THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 2

A very happy Friday Week 2 evening to you, Fanz. I break away from the stressful weekday working world and the intoxicating comfort of my workshop to bang away at the key board, further tuning up my clairvoyance gland to bring you the most accurate NFL forecasting that I know of. I did go 9-7 last week, a winning record, yes, but not the flourish I ended last year’s regular season with. But I anticipate solid improvement as the weeks go on, and I’d be more than happy to share in your winnings earned by the benefit of my clear and precise vision. Let’s go to the games,


SHALL WE???

CrOAKLAND @ KANSAS CITY
Both of these teams looked respectable in their season openers, and the good news is, one of these teams will WIN on Sunday! I actually have a soft spot for the Chefs, but I was quite impressed with the Schraider’s running attack against the vaunted Chargers. If The Cable Guy is half way capable of coaching his way out of a paper bag, I’d expect him to exploit that advantage at Arrowhead. Wrong team favoured – take the Schraiders, for this one time, and the + 3.

HOUSTON @ TENNESSEE
There’s no doubt in my mind that the Titans were the better team last week against the Squeelers. And they will prove it this Sunday against a flattened Texans team that went simply limp against a game J*E*T*S squad. Nashville’s a tough place to find your footing after getting blown out at home. Jump all over the Titans and the – 6 ½ points.

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ NY J*E*T*S
Glory is fleeting in the NFL, and sometimes it’s even week-to-week. Mark Sanchez will falter at some point, all rookies do. But if BUFFALO, yes, BUFFALO, looked as good as it did at Foxboro on Monday night, I’d expect the Pastry-Rots to get the Jets’ very best game. Expect Coach Rexy to blitz Pretty Boy on almost every down. They will get to him, I guarantee. Wrong team favoured in this one, too. Take the J*E*T*S straight up to win!

CINCINATTI @ GREEN BAY
Oh, cruel fate, why do you continuously mock the Bungles? Don’t answer that. In a thoroughly unwatchable game last week, a tipped ball snatched defeat from a certain victory for the wretched QC’ers. And Green Bay’s just getting started. This will be one of the day’s big blowouts. Take the Packers, big, and the -9.

MINI-SODA @ DETROIT
Do any of you find it odd that Brett Favre is earning so much more than Adrian Peterson? Do any of you think that if something happened to AP that the ancient Mississippi fossil could lead them to victory? Do any of you think I’m being too harsh on the handsome Wrangler spokesman? I got a feeling about this game. The Saints are SO much better offensively that the Vikings. I’m expecting them to bury MOST of their opponents this year, and they did that last week against this Lions squad. There’s no doubt the Vikings will win this game, but I think 10 points is too much. I again, I gotta feeling. I had the same feeling last year, but this year it’s fo’ real. Gimme the Leos and the + 10.

NEW ORLEANS @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
Ok, admit it. The Panthers giftwrapped last weeks game to the Iggles in turnover – decorated paper. This week, there’s no stopping that Saints offensive juggernaut. Yes, their defense is suspect, still, but who needs defense when Drew Brees can score AT WILL on virtually ANY defense in the league? Kevin Kolb is not Donovan McSnabb, but he won’t need to be. Philty will score enough points, just not enough to overcome the Loozy-ana onslaught. An enjoyable shootout, now a pick ‘em. Pick the Saints.

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA
A great place to get over a WRETCHED home performance that has come close to forcing a divorce between Jake Delhomme and the Panther’s fans is on the road. A bad place to get a much –needed win is the Georgia Dome, where the Puddycats have sucked more than succeeded. I’m not sold on the Duckie’s defense, and I think the game plan will be much focused on the running attack, which was abandoned all too quickly last week. It will be tough stopping the Duckies, though. I don’t believe in the Panther defense, and I don’t believe they’ll win. But I think they keep it close. Take the Panthers and that insulting + 6 1/2 points.

ST LOOEY @ WARSHINGTOON
Last year, an incredibly bad St. Looey team came to DC and vanquished the Fredskins.
Not sure they’ll do it again, but the DeadSkins are even worse than they were last year. The Lambs are about the same. And that point spread is ridiculous. Take the Lambs, YES, the Lambs and the + 10 points.

ARID-ZONA @ JACKSONVILLE
Some things to remember. The Cardy-noles coming East to play early games usually end in defeat for the denizens of the desert. The Jaggy-whyers performed much better against the Colts than most expected. Vegas sees it too. Jag-you-wires ROLL.
They’re favoured by 3, and I’d expect them to beat them worse than that. Take ‘em Jags.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO
This could be a pretty entertaining game for those fans on the Left Coast. Seattle opened up big over a hapless Lambs team, and Samurai’s Niner’s did an awesome job against those one-time NFC chumps. I know, I know, Shaun Hill had no business being on the same field as Kurt Warner, but you know what? They played a terrific team game. I’m quick to favour the better QB in this game as well. Wrong team favoured in this one. Gimme the SeaDogz and the + 1 ½ points. Come back and play next week, Samurai.

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO
The Suckaneers are worse than they were last year. The Bills are better than they were last year. The results will manifest themselves this Sunday, as the Bills need to get over the game they absolutely HANDED to the Pastry-Rots last Monday. Take the Bills, big, over the Suckaneers.

CLEVELANDLAND @ DENVER
Uggh. A game only a Broncoid or Brownie could love. Talk about WORSE than last year! Know what? Gimme Clevelandland. And the + 3 points.

BALTY-MOORE @ SAN DIEGO
The Chargers finally came to life against a game Schraider squad, and the Ravens toyed around with the Chefs. This is a big game for both. I think the Charger’s defense got exposed a little by CrOakland’s rushing attack, and I think the vastly superior Ravens O will take advantage. The overall better defense prevails on this day. Wrong team favoured once again by Vegas – Gimme them Quothers and the +3 points!

PISSBURGH @ CHICAGO
Last week, the Squeeler rushing attack was virtually non-existant. The Bears are not quite the Titans, but they don’t need to be. I think Willie Parker has lost a step or two, and Mendenhall has yet to prove himself. Worse yet for the Squeelers, the very heart of their defense, the luxuriantly maned Polumanu is out for the foreseeable future. That hurts worse than the loss of the aging Urlacher for the Bears. This is going to be another early “body bag” game, which a soiten team from Chicago is gonna win. Daaaa…. BEARS! Gimme DA BEARS straight up!

NY GEEEMEN @ DALLAS
The Cowpuppies, having enjoyed a laugher last week against the Suckaneers, now christen their new BILLION dollar palace with a REAL opponent – The G’ints are still trying to find their passing legs, and having Hakeem Nicks out with a foot injury doesn’t help. Still, that punishing running game should be plenty against a team that continues to struggle against the run. Big coming out party for Jerry’s JonesMahal spoiled by Big Blue. AGAIN – Wrong team favoured. Gimme the GEEEEEEEEEmen and the +3.

INDIANAPOLIS @ MIAMI
A warm Miami evening welcomes the AFC East winning Dullfins back after an embarrassing loss to the Duckies last week. And it just gets harder now. But I still think Miami’s a decent team, and will play the Colts tight, who are down one of Brotha Manning’s favourite weapons in Anthony Gonzales. But he’ll find plenty of other targets to pull this thing out. Visiting Colts and the -3.

There you go, Fanz – take it to the bookie, then the bank, and then bring it to the lot.

Enjoy the games.

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