28 November, 2011


I’m going to admit.

I had two pre-determined actions to the outcome of yesterday’s games.

One, for a loss ---

SHUTDOWN. There is NO WAY a supposedly “up and coming” team can lose to a 0-10 team with nothing to play for except MAYBE pride or a paycheck. It would have been an embarrassment from which this season, what’s left of it, could not have recovered. And I would have locked down the rant for the remainder of the season as well, unless the muse moved me. And the eyes of serious doubt would have been cast upon the Rivera regime from yesterday going forward.

I for one, am mighty glad I didn’t have to do it.

Two, for a victory –

Quiet acknowledgement. This is a team YOU ARE SUPPOSED to beat. The parts that we have expected to work well, did. Great. The parts we have accepted as sucking, did. Only The Carolina Panther defense could have allowed the Mighty Colts to notch one of their most productive offensive outputs of the season. But to Coach Chudz’ credit, he had a sound game plan offensively to absolutely leave no doubt of the outcome –

Pound the rock. When any football team can run the ball for 200 yards or more, you can pretty much expect victory. And against a significantly inferior opponent, you are virtually assured. Done. I’m pretty sure it was Woody Hayes of Suck-eyes fame that said –

“Three things happen when you throw the ball, and two of ‘ems BAD!”

So, an “up and coming” coaching staff did what they had to do to ensure victory, and a better season than last year. Again, great. Everyone’s happy.

We suck less. It’s a somewhat self-derisive chant I’ve taken to make on exiting the Pasture of Disasture in our all-too-frequent offseasons.

Less than….???

Certainly less than the team we just beat -

Definitely less than the Lambs, at 2-9-

Without AP, we suck less than the 2-9 Vikings, although they’ve beaten us this year –
Because of our excitement generating offense, we suck less than the 3-8 Dullfins and Jaggy-whyers –

There are 8 teams with 4-7 records just above us. Can you, with a straight face, tell me that the DeadSkins, Seadogs, Chefs, Chargers, Iggles, Browns, and Cardy-noles are significantly LOWER on the sucky-ness meter than US??? The Mighty Cam-a-lots? Make that argument to me! And this coming Sunday, we have a real opportunity TO PUT A TEAM IN OUR DIVISION IN LAST PLACE! Against a mightily struggling Sucky-neers team in Tampa, not only can we go on an honest-to-goodness winning streak, but we can DOUBLE our victory totals from our history-making monumental season of misery last year!

Our defense, of course, will be our ever-present albatross around our necks in that venture, but if we can keep moving the ball like we have, who knows? Tampa certainly doesn’t have a Calva-tron in that offense, so….

I don’t wanna get too pumped about this – After all, we just knocked around that little snot-nosed kid, and just barely got him on the ground, but we gotta start somewhere. Advancing in power positions is a very positive indicator of the direction of our team. The notion of sucking for a great draft pick is one that has forever been repugnant to me. I, like the professionals I pay dearly in real money to see and support,




Though not likely, an 8-8 finish would validate in the most convincing manner, the sky-high hopes we have for this team going forward into seasons to come. Hell, a 6-10finish would STILL guarantee high drafting position for the 7 rounds of Chef Rivera’s dash into the NFL Mega-Mart!

I end my rant with a heartfelt thanks to James, Tina and family for hosting the away-game watching party this week, and having some exciting NEW BUS CONVERSION planning! Yes, that’s right.

A new party bus for our new team….

That despite everything we seen that sucks this season, I’m still convinced will suck less, and one day,

Will not suck ----


See you Thursday with the picks.

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23 November, 2011


Happy Thanksgiving week, Fanz –

The holiday brings its usual conflagration of families long not seen, mounds of food for those fortunate enough to have it, and the delightful distraction of the games, three of them this year, one courtesy of the NFL Network.

And I’m thankful to have posted a winning slate of picks last week.

My recovering hand is still prohibiting productive striking of the keyboard, so I am keeping my commentary on my picks brief, once again.

Here we go, starting with the Thanksgiving Day Games –


Here’s the game many of us have salivated over since both teams started the season 5-0. The Leos tailed off a bit, but are still very much in the playoff picture. Coming back from 17 points down to the Panthers is no monumental task, but does show how much fight’s in Detroit. And they’re at home. The Packers will have to get a test SOMETIME this season, and tomorrow will be the day. Take the Leos and the +7.


The Cowboys have a chance to take command of the division – and they won’t blow it. I like ‘em big over an overachieving Phish.


For the first time in NFL history, a game featuring BROTHER head coaches takes place, and lucky for us, the teams don’t suck! I think there’s more urgency on the Ravens side of the ball, as the Niners should actually clinch a playoff spot with their next win. Just won’t be this week. Quothers by -3.


Uggh. Someone has to win this game. The line is off, and I’m sensing a Cardy-Nole special teams play (Mr. Patterson?) to win it -


Like I said, I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Bungles big.


No AP? Big problem. Duckies waste the Vikings as they fight for their playoff lives.


Mediocre teams fighting for relevancy. I’m feelin’ the Sucky-neers to cover the +3.


If the Panthers lose this game, whatever’s left of the excitement bubble of Cam-waggoning will disintegrate for the reminder of the season. And it won’t be pretty. And it won’t happen. There’s too much offense on the ‘Cats for that to happen. Panthers by -4.


This is when the Texans have to establish their hold onto the division, and throttle a vastly inferior team. And I think they do it convincingly. By at least the -4.


For these AFC East foes, the season is on the brink. To lose to Denver and Miami respectively is unacceptable for teams fighting for playoff positioning. As has been the case all season, the Jets defense has game-changing capabilities, and will be the difference. The Bills are fading altogether. Take the J*E*T*S and the -8 at home.


Hello, Mr. Haney! The Raiders ain’t a customer in Hooterville to hustle – Welcome to your first NFL start! SOMEONE has to separate themselves from the rest of the morass that is the AFC Worst – I like the Raiders and the -4.


These guys get paid, too. The Deadskins play their best against the Cowboys. I’m sensing a three-pick game outta Gross-Man. Seadogs by -3 ½.


The effort displayed by the Iggles last week was nowhere near enough to save their season, although their beleaguered offense may be able to puncture the Pastry-Rots defense. But then there’s the Brady Bunch. The line is off, but I like New EnglandGland.


I REFUSE to get pulled into Te-blow mania. Its’ the DEFENSE that’s carrying the Broncoids, and Timmy just happens to be along for the ride. The Chargers haven’t dominated anyone all year, and it’s not starting Sunday. Denver hangs with them, but no Te-blow heroics this time. But they cover.


I don’t get how such a crappy team gets TWO consecutive primetime games! Won’t happen again. This is a game the Squeelers usually dominate, and I don’t see anything changing. Men of Squeel by -11.


I remember a Sunday night game in the 90’s at the Superdome that the Saints had in hand, and Lawrence Taylor, separated shoulder non-withstanding, WILLED the Geee-men to victory, never mind that Morten Andersen’s kick was GOOD! ( %&*#^%$#%#refs….) This game doesn’t feature any kind of fearsome Giants linebackers, much less defense. The Saints DO have Bobby Hebert calling the color analysis on the radio, though…. Saints smoke the Giants, who let a vastly inferior Iggles team escape last week…

I'll be more thankful when my arm heals...

Last week - 8-5

Season - 81-74

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20 November, 2011


As in the Panthers cannot.

Cam Newton may have not hit the wall...

But I have, for the day.

End of rant.

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17 November, 2011



5 and freakin’ 11!!!

Add that on top of the fact I had to write the forecast one-handed, and the suckage we endured on Sunday, I’m pretty Cammed out right now. I’m going to sulk until I get this right. I know my Gatorade towel’s around here somewhere…

The throbbing has gone down somewhat, and I’m gonna give this another go. I apologize for the brevity, and I’m going to go for one-liners for every contest to save my arm.


Sanchez more overrated than TeBlow? Uh-unh. Jets over by -6.


Duckies got more than Titans can handle. Duckies by -6.


This is where we find out about the Bengals. They cover the +7.


I cannot take the Browns again this season, and not in a pick-‘em. Take the Jagz.


It’s a point, and I think the Raiders are the better team.


We find out if Newton’s hit the proverbial rookie wall. I say no, but Leos cover the -7.


Feelgood time for the 'Phish ends here. I'm on the Bills.


Not this week. Pack by two touches.


‘Skins done, Cowboys not. AT LEAST a touchdown.


Trap game? Nope. Niners by niner.


Seadogs better.


Thought I’d never say it this season, but Da Bears have gotten on a roll. Chargers fading. Bears by -3 ½.


Iggles are done, GeeeMen not. G’ints by 3 ½.


The Chefs have shot their wad, and return to Blowout Shitty. A two-touch yawner…

Whew! Got through that. Gotta be better than last week.

See you next week with the rant –

Last week - 5-11
Season – 73-69

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Here's the Wikkipaedia definition -

In grammar, the superlative is the form of an adjective (or adverb) that indicates that the person or thing (or action) modified has the quality of the adjective (or adverb) to a degree greater than that of anything it is being compared to in a given context. English superlatives are typically formed with the suffix -est (e.g. healthiest, weakest) or the word most (most recent, most interesting).

I struggled to find the right word to summon my feelings for last week’s abortion of a game.

I didn’t want to use an ordinary malodorous adjective – SUPERLATIVE seemed to fit my sensibilities.

Using the definition above, we can apply this to the Panthers –

The WORST special teams in the league.

The WORST run defense, possibly the WORST overall defense in the league.

The WORST possible result of bye-week production and preparation possible.

Possibly (in my opinion) the hokiest, over-produced pre-game activity I’ve seen to date, and much apologies to our veterans...

The UNFAIREST use of pyrotechnics in player introductions – EVER. Where was the smoke and fire for everyone else (not that they deserved it, after the fact…)???

The WORST game I’ve ever taken my pops to –

The WORST game we’ve had since, uh, LAST YEAR, opening up some serious malicious karma.

The WORST waste of ticket money we’ve had since, uh, LAST YEAR.

And it also applies to PantherFanz –

The BEST tailgate party, bar none.

The COOLEST Tailgate vehicle, bar none.

The BEST guests, (Joe Cahn, CatMan, Danny Morrison, Top Cats, Sir Purr VIP Tour, Canadian PantherFanz, Ravens Nest 1, The Owner, The FANBULANCE, shall I go on?)

The TASTIEST tailgate food –

The MOST scrumptious desserts – Pea Dad…

The MOST wasted I've ever seen BLu...

The MOST POTENT of tailgate elixirs – Panther Potion

The MOST CONVINCING of reasons to renew your tickets, year after year.

And, at this point, my throbbing left forearm will not let me continue. I’ve got a reason to underperform this week.

Carolina Panthers -----

Where’s YOURS!!!???

I’m out.

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10 November, 2011


Welcome to Week 10, Fanz, and Day 3 of my recuperation from biceps surgery. I’m going to attempt the weekly handicap with one hand hovering over the keyboard, which I can tell you, is a major pain in the a$$! Precursory to my surgery, I had yet another miserable week of forecasting. Can it get worse?

Since I have not been implicated in any scandals, I, in the words of the The Head PantherfanzCoach, retain this job of Editor-in-Chief until I pass the earthly bounds. So here is your Paterno-free commentary and prognostication for the weekend ahead. Starting with tonight.

And as I am one-handing this, I will make a SIGNIFIGANT attempt to keep each capsule brief.


This game should have more juice than it does, and I must say that the performance of the top three teams in the division has been disappointing at the least. All the Raiders had to do last week was to beat a MISERABLE Broncoids team! If Rivers doesn’t toss a pair of pick-sixes, the Packers lose their first game of the season! So, as with much of the contests this weekend, I find it hard to handicap this matchup. Both squads are turning the ball over in alarming amounts, and both squads are dealing with injuries and personnel changes. And, BOTH teams have FAILED to cover the spread for the past few weeks. Time for a team to make a stand, but it won’t be this week. In a game filled with mistakes and error-prone play, I, with much hesitation, predict the Raiders cover the +7 on the road.


This weekend also features many intriguing divisional showdowns. This is the first. The Bengals are a different team this year, and so are the Squeelers. Embarrassed at home last Sunday night, The Men of Squeel have shown their vulnerability to the league on the national stage. If the Ravens’ sputtering offense could get well against THIS defense, I’m thinking the efficient Bungles could do the same. That porous o-line of Pissburgh had best keep Worthlessberger’s jersey clean or it‘s TWO “L’s” for the SqueelBoys. Wrong team favored- Take the Bungles and the +3.


When you lose to the previously winless Phish AT HOME when you’ve got the division lead IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, you once again become Kansas Shitty. I refuse to succumb to Te-BLOW mania, and I refuse to acknowledge him as an NFL QB. If the Chefs can respond the way they did against the Chargers two weeks ago, they’ll win handily. Reluctantly, I lean to the Chefs and the -3.



You know, at some point, Dolts GM Bill Polian has GOT to take some heat for UTTERLY FAILING to prepare his putrid team, or having a legitimate contingency in place, for the absence of Peyton Manning. They have been terrible in ALL phases of the game. This is their ONE CHANCE at salving the home fans pride just the tiniest bit with a “W” over the miserable Jagy-Whyers. I’m callin’ it. Dolts not just to cover, but to WIN! Hell, Miami and Sad Looey got off the shnide the past couple of weeks, it’s time for the Dolts.


For both teams, a critical crossroads game. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game just to stay relevant in the conference, the Bills need to keep pace with not just the Pastry-Rots, but now, the Jets, by virtue of their convincing win last week at RW. The Cowboys' offense STILL hasn’t found its gear, and last week was a great opportunity for it to do so against a struggling Seadogs team. The Bills self-destructed against a determined Jets defense, and Dallas’ is just about as good. I think this will be a low scoring, hard hitting game, one which I think the Bills will cover. Bills and the +5 ½.


The Texans have a chance to separate themselves with a win this Sunday over the reeling Sucky-neers. If they can continue their potent rushing attack against a punchless defense, they’ll get it. Newly acquired blob of humanity Albert Hanesworth will NOT make a difference for Tampa. Texans by -3.


It’s hard to gauge how a Ron Rivera coached team performs after a bye- we’ve never seen one! Reports are the team practiced well, and they’ll need to be laser-focused on Chris Johnson. It seems that every elite RB gets well on one of the league’s worst run defenses, but conversely, every team in the league has been getting gashed by the Cam-a-lots! Just like every game we’ve played this year, our opponents will get their yards, but so will we. We will just get more. Panthers by -3.


I’m not fooled by that 3-5 record. The DeadSkins are a team that are plummeting, and void of talent, and may actually begin to morph into a “Suck for Luck” team. Incredible as it seems, this stinking Phish actually has a chance to put a bad team away at home. No team has made more personnel moves this week than the DeadSkins, and it won’t help. It won’t be on the Broncoids bad level, but it will be bad enough, this time, with a different result. Phish by -3 ½.


I’ve been paying close attention to this rivalry for close to 25 years, and my white-hot hatred for the Duckies hasn’t changed, although the cast of characters has. The Saints have had recent successes over Atlanta, and I don’t see that changing now. The Duckies have gotten fat on bad teams, let’s see how they do against a GOOD one! I think Brees & co. will carve up that porous Duckie D, and win convincingly. Games’ a pick ‘em, and you already know what I think.


I’m not ready to say the Bears don’t suck. But this game will go far in either extending my derisive view, or shutting my mouth. The Jekyll-Hyde Iggles aren’t a good gauge, this Leos team is. I expect that nasty Suh-led defense to rankle Cutler all afternoon. Like I have been all year, folks, I’m on the Lions.


Double uggh.

A game only a Dawg-pounder could love. ‘Cause I sure can’t. The Lambs are far more banged-up, and most reluctantly, I lean to the Browns, who’ve done a piss-poor job of covering all year.


Can the maelstrom of negative karma swirling around the state Billy Penn founded continue to swirl around the Iggles this week? If Vick continues to turn the ball over, it just may. On paper, the Boids, should tear the Cardy-noles eleven new buttholes, but I’ve said this Philthy team is one of the NFL’s biggest paper tigers this year. But Arid-zona is BAD. Dull-Phins bad. Line is off, but if Philthy doesn’t win this one, Andy Reid will be finding a spot on the NFL Network sooner than he thinks. I’m takin’ the Iggles.


Remember what happened last time Seattle came east to play a highly regarded team? Fans of the Ravens had better hope Johnny Harbaugh does! They need to bring the same intensity they brought to the Squeelers game last week, and not the lackadaisical effort we saw against Jacksonville and Arid-Zona. I’m of the belief that those games were mirages, and the Quothers will get the job done. And Ed Reed needs to get him a pick-six. Quothers and 6 ½.


It’s been DECADES since the Niners have been relevant, but they are a game away from clinching their first playoff spot since early in the LAST decade. They will, but not in this game. You have to walk before you can run, and the GEEEEE Men are the highest caliber team the Niners will have faced this season. I like the Giants to cover in an exciting, hard fought game. If taking down the Pastry-Rots at Foxboro was possible, puncturing the Niners at The Stick is certainly doable.


And speaking of those Pastry-Rots, a HUGE prime-time matchup awaits them against arch nemesis Sexy Rexy and his J*E*T*S. This is the kind of game Cheat-a-chek usually wins, although the once formidable New Englandgland Machine has been clanking a bit. I’m not convinced of the Jets’ return to power yet. Wrong team favoured in this one. I’m on the Pastry-Rots.


The Packers are going to lose at least ONCE this season. Just not this Monday night. No matter how well the improving Ponder plays, and how many yards Peterson piles up, Rodgers & co. will pile up more. MUCH more. Pack by 13 ½.

I want to tell you, this particular rodeo for this keyboard cowboy was particularly rough. What usually takes 45 minutes tops has taken over 3 hours. Gee, I love my job…

Last week – 6-8
Season – 68-58

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05 November, 2011


I cannot believe that this 2011 NFL season is halfway over! The games sure fly by when they are as fiercely contested as our Panthers have made them, which is a sea change over what we endured last year, and that feeling is MOST welcome, and while the losing sucks, knowing better days are ahead make swallerin’ the losses just a bit better. One thing I’ll note in this midseason report is the fact that there had been NO OTA’s due to the lockout, and as I had thought, teams that were not expected to win have made hay while the “contenders” had to struggle to return to a competitive level. These teams have given themselves a great advantage in playoff qualification and seeding as we go into the stretch run in a very entertaining season of football.

Here’s how the league stands this Saturday morning.


Two divisions are tied, the West has a THREE way logjam thanks to the inspired play of the suddenly relevant Chiefs! The schedule should be kind to the Bills AND the Pastry-Rots. I expect them to be in the mix for the rest of the year. Houston SHOULDN’T take their foot off of the petal – If they go 5-3 in the second half, that should be good enough to secure their very first division title and a home playoff game! The North should be a MOST exciting race! The Squeelers have a somewhat soft schedule with the NFC Worst games yet to play, but the surprising Bengals are a fangs-width behind. Although Kansas City finds itself in a statistical lead in the West, their remaining eight games are going to be brutal. Oakland has the best chance to pull ahead, and Chargers better get THEIR offense figured out, or they will be looking at another season that comes up just short.


Of these four, I’d expect the Bengals, by virtue of their softer schedule, to have the chance to qualify for at least a wild card spot. If the Ravens don’t figure out their offensive inconsistencies, they’re going to be in trouble. Defense will be the only thing keeping Sexy Rexy’s mouth a’ flappin’ for the Jets, and I expect the Titans to put on a full fade. The rest of their schedule is a killer.



Uh, no.


I don’t see how either franchise avoids a total rehaul after the debris of this utter failure of a season is swept away, starting with the head coaches, and I’d suspect even Billy Polian should be held to some scrutiny after failing to come up with some kind of satisfactory contingency after losing Manning for the year. I don’t see a “sure win” on any game on these schedules, but the Colts DO play the Jaggy-whyers twice, while the Phish play the Deadskins in a couple of weeks. I hope Mr. Luck likes South Beach…


You could make a strong case for three of these teams continuing their hold on their respective divisions. For the Packers, it’s a foregone conclusion, their MAIN goal should be staying healthy for the post season and avoid taking all future opponents for granted. The Giants and Saints have to begin running the gauntlets of their division foes, but the Niners, thanks to the spectacular coaching job by the Stanford Miracle Man, are in cruise control, and are just about as much a lock to win their division as the Packers are.


I’m expecting to see the NFC South teams continue to fight, I fully expect the Bears to fade.



I think both Philthy and Dallas, if they manage to split the gauntlet of their division, can be a factor. The Deadskins have shot their wad and will not. The Panthers and Vikings have enough offensive firepower to make their remaining games interesting, but woeful defensive shortcomings, and in particular for the Panthers, awful special teams, will make their role more of dangerous spoiler. Both Carolina and Mini-Soda are experiencing franchise salvation with the play of Cam Newton and Christian Ponder, respectively. Anything’s possible in this league, but we’ll see these two become far more relevant next year. With each successive game, Pete Carroll shows himself less and less an NFL coach. The Seahawsks are done.

ST LOUIS (1-6) ARID-ZONA (1-6)

There isn’t a chance in hell either of these will be more than contestants in the “Suck for Luck” campaign, and they’ll even suck at doing that!

As far as the postseason forecast goes, I see New EnglandGland winning the East, Pissburgh seizing the North, Houston EASILY gaining the South, and The RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAHS winning the division for the first time since early in the new century. The Bengals and Bills take the wild card spots.

When the conference championship game is finally over, the team with the best defense SHOULD be the one on top, but I just can’t, can’t CAN’T give that to the Bengals! Could I?


In the NFC, The Packers survive a late season surge by the Leos in the North, The Giants hold off Philthydelphia in the East, the Saints repel the Duckies and Sucky-neers in the South, and the Niners cruise to an improbable 12-4 finish. The Leos and Bucs secure the wild cards, and let’s get real, folks.
The Frozen Tundra in January? Who’s gonna survive that? The Cheese, that’s who.
And they’ll forever banish the imbecilic and overdone hero worship of that guy that wore #4 when Rogers and company overcome the WhoDeys in Indianapolis for Super Bowl XLVI !

And our attention will turn once again to college basketball…

And I shall rant on…

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Well, Fanz, the negative karma continues to fall upon me. A second consecutive week of 5-8 has got me bumfuzzled. Come on, did you think the Chefs would beat the Bolts? Did you think the Iggles would totally emasculate the Cowboys? Did you think that Arid-Zona would push the Ravens to the brink? I think I need some prolonged Yoda time to get my whole yin and yang and feung chi thing figgered out. But even with the Panthers on a bye this week, I still love this game, love this league, and I’m ready to pontificate on my prognostication like the dedicated dude that I am.

Here we go –


Sad to see, kindof, this once proud franchise playing out the string at 0-8, with NO CHANCE of even a winning season. Another major coaching job awaits both sides, for Mike White, selling his Duckies that this decapitated team can actually beat them, and for Jim Caldwell, the hope that they can actually do the same. Ohhhh, how I’d LOVE to see the Duckies be the first team to lose to the Colts, really I do, but I’m looking at the line, giving a MEAGER -7 points to Atlanta. If they don’t whomp ‘em by more than that, there’s serious trouble in Duckieville.


Now, this game has got me spooked. Which Saints team is showing up on Sunday? The team that blasted the Colts to atoms two weeks ago, or the first team to LOSE to the winless LAMBS last week? The Sucky-neers are rested from their bye, and will likely give their division rivals their best shot. If Freeman can keep from turning the ball over, they’ve got a chance. The Saints are an -8 point favorite at home , but after last week, I’m not touchin’ that. Gimme Tampa and the +8.


I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Damnit. Texans and -11.


All the Bills have to do is run the ball, run the ball, run the ball. Keep the pass plays to a minimum, and they can win a low-scoring game against a team that IS scary on defense, and listless on offense. I like the Bills and the -2 points.


If you beat the division leaders and move into a tie for first place, you’ve earned the right NOT to be called Kansas Shitty in my weekly blog. Way to go, Chiefs! Now, don’t blow it on a trap game that this could very well be. I haven’t taken the resurgent Chiefs all year. Maybe it’s time I start. Show me sumpfin’, KC – take out the hapless Dullphins on Sunday by the -4 you’re favoured by!


It gets bad and it gets worse for the Deadskins. Buffalo and Carolina have provided excellent game film on how to overcome this defense. I can see an early exodus from Danny Snyder’s FedEx Field. Take the Niners and the -3 ½ points.


The Cowboys are going to have to take their frustrations out on someone – and it sucks for the injury-riddled Seadogs to have to be the one. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game, and they’ve got the personnel to make it happen. By -11 ½ points. At least.


With two weeks to get into Hue Jackson’s offense, Carson Palmer should be able to manage his new Raiders over the moribund Broncoids, who really, REALLY need to start Brady Quinn – he just CAN’T be any worse that Timmy Terrible – If he has another five turnovers against that rabid Raider defense, how does Foxy not pull the plug on this putrid, failed experiment? And Carson now has his former favorite target to toss touches to, one T.J. Houshmanzada. Take the Raiders and the -8 points.


I don’t get this line – a team that can’t run the ball, all of a sudden can’t pass the ball, FAVOURED by 3 over a team that’s among the league leaders in defense? I ain’t buyin’ it, folks. Gimme the BENGALS, yes, the BENGALS and the +3!!!


Johnny Skelton starts at QB for the Cardy-noles against a previously WINLESS, LIFELESS Rams team that PUNKED the division leading Saints last week. My last memory of Johnny Skelton is the LOSS he suffered to the league WORST Cackalacky Punthers last season to close the book on John Fox’ tenure here in Charlotte. I’m gettin’ a similar vibe here. Wrong team favoured. I like the Lambs to become RAMS, for one week, at least. Steven Jackson leads the ball control small ball offense and gets his team a second consecutive win.


When Eli Manning tells the press he’s in the same league as Tommy Touchdown, some were irked. I dunno, folks, when you beat a team on the precipice of perfection in the biggest game of the season, I firmly believe you’ve backed yourself up. Take a bow, Eli. There’s no E-L-I-T-E without E-L-I. You and your Giants have fun against that underachieving Pastry-Rot defense. Invent some bulletin board material, Tom, and get fired up about slingin’ bullets against this injury riddled Giants defense! I like the Giants to cover that insane +9 points Vegas has so gifted them, in a terribly exciting, high scoring afternoon game.


Some time, some game, THIS SEASON, someone is going to beat the Packers. Not this team, not this weekend. After last Monday night, the oddsmakers are favouring the CHARGERS???!!! They think they know something. They don’t know what the Cedar Street Seer does. Take the Packers, not only to cover, but to WIN.


Think the Squeelers don’t remember the seven-turnover debacle of the season opener? Revenge, especially for THIS team, is a strong motivating factor. Jerome Harrison will be back at OLB and he’ll be looking to inflict some pain on a suddenly tentative and vulnerable Ravens offense. Rivalry game, yes. The Ravens defense will hit hard. The Squeelers will hit harder. Much as I hate to say it, Ravens Nest #1, you’re in for a disappointing afternoon. Men of Squeel in a blowout.


I was definitely wrong about the Iggles last week, and I’m not gonna be wrong again. I continue to beat the “Bears Still Suck” drum until I’m proven right this season. 7’s a lot of points to get at home, but this Bears defense is largely rated on impression only. Peppers won’t catch Vick, and like most of this season, won’t be a factor. I like the Iggles and the -7.

There you go, Fanz. My opportunity to escape the shame of two consecutive weeks of underperformance. May it be for you also. Enjoy the games, and hopefully I get the half-way report posted this evening.

Last week – 5-8
Season – 62-50

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01 November, 2011


(to be sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain…)

Ohhh, My Cats would not be beaten,
We’d be undefeated,
The league would praise our name….

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, my fists I’d be pumpin,
While the asses we’d be thumpin’-
If we only had the game…

Whether kickin’ or returnin’ –
The yards we’re just not earnin’ –
It fills me full of pain –

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Either Edwards or Pilares,
They are both just like Molasses,
Ohhh, if we only had the game…

Oh, iiiit’s – a major deal –
To start play at midfield,
I could hand ‘em off to De or Stew,
And then I’d throw,
And score some more!

I’m so tired of the losin’
Our pride that’s just a’ brusin’,
And I know just who’s to blame…

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, the games we’d be winnin,
And ol’ Coach would just be grinnin’


We only had the game………………


And as our beloved quarterback finishes his number, and finally makes it to see the Wizard, I can see the
Most famous Ozian contemplating Cam’s lament-

“Sooooo, my mega-talented squire from Carolina, I see you want some special teams! Why, you’ve got no less special teams than anyone else! The Packers to the Rams all run the same plays, but they’ve got no more roster than you do, my friend! But they’ve got something you don’t –
And so, by virtue of your heart and your desire, I give you –
The 2012 Draft!

Now, my dear Mr. Newton, just click your cleats together, close your eyes, and say, “To Canton I go, To Canton I go, To Canton I go…””

Like many of you this past Sunday, I was stunned by the end of our contest with the Vikings. It was a game I was sure were destined to win. While the defense could have played better, I didn’t feel they were the main reason we failed. I’m appalled at the ineptitude of our special teams. Now, I realize that many of those guys that would be ordinarily playing those positions are now starting at linebacker or corner by necessity, but DAMMIT!!! Our failure to move the ball any further than ten yards on any given return hamstrings this dynamic but young offense! Our failure to cover returns by our opponent hamstrings an already handicapped defense! It’s time to put an end to the Armanti Edwards as punt returner notion. It’s as effective as getting a sumo wrassler to dance in “Swan Lake”. Pilares at kickoff returner is a band-aid, I know that, he knows that. There’s no better option, and Coach knows that too. And I’m of the thought that there’s little chance of getting that worked out in the bye week ahead.

It’s a sad state of affairs, friends, but that’s reality. And it will be the issue keeping us down for the remainder of the season. And he won’t say it, but I’m sure Cam and Chudz would like to start far more possessions out of the shadow of the goalposts!

I spent the past day or two psyching myself to prepare a suitable rant. I’m in no mood to pound out all of the positives and the rosy outlook, and the moral victory. It’s just not there for me today, and it’s not there for me this week. I want wins. You want wins. The team DEFINITELY wants wins. It’s maddening to be so close, week after week, and to have it whisked away like the lustful are punished in Cervante’s book “THE DIVINE COMEDY”. Perhaps you think I should feel better because the Saints got their a$$ whooped by the winless Lambs. Or that the Cowbabies got pummeled by the dysfunctional Feeguls. Or that the Chargers fumbled away certain victory to a resurgent Kansas Shitty team. We’re not the worst team in the league anymore, and that’s a small comfort.


A loss is a loss. In the end, all of the positives don’t wipe it off your record. It sucks to lose. I’ll feel better later, I’m sure. A tough sleepless night makes for a miserable evening, but the sun rises the next day.

I just hate that sunrise, as the Wizard tells Cam, is the 2012 draft. But like Christmas, it always gets here.

The waiting is the hardest part.

And like I wrote in the preseason, Coach Rivera hasn’t gotten to get HIS groceries yet, and is still largely fixin’ dinner with what Foxy left in the pantry. But his trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is coming. And I know there’s gonna be a big sack of special teams in that shopping cart –

And we’re halfway there.

I’m done. Five days til surgery, and IR for me…

I’ll be back before then with the picks and the half-way report.

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