THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

December 4th, 2008

12-4.

12-4!!!

NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!!!

That’s the way you want to go into the stretch run of the season! And that, my friends, is the record I predicted for the Panthers in the preseason. Three more to go- and the playoff participants are beginning to come into focus. The seeding has yet to be determined, but barring anything disastrous, you can pretty much count on the Titans, Squeelers, Ravens, Broncoids, GEEEEEMen, Panthers, Buckies, Duckies and Cardy-noles playing a game or two, or JUST MAYBE three in January. And a lucky pair will be playing a game in February.
With that in mind, I begin my drive to get on a two-week winnin’ streak… I’ve already broken down the playoff standings one rant ago, and you can scroll down and see it when you’re finished calling your bookie after reading this-

CrOAKLAND @ SAD DIEGO
Whhhooo Boy, another beauty for the elitist bastard NFL Network. A thoroughly engrossing battle for AFC supremacy…. Ehhhhhhhhccch. This is it for the Chargers. Really. Strange to think, I kinda saw this in the AFC Championship last year when LaDamian Thomlinson was sulking on the sideline when the Bolts still were in the game against the Pastry-Rots. That overall malaise has crept into the rest of the team. The talent level is pretty much the same as it was then; it’s not executing, or responding to Norv Turner. Strangely enough, there’s still a chance, however remote, that EITHER team could make the postseason, dependant on a total collapse by the Broncoids, which actually COULD happen. There’s a lack of inspired play in all phases of all games from both participants in this whining dog of a game, and I am so hesitant to touch this stinker. Ecccchh. I just don’t wanna. Vegas is giving the Schraiders a whopping ten points. Wouldn’t surprise me to see them win. Reluctantly, I lean to the Schraiders to cover, and for Sad Diego to hang on to life for one more week.

CINCINATTAH @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Sunday slate begins with a potential blowout at the LukeDome. The Colts are getting it together at the right time, despite an ugly victory at Clevelandland last week. Even without Bobby Sanders in the defensive backfield, I don’t see any reason why they don’t tattoo the Bungles. The line’s ENOURMOUS at 13 ½, and I’m takin’ it.

JACKSONVILLE @ CHICAGO
If Da Bears are going to go for the division championship, it starts here. Jacksonville is one of the biggest underachievers this year; never mind that the injury bug has hit them particularly hard. You still have to play the game and fight. They’ll be in the frosty December confines of Soldier Field, and Da Bears will be playing for their postseason lives. I have the feeling Del Rio’s lost his Jaggy-Whyers this year, and it will “bear” itself out in this game, and the remainder of the season. Da Bears are favoured by 6 ½ and I’ll take that.

HOUSTON @ GREEN BAY
This is another do-or-die game for The Packers. Their only chance for a shot at the playoffs is to win the division outright, and it starts with this game. Rogers is leading a prolific passing game, and if they can keep the Texans’ resurgent rush at bay, they’ve got a chance to win this one game. Matt Schaub comes back for this game, and he leads an underrated passing attack. This could be a lot like last week’s game against the Panthers. This late in the season, teams like Houston tend to play well. I think they play well here. I think the Packers will win, but it won’t be by the –6 they’re favoured by. Take Houston to cover.

CLEVELANDLAND @ TENNESSEE
The meltdown began in earnest for the Brownies when Quinn broke his finger. And now, eliminated from the playoffs, they go to league-leading Tennessee with Ken Dorsey at quarterback. This for all the world looks like a blowout, and I don’t even see pride as a motivating factor for those brown-and orange-and white unis. Another big line, and I think the Titans toy with these teenies. Take the Titans and the –13 ½.

MINI-SODA @ DETROIT
The suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams really hurt the Vikings. Badly. They were part of a trio of monsters on the defensive line that excelled at stopping the run, and now, only Jared Allen remains to face relentless double-teams for the remainder of the year. Even though they are one game ahead of Da Bears, and two ahead of the Packers, they could collapse in these last four games. Not wanting to finish with the infamy of being the first NFL team to go 0-16 is plenty enough motivation for ANY professional sports franchise. The line is off for this game at this time, and I’m picking the Vikings by the slimmest of margins, much like their last meeting.

WARSHINGTOON @ BALTY-MOORE
This is pretty much the end of the line for the DeadSkins. They are faltering at precisely the wrong time, and coming to play a team that’s now brimming with confidence in the Ravens. They will likely be without MVP Clinton Portis, and that will make scoring on that stout defense even tougher. A win doesn’t guarantee anything for the FredSkins, but it does keep them alive for one more week. A win pushes the Ravens closer to clinching. The line favours Balty-Moore by –5 and I like the Ravens to quouthe muchly.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ NY GEEEEEEEMEN
Pride would be the only motivating factor I could imagine for the Iggles on this day. The G’ints have simply been playing a different kind of football from virtually everyone else in the league save Tennessee and Pissburgh. Donavan McSnabb and co. came back to life in last week’s game against the Cardy-noles, but I don’t think it matters here, nor does Plaxico Burress’ legal troubles. The GeeMen are favoured by a touchdown, and that’s good for me.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS
Now, looky looky, here! Look who’s favoured over those smokin’ hot Duckies! The Saints really do play a different game in the SuperDome, and I wouldn’t expect that to change for this game. The Saints DO have some life, albeit faint, but a win over the team they MUST beat to have a chance gives Drew Brees and those Frisbee-catchin’ dawgs the impetus to launch a vertical attack on these guys. Save for a dumb interception late in last week’s game, we might be talking about the resurgent Saints. I expect a shootout of Big 12 magnitude. Experience to the veteran, and prolific passing scores more points than running. In this game it could help New Orleans. I lean to the Saints and the –3 points, and to survive one more week, while Dallas, Philthydelphia and Warshingtoon breath sighs of relief…

NY BRETS @ SAN FRANSISCO
Here’s a game that could trap, even doom the BRETS this week. Samurai’s boys played heroically at Buffalo, and even hung on in Dallas. I’d expect they’d be up for this game, no matter what happens in Arid-Zona. The Niners AND Singletary are playing for next year, and they won’t disappoint the faithful. There’s a reason NY threw a clunker at home to Denver, at CrOakland, and at Sad Diego. I think Samurai takes advantage of that. Playoff chokers those BRETS are, and this is my upset of the week. Even though the BRETS are favoured by –4 on the road I like the Niners straight up!

MIAMI @ BUFFALO in CANADA
The NorthMen get a rare NFL game played in the Ontario Province this Sunday, and there’s a rumbling that the team could relocate to Toronto. Not that I or anyone that’s not from The Empire State could care. The Bills for all intents and purposes are done. The game they played at home against a team they were supposedly better than, a game they HAD to win, was so poor I give them no chance at finishing the season better than 8-8. And it won’t start here. The game will be played in a dome, and the weather won’t be a factor. Advantage- Dolphins. Trent Edwards will probably not be healthy enough to play. Advantage- Dolphins. Motivation? Advantage- Dolphins. Favorite? Buffalo by a point. Advantage?

Dolphins.

KANSAS CITY @ DENVER
What to make of Denver? Are they the team who LOST to these very same Chefs, AND the SchRaiders? Or are they the juggernauts that slew the mighty Duckies, Buckies and BRETS? I’m actually terrified of picking this game. Other than three games, the Chefs have actually been fighting hard. I don’t expect that to stop, and I think the Broncoids have a tussle on their hands. They’ll likely win this game, but I think the Chefs cover those +9 points as that Broncoid sphincter shrivels up in the Rocky Mountain air…

ST. LOUIS @ ARID-ZONA
This is THE game that the Cardy-Noles simply need to take, and take convincingly. Even with Stephen Jackson returning for the Lambs, who’ve experienced their win total for the season, they are outmatched by Arid-Zona.
I’d expect the Cards to unleash all of the last two weeks frustrations on the hapless Lambs. They’ve been strong at home, and I’m certain that continues here. A win here clinches the playoffs, and they get it. By AT LEAST the –13 ½ points they’re favoured by.

DALLAS @ PISSBURGH
The nation’s afternoon eyes will be focused on this game on Sunday. The Cowbuppy fans will be hoping for a victory, the ignorant ones are expecting it, the rest of them who hate them and the notion that these overpaid, overhyped hand-picked athletes are “America’s Team”, will be pulling for the equally hated Pissburgh Squeelers to knock nine knots in their ass! For me it’s like pulling for Joe Stalin over Hitler. I don’t think Dallas will be able to penetrate that Squeeler D at their house, hell, not anywhere. And seeing that the offense is the strength of the Cowbaby team, I don’t give them much of a chance against a team that LEADS the LEAGUE in demoralizing, demonic, dominating, defining defense that also NEEDS to keep the Ravens at bay. Vegas loves the Cowpuppies too much. Pissburgh favoured by a mere –3 points, and I say they whoop ‘em by many times that number. Hell, that might be what the Cowbabies SCORE…

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ SEATTLE
The Pastry-Rots’ push for the postseason begins with a two–game road trip this Sunday Night to the immensely disappointing SeaDogs. Uncharacteristic turnovers doomed the Patsies last week against a punishing Squeeler team, I’d think a Dr. EvilCheck team doesn’t repeat that mistake two weeks in a row, particularly in the comfortable confines of Qwest Field. I think the team rebounds against a far lesser foe that’s playing out the string, uncertain of the coaching future of the franchise, and New EnglandLand, favoured by –5 points, wins decisively.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA
At last, a Monday night game worthy of hype and hyperbole- Two 9-3 teams at the top of the conference, near the top of the league, with a mere handful of marketable stars, but a lot of heart and team fire. The NFC South has been the crucible of the league this year, especially at home. Don’t think the Panthers don’t remember the ass-kickin’ they got from Tampa in Week 6. That will NOT be repeated here. A warm-weather South Florida team will be facing a frosty night against a team that will be pumped. The division is on the line more so for the Panthers than the Bucs, and it will bear itself out in the way the game will be called by the coaching staff, and the manner in which it will be played. The outcome will not be close. Vegas likes the Panthers by –3, and they will win by far more than that. The division may not be won outright by a Panther win, but it will put them in great shape for it with strange and bumbling Denver coming in the following week.

There you go, Fanz. Get them bets in and enjoy the games-
Trust me, I’m a clairvoyant. Don’t believe me?

Last week- YEAH, BABY!- 12-4
Season on a comeback- 81-77

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