THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9

Happy Friday to you all, and we’re just getting to the halfway point of the season. Some things are trending up, some are trending down, and some things just defy explanation. One of which is my weekly misfiring. That blasted last-second field goal Monday night once again kept my Aunt Rachel smoochless.
Not that I wanted to be in that condition mind you, but I’m determined to see this through. Thanks for being there too, so with that I tear into this week’s next-to-last-bye – truncated games.

KANSAS CITY @ JACKSONVILLE

Several malevolent factors are starting to circulate here – One, the unfair heat Larry Johnson is taking for using a word ALL OF US flung around as casually as we would any other tame epithet. That’s MY opinion. At any rate, the embattled running back isn’t playing this weekend. The other negative karma is one of the league’s worst attendance figures for the Jaggy-whyers. Losing to previously winless Tennessee sure doesn’t help generate excitement in a region that’s geeked up about the other professional team in the area – The Florida Gators. I still think the Jags are the better team, and Del Rio really NEEDS to keep his team improving to keep his job. I think the home team wins comfortably. Jags and -6 ½.

BALTY-MOORE @ CINCINATTI

Don’t think the Ravens have forgotten about the Week 5 loss at home to these Bungles. Last week’s game was another of those “finding your manhood” games, and I think it carries into this week, and beyond. The Bungle defense is much improved, but the Ravens are on a mission. They’ll get after Palmer, Benson, OchoCinco and company, all right. And I think the big hogs on the Ravens’ O line keep the Bungle rush off long enough for Flacco to do his stuf. I really like the Ravens and the -3 over the Bungles, with MONSTER games coming up with the Squeelers.

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS

Has Peyton Manning ever been flat for big, huge, divisional games? Nope, I didn’t think so. Even though Houston has been coming on lately, I don’t think they match up well with the AFC’s version of the Saints.
And Bob Sanders is back, and getting his legs back. I like Manning’s boys and the -9.

WARSHINGTOON @ ATLANTA

Is this the time to be getting the Duckies? After a Monday Night fanny-whackin? And if you’re the downtrodden DeadSkins? With even grizzled, loyal alumni like Sam Huff and Sonny J, and now, Riggo, piling onto the ownership and front office, it just doesn’t seem the team can do anything right. And that starts filtering into the team. Only the most delusional of fans, and the Redskins themselves believe they have a chance in the Georgia Dome this Sunday. I don’t. Duckies by -10.

GREEN BAY @ TAMPA BAY

I have just realized that I’ve gone with the favorite in the past four capsules. Wouldn’t you? The slate of games this week involve such poor teams, the number of which hasn’t been seen in a long, long time.
This is another one. The Suckaneers are one of the very worst. If the Packers have problems with Tampa, then they REALLY have problems. Packers by double digits.

ARID-ZONA @ CHICAGO

Thank you, Bears, for FINALLY handling a wretched opponent. Now, show us what you do with a GOOD team! The Panthers showed how to beat them last week, so use Force Forte to soften up that angry defense, and get after Warner like the Kitty Cats did. I don’t think the Bears have the defense Carolina displayed last week, nor do they have the rushing attack. For once today, I’m going with an underdog. I’m leaning to the Cardy-noles and the +3.

MIAMI @ NEWENGLANDLAND

And here’s my second consecutive leap on an underdog – I think the Dolphins creative approach to both offense and defense always give them a chance no matter WHO they play. And their special team is playing lights out right now! They aren’t intimidated a bit by the Pastry-Rots. I think this will be one of the most entertaining games of the day. Bring it on, Brady! Tuna’s boys are ready for you. I like the ‘Fins to cover the +10 ½, if not win outright.

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS

Yes, the Saints are a different team this season, and so is Carolina. But I’m hearkening back to last year, when we played BOTH the Saints and Cardy-noles in consecutive games when BOTH teams were having great offensive starts. And BOTH times the Panthers shut them down.

Hmmm.

The Panthers just may be finding their football legs right now. Or we may have just witnessed an aberration on the way to Fox’s final year. I gotta feeling . The heftiest line of the day is a ridiculous one.
I would have jumped all over the Saints two weeks ago, now I’m sure the Panthers will cover. Come on, it’s 13 ½ points! I doubt the Panthers forget their manhood after so gloriously trotting it out for 7 % of the national market to see while the rest of the country was watching Brett Favre get his rocks off on Tundra.

DETROIT @ SEATTLE

Almost every time I take the Leos, they lose. Not going against the percentages. Seadogs by -10.

TENNESSEE @ SAN FRANCISCO

Oh so close, were we, Samurai? You sure did give Peyton a fight last week. I’m sure, that despite what Chris Johnson says, that The Titans will NOT be going 9-0 for the next nine games. The new losing streak starts here. Niners by -4.

SAN DIEGO @ NY GEEEEMEN

When I first saw the Giants this year, I was surprised at how HUMAN Brandon Jacobs appeared. As a matter of fact, the NY rushing attack hasn’t been ANYTHING like it was last year, and despite the emergence of a couple of talented receivers, there’s no one on the team that Brotha Manning truly has that mojo with. And now, the QB’s continuing to deal with plantar fasciitis. This is a game that the Chargers can take, with the G’ints reeling. Might be a field goal game, but it’s more likely to be a heave-it-and-go game. I like the ‘Bolts to cover the +4 points.

DALLAS @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

If I’m motivating the Cowpuppies this weekend, I’m reminding them of what happened to end the season last year – I wonder if Son of Bum is that smart. Nothing motivates the Iggles, however, like smackin’ around the team with the star on their helmets. I don’t think Romo the Homo beats the Philthy blitz ALL day – I don’t think this one’s close. A lotta hype by the football talking heads, and a big “PLOP”.
Iggles big.

PISSBURGH @ DENVER

Ahhh, the ESPN folks must be ecstatic about the intriguing games they’re getting this season! And this one, looking anemic earlier, now has more juice than your Harris Teeter! Denver has the defense to go toe-to-toe with Worthless Berger, especially in the rarified air of the Mile-High-Metropolis. But Denver will rarely see a defense of Pissburgh’s caliber this season. Another body bag game involving that team from the Three Rivers area. Low scoring, hard-hitting, and victorious for the Squeelers, who win by +3.
At least.

I’m feelin’ purty good about this week. I’m quite certain I finally rise above the doldrums I’ve been in all year, just like our Panthers. Some of you I’ll see at Cheesmo’s. The rest of you will read my rant Sunday Night. With all teams in the league completing their halfway mark by the end of Monday Night, the Quarterly Report will be out next week.

Last week -6-7

Season – 58-57 DANGEROUSLY close to slobbering over my Aunt Rachel…

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