesquently, I believe that NEXT season's draft will be largely defensive. Don't take a Cedar Street Seer to figger THAT out!
I believe that 0-2 for us in the way we got there is not necessarily bad. I also believe that the time for moral victories is past. I believe that NOW is the time for a few wins. And I believe we will get them. Starting this Sunday.
I believe that this conference realignment in the NCAA is bad. It’s about nothing but the money. IF the NCAA REALLY wanted to fill their pockets, they’d go to a playoff to decide the mythical national championship. I really, REALLY, REALLY, believe that.
I believe that I’ve improved in my prognostication in one short week. I believe that I’ll continue to call games correctly for the remainder of the season.
And,
I believe I’ll be back on Saturday for that weekly prognostication.
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
15 September, 2011
THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 2
What a Week 1 that was! Individual and team performances surprised and SHOCKED fans and media mavens nationwide –
Whodathunk that –
-Pissburgh would look as inept, old, and tired as they did against their BITTEREST rival? Not me!
-Donovan McSnabb would look much the same against the Chargers? Not me!
-Buffalo would be a total JUGGERNAUT against the Chefs? I knew they’d win, but NOT by 30+ points!
-That the Leos wouldn’t wilt in the withering Tampa sun -
-Miami would lay down for Tommy Terrific the way they did? Not by 520 yards!
-Wrecks Grossman would come through like he did for the DeadSkins? I wouldn’t have dreamed it!
-The Duckies quacking like suffering waterfowl to an inferior Bears team? I’m glad, but no!
- That Cam Newton would light up the Cardynoles like he did? I was greatly surprised, but not like the national media was!
-AND that not only did YOUR Cedar Street Seer COMPLETELY OVERLOOK handicapping the Vikings-Chargers game, but also went 6 and 9 for his first week?
What I DID correctly foresee WAS –
-Indy totally losing their wheels in Hoostun –
-Buffalo starting strong (but not THAT STRONG!)
-The Panthers keeping things competitive
-The J*E*T*S beating the Cowboys (although I thought it would be worse than 3 points!)
-That the nation would once again see Foxball being played in Denver (but I thought they’d win!)
-The Pastry-Rots overcoming the Dull-Phins.
Amazing stuff, y’all.
I have a feeling the league resets itself this week, but some things that began last week will continue this week – read on faithful NFL fan…
CHICAGO @ NEW ORLEANS
This is where we get to see the Bears for real. But for some botched special teams play, the Saints may have actually WON their match in TitleTown. And perhaps, there’s something to be said about the Duckies on REAL grass- AND – either Brian Urlacher is mega-bummed about his mom passing this week –or mega-motivated – He COULD determine the outcome, but I’m thinking they come back down to earth in the SuperDome. 7’s a LOT of points, but one Drew Brees pass would cover that. Take the Saints.
KANSAS SHITTY @ DETROIT
Well, well, Leos! You didn’t wilt like I thought you would! And you get the closest thing in the NFL to a gimme! If Buffalo whooped the Chefs at home like so much sour cream, can you imagine what a fired-up Lions team will do? This is when the good teams make hay – Wait- does that mean I think that Detroit’s a GOOD team? You damn right I do. Leos BIG, and more than that -8!
JACKSONVILLE @ NY J*E*T*S
The Jaggy-whyers managed to fend off a listless Titans team last week, and the Jet’s defense overcame an ordinary offense to secure a home victory. Jacksonville’s not Dallas, but ordinary’s still ordinary. I don’t think Sanchez and company have their mid-season legs yet, but that defense is good enough to make a serious difference. Do I think it’s 9 ½ points worth? EEEEEEHHHHHH---- I’m sayin’ it’s a pretty good chance. Take the J*E*T*S and the -9 ½.
CrOAKLAND @ BUFFALO
The Raiders’ game last week was sloppy and hard to watch, but there’s no questioning there’s a new energy in the OTHER Bay city. It will carry over to the trip here to Niagraville. The Bills are improving, but so are the Raiders. Look for an evenly played game, more defensive than offensive that will surely come to a field goal. I like the Raiders to cover the +4 points.
ARID-ZONA @ WARSHINGTOON
I know, I know, the Cardy-noles NEVER do well on the East Coast, and I would do well to pick against them, but cripesey-jimminy, it’s WRECKS GROSSMAN!!! I can’t, can’t, CAN’T pick a team that starts Grossman! The Giants were decimated defensively, and the Cardy-noles are actually better from a personnel standpoint. Kolb’s got a chance to at least make folks forget Kurt Warner for another week. Take the Cardy-Dogs and the +4 points.
BALTY-MOORE @ TENNESSEE
Chris Johnson looked like he just woke up last week against the Jags, a team they should have run roughshod over. The Ravens looked BRILLIANT against the Squeelers at home. Defense and running game ALWAYS travel well in this league, and after what I saw last week – I’m afraid I’m going to have to eat my words about an aging Ravens team I wrote two weeks ago. Ravens roll, despite a much improved performance by CJ.
SEATTLE @ PISSBURGH
Now, this game’s a headscratcher. The Squeelers are a -14 POINT favorite at home! I know that Seattle sucks this year, but that’s a slap in the face if you ask me - I GUARANTEE that number’s been posted in the SeaDog’s locker room all week. Don’t think that Pete Carroll hasn’t used that to motivate his vastly inferior team. But, after last week, I’m inclined to think of Pissburgh as more a paper tiger than a returning division champion. I’m going out on a limb – The Squeelers will certainly win, but Carroll will find a way to keep it close. Remember what I told you about the Bills last week? I was right, yes? Take the SeaDogs and the +14 points. Then you’ll be CONVINCED I’m a genius by Monday Morning. There’s something fundamentally WRONG with Pissburgh, and it will be even MORE manifest with this home victory.
GREEN BAY @ CAROLINA
Now, THIS is the game I had anticipated seeing a 14 point spread on, but it’s gone down to +10 for the PuddyCats, and I’d suspect it may move even further by kickoff. The Panthers had something to prove last week, and this week they get a chance to prove it further. I don’t question the fact that the Packers are a superior football team, but OUR Panthers don’t suck NEARLY as bad as we had feared, ESPECIALLY on offense. If Chudz can get the running game going, Capers will have to change his offensive strategy to keep the Panthers from controlling the clock, and the game. I’m anticipating another vastly entertaining shootout at the Stadium the PSL’s built. Cats covered last week, they’ll cover this week. Take the Panthers and the +10. 0-2 never felt so good…
TAMPA BAY @ MINI-SODA
If the Suck-an-ears are a 48 oz. “Big Gulp” than Donovan McSnabb’s one of those weeny little cans of soda you get at the hospital. When a pro athlete loses his edge, it’s fast, and it’s humbling, and I hate to see it happen to a man of Donovan’s caliber. If he struggles in this game, don’t be surprised to see Christian Ponder get his shot. In this game. All Tampa has to do to win is stop Peterson. Wrong team favored, folks. Sucky-neers win this one.
CLEVELAND @ INDIANAPOLIS
Alright, Browns – you’ve got one more week to get this right. The Colts looked simply awful at Houston last week, despite, amazingly enough, Kerry Collins posting an eventual better rating than winning QB Schaub. It’s those turnovers, bro. The Colts will already be playing desperate, don’t YOU do the same! If you are going to make a run, you HAD to start LAST WEEK against a vastly inferior Bungles squad! The run starts now, I’d think. Begrudgingly, I’m tellin’ you to lean to the Browns, FAVORED, on the ROAD and the – 2 ½. Although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Kerry and Co. pull this out, and I’ll not pick the Browns again.
^@#%$&$@_(*teasers....@(!*^@#!*(%
DALLAS @ SAN FRANCISCO
If Tony Romo doesn’t turn the ball over, The Cowboys make the legion of obnoxious fans spend this whole week on sports talk radio annoying the hell out of us with their “WE’RE BACK” garbage. Their offense, despite the miscues, is quite talented, and can hang on the field with virtually any defense, as was proved out last week. The Niners had a decent start against a horrible Seadogs team at home, but the Seadogs, like I said, are pretty bad. Dallas is a much superior team offensively, if they don’t shoot themselves in the arse. Oh, boy, rest of us fans – Get ready – here comes a Cowboys blowout. Stanley from Sacramento will be getting hung up on more than usual next week!
HOUSTON @ MIAMI
Remember what I said about making hay? Time to feed the hosses, Texans – Foster’s comin’ back, and will have not missed a step running against that wretched Dullphins defense. I don’t care if its home in Florida – If the Leos didn’t wilt in Tampa, the Texans certainly WON’T in Miami. Hell, it’s hotter in HOOSTUN than MIAMI – And what’s this GARBAGE with Miami actually FAVORED???!!!! That’s gotta be a misprint – Look for that line to go down. You’d be crazy not to take the Texans and ANY spread…
SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLANDLAND
This is when Tommy Terrific comes back down to earth. The Chargers are a more complete team than Miami. It will bear itself out with the way the game’s played. I think Rivers and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs put a lot of pressure on the Pastry-Rots. If Miami managed 400 yards on this defense, I think the ‘Boltz can certainly ring up at least the same. Pats fans, you MAY want to follow Tommy Tee’s advice and start drinkin’! Take the Chargers and the +6 ½.
CINCINATTI @ DENVER
You know it’s bad in Denver if after ONE WEEK, the cries are already loudly clanging for Tim Tebow –
Come on, y’all! Do you think that for ONE SECOND that Foxy would put that overgrown halfback in over Brady Quinn? Give it up. Not happenin. You’re getting Foxball again, which I’m counting on working better against a beat-up Bungles team that eked out a miracle win against the Brownies on the road, than against your most bitter of rivals. I’m doin’ it again, kids. Take Foxball and the -4 ½, and Orton-hears- a-Who is safe for one more week. The legend of Tim Tebow gets a little larger…
PHILTHADELPHIA @ ATLANTA
This game was huge two years ago, but it was Donovan McSnabb dealin’ the pain. This year, it’s Vick’s turn. Don’t think he WON’T be juiced to see all of the red “7” jerseys in the Georgia Dome – he’s full of crap if he denies it – Something looked wretchedly wrong with the Duckies last week against a team they should have THROTTLED! I think we’ll see a team that more closely resembles the track team of last year – HOWEVER – they were exposed by Green Bay in the playoffs, and to this date, don’t look any different – Did you know that the Duckies didn’t win a SINGLE preseason game? May be something to that. The Iggles, on the other hand, played magnificently on the road IN a DOME, despite being outsized on both lines. I’d say that’s terrific coaching by Andy Reid’s staff. The Iggles may be tested early, but it’s Vick and company that overcome. Take Philthy and the -2 ½.
ST. LOOEY at NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
This is a beat-up Giants team, especially on defense. Good thing for them that the Lambs wound up hemorrhaging off vital parts of their offensive attack, or this might be uglier than I think it’s going to be. The Giants are dinged up offensively, too, but St. Looey plays differently out of that dome. I like the GEEE Men to cover that -4 ½ points at home.
There! All 16 teams picked this week!
See you all in the lot for a great season opening tail gate as we welcome Steve Tate “The Owner” and the YAZ TOUR boys –
Last week – 6 and 9
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Whodathunk that –
-Pissburgh would look as inept, old, and tired as they did against their BITTEREST rival? Not me!
-Donovan McSnabb would look much the same against the Chargers? Not me!
-Buffalo would be a total JUGGERNAUT against the Chefs? I knew they’d win, but NOT by 30+ points!
-That the Leos wouldn’t wilt in the withering Tampa sun -
-Miami would lay down for Tommy Terrific the way they did? Not by 520 yards!
-Wrecks Grossman would come through like he did for the DeadSkins? I wouldn’t have dreamed it!
-The Duckies quacking like suffering waterfowl to an inferior Bears team? I’m glad, but no!
- That Cam Newton would light up the Cardynoles like he did? I was greatly surprised, but not like the national media was!
-AND that not only did YOUR Cedar Street Seer COMPLETELY OVERLOOK handicapping the Vikings-Chargers game, but also went 6 and 9 for his first week?
What I DID correctly foresee WAS –
-Indy totally losing their wheels in Hoostun –
-Buffalo starting strong (but not THAT STRONG!)
-The Panthers keeping things competitive
-The J*E*T*S beating the Cowboys (although I thought it would be worse than 3 points!)
-That the nation would once again see Foxball being played in Denver (but I thought they’d win!)
-The Pastry-Rots overcoming the Dull-Phins.
Amazing stuff, y’all.
I have a feeling the league resets itself this week, but some things that began last week will continue this week – read on faithful NFL fan…
CHICAGO @ NEW ORLEANS
This is where we get to see the Bears for real. But for some botched special teams play, the Saints may have actually WON their match in TitleTown. And perhaps, there’s something to be said about the Duckies on REAL grass- AND – either Brian Urlacher is mega-bummed about his mom passing this week –or mega-motivated – He COULD determine the outcome, but I’m thinking they come back down to earth in the SuperDome. 7’s a LOT of points, but one Drew Brees pass would cover that. Take the Saints.
KANSAS SHITTY @ DETROIT
Well, well, Leos! You didn’t wilt like I thought you would! And you get the closest thing in the NFL to a gimme! If Buffalo whooped the Chefs at home like so much sour cream, can you imagine what a fired-up Lions team will do? This is when the good teams make hay – Wait- does that mean I think that Detroit’s a GOOD team? You damn right I do. Leos BIG, and more than that -8!
JACKSONVILLE @ NY J*E*T*S
The Jaggy-whyers managed to fend off a listless Titans team last week, and the Jet’s defense overcame an ordinary offense to secure a home victory. Jacksonville’s not Dallas, but ordinary’s still ordinary. I don’t think Sanchez and company have their mid-season legs yet, but that defense is good enough to make a serious difference. Do I think it’s 9 ½ points worth? EEEEEEHHHHHH---- I’m sayin’ it’s a pretty good chance. Take the J*E*T*S and the -9 ½.
CrOAKLAND @ BUFFALO
The Raiders’ game last week was sloppy and hard to watch, but there’s no questioning there’s a new energy in the OTHER Bay city. It will carry over to the trip here to Niagraville. The Bills are improving, but so are the Raiders. Look for an evenly played game, more defensive than offensive that will surely come to a field goal. I like the Raiders to cover the +4 points.
ARID-ZONA @ WARSHINGTOON
I know, I know, the Cardy-noles NEVER do well on the East Coast, and I would do well to pick against them, but cripesey-jimminy, it’s WRECKS GROSSMAN!!! I can’t, can’t, CAN’T pick a team that starts Grossman! The Giants were decimated defensively, and the Cardy-noles are actually better from a personnel standpoint. Kolb’s got a chance to at least make folks forget Kurt Warner for another week. Take the Cardy-Dogs and the +4 points.
BALTY-MOORE @ TENNESSEE
Chris Johnson looked like he just woke up last week against the Jags, a team they should have run roughshod over. The Ravens looked BRILLIANT against the Squeelers at home. Defense and running game ALWAYS travel well in this league, and after what I saw last week – I’m afraid I’m going to have to eat my words about an aging Ravens team I wrote two weeks ago. Ravens roll, despite a much improved performance by CJ.
SEATTLE @ PISSBURGH
Now, this game’s a headscratcher. The Squeelers are a -14 POINT favorite at home! I know that Seattle sucks this year, but that’s a slap in the face if you ask me - I GUARANTEE that number’s been posted in the SeaDog’s locker room all week. Don’t think that Pete Carroll hasn’t used that to motivate his vastly inferior team. But, after last week, I’m inclined to think of Pissburgh as more a paper tiger than a returning division champion. I’m going out on a limb – The Squeelers will certainly win, but Carroll will find a way to keep it close. Remember what I told you about the Bills last week? I was right, yes? Take the SeaDogs and the +14 points. Then you’ll be CONVINCED I’m a genius by Monday Morning. There’s something fundamentally WRONG with Pissburgh, and it will be even MORE manifest with this home victory.
GREEN BAY @ CAROLINA
Now, THIS is the game I had anticipated seeing a 14 point spread on, but it’s gone down to +10 for the PuddyCats, and I’d suspect it may move even further by kickoff. The Panthers had something to prove last week, and this week they get a chance to prove it further. I don’t question the fact that the Packers are a superior football team, but OUR Panthers don’t suck NEARLY as bad as we had feared, ESPECIALLY on offense. If Chudz can get the running game going, Capers will have to change his offensive strategy to keep the Panthers from controlling the clock, and the game. I’m anticipating another vastly entertaining shootout at the Stadium the PSL’s built. Cats covered last week, they’ll cover this week. Take the Panthers and the +10. 0-2 never felt so good…
TAMPA BAY @ MINI-SODA
If the Suck-an-ears are a 48 oz. “Big Gulp” than Donovan McSnabb’s one of those weeny little cans of soda you get at the hospital. When a pro athlete loses his edge, it’s fast, and it’s humbling, and I hate to see it happen to a man of Donovan’s caliber. If he struggles in this game, don’t be surprised to see Christian Ponder get his shot. In this game. All Tampa has to do to win is stop Peterson. Wrong team favored, folks. Sucky-neers win this one.
CLEVELAND @ INDIANAPOLIS
Alright, Browns – you’ve got one more week to get this right. The Colts looked simply awful at Houston last week, despite, amazingly enough, Kerry Collins posting an eventual better rating than winning QB Schaub. It’s those turnovers, bro. The Colts will already be playing desperate, don’t YOU do the same! If you are going to make a run, you HAD to start LAST WEEK against a vastly inferior Bungles squad! The run starts now, I’d think. Begrudgingly, I’m tellin’ you to lean to the Browns, FAVORED, on the ROAD and the – 2 ½. Although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Kerry and Co. pull this out, and I’ll not pick the Browns again.
^@#%$&$@_(*teasers....@(!*^@#!*(%
DALLAS @ SAN FRANCISCO
If Tony Romo doesn’t turn the ball over, The Cowboys make the legion of obnoxious fans spend this whole week on sports talk radio annoying the hell out of us with their “WE’RE BACK” garbage. Their offense, despite the miscues, is quite talented, and can hang on the field with virtually any defense, as was proved out last week. The Niners had a decent start against a horrible Seadogs team at home, but the Seadogs, like I said, are pretty bad. Dallas is a much superior team offensively, if they don’t shoot themselves in the arse. Oh, boy, rest of us fans – Get ready – here comes a Cowboys blowout. Stanley from Sacramento will be getting hung up on more than usual next week!
HOUSTON @ MIAMI
Remember what I said about making hay? Time to feed the hosses, Texans – Foster’s comin’ back, and will have not missed a step running against that wretched Dullphins defense. I don’t care if its home in Florida – If the Leos didn’t wilt in Tampa, the Texans certainly WON’T in Miami. Hell, it’s hotter in HOOSTUN than MIAMI – And what’s this GARBAGE with Miami actually FAVORED???!!!! That’s gotta be a misprint – Look for that line to go down. You’d be crazy not to take the Texans and ANY spread…
SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLANDLAND
This is when Tommy Terrific comes back down to earth. The Chargers are a more complete team than Miami. It will bear itself out with the way the game’s played. I think Rivers and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs put a lot of pressure on the Pastry-Rots. If Miami managed 400 yards on this defense, I think the ‘Boltz can certainly ring up at least the same. Pats fans, you MAY want to follow Tommy Tee’s advice and start drinkin’! Take the Chargers and the +6 ½.
CINCINATTI @ DENVER
You know it’s bad in Denver if after ONE WEEK, the cries are already loudly clanging for Tim Tebow –
Come on, y’all! Do you think that for ONE SECOND that Foxy would put that overgrown halfback in over Brady Quinn? Give it up. Not happenin. You’re getting Foxball again, which I’m counting on working better against a beat-up Bungles team that eked out a miracle win against the Brownies on the road, than against your most bitter of rivals. I’m doin’ it again, kids. Take Foxball and the -4 ½, and Orton-hears- a-Who is safe for one more week. The legend of Tim Tebow gets a little larger…
PHILTHADELPHIA @ ATLANTA
This game was huge two years ago, but it was Donovan McSnabb dealin’ the pain. This year, it’s Vick’s turn. Don’t think he WON’T be juiced to see all of the red “7” jerseys in the Georgia Dome – he’s full of crap if he denies it – Something looked wretchedly wrong with the Duckies last week against a team they should have THROTTLED! I think we’ll see a team that more closely resembles the track team of last year – HOWEVER – they were exposed by Green Bay in the playoffs, and to this date, don’t look any different – Did you know that the Duckies didn’t win a SINGLE preseason game? May be something to that. The Iggles, on the other hand, played magnificently on the road IN a DOME, despite being outsized on both lines. I’d say that’s terrific coaching by Andy Reid’s staff. The Iggles may be tested early, but it’s Vick and company that overcome. Take Philthy and the -2 ½.
ST. LOOEY at NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
This is a beat-up Giants team, especially on defense. Good thing for them that the Lambs wound up hemorrhaging off vital parts of their offensive attack, or this might be uglier than I think it’s going to be. The Giants are dinged up offensively, too, but St. Looey plays differently out of that dome. I like the GEEE Men to cover that -4 ½ points at home.
There! All 16 teams picked this week!
See you all in the lot for a great season opening tail gate as we welcome Steve Tate “The Owner” and the YAZ TOUR boys –
Last week – 6 and 9
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
11 September, 2011
DAZZLING IN THE DESERT
Disappointed?
Only distantly, darlings.
Dudes and Dudettes –
This could be one of the most delightful of debuts I’ve dared to cast my eyes upon. I, like most of Panther Nation, are delirious on this evening of remembrances of disaster that descended upon us one decade ago. A dour dedication detoured by a decidedly dominating dynamic of a non-Davidson director! The derisive detractors of our #1 draft pick? Diminished! The days of depression over a desiccated, demoralized, deflated and disconnected football team? Dismissed! The future cheers for our offense in BOFA? DEAFENING!
The dollars destined to be spent on Panther tickets going forward are definitively driven by the deft direction of our dazzling new star , and to deny it would be, well, downright delusional.
One Cam Newton, who, for all of his jaw-dropping poise in this debut, could not command the English language like your Cedar Street Seer who has used words that start with “D” in a paragraph like the one you just read. Admit it, it was fun, and witty. And you’re in a really great mood after what you saw this evening. And I just couldn’t wait to get my thoughts into this rant, one I was only remotely confident I’d be writing. But I had no clue I’d feel as good as I do now, even after this narrow loss.
First, let’s get this in perspective. From where we were, when there was little to no chance of our team being competitive, to see a team sling the biscuit down the field like we did that even exceeded the days of Beurlein and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs was as refreshing as stepping out of the door on an early fall morning, when the crispness of the air makes you awake and alive! To see Steve Smith perform as if he were in his prime! To see tight ends make clutch catch after clutch catch! To see the defense, yes, the defense, make plays when the whole world knows their shortcomings. I can’t think of all of the positive metaphor I can add to this – It’s like a chance meeting with the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in your life – and she LOVES all the stuff YOU do, and SHE has season tickets! And when you have your first date at the pool, you discover she looks INCREDIBLE in a two-piece! Ok, that’s just a bonus and not THAT important, but you testosterone-poisoned goobers know what I’m talking about. It’s like going to Morton’s, and after your meal, and they bring you the best dessert ever made for FREE! And the dude at the next table is Jerry Richardson, recognizes you as a Panther Fan, and BUYS YOUR DINNER for you and your “D” cup darling (hey – there’s the “D” words again!) It’s like buying the truck you always wanted, but they only had the standard version, but once you left the lot in your brand-new F150, you discover it had ALL of the extras you wanted anyway! Do I need to go on?
It’s the discovery the franchise quarterback your team drafted –
IS
THE
REAL
DEAL.
After today? There can be no question. The stats speak for themselves. No rookie EVER started a game, much less PLAYED a game in the entire season with the productivity that Cam displayed today. Of course, I’m going to have to give a tremendous amount of credit to Coach Shula, to Coach Chudzinsky, and certainly Coach Rivera for their patience, and their confidence. The poise shown by Newton today while under massive duress was not that of a rookie, but that of a seasoned veteran. The Cardy-noles were determined to blitz, early and often. They never diverted from that plan, and more often than not, he BEAT IT! And after today, the rest of the league will take notice. The sportswriters who follow the frontrunners like pre-programmed flocking birds will have to pay attention to this young, aggressive, and talented team that has determined ---
WE WILL NOT SUCK ANYMORE. When you are going to play us, you are going to have to account for EVERY INDIVIDUAL on that offense, who will play for this QB, this coaching staff, like they all received Underdog’s Super Energy Pill when they report on gameday.
And my beloved PantherFanz –
This offense is a work in progress. How much better are we going to get? Of course, I don’t want to get too high after this performance. We will see Cam have a stinker, and THIS SEASON, most certainly. But as the seasons march on, barring catastrophic injury, these malodorous performances will become fewer and fewer.
Here’s a telling shot –
At the end of today game, with a goal line shot stopped INCHES from scoring, Cam Newton returned to the sideline, a look of deject disappointment in his face. Do you think he cared that he blasted his name in the record books in HIS VERY FIRST START? He didn’t give a damn about that. HE WANTED TO WIN, AND BADLY! His teammates consoled him and congratulated him, but the drive to win is evident in this young man. And I was delighted to see that, and not the goofy smile of Julius Peppers on our sideline after a lackadaisical performance that handed a victory to our opponent in a CRITICAL game! We have just experienced the rebirth of our Carolina Panthers, friends. The excitement level for this team has just reached SEISMIC proportions! Again, barring catastrophic injury, Uncle Jerry will sell out every game this season, particularly if we perform well against the Packers next Sunday, win or lose. The old axiom about offense selling tickets will once again hold true. Not only tickets, but jerseys, product, all of the attention a shining new superstar generates. Primetime will once again romance these Panthers. If Newton continues to perform like he had today, we will be tailgating for many a night game in our future. The value of our PSL’s escalate. The most popular Christmas gift this year? The #1 jersey, for sure.
Unfortunately, the old axiom about defense winning championships also holds true. As good as our offense promises to be, the defense also has potential to be the one-ton concrete block chained to the hopes of our team. While they didn’t look as bad this evening as they had in the preseason, they gave up yardage in MONSTROUS CHUNKS to an average Cardy-noles offense. I saw some bone-headed alignments called by McDermott, particularly in the second half, which surrendered critical points that turned the game in their favour. Of course, this unit is a work in progress as well. But potential DISASTER is losing Beason, the undisputed captain of our defense. Let’s hope and pray that his injury is not serious or season –ending. It WAS good to see Thomas Davis back out on the field causing mayhem. Let’s also pray that his return is permanent.
But I certainly don’t want to end my delirious rant on a downer –
Try to imagine this, PantherFanz-
WHAT IF –
We are able to withstand the Packer’s best shot? What if we can go toe-to-toe with the Super Bowl Champs? We’ve done this before. We’ll be home, and the stadium will have a disproportionate amount of THEIR fans, but what if WE can summon the noise and sprit this team so desperately needs and DROWN out the cheers of the foamy-cheese adorned fanatics?
All of a sudden, the somber demeanor of the day has got me thinking of one of the most poignant scenes in film. When the battle for the bridge in Remelle is finished in the movie “Saving Private Ryan”, with the Allies victorious, Captain Miller, mortally wounded, clutches the titular character, and utters with his dying breath ---
“EARN THIS”
The scene changes to an elderly Ryan contemplating his life, and tearfully asks his wife for affirmation, which she lovingly gives him.
Football isn’t war, and in no way are sports the critical occupation doofuses like Dierdorf would have you believe if you listen to his annoying analysis during a game. But one thing’s for sure –
After today, with this performance –
The Carolina Panthers have earned our support and every ounce of cheering energy we can give them.
And let’s start it in the lot this Sunday!
Instead of a death march over a seemingly vastly superior opponent, now it feels like we’ve got a puncher’s chance! Hope – real, genuine hope, like we haven’t had in what feels like years –
Makes being a fan on this team feel worthwhile, at last. I’m also a realist. We weren’t expected to be very good this year, and the pundits continue to pound that in our faces in both the print and visual media. We aren’t making the playoffs this year, and I stand by my prediction of five wins, six at the max. But we are going to look VERY good doing it for the most part. There will be no shortage of exciting plays game after game, home or away.
The future looks dazzlingly bright, Fanz!
I’ll be back with the Week 2 picks in a few days –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Only distantly, darlings.
Dudes and Dudettes –
This could be one of the most delightful of debuts I’ve dared to cast my eyes upon. I, like most of Panther Nation, are delirious on this evening of remembrances of disaster that descended upon us one decade ago. A dour dedication detoured by a decidedly dominating dynamic of a non-Davidson director! The derisive detractors of our #1 draft pick? Diminished! The days of depression over a desiccated, demoralized, deflated and disconnected football team? Dismissed! The future cheers for our offense in BOFA? DEAFENING!
The dollars destined to be spent on Panther tickets going forward are definitively driven by the deft direction of our dazzling new star , and to deny it would be, well, downright delusional.
One Cam Newton, who, for all of his jaw-dropping poise in this debut, could not command the English language like your Cedar Street Seer who has used words that start with “D” in a paragraph like the one you just read. Admit it, it was fun, and witty. And you’re in a really great mood after what you saw this evening. And I just couldn’t wait to get my thoughts into this rant, one I was only remotely confident I’d be writing. But I had no clue I’d feel as good as I do now, even after this narrow loss.
First, let’s get this in perspective. From where we were, when there was little to no chance of our team being competitive, to see a team sling the biscuit down the field like we did that even exceeded the days of Beurlein and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs was as refreshing as stepping out of the door on an early fall morning, when the crispness of the air makes you awake and alive! To see Steve Smith perform as if he were in his prime! To see tight ends make clutch catch after clutch catch! To see the defense, yes, the defense, make plays when the whole world knows their shortcomings. I can’t think of all of the positive metaphor I can add to this – It’s like a chance meeting with the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in your life – and she LOVES all the stuff YOU do, and SHE has season tickets! And when you have your first date at the pool, you discover she looks INCREDIBLE in a two-piece! Ok, that’s just a bonus and not THAT important, but you testosterone-poisoned goobers know what I’m talking about. It’s like going to Morton’s, and after your meal, and they bring you the best dessert ever made for FREE! And the dude at the next table is Jerry Richardson, recognizes you as a Panther Fan, and BUYS YOUR DINNER for you and your “D” cup darling (hey – there’s the “D” words again!) It’s like buying the truck you always wanted, but they only had the standard version, but once you left the lot in your brand-new F150, you discover it had ALL of the extras you wanted anyway! Do I need to go on?
It’s the discovery the franchise quarterback your team drafted –
IS
THE
REAL
DEAL.
After today? There can be no question. The stats speak for themselves. No rookie EVER started a game, much less PLAYED a game in the entire season with the productivity that Cam displayed today. Of course, I’m going to have to give a tremendous amount of credit to Coach Shula, to Coach Chudzinsky, and certainly Coach Rivera for their patience, and their confidence. The poise shown by Newton today while under massive duress was not that of a rookie, but that of a seasoned veteran. The Cardy-noles were determined to blitz, early and often. They never diverted from that plan, and more often than not, he BEAT IT! And after today, the rest of the league will take notice. The sportswriters who follow the frontrunners like pre-programmed flocking birds will have to pay attention to this young, aggressive, and talented team that has determined ---
WE WILL NOT SUCK ANYMORE. When you are going to play us, you are going to have to account for EVERY INDIVIDUAL on that offense, who will play for this QB, this coaching staff, like they all received Underdog’s Super Energy Pill when they report on gameday.
And my beloved PantherFanz –
This offense is a work in progress. How much better are we going to get? Of course, I don’t want to get too high after this performance. We will see Cam have a stinker, and THIS SEASON, most certainly. But as the seasons march on, barring catastrophic injury, these malodorous performances will become fewer and fewer.
Here’s a telling shot –
At the end of today game, with a goal line shot stopped INCHES from scoring, Cam Newton returned to the sideline, a look of deject disappointment in his face. Do you think he cared that he blasted his name in the record books in HIS VERY FIRST START? He didn’t give a damn about that. HE WANTED TO WIN, AND BADLY! His teammates consoled him and congratulated him, but the drive to win is evident in this young man. And I was delighted to see that, and not the goofy smile of Julius Peppers on our sideline after a lackadaisical performance that handed a victory to our opponent in a CRITICAL game! We have just experienced the rebirth of our Carolina Panthers, friends. The excitement level for this team has just reached SEISMIC proportions! Again, barring catastrophic injury, Uncle Jerry will sell out every game this season, particularly if we perform well against the Packers next Sunday, win or lose. The old axiom about offense selling tickets will once again hold true. Not only tickets, but jerseys, product, all of the attention a shining new superstar generates. Primetime will once again romance these Panthers. If Newton continues to perform like he had today, we will be tailgating for many a night game in our future. The value of our PSL’s escalate. The most popular Christmas gift this year? The #1 jersey, for sure.
Unfortunately, the old axiom about defense winning championships also holds true. As good as our offense promises to be, the defense also has potential to be the one-ton concrete block chained to the hopes of our team. While they didn’t look as bad this evening as they had in the preseason, they gave up yardage in MONSTROUS CHUNKS to an average Cardy-noles offense. I saw some bone-headed alignments called by McDermott, particularly in the second half, which surrendered critical points that turned the game in their favour. Of course, this unit is a work in progress as well. But potential DISASTER is losing Beason, the undisputed captain of our defense. Let’s hope and pray that his injury is not serious or season –ending. It WAS good to see Thomas Davis back out on the field causing mayhem. Let’s also pray that his return is permanent.
But I certainly don’t want to end my delirious rant on a downer –
Try to imagine this, PantherFanz-
WHAT IF –
We are able to withstand the Packer’s best shot? What if we can go toe-to-toe with the Super Bowl Champs? We’ve done this before. We’ll be home, and the stadium will have a disproportionate amount of THEIR fans, but what if WE can summon the noise and sprit this team so desperately needs and DROWN out the cheers of the foamy-cheese adorned fanatics?
All of a sudden, the somber demeanor of the day has got me thinking of one of the most poignant scenes in film. When the battle for the bridge in Remelle is finished in the movie “Saving Private Ryan”, with the Allies victorious, Captain Miller, mortally wounded, clutches the titular character, and utters with his dying breath ---
“EARN THIS”
The scene changes to an elderly Ryan contemplating his life, and tearfully asks his wife for affirmation, which she lovingly gives him.
Football isn’t war, and in no way are sports the critical occupation doofuses like Dierdorf would have you believe if you listen to his annoying analysis during a game. But one thing’s for sure –
After today, with this performance –
The Carolina Panthers have earned our support and every ounce of cheering energy we can give them.
And let’s start it in the lot this Sunday!
Instead of a death march over a seemingly vastly superior opponent, now it feels like we’ve got a puncher’s chance! Hope – real, genuine hope, like we haven’t had in what feels like years –
Makes being a fan on this team feel worthwhile, at last. I’m also a realist. We weren’t expected to be very good this year, and the pundits continue to pound that in our faces in both the print and visual media. We aren’t making the playoffs this year, and I stand by my prediction of five wins, six at the max. But we are going to look VERY good doing it for the most part. There will be no shortage of exciting plays game after game, home or away.
The future looks dazzlingly bright, Fanz!
I’ll be back with the Week 2 picks in a few days –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
07 September, 2011
THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLAIRVOYANCES - WEEK 1
Ahhhhhhh – the first week of REAL FOOTBALL!
It is not lost on me that this NFL season begins on September 11th, the day when New York firefighters and policemen gave their lives to rescue others in the most dastardly attack on America –EVER. The sneaky Japs bombed MILLITARY TARGETS at Pearl Harbor in ’41. This was a simply evil, inhuman attack on CIVILLIAN targets, full of no one but INNOCENT NON-COMBATANTS! If Al Queda and their sub-human allies want to REALLY insure their TOTAL ERADICATION, they’ll try something at one of 15 NFL stadiums around the county this Sunday. Americans WON’T TOLERATE screwin’ up our FOOTBALL! But in our zeal for hard-hitting sports action, let us not forget those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, those who continue to make that sacrifice, and those who were just living their lives, and were taken needlessly by Satan’s henchmen. Ok, enough editorializing. That was a painful day, and I’m not looking forward to reliving it. On to the subject at hand.
For those of us with stakes in our fantasy leagues, we look at the weekly slate of games with MUCH anticipation as we try to manage our carefully constructed teams to victory – I am no exception to this group of testosterone-poisoned organisms. So I turn to the latest Vegas line to help you along with endeavor. Read on, football fan, and place your bets with CONFIDENCE!
We start with the official start to the season brought to you on Thursday night –
GREEN BAY vs. NEW ORLEANS
Like I said in my season predictions, Green Bay hasn’t done much to get worse – they are already a powerhouse, and they believe in themselves, and have permanently disposed of the tainted Favre legacy. The Saints have had some turnover, particularly on defense. The offense is still plenty strong, but I see matchup problems all over the place in this one. Pack’s favored by -4, and I would certainly take that.
And now, the Sunday games –
BALTY-MOORE vs. PISSBURGH
The Squeelers continue to be a perennial powerhouse, but I think the Ravens showed some serious weaknesses coming down the stretch, particularly in the postseason. The defense has gotten old, and Flacco has gone to creating some untimely turnovers. Wrong team favored in this one. Take the Squeelers and the +2 ½.
TAMPA BAY vs. DETROIT
I’ve made no secret of it – I’m in love with the Lions this year. I’m also thinking the Suck-an-ears are going to challenge in the division. It’s hot and unbearable in Tampa in September – Take the home Bucs to win handily. Come home next week and win, Leos.
CHICAGO vs. ATLANTA
I do NOT like the Bears this year, and this game will go a long way in exposing everything that’s wrong with them. The Duckies are a rare road favorite this week, and I’d feel good about taking them and the -3 points.
KANSAS SHITTY vs. BUFFALO
I also don’t like The Chefs this year, and Matt Cassel is likely not playing in this game. And they’re favored by 6 ½? I don’t like it, friends. Remember, NO ONE circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills –
Take the Bills and the +6 ½. You’ll call me a genius on Monday.
HOUSTON vs. INDIANAPOLIS
The lines’ at -6 for the home Texans right now. The news also came out today that Peyton Manning is officially OUT for this game. I guarantee this line goes up. Kerry Collins, meet the Houston Defense.
Ouch. Texans BIG. REAL BIG in a statement game. Only Vinnie Testicle comes out of retirement to win a road game.
ST. LOUIS vs. PHILTHYDELPHIA
When you suck as long as the Lambs have done, you tend to accumulate enough high draft choices to actually field a solid team when you’re coached decently enough. I’ve seen this start to happen in St. Looey. The Iggles have some serious questions on the offensive line and their defense is a bit undersized. Meet the Lamb’s BIG O line, Philly – Take the home Lambs and the +5 points.
CLEVELAND vs. CINCINNATI
I’ve also admitted that I’m in love with the Browns this year – They get a much weakened division rival at home to start, and like Houston, will be looking to make a statement. Browns roll. Take ‘em and the -6 ½.
JACKSONVILLE vs. TENNESSEE
Why, oh why, has Del Rio jettisoned David Garrard for Josh McClown? That’s like ditching Elly Mae to go on a hot date with Miss Jane! The Titans, while a shell of their former self, DO have Matt Hasslebeck AND Chris Johnson. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Titans and the +3.
WASHINGTOON vs. NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
The news keeps getting worse for the Gee-Men. Another defensive starter GONE for the season. No worries, Giants. You’re still playing Wrecks-Gross-Man. You’ll cover the -3 points.
ARID-ZONA vs. CAROLINA
Ok, I’m kind of put out. Is Kolb to Fitzgerald REALLY worth a -7 point advantage? Not so much the defense, but the OFFENSE of the Panthers will keep the ‘Zona D on the field longer than they want to – a much closer game than you’d anticipate. Call me crazy, and most people do, but you would do well to take the Panthers and the +7.
SAN FRANCISCO vs. SEATTLE
I really don’t like this game, as I don’t think there are really strong playmakers on either team short of Frank Gore. The line goes to the Niners, and I hesitatingly suggest you take them and the -5 ½ points.
NY JETS vs. DALLAS
Our Sunday nightcap sees the men with the stars on their hats coming to Gotham for an over-hyped Ryan bowl, as the Bros. Ryan pit defense against defense. Sexy Rexy wins this one, as the Cowboys try to find their offensive legs, and it won’t be here. Take the J*E*T*S and the -4 ½.
MIAMI vs. NEW ENGLANDLAND
The first part of the Monday Night double header finds Dr. Cheatin-Chek coming to Miami to beat up on an overmatched Dullphins squad. Think 7 points is too much? 14? Try 21. Pastry-Rots BIG. The next game will be better, which is
DENVER vs. OAKLAND
John Fox makes his debut with the Broncoids against a much improving Raiders team. He has wisely hitched his wagon to the vastly superior QB in Kyle Orton, and tonight, will Foxball the Raiders in submission. Not today, Al. Take the new-look Broncoids and the -3 points.
There you go, sports fans! Remember that my crystal clear football vision is for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling the house payment away, seek professional help.
See you in a few days with the first official in-season post game rant after the debut in the desert!
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
It is not lost on me that this NFL season begins on September 11th, the day when New York firefighters and policemen gave their lives to rescue others in the most dastardly attack on America –EVER. The sneaky Japs bombed MILLITARY TARGETS at Pearl Harbor in ’41. This was a simply evil, inhuman attack on CIVILLIAN targets, full of no one but INNOCENT NON-COMBATANTS! If Al Queda and their sub-human allies want to REALLY insure their TOTAL ERADICATION, they’ll try something at one of 15 NFL stadiums around the county this Sunday. Americans WON’T TOLERATE screwin’ up our FOOTBALL! But in our zeal for hard-hitting sports action, let us not forget those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, those who continue to make that sacrifice, and those who were just living their lives, and were taken needlessly by Satan’s henchmen. Ok, enough editorializing. That was a painful day, and I’m not looking forward to reliving it. On to the subject at hand.
For those of us with stakes in our fantasy leagues, we look at the weekly slate of games with MUCH anticipation as we try to manage our carefully constructed teams to victory – I am no exception to this group of testosterone-poisoned organisms. So I turn to the latest Vegas line to help you along with endeavor. Read on, football fan, and place your bets with CONFIDENCE!
We start with the official start to the season brought to you on Thursday night –
GREEN BAY vs. NEW ORLEANS
Like I said in my season predictions, Green Bay hasn’t done much to get worse – they are already a powerhouse, and they believe in themselves, and have permanently disposed of the tainted Favre legacy. The Saints have had some turnover, particularly on defense. The offense is still plenty strong, but I see matchup problems all over the place in this one. Pack’s favored by -4, and I would certainly take that.
And now, the Sunday games –
BALTY-MOORE vs. PISSBURGH
The Squeelers continue to be a perennial powerhouse, but I think the Ravens showed some serious weaknesses coming down the stretch, particularly in the postseason. The defense has gotten old, and Flacco has gone to creating some untimely turnovers. Wrong team favored in this one. Take the Squeelers and the +2 ½.
TAMPA BAY vs. DETROIT
I’ve made no secret of it – I’m in love with the Lions this year. I’m also thinking the Suck-an-ears are going to challenge in the division. It’s hot and unbearable in Tampa in September – Take the home Bucs to win handily. Come home next week and win, Leos.
CHICAGO vs. ATLANTA
I do NOT like the Bears this year, and this game will go a long way in exposing everything that’s wrong with them. The Duckies are a rare road favorite this week, and I’d feel good about taking them and the -3 points.
KANSAS SHITTY vs. BUFFALO
I also don’t like The Chefs this year, and Matt Cassel is likely not playing in this game. And they’re favored by 6 ½? I don’t like it, friends. Remember, NO ONE circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills –
Take the Bills and the +6 ½. You’ll call me a genius on Monday.
HOUSTON vs. INDIANAPOLIS
The lines’ at -6 for the home Texans right now. The news also came out today that Peyton Manning is officially OUT for this game. I guarantee this line goes up. Kerry Collins, meet the Houston Defense.
Ouch. Texans BIG. REAL BIG in a statement game. Only Vinnie Testicle comes out of retirement to win a road game.
ST. LOUIS vs. PHILTHYDELPHIA
When you suck as long as the Lambs have done, you tend to accumulate enough high draft choices to actually field a solid team when you’re coached decently enough. I’ve seen this start to happen in St. Looey. The Iggles have some serious questions on the offensive line and their defense is a bit undersized. Meet the Lamb’s BIG O line, Philly – Take the home Lambs and the +5 points.
CLEVELAND vs. CINCINNATI
I’ve also admitted that I’m in love with the Browns this year – They get a much weakened division rival at home to start, and like Houston, will be looking to make a statement. Browns roll. Take ‘em and the -6 ½.
JACKSONVILLE vs. TENNESSEE
Why, oh why, has Del Rio jettisoned David Garrard for Josh McClown? That’s like ditching Elly Mae to go on a hot date with Miss Jane! The Titans, while a shell of their former self, DO have Matt Hasslebeck AND Chris Johnson. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Titans and the +3.
WASHINGTOON vs. NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
The news keeps getting worse for the Gee-Men. Another defensive starter GONE for the season. No worries, Giants. You’re still playing Wrecks-Gross-Man. You’ll cover the -3 points.
ARID-ZONA vs. CAROLINA
Ok, I’m kind of put out. Is Kolb to Fitzgerald REALLY worth a -7 point advantage? Not so much the defense, but the OFFENSE of the Panthers will keep the ‘Zona D on the field longer than they want to – a much closer game than you’d anticipate. Call me crazy, and most people do, but you would do well to take the Panthers and the +7.
SAN FRANCISCO vs. SEATTLE
I really don’t like this game, as I don’t think there are really strong playmakers on either team short of Frank Gore. The line goes to the Niners, and I hesitatingly suggest you take them and the -5 ½ points.
NY JETS vs. DALLAS
Our Sunday nightcap sees the men with the stars on their hats coming to Gotham for an over-hyped Ryan bowl, as the Bros. Ryan pit defense against defense. Sexy Rexy wins this one, as the Cowboys try to find their offensive legs, and it won’t be here. Take the J*E*T*S and the -4 ½.
MIAMI vs. NEW ENGLANDLAND
The first part of the Monday Night double header finds Dr. Cheatin-Chek coming to Miami to beat up on an overmatched Dullphins squad. Think 7 points is too much? 14? Try 21. Pastry-Rots BIG. The next game will be better, which is
DENVER vs. OAKLAND
John Fox makes his debut with the Broncoids against a much improving Raiders team. He has wisely hitched his wagon to the vastly superior QB in Kyle Orton, and tonight, will Foxball the Raiders in submission. Not today, Al. Take the new-look Broncoids and the -3 points.
There you go, sports fans! Remember that my crystal clear football vision is for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling the house payment away, seek professional help.
See you in a few days with the first official in-season post game rant after the debut in the desert!
Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
THE 2011 NFL SEASON FORECAST
I’m not sure I’ve been more excited to see an NFL season to come by since 2008, when I CORRECTLY predicted a 12-4 season for our Panthers, only to see it come to a crashing thud at the hands of the Arid-zona Cardy-noles. It’s a hurt that’s not yet healed, I promise you that. That was worse than losing to Virginia twenty times, I guarantee.
I think there is serious churn in the hierarchy of the NFL. Partly, because of the lack of OTA’s due to the lockout, and partly, because of natural degradation of talent. I look deeply into the vortices of The Force, and pull forth a 100% accurate prediction, for your satisfaction and entertainment. After a season of retreat by your Cedar Street Seer, I’m back, and I’ll be back every week, God willing, without fail.
So, without further ado, or verbiage, or silly metaphor like pizza or Star Wars or little cowboys, here’s my thought about the league this season.
In the AFC East, one thing has returned to the norm. The Pastry-Rots will be good again. Damned good.
The Jets will be right behind, but not as close as they have been in recent years. The Bills are a perpetual rebuilding project, but they have Chan Gailey goin’ for ‘em, and the Dullphins will just be bad. They go –
1- NEW ENGLANDLAND
2- 2-NEW YORK
3- 3-BEEFALO
4- 4-MIAMI
In the AFC South, the Houston Texans AT LAST fulfill all of the promise their fans have anticipated for years. And it won’t be close. The Titans will struggle for mediocrity, the Jags are in serious decline, but the Colts are in REAL trouble. This whole team has been built around Peyton Manning, who may be missing a large part of this season, if not all. His health issues have been hush-hushed, but apparently MUCH worse than anyone’s suspected. They go –
1- HOOSTUN
2- TENNESSEE
3- JACKSONVILLE
4- INDIANAPOLIS (with a shot at Andrew Luck! Isn’t’ that ironic!)
In the AFC North, the Pissburgh Squeelers may have the easiest time in many a season. I think Baltimore’s gotten old, especially on defense. And it will show. Guess who’s coming on? Don’t look now, but the Cleveland Browns have a franchise quarterback and a developing core of good, solid players. The Bungles, well, they will be part of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. They go –
1- PISSBURGH
2- CLEVELAND, yes, CLEVELAND!!!
3- BALTY-MOORE
4- CINCINNATI
The AFC West will be a bit more hotly contested this season. While the San Diego Chargers will still be the team to beat, the Raiders seem to finally have some organization and some players, if Al Davis can stay out of the way long enough. A fresh start will do John Fox and the Broncoids some serious good, but last year’s playoff appearance of the Kansas City Chefs was an anomaly. I guarantee it. The division goes –
1- SAN DIEGO
2- OAKLAND
3- DENVER
4- KANSAS SHITTY
Oh, days of yore, when the power in the league was the NFC East. This year, it will be the NFC LEAST! Without exception, I think EVERY TEAM is fraught with weakness, including that PAPER TIGER PHILTHYDELPHIA! While Dallas will be much improved, they will still have issues on defense to resolve, and the Giant’s defense has aged as well. The Deadskins will simply be bad. You know, Mike Shanahan, the game even passed Don Shula and Tom Landry by – you are certainly no better than they were, by any measurement. But, when you start looking at stats and schedule and so forth, you still come up with –
1- PHILTHYDELPHIA
2- NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS
3- DALLAS
4- WARSHINGTOON
Chris Berman likes to call the NFC North the “Norris Division”. For me, it’s a two-team race. The Packers have done NOTHING to make me believe they are any weaker than they were when they juggernauted through the playoffs. And yes, the Detroit Lions are going to win 10 games this year. Mark it down. The Vikings are in eclipse, having set themselves back with the failed Brett Favre mis-adventure, and the Chicago Bears, the once mighty Monsters of the Midway, are going to be in last place. Mike Martz has effed up this offense enough, and when you effectively block Julius Peppers, as was done when he was a part-time star with us, the rest of the defense crumbles. Mark THAT down, too. Bears in LAST PLACE.
1- GREEN BAY
2- DETROIT
3- MINI-SODA
4- CHICAGO
The REAL power this year in the NFL? OUR division, home sweet NFC South home. While the Duckies seem loaded, I just can’t give it to them, when Tampa Bay and New Orleans are still quite capable of kicking their ass. Can the Suckaneers finally NOT suck? The Duckie’s defense is still not Super-Bowl caliber, and the Saint’s defense is near-non existant. And next year, the Panthers will come to play, I guarantee it. I’m feeling a tremor in the Force, and it’s coming from the Gulf of Mexico…
1- TAMPA BAY
2- ATLANTA
3- NEW ORLEANS
4- *sigh* *again* CAROLINA
The weakest division in YEARS fielded a 7-9 team in the playoffs last season. There should be a law against that, really. Perhaps the NFL should seed their teams like the NBA does to prevent that bullsh**t. While all four teams should improve a bit, none of these teams are scaring anyone, unless you are facing the Lambs in the EJ Dome in St Looey. The home dome is enough for me to pick the Lambs first. And Jim Harbaugh will have the Phoney-Niners playing out of the Andrew Luck derby. But Arid-Zona and Seattle will fighting for him –
1- ST LOUIS
2- SAN FRANCISCO
3- SEATTLE
4- ARID-ZONA
Ok, with that said, you’ve got your division winners in the AFC as New Englandland, Hoostun, Pissburgh and San Diego. The Browns, yes, THE BROWNS, get one of the wild cards, and the J*E*T*S get the other.
Houston dispatches the Browns, the Chargers ground the Jets. The Pastry-Rots herd the Texans, the Chargers UPSET the Squeelers. New EnglandGland negates the Chargers to win the conference.
In our home conference, you’ve got the division winners in Philthy, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and St. Looey. The wild cards will be Detroit and Atlanta. Detroit FLEECES the Lambs, and the Duckies quack out the Iggles, but meet the Packers again with similar results from last postseason. Whoa, DETROIT BEATS THE BUCS, and the Packers BARELY beat the LEOS, who have come very far in killing the haunting pestilence of Matt Millen. The Packers then repeat by humbling a conniving, cheating Belli-cheat in Super Bowl Indianapolis, where Peyton Manning gets a serious chance to hone his television journalist chops and put some serious heat on EVERY SINGLE SPORTS SHOW HOST ON EVERY MAJOR NETWORK, and THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CHRIS BERMAN –
There you go, sports fans. The purest, most accurate forecast you could ever hope to find in piles and piles of overpriced paper. Come to the lot and toast my most excellent clairvoyance with the beverage of your choice, and don’t forget to tip your tailgating hosts.
Gotta Comment?
Hold it until the first week of clarivoyances pass, and THEN –
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
I think there is serious churn in the hierarchy of the NFL. Partly, because of the lack of OTA’s due to the lockout, and partly, because of natural degradation of talent. I look deeply into the vortices of The Force, and pull forth a 100% accurate prediction, for your satisfaction and entertainment. After a season of retreat by your Cedar Street Seer, I’m back, and I’ll be back every week, God willing, without fail.
So, without further ado, or verbiage, or silly metaphor like pizza or Star Wars or little cowboys, here’s my thought about the league this season.
In the AFC East, one thing has returned to the norm. The Pastry-Rots will be good again. Damned good.
The Jets will be right behind, but not as close as they have been in recent years. The Bills are a perpetual rebuilding project, but they have Chan Gailey goin’ for ‘em, and the Dullphins will just be bad. They go –
1- NEW ENGLANDLAND
2- 2-NEW YORK
3- 3-BEEFALO
4- 4-MIAMI
In the AFC South, the Houston Texans AT LAST fulfill all of the promise their fans have anticipated for years. And it won’t be close. The Titans will struggle for mediocrity, the Jags are in serious decline, but the Colts are in REAL trouble. This whole team has been built around Peyton Manning, who may be missing a large part of this season, if not all. His health issues have been hush-hushed, but apparently MUCH worse than anyone’s suspected. They go –
1- HOOSTUN
2- TENNESSEE
3- JACKSONVILLE
4- INDIANAPOLIS (with a shot at Andrew Luck! Isn’t’ that ironic!)
In the AFC North, the Pissburgh Squeelers may have the easiest time in many a season. I think Baltimore’s gotten old, especially on defense. And it will show. Guess who’s coming on? Don’t look now, but the Cleveland Browns have a franchise quarterback and a developing core of good, solid players. The Bungles, well, they will be part of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. They go –
1- PISSBURGH
2- CLEVELAND, yes, CLEVELAND!!!
3- BALTY-MOORE
4- CINCINNATI
The AFC West will be a bit more hotly contested this season. While the San Diego Chargers will still be the team to beat, the Raiders seem to finally have some organization and some players, if Al Davis can stay out of the way long enough. A fresh start will do John Fox and the Broncoids some serious good, but last year’s playoff appearance of the Kansas City Chefs was an anomaly. I guarantee it. The division goes –
1- SAN DIEGO
2- OAKLAND
3- DENVER
4- KANSAS SHITTY
Oh, days of yore, when the power in the league was the NFC East. This year, it will be the NFC LEAST! Without exception, I think EVERY TEAM is fraught with weakness, including that PAPER TIGER PHILTHYDELPHIA! While Dallas will be much improved, they will still have issues on defense to resolve, and the Giant’s defense has aged as well. The Deadskins will simply be bad. You know, Mike Shanahan, the game even passed Don Shula and Tom Landry by – you are certainly no better than they were, by any measurement. But, when you start looking at stats and schedule and so forth, you still come up with –
1- PHILTHYDELPHIA
2- NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS
3- DALLAS
4- WARSHINGTOON
Chris Berman likes to call the NFC North the “Norris Division”. For me, it’s a two-team race. The Packers have done NOTHING to make me believe they are any weaker than they were when they juggernauted through the playoffs. And yes, the Detroit Lions are going to win 10 games this year. Mark it down. The Vikings are in eclipse, having set themselves back with the failed Brett Favre mis-adventure, and the Chicago Bears, the once mighty Monsters of the Midway, are going to be in last place. Mike Martz has effed up this offense enough, and when you effectively block Julius Peppers, as was done when he was a part-time star with us, the rest of the defense crumbles. Mark THAT down, too. Bears in LAST PLACE.
1- GREEN BAY
2- DETROIT
3- MINI-SODA
4- CHICAGO
The REAL power this year in the NFL? OUR division, home sweet NFC South home. While the Duckies seem loaded, I just can’t give it to them, when Tampa Bay and New Orleans are still quite capable of kicking their ass. Can the Suckaneers finally NOT suck? The Duckie’s defense is still not Super-Bowl caliber, and the Saint’s defense is near-non existant. And next year, the Panthers will come to play, I guarantee it. I’m feeling a tremor in the Force, and it’s coming from the Gulf of Mexico…
1- TAMPA BAY
2- ATLANTA
3- NEW ORLEANS
4- *sigh* *again* CAROLINA
The weakest division in YEARS fielded a 7-9 team in the playoffs last season. There should be a law against that, really. Perhaps the NFL should seed their teams like the NBA does to prevent that bullsh**t. While all four teams should improve a bit, none of these teams are scaring anyone, unless you are facing the Lambs in the EJ Dome in St Looey. The home dome is enough for me to pick the Lambs first. And Jim Harbaugh will have the Phoney-Niners playing out of the Andrew Luck derby. But Arid-Zona and Seattle will fighting for him –
1- ST LOUIS
2- SAN FRANCISCO
3- SEATTLE
4- ARID-ZONA
Ok, with that said, you’ve got your division winners in the AFC as New Englandland, Hoostun, Pissburgh and San Diego. The Browns, yes, THE BROWNS, get one of the wild cards, and the J*E*T*S get the other.
Houston dispatches the Browns, the Chargers ground the Jets. The Pastry-Rots herd the Texans, the Chargers UPSET the Squeelers. New EnglandGland negates the Chargers to win the conference.
In our home conference, you’ve got the division winners in Philthy, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and St. Looey. The wild cards will be Detroit and Atlanta. Detroit FLEECES the Lambs, and the Duckies quack out the Iggles, but meet the Packers again with similar results from last postseason. Whoa, DETROIT BEATS THE BUCS, and the Packers BARELY beat the LEOS, who have come very far in killing the haunting pestilence of Matt Millen. The Packers then repeat by humbling a conniving, cheating Belli-cheat in Super Bowl Indianapolis, where Peyton Manning gets a serious chance to hone his television journalist chops and put some serious heat on EVERY SINGLE SPORTS SHOW HOST ON EVERY MAJOR NETWORK, and THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CHRIS BERMAN –
There you go, sports fans. The purest, most accurate forecast you could ever hope to find in piles and piles of overpriced paper. Come to the lot and toast my most excellent clairvoyance with the beverage of your choice, and don’t forget to tip your tailgating hosts.
Gotta Comment?
Hold it until the first week of clarivoyances pass, and THEN –
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
06 September, 2011
CHANGING THE RECIPE
After my very first attempt at authentic New Orleans Gumbo three years ago, I was certain that I had the PERFECT recipe for the PERFECT tailgating dish to mark the yearly visit of our brothers from the bayou – ESPECIALLY when that initial batch disappeared in less than twenty minutes on gameday.
UNTIL –
I got a taste of Tina Hastings’ version for Super Bowl XLIV when the Saints themselves won it.
I knew she had a better recipe. So, after a brief conversation with James’ extraordinary wife, I mentally bookmarked what she did differently, and by Jiminy, when Nawlin’s comes callin’ – Crazy Joe’s Gumbo will be a lot more like Tinas’. I’m not going to go into great detail about that recipe. That’s not the point of my rant. What DID get me thinking about recipes, was coaching philosophies, and what we can expect from the Panthers this year. It became abundantly clear after Chef Ronnie cut ties with wasted draft pick Everett Brown, and what he and his staff felt were the proper ingredients for a winning team. Of course, all his desired spices and such aren’t immediately available RIGHT NOW – so, instead of FRESH cilantro, Ronnie’s gonna have to go with the dried shaker jar stuff, in some part.
And I’m thinking about pizza, now. How many restaurants have made their name and their living out of that most vital of American staples? If you were blindfolded, and handed a slice of Pizza Hut’s original thin crust pizza, you would immediately recognize the taste and texture, yes? Same if your mouth had a slice of Little Squeezer’s shoved into it. And, if you were handed a generic slice of authentic Brooklyn Style Noo Yawk pizza, you wouldn’t want EITHER of those weak offerings! The NFL is a lot like pizza. Everyone loves pizza. Just not ALL pizza.
So, where am I going with this, you may ask? Those of you who know me and the way my mind operates already know. For the rest of you, read on.
The ingredients that make up the Carolina Panthers have been changed. Forever. What we knew for the past 17 years no longer applies. That veteran driven team of Dom Capers? Gone. The fast-paced offensive group of Frisbee-catchin’ dogs of the See-fart era? Not with these guys. The conservative, defensively oriented team of John Fox? You won’t see it again for generations. What we have now, is a team that is designed to go through the tight end when we have the ball. And to Rivera’s credit, he made sure he had the ingredients for that. This is Chudzinski’s specialty. And goes with virtually any kind of wine. A sure recipe for exciting Sunday afternoons. Shockey, Olsen, and Newton make for a very nice mix, ESPECIALLY when you have fresh Otah, and HEY! Just in, nice, farm grown Hangartner! And on defense, Chef Rivera wants to serve the blitz, early and often. Just for this season, we DO NOT have the richly marbled slabs of beef necessary in the middle to facilitate that, nor do we have the zippy corners to ignite the defensive backfield with flames of heat. Well, you don’t go to Morton’s for barbecue, do you? The Carolina Panthers aren’t serving quality defense this year, but I’m going to go out on a limb, and say that if you like touchdowns, and exciting vertical plays, you are going to be happy with the Panthers this season. Unfortunately, the other team we will be playing will be enjoying plenty of their own.
One of the things I most liked to eat years ago was Hooter’s Three-Mile-Island wings. I remember taking my best customer and pal “Big Woo” and the rest of Carolina Place’s support staff to the South Boulevard location , and eat heaps of ‘em, along with buckets of raw oysters and pitchers of beer, and Kenny would take a nice order from me the next day or so. But the next morning?
Johnny Cash wrote a song that exemplified my feeling ----
“oh it burns, burns, burns…..the ring of fire….the ring of fire….”
You will need your Tums to watch the Panthers this year. Oh, they’ll be tasty at times, but they will go down like alligator sausage other times… And you’ll feel the burn, burn, burn…
So, with that said, I’m going to go week by week over the Panther’s schedule – and gastronomically predict the palatability factor for each one –
WEEK 1 - @ARID-ZONA
New era for the Cardy-noles – they find out how much they gave up for Kevin Kolb. To his advantage, he’s got Larry Fitzgerald to throw to. But the desert’s not the benefit it once was – Uof P Stadium is comfortably weather-conditioned for your dining pleasure. The Panther’s D won’t be as bad as we’ve seen, and I think Arizona will be at a disadvantage of not having a TRUE scouting report on Cam Newton. Cam shows WHY he’s the #1 draft choice and the ‘Cats win their ’11 debut in a shootout! If you like defense, you won’t like this game. Enjoy, but don’t forget your antacids.
WEEK 2- vs. GREEN BAY
This is where you want to come early and stuff yourself on Clay’s open pit. Because Green Bay’s superior defense and experienced offense will make the Panthers look like middle school Mystery Meat. Add to the gastrointestinal discomfort will be the countless Packer fans in our stadium. What can I say? They travel well. And they’re all over the damn place.
WEEK 3 – vs. JACKSONVILLE
Today, we all got the news that Chef Del Rio sent his sous Chef David Gerrard packin’. In favor of JOSH FREAKIN’ McCLOWN? The Jags are in a decline, just like my dearly departed favorite watering hole, Township Grille. Panthers win a good one, and taste good doin’ it.
WEEK 4 – vs. CHICAGO
In my yearly predictions, I have The Bears in LAST PLACE. Do you hear me? IN LAST FREAKIN’ PLACE! And there’s a few reasons I think so. I’m backin’ it up. A game we aren’t supposed to win, and we DO. Hey, Morton’s has good barbecue after all! Who knew?
WEEK 5 – vs. NEW ORLEANS
I remember years ago, Kathie getting one bad meal in a New Orleans restaurant. When you’re food’s bad in The Big Easy, you go down harder than the pump where James fills the Party Prowler. This year’s Saints ain’t Arnauds, but they’re not Hardee’s, either… The positive part is that the Saints defense isn’t cordon-bleu this season. We’ll get our points, just not enough.
WEEK 6 - @ ATLANTA.
Uggh. Imagine your worst lunch room nightmare. What is a three-hour game will feel like eight.
WEEK 7 – vs. WARSHINGTOON
A team that sucks and starts Wrecks-Gross-Man. Win. Easy. Like killin’ a whole bag of Oreos and milk after some serious munchies. No Tums.
WEEK 8 – vs. MINI-SODA
Remember 2009? Sous Chef Matt Moore almost singlehandedly BEAT playoff-bound Brett Favre and his Vikings. A washed- up Donovan McSnabb leads this group in on a lovely fall afternoon, where the blitzing Panthers do enough to keep All Day in check, and WHOA! We’ve won four of our last six going into the bye!
WEEK 9- BYE
All of the talking heads will begin to talk about the vast improvements the Panthers have made. Games will be sold out by now, and Cam Newton will be signed to his first big endorsement deal, tattoo free.
WEEK 10- vs. TENNESSEE
Remember how nice it was to come to Chez Jerry for the five home games in the first half of the season?
No more, babe. We’re going to be roadkill going forward, with only three home games left. This will be our last realistic chance for a home victory, and against a seasoned Hasselbeck, and Chris Johnson, not lookin’ good. Titans win a squeaker against us.
WEEK 11 @ DETROIT
The Lions are going to be the NFL’S MOST IMPROVED TEAM this year, mark it down. And you will be guzzling Pepto to get through this one –
WEEK 12 @ INDIANAPOLIS
Without Peyton Manning, the Colts will be in a terminal tailspin. Like a veggie burger when you really, REALLY, need pure, steaming ANGUS BEEF. If they are without Son Of Archie, they will be as listless as peanut butter and jelly in a lunch bag by 3.00 PM. Our second road win of the year. And last.
WEEK 13 @ TAMPA BAY
The Suck-an-Ears by this time will be fighting hard for playoff positioning, and we are the team they will need to beat. And we will be shucked like we cost one dollar per cob of tasty corn. Damn, did I JUST say that???
WEEK 14 vs. ATLANTA
Double uggh. I really, REALLY, hate the Duckies, and by this time, I will likely prefer munching on a plate of Dook Dookie as to stomach these guys.
WEEK 15 @ HOUSTON
We are going into Texans Town to play a first place team. There will be no doubt. It’s a team we’ve never beaten, and we’ll be waiting another four years to get another chance at this team that will one day be led by TJ Yates.
WEEK 16 vs. TAMPA BAY
Come on Santa. PLEEEEEEEEEEZE can we have another home victory? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE????
$(*@&#^%(@&#(*& might as well ask the %^#_&$^!@_$^ Hannukah fairy )#$^%_(!@^$
Panthers like bad fruitcake. Might as well crunch on a lump of coal. We’ll keep it close. Won’t be that bad, but the Bucs will be playing for their playoff lives. And they owe us.
WEEK 17 vs NEW ORLEANS
May old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind, and that would include this version of the Carolina Panthers, who made us forget the quite forgettable acquaintance of the ’10 Panthers. We go 5-11, considerably better than last year, and the ingredients for a much tastier football team begin to simmer, as Chef Ron begins his shopping list at the Mega-NFL-Mart for 2012, for yet the next step in our Panther’s culinary and football evolution.
Excuse me while I call Domino’s for a sausage and pepperoni pizza.
Gotta Comment?
Email you food order to
ME –
The Cedar Street Cedar Seer and smoker of meats
CaptnTee@aol.com
UNTIL –
I got a taste of Tina Hastings’ version for Super Bowl XLIV when the Saints themselves won it.
I knew she had a better recipe. So, after a brief conversation with James’ extraordinary wife, I mentally bookmarked what she did differently, and by Jiminy, when Nawlin’s comes callin’ – Crazy Joe’s Gumbo will be a lot more like Tinas’. I’m not going to go into great detail about that recipe. That’s not the point of my rant. What DID get me thinking about recipes, was coaching philosophies, and what we can expect from the Panthers this year. It became abundantly clear after Chef Ronnie cut ties with wasted draft pick Everett Brown, and what he and his staff felt were the proper ingredients for a winning team. Of course, all his desired spices and such aren’t immediately available RIGHT NOW – so, instead of FRESH cilantro, Ronnie’s gonna have to go with the dried shaker jar stuff, in some part.
And I’m thinking about pizza, now. How many restaurants have made their name and their living out of that most vital of American staples? If you were blindfolded, and handed a slice of Pizza Hut’s original thin crust pizza, you would immediately recognize the taste and texture, yes? Same if your mouth had a slice of Little Squeezer’s shoved into it. And, if you were handed a generic slice of authentic Brooklyn Style Noo Yawk pizza, you wouldn’t want EITHER of those weak offerings! The NFL is a lot like pizza. Everyone loves pizza. Just not ALL pizza.
So, where am I going with this, you may ask? Those of you who know me and the way my mind operates already know. For the rest of you, read on.
The ingredients that make up the Carolina Panthers have been changed. Forever. What we knew for the past 17 years no longer applies. That veteran driven team of Dom Capers? Gone. The fast-paced offensive group of Frisbee-catchin’ dogs of the See-fart era? Not with these guys. The conservative, defensively oriented team of John Fox? You won’t see it again for generations. What we have now, is a team that is designed to go through the tight end when we have the ball. And to Rivera’s credit, he made sure he had the ingredients for that. This is Chudzinski’s specialty. And goes with virtually any kind of wine. A sure recipe for exciting Sunday afternoons. Shockey, Olsen, and Newton make for a very nice mix, ESPECIALLY when you have fresh Otah, and HEY! Just in, nice, farm grown Hangartner! And on defense, Chef Rivera wants to serve the blitz, early and often. Just for this season, we DO NOT have the richly marbled slabs of beef necessary in the middle to facilitate that, nor do we have the zippy corners to ignite the defensive backfield with flames of heat. Well, you don’t go to Morton’s for barbecue, do you? The Carolina Panthers aren’t serving quality defense this year, but I’m going to go out on a limb, and say that if you like touchdowns, and exciting vertical plays, you are going to be happy with the Panthers this season. Unfortunately, the other team we will be playing will be enjoying plenty of their own.
One of the things I most liked to eat years ago was Hooter’s Three-Mile-Island wings. I remember taking my best customer and pal “Big Woo” and the rest of Carolina Place’s support staff to the South Boulevard location , and eat heaps of ‘em, along with buckets of raw oysters and pitchers of beer, and Kenny would take a nice order from me the next day or so. But the next morning?
Johnny Cash wrote a song that exemplified my feeling ----
“oh it burns, burns, burns…..the ring of fire….the ring of fire….”
You will need your Tums to watch the Panthers this year. Oh, they’ll be tasty at times, but they will go down like alligator sausage other times… And you’ll feel the burn, burn, burn…
So, with that said, I’m going to go week by week over the Panther’s schedule – and gastronomically predict the palatability factor for each one –
WEEK 1 - @ARID-ZONA
New era for the Cardy-noles – they find out how much they gave up for Kevin Kolb. To his advantage, he’s got Larry Fitzgerald to throw to. But the desert’s not the benefit it once was – Uof P Stadium is comfortably weather-conditioned for your dining pleasure. The Panther’s D won’t be as bad as we’ve seen, and I think Arizona will be at a disadvantage of not having a TRUE scouting report on Cam Newton. Cam shows WHY he’s the #1 draft choice and the ‘Cats win their ’11 debut in a shootout! If you like defense, you won’t like this game. Enjoy, but don’t forget your antacids.
WEEK 2- vs. GREEN BAY
This is where you want to come early and stuff yourself on Clay’s open pit. Because Green Bay’s superior defense and experienced offense will make the Panthers look like middle school Mystery Meat. Add to the gastrointestinal discomfort will be the countless Packer fans in our stadium. What can I say? They travel well. And they’re all over the damn place.
WEEK 3 – vs. JACKSONVILLE
Today, we all got the news that Chef Del Rio sent his sous Chef David Gerrard packin’. In favor of JOSH FREAKIN’ McCLOWN? The Jags are in a decline, just like my dearly departed favorite watering hole, Township Grille. Panthers win a good one, and taste good doin’ it.
WEEK 4 – vs. CHICAGO
In my yearly predictions, I have The Bears in LAST PLACE. Do you hear me? IN LAST FREAKIN’ PLACE! And there’s a few reasons I think so. I’m backin’ it up. A game we aren’t supposed to win, and we DO. Hey, Morton’s has good barbecue after all! Who knew?
WEEK 5 – vs. NEW ORLEANS
I remember years ago, Kathie getting one bad meal in a New Orleans restaurant. When you’re food’s bad in The Big Easy, you go down harder than the pump where James fills the Party Prowler. This year’s Saints ain’t Arnauds, but they’re not Hardee’s, either… The positive part is that the Saints defense isn’t cordon-bleu this season. We’ll get our points, just not enough.
WEEK 6 - @ ATLANTA.
Uggh. Imagine your worst lunch room nightmare. What is a three-hour game will feel like eight.
WEEK 7 – vs. WARSHINGTOON
A team that sucks and starts Wrecks-Gross-Man. Win. Easy. Like killin’ a whole bag of Oreos and milk after some serious munchies. No Tums.
WEEK 8 – vs. MINI-SODA
Remember 2009? Sous Chef Matt Moore almost singlehandedly BEAT playoff-bound Brett Favre and his Vikings. A washed- up Donovan McSnabb leads this group in on a lovely fall afternoon, where the blitzing Panthers do enough to keep All Day in check, and WHOA! We’ve won four of our last six going into the bye!
WEEK 9- BYE
All of the talking heads will begin to talk about the vast improvements the Panthers have made. Games will be sold out by now, and Cam Newton will be signed to his first big endorsement deal, tattoo free.
WEEK 10- vs. TENNESSEE
Remember how nice it was to come to Chez Jerry for the five home games in the first half of the season?
No more, babe. We’re going to be roadkill going forward, with only three home games left. This will be our last realistic chance for a home victory, and against a seasoned Hasselbeck, and Chris Johnson, not lookin’ good. Titans win a squeaker against us.
WEEK 11 @ DETROIT
The Lions are going to be the NFL’S MOST IMPROVED TEAM this year, mark it down. And you will be guzzling Pepto to get through this one –
WEEK 12 @ INDIANAPOLIS
Without Peyton Manning, the Colts will be in a terminal tailspin. Like a veggie burger when you really, REALLY, need pure, steaming ANGUS BEEF. If they are without Son Of Archie, they will be as listless as peanut butter and jelly in a lunch bag by 3.00 PM. Our second road win of the year. And last.
WEEK 13 @ TAMPA BAY
The Suck-an-Ears by this time will be fighting hard for playoff positioning, and we are the team they will need to beat. And we will be shucked like we cost one dollar per cob of tasty corn. Damn, did I JUST say that???
WEEK 14 vs. ATLANTA
Double uggh. I really, REALLY, hate the Duckies, and by this time, I will likely prefer munching on a plate of Dook Dookie as to stomach these guys.
WEEK 15 @ HOUSTON
We are going into Texans Town to play a first place team. There will be no doubt. It’s a team we’ve never beaten, and we’ll be waiting another four years to get another chance at this team that will one day be led by TJ Yates.
WEEK 16 vs. TAMPA BAY
Come on Santa. PLEEEEEEEEEEZE can we have another home victory? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE????
$(*@&#^%(@&#(*& might as well ask the %^#_&$^!@_$^ Hannukah fairy )#$^%_(!@^$
Panthers like bad fruitcake. Might as well crunch on a lump of coal. We’ll keep it close. Won’t be that bad, but the Bucs will be playing for their playoff lives. And they owe us.
WEEK 17 vs NEW ORLEANS
May old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind, and that would include this version of the Carolina Panthers, who made us forget the quite forgettable acquaintance of the ’10 Panthers. We go 5-11, considerably better than last year, and the ingredients for a much tastier football team begin to simmer, as Chef Ron begins his shopping list at the Mega-NFL-Mart for 2012, for yet the next step in our Panther’s culinary and football evolution.
Excuse me while I call Domino’s for a sausage and pepperoni pizza.
Gotta Comment?
Email you food order to
ME –
The Cedar Street Cedar Seer and smoker of meats
CaptnTee@aol.com
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