13 November, 2008


November 13th, 2008

I’m convinced the fortunes of one Jake Delhomme and one Cedar Street Seer were linked last week. My clairvoyance rating of 28.6 was only marginally better than Jakes’ 12.7. A drunken monkey could have picked better than me. Now, mind you, my attention is focused on the SPREAD itself, and not the actual WIN or LOSS. Any goober could do that. At any rate, the byes are over for the season, and now all 32 teams will be playing for either playoff seeding, their playoff lives, playoff spoilers, or, the string. This should have helped me last week, but no…

***SIGH*** I’m committed to this thing, so here I go…

Now, THIS makes me upset not being able to see, as this game is broadcast on The Elitist NFL Network. This is a HUGE game with HUGE playoff implications. The Pastry-Rots are actually finding their form late in the season, which is a surprise to me, considering the injury to Brady and the age of the defense. It pains me, but I would actually have to give much of the credit of keeping the good ship Patriot afloat to Dr EvilCheck. And EvilCheck’s Mini-Me, Eric Mangini, has done a great job with his BRETS, too. The defense of The BRETS is near the top of the league, in particular, in sacks. I’d expect Favre to puncture that weak Patsie secondary often, when T. Jones isn’t gashing the line. If the Patsie O linemen can keep the BRET rush off Cassle long enough, expect a shootout. Last team with the ball wins, but the loser is still very much in the playoff chase. The line is at –3 to the home team, and that’s a close one. I’m leaning to the BRETS in this one.

The Broncoids really surprised me last week with their road victory at Clevelandland. PantherNation is counting on the same thing to happen at the Duckie Pond this Sunday. Don’t count on it. If the Duckie D was able to stifle the powerful Saints attack, I can imagine the same result against Denver. And without a respectable defense, I don’t see how Denver stops the Duckies’ rushing attack AND Ryan’s formidable passing game. Unless the Duckies are looking past this game to the MONSTER BATTLE against US next week, this one won’t be close. The Broncoids really need this game to stay ahead of San Diego, but a loss doesn’t cripple their division chances. The Duckies, on the other hand, MUST win this game if they are going to challenge for a playoff spot. I SORELY want the Broncoids to prevail, but it ain’t happenin. The line’s at 6 and it KILLS ME, just RIPS ME APART to say it, but the Duckies prevail. It will be up to us to take ‘em down.

Here’s the only stat you need to know about this game- West coast teams coming east are 0-14. 0-14! I don’t need to waste much keystrokes on this one. You know the state of the Schraiders, Miami is playing for a postseason spot, if not the division. They played around too much with the SeaDawgs last week, and they won’t do it again this week. The line is at –10 ½, and the Dolphins make it happen.

The Resurgent Ravens, angered by my endless flow of “Nevermore” statements, are in prime position to challenge the Squealer dominance of the division. I think the intimidation factor is at ZERO for these purple-clad warriors as they go to the Stadium in The Swamp. The G’ints are at the top of the conference, and as much as they’d like to keep it there, there’s a bit of a motivating factor here. This is a game they DON’T have to have, and the Ravens DO. Even with a loss, the GEEMen stay ahead of the division. A loss for the Ravens isn’t devastating, but hampers the divisional race. This is a statement game for them, and lost in the Matt Ryan Lovefest is the fact that Joey Flacco is having an incredible rookie season. I expect it to continue. I like the Ravens and the +6 ½ points.

The bell has rung for the Texans, yet again. A promising season is now on the brink. The playoffs chances for Houston are now all but non-existent. Without a capable QB, they go to play a solidly resurgent Colts team fresh off the unexpected and most impressive victory on the ROAD against the Squealers. While the division is out of reach for Indy, a playoff spot is now very possible, with a relatively light schedule remaining. Manning is clicking now, and the defense rejuvenated with the return of mighty safety Sanders. The Colts have something to say to the league, and they’re saying it at the right time. The line is –8 to the Colts, no problem. Take the Colts.

Some time this season, The Titans are going to lose a game. At 9-0, they are a game or two away from punching their playoff ticket. Whether it’s a 1 or 2 seed remains to be seen, but this contest with the Jag-you-whyers loomed so large earlier in the year. That’s until they went gaspipe to the Texans and WINLESS Cincinattah. As shown in DaBears game last week, it will take an extraordinary effort to stop the Titan’s offense. The Jags just don’t have it. A blemish on the Titan’s record doesn’t happen this week. The line is –3 for Tennessee, and it might as well be 30.

Here’s another HUMONGOUS MAMMOTH TITANIC divisional game with ENOURMOUS playoff implications. The Packers are fighting for their playoff lives, because as I’ve stated at least TWICE on this blog, only the division winner makes the playoffs in the NFC North. Aaron Rogers is banged up, but he’s a warrior of the Brett Favre mold, and the players rally to him. Kyle Orton has made a believer out of HIS team, and DaBears are moving the ball well on offense when they’re not playing the Titans. Defense will make the difference on this day, and neither team is playing D particularly well this season. I keep waiting for DaBear D to make a comeback, and I’ve decided that it’s not forthcoming. This will be a shootout, regardless whether Orton ‘eers an “OO or not. DaBears need this game to keep up with the Vikings, but a loss doesn’t knock them out of the divisional race. A loss for the Packers could be devastating. The line is off at this posting, and I’m leaning to the home Packers to survive ONE MORE WEEK.

Last week was the MUST WIN game for the Iggles. And the fact that they didn’t tempers their attitude as they go to Bungles, who are rejoicing a sole win. Philthy can’t afford another loss, and the Bungles are playing loose right now. I think this plays closer than the line indicates. Andy Reid has exposed his own “Bungles” in big game play calling, and it’s possible Cincinattah takes advantage of that, seeing as they have absolutely nothing to lose. While I expect the Fleagles to win this game, I’d lean to the Bungles to cover the +9 points at home. I hate to do it, I REALLY hate to do it… I can’t believe I’m feelin’ the Bungles this week, I just can’t…

I’m impressed with the fight the Chefs have shown in the past few weeks. I mean, REALLY impressed. Here’s a bunch of young football players who are showing pride and a willingness to play, and that speaks volumes about the leadership of Herm Edwards, who I think deserves another year with this group. Taking the Bucs and Bolts to the wire gives them hope that they can give the home fans ONE MORE WIN against a Saints team that is on the brink of losing the season, and the crowd will probably be into this game. A loss here will finish it for New Orleans. They took a beating last week at Atlanta, and they’ll be in a fight here. The Saints are favoured by 5 ½ , but I like the Chefs to cover.

Ok, I’m goin’ out on a limb right here. There is no way, no how, Jake Delhomme repeats his anti-performance of a lifetime of last week’s abortion at crOakland. Not happenin. This is the last “gimme” game on the Panther’s schedule, and it’s IMPERATIVE that we CRUSH these kittie kats EARLY. The Cats are not just playing for GETTING to the playoffs; they are playing for a top seed. Again, this is a game YOU MUST WIN. Foxy has a great coaching opportunity here with last week’s Schraider game to get the home team up. They’ve already seen the Bucs struggle with the Chefs; the FredSkins lose AT HOME to the winless Lambs, so I don’t expect much trouble this Sunday, unless we make the gargantuan mistake of looking past the Lie-uns to the Duckie Pond. Weather will be great, Clay’s pit will be outstanding, and so will the Panthers. This happens to be the biggest line of the week at 14, no problem. The Panthers are superior in every phase of the game, and are far more motivated. Panthers in a laugher.

Here’s another contest with HUGE playoff implications. The Vikings MUST have this game to keep up with DaBears, and the Bucs have got to catch up with the Panthers and hold off the Duckies. Expect a hard-hittin’ schlobberknocker. I don’t think the Bucs can STOP AP, they can only hope to CONTAIN him. If he gets on track, that takes some heat off of Augustus. I’m thinking the better defense wins the game, and these two are pretty equal. A loss doesn’t eliminate either team from the playoff sweepstakes, but will make their ticket tougher. The Vikes haven’t won here since ’97, and they’re due. Tampa’s favoured by 3 ½, and for once, I’m feelin’ good about the Buccaneer’s opponent, who I’d encourage you to take.

The Phoney-Niners showed me a lot last Monday Night. The Cardy-Noles were who WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!! THAT’S WHY THEY TOOK THE FIELD!!! AND THEY ALMOST LET ‘EM OFF THE HOOK!!! SO CROWN THEIR ASS!!! Ok, all Denny Green meltdown humour aside, I’m much impressed with the effort shown by Samurai’s warriors. The Lambs appear to have given up. I expect The Niners to fight for Singletary harder than the Lambs will fight for Haslett in a game that means absolutely NOTHING. The line is –6 to the home team, and I’m leanin’ to it.

The SeaDawgs get Matt Hassle-back just in time to er, uh, save the season. Sorry, Matt. The Cardy-Noles had a harder time than they needed to have last Monday, and I doubt that’s repeated. Kurt Warner continues to have an MVP season, and this game will add to his status. The division is a foregone conclusion, and like the Panthers and G’ints, they are playing for seeding, which I’m expecting to be AT LEAST 3rd. I like the Cards and –3.

Uhoh, Sad Diego. Guess where you get to go to attempt to save your season? Pissburgh has lost ITS LAST TWO HOME GAMES and they had NO BUSINESS losing to the Colts last week. Think they’ll be motivated? That’s like expecting Adam Jones to “make it rain” if you just MENTION Gold Club. While the Squealer offense is average, their defense is MAD nasty. It will be tough for Rivers and Co. to get going against an INSPIRED Pissburgh D. I doubt the Bolt defense can pressure Big Ben enough to make a difference. The Squealers, if for nothing else, MUST have this game to preserve their home field advantage. The Chargers MUST have this game to catch the Broncoids. And oddly enough, a loss for either of these teams does not kill their playoff hopes. The line is at – 4 ½ for Pissburgh, and I think they WEAR the Chargers OUT.

Ahhhh, now HERE’S a game of MONSTER playoff implications. Mound after mound of metaphysical dirt has been dumped on the Cowpuppies, page after page of malfeasance written about everything that’s wrong with “America’s Team”. With Romo the Homo back, here’s a chance for them to delay the inevitable. Here’s the problem- your fixin’ to play a team that EMBARRESSED you AT HOME. The ForeSkins are still smarting from the loss they took at the hands of the Squealers, and are looking to get back in the win column to keep pace with the GEEMen. A loss will end the playoff chances of the Cowgirls. A loss for the DeadSkins is not so crippling. But I’m convinced Warshingtoon is the better team, even if Clinton Portis does not play (they may have to tranquilize him to keep him off the field). They’ll show it Sunday night. I’m thinking this becomes a showcase for Warshingtoon’s defense. Wrong team favoured- Gimme the FredSkins and the +1 ½ points.

A promising start to the season for Buffalo is now in jeopardy of collapsing. From a team of overachievers to now underachievers, the Bills have lost 3 of their last 4, a trend that must stop if they are to make the playoffs. Clevelandland is already out of the picture, and they could play spoiler as they test out their new boy toy in QB Brady Quinn. While they looked good last week at home to Denver, they couldn’t stop Cutler’s determined game. The season hangs in the balance for Trent Edwards to play the same. I went Bermanism last week, and got burnt. I’ll do it again here. Bills favoured by –5, and if they lose THIS one, it’s done.

Now THERE’S a set of picks to lose the Hawaii vacation on! I’d be SHOCKED if I repeated last week’s carnage-

See ya in the lot!

Last week-



Season- 56-54

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