THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 13

Good Championship Saturday to you all, Fanz, and I hope you’re as entertained as I am watching the NFL’s farm system perform at it’s best today. ‘Cause you all know it’s Sunday that counts. And at last, here in Week 13, the playoff picture starts to take shape. It’s a certainty that New Orleans and Indianapolis win their divisions, with playoff seeding and staying healthy for the postseason the only factors concerning these clubs. Another certainty? The Panthers won’t be going to the dance, even though the math says there’s still a chance, but let’s get real, folks. At least the Duckies aren’t going, either.

This week, I’ll be offering a truncated list, as I didn’t get to the keyboard in time for the riveting Jets/Bills contest in Toronto. I’ll rip right into this as I want to miss as little as possible the second half of the SEC Championship game.

DENVER @ KANSAS CITY

All of a sudden, the Broncoids have gotten off the mat with an unexpected throttling of the G’ints on Thanksgiving. And the Chefs really disappointed me with their fold in San Diego. But this is at Arrowhead, and I think the Chefs give a little fight for their fans. Gimme the Chefs and the + 4 ½


CrOAKLAND @ PISSBURGH

If this game was being played at the Black Hole, I wouldn’t be so quick to pick the Squeelers, but this is a MAD game for Squeeltown, and Awfulsberger is back. Squeelers by -14 ½.


HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE

Amazingly enough, if the playoffs started today, the Jaggy-whyers would be in. This is going to be a body-bag game, and is a pick’em as of now. Too bad Alltel Stadium’s not sold out for this, cause this will be an exciting Jacksonville win.


TENNESSEE @ INDIANAPOLIS

I don’t know why the sports wags have all of a sudden fallen in love with the Titans. Yes, they have won 5 straight and are playing some good ball right now. But this is Peyton’s Place, and they’ve had enough close calls the past few weeks. Colts, easily, by -6 ½.


PHILTHYDELPHIA @ ATLANTA

A pair of wounded boids clash tomorrow, but the worst injuries are on the Duckie side. No Ryan, no Turner means the offense will struggle against the relentless Philthy blitz. McSnabb will find enough receivers to compensate for the loss of DeShawn Jackson. And expect rookie RB LeSean McCoy to make an impact in this game. Gimme the Iggles and the -5 ½.


DETROIT @ CINCINATTI

This is not a time for division leading Cincy to get complacent. Not with the Squeelers and Quothers still alive and with a chance. But I have a dilemma with this one - I refuse to take the Leos to cover the big spread, but almost every time I’ve taken the Bungles to cover one, they fail. I think the Leos might give them a fight, but I’m not bucking the trend. Hesitantly, I take the Bungles at home, and the -13.


NEW ORLEANS @ WARSHINGTOON

This could have all of the signs of a trap game, as this is almost the same team that beat the Saints at home last year around this time. But not this year. The win over the Pastry-Rots was virtually effortless, and although the DeadSkins are playing decent defense, I seriously doubt it will be enough to blunt the WhoDats. Brees and his offense can score, anywhere at anytime from any point on the field. On anyone. Especially the FredSkins. Saints by double digits.


TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA

PantherNation? You wanted Matt Moore? You got ‘im. But the Suckaneers are actually playing a bit better, and there’s a negative aura around the Panthers these days, and distractions concerning John BEASTon. The defense is crippled in the linebacking corps, and I think the Sucks make a game of it. No DeAngelo means double workload for Jonathan Stewart, who might wear out, forcing Moore to heave the biscuit to a double-covered Steve Smith. I think the Suckaneers cover the +6, and could even win this game against a reeling KittyCat team.

SAD LOUIS @ CHICAGO

Da Bears are another team that went into the season with high hopes, that’s pretty much playing for pride. But Steven Jackson’s having a pretty good year, and I think this is one of those games that will surprise some folks. I gotta hunch. Lambs to cover the +9.

SAN DIEGO @ CLEVELANDLAND

The Bolts are cruising right now, and hitting their stride, at the right time. The Brownies, without a doubt, are the very worst team in the league right now. The results aren’t hard to figger out. San Diego, BIG, covering the -13 ½, easily.


SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE

If Samurai’s boys are gonna challenge for the playoffs, they gotta do it now. And Seattle’s as good a place to start, The bloodletting is beginning for the SeaDogs by cutting loose the GM this week, which indicates further bloodletting to come. It’s a pick-em right now, but I like the Niners to win this one.


MINI-SODA @ ARID-ZONA

I keep sayin’it, one of these weeks, and soon, Brett Favre is going to hit the wall and begin playing like a 40-year old quarterback. This ain’t NASCAR, Brett, where you can be Mark Martin – But you’re safe this week against the Cardy-noles. A very, VERY, bad week for Kurt Warner to come back from a concussion- against that ferocious Favres Defense. The Favres get by this week by -3, but the Bungles await next week…. Stay tuned…


DALLAS @ NY GEEEEEEEMEN

Ok, check calendar – It’s December, so it’s time for the annual Cowbaby swoon. Good place to start against the G’ints – wrong team favoured. Gimme the GEEEEEEEMen and the +2.


NEW ENGLANDLAND @ MIAMI

I thought I’d never see Tommy Terrific get benched by Dr. Evil-Chek. But it happened. A sign of trouble ahead? Against an opportunistic but average defense, the mighty Pastry-Rot juggernaut could only muster 17 points? I think the Dolphins smell blood, and will thump New Englandland. Wrong team favoured –Gimme Miami STRAIGHT UP to win!


BALTY-MOORE @ GREEN BAY

Those ESPN dudes must be thrilled with the third consecutive thrilling contest for Monday night! Here’s a pair of teams still very much alive in the playoff hunt. While there’s no chance the Packers could win the division, a wild card spot is definitely possible for this bunch. The same could be said for the Quothers, who are bringing their punishing defense against one of the most beleaguered offensive lines in the league. The Tundra won’t scare the Ravens. Here’s a name you’ll hear called a few times-

Ed Reed.

Ravens BIG.

That’s the handicap for the week, Fanz. I’m so numb from the holiday and workplace flurry that I’m not even that bothered by the fact I went 6-10 last wek, the same record I’ve predicted for the Panthers back in September –

So, for the season –

86-88

Hooo Boy.

See yers in the lot tomorrow.

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