THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 13

November 26, 2008

Whoopee. I was one game better than the stinker I had two weeks ago. At least I’m not in double digit bad. As Jake is throwing better, so my picks are improving. But this is a crazy season. There’s no way I would have given the Schraiders a chance in Denver. NO WAY! And incredibly enough, the Croakland win gives them a chance to actually WIN THE DIVISION! And this is crazier- because the Chefs beat the Broncoids this season, there’s actually a mathematical chance that the Chefs win the division if the rest of the wretched division looses out! But the chances of that happening are the same chances Michael Vick has in joining the Panthers. But there you go. And if you had told me the Duckies would have dropped 45 on the Panthers I would have called the emotional health emergency room on you. And I have that affliction most fans have, in feeling love for the underdog. I took so many dogs last week, I feel like the damned animal shelter. Not this week, baby. While I still like some low-point doggies (with an exception being a low-point kitty cat, you’ll see later in the post) there’s just no way I’m takin’ the double-digit dawg this week. There’s plenty of drama and playoff struggles this week, and with that, here’s the playoff picture in the league before I start-

AFC DIVISIONAL LEADERS
TENNESSEE
NY BRETS
PISSBURGH
DENVER

AFC WILD CARD
INDIANAPOLIS
BALTY-MOORE

AFC STILL ALIVE
NEW ENGLANDLAND
MIAMI
BUFFALO

AFC ON LIFE SUPPORT
JACKSONVILLE
CLEVELANDLAND
HOUSTON
CROAKLAND


NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GEEMEN
TAMPA BAY
ARID-ZONA
MINI-SODA

NFC WILD CARD
CAROLINA
WARSHINGRTOON

NFC STILL ALIVE
ATLANTA
DALLAS
CHICAGO
NEW ORLEANS

NFC ON LIFE SUPPORT
PHILTHYDELPHA
GREEN BAY
SAD FRANCISCO (believe it or not!!!)


TENNESSEE @ DETROIT
The holiday game slate opens up with what was once an oddly anticipated matchup between the unbeaten and the winless until the Titans had to go ahead and screw it up by losing to the BRETS. Now this looks like an excuse to actually talk to Uncle Mel and Aunt Edna. Detroit does not have the defensive power to stop the Titans rushing OR passing attack. They will be smarting from that home loss, and other than some magical karmatic intervention from some unknown malevolence, there’s little chance for the Lie-uns in this one. The Titans will be the first playoff clincher this week. I like the Titans and the –11 points.

SEATTLE @ DALLAS
By this time, you may actually have a good enough buzz that talking to Uncle Mel is actually ok, and you won’t care if Romo the Homo throws another touchdown pass to Owens. Or Witten. Or Barber. Or whoever. Seattle is in the tank and has zero motivation for even playing this game. There’s no angle, no possibility that the Cowpuppies don’t cover this game. They get strong into the wild card chase with that –12 ½ point win.

ARID-ZONA @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
Those lucky enough to have access to the elitist bastard NFL Network will now tune out Uncle Mel and watch the intriguing contest between the train wreck Fleagles, and the emergent Cardy-noles. The rest of us will spread out on the couch with our hands in our pants and doze off while the kids watch some goofy flick. Meanwhile, that prolific offense of the Cards punctures the downtrodden Iggles. While the Boids are still mathematically alive, pride is the only realistic motivating factor. They may keep it close in the first quarter, but I feel the Cards are playing with a purpose. They clinch the division with a win, and eliminate the wretched Phoney Niners from their microscopic chances. The wrong team is favored here. Take the Cardy-noles and the +3 points, straight up.

DENVER @ NY BRETS
I’m going to go ahead and say it. The BRETS are for real, and are going to be a playoff force. If you can go to the Titan’s house and PUNK them, you’ve got PLAYERS, and you’re relevant. And I’m going to say this- The Broncoids are a complete fraud. You do NOT lose to the wretched Croakland Schraiders AT HOME. The under-talented, undermanned Broncoids are NOT going to challenge the now super-hot BRETS at G’ints Stadium this Sunday. Ain’t happening. I like the BRETS and the 7 ½ points BIG.

SAD FRANCISCO @ BUFFALO
I’ll give the Phoney-Niners credit- they hung tough and fought against Dallas last week, even though they were over matched. This week it might be tougher yet- Rich Stadium promises to be cold and snowy, perfect Buffalo conditions. You know Samurai won’t take weather as an excuse, but the Bills have found new life, and this is a game they can win. The Niners won’t have any thing to play for short of pride having been eliminated from playoff contention on Thanksgiving evening. I’ll take the Bills by –7.

N’AWLINS @ TAMPA BAY
A huge, HUGE NFC South battle. Most of us had given up the Saints for dead until they BUSTED the Packers last Monday. The Bucs are quite ordinary, but they are winning, AND they are in first place. The Saints are bursting with confidence right now, and despite their defensive deficiencies, it’s possible Bree’s vertical passing game could be used as a defensive measure by Coach Peyton. I’m expecting a shoot-out. I think the Saints have one more big game in ‘em. I’m leaning to the Saints and the +3 ½.

CAROLINA @ GREEN BAY
For the Packers, this is a game of playoff survival. If they lose this one, the playoffs become a remote event. The Panthers are not as desperate, but they need this one if a home field bye is their goal. This game absolutely requires that Foxball be played for any chance at victory. And I think this scenario plays right into it. The Packers suck against the run, and the Panthers will give them all they can stand. The defense is guaranteed not to suck again, and Panther Nation will see the Duckie game as an absolute abberation. Book it, Dano.
Panthers and the +3.

NY GEEEEMEN @ WARSHINGTOON
The mighty GeeeMen are unquestionably the class of the league right now. The game they are playing is head and shoulders above everyone else, and I don’t see any reason the DeadSkins present any matchup problems for them. The Skins didn’t play them well at the start of the season, they won’t play them well now unless Noo Yawk just plain sleepwalks through the game. The G’ints can be the third playoff clincher with a win, and that will be motivation enough. Gimme the G’ints BIG.

MIAMI @ ST. LOOEY
Last week’s game against the Pastry-Rots was a lot closer than the score indicated, and the loss wasn’t fatal. Losing this one won’t be either, but if the playoffs are the goal of Tuna’s boys, then THIS IS THE GAME YOU HAVE TO WIN. The Lambs have shot their two-win load, and now, QB Bulger is struggling with a concussion, who was their best chance at even being competitive. Miami’s playing good football this season. The line is off for this game, but there’s no question. Take the DullFins. Big.

BALTY-MOORE @ CINCINATTAH
Just like the Phins in the last game, THIS IS THE GAME YOU WIN if your goal is the playoffs. The Bungles are a team in disarray, and I just don’t see how they overcome the superior play of the Ravens. The division is still within reach, and Coach Harbaugh will be sure to keep that fact front and center for the Chesapeake Warriors. They’ll be plenty juiced for this one, and it won’t be close. Ravens and the –7.

INDIANAPOLIS @ CLEVELANDLAND
Brownie Nation just got the bad news yesterday- The Brady Boys Bandwagon officially got grounded for the season as Quinn’s index finger puts him on IR. Too bad. With the Colts starting to hit their stride, they have a chance to further solidify their wild card chances. Cold and snowy won’t matter, either. I’d expect Dungee to coach an “A” game. Take Indy and the –4 ½ points.

ATLANTA @ SAD DIEGO
As bad as the Charger’s record is, the fact that the Broncoids suck so bad actually gives them hope to win the division. The players aren’t so McSnabbed that they don’t see it- A win here and a Broncoid loss puts them within a game with four to go. Motivation? You bet. The Duckies are great at home, and so-so on the road. This will be a test for this powerful offense. This game will be tightly played. This kills me, KILLS me to have to do this again, and this is one game I’d like to be wrong about, but the Duckies cover them +5 points.

PISSBURGH @ NEWENGLANDLAND
Pissburgh is the Tampa Bay of the AFC. They are at 8-3, and doing it with defense and an ordinary offense. The Pastry-Rots have renewed life with the victory at Miami, and the inspiring play of Matt Cassel. Here’s a news flash, Matt- The going will be MUCH tougher against THIS defense, which is arguably the best in the NFL. If NewEnglandland’s defense can get just A LITTLE heat on that weak O line of Pissburgh’s, they can give themselves a chance. On offense, they will have to keep that ferocious Squealer pass rush contained. Tall order for the Pastry-Rots. I’m finding it hard to pick against the Squealers, a one point underdog. And I won’t. I lean to the Squealers in this one, and no matter the outcome, both teams live to fight for playoff positioning next week.

KANSAS CITY @ CrOAKLAND
If you had told me that in Week 13 of this season that the Schraiders still had playoff hopes, I would have considered you for interment. If the Broncoids and Bolts both lose this weekend, all of a sudden CrOakland is alive for the divisional championship with a win. Oh God, and Al Davis would be insufferable. Both teams are deeply flawed, but are still playing hard. As goofy as the Schraider’s coaching staff is, certainly they know what’s at stake. Originally I didn’t want to get close to this game, but it actually has a little juice. I’m throwin’ the Schraiders a bone, and leanin’ to ‘em and the –3 points.

CHICAGO @ MINI-SODA
This is no doubt the game of the week. Tied for the lead at 6-5, the division is in the balance. I don’t think the Bear defense is up for stopping Adrian Peterson, who will dominate this game. The Bear defense hasn’t been up the whole year, and will need new blood in the offseason. The key for the Vikings is also stopping the strong running attack of Matt Forte. If he gets loose, then Kyle Orton will definitely ‘eer some ‘oos down the field wearing Bears white, navy and orange. The Vikings know what’s at stake, and I’m leaning to them and the –3 points.

JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON
Whooo Boy, what a great game to end the holiday weekend! A stout pair of 4-7 teams with fast-flickering, virtually non-existant playoff hopes. Jacksonville is by far the most disappointing team this season, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see Del Rio the latest hot seat contestant. Houston was expected to be better this year, but losing Matt Schaub was a blow. If Rosenfels can find Andre Johnson enough times, they just might make the home Houstoners a happy horde for their Monday night. It’s hard to get a juicy feeling for this game, but I’ll lean to the Texans and the –3 points.

Happy Thanksgiving, Fanz-
Be thankful for what you got. If you’re reading this on your computer at your home or office, you’re already blessed. Some of you I’ll see Sunday, and if not- I’ll be back with another verbage-filled rant really soon.

Last week- minor improvement 7-9
Season- 69-73

Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
And be sure to title your message
“CLAWIN’ OUR WAY TO TAMPA BAY!!!”
CaptnTee@aol.com