THE QUARTERLY REPORT - 3RD QUARTER

December 3rd, 2008

PantherFanz, it gives me a great deal of pleasure to analyze each NFL team at the final leg of the season’s journey. Pleasurable because the Panthers are relevant, and in position to be a playoff force. Only the Titans and Giants hold better records than we do, and only the Bucs and Squealers have a record equal to us. And we get to take care of the Buccaneers on Monday night! As I always do, I start with the AFC, which for the first time in years, is the weaker conference-

AFC DIVISION LEADERS
TENNESSEE 11-1
PISSBURGH 9-3
NY BRETS 8-4
DENVER 7-5

It was apparent four weeks ago, and it’s still apparent now. The Titans will be the AFC’s top seed, barring an unprecedented collapse in all phases of their game. That WILL NOT happen to a Jeff Fisher coached team with the talent this team possesses. The next two games are Cleveland at home, and @Houston. Those really SHOULD be wins, which would clinch the division. The final two games could be tough, with Pissburgh at home, and @ Indy. The Pissburgh game could wind up being a 12-9 schlobberknocker of epic proportions. The Titans should finish no worse than 13-3, and possibly 14-2.
Pissburgh, on the other hand, gets a minor challenge from Dallas, and a HUGE game at Baltimore before the game at Tennessee. There’s a chance that the Ravens catch the Squealers with that win, making that game at Tennessee a vital, critical, MONSTER contest, before finishing with Clevelandland. They should finish no worse than 11-5, and possibly 12-4, and earning the #2 seed, and considering the absolute beating Rothlisberger has taken this year, is nothing short of a minor miracle. I was certain they were dead, but the stellar defense has more than made up for their offensive shortcomings. The NY BRETS, with their monster win over the Titans two weeks ago, couldn’t live with prosperity and were soundly THUMPED at home to a vastly inferior Denver team. With a slim lead over the Dolphins and Pastry-Rots, they can’t take ANY of their final four opponents lightly- They start with a suddenly competitive San Francisco team on the Left Coast, and then get the plummeting Bills, and then finish with ANOTHER exhaustive west coast trip to the Seadogs. A final contest against the Dolphins at home could be a monster game. On paper, the BRETS ought to finish 12-4, but that Denver game has me doubting the BRETS ability to close out an inferior opponent. I think at least one of those four teams play spoiler, and it’s possible the Dolphins push them to 10-6, eliminating the B*R*E*T*S BRETS BRETS BRETS. I simply can’t figure out Denver. A collapse against a TERRIBLE CrOakland team at home, followed by a TRASHING of the “vaunted” BRETS makes be believe they could lose the remaining four games, or win all of them. There’s no gimme on their schedule, given one of their losses comes against their next opponent at home, the Kansas City Chefs. They follow that with a late game against the Panthers in Charlotte, at home to Buffalo, and then close out with a Charger team in San Diego that may already be eliminated. One more win by the Broncoids clinches the wretched division for them, and I think they finish no better than 9-7, getting the #4 seed, and a matchup at home with a far better wild card team.

AFC WILD CARD BATTLE
1-INDIANAPOLIS 8-4
2-BALTY-MORE 8-4
3-MIAMI 7-5
4-NEWENGLAND 7-5
5-BUFFALO 6-6

I’ve got this feeling that the last two spots in the conference will go to those 8-4 teams. If you look at the schedule for Indy, their next three games come against bottom dwellers Cinncinattah & Detroit at home, and at Jacksonville. That gets them to the finale with the Titans at home, who may already have the #1 seed locked up. A 12-4 finish is not out of the question for the Colts, and interestingly enough, the division OR the #1 seed is not out of the realm of possibility, however unlikely that is. But I feel certain the #5 seed is a given for these resurgent Colts. The Balty-Moore Ravens have a tougher stretch, but the next two games are at home against the collapsing DeadSkins, and the Squealers. Then they go to Dallas, who may have already seen their playoff chances squashed. They then finish at home against the garbage Jack-off-whyers. The Ravens should finish no worse than 10-6, and an 11-5 finish is plausible. Seeds wrapped up. The next three candidates all hail from the highly combative East division. Highest ranked is Miami, who MUST win at Buffalo in the Great White North this weekend. Should they win that game, they finish with San Francisco at home, and get KC and the BRETS on the road. That BRETS game could likely decide the division. A finish of 11-5 is possible, and if THAT happens, the Dolphins would win the #3 seed, and the BRETS just might be beat out of the wild card slot by the Ravens. The Pastry-Rots spend three of their next four games on the road, not an enviable spot. They spend the first two weeks at Seattle, and at CrOakland, then get Arid-Zona at home before a finale with Buffalo. A loss in ONE of those games may doom them. Losses to the BRETS and Dolphins don’t favour the Patsies in tie-breakers, and a finish of anything less than 11-5 sees them missing the playoffs, and another correct pre-season call for the Cedar Street Seer. At 6-6, Buffalo is on the verge of elimination. The game this weekend in Canada against Miami is of the utmost importance. If they lose that game, the next three against a challenging trio of the BRETS, Broncoids, and Pastry-Rots may not matter. That bad loss at home to the Phoney-Niners pretty much convinced me that the Bills play spoiler at best. I haven’t included two teams still mathematically alive, that being Sad Diego and Houston, but at 4-8, and needing intervention by benevolent karma, as well as winning their final four, the postseason isn’t likely. One more loss for either will eliminate them from playoff consideration. A glance at the schedule for both reveals games against contenders that must win, and that’s a tall order.

CURRENT AFC DRAFT ORDER FOR THE TIM TEBOW SWEEPSTAKES

2- CINCINATTAH
4- KANSAS CITY
6- CrOAKLAND
8- CLEVELANDLAND
10- JACKSONVILLE
12- HOUSTON

NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GEE MEN 11-1
CAROLINA/TAMPA TIED @ 9-3
ARID-ZONA 7-5
MINI-SODA 7-5

Just like the Titans in the AFC, it’s a safe bet that the G’ints lock up the #1 seed with their next two wins, which are virtually a certainty, unless the drama surrounding Plaxico and his gun woes wind up hurting the team, again, not very likely. They entertain the Fleeguls, and then go to Dallas, two teams that absolutely could not stop them this season so far. They then get two supposedly tough games with the Panthers at home, and @ the Vikings. I guess they COULD lose ONE of these games, and then again, given the level of play they’ve exhibited, they could win them all. I say they go to 14-2, and the NFC championship runs through that swamp in New Joisey. Carolina gets their next two at home, where they are undefeated, against the Bucs and Broncoids, and then go to the G’ints, and close out on the road against the Saints, who will likely be out of playoff contention. A 12-4 finish and the #2 seed for the ‘Cats is certainly a possibility. The Bucs get their next two on the road, against them Panthers, who owe them something for the butt-kickin’ they got in Week 6, and at the Duckies, who are getting hot at the right time, and will be very, very, hard to beat at home. The good news for Tampa is they finish with the Chargers and CrOakland at their place, and like the Panthers, could finish 12-4, or 11-5. Should they finish tied with the Panthers, THEY will win the division and the #2 seed, and the Panthers go to the #5 seed. The Cardy-noles are in terrific shape as long as they win ONE more game – shouldn’t be a problem with home games against the Lambs and Seadogs. They get the Vikings at home and go east for the Pastry-Rots, and be a surprisingly weak #3 seed at 9-7. I think the Vikings have a really tough stretch of games after this weekend’s tilt at Detroit, and that may not necessarily be a gimme, given the ONE POINT win at the Metrodome earlier this year. After the Leos, they must go to Arid-zona, and then get a dangerous pair of games to finish with the Duckies and the G’ints at home. They will HAVE to win ONE of those two to have any chance at the playoffs, because the wild card for any of the NFC North teams isn’t happening. The good news is they have the tie breakers over DaBears and Packers, and 9-7 does it for them as a #4 seed. The bad news is, they will have to do it without their defensive stalwarts, Kevin and Pat Williams (not related) in the Bumentenide flap. This will be a tough 4 games for the Vikes.

NFC WILD CARD/DIVISIONAL BATTLE
1- ATLANTA 8-4
2- DALLAS 8-4
3- WARSHINGTOON 7-5
4- PHILTHYDELPHIA 6-5-1
5- CHICAGO 6-6
6- NEW ORLEANS 6-6
7- GREEN BAY 5-7

The ridiculously tight NFC North race is keeping this list high, and the Packers in it, especially with the illegal substance suspensions hurting the Vikings. Only Atlanta has a reasonable good chance of making the final #6 slot, with all four of their last games quite winnable. Actually, the toughest game will be at New Orleans, where they have been really good at home. They get the Bucs next at home, and go to Mini-Soda then finish at home against the Lambs, who can’t wait to hit the island resort golf courses. They should finish AT LEAST 10-6, and even possibly 11-5. An outside shot at 12-4 is still possible, with a division win not out of the question, which would propel these overachieving Duckies to the #2 seed, and the Panthers and Bucs to the #5 and #6 seeds. If there’s a benevolence in the karmatic universe, I pray to God that doesn’t happen! Dallas is next in line with a brutal game at Pissburgh, at home to the G’ints and Ravens, and finishing at the uber-hostile confines of Philthydelphia’s Linc. 9-7 at best for the Cowbabies, and even 10-6 won’t do it, as the Duckies have a better conference record. Dallas would HAVE to win their last 4 games to have a shot at the division title, and the Gee-Men to lose all four. That ain’t happenin’, fanz. They will have to hope the Duckies go to 10-6 or worse, which also isn’t likely. Next up in the race rankings are the FredSkins, who are suddenly in dire straits with a jaunt up the BWP to the Ravens this weekend. A loss there may finish any chance for the wild card, and the final three games at Cincy, home to the Iggles, and at Samurai’s boys may not matter. Things are even worse for the Iggles, who aren’t even assured a spot with a sweep of their final four. And the first is a game AT the G’ints. They are realistically playing spoiler for the rest of the season, as well as for jobs in the next. The Bears are in a little better shape. They get the next three games at home, all winnable games against Jacksonville, New Orleans, and the Packers. They finish at Houston, and could possibly get to 10-6, but they will have to play their best football, and their defense is really old and tired. The Saints are in the same near-impossible boat the Iggles are sailing on these turbulent waters. They would have to win the last four, and hope for a myriad of losses on five other teams. Spoiler Saints, at best. And, because of the Viking’s mess, the Packers still actually have a shot at winning the division, IF they finish Houston at home, win at Jacksonville and Chicago, and deal the possible winless Leos at home for the final game, and IF they wind up tied with Da Bears. This scenario is far more likely than the ones for Dallas, Warshingtoon, Philthydelphia, or The Saints. How malevolently karmatic it is that the fate of these three NFC East teams and the Saints are directly tied to the performance of the Duckies. Those #%$(#^@#@!~(%)&* bastards hold their meager playoff chances in their wretched talons, so to speak. I just can't stand it. I wasn’t going to include Green Bay in this list until the news about the Bumentenide stuff came out. I’m not including San Francisco, who is mathematically alive, but let’s get real, one win by the Cardy-noles will knock them out, and that’s a given. Get ‘em next year, Samauri…

CURRENT NFC DRAFT ORDER IN THE TIM TEBOW SWEEPSTAKES-
1-DETROIT
3-SAINT LOUIS
5-SEATTLE
7-SAN FRANCISCO
11-GREEN BAY

Ok, so based on this report, let’s see what my bruised but functioning clairvoyance gland foresees for the postseason-

In the AFC’s first round, Denver gets WHOOPED and BADLY by the Colts. Miami, yes, MIAMI makes it’s first playoff appearance in years and promptly collects a loss to the Ravens. And the Ravens play the Titans tough, but lose. The Colts get beat by the Squealers, and in possibly the lowest scoring championship game ever, the Titans finish the Squealers.

In the NFC, Arid-zona, at home, manages to lick the Bucs. The Duckies upset DaBears, and are subsequently plucked by the GEEEEEMen. The Cardy-noles meet the same fate at the claws of the Panthers, and sorry Fanz….

I’m just not feelin’ a January 18th victory at Giants Stadium. Of course, we have a chance, a puncher’s chance even-

But.

Giants over Titans in the Stupid Bowl.

There you go faithful readers, my first third quarter report EVER as the official PantherFanz ranter.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the handicap for Week 14.

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