NEW SEASON, NEW PROGNOSTICATIONS...

Hi there, PantherFanz! A new NFL season is about to begin, and in a time honored tradition since 1986, I’m making my usual bold (and correct) predictions in the league.

I’ll first cast my still-potent clairvoyance gland to the AFC East. I think there are two teams that can challenge for the top spot – I loved seeing the Pastry-Rots and ESPECIALLY Cheatin’Chek twist in the wind somewhat, and I loved seeing Tuna’s Dolphin’s beating the gasping B*R*E*T*S for the division. And this year, I think Cheatn’Chek is mad as hell, and he looks like he’s on a mission. While their defense has undergone some turnover, that offense is still loaded. The Dolphins haven’t changed much, they just got better. I’d expect Pennington to be that much more efficient in offensive mad scientist Henning’s system. The Dolphins will be a tough out, in my opinion. The remade J*E*T*S, liberated from not only Favre, but Man-genius as well, will be really tough to score on, but I think they will be hamstrung offensively. New pretty-boy rookie Sanchez doesn’t have weapons like Michael Turner or Roddy White like the Duckies’ Matty-Ice did. And Buffalo has the TO bomb dropped on it. If the damage was as bad as it was in Philthydelphia, San Francisco and Dallas, can you imagine what it would be like on a SUCKY team??? In this division, I’m thinking the Patsies prevail, but if the Dolphins don’t top ‘em, they could challenge for a wildcard spot.

I think the AFC South could be the most hotly contested division in football this season. You could name a dozen reasons why Indianapolis OR Tennessee would win the division, or why Houston could finally make a claim for the title. Even Jacksonville will have a say in who wins this thing. I don’t think the Jagy-wyers have as much as the Titans and Colts do, and the Texans look bright and shiny like a new Chrysler, but I just don’t think Matt Schaub can stay healthy all year. And I don’t like Wrecks-Gross-Man as their backup. But you can count on Tennessee and Indy returning to the playoffs this year.

Same ‘ol story in the AFC NORRIS division. The Squeelers will again be strong, the Ravens will push them harder than ever, and the Bungles and Brownies will suck. Again. Ownership, Ownership, Ownership. Makes all the difference in the world.

The West will again be Worst this year. San Diego is head and shoulders above everyone else, and believe it or not, Denver will be fighting the Raiders and Chefs for the cellar. I think they’ll hit it, too. Count on this – The Chefs will play hard for new coach Todd Haley, and will be second in the division, and the Broncoids? Will be last. Book it.

In our home conference, it’s my feeling the East is overrated. The pundits bang the drum ever so loudly for the same four teams. Blah, Blah, Blah. The New York Giants have lost a bunch of offensive pieces, and Brotha Manning doesn’t have his go-to-guy yet. But he will. Before the season’s over, Hakeem Nicks, the hometown high school hero, will be a star, if he doesn’t get hurt. The Eagles have a serious hole defensively, and a potential time bomb in the locker room with Michael Vick. But these two will definitely contend. I still think Dallas is a mess, and Roy Williams is NOT the top-flight receiver Romo The Homo needs to have to succeed. If Dallas is a mess, then the DeadSkins are worse yet. Jason Campbell has been mind-screwed by the organization as it tried unsuccessfully to upgrade the QB position, and he knows he’s not their man. I like the GEEEEEEEMEN to win this one once more, and the Eagles to once again snag a wild card.

In the South, the rotation of champions will once again be materialized. The fading Panthers will see not only New Orleans streak by them, but also the damned Duckies as well. And the Bucs, being transitionary, will suck. Worse than the Panthers. But I also think the Duckies get hit by the sophomore slump. They surprised everyone last year, but not this year. They largely have the same schedule the Panthers do, and are probably better by a game or two. But this is the Saints’ season. I think they will field one of the leagues’ most potent offenses this side of New Englandland.

I think the NFC North will wind up being the toughest division in the conference this year. Hey, guess who’s really, REALLY GOOD this year? Without Brett Favre? The VIKINGS, that’s who! Too bad they HAVE Favre as their starting QB this season. Mark it down, he doesn’t make it past Week 8. But they’ve got enough firepower and a truly tough defense to overcome it for a few games, at least. But hey, guess who ELSE is really, REALLY, GOOD, WITHOUT Brett Favre? Favre’s old team, the Packers, that’s who! Aaron Rogers has taken over this team, and they believe in him. The defense is MUCH improved with Dom Capers changing the system. The team is not having any problems adjusting to it. I really believe the Cheeseheads will be experiencing some nice January football in 2010. Another team that’s pretty dang good without Brett Favre is a team Brett Favre used to beat all the time. Da Bears gots a new QB in Jay Cutler, a diva in his own right, but he’s at the peak of his game. When he gets comfortable with his receiving corps, look out. They may not be division winners, but they’ll have a say about who wins it. A wild card spot is their best hope. And the Lions? Will be four times as good as last year. Uh, but zero times anything is ---- Ok, bad math. The Leos will ACTUALLY WIN SOME GAMES THIS YEAR. Just not many. But they’ll be more fun to watch than last years pitiful writhing bunch.

The West will be like their AFC counterpart – WORST. The teams will be better, but not by much. I still like Arizona, but they won’t be sneaking up on anyone this year. But as long as Kurt Warner stays healthy, and continues to hook up with those Frisbee-catchin’ dogs downfield, they’ll be tough for the rest of the division. Coach Samurai will continue to make the Niners better, but he DESPERATELY needs a QB. If Shaun Hill is as good as he’s got, he’d better hope his defense plays particularly well. The Seahawks haven’t impressed me much, and the Lambs are still the Lambs. One playoff team comes from this division, the Cardy-noles.

So what does the postseason look like?

In the AFC, the Titans and Patsies earn the top seeds. San Diego shocks Pissburgh, and the Ravens quothe “Nevermore” to the Colts. The Ravens once again beat the Titans, and San Diego humiliates the Patsies. WITH Darren Sproles taking over for LaDamian Tomlinson. But they don’t overcome the Ravens, who continue to quothe themselves to the Super Bowl.

In the NFC, the Saints and the Packers earn the top seeds, while the Eagles get tough with the Cardy-noles, and Brotha Eli and the GEEEEEMen take care of the Vikings, now quarterbacked by Not Favre. Drew Brees absolutely riddles the Giants, and the Packers pluck the gallant Eagles. Aaron Rogers blasts apart the giant statues of Brett Favre that dominate the landscape at ESPN and Wisconsin by outshooting Brees in an EPIC championship game, and then outlasts the menacing Ravens, who will get quothed themselves. And John Madden returns to the broadcasting booth so that he can be Rogers’ new boy toy.

There you go, Fanz. We can’t have January football every year. I’ve accepted it for now. And this is the year you can let the Puddycats go after Week 13 and start pulling for your fantasy players. And have a great time in the lot, and that’s a guarantee.

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Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com