OFFSEASON RANT, pt. II

April 17, 2008


Well, by now we’ve all absorbed the schedule, and we’ve all got our dreams of 12-4 dancing in our heads, but if you’re a pessimist like James, you’re facing an 11-5 season. This offseason has got me a little more fired up, because, once again, I’m going to revisit my “Wish List”, just to see how much my wishes came true----

To start, I got a feeling we are going to be seeing FAR more replays on that giant new scoreboard being installed at the Pasture of Disasture. After venting on a LENGHTY online survey offered by the big Cats themselves, I think they finally know what they have to do to make a better gameday experience for us who pay that ridiculous ticket price. Wish granted, maybe. The league is even thinking about getting rid of those nasty dreadlocks and overgrown manes like Polomalo’s - wish granted, maybe.

I really didn’t get any wishes come true in the coaching staff, so let’s REALLY hope the past year has been an aberration. At QB, Jake’s recovery is right on schedule, and he’s even filming a new Bojangles commercial as we speak, so things must be going well. As far as Matt Moore’s concerned, he’s more than earned a chance to compete for a spot here. Remember that Jake Delhomme, Romo the Homo and Tommy Brady were buried in the depth charts at one time, too. And in New York, just imagine if Eli goes down, The Hefty Lefty stinks it up, who do they have? Stinky Dinky, that’s who. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH- I laugh at the NooYawk executive that picked up Dinky Carr. Many of the true fans were also ECSTATIC to see DeFumblo shown the door. Wish, for me, granted. LaBrandon Toefield? Even the name sounds like running back greatness. You never know. A big back we really need to complement DeAngelo. And we get HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOver back, too! Also, I’m ECSTATIC to see Colbert and Carter shown the door. And even MORESO to see MOOSE back! A great blocker and nice possession receiver in our system, especially should Jake make a full recovery. Wish Granted. I like the addition of DJ Hackett- he’ll be a great complement to Smitty, should he stay healthy this year. Double Wish Granted. Some nice additions to the Oline, and Hartwig and Whale shown the door. Keepin’ Gross around, I think we’re gonna be in good shape with the line, especially since there’s such value in the draft at this position. I’m also glad they’ve taken a sledgehammer to the defensive line- Jenk and Ruck- GONE. Pep? Could be trade bait, but they deny it. I’m just glad that position will be redefined for the upcoming season. I’m thrilled to see the staff has finally parted ways with their girlfriend Danielle Morgan. Not sure how much impact Colclough is going to have, but hey, it’s a start. At any rate, the defense belongs to Jon BEASTon, as it should be.

And speaking of the draft, we’re in a good position there, too. Could we be lucky enough to draft Rashard Mendenhall, the Illini bruiser-back we’ve been needing? If not, a franchise lineman is waiting for us at the thirteenth pick. Also, with two early third round picks, and THREE seventh round picks, we could really find some value there, as well. Listen to me, sounding like Mel Kiper. Wish I had the hair. Eight picks, Fanz. Eight chances to really add to the team. To select someone that makes a difference on gameday, and possibly in the community, too. That’s why I just don’t think we look that wretched anymore. We cut the rotting flesh off of our roster, now we’ve begun the renewal operation. And I don’t think we’re done yet-

And speaking of wishes, take another look at our home schedule. Who’s on there, besides the damned Duckies, Bucs and Saints? Any of them fill our stadium with obnoxious fans? Yeah, I see that jersey sales of the Bears, Chiefs, Cardy-noles, Lions and Broncoids top the charts in our area. When’s the last time you wanted to run a Detroit Lions fan out of the stadium? I recall having some nice discourse with Bears Fans over multiple beers. We’re FAR too east of the Missisip’ to be a hotbed of Bronco fans. So, gameday for us finds our seats certain to be filled with PANTHER fans, DAMMIT!!! I cannot begin to tell you how sick I am to see our stadium filled with “bandwagon” fans of flagging dynasties. That ESPECIALLY means Cowboy and Squeeler fans who are not from Texas or West Virginia. I would certainly give Redskins fans a pass on regional loyalty, for NOW. We are now in our THIRTEENTH season. It’s time to choose PANTHERS, Carolina NFL fans! We’ve got HISTORY. LOOK at the history, good AND bad-
Mostly good. A second year team makes it to the conference championships! That, after an amazing 7-9 first season at Klimpson! A thrilling couple of 8-8 seasons with Seifert, Beurlein and the Frisbee- catchin’ dogs of Moose, Jeffers and Walls! A fantastically wretched 1-15 season that landed us the rare athletic specimen that’s Julius Peppers, that had his mind taken over by aliens last year. (Since Jack Bauer was waiting for filming to start again, he got the chance to chase them out of his brain at this writing) A SUPER BOWL appearance! ANOTHER trip to the conference championship game! I have the feeling that as long as Uncle Jerry is in charge, he won’t let us stink that bad, so what’s wrong with throwing your passion at the Panthers? Ok, we hit a stinker like last year. How rare is that, really? I’m gonna go out on a limb here-

Ready?

The Cedar Street Seer is going to speak.

The Carolina Panthers will not suck this year. Not like last year.

I guarantee it. And something else I’m gonna guarantee.

Tailgating will once again be awesome this year. Your core staff of PantherFanz will see to that.

The weeks are ticking away. Fan Day is less than four months away.

Till then, enjoy The Major Leagues, minor leagues, golf, fishin’, whatever brings you joy. But remember-

The National Football league is coming back. We’ve hit the mid-point of the offseason, and the season start is now showing up on the horizon. And we’ll be ready for it.

I’ll rant again after the draft.


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