THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES- WEEK 15

December 11th, 2008

Ok, now I’m gonna act like I’ve been here before. I got positively giddy with my 12-4 performance last week, and now, like canning another nice jump shot like I did in church league, I’ll just shoot down the court and get ready to play defense instead of hi-fiving all of my teammates. But I am pretty pumped to log MY BEST PICKING WEEKEND OF THE SEASON at 13-3! That’s a steamrolling akin to Stewilliams’ mighty three bucks put on the Buckies on Monday. I’m ready to do it again. This week features some HUGE games with both elimination and clinching scenarios, and one of them involves OUR Carolina Panthers. Here’s a quick look at the playoff pixtchure-

AFC DIVISION LEADERS
TENNESSEE- AFC SOUTH CHAMPION 11-2
PISSBURGH 10-3
NY BRETS/MIAMI/NEW ENGLANDLAND 8-5
DENVER 8-5

AFC WILD CARD
INDIANAPOLIS 9-4
BALTY-MOORE 9-4

AFC HANGING ON BARELY
SAD DIEGO 5-8

AFC CLINCHING OPTIONS
TENNESSEE- Can clinch the #1 seed with a win or Pissburgh loss.
PISSBURGH- Can clinch the AFC Norris Division with a win.
BALTY-MOORE- Can clinch a playoff spot with a win, and loss by any NFC East team.
DENVER- Can clinch the AFC Worst division with a win.

NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GEEMEN – NFC EAST CHAMPION 11-2
CAROLINA 10-3
MINI-SODA 8-5
ARID-ZONA- NFC WORST CHAMPION 8-5

NFC WILD CARD
TAMPA BAY 9-4
DALLAS 8-5

NFC STILL ALIVE
ATLANTA 8-5
PHILTHYDELPHIA 7-5-1
CHICAGO 7-6
WARSHINGTOON 7-6
NEW ORLEANS 7-6

NFC ALIVE BUT NOT WORTH MENTIONING
GREEN BAY 5-8

NFC CLINCHING OPTIONS
NY GEEMEN- Can clinch first round bye with a win.
CAROLINA- Can clinch playoff spot with win and Duckie or Dallas loss.
TAMPA BAY- Can clinch playoff spot with win and Dallas loss.
MINI-SODA- Can clinch the NFC Norris division with a win and Chicago loss.


With that, lemme tear into this week’s games like an early Christmas Present!

NEW ORLEANS @ CHICAGO
For those of us fortunate enough to get the NFL Network, those elitist bastards have a playoff-type game tonight. This is pretty much an elimination game for both, but the stakes are so much higher for The Saints. They found their long-lost running game last week with Pierre Thomas, and a healthy Reggie Bush made a great contribution. Meanwhile, Da Bears got a great game out of their back, Mr. Forte, and Orton ‘eard many an ‘oo for good passing yardage. The bad news for the Saints is that this game is at chilly Soldier Field, and they’ve not done well on the road this year. The good news is that Da Bears’ defense is but a shell of it’s former self. I’m thinking this is going to be a shootout, believe it or not. Last one with the ball might be the winner. A loss for Da Bears will leave them hoping the league suspends the Viking’s Willamses. A loss for the Saints will finish them. The line’s at 3, and I lean to Da Bears. Sorry Saints, see ya next year.

GREEN BAY @ JACKSONVILLE
I would expect the Packers to come down to the comfortable confines of AlTel
Stadium as professionals, knowing that their playoff chances rest with the capricious whims of an unfeeling karma. Which, officially, is 98% certain elimination. The play of the defense has pretty much doomed them this season, but Aaron Rogers, in my opinion, has been every bit worthy to succeed Bret Favre. I think his stellar play will continue here. Jacksonville has mailed the season in, and what was one unthinkable has certainly been on the mind of owner Weaver. Jack Del Rio’s job may be in jeopardy. The players won’t care. The Packers are favoured by 2 ½, and I think they wear the Jaggy-whyers out.

DETROIT @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Lions are on the cusp of infamy. And all for the wrong reasons. And Indianapolis has put itself on the cusp of a remarkable comeback. And both are hallmarks reflective of their respective organizations. Just on opposite ends of the spectrum. I could see the motivating factor for both sides, but I just think the notion of going through a 16-game season winless would motivate ME to play my ass off. I’m certain that the Lie-uns won’t roll over and die for the Colts, but they seem overmatched in this game. I really don’t want to touch that –17 point spread for the Colts at home. At SOME point, Detroit HAS to win SOMETIME! The Saints come to Ford Field next week. Possibly without Duante Culpepper, I just don’t see a win this week. And I hate taking that –17 point spread. I don’t see the Colts getting up enough for a winless team this late in the season. I’m sure they’ll all be saying the right things, oh, Detroit’s a dangerous team, a bunch of professionals, blah, blah, blah, the company line, blah, blah, blah, but the facts remain. I might be a fool, but I got a feeling Detroit covers that +17 points. And no doubts about an Indy win.

WARSHINGTOON @ CINCINATTAH
This is a game that could go stinky in a hurry. The DeadSkins have collapsed in the last stretch of the season, and a loss to the dreadful Bungles would finish the season for them. The FredSkins are banged up everywhere, and all of a sudden, Jason Campbell can’t find the wide side of a Burger Barn. This game feels like a 12-3 game to me. Even banged up, I can’t see the Bungles beating Warshingtoon. The line is 6 ½, and I’m leanin’ to the Foreskins, who survive one more week.

TAMPA BAY @ ATLANTA
Ahhhh, here’s a MONSTEROUS TITANIC HUMONGOUS game that Panther Nation needs to pay VERY CLOSE attention to! After the lickin’ the Bucs took against us Monday night, the Duckies have got to be salavatin’ about Mikey Turner and company doing their own road grading against the suddenly susceptible Buckie defense! However, the Saints exposed the Duckie’s own defensive shortcomings last week. Like the N.O/Chicago game, I fully expect this to be a shootout. Tampa’s not as bad as they looked this Monday, and I think they will be ready to rectify their defensive lapses. It will be tough against Atlanta on their home turf. A loss for the Bucs may seal their fate as a wild card team, but a loss for the Duckies makes their playoff chances more remote. There’s SEVEN NFC teams pulling like hell for the Bucs this week, and oddly enough, one of them is US, although I’m not sure I understand why. I just think it would be better for us for both teams to go into Week 16 at 9-5. The line is a meager –3 for the Duckies, but I think they’ll keep their home dominance going. Here’s a serious trend- NFC SOUTH teams are a mind-boggling 24-2 at home. Take the Duckies.

SAN FRANCISCO @ MIAMI
Only the resurrection of the Atlanta franchise could come close to the amazing rebound story of the Miami Dolphins this year. THEY were the laughable Detroit Lie-uns last year, and GM Tuna and coach Sorpano have taken a handful of draft choices, free agents, and the existing team and made them winners. And possibly poised to take the division. Bad news- the Phoney Niners are actually playing good ball now, despite having been eliminated from the playoffs last week with Arid-zona’s win. They are building a foundation for next year, and ‘Frisco ownership would be foolish not to see the response of the players to Samurai’s coaching. They definitely need to retain Singletary. They are going to be a tough out for the Fhish, who have struggled a bit of late, this Sunday. I like the Niners to cover the + 6 ½ points.

SEATTLE @ ST. LOOEY
Ugghh. I’m wondering which broadcast team FOX is sending to this barnburner. I’m not even sure people in Wash State or Missouri are interested in this- wretched offering. There isn’t any matchup of note here, and I’m thinking this is coaching staff and players just riding out the string. Some are playing for jobs, some, like Mike Holmgren, are just waiting for the end of the line. The line is off, and I simply don’t have any feeling for this game whatsoever. This game will not count in my picks this week, cause I’m not taking either team.

BUFFALO @ NY BRETS
The season’s over for the Bills, mercifully. They have looked abysmal in their last two games when the season was on the line, and gettable in their home stadium. The BRETS have the rest of the league scratching their heads as well after their last two clunkers. They come home with a chance to get the season back on track. They have the talent, the motivation, AND, however overrated he is, Brett Favre. I look for them to keep pace with the Fhish and Patsies, and certainly cover the –7 points they’re favoured by.

TENNESSEE @ HOUSTON
A team that’s looked damn good for the past two weeks gets the NFL’s best team in its house this week. What a better way to see where you are as a young developing team, than to play against the best! The Titans have the #1 seed to play for, and with Pissburgh and Indy waiting down the road, this may be their best opportunity to get it. That rushing attack, which is as good as any in the league, will be tough for the Texans to stop. I think the Texans will hang tough in this game, hence the teeny line. I like the visiting Titans and the slender –3 they’re getting, and to eventually wear Houston down. And Texans? Keep up the good work, and we’ll see you in the hunt next year.

PISSBURGH @ BALTY-MOORE
Here’s another HUMONSTOUROUS TITANIC MEGAHUGE game of epic proportions! The leagues top defenses will be hitting as if the future of the planet was at stake! It wouldn’t surprise me to see a cart or two wheeled out in this one, although I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. The last time these two met, it took a miracle for WorthlessBerger to squeeze out a lucky victory over an otherwise dominant Ravens team. This will not be a game for offense. This feels like a nine-sack game for both teams. Field position will be a huge factor, and the team that can run the ball better and NOT turn the ball over will win. The Ravens have more, and healthier backs. Vegas has the Ravens favoured by 1 ½ points and I agree. Take the Quothers, and the AFC Norris division race to get really interesting these last two weeks.

DENVER @ CAROLINA
At first, this game gave me a really weird feeling. At present, the Broncoids have the NFL’s top passing offense. That’s great, we’ve already beaten New Orleans, Arid-zona, Green Bay, and Tampa, teams with outstanding passing games. Denver has one of the leagues’ WORST run defenses. Carolina has one of the BEST run OFFENSES. Hmmm. Shouldn’t be hard to figure out. All Denver has to do is win ONE game in the next three, and their playoff ticket is punched. Carolina is in a far more urgent situation. And they’re at home. And totally healthy. And I guarantee they’ll be focused, and the defense will want to prove themselves against Cutler and Co. The line is Panthers by –7 ½, and there’s no question in my mind that we cover that, short week and all. Say hello to the playoffs, Panthers!

SAD DIEGO @ KANSAS CITY
All of whatever progress the Chargers have made or will make is far too little, and too late to overcome the Broncoids. Kansas City has continued to fight and play hard, and that bodes well for Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards. I think the Chefs desperately want to win one more for the coach that believes in them and the fans that support them. Wouldn’t surprise me to see them win Sunday and put the Bolts out of their misery. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me to see LT to bust loose, either. This games just a little difficult to call. Thinking about the trends of the past few weeks, I like the Chefs to cover the +5 points at home.

MINI-SODA @ ARID-ZONA
The Cardy-Noles already have their ticket punched, and it’s a guaranteed #4 seed. They’ve been pretty stout at home, and the Vikings could possibly be without Augustus in this game. And hanging over the Vikings like an approaching gulley-washer are the potential suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams. Arid-zona’s shown that they are susceptible to a strong rushing attack, and AP and CT will certainly supply that. Vegas is having a tough time with this game, as am I, because as of this morning there is no line on this contest. One could make a strong case for either team to win. The motivation factor to me is stronger on the Viking’s side, and I’m leaning on them to win.

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ CrOAKLAND
For the Pastry-Rots, this Worst Coast trip can’t end soon enough for them. With a return trip to the playoffs hanging in the balance, they found enough to overcome a game SeaDog team and keep pace with the Brets and Fhish. This should in no way be any kind of contest, unless Matt Cassel can’t play because of circumstances surrounding his father’s death. In which case, this would turn out to be a painfully excruciating defensive tussle. I for one, think Cassel would follow the example set by Brett Favre a few years ago, when he decided to play the day of his fathers death against ironically enough, CrOakland! And he torched them for a career high in touchdowns. And I think he does the same here. The line is NewEnglandland by –7, and I like them to win big.

NY GEEEMEN @ DALLAS
Because of the Panther’s sudden luminescence, the G’ints now have to play TWO consecutive prime-time contests before closing out the regular season, and this will be the first. This is a MUCH bigger game for the Cowpuppies than NY. If you remember, they were embarrassed in every way possible in their game in Gotham. Don’t think they’ve forgotten it. They are playing much better right now, and I guarantee they’ll give the suddenly vulnerable GeeeMen a fight. Marion Barber is dinged up for Dallas, and NY is likely to be without workhorse Brandon Jacobs. NY will be anxious to give a better performance than the clunker they had at home to the Fleeguls. I still think that Romo The Homo does something stupid to cost them the game, as he’s always done in big games. Wrong team favoured by 3- I like the GEEEMen to win this game and set up that HUGMONGOID GAME against the Panthers next Sunday Night.

CLEVELANDLAND @ PHILTHYDELPHIA
Week 15 gets a garbage game to end the week on Monday night that will be interesting only for folks in Eastern Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Delaware, which sucks for the rest of the country after the peach we all enjoyed last week. The Brownies are done. DONE. The rejuvenated Iggles can sense a possible playoff push by dispatching the hapless Browns Monday night, and they will do it in every phase of the game. This could be the biggest blowout of the week. Boids, BIG, by possibly MORE than the –14 points.

Two more to go, Fanz- and then,

PLAYOFFS, baby!

Last week- best week so far- 13-3
Season- 94-80

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