THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 1

Welcome back, Fanz, to the weekly forecast into your NFL football future. Not including postseason, where I went a horrid 3-5, I do hold a nice winning record for the regular season. I know I will pick up right where I left off, so read on, call your bookie, and don’t forget to buy the Cedar Street Seer a beer (or a few) with your winnings! Let’s dig into it, SHALL WE!!??

TENNESSEE @ PISSBURGH

The season kicks off with the Super Bowl champs facing down the team that stomped on their precious widdle Tewibble Towels in last season’s late tilt. Petty, huh? The Squeelers don’t think so. This game, so early in the season, could be a genuine body bag game. Most of the starters for both teams have returned, and both are reasonably healthy, but there’s that disrespect angle. Is it worth 6 points? I think so. Take the home favorite Squeelers and the -6 points.

MIAMI @ ATLANTA

The NFC South begins its series with the AFC East with this contest. Both are coming off impressive seasons after wretched losing campaigns prior to last year. The Duckies haven’t done a whole lot about their defense, and the Dolphins defense is stellar. Not only that, but Miami travels well, and this is a dome game. I like the Dolphins to cover the +4.

KANSAS CITY @ BALTY-MOORE

This game has Blowout City written all over it. The Chefs are almost completely rebuilt from the top on down, and QB Matt Cassel isn’t 100%. The Ravens have looked most impressive in the preseason. Ed Reed and his top-ball-hawking defense haven’t lost a step, and Joey Flacco looks even better than he did last season. 11’s a lot of points, but I believe in the Quothers. Take the Ravens.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ CAROLINA

I’m going to try and be as non-biased as I can with this one. Part of me is thinking the team will once again follow a great season with a really flat season opener. The other part of me is listening to that part, and is feeling convinced. The Panthers are just getting some injured players back, and I’m not sure they’re going to be 100%. The defense has looked absolutely wretched in the preseason, and Philthy is capable of many big plays. But the Iggle D has been hurting too. I think this might be a shootout, but I still lean to Philthy, and the -1.

DENVER @ CINCINATTI

Oh, here’s a barnburner of epic proportions. Two certain bottomfeeders will try to start the season with a win. The good news is that one of them WILL. The bad news?
It will only be one of a few. I lean to the team with the better QB, and the better wideout. That would be Carson Palmer, and OchoCinco. It won’t be often, but this week, I take the Bungles and the -4 ½ points.

MINI-SODA @ CLEVELANDLAND

Here’s a news flash – Brett Favre has told the press HE MAY NOT PLAY EVERY GAME!
Wow, how insightful Brett! I thought you’d certainly be the ironman of your legend!
Even if you don’t play, Brett, I still think your defensive mates will make it a tough day for Brady Quinn. And AllDay will not be stopped. A quiet day in the Dawg Pound. Vikings in a blowout, easily covering the -4 points.

NY JETS @ HOUSTON

I like the hiring of the defensive-minded no BS coach Rex Ryan for the Jets. I just think this is going to be a tough place to start the season, especially with an unproven group of quarterbacks. The Texans have been steadily getting better since Coach Kubiak has been there, and if Matt Schaub stays upright, he should find Andre Johnson enough to make a difference. I like the Texans and the -4 ½ points.

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS

The Jaggy-wyers wound up being a perfectly wretched team last year. To be honest, their offensive line was a wreck, and the team besotted with injuries. Most of those players have returned, and they’re familiar with the Colts. Meanwhile, Indy starts a new era without the black Tom Landry, but they still have the Otha Brotha Manning. That counts for something, but I’m thinking the score will be closer than the 7 points Indy’s favoured by. Take the Jaggy-whyers and -7.

DETROIT @ NEW ORLEANS

The Lions start a fresh season after the absolute worst NFL season – EVER. What a place to get started! It’s almost not fair! With the veterans already grumbling about Matty Stafford starting in place of a seasoned Daunte Culpepper, they face a team that would swallow flaming turds for THEIR QB. Expect the Saints to use Pierre Thomas as their new feature back, and for Brees to absolutely hurl the biscuit all over the Superdome with laser-like efficiency. This is the largest line of the day, with the hometown Saints giving 13 points! I’ll take it!

DALLAS @ TAMPA BAY

This for all the world looks like a blowout to me – A somewhat re-focused Cowboy team coming to Tampa, where the team had been pretty much blown up. I don’t believe that Raheem Morris has the same karma Mike Smith or Tony Sorpano did last year. I think they will pound the Bucs into the Raymond James turf. Take the Cowbabies and -6.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ARID-ZONA

Last year’s NFC champion begins its ’09 campaign with one of its fiercest rivals. I like Samauri Singletary’s old-school approach, but he needs a QB and some more offensive weapons to really make a charge for the division. I just think Warner and his Frisbee Dogs will be too much on this day. Gimme the Cardy-Noles and the -6 ½.

NY GEEEMEN @ WARSHINGTOON

This is supposed to be the marquis game of the day – GIMME A BREAK! I know these teams are so damned familiar with each other, but the G’ints are in whole ‘nother neighborhood when it comes to quality football and execution. While the DeadSkins do have a decent defense, their offense is just not getting it done. The G’ints have BOTH stellar D and O. If not this game, Hakeem Nicks will break out for the next. Expect NooYawk to wear the Skins down in the second quarter. GeeMen favored by -6 ½ and that’s conservative.

ST LOUIS @ SEATTLE

The Lambs still suck. Marc Bolger is old, and this team resembles NOTHING like the “Greatest Show on Turf” of as recently as 6 years ago. Seattle has much of it’s injured corps coming back, and a new chippy coach in Jim Mora Jr. The improvement of the SeaDogs will be apparent. The long road ahead for Steve Spagnuolo will also be apparent. Take the home SeaDogs and the 8 ½.

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY

I’d be willing to bet anything you want to bet that you won’t find 100 #4 jerseys in the stands this Sunday. The team, the town, and the hearts of the fans now firmly belong to Aaron Rogers. THIS is going to be the REAL marquis game of the day. If new Bears QB Jay Cutler finds a groove with Devin Hester, they could be tough. I just think the New Packers will be tougher. A happy day in TitleTown – take the Pack and -3 ½.

BUFFALO @ NEW ENGLANDLAND

Oh, Billy Cheatin’Chek gets his girlfriend back. And all of New Englandland from Bahston to Maine is once again aswoon. And looky what they get for their much anticipated Monday Night opener! Oh, it’s the Bills, the downtrodden, TO afflicted team that’s already fired their offensive coordinator. This will be a game to safely turn off at halftime, unless you’re a Pasties fan, and Brady’s on your fantasy team.
He slices, he dices, he juliennes the Bills! Take the Pastry-rots and the -11 points.

SAN DIEGO @ CrOAKLAND

The Monday Night afterthought for those of you who are on the west coast get another game you can safely turn off at halftime. Who are you kiddin’? The resurgent Chargers stamp their claim on the worst division in football by running roughshod all over the new face of futility in the NFL. I find it INCREDULOUSLY STUPID that the Schraiders actually let Jeff Garcia go- he was their best chance to win, but hey, if I was him, I’d be glad. I’d join Richard Seymour for a celebratory beverage! Won’t be a contest. Take the Fully Charged Chargers and the -9 ½.

There you go, Fanz. A perfect slate of games to start your season of earnings right.
And remember, gambling is for entertainment purposes ONLY. If you have a problem with gambling I’d strongly suggest going to

www.giveallyourmoneytocrazyjoe.com

and do just what it says.

See you in the lot!

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