Welcome to Week 10, Fanz, and Day 3 of my recuperation from biceps surgery. I’m going to attempt the weekly handicap with one hand hovering over the keyboard, which I can tell you, is a major pain in the a$$! Precursory to my surgery, I had yet another miserable week of forecasting. Can it get worse?
Since I have not been implicated in any scandals, I, in the words of the The Head PantherfanzCoach, retain this job of Editor-in-Chief until I pass the earthly bounds. So here is your Paterno-free commentary and prognostication for the weekend ahead. Starting with tonight.
And as I am one-handing this, I will make a SIGNIFIGANT attempt to keep each capsule brief.
OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO
This game should have more juice than it does, and I must say that the performance of the top three teams in the division has been disappointing at the least. All the Raiders had to do last week was to beat a MISERABLE Broncoids team! If Rivers doesn’t toss a pair of pick-sixes, the Packers lose their first game of the season! So, as with much of the contests this weekend, I find it hard to handicap this matchup. Both squads are turning the ball over in alarming amounts, and both squads are dealing with injuries and personnel changes. And, BOTH teams have FAILED to cover the spread for the past few weeks. Time for a team to make a stand, but it won’t be this week. In a game filled with mistakes and error-prone play, I, with much hesitation, predict the Raiders cover the +7 on the road.
PISSBURGH @ CINCINNATI
This weekend also features many intriguing divisional showdowns. This is the first. The Bengals are a different team this year, and so are the Squeelers. Embarrassed at home last Sunday night, The Men of Squeel have shown their vulnerability to the league on the national stage. If the Ravens’ sputtering offense could get well against THIS defense, I’m thinking the efficient Bungles could do the same. That porous o-line of Pissburgh had best keep Worthlessberger’s jersey clean or it‘s TWO “L’s” for the SqueelBoys. Wrong team favored- Take the Bungles and the +3.
DENVER @ KANSAS SHITTY
When you lose to the previously winless Phish AT HOME when you’ve got the division lead IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, you once again become Kansas Shitty. I refuse to succumb to Te-BLOW mania, and I refuse to acknowledge him as an NFL QB. If the Chefs can respond the way they did against the Chargers two weeks ago, they’ll win handily. Reluctantly, I lean to the Chefs and the -3.
JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
Uggh.
You know, at some point, Dolts GM Bill Polian has GOT to take some heat for UTTERLY FAILING to prepare his putrid team, or having a legitimate contingency in place, for the absence of Peyton Manning. They have been terrible in ALL phases of the game. This is their ONE CHANCE at salving the home fans pride just the tiniest bit with a “W” over the miserable Jagy-Whyers. I’m callin’ it. Dolts not just to cover, but to WIN! Hell, Miami and Sad Looey got off the shnide the past couple of weeks, it’s time for the Dolts.
BUFFALO @ DALLAS
For both teams, a critical crossroads game. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game just to stay relevant in the conference, the Bills need to keep pace with not just the Pastry-Rots, but now, the Jets, by virtue of their convincing win last week at RW. The Cowboys' offense STILL hasn’t found its gear, and last week was a great opportunity for it to do so against a struggling Seadogs team. The Bills self-destructed against a determined Jets defense, and Dallas’ is just about as good. I think this will be a low scoring, hard hitting game, one which I think the Bills will cover. Bills and the +5 ½.
HOUSTON @ TAMPA BAY
The Texans have a chance to separate themselves with a win this Sunday over the reeling Sucky-neers. If they can continue their potent rushing attack against a punchless defense, they’ll get it. Newly acquired blob of humanity Albert Hanesworth will NOT make a difference for Tampa. Texans by -3.
TENNESSEE @ CAROLINA
It’s hard to gauge how a Ron Rivera coached team performs after a bye- we’ve never seen one! Reports are the team practiced well, and they’ll need to be laser-focused on Chris Johnson. It seems that every elite RB gets well on one of the league’s worst run defenses, but conversely, every team in the league has been getting gashed by the Cam-a-lots! Just like every game we’ve played this year, our opponents will get their yards, but so will we. We will just get more. Panthers by -3.
WARSHINGTOON @ MIAMI
I’m not fooled by that 3-5 record. The DeadSkins are a team that are plummeting, and void of talent, and may actually begin to morph into a “Suck for Luck” team. Incredible as it seems, this stinking Phish actually has a chance to put a bad team away at home. No team has made more personnel moves this week than the DeadSkins, and it won’t help. It won’t be on the Broncoids bad level, but it will be bad enough, this time, with a different result. Phish by -3 ½.
NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA
I’ve been paying close attention to this rivalry for close to 25 years, and my white-hot hatred for the Duckies hasn’t changed, although the cast of characters has. The Saints have had recent successes over Atlanta, and I don’t see that changing now. The Duckies have gotten fat on bad teams, let’s see how they do against a GOOD one! I think Brees & co. will carve up that porous Duckie D, and win convincingly. Games’ a pick ‘em, and you already know what I think.
DETROIT @ CHICAGO
I’m not ready to say the Bears don’t suck. But this game will go far in either extending my derisive view, or shutting my mouth. The Jekyll-Hyde Iggles aren’t a good gauge, this Leos team is. I expect that nasty Suh-led defense to rankle Cutler all afternoon. Like I have been all year, folks, I’m on the Lions.
SAD LOOEY @ CLEVELANDLAND
Double uggh.
A game only a Dawg-pounder could love. ‘Cause I sure can’t. The Lambs are far more banged-up, and most reluctantly, I lean to the Browns, who’ve done a piss-poor job of covering all year.
ARID-ZONA @ PHILTYDELPHIA
Can the maelstrom of negative karma swirling around the state Billy Penn founded continue to swirl around the Iggles this week? If Vick continues to turn the ball over, it just may. On paper, the Boids, should tear the Cardy-noles eleven new buttholes, but I’ve said this Philthy team is one of the NFL’s biggest paper tigers this year. But Arid-zona is BAD. Dull-Phins bad. Line is off, but if Philthy doesn’t win this one, Andy Reid will be finding a spot on the NFL Network sooner than he thinks. I’m takin’ the Iggles.
SEATTLE @ BALTY-MOORE
Remember what happened last time Seattle came east to play a highly regarded team? Fans of the Ravens had better hope Johnny Harbaugh does! They need to bring the same intensity they brought to the Squeelers game last week, and not the lackadaisical effort we saw against Jacksonville and Arid-Zona. I’m of the belief that those games were mirages, and the Quothers will get the job done. And Ed Reed needs to get him a pick-six. Quothers and 6 ½.
NY GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO
It’s been DECADES since the Niners have been relevant, but they are a game away from clinching their first playoff spot since early in the LAST decade. They will, but not in this game. You have to walk before you can run, and the GEEEEE Men are the highest caliber team the Niners will have faced this season. I like the Giants to cover in an exciting, hard fought game. If taking down the Pastry-Rots at Foxboro was possible, puncturing the Niners at The Stick is certainly doable.
NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ NY JETS
And speaking of those Pastry-Rots, a HUGE prime-time matchup awaits them against arch nemesis Sexy Rexy and his J*E*T*S. This is the kind of game Cheat-a-chek usually wins, although the once formidable New Englandgland Machine has been clanking a bit. I’m not convinced of the Jets’ return to power yet. Wrong team favoured in this one. I’m on the Pastry-Rots.
MINI-SODA @ GREEN BAY
The Packers are going to lose at least ONCE this season. Just not this Monday night. No matter how well the improving Ponder plays, and how many yards Peterson piles up, Rodgers & co. will pile up more. MUCH more. Pack by 13 ½.
I want to tell you, this particular rodeo for this keyboard cowboy was particularly rough. What usually takes 45 minutes tops has taken over 3 hours. Gee, I love my job…
Last week – 6-8
Season – 68-58
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
10 November, 2011
05 November, 2011
THE CEDARSTREET SEER'S MIDSEASON REPORT
I cannot believe that this 2011 NFL season is halfway over! The games sure fly by when they are as fiercely contested as our Panthers have made them, which is a sea change over what we endured last year, and that feeling is MOST welcome, and while the losing sucks, knowing better days are ahead make swallerin’ the losses just a bit better. One thing I’ll note in this midseason report is the fact that there had been NO OTA’s due to the lockout, and as I had thought, teams that were not expected to win have made hay while the “contenders” had to struggle to return to a competitive level. These teams have given themselves a great advantage in playoff qualification and seeding as we go into the stretch run in a very entertaining season of football.
Here’s how the league stands this Saturday morning.
AFC DIVISION LEADERS
BUFFALO (5-2) NEW ENGLANDGLAND (5-2) HOUSTON (5-3) PISSBURGH (6-2) KANSAS CITY (4-3) SAN DIEGO (4-3) OAKLAND (4-3)
Two divisions are tied, the West has a THREE way logjam thanks to the inspired play of the suddenly relevant Chiefs! The schedule should be kind to the Bills AND the Pastry-Rots. I expect them to be in the mix for the rest of the year. Houston SHOULDN’T take their foot off of the petal – If they go 5-3 in the second half, that should be good enough to secure their very first division title and a home playoff game! The North should be a MOST exciting race! The Squeelers have a somewhat soft schedule with the NFC Worst games yet to play, but the surprising Bengals are a fangs-width behind. Although Kansas City finds itself in a statistical lead in the West, their remaining eight games are going to be brutal. Oakland has the best chance to pull ahead, and Chargers better get THEIR offense figured out, or they will be looking at another season that comes up just short.
AFC .500 OR ABOVE
CINCINNATI (5-2) BALTY-MOORE (5-2) NY JETS (4-3) TENNESSEE (4-3)
Of these four, I’d expect the Bengals, by virtue of their softer schedule, to have the chance to qualify for at least a wild card spot. If the Ravens don’t figure out their offensive inconsistencies, they’re going to be in trouble. Defense will be the only thing keeping Sexy Rexy’s mouth a’ flappin’ for the Jets, and I expect the Titans to put on a full fade. The rest of their schedule is a killer.
AFC ALIVE BY MATH ONLY
CLEVELANDLAND (3-4) DENVER (2-5) JACKSONVILLE (2-6)
Uh, no.
AFC SUCK FOR LUCK
INDIANAPOLIS (0-8) MIAMI (0-7)
I don’t see how either franchise avoids a total rehaul after the debris of this utter failure of a season is swept away, starting with the head coaches, and I’d suspect even Billy Polian should be held to some scrutiny after failing to come up with some kind of satisfactory contingency after losing Manning for the year. I don’t see a “sure win” on any game on these schedules, but the Colts DO play the Jaggy-whyers twice, while the Phish play the Deadskins in a couple of weeks. I hope Mr. Luck likes South Beach…
NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GIANTS (5-2) NEW ORLEANS (5-3) GREEN BAY (7-0) SAN FRANCISCO (6-1)
You could make a strong case for three of these teams continuing their hold on their respective divisions. For the Packers, it’s a foregone conclusion, their MAIN goal should be staying healthy for the post season and avoid taking all future opponents for granted. The Giants and Saints have to begin running the gauntlets of their division foes, but the Niners, thanks to the spectacular coaching job by the Stanford Miracle Man, are in cruise control, and are just about as much a lock to win their division as the Packers are.
NFC .500 OR ABOVE
TAMPA BAY (4-3) ATLANTA (4-3) CHICAGO (4-3)
I’m expecting to see the NFC South teams continue to fight, I fully expect the Bears to fade.
NFC STATISTICALLY ALIVE
PHILTHYDELPHIA (3-4) DALLAS (3-4) WARSHINGTOON (3-4) CAROLINA (2-6) MINI-SODA (2-6) SEATTLE (2-5)
I think both Philthy and Dallas, if they manage to split the gauntlet of their division, can be a factor. The Deadskins have shot their wad and will not. The Panthers and Vikings have enough offensive firepower to make their remaining games interesting, but woeful defensive shortcomings, and in particular for the Panthers, awful special teams, will make their role more of dangerous spoiler. Both Carolina and Mini-Soda are experiencing franchise salvation with the play of Cam Newton and Christian Ponder, respectively. Anything’s possible in this league, but we’ll see these two become far more relevant next year. With each successive game, Pete Carroll shows himself less and less an NFL coach. The Seahawsks are done.
NFC ON MATH SUPPORT
ST LOUIS (1-6) ARID-ZONA (1-6)
There isn’t a chance in hell either of these will be more than contestants in the “Suck for Luck” campaign, and they’ll even suck at doing that!
As far as the postseason forecast goes, I see New EnglandGland winning the East, Pissburgh seizing the North, Houston EASILY gaining the South, and The RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAHS winning the division for the first time since early in the new century. The Bengals and Bills take the wild card spots.
When the conference championship game is finally over, the team with the best defense SHOULD be the one on top, but I just can’t, can’t CAN’T give that to the Bengals! Could I?
WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY!!!
In the NFC, The Packers survive a late season surge by the Leos in the North, The Giants hold off Philthydelphia in the East, the Saints repel the Duckies and Sucky-neers in the South, and the Niners cruise to an improbable 12-4 finish. The Leos and Bucs secure the wild cards, and let’s get real, folks.
The Frozen Tundra in January? Who’s gonna survive that? The Cheese, that’s who.
And they’ll forever banish the imbecilic and overdone hero worship of that guy that wore #4 when Rogers and company overcome the WhoDeys in Indianapolis for Super Bowl XLVI !
And our attention will turn once again to college basketball…
And I shall rant on…
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Here’s how the league stands this Saturday morning.
AFC DIVISION LEADERS
BUFFALO (5-2) NEW ENGLANDGLAND (5-2) HOUSTON (5-3) PISSBURGH (6-2) KANSAS CITY (4-3) SAN DIEGO (4-3) OAKLAND (4-3)
Two divisions are tied, the West has a THREE way logjam thanks to the inspired play of the suddenly relevant Chiefs! The schedule should be kind to the Bills AND the Pastry-Rots. I expect them to be in the mix for the rest of the year. Houston SHOULDN’T take their foot off of the petal – If they go 5-3 in the second half, that should be good enough to secure their very first division title and a home playoff game! The North should be a MOST exciting race! The Squeelers have a somewhat soft schedule with the NFC Worst games yet to play, but the surprising Bengals are a fangs-width behind. Although Kansas City finds itself in a statistical lead in the West, their remaining eight games are going to be brutal. Oakland has the best chance to pull ahead, and Chargers better get THEIR offense figured out, or they will be looking at another season that comes up just short.
AFC .500 OR ABOVE
CINCINNATI (5-2) BALTY-MOORE (5-2) NY JETS (4-3) TENNESSEE (4-3)
Of these four, I’d expect the Bengals, by virtue of their softer schedule, to have the chance to qualify for at least a wild card spot. If the Ravens don’t figure out their offensive inconsistencies, they’re going to be in trouble. Defense will be the only thing keeping Sexy Rexy’s mouth a’ flappin’ for the Jets, and I expect the Titans to put on a full fade. The rest of their schedule is a killer.
AFC ALIVE BY MATH ONLY
CLEVELANDLAND (3-4) DENVER (2-5) JACKSONVILLE (2-6)
Uh, no.
AFC SUCK FOR LUCK
INDIANAPOLIS (0-8) MIAMI (0-7)
I don’t see how either franchise avoids a total rehaul after the debris of this utter failure of a season is swept away, starting with the head coaches, and I’d suspect even Billy Polian should be held to some scrutiny after failing to come up with some kind of satisfactory contingency after losing Manning for the year. I don’t see a “sure win” on any game on these schedules, but the Colts DO play the Jaggy-whyers twice, while the Phish play the Deadskins in a couple of weeks. I hope Mr. Luck likes South Beach…
NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GIANTS (5-2) NEW ORLEANS (5-3) GREEN BAY (7-0) SAN FRANCISCO (6-1)
You could make a strong case for three of these teams continuing their hold on their respective divisions. For the Packers, it’s a foregone conclusion, their MAIN goal should be staying healthy for the post season and avoid taking all future opponents for granted. The Giants and Saints have to begin running the gauntlets of their division foes, but the Niners, thanks to the spectacular coaching job by the Stanford Miracle Man, are in cruise control, and are just about as much a lock to win their division as the Packers are.
NFC .500 OR ABOVE
TAMPA BAY (4-3) ATLANTA (4-3) CHICAGO (4-3)
I’m expecting to see the NFC South teams continue to fight, I fully expect the Bears to fade.
NFC STATISTICALLY ALIVE
PHILTHYDELPHIA (3-4) DALLAS (3-4) WARSHINGTOON (3-4) CAROLINA (2-6) MINI-SODA (2-6) SEATTLE (2-5)
I think both Philthy and Dallas, if they manage to split the gauntlet of their division, can be a factor. The Deadskins have shot their wad and will not. The Panthers and Vikings have enough offensive firepower to make their remaining games interesting, but woeful defensive shortcomings, and in particular for the Panthers, awful special teams, will make their role more of dangerous spoiler. Both Carolina and Mini-Soda are experiencing franchise salvation with the play of Cam Newton and Christian Ponder, respectively. Anything’s possible in this league, but we’ll see these two become far more relevant next year. With each successive game, Pete Carroll shows himself less and less an NFL coach. The Seahawsks are done.
NFC ON MATH SUPPORT
ST LOUIS (1-6) ARID-ZONA (1-6)
There isn’t a chance in hell either of these will be more than contestants in the “Suck for Luck” campaign, and they’ll even suck at doing that!
As far as the postseason forecast goes, I see New EnglandGland winning the East, Pissburgh seizing the North, Houston EASILY gaining the South, and The RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAHS winning the division for the first time since early in the new century. The Bengals and Bills take the wild card spots.
When the conference championship game is finally over, the team with the best defense SHOULD be the one on top, but I just can’t, can’t CAN’T give that to the Bengals! Could I?
WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY!!!
In the NFC, The Packers survive a late season surge by the Leos in the North, The Giants hold off Philthydelphia in the East, the Saints repel the Duckies and Sucky-neers in the South, and the Niners cruise to an improbable 12-4 finish. The Leos and Bucs secure the wild cards, and let’s get real, folks.
The Frozen Tundra in January? Who’s gonna survive that? The Cheese, that’s who.
And they’ll forever banish the imbecilic and overdone hero worship of that guy that wore #4 when Rogers and company overcome the WhoDeys in Indianapolis for Super Bowl XLVI !
And our attention will turn once again to college basketball…
And I shall rant on…
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9
Well, Fanz, the negative karma continues to fall upon me. A second consecutive week of 5-8 has got me bumfuzzled. Come on, did you think the Chefs would beat the Bolts? Did you think the Iggles would totally emasculate the Cowboys? Did you think that Arid-Zona would push the Ravens to the brink? I think I need some prolonged Yoda time to get my whole yin and yang and feung chi thing figgered out. But even with the Panthers on a bye this week, I still love this game, love this league, and I’m ready to pontificate on my prognostication like the dedicated dude that I am.
Here we go –
ATLANTA @ INDIANAPOLIS
Sad to see, kindof, this once proud franchise playing out the string at 0-8, with NO CHANCE of even a winning season. Another major coaching job awaits both sides, for Mike White, selling his Duckies that this decapitated team can actually beat them, and for Jim Caldwell, the hope that they can actually do the same. Ohhhh, how I’d LOVE to see the Duckies be the first team to lose to the Colts, really I do, but I’m looking at the line, giving a MEAGER -7 points to Atlanta. If they don’t whomp ‘em by more than that, there’s serious trouble in Duckieville.
TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
Now, this game has got me spooked. Which Saints team is showing up on Sunday? The team that blasted the Colts to atoms two weeks ago, or the first team to LOSE to the winless LAMBS last week? The Sucky-neers are rested from their bye, and will likely give their division rivals their best shot. If Freeman can keep from turning the ball over, they’ve got a chance. The Saints are an -8 point favorite at home , but after last week, I’m not touchin’ that. Gimme Tampa and the +8.
CLEVELANDLAND @ HOUSTON
I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Damnit. Texans and -11.
NY JETS @ BUFFALO
All the Bills have to do is run the ball, run the ball, run the ball. Keep the pass plays to a minimum, and they can win a low-scoring game against a team that IS scary on defense, and listless on offense. I like the Bills and the -2 points.
MIAMI @ KANSAS CITY
If you beat the division leaders and move into a tie for first place, you’ve earned the right NOT to be called Kansas Shitty in my weekly blog. Way to go, Chiefs! Now, don’t blow it on a trap game that this could very well be. I haven’t taken the resurgent Chiefs all year. Maybe it’s time I start. Show me sumpfin’, KC – take out the hapless Dullphins on Sunday by the -4 you’re favoured by!
SAN FRANCISCO @ WARSHINGTOON
It gets bad and it gets worse for the Deadskins. Buffalo and Carolina have provided excellent game film on how to overcome this defense. I can see an early exodus from Danny Snyder’s FedEx Field. Take the Niners and the -3 ½ points.
SEATTLE @ DALLAS
The Cowboys are going to have to take their frustrations out on someone – and it sucks for the injury-riddled Seadogs to have to be the one. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game, and they’ve got the personnel to make it happen. By -11 ½ points. At least.
DENVER @ OAKLAND
With two weeks to get into Hue Jackson’s offense, Carson Palmer should be able to manage his new Raiders over the moribund Broncoids, who really, REALLY need to start Brady Quinn – he just CAN’T be any worse that Timmy Terrible – If he has another five turnovers against that rabid Raider defense, how does Foxy not pull the plug on this putrid, failed experiment? And Carson now has his former favorite target to toss touches to, one T.J. Houshmanzada. Take the Raiders and the -8 points.
CINCINNATI @ TENNESSEE
I don’t get this line – a team that can’t run the ball, all of a sudden can’t pass the ball, FAVOURED by 3 over a team that’s among the league leaders in defense? I ain’t buyin’ it, folks. Gimme the BENGALS, yes, the BENGALS and the +3!!!
ST. LOUIS @ ARID-ZONA
Johnny Skelton starts at QB for the Cardy-noles against a previously WINLESS, LIFELESS Rams team that PUNKED the division leading Saints last week. My last memory of Johnny Skelton is the LOSS he suffered to the league WORST Cackalacky Punthers last season to close the book on John Fox’ tenure here in Charlotte. I’m gettin’ a similar vibe here. Wrong team favoured. I like the Lambs to become RAMS, for one week, at least. Steven Jackson leads the ball control small ball offense and gets his team a second consecutive win.
NY GIANTS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND
When Eli Manning tells the press he’s in the same league as Tommy Touchdown, some were irked. I dunno, folks, when you beat a team on the precipice of perfection in the biggest game of the season, I firmly believe you’ve backed yourself up. Take a bow, Eli. There’s no E-L-I-T-E without E-L-I. You and your Giants have fun against that underachieving Pastry-Rot defense. Invent some bulletin board material, Tom, and get fired up about slingin’ bullets against this injury riddled Giants defense! I like the Giants to cover that insane +9 points Vegas has so gifted them, in a terribly exciting, high scoring afternoon game.
GREEN BAY @ SAN DIEGO
Some time, some game, THIS SEASON, someone is going to beat the Packers. Not this team, not this weekend. After last Monday night, the oddsmakers are favouring the CHARGERS???!!! They think they know something. They don’t know what the Cedar Street Seer does. Take the Packers, not only to cover, but to WIN.
BALTY-MOORE @ PISSBURGH
Think the Squeelers don’t remember the seven-turnover debacle of the season opener? Revenge, especially for THIS team, is a strong motivating factor. Jerome Harrison will be back at OLB and he’ll be looking to inflict some pain on a suddenly tentative and vulnerable Ravens offense. Rivalry game, yes. The Ravens defense will hit hard. The Squeelers will hit harder. Much as I hate to say it, Ravens Nest #1, you’re in for a disappointing afternoon. Men of Squeel in a blowout.
CHICAGO @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
I was definitely wrong about the Iggles last week, and I’m not gonna be wrong again. I continue to beat the “Bears Still Suck” drum until I’m proven right this season. 7’s a lot of points to get at home, but this Bears defense is largely rated on impression only. Peppers won’t catch Vick, and like most of this season, won’t be a factor. I like the Iggles and the -7.
There you go, Fanz. My opportunity to escape the shame of two consecutive weeks of underperformance. May it be for you also. Enjoy the games, and hopefully I get the half-way report posted this evening.
Last week – 5-8
Season – 62-50
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CapntTee@aol.com
Here we go –
ATLANTA @ INDIANAPOLIS
Sad to see, kindof, this once proud franchise playing out the string at 0-8, with NO CHANCE of even a winning season. Another major coaching job awaits both sides, for Mike White, selling his Duckies that this decapitated team can actually beat them, and for Jim Caldwell, the hope that they can actually do the same. Ohhhh, how I’d LOVE to see the Duckies be the first team to lose to the Colts, really I do, but I’m looking at the line, giving a MEAGER -7 points to Atlanta. If they don’t whomp ‘em by more than that, there’s serious trouble in Duckieville.
TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
Now, this game has got me spooked. Which Saints team is showing up on Sunday? The team that blasted the Colts to atoms two weeks ago, or the first team to LOSE to the winless LAMBS last week? The Sucky-neers are rested from their bye, and will likely give their division rivals their best shot. If Freeman can keep from turning the ball over, they’ve got a chance. The Saints are an -8 point favorite at home , but after last week, I’m not touchin’ that. Gimme Tampa and the +8.
CLEVELANDLAND @ HOUSTON
I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Damnit. Texans and -11.
NY JETS @ BUFFALO
All the Bills have to do is run the ball, run the ball, run the ball. Keep the pass plays to a minimum, and they can win a low-scoring game against a team that IS scary on defense, and listless on offense. I like the Bills and the -2 points.
MIAMI @ KANSAS CITY
If you beat the division leaders and move into a tie for first place, you’ve earned the right NOT to be called Kansas Shitty in my weekly blog. Way to go, Chiefs! Now, don’t blow it on a trap game that this could very well be. I haven’t taken the resurgent Chiefs all year. Maybe it’s time I start. Show me sumpfin’, KC – take out the hapless Dullphins on Sunday by the -4 you’re favoured by!
SAN FRANCISCO @ WARSHINGTOON
It gets bad and it gets worse for the Deadskins. Buffalo and Carolina have provided excellent game film on how to overcome this defense. I can see an early exodus from Danny Snyder’s FedEx Field. Take the Niners and the -3 ½ points.
SEATTLE @ DALLAS
The Cowboys are going to have to take their frustrations out on someone – and it sucks for the injury-riddled Seadogs to have to be the one. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game, and they’ve got the personnel to make it happen. By -11 ½ points. At least.
DENVER @ OAKLAND
With two weeks to get into Hue Jackson’s offense, Carson Palmer should be able to manage his new Raiders over the moribund Broncoids, who really, REALLY need to start Brady Quinn – he just CAN’T be any worse that Timmy Terrible – If he has another five turnovers against that rabid Raider defense, how does Foxy not pull the plug on this putrid, failed experiment? And Carson now has his former favorite target to toss touches to, one T.J. Houshmanzada. Take the Raiders and the -8 points.
CINCINNATI @ TENNESSEE
I don’t get this line – a team that can’t run the ball, all of a sudden can’t pass the ball, FAVOURED by 3 over a team that’s among the league leaders in defense? I ain’t buyin’ it, folks. Gimme the BENGALS, yes, the BENGALS and the +3!!!
ST. LOUIS @ ARID-ZONA
Johnny Skelton starts at QB for the Cardy-noles against a previously WINLESS, LIFELESS Rams team that PUNKED the division leading Saints last week. My last memory of Johnny Skelton is the LOSS he suffered to the league WORST Cackalacky Punthers last season to close the book on John Fox’ tenure here in Charlotte. I’m gettin’ a similar vibe here. Wrong team favoured. I like the Lambs to become RAMS, for one week, at least. Steven Jackson leads the ball control small ball offense and gets his team a second consecutive win.
NY GIANTS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND
When Eli Manning tells the press he’s in the same league as Tommy Touchdown, some were irked. I dunno, folks, when you beat a team on the precipice of perfection in the biggest game of the season, I firmly believe you’ve backed yourself up. Take a bow, Eli. There’s no E-L-I-T-E without E-L-I. You and your Giants have fun against that underachieving Pastry-Rot defense. Invent some bulletin board material, Tom, and get fired up about slingin’ bullets against this injury riddled Giants defense! I like the Giants to cover that insane +9 points Vegas has so gifted them, in a terribly exciting, high scoring afternoon game.
GREEN BAY @ SAN DIEGO
Some time, some game, THIS SEASON, someone is going to beat the Packers. Not this team, not this weekend. After last Monday night, the oddsmakers are favouring the CHARGERS???!!! They think they know something. They don’t know what the Cedar Street Seer does. Take the Packers, not only to cover, but to WIN.
BALTY-MOORE @ PISSBURGH
Think the Squeelers don’t remember the seven-turnover debacle of the season opener? Revenge, especially for THIS team, is a strong motivating factor. Jerome Harrison will be back at OLB and he’ll be looking to inflict some pain on a suddenly tentative and vulnerable Ravens offense. Rivalry game, yes. The Ravens defense will hit hard. The Squeelers will hit harder. Much as I hate to say it, Ravens Nest #1, you’re in for a disappointing afternoon. Men of Squeel in a blowout.
CHICAGO @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
I was definitely wrong about the Iggles last week, and I’m not gonna be wrong again. I continue to beat the “Bears Still Suck” drum until I’m proven right this season. 7’s a lot of points to get at home, but this Bears defense is largely rated on impression only. Peppers won’t catch Vick, and like most of this season, won’t be a factor. I like the Iggles and the -7.
There you go, Fanz. My opportunity to escape the shame of two consecutive weeks of underperformance. May it be for you also. Enjoy the games, and hopefully I get the half-way report posted this evening.
Last week – 5-8
Season – 62-50
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CapntTee@aol.com
01 November, 2011
A MUSICAL LAMENT
(to be sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain…)
Ohhh, My Cats would not be beaten,
We’d be undefeated,
The league would praise our name….
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Ohhh, my fists I’d be pumpin,
While the asses we’d be thumpin’-
If we only had the game…
Whether kickin’ or returnin’ –
The yards we’re just not earnin’ –
It fills me full of pain –
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Either Edwards or Pilares,
They are both just like Molasses,
Ohhh, if we only had the game…
Oh, iiiit’s – a major deal –
To start play at midfield,
I could hand ‘em off to De or Stew,
And then I’d throw,
And score some more!
I’m so tired of the losin’
Our pride that’s just a’ brusin’,
And I know just who’s to blame…
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Ohhh, the games we’d be winnin,
And ol’ Coach would just be grinnin’
IFFFFFF----
We only had the game………………
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LANHHHH!
And as our beloved quarterback finishes his number, and finally makes it to see the Wizard, I can see the
Most famous Ozian contemplating Cam’s lament-
“Sooooo, my mega-talented squire from Carolina, I see you want some special teams! Why, you’ve got no less special teams than anyone else! The Packers to the Rams all run the same plays, but they’ve got no more roster than you do, my friend! But they’ve got something you don’t –
TALENT!
And so, by virtue of your heart and your desire, I give you –
The 2012 Draft!
Now, my dear Mr. Newton, just click your cleats together, close your eyes, and say, “To Canton I go, To Canton I go, To Canton I go…””
Like many of you this past Sunday, I was stunned by the end of our contest with the Vikings. It was a game I was sure were destined to win. While the defense could have played better, I didn’t feel they were the main reason we failed. I’m appalled at the ineptitude of our special teams. Now, I realize that many of those guys that would be ordinarily playing those positions are now starting at linebacker or corner by necessity, but DAMMIT!!! Our failure to move the ball any further than ten yards on any given return hamstrings this dynamic but young offense! Our failure to cover returns by our opponent hamstrings an already handicapped defense! It’s time to put an end to the Armanti Edwards as punt returner notion. It’s as effective as getting a sumo wrassler to dance in “Swan Lake”. Pilares at kickoff returner is a band-aid, I know that, he knows that. There’s no better option, and Coach knows that too. And I’m of the thought that there’s little chance of getting that worked out in the bye week ahead.
It’s a sad state of affairs, friends, but that’s reality. And it will be the issue keeping us down for the remainder of the season. And he won’t say it, but I’m sure Cam and Chudz would like to start far more possessions out of the shadow of the goalposts!
I spent the past day or two psyching myself to prepare a suitable rant. I’m in no mood to pound out all of the positives and the rosy outlook, and the moral victory. It’s just not there for me today, and it’s not there for me this week. I want wins. You want wins. The team DEFINITELY wants wins. It’s maddening to be so close, week after week, and to have it whisked away like the lustful are punished in Cervante’s book “THE DIVINE COMEDY”. Perhaps you think I should feel better because the Saints got their a$$ whooped by the winless Lambs. Or that the Cowbabies got pummeled by the dysfunctional Feeguls. Or that the Chargers fumbled away certain victory to a resurgent Kansas Shitty team. We’re not the worst team in the league anymore, and that’s a small comfort.
BUT!
A loss is a loss. In the end, all of the positives don’t wipe it off your record. It sucks to lose. I’ll feel better later, I’m sure. A tough sleepless night makes for a miserable evening, but the sun rises the next day.
I just hate that sunrise, as the Wizard tells Cam, is the 2012 draft. But like Christmas, it always gets here.
The waiting is the hardest part.
And like I wrote in the preseason, Coach Rivera hasn’t gotten to get HIS groceries yet, and is still largely fixin’ dinner with what Foxy left in the pantry. But his trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is coming. And I know there’s gonna be a big sack of special teams in that shopping cart –
And we’re halfway there.
I’m done. Five days til surgery, and IR for me…
I’ll be back before then with the picks and the half-way report.
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Ohhh, My Cats would not be beaten,
We’d be undefeated,
The league would praise our name….
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Ohhh, my fists I’d be pumpin,
While the asses we’d be thumpin’-
If we only had the game…
Whether kickin’ or returnin’ –
The yards we’re just not earnin’ –
It fills me full of pain –
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Either Edwards or Pilares,
They are both just like Molasses,
Ohhh, if we only had the game…
Oh, iiiit’s – a major deal –
To start play at midfield,
I could hand ‘em off to De or Stew,
And then I’d throw,
And score some more!
I’m so tired of the losin’
Our pride that’s just a’ brusin’,
And I know just who’s to blame…
Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…
Ohhh, the games we’d be winnin,
And ol’ Coach would just be grinnin’
IFFFFFF----
We only had the game………………
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LANHHHH!
And as our beloved quarterback finishes his number, and finally makes it to see the Wizard, I can see the
Most famous Ozian contemplating Cam’s lament-
“Sooooo, my mega-talented squire from Carolina, I see you want some special teams! Why, you’ve got no less special teams than anyone else! The Packers to the Rams all run the same plays, but they’ve got no more roster than you do, my friend! But they’ve got something you don’t –
TALENT!
And so, by virtue of your heart and your desire, I give you –
The 2012 Draft!
Now, my dear Mr. Newton, just click your cleats together, close your eyes, and say, “To Canton I go, To Canton I go, To Canton I go…””
Like many of you this past Sunday, I was stunned by the end of our contest with the Vikings. It was a game I was sure were destined to win. While the defense could have played better, I didn’t feel they were the main reason we failed. I’m appalled at the ineptitude of our special teams. Now, I realize that many of those guys that would be ordinarily playing those positions are now starting at linebacker or corner by necessity, but DAMMIT!!! Our failure to move the ball any further than ten yards on any given return hamstrings this dynamic but young offense! Our failure to cover returns by our opponent hamstrings an already handicapped defense! It’s time to put an end to the Armanti Edwards as punt returner notion. It’s as effective as getting a sumo wrassler to dance in “Swan Lake”. Pilares at kickoff returner is a band-aid, I know that, he knows that. There’s no better option, and Coach knows that too. And I’m of the thought that there’s little chance of getting that worked out in the bye week ahead.
It’s a sad state of affairs, friends, but that’s reality. And it will be the issue keeping us down for the remainder of the season. And he won’t say it, but I’m sure Cam and Chudz would like to start far more possessions out of the shadow of the goalposts!
I spent the past day or two psyching myself to prepare a suitable rant. I’m in no mood to pound out all of the positives and the rosy outlook, and the moral victory. It’s just not there for me today, and it’s not there for me this week. I want wins. You want wins. The team DEFINITELY wants wins. It’s maddening to be so close, week after week, and to have it whisked away like the lustful are punished in Cervante’s book “THE DIVINE COMEDY”. Perhaps you think I should feel better because the Saints got their a$$ whooped by the winless Lambs. Or that the Cowbabies got pummeled by the dysfunctional Feeguls. Or that the Chargers fumbled away certain victory to a resurgent Kansas Shitty team. We’re not the worst team in the league anymore, and that’s a small comfort.
BUT!
A loss is a loss. In the end, all of the positives don’t wipe it off your record. It sucks to lose. I’ll feel better later, I’m sure. A tough sleepless night makes for a miserable evening, but the sun rises the next day.
I just hate that sunrise, as the Wizard tells Cam, is the 2012 draft. But like Christmas, it always gets here.
The waiting is the hardest part.
And like I wrote in the preseason, Coach Rivera hasn’t gotten to get HIS groceries yet, and is still largely fixin’ dinner with what Foxy left in the pantry. But his trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is coming. And I know there’s gonna be a big sack of special teams in that shopping cart –
And we’re halfway there.
I’m done. Five days til surgery, and IR for me…
I’ll be back before then with the picks and the half-way report.
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
28 October, 2011
THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 8
Other than the Panther’s victory over the Deadskins, and the two blowouts I accurately predicted, I absolutely stunk up the blog last week. And although I correctly identified the Miami-Broncoid game as the top stinker of the day, I INCORECTLY picked the Dull-phins as the winner.
Ughh.
A dismal 5-8, possibly the worst picking I’ve ever done since I’ve started this blog.
With my fermented pain reliever at the ready, I slap the keyboard, and rev up the clairvoyance gland, and redeem myself. This week, other than a trio of hot conference games, is made up primarily of potential blowouts and stinkers. Welcome to Week 8, the halfway point already for a season that’s seemed to have FLOWN by -
INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
What’s incredible to me is, how quickly the overall fan base has acclimated to the Colts positively sucking as bad as any team sucking in the league this year. What I’m wondering is, how MUCH of a difference would Peyton being back healthy REALLY would have made? Peyton Manning doesn’t play defense, and this Colt defense is getting gashed in ways that would have been inconceivable even last season. The Titans are reverting to the mediocre-to-bad team I’d thought they’d be at the start of the season, but they are clearly better than the Colts. I would think Chris Johnson gets going here. The 8 ½ point line is massive for this game, but after the beatdown Indy got last week, I just can’t imagine them having the stones to cover. Even to a division rival. Reluctantly, I encourage you to go to the Titans and the – 8 ½.
JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON
Another absolutely BAFFLING score to me was the 12-7 score of last Monday night’s regurgitation of a ball game at All-Smell stadium at Jacksonville. How on earth does Maurice Jones-Drew put the ball on the ground 4 TIMES, and the Jaggywhyers STILL beat the RAVENS???!!! THE RAVENS???!!! That had to be a LOOOOOOOONG trip back home for Fired Up, Captain Defense, Poetic Justice and co. I just don’t get it. The one thing that I can fall back on is that MOST NFL teams are a collection of professionals who are proud of their craft, and on any given game day… well, you know the tired old axiom. Houston rode Foster big time last week, and he definitely delivered. They’ll need more than the running game to dent a suddenly confident Jaggy-whyers squad. This is a game that the Texans are going to HAVE to win, but certainly not by that stupefying -9 ½ that they are favoured by. I DEFINITELY encourage you to take the Jags and the points.
MINI-SODA @ CAROLINA
I touched on this briefly in my post-game rant last week. Adrian Peterson is the league’s leading rusher. That’s incredibly BAD news for one of the league’s WORST rushing defenses. Somehow, Rivera and his Cam-a-lots are going to have to scheme strongly to stop this potent rusher, and then – force rookie QB Ponder to beat them. I have faith that this growing football staff will figure this out. Because one of the BETTER pass defenses in the league is believe it or not, this Carolina squad. And one of the WORST pass defenses in the league belongs to these horn-adorned helmet wearers visiting this Sunday. I think Peterson will get his yards, but they won’t be enough to blunt the relentless attack of Chudzinsky’s offensive monster he created. Some lines have gone as high as -4 for the Panthers. Take them with confidence.
NEW ORLEANS @ SAD LOOEY
After last weeks total embarrassment of the Dolts, the hobbled coach Peyton will need to convince his Saints team that the Lambs are good enough to beat them in their home dome. I don’t think that will be a problem. Sad Looey has surprisingly hit the bottom of the league after such an encouraging season last year. I have all the confidence in the world in this New Orleans team to blow them out. Maybe not like last week, but very convincingly, by two touchdowns at least.
ARID-ZONA @ BALTY-MOORE
WHAT THE *^#@! %$* WAS UP WITH THE RAVENS LAST MONDAY NIGHT???!!! The failure of this team to perform to their usual high standard COULD be blamed on the coaching staff taking the Jaggy- Whyers FAR too lightly. This team is simply too talented to allow an inferior team to beat them, on ANY field. I think the Cardy-noles have regressed significantly since the opener, and the Raven’s defense will be playing like someone bitch-slapped their mamma. THEY will be the ones scoring points on Sunday, and the beleaguered Flac-a-lots will chip in a few. Harbaugh and company would do well to learn from their Monday night debacle, and come in focused. Arid-zona NEVER does well against the spread playing an early East Coast game. With a bit of hesitation, I encourage you to take that massive – 13 ½ point line for the Quothers.
MIAMI @ NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
With two weeks rest, and one of the very WORST Dull-phin teams in memory coming to Joisey, I’d expect the GEEEEMen to pad their record with a thorough a$$ whoopin’ over this winless team. Coughlin would certainly have a coronary if HIS G’ints would be the FIRST team to slip on the Phish this season. Don’t count on it. Take the Giants and the -10 ½.
WARSHINGTOON @ BUFFALO @ TOE-RON-TOE, CAM-A-DA
The NFL continues to push its “international appeal” to our brothers to the north. Canada’s adopted NFL team, the Bills, gets to host the plummeting DeadSkins in a CFL stadium. With the loss of their only real rushing and receiving threats in Moss and Hightower, the DeadSkins are in trouble. I’m counting on Buffalo wearing out their defense much like the Panthers did last week, and Fred Jackson will rumble through them, keeping the surprising Bills near the top of the conference standings. The line is -6 for Buffalo, but I see this turning into a blowout.
DETROIT @ DENVER
I think the REAL Timmy Tebow is the one that flopped around Land Shark Stadium like a harpooned mud shark, and not the fighter that rallied for a paltry two minutes against one of the very worst teams in the league last week. It will be borne out this Sunday against a FAR better Lions team that DESPERATELY wants to get back on the winning side. Stafford’s hurting, but he’ll play. The line’s only -3 points for the Leos, but this to me for all the world feels like a blowout, too.
NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ PISSBURGH
This is one of those Hitler vs. Stalin games to me. Despite my intense dislike of Dr. Cheatin’-Chek and his Pastry-Rots, I’m going to have to stitch the swastika on those Squeelers this Sunday. Comrade Bradyski has shown an uncanny mastery over Das Squeelers over the past decade, and I think it will continue. The wild card is the resurgent Squeeler offense, which shouldn’t have a problem scoring on that quite vincible Patrioski defense. This could be the most entertaining game of the afternoon, and probably worth hanging out in the lot WAY past 6.00 PM watching it on Brain’s new satellite tv receiver! The gulag of New Englandglandski is favored by -3 over the Schwarzz und Gelt Nazis of Pissburgh. Take Stalin.
CLEVELANDLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO
If there was ever a trap game for the division leading Niners, it would be this one. For me, the Browns have been quite disappointing this season, and managing a mere 6 points over a vastly inferior team last week in a VICTORY, no less, doesn’t bode well going against a team that’s regained it’s swagger. I have a feeling that these Niners play down to their competition Sunday afternoon, and the Brownies cover. Take Clevelandland and the 8 ½.
CINCINNATI @ SEATTLE
Ugh. Another game that has potential to be a big stinker. The Bungles have a much better defense, and the Giants did them a favor in showing them two weeks ago how to lose to a bad Seahawks team. Bungles by a field goal.
DALLAS @ PHILTYDELPHIA
Ahhhh, at last, a prime time game ACTUALLY WORTH staying up for! It’s no secret that these two teams and fan bases absolutely HATE each other, and I’m sure you’ll see it played out on the field. Philty has yet to play its best football, as do the Cowboys, but both are improving. I’m taking the Feeguls’ distinct dysfunction into play as well as the electric Dallas offense as I lean to Dallas and the +3 ½.
SAN DIEGO @ KANSAS SHITTY
One of the biggest surprises to me last week was the THUMPING the Raiders took AT HOME to this suddenly resurgent Chefs team! The rabid and dedicated fans at Arrowhead will be sure to make a tremendous amount of noise in welcoming the now 3-3 team back home with a CHANCE TO TAKE THE LEAD in the division with a win, unthinkable three weeks ago. The team is doing it with defense, but Rivers and co. will be the toughest of tests for these guys. They’ll make it a contest early, but I see the Boltz pulling away in the second half. Take San Diego and -3 ½.
There you go fanz, your survival guide to one of the slackest weekends of football in recent memory.
When your big payday hits, don’t forget to libate your Cedar Street Seer when you see him
See you in the lot Sunday!
Last week – UGHHH! 5-8
Season – 57-42
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
Ughh.
A dismal 5-8, possibly the worst picking I’ve ever done since I’ve started this blog.
With my fermented pain reliever at the ready, I slap the keyboard, and rev up the clairvoyance gland, and redeem myself. This week, other than a trio of hot conference games, is made up primarily of potential blowouts and stinkers. Welcome to Week 8, the halfway point already for a season that’s seemed to have FLOWN by -
INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
What’s incredible to me is, how quickly the overall fan base has acclimated to the Colts positively sucking as bad as any team sucking in the league this year. What I’m wondering is, how MUCH of a difference would Peyton being back healthy REALLY would have made? Peyton Manning doesn’t play defense, and this Colt defense is getting gashed in ways that would have been inconceivable even last season. The Titans are reverting to the mediocre-to-bad team I’d thought they’d be at the start of the season, but they are clearly better than the Colts. I would think Chris Johnson gets going here. The 8 ½ point line is massive for this game, but after the beatdown Indy got last week, I just can’t imagine them having the stones to cover. Even to a division rival. Reluctantly, I encourage you to go to the Titans and the – 8 ½.
JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON
Another absolutely BAFFLING score to me was the 12-7 score of last Monday night’s regurgitation of a ball game at All-Smell stadium at Jacksonville. How on earth does Maurice Jones-Drew put the ball on the ground 4 TIMES, and the Jaggywhyers STILL beat the RAVENS???!!! THE RAVENS???!!! That had to be a LOOOOOOOONG trip back home for Fired Up, Captain Defense, Poetic Justice and co. I just don’t get it. The one thing that I can fall back on is that MOST NFL teams are a collection of professionals who are proud of their craft, and on any given game day… well, you know the tired old axiom. Houston rode Foster big time last week, and he definitely delivered. They’ll need more than the running game to dent a suddenly confident Jaggy-whyers squad. This is a game that the Texans are going to HAVE to win, but certainly not by that stupefying -9 ½ that they are favoured by. I DEFINITELY encourage you to take the Jags and the points.
MINI-SODA @ CAROLINA
I touched on this briefly in my post-game rant last week. Adrian Peterson is the league’s leading rusher. That’s incredibly BAD news for one of the league’s WORST rushing defenses. Somehow, Rivera and his Cam-a-lots are going to have to scheme strongly to stop this potent rusher, and then – force rookie QB Ponder to beat them. I have faith that this growing football staff will figure this out. Because one of the BETTER pass defenses in the league is believe it or not, this Carolina squad. And one of the WORST pass defenses in the league belongs to these horn-adorned helmet wearers visiting this Sunday. I think Peterson will get his yards, but they won’t be enough to blunt the relentless attack of Chudzinsky’s offensive monster he created. Some lines have gone as high as -4 for the Panthers. Take them with confidence.
NEW ORLEANS @ SAD LOOEY
After last weeks total embarrassment of the Dolts, the hobbled coach Peyton will need to convince his Saints team that the Lambs are good enough to beat them in their home dome. I don’t think that will be a problem. Sad Looey has surprisingly hit the bottom of the league after such an encouraging season last year. I have all the confidence in the world in this New Orleans team to blow them out. Maybe not like last week, but very convincingly, by two touchdowns at least.
ARID-ZONA @ BALTY-MOORE
WHAT THE *^#@! %$* WAS UP WITH THE RAVENS LAST MONDAY NIGHT???!!! The failure of this team to perform to their usual high standard COULD be blamed on the coaching staff taking the Jaggy- Whyers FAR too lightly. This team is simply too talented to allow an inferior team to beat them, on ANY field. I think the Cardy-noles have regressed significantly since the opener, and the Raven’s defense will be playing like someone bitch-slapped their mamma. THEY will be the ones scoring points on Sunday, and the beleaguered Flac-a-lots will chip in a few. Harbaugh and company would do well to learn from their Monday night debacle, and come in focused. Arid-zona NEVER does well against the spread playing an early East Coast game. With a bit of hesitation, I encourage you to take that massive – 13 ½ point line for the Quothers.
MIAMI @ NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS
With two weeks rest, and one of the very WORST Dull-phin teams in memory coming to Joisey, I’d expect the GEEEEMen to pad their record with a thorough a$$ whoopin’ over this winless team. Coughlin would certainly have a coronary if HIS G’ints would be the FIRST team to slip on the Phish this season. Don’t count on it. Take the Giants and the -10 ½.
WARSHINGTOON @ BUFFALO @ TOE-RON-TOE, CAM-A-DA
The NFL continues to push its “international appeal” to our brothers to the north. Canada’s adopted NFL team, the Bills, gets to host the plummeting DeadSkins in a CFL stadium. With the loss of their only real rushing and receiving threats in Moss and Hightower, the DeadSkins are in trouble. I’m counting on Buffalo wearing out their defense much like the Panthers did last week, and Fred Jackson will rumble through them, keeping the surprising Bills near the top of the conference standings. The line is -6 for Buffalo, but I see this turning into a blowout.
DETROIT @ DENVER
I think the REAL Timmy Tebow is the one that flopped around Land Shark Stadium like a harpooned mud shark, and not the fighter that rallied for a paltry two minutes against one of the very worst teams in the league last week. It will be borne out this Sunday against a FAR better Lions team that DESPERATELY wants to get back on the winning side. Stafford’s hurting, but he’ll play. The line’s only -3 points for the Leos, but this to me for all the world feels like a blowout, too.
NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ PISSBURGH
This is one of those Hitler vs. Stalin games to me. Despite my intense dislike of Dr. Cheatin’-Chek and his Pastry-Rots, I’m going to have to stitch the swastika on those Squeelers this Sunday. Comrade Bradyski has shown an uncanny mastery over Das Squeelers over the past decade, and I think it will continue. The wild card is the resurgent Squeeler offense, which shouldn’t have a problem scoring on that quite vincible Patrioski defense. This could be the most entertaining game of the afternoon, and probably worth hanging out in the lot WAY past 6.00 PM watching it on Brain’s new satellite tv receiver! The gulag of New Englandglandski is favored by -3 over the Schwarzz und Gelt Nazis of Pissburgh. Take Stalin.
CLEVELANDLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO
If there was ever a trap game for the division leading Niners, it would be this one. For me, the Browns have been quite disappointing this season, and managing a mere 6 points over a vastly inferior team last week in a VICTORY, no less, doesn’t bode well going against a team that’s regained it’s swagger. I have a feeling that these Niners play down to their competition Sunday afternoon, and the Brownies cover. Take Clevelandland and the 8 ½.
CINCINNATI @ SEATTLE
Ugh. Another game that has potential to be a big stinker. The Bungles have a much better defense, and the Giants did them a favor in showing them two weeks ago how to lose to a bad Seahawks team. Bungles by a field goal.
DALLAS @ PHILTYDELPHIA
Ahhhh, at last, a prime time game ACTUALLY WORTH staying up for! It’s no secret that these two teams and fan bases absolutely HATE each other, and I’m sure you’ll see it played out on the field. Philty has yet to play its best football, as do the Cowboys, but both are improving. I’m taking the Feeguls’ distinct dysfunction into play as well as the electric Dallas offense as I lean to Dallas and the +3 ½.
SAN DIEGO @ KANSAS SHITTY
One of the biggest surprises to me last week was the THUMPING the Raiders took AT HOME to this suddenly resurgent Chefs team! The rabid and dedicated fans at Arrowhead will be sure to make a tremendous amount of noise in welcoming the now 3-3 team back home with a CHANCE TO TAKE THE LEAD in the division with a win, unthinkable three weeks ago. The team is doing it with defense, but Rivers and co. will be the toughest of tests for these guys. They’ll make it a contest early, but I see the Boltz pulling away in the second half. Take San Diego and -3 ½.
There you go fanz, your survival guide to one of the slackest weekends of football in recent memory.
When your big payday hits, don’t forget to libate your Cedar Street Seer when you see him
See you in the lot Sunday!
Last week – UGHHH! 5-8
Season – 57-42
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
27 October, 2011
OCC-CLAW-PATIONAL HAZARD
I met with orthopaedic surgeon John Ternes this morning to tell me what I had already figured out on my own –
I have a completely torn biceps tendon that will require surgery, and quickly.
How I tore it is kind of embarrassing.
In the third quarter of last week’s game, our first touchdown had me sprinting down to the field level for my customary “C*A*T*S” cheer and section “claw” running back to my seats at the lower concourse level. Either someone gave me REALLY heavy claw, or a DEADSkins fan grabbed my hand as I sprinted back to my seat, but I felt a “POP” in my elbow, and a feeling of what I could only describe as a window shade rolling up after a stout tug – and I returned to my seat feeling quite weird. I sat out the next touchdown, but after some vigorous massaging and another beer courtesy of my nayb to the rear, I managed to go down for one more cheer for our game-clinching touchdown. Elevated by our victory, and a regeneration of my buzz, I thought no more of my “injury” until later on in the evening, when I looked in the mirror, and saw that my left biceps muscle had an odd new position, and I knew something was BIG wrong – I was almost relieved when Ron bailed on the Canadian Golf Adventure for the next morning, because I felt pretty sure that a round of golf may have further damaged my arm –
I met with my primary care physician, Eric T. Landis the next day who took one look and said –
“Oh Shit!”
His preliminary diagnosis was severely strained or torn biceps tendon, as I had feared, but referred me to Dr. Ternes just to be sure – He didn’t even want to run an MRI – one examination convinced him Dr. Landis’ diagnosis was indeed correct. He WAS greatly amused at the manner in which I sustained my injury, and proud that I had hurt myself in the same manner as quote – “wideouts and running backs” end quote. Dr Landis thinks the Panthers owe me an injury settlement, but even two seasons after “Cheergate”, I don’t think I’ll be going there.
The surgery is scheduled for Monday, November 7th at 3.00PM, after which your “Claw Man” goes on IR for the season. Oh, I’ll be at the remaining games and show up at home viewing parties, but my role as primary cheer dude in my section are done this year. And I’ll need a volunteer to mix the “Panther Potion” for the Titans, Duckies, and Sucky-neers home games.
In retrospect, even before I go under general anesthesia to repair this arm-whithering setback, there’s not a thing I’d change about the way I cheer – When I’m released from the doctor’s care, I’ll be heading back to the gym and working as hard as ever, and when the 2012 season begins, The CLAW MAN will be once again leading the “C*A*T*S” cheer in section 137 as usual. And I’ll be giving CLAW in the lot, and CLAW at the game –
With my left arm in a sling.
To paraphrase the good doctor Landis –
“Oh Shit!”
I’d do it again, friends.
See you Friday with the picks –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
I have a completely torn biceps tendon that will require surgery, and quickly.
How I tore it is kind of embarrassing.
In the third quarter of last week’s game, our first touchdown had me sprinting down to the field level for my customary “C*A*T*S” cheer and section “claw” running back to my seats at the lower concourse level. Either someone gave me REALLY heavy claw, or a DEADSkins fan grabbed my hand as I sprinted back to my seat, but I felt a “POP” in my elbow, and a feeling of what I could only describe as a window shade rolling up after a stout tug – and I returned to my seat feeling quite weird. I sat out the next touchdown, but after some vigorous massaging and another beer courtesy of my nayb to the rear, I managed to go down for one more cheer for our game-clinching touchdown. Elevated by our victory, and a regeneration of my buzz, I thought no more of my “injury” until later on in the evening, when I looked in the mirror, and saw that my left biceps muscle had an odd new position, and I knew something was BIG wrong – I was almost relieved when Ron bailed on the Canadian Golf Adventure for the next morning, because I felt pretty sure that a round of golf may have further damaged my arm –
I met with my primary care physician, Eric T. Landis the next day who took one look and said –
“Oh Shit!”
His preliminary diagnosis was severely strained or torn biceps tendon, as I had feared, but referred me to Dr. Ternes just to be sure – He didn’t even want to run an MRI – one examination convinced him Dr. Landis’ diagnosis was indeed correct. He WAS greatly amused at the manner in which I sustained my injury, and proud that I had hurt myself in the same manner as quote – “wideouts and running backs” end quote. Dr Landis thinks the Panthers owe me an injury settlement, but even two seasons after “Cheergate”, I don’t think I’ll be going there.
The surgery is scheduled for Monday, November 7th at 3.00PM, after which your “Claw Man” goes on IR for the season. Oh, I’ll be at the remaining games and show up at home viewing parties, but my role as primary cheer dude in my section are done this year. And I’ll need a volunteer to mix the “Panther Potion” for the Titans, Duckies, and Sucky-neers home games.
In retrospect, even before I go under general anesthesia to repair this arm-whithering setback, there’s not a thing I’d change about the way I cheer – When I’m released from the doctor’s care, I’ll be heading back to the gym and working as hard as ever, and when the 2012 season begins, The CLAW MAN will be once again leading the “C*A*T*S” cheer in section 137 as usual. And I’ll be giving CLAW in the lot, and CLAW at the game –
With my left arm in a sling.
To paraphrase the good doctor Landis –
“Oh Shit!”
I’d do it again, friends.
See you Friday with the picks –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
26 October, 2011
AMEN, COACH!!!
As my percolating brain began to assemble it’s fractured pieces Tuesday morning over my first “cuppajoe”, it gleaned passively over the unremarkable headlines on the front page of the Charlotte Disturber, and as those freefloating thought fragments melded together, much as the T1000 liquid metal Terminator did in the second movie of the series, my eyes focused on one of the headlines on the sports section –
“Wanted – More of a home-town feeling”
Or something akin to that. For the first time that I can remember, a Carolina Panthers head coach lamented on the voluminous amount of the opposing teams fans in the stands. Hell, yeah, Coach! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!!! You cannot imagine my righteous heart pounding in approval at Ron Rivera’s statements! I have been bitching about this sad state of affairs in our stadium for YEARS. Now, I know that we’re a relatively young team, and many of the fans who bought the PSL’s were fans of MUCH older, established franchises. And many of those PSL owners are fickle fans of the frontrunners, not die-hards like PantherFanz. So, when we suck, they are bailing, and to be honest, after last years abortion, I don’t blame ‘em. But we are now playing in our SEVENTEENTH SEASON, and with a bright new start! It’s time to get with the home team! Lauren is a good example of the first-generation fan that really didn’t know much of anything else BUT the Panthers. She’s now in her twenties. Many of those young football fans that are her age around here are not likely to be buying tickets. But when Lauren graduates nursing school, and her other professional peers begin their own self-sufficient lives – they are going to be the ones acquiring the seat licenses, either through inheritance, or the good fortune of a high salary. And that notion got me thinking –
For all the talk of football being a team sport, for most fans, it’s a STAR-driven sport. In the past, how many fans allied themselves with a team because of a particular player? Folks in Annapolis may have dedicated themselves to the Cowboys because of the Navy quarterback that won a pair of Super Bowls. Folks in Louisiana may have fallen in love with the Squeelers because of Terry Bradshaw. An Alabama alumni may have tattooed the Raiders emblem on his chest because of Ken Stabler, OR Broadway Joe. And in these cities with the well –established fan following, how much of the fans of the other teams have we seen in the stands in the occasional TV shot? In Pissburgh? Green Bay? Oakland? Dallas? Warshingtoon? New Englandgland? And for that matter, how many people who wouldn't ordinarily be NBA fans watched because of one Michael Jordan? See where I’m going with this?
Folks across the nation may have become fanatics over a team for whatever reason, but for the most part, it’s because of a superstar athlete. For the very first time, The Panthers have such a superstar, with profound respect due to Steve Smith and our other Pro Bowl players. But Cam Newton has that rarefied quality that will sell everything from UnderArmour to ice cream. ESPN and all of the sports networks will now be falling all over themselves to get him on prime time games now. If we’re lucky enough to keep him for ten years or more, here’s what happens-
Those fickle fans who have sold their tickets will be coming back on to the bandwagon like they’d never left. The kids raised on the Panthers, like Lauren, will be the ones with the season tickets. And across the country, kids staying up with Dad and big brother to watch the Panthers for Sunday and Monday night football will become Panther Fans for life, and they will be reading the Cedar Street Seer’s weekly rantz and buying the jerseys, and THEY will be going to their home stadium in Kansas Shitty or even PISSBURGH to see THEIR PANTHERS play! And with their three Lombardi Trophies proudly displayed in the stadium office, The Carolina Panthers supplant the old fan bases that lived and died with the Squeelers, the Packers, the Cowbabies, and ESPECIALLY the DeadSkins. I’m looking at the rest of the schedule – we will see the genesis of this long, but certain process THIS SEASON. Who’s coming to see the 1-6 Vikings this Sunday? The Titans? The Duckies? The Sucky-neers? We need to start filling the stadium – NOW. And prepare for next year.
Because –
Monday Night football will be coming. Twice, I’ll predict. Sunday Night with Al Michaels and that insufferable blowhard Chris Collinsworth will want some Cam too, I’ll guarantee. After the absolute garbage we’ve had to withstand this year with primetime games, it will be refreshing to see a game with an exciting offensive attack led by one of the brightest young stars in the league. Even the arrival of the much hyped Andrew Luck won’t dampen the anticipation of seeing that super sophomore sling the biscuit to Steve Smith or anyone else lucky enough to be wearing a Carolina Panthers uniform. And –
The best part of all will be the gnashing of teeth of those Packer, Squeeler, Cowboy and Deadskins fans DYING to get into the stadium when their team comes to town, and they’ll be nary a ticket to be found.
The only ones holding the tickets will be Panther Fans. And Coach Rivera’s lament will be long forgotten as the cheers in the stadium drown out the roar of the overhead jet flyover when the PA announcer introduces
AT QUARTER BACK –
FROM AUBURN –
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM –
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTON!!!!
I’ve got cold chills thinkin’ about it.
I had to rant on it, Fanz.
I have a quite different rant to rite about tomorrow –
Stay tuned –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
“Wanted – More of a home-town feeling”
Or something akin to that. For the first time that I can remember, a Carolina Panthers head coach lamented on the voluminous amount of the opposing teams fans in the stands. Hell, yeah, Coach! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!!! You cannot imagine my righteous heart pounding in approval at Ron Rivera’s statements! I have been bitching about this sad state of affairs in our stadium for YEARS. Now, I know that we’re a relatively young team, and many of the fans who bought the PSL’s were fans of MUCH older, established franchises. And many of those PSL owners are fickle fans of the frontrunners, not die-hards like PantherFanz. So, when we suck, they are bailing, and to be honest, after last years abortion, I don’t blame ‘em. But we are now playing in our SEVENTEENTH SEASON, and with a bright new start! It’s time to get with the home team! Lauren is a good example of the first-generation fan that really didn’t know much of anything else BUT the Panthers. She’s now in her twenties. Many of those young football fans that are her age around here are not likely to be buying tickets. But when Lauren graduates nursing school, and her other professional peers begin their own self-sufficient lives – they are going to be the ones acquiring the seat licenses, either through inheritance, or the good fortune of a high salary. And that notion got me thinking –
For all the talk of football being a team sport, for most fans, it’s a STAR-driven sport. In the past, how many fans allied themselves with a team because of a particular player? Folks in Annapolis may have dedicated themselves to the Cowboys because of the Navy quarterback that won a pair of Super Bowls. Folks in Louisiana may have fallen in love with the Squeelers because of Terry Bradshaw. An Alabama alumni may have tattooed the Raiders emblem on his chest because of Ken Stabler, OR Broadway Joe. And in these cities with the well –established fan following, how much of the fans of the other teams have we seen in the stands in the occasional TV shot? In Pissburgh? Green Bay? Oakland? Dallas? Warshingtoon? New Englandgland? And for that matter, how many people who wouldn't ordinarily be NBA fans watched because of one Michael Jordan? See where I’m going with this?
Folks across the nation may have become fanatics over a team for whatever reason, but for the most part, it’s because of a superstar athlete. For the very first time, The Panthers have such a superstar, with profound respect due to Steve Smith and our other Pro Bowl players. But Cam Newton has that rarefied quality that will sell everything from UnderArmour to ice cream. ESPN and all of the sports networks will now be falling all over themselves to get him on prime time games now. If we’re lucky enough to keep him for ten years or more, here’s what happens-
Those fickle fans who have sold their tickets will be coming back on to the bandwagon like they’d never left. The kids raised on the Panthers, like Lauren, will be the ones with the season tickets. And across the country, kids staying up with Dad and big brother to watch the Panthers for Sunday and Monday night football will become Panther Fans for life, and they will be reading the Cedar Street Seer’s weekly rantz and buying the jerseys, and THEY will be going to their home stadium in Kansas Shitty or even PISSBURGH to see THEIR PANTHERS play! And with their three Lombardi Trophies proudly displayed in the stadium office, The Carolina Panthers supplant the old fan bases that lived and died with the Squeelers, the Packers, the Cowbabies, and ESPECIALLY the DeadSkins. I’m looking at the rest of the schedule – we will see the genesis of this long, but certain process THIS SEASON. Who’s coming to see the 1-6 Vikings this Sunday? The Titans? The Duckies? The Sucky-neers? We need to start filling the stadium – NOW. And prepare for next year.
Because –
Monday Night football will be coming. Twice, I’ll predict. Sunday Night with Al Michaels and that insufferable blowhard Chris Collinsworth will want some Cam too, I’ll guarantee. After the absolute garbage we’ve had to withstand this year with primetime games, it will be refreshing to see a game with an exciting offensive attack led by one of the brightest young stars in the league. Even the arrival of the much hyped Andrew Luck won’t dampen the anticipation of seeing that super sophomore sling the biscuit to Steve Smith or anyone else lucky enough to be wearing a Carolina Panthers uniform. And –
The best part of all will be the gnashing of teeth of those Packer, Squeeler, Cowboy and Deadskins fans DYING to get into the stadium when their team comes to town, and they’ll be nary a ticket to be found.
The only ones holding the tickets will be Panther Fans. And Coach Rivera’s lament will be long forgotten as the cheers in the stadium drown out the roar of the overhead jet flyover when the PA announcer introduces
AT QUARTER BACK –
FROM AUBURN –
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM –
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTON!!!!
I’ve got cold chills thinkin’ about it.
I had to rant on it, Fanz.
I have a quite different rant to rite about tomorrow –
Stay tuned –
Gotta Comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com
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