THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 10

November 5th, 2008

I’ve done it again. I have raised “Sister Kissin’” to a new level with another 7-7 week. But I have a feeling, now that we’ve reached the midpoint season of the year, that I will be doing a better job of handicapping these picks, as the contenders play for postseason positioning. Besides, I’ve committed to this part of the PantherFanZ RantZ, so I’ll soldier on, ‘cause I’m professional like dat.

Here we go.

DENVER @ CLEVELANDLAND
Here goes the NFL Network with it’s elitist schedule of Thursday Night games that only subscribers can receive. What a scrumptious offering they serve tomorrow night! The sputtering Broncoids take their mediocre game to The Dawg Pound, where it seems the fans have decided to give Derrick Anderson the boot. To Quinn’s favour, he couldn’t start out with a softer defense to debut this season with. I’m thinking the going is easier for the Brownies if they can play ball control on the visitors. Denver is in a downward spiral, and the Brownies have to make a stand NOW if they want to even SNIFF a chance at even playing spoiler this year. I’m leanin’ to the Brownies and the –3 points.

JACKSONVILLE @ DETROIT
As the Sunday games begin, it’s now clear that the Jag-you-whyers are no longer relevant to the playoff picture. Losing to the Bungles takes care of that. And now, a chance for another winless team to get a win against the league’s most disappointing team. The Leos are actually playing ok offense, and I’m really close to pronouncing this pick as a stone cold, lead-pipe LOCK! Daunte Culpepper makes his debut with the team, and he has Calvin Johnson to throw to. This is the last chance for Culpepper to revive his career, and I think it’s enough motivation for the Lie-uns win this game. Forget the Jags and the –6. Take the Lie-uns.

TENNEESSEE @ CHICAGO
Here’s where it gets dicey for DaBears. Orton is out, and WRECKS comes in to QB. He’s been inconsistent at best, and the Titans are the WRONG team to get started on. The weather is still quite benign at Soldier Field, and I have no confidence in the offense’s ability to puncture that potent Titan “D”. The Bears’ “D”, on the other hand, is but a shadow of what it once was. If the lowly LEOS could score 23 points on them, imagine what the Titans could put on them with that juggernaut rushing attack! The only thing that casts a negative on Tennessee is the motivation factor. They are so far ahead of everyone else in the playoff chase, it may become harder and harder for Coach Fisher to keep this team from complacency from week to week. If any coach can, it ought to be him. Here’s a chance for the Packers or Vikings to catch up today. The line favours the Titans by 3, and I’ll take it!

BUFFALO @ NEWENGLANDLAND
So, the Bills have come back to earth, and the division is now a dogfight. I remember a frequently occurring axiom from Boomer Berman that goes like this: “No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills”… Something in my clairvoyance gland is whispering that to me as I type this. Both teams are battered, and the Pastry-Rots struggled with a really average Colts team last week. The division is not lost with a defeat by either team, but it’s important in the wild card hopes. I’m leaning to the Bills and +4 ½.

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA
Rested and ready for the last half push, the Saints have a MUST WIN at the resurgent Duckies. I seriously doubt the Saints offense will roll over and die like crOakland did last week for the home soiled ornithoformmes. They will need to get enough out of the running game to keep the improving pass rush off of Drew Brees. If he’s got time to throw, they should be able to move up and down the field, and keep the Duckies off the field. I’m not ready to believe in the Duckies yet, and I’m not ready to totally bury the Saints yet, who still have enough offensive firepower to puncture most ordinary teams in the league. The game’s a pick’em right now, and I’m proclaiming the “reverse karma” trend involving AFC Worst teams and our division. Pick the Who ‘Dats.

ST. LOOEY @ NOO YAWK B*R*E*T*S
Ready to guess who deserves to be the BRETS MVP this season? I’ll give you a hint- he ain’t from Kiln, Mississippi. The ex-Panther Kris Jenkins is providing a much-needed boost in the run defense for the team, and is really making a difference. The run is what the Lambs (now demoted from Rams once again) will have to bring to bear in a home game that now means everything to the BRETS who have a great chance to win the division for the first time since 2002. I’m still not ready to throw a bunch of love at the BRETS, and I still have a feeling the Lambs have a little bit more fight in them for a few games yet. The line is really large at 8, and while I don’t doubt NooYawk wins the game, I think the Lambs give ‘em a tussle. Gimme the Lambs and the points.

SEATTLE @ MIAMI
There is no freakin’ way this is a sucker bet. Do you think for a moment the Miami Dull-phins don’t want to wash the stink of last season out of their mouths as bad as they want to give it to another future doormat? The Dull-phins are brimming with confidence, playing good, sound football on both sides of the ball, and they have something to say about the AFC playoff picture. And they’ll say it. They will pick on the beleaguered SeaDawg defense, and blitz relentlessly on Seneca Wallace. I like Miami and the –9 points in sunny, steamy Dolphins Stadium.

GREEN BAY @ MINI-SODA
This is a HUGE MONSTER ENOURMOUS GIGANTICUS game for both teams. The Vikings and their fans are finally feeling optimistic for the first time this season. The Metrodome will be brain-crushingly loud, and the defense PUMPED. They know DaBears are punctured without Kyle Orton, and this is their chance to catch up. I don’t respect the Packer’s run game, and the Vikings have built their team around it. I really like the Vikings to control the game with Adrian Peterson, and if they can pressure Aaron Rogers, the fans will be happy in The Twin Cities. I think it happens. The winner finds itself in a tie with Chicago (should the Titans do what they are supposed to do), and the loser will have to look inside themselves and rally for the final seven games. Gimme the Vikes and the –2 ½ points over the Cheese.

CAROLINA @ crOAKLAND
The Panthers make their second and final Worst Coast trip this weekend to play a team that could possibly be worse than Kansas City. The lackluster effort put forth by the Schraiders could not possibly be duplicated AGAIN, could it? The QB is garbage, there’s no run game, and the defense is stopping NOONE. I think the outcome is as close to a foregone conclusion as you could get in this league, but again, If Foxy fails to motivate the team to get up for a really dreadful ball club, we could revisit the stinker we laid at Tampa, or conversely, the stinker Tampa laid at Arrowhead last week. Don’t think Foxy hasn’t reminded the team of it. This is the game YOU MUST WIN IF YOU ARE CHALLENGING FOR A TOP PLAYOFF SPOT. We run run run run run run run run the ball, and the defense will smell blood, I guarantee it. The line is at 8 ½, and the ‘Cats WIN BIG.

KANSAS CITY @ SAN DIEGO
With the Broncoids struggling, the Chargers have a golden opportunity to right the ship and get back into the division picture. The pieces are still there offensively, the defense simply has to play better. The Charger braintrust felt it necessary to fire the DC, so now they get to see what new coordinator Ron Rivera cooks up to serve to the Chefs. The Chefs are playing harder now, but it won’t be enough. I think Rivers, LT, Gates and Co. bomb and bomb and bomb the hapless Chefs at QualComm this Sunday. The line is 13 ½ and it’s reasonable. Gimme dem Bolts.

INDIANAPOLIS @ PISSBURGH
I had no ideal the Pissburgh “D” was as potent as what I saw Monday night. Incredible. Almost ’85 Bears good. But the offense is ordinary by comparison. The Colts get some important pieces back, particular Bob Sanders, who was truly impressive in the secondary against the Patsies last week. It won’t be enough. I don’t think the Colts pass rush is enough to fluster even Byron Leftwich, and I guarantee Coach Tomlin keeps his backup under tight control. Expect him to manage the game and let Indy make all the mistakes. This feels like for all the world to be a low –scoring game. A loss by the Colts takes them out of playoff contention, and reduces them to spoiler status. The Squealers need to keep that one game cushion between them and the Ravens, who are still salivating for the rematch coming up. A loss by Pissburgh will, uh… Not happenin. They are NOT LOSING TO THE COLTS AT HOME. PERIOD. The line is off, but I certainly feel good about taking the Squealers at home this week.

NOO YAWK GEEEEMEN @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
This is another MASSIVE TREMONSTEROUS TITANIC MAMMOTH game to be played in the NFC. The G’ints stand by themselves atop the entire conference. A win strengthens their position not only in the division, but the home field advantage. With Dallas dispatched, I have this weird feeling that despite being better on paper, The G’ints won’t be coming into this game as motivated as the Phleagles, who will be playing for their playoff lives. A loss by the Iggles throws them back into a last-place tie with the CowGirls, with the Foreskins, Bucs and Duckies well ahead in postseason positioning. Expect the Phleagles to blitz Manning relentlessly, and Donovan McSnabb to dink and dunk to Westbrook to control the ball. I like the home team and the –3 points.

BALL-TEA-MOORE @ HOUSTON
Another huge game with playoff implications. The Ravens are one game looking up at Pissburgh with a rematch on the horizon. A win here is necessary to continue relevancy in divisional consideration, at least wild card standings. With Sage Rosenfels at QB for the Oil- uh, Texans, I think the Ravens have a great chance to get that road win and keep pace with the Squealers. Houston’s D hasn’t been all that stellar this year, and I’m thinking the emergent running attack can get good yards on them. The Raven’s D is playing well (although the Brownies gashed them for 27 points last week. The wrong team is favoured in this contest- Take the Ravens and the +1.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ARID-ZONA
New coach Samurai Singletary follows his wretched debut with a near-impossible task. Shaun Hill, an untested, undrafted and unknown QB takes the reigns of the Phoney-Niners against the Dynasty Of The Desert. Many of us who follow football remember Arizona’s last Monday night appearance that featured a post-game meltdown by Denny Green (THEY WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!) I absolutely guarantee you that this will not happen in this game. The Cardy-noles are arguably playing the best offensive football in the league now, and will be extraordinarily difficult for Samurai’s Niners to stop. Or overcome.
The line is -9 ½ for the Cardy-noles, and sounds good to me. The Playoff Express continues for Arid-zona, and the futility continues for Sad Francisco.

There you go, Fanz, two days early. Call your bookmakers today, and either believe my picks or run like hell the other way. Enjoy the games, either way-

Last week, (wiping off sister smooch) 7-7
Season - 52-44

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