Pantherfanz Rantz

THE SUPER BOWL CLARIVOYANCE

2012-02-04T17:34:00.002-05:00

Happy Saturday, Fanz!

The end of a most entertaining 2011 NFL season is upon us, and I for one, am looking forward to joining with our core tailgating group at Casa Coach for our final food and football fellowship of the league year! I will be most disappointed if my atomic chili doesn’t cause at least five cases of heartburn tomorrow… I’ve not failed you, dear reader, not once, in a weekly forecast this season for the first time since I took over the rant, and I won’t let you down now on this biggest of sports weekends.

You know the participants. You know the stories, the background, the smack talk, the girlfriends, the wives, the mentors, the this, the that, the onandonandonandon that accompanies the two weeks before the big game. I’m not going to discuss a word of it. Not on this blog. I’ve thought long and hard about this game – and my prognostication may disappoint some of you hoping for a good contest.

It won’t be.

And I’ll tell you why –

Who – was worse than the Panthers in total defense in the NFL this year?

Yep. 32 of 32. The Pastry- Rots.

What do the Giants have more of than the Pastry-Rots?

Yep. That thing that wins cham-peen-ships. I don’t see a matchup anywhere in this game that favours New Englandgland. Pass rush? Giants. Running game? Giants. Wide receivers? Giants. Gronk? Injured. I look for New York to take Gronkowski out of the game early, and rough up Tommy Terrific and get him out of his rhythm. Without his ever-reliable tight end, I think the New York defensive backfield, along with that excellent group of linebackers, can take care of covering Hernandez and the rest of the Pastry-Rot receivers. If the Giants “O” line can keep Fat Boy Wil-I-love-my-Fork away from Brotha Manning, he’s going to find any and all of his Three Amigos in the WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK Pastry-Rot secondary.

This is going to be a blowout, friends.

By the fourth quarter, we’re going to be more entertained by the commercials than the game.

Enjoy the day, loyal readers, and be safe.

I’ll be back with some draft day musings in April.

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CHUD WATCH -

2012-01-27T14:38:00.002-05:00

Hello, Fanz -

I would be amiss in my place in the PantherFandom uni-verse if I did not comment on the end of the Chud Watch this week -

Many of you know that yesterday, Tampa Bay hired Greggie Schiano from The University of Joisey, otherwise known as Rutgers, to guide their flagging franchise back to relevance, effectively ending all head coaching vacancies to all 32 NFL teams, and also effectively endng the prospect of Rob Chudzinsky, offensive wunderkind, leaving the Carolina Panthers for the 2012 season.

So, what does this mean for the Panthers, their fans, and the rest of the league?

It means that the number one priority for our continued success has been met.

It means that innovated plays like "The Brockelrooskie" will continue to amaze our fans, and distress our opponents.

It means that Cam Newton's growth as an elite NFL quarterback will continue unimpeded.

It means continued afternoons (and evenings) of exciting football that's worth tuning into.

It means at least one of our top three draft choices will be an offensive skill player.

It means an elevated attention factor to the team by the media.

And it certainly means that for the 2012 season, Primetime will be calling the Panther's number, meaning late afternoon tailgate parties to plan your fall weekends (and even Mondays) around...

And as the 2012 Super Bowl becomes a memory, and the offseason officially begins, the excitement and anticipation for the new season officially begins, with a renewed purpose, because for one more year -

We're not tossing our Chud.

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THE PRO BOWL HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCES...

2012-01-27T14:35:00.003-05:00

Uh................................

GOTCHA!!!

No comments beyond this..................

The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

THE CHAMPIONSHIP CLARIVOYANCE

2012-01-21T21:42:00.003-05:00

Well, Fanz, I'm late.

I've been thinking about these matchups all week, and hoping like hell we don't get a Niners-Pastry-Rot Super Bowl.

I was scalded in my picks last week, bringing me to a even .500 record for the playoffs.

I'll make these brief.

BALTY-MOORE @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

Houston gashed the Ravens again and again last week, and but for a couple of turnovers, it would be the Texans playing this game. This just in for the Quothers -
New Englandgland's offense makes Houston look like East Meck. Pastry-Rots BIG.

NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO

The Giants have come to life on both sides of the ball just in time. This defense is playing much better than the Saints did last week, and the Giants' offense is finding it's groove. This is a team that's ready to play well in the expected crummy weather elements forcast for tomorrow. I'm on the Giants to win!

There. Hopefully we avoid a sucky matchup two weeks from now -

The Chud watch, by the way, is still on, with no movement - cross your fingers, cross your eyes, cross your legs, knock on wood, embrace any talisman you have to make love to, but do it. We're almost in the clear...

Thanks so much for keeping up with my rantz - your readership keeps me poundin'...

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THE PLAYOFF HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCE- DIVISIONAL WEEKEND

2012-01-13T16:49:00.001-05:00

Happy Playoff Weekend Part 2, Fanz!

In my opinion, this is the very best weekend of the playoffs, and that includes the Super Bowl – The pretenders are out of the way, and the Elite Eight of the NFL are ready to entertain (or disgust) us with their urgent-there-is-no-tomorrow play –

I DID go 3 of 4 last weekend, and I’m giving myself an additional .5 in the scoring for correctly calling the manner in which the Saints-Leos game was played, only Detroit, sadly, failed to cover. I feel really good about going 4 for 4 this weekend . Read on –

NEW ORLEANS @ SAN FRANCISCO

Ahh, the reward for a top seed- a home game for your long suffering fans. Here’s one angle that’s been brought up ad nauseum – The Saints are winless on the road in their playoff history. The fact that they’ve been a different team on natural grass away from home reflects in the small Vegas line. Here’s where the most important part of the game will be played out – The defensive line of the Niners, along with the linebackers, will have to dictate the defense. There’s just too many options at receiver for Drew Brees for the secondary to cover. If they can get Brees out of his rhythm, perhaps they can slow the parade of points long enough to penetrate that average Saints defense and hold the lead before they wear out. I think this game stays close for most of the game, but you know that eventually, that mad-scientist offense will eventually overcome a gassed “D”. I’m not entirely confident in a San Francisco offense that’s lacking a bona-fide playmaker that’s not Frank Gore. I like the Saints to cover the -3 ½ on the road, and prepare for either a Tundra odyssey, or a triumphant return to The Superdome.

DENVER @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

This is the game that most fans around the country are salivating for, not to mention CBS, which is probably charging Anheuiser-Busch boxcar loads of cash for advertising time on this game. Come to think of it, I think Dr. Cheat-a-Chek is salivating over this, too. Don’t think that a complete demolition of the Teblow Express is his one desire, as well as that of jilted coordinator Josh McDaniels. Here’s a fact- The past three seasons that the Pastry-Rots have made the playoffs, they have been bounced AT HOME. They won’t allow that this time. The Brady Bunch has scored in Saints-like proficiency on EVERY DEFENSE this season, never mind that their own defense has been Carolina Panther-like in defensive deficiency. The key to this game is whoever Cheat-a-Chek has “spying” on Timmy Terrific, much like Thomas Davis pretty much finished Mike Vick against the Panthers. It will need to be a stout linebacker, as TeBlow’s a big boy. Denver will get their points and their yards, no doubt about it. New EnglandGland won’t be able to contain the run AND Teblow’s heroics for the whole game, but like San Francisco’s dilemma against the Saints, there’s too many targets for Brady to hit, and that Broncoid defense will be gassed by the end of the third quarter. This is no crippled WorthlessBerger they’re playing against - The Pastry-Rots are as healthy as they’ve been all season, and this is where Teblowmania ends for the season. The line’s HUGE at 13 ½. That’s ridiculous. I have no doubt that the Brady Bunch pull this out. A decimated Squealer squad they are not, but Denver’s playing with house money now, and absolutely no pressure. All of the pressures on New EnglandGland, and at times, it will show. Brady wins, but the Broncoids cover.

HOUSTON @ BALTY-MOORE

Three of this weekend’s game feature prolific, entertaining offenses. This one’s the pig in the pageant, if you ask me. This has the making of an ugly, UGLY Schlobberknocker between two stout defenses. Paramount in the outcome of this game is the ability of the defensive line to stop the run. If Ray Rice gets loose for the Ravens, it could be tough for Houston. Conversely, that two headed monster of Foster and Tate presents matchup problems for Balty-moore. I think Wade Phillips’ game plan would be to stack the box against Rice, and make Slacco Flacco beat them. Flacco’s been wildly inconsistent this season, and I think that the Texan’s secondary can make it tough for the Raven’s receivers. Gary Kubiak will not need TJ Yates to win this game for him; he’s just not that kind of quarterback. Yates just needs to play unspectacular, mistake free football, and let Flacco do the screwing up. He will keep running and running and running the ball until Andre Johnson can get free of dangerous corner Ed Reed. Johnson will surely be the “X” factor in any chance of a Texans victory, but this game is certainly going to be in the hands of the defense. That Ravens defense is slowing down, and Houston’s is heating up. Balty-Moore’s had inexplicably BAD games this season – this will be another. UPSET! Houston to win a low-scoring game!

NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS @ GREEN BAY

The second best weekend in sports (the opening round of the NCAA Men’s Tournament is the best! Bar None!) closes out with a tundra-melting matchup between two of the hottest offenses of late. The Packers have assembled a near-perfect 15-1 record by OUTSCORING opponents, as their defense has been penetrated again and again by teams with prolific offenses. The Giants, however, have finally gotten a bit closer to the way they like to play defense. If they can pressure Rodgers into incompletions, they can keep this game close. I’m seeing a vastly entertaining shootout, the best game of the weekend. Eli Manning should have a HUGE game with this “triplet” of wideouts healthy and available, and Aaron Rodgers gets All-Pro Greg Jennings back, too. However, playoff football in December is largely predicated on defense, and how well you run the ball. Right now, the Giants are better at both than the Packers, and I like the Giants and the +7 ½ in this one, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see them win.

There you go, Fanz – get those bets in, and remember your Cedar Street Seer when you count your winnings!

I’ll be back for an extensive championship forecast on Saturday.

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THE PLAYOFF HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCE - WILDCARD WEEKEND

2012-01-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

Happy playoffs, Fanz!

Well, it’s not as happy as it’s going to be next year, as the Carolina Panthers make their return to the postseason after Mr. MopeyHead learns more about playing in this league – but it’s an intriguing weekend of games just the same – I fire up the clairvoyance gland and make some good picks for you –

CINCINNATI @ HOUSTON

We kick off the tournament with the Texans’ very first trip to the postseason, and they are arriving not quite as they had expected earlier in the year. Rookie TJ Yates will be starting under center, but he has Arian Foster ready to go, and Andre Johnson is FINALLY back after season-long problems with his hamstring. If he’s fully healed, expect Houston to throw to him often, opening up the run for Foster. They got their yardage against the Bengals last month, while keeping Cedric Benson in check. I’d imagine more of the same. They’ll be home, and fired up. The defenses will be controlling the game early, but as Yates starts to find his rhythm, I think the Texans distance themselves and wait for the aftermath of the Pissburgh-Denver game to make their flight reservations. I like the Texans and the -3 at home.

DETROIT @ NEW ORLEANS

After last week’s offensive explosions by BOTH teams, I’m salivating for more of the same tomorrow night- it’s possible that new playoff records for BOTH teams could be set as Drew Brees and Matt Stafford fling the biscuit to their Frisbee-catchin’ dogs. Defense? What defense? These teams will get their yards, believe me. The line for this game is at 10 ½! The last team getting this kind of line was the ’08 Panthers at home, and we all know what happened in THAT game. I ain’t buyin’ it. While the Saints should win this game, I think the Lions keep it close, right to the end. I like the Leos and the points, BIG TIME!

ATLANTA @ NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS

The early game on Sunday has the GeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeMen back in the playoffs since their inspired Super Bowl run back in ’09 against the undefeated Pastry-Rots. The key for the Giants is to soften up that secondary, which is mediocre at best, and Eli Manning has the bullets to do it. On defense, they will need to slow Michael Turner, and put pressure on Matt Ryan. The Duckies have been playing small ball against the better opponents this season, and they had better not do that here. If the Giants O line can hold off John Abraham’s pass rush, they will carve the Duckies up like so much deli meat. And I think they will. Gimme GOTHAM and the -3!

PISSBURGH @ DENVER

The wild card games close out in the Mile High City – on paper this looks like a blowout. It’s not gonna be. The Squeelers are hurting in almost every position, particularly WorthlessBergers’ and his center Pouncey’s ankles, suffering from slow-to-heal high ankle sprains. SS Polomalu is dealing with a strained calf, which will hamper his speed, particularly in that elevated altitude of Invesco Field. They’ve not looked like the fearsome team they have been since their Dec 8th game against the Browns, and other than the game against the Lambs, have failed to cover. While Denver is suffering its own set of injuries, they still have a defense that will make things rough for a hurting WorthlessBerger. This is going to be one UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGLY game – If your betting the under, I’d surely take it. It wouldn’t be a big surprise to see the Broncoids pull the upset, but you can bet Dick LeBeau and that perennial potent Pissburgh “D” will force Timmy Terrific into uncomfortable situations. I think the Squeelers pull this out, but I’m on Denver and the +8 ½ at home.

There you go, Fanz!

Don’t go away for the season! I plan on being back a few times before the draft…

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EPILOGUE, PROLOGUE, AND WORK TO DO...

2012-01-02T15:48:00.007-05:00

A young mother looks in the mirror after a shower. She’s just dropped her two-year old to her first daycare, and the bikini body she had before she conceived is long gone. Her husband got a family gym membership, and she sighs, but she knows she has to get in there and sweat and exercise her body to get into that hot two piece she wore a scant 32 months ago. Shes’ got work to do.

The Tri-Lambdas of “Revenge Of the Nerds” looked at the dilapidated house off campus, with all manner of fixtures and molding falling apart. They were not dissuaded. They wanted out of the oppressive situation the head football coach put them in. They had work to do.

Rocky Balboa road the coattails of his prior successes until Clubber Lang beat him senseless in the third “Rocky” movie. Status quo was no longer enough to stay on top of the heavyweight boxing world. Apollo Creed sought him out. He saw that there was still a champion in him, but there was work to do.

A big yellow retired school bus sits in its big aluminum shed in James’ West Mecklenburg address. It’s musty, the seats well-weathered, but it’s the start of the new Pantherfanz bus. We’ve got work to do.

It’s in this spirit that I close the final rant of the season. It was disappointing, to say the least, to finish the season the way we did. There’s nothing positive about rehashing everything that went wrong, and in record numbers. But if you’re using that most superlative of ass-kickings as a diagnostic tool, it can be useful. There’s work to do. Every aspect of the Carolina Panthers needs work. Some more than others. Let’s start with the obvious.

The defense is awful. Against a bottom feeder like Tampa Bay is one thing. Against a good team you see the deficiencies. Against a great team, well, you saw the result. Yes, yes, yes, we’ve beat the injury bug drum all damn year. Every one has injuries. It’s part of the game. The key is having depth. This is where the scouting departments and talent evaluators must earn their money. You’re going to think I’m nuts, but I don’t believe that defensive line is our biggest need. I like our ends. I think Charles Johnson and Greg Hardy can put enough pressure on the passer, once the linebackers and secondary are stocked with NFL talent. I think a couple more big fat spaceeaters are important, although it’s possible our rookie tackles Fua and McClain could benefit from an offseason of OTA’s.

Behind this line lies one of our two biggest needs. What started out as a defensive strength is now one of our biggest weaknesses. Linebacker is a pressing need on this team. We are sure to lose Dan Connor, who despite his effort, will never be a top NFL ‘backer. James Anderson is an excellent role player, but he’s not the beast that BEASTon or TD was. And speaking of those two, it’s likely we’ve seen the last of Thomas Davis. There’s no guarantee that Jon Beason will be back to 100% after his Achilles surgery. There’s no question the effort’s there, but the body will be the deciding factor whether he can ever regain his formidable field presence. What this unit needs is a lunatic, my body-be-damned-as-well-as-yours, freak of nature athlete in the mold of Kevin Greene or James Harrison.

It isn’t likely this player is in this draft this year. Our best case scenario is for BEASTon to come back near peak, and a nice complimentary free agent acquisition. This is going to be a work in progress. It may take a couple of seasons to get this group back to its once fearsome, game changing status.

What REALLY ails the defensive unit is the backfield. While Chris Gamble has made a remarkable comeback in Rivera’s first year, he can’t cover the whole field by himself. Captain Mummerlin has looked completely overwhelmed in coverage, and there’s been few sightings made by Godfrey and Martin, much less plays. Gone are the days of the power hitting of Mike Minter, and the turnover generating Chris Harris. Take your pick. A tenacious ball-hawking corner with turf-burning speed, or a human Exocet missile of a safety is what this secondary absolutely needs. What we have now will simply not do, as evidenced by the way Drew Brees made us look like juco walk-ons. Like the linebacking corps, this situation is likely not going to be remedied by one draft. There’s a corner or two in the draft’s upper spots, and there’s a safety from Alabama that has promise as a second-round pick. It’s a start. A bonus for this draftee would be the availability and ability as a kick returner, much as Patrick Peterson is for the Cardy-noles.

Fixing this defensive squad, clearly, is the number one priority of the franchise. When the defense is bad, everything is bad. You lose the field position game, you lose the time of possession advantage, and you force your offense to score on virtually every play to keep any chance of victory alive. In ANY contest.

Thankfully, our offense is capable of that. But they are not without need of a bit of elbow grease. While Cam is UNQUESTIONABLY the white-hot superstar of our franchise for years to come, he needs to continue to grow into the position, and learn to temper his emotions. I feel strongly that he will do this, and not only will he grow into the leader he is destined to be, but he will become mechanically better, he will make far smarter decisions with the ball, and he will execute plays both basic and exotic with the precision of an explosives disarming expert. To do this, he will need the following –

-We must keep our “Double Trouble” duo intact. Having SteWilliams in the backfield along with Cam is a three-headed beast that most teams will not be able to defend. For Chudzinsky to have this in his weapons chest is paramount.

-We need Jeff Otah back healthy, or we need a suitable replacement. We also need to upgrade our line with depth. Keeping Newton’s jersey clean is a must next season. Opening holes for SteWilliams is vitally important to our offensive strategies next season. The O line is decent, but it can be better. Otah is a big part of this issue.
-While not a VITAL need, if you’ve got the chance to upgun your main cannon to a 105mm tank-buster, much like the Israelis (speaking of folks who had work to do) did with the archaic M4 Sherman Tank, you do it. Alston Jefferies of South Carolina is the kind of receiver that forces teams to single-cover Steve Smith or Brandon LaFell. Uh oh. Another weapon in the inventory of Chudzinsky. If he’s (or another big possession type Mushin Muhammad-type receiver) available in the second round, I think Hurney should think hard about taking him.

-And most important of all, we MUST keep Rob Chudzinsky on the staff for AT LEAST for one more season. Throw whatever cash you need to, Uncle Jerry, but this offensive wunderkind has to be retained. The success of the offense and particularly Cam next season will depend on it. While your at it, Jerry, you can keep Son Of Jaw here, too. Cam’s benefited much from David Shula’s intelligent and observant coaching style.

Another offensive need is a reliable backup to Cam if God forbid it, should he be catastrophically injured. Derek Anderson could be that quarterback. As shown by Houston and Green Bay, a good backup is critical to a successful season. Not having one? Indianapolis is the perfect example of what happens when you don’t have a contingency plan in place. So is Jacksonville. So are the Deadskins. So are the Iggles. Panthers, don’t be that team.

And while we’re at it –

Time to cut our losses on players that will never be. Say goobye to Jimmy Claussen, Armanti Edwards, Captain Mummerlin, Dan Conner. Orlindo Mare. Sherrod Martin, Charles Godfrey. And anyone else not making plays. The “lockout” season is over. Chef Rivera’s first trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is now less than four months away, and soon, it will be time to get to work on remodeling the Carolina Panthers, Ron Rivera style. I can’t help but be excited. Yes, it sucked getting our ass kicked by the team that very likely could be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy come February. But you know what –

When Rocky lost to Clubber Lang, he was clearly not the better boxer. Poland had little chance against Hitler’s Panzers with its cavalry. Duke will never, ever, beat Alabama or LSU on the gridiron. (nor would the reverse be true on the hardwood) (damn.)

But at the end of a period of blood, sweat, toil and tears, and a judicious amount of elbow grease, that young mama put on her two-piece, and strolled confidently onto the sands of Oak Island. Her husband is planning to go to Jared for Christmas. The Tri-Lambdas got a great frat house, and deposed the tyrannical Alphas on the Greek Council, and took control of the student life at Adams College. Rocky Balboa inherited a nice Italian restaurant in South Philly. And like the slick new Pantherfanz bus taking form in James’ shed,

I can see the end of the hardship period of the Carolina Panthers. They’ve got work to do. It starts now.

We’ve taken the first steps in getting out of the NFL cellar. We’ve gotten out of the bottom of the NFC South standings. That last place spot is now the domain of the Sucky-Neers. Duckies, you’re next. Saints-

We’re gonna remember this ass-kicking of yesterday. It’s not happening again. Win your SuperBowl XLVI, and have a big French Quarter parade. But next season, you will have 120 minutes, at least, of mouth-bustin’, bone-chattering, bell ringin’ football to play with the Panthers. From here on out…

And I’m not done with this blog. Not by a long shot. There’s still playoff football to experience, and I’m much inspired to chronicle this laborious journey about to be taken by Panther Nation –

Stay tuned.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 17 SEASON'S END!

2011-12-31T13:44:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, Fanz! This Saturday morning finds us at the end point of a tumultuous 2011, a vastly entertaining NFL season, and the administrations of quite a few elected officials – it’s an out with the old, in with the new kind of feeling. I’m already excited about the prospect of a significantly better 2012, and it’s in that spirit that I attack the slate of the final games of this season. It’s a Seeding Sunday, with all kinds of playoff scenarios even for those teams already in the dance, and TWO critical contests for playoff survival. And, I’m guaranteed a winning record. I am, after all, The Cedar Street Seer….

WARSHINGTOON @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

With their playoff cancellation determined weeks ago, these two division rivals are left to ruminate on what could have been. With no shot at a Mel-Kiperesque can’t miss draft choice, the Deadskins would surely like to close out the season with a win, but the Iggles, the biggest paper tiger since the 2005 Jets, are SUDDENLY playing inspired football on both sides of the ball, especially with Mike Vick back under center. Even with a depleted secondary, I’d expect those Iggles to get after Wrecks-Gross-man.Those fickle Philthy fans get to close out the season at the Linc with a win, thus giving them despised coach Andy Reid for yet another year. It’s a high line for a divisional game, but I’m inclined to go with the Iggles at home and the -8 ½ points.

TAMPA BAY @ ATLANTA

It’s incomprehensible how the trendy preseason pick of the Sucky-neers has collapsed like this in a nine-game losing streak – but the culprits; turnovers, lack of team speed, and key injuries have sealed the fate of Tampa for this season. The Duckies can do no better than elevate themselves to a five seed with a victory in this one, but I’d expect that they come out blazing on both sides of the ball, in an attempt to erase the humiliation of the beatdown they got in New Orleans last Monday. This game will be over by half time. Duckies double-digit big…

SAN FRANCISCO @ SAD LOOEY

This is a bona-fide “Suck For Luck” contest. Tied with Indianapolis for the worst record in the league, the Lambs actually have a great draft position should they wind up with the top pick, and if not, they still have an excellent opportunity to improve their statistically worse league standings from this lost season. The Niners, a vastly superior team, particularly defensively, want that playoff bye – they will play like they want it. The Lambs wilted against Pissburgh’s defense last week, and San Francisco’s is BETTER. Even with a depleted wide receiver corps, there’s enough here to avoid letdown. No upsets here, boys and girls. Another game over by halftime – Niners by -10 ½.

CHICAGO @ MINI-SODA

It’s an audition game for both of the NFC Norris division also-rans tomorrow. Joe Webb will get the start for the concussed Christian Ponder, and Toby Gerhardt for Adrian Peterson. They looked good last week in the defeat of the Deadskins, and the Vikings defense looked fearsome again with the rejuvenation of Jared Allen. The Bears were scraping the bottom of the quarterback barrel in starting Josh McClown , but he hasn’t looked Grossman awful. Yet. Kahlil Bell gets the start at running back for the Bears. I actually think this could be a high-scoring game. The line is a paltry 1 ½, and I’m leaning to the Vikings.

DETROIT @ GREEN BAY

While not as sexy a matchup as we’d envisioned earlier in the season when both squads were undefeated, it’s still plenty big for Detroit, who are fighting hard for that #5 seed, and the favorable matchup against the floundering NFC Least champion. The Packers have clinched everything they can. While Mike McCarthy hasn’t revealed his plans on resting players, you can’t imagine he’d risk injury to his key players for the second Super Bowl run. Who blinks first? McCarthy does. If you want to see Aaron Rodgers and Clay and Company in this game, you’d better tune in for the first half. You won’t see them again until the second round of the playoffs. And Vegas knows this. The Lions aren’t going to blow this chance to break that 0-20 streak on the Tundra, which is beginning to attain its Pleistocenic allure. I’m all over the Leos as a RARE road favorite at Lambeau, at 3 ½.

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS

All indications are that Sean Payton will be continuing to fling his juggernaut Saints at the suddenly bristling Panthers this Sunday. Sean Payton isn’t Mike McCarthy. He of the Onside Kick to start the second half of the Super Bowl will surely have his players in “urgency” mode for most of the game, but I guarantee he will be scoreboard watching for that Niners-Lambs game, playing at the same time. The Panthers, who are in the NFL’s top five offensive teams in yards AND points will be impossible for the Saints to stop. This game will be an entertaining close to the season for the Panthers, who will keep it close in a shootout, when Payton finally pulls his starters in the fourth quarter. Panthers have been a covering machine lately, and they continue here. Take the ‘Cats and the +8.

TENNESSEE @ HOUSTON

On the surface, it’s a game with nothing to play for to the Texans, and EVERYTHING to play for to the Titans, who amazingly enough, are a ROAD FAVORITE at Reliant Stadium. I don’t see it. There’s motivation PLENTY in the Texans locker room. With two consecutive defeats to the Panthers and lowly Colts, and now only TWO Pro Bowl selections, along with the insult by the betting line, I think they are coming out in this game swinging. I’d expect that with the return of All-Pro wideout Andre Johnson, coach Kubiak will want Yates to fling the biscuit regularly in his direction. Arian Foster will be keeping the Titans defense honest, and this outcome will not be in doubt. Texans are going to win this one going away…

BALTY-MOORE @ CINCINNATI

Here’s a game with much riding on the outcome – For the Bengals, it’s simple. Win and you clinch the #6 seed, Lose, and you can STILL back into the playoffs with losses by the Jets and Raiders. For the Ravens, it’s the difference between the #1 seed and the #5 seed! It feels like all of the pressure is on the Ravens, and they’ve played vastly different on the road this season. Add some significant injuries to the mix, particularly in the receiving corps, and I’m seeing a favorable outcome for the Bengals. Squeelers? Get set for yet another NFC North Championship. I’m liking the Bengals, with their Ginger Mini-C am, Andy Dalton at QB, leading the charge with that nasty defense behind him, to make the playoffs in an unlikely winning season for the Cincinnati Bengals.

PISSBURGH @ CLEVELANDLAND

This is a huge game for the Squeelers. The division, the playoff bye all hang in the balance as the team that probably hates them MOST, yes, more than the Ravens, entertain them in the season closer. Pissburgh is banged up like a teenager’s first car, but so are the Browns. I’d anticipate this to be a low-scoring game and I’d think if the score was comfortable enough, that Mike Tomilin would be sitting his starters by the fourth quarter. Vegas agrees, and has given the Men of Squeel a meager -7 point advantage. Take the Browns at your own risk, but rarely does Pissburgh blow this kind of game. I’m on the Squeelers.

INDIANAPOLIS @ JACKSONVILLE

Ahhh, the conclusion of the “Suck For Luck” campaign. This no longer looks like a shoo-in for the once-winless Colts. With wins over SUPERIOR divisional foes Tennessee and Houston, this is a chance to end the season on a strong note for Indy. To me, all of the matchups favor a Colts VICTORY! There’s a chance that TE Dallas Clark will be back, and they will be playing to a half-empty stadium in Jacksonville. Oh, how interesting the 2012 draft will be! Wrong team favored! Colts win! But Jim Caldwell’s job may still not be safe as the team looks to rebuild, and perhaps without Peyton Manning next season…

NY JETS @ MIAMI

One of the most entertaining rivalries in the league features a noteworthy storyline in the retirement of 15-year veteran LB Jason Taylor, and the desperation shot of making the playoffs for the Jets. Sexy Rexy’s team squandered the chance to control their destiny last week at home, now they get a chance to wilt in the South Florida sun. I think this will be a hard-hitting, low-scoring game. You can never be sure of the outcome of a contest between these two bitter rivals, but I’m sure that the Dolphins would like nothing better than to knock a team out of the playoffs and go into the offseason optimistic about a new season and new coaching staff for 2012. Miami brings a defense on the field that is equal to New York’s, and in games where there’s nothing to play for, Matt Moore tends to excel. Mark it down – Phish win.

BUFFALO @ NEWENGLANDGLAND

With the Pastry-Rots needing a win to lock down the #1 seed in the conference, there’s no better team than the Bills to clinch with – Even though they rallied to beat New Englandgland at home, this is a shell of that team that teased the Upstate with a stellar 3-1 record to start the season. Cheat-a-chek’s proved me wrong in all of the games I’d predicted blowouts in, and last week was no exception. If they DON’T blow out the Bills tomorrow, I’d be greatly surprised! Brady will find his receivers early and often in that soft Buffalo coverage. Pastry-Rots DOUBLE DIGIT big…

SAD DIEGO @ OAKLAND

For the first time since 2003, the Chargers are looking at a losing record if they drop this contest to a highly motivated Raiders team that has a shot to take the AFC Worst division, if Denver drops their showdown with Kansas Shitty. Sad Diego is wracked with injuries, players nearing the end of their careers, and an erratic Phillip Rivers. Their run defense is poor, and Raiders RB Michael Bush is on a roll. I’m expecting this to become a streetfight by the end of the game, which I think will favor Oakland. Gimme the rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAIDAHS and the -3, and the AFC Worst division champeenship!

KANSAS SHITTY @ DENVER

Aside from the Cowboys-Giants game tomorrow night, this may be the most watched contest of the day! Ahhh, the juicy storylines! Cut QB Orton coming back to Mile High! Teblow! Division championship! Crennell clinching a head coaching job for the Chefs! KC played the Broncoids tough in the matchup at Arrowhead – tomorrow afternoon they have one job – Stop Denver’s top-rated rushing attack. They have played at the top of their games for interim coach Romeo Crennell, and they’ll do it even more so Sunday. It will be Foxball vs. Fundamental Crennell. Won’t be a lot of scoring in this one. The mistakes will be made by Timmy Terrific, and the Chefs have an advantage of Orton having practiced against this defense. Many of us remember what John Fox does in seasons teetering between winning and losing records- this game will be no different. My money’s on the CHEFS- straight up!

SEATTLE @ ARID-ZONA

Thankfully, none of these two teams are going to the playoffs, but both squads go into the offseason with both questions and optimism. Neither squad wants to lose this game, as the loser gets to travel to North Cam-a-lacky next season to lose to the Cam-a-Lots! Ok, seriously, draft position won’t be impacted, but a non-losing record would be of some solace to teams that started so poorly. Arid-zona is going without Kevin Kolb AND Patrick Peterson, and Seattle’s running game is firing on all pistons with Marshawn Lynch. I’d expect him to be the difference. I like the Seahawsk to cover the +3.

DALLAS @ NY FOOTBALL GIANTS

Ahhh, what a game to end the season! I’m not sure, in a season that doesn’t have the Panthers in the playoffs, if it gets better than this. Winner’s in. Loser’s out. And this is a game the Cowboys tend to choke on. And I think it will happen. I will elaborate. Dallas’ aging offensive line has left Tony Romo open to the pass rush. Injuries to the running backs have left the ground attack, uh, hamstrung. Meanwhile, the Cowboys defense has not been able to get to the passer as of late. Against Eli Manning, that will be a problem. Also, with the running game resurgent for the Guys from Gotham, it will be hard to keep the Geeemen from moving the chains. I like the Giants – BIG.

There you go, Fanz! My final prognostication of the regular season! I hope you win lots of bucks and beers this weekend! And have a safe, SAFE , SAFE New Year. I’ll be back next week with the final rant of the year, and hopefully not as maudlin.

Last week – 9-7
Season – 131-101

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A VIEW FROM THE LOT - 5 YEARS LATER...

2011-12-26T16:02:00.002-05:00

I’ve been looking at a blank screen for about 5 minutes now, trying to recover the overflow of thoughts, impressions, and feelings I had, not only as a Panther Fan, but as someone called to replace a legend, as I’m trying to rant about what we saw from our Panthers on Saturday, Christmas Eve. All of the tired old adjectives and metaphors about Christmas presents, giant monsters with cool superpowers, and other hokey notions, I have been rejecting. I found myself coming again and again to someone I’ve thought a lot about lately –

I found myself thinking about Marc “the JoKer” Stanton, who wrote about the team AND our party from a vastly entertaining and wholly different angle for years before The Cedar Street Seer took the keyboard. One of the highlights of my gameday week was to read about Marc’s view of the game, or the game that was upcoming. And of course, a larger than life presence at our now league-famous party, thanks to the tireless work of Dano, James, and all of the rest of you who picked up the club, who show up early on Sunday mornings to make a pregame experience that’s second to none. I would imagine many of you who regularly read the “Rantz of the Week” know who I’m talking about. And with the holidays in full swing, I thought, in a Dickesonian way, the ghosts of Panthers past, present, and Panthers Yet To Come and how in not a dreadful sort of way, but in a melancholy, yet warmly sentimental way, he personifies the spirit of PantherFandom.

Yes, I thought a lot about Marc the past week or so. I thought about the inconcievable sadness we felt on that tailgate morning, back in December 2006, trying to carry on, and the five year anniversary of that tradgedy. I thought about the family he left behind, and how his Pantherfanz family rallied for them. I thought about the dubious task I had in succeeding his website “voice”. But most of all, I thought about the pure, honest PASSION Marc had for these Carolina Panthers. I thought about how savagely he critized the team when we sucked, and how fired up he got when things were going great. I took a moment at our last tailgate party of the year, and reflected on the vibe that I felt, the anticipation of not just a good game, but a GREAT game to send us off into the offseason, full of anticipation for greatness to come. And I appreciated the stark contrast, five years later, that THIS tailgate party, even without Dano and his thundering sound system, and his boisterous entrites to get us fired up, was a joyous celebration of the passion we all shared with Marc. I saw Marc’s Jeep parked in the spot he always had on gameday, the rear door opened, and a familiar archaic olive drab device beckoned to me. I picked up Marc’s old hand-operated WWII air raid siren that Brian thought enough of to bring, and let ‘er rip – and, you know –

It almost felt like Marc’s hand grabbed mine from the eternal beyond, and enthusiatically gave me extra assistance in blowing out the eardrums of Rusty, one of our Korean War veteran guests. It felt good (but not the part about giving you discomfort, Rusty, sorry dude!). And among our many party participants, the mood was one of tingling anticipation, that this would be a game to remember as the familiar whine reverberated through our tailgate party. I know that I personally, had no doubt about the outcome, only by how much we would thump this dissappointingly underachieving Bucs team, a team that was still very much our rival when Marc would write about the highly entertaining contests the two teams would have twice a year. Only now, I really haven’t thought of them so much as a rival, not as I would view the Saints or Duckies.

I would be hard-pressed, I think, to find any of you out there who would really care about that notion.

But all of these things did I bring to the forefront of my mind as what seemed to be an endless supply of homemade hooch in Mason jars found its way to my lips on that near perfect December football morning…

I truly apologize for being so maudlin on what is supposed to be a victorious “rant”; only I have nothing to rant about. It should be a RAVE – only once has this Panthers team scored more points than this – a 52 point obliteration of the Bungles back in 2002. But it’s a reserved rave. We really had no expectations coming in the season. The focus of the media is on all of the playoff participants, and it sucks to be out of that party, once again. A big win is a nice diversion from the unpleasantries of life as it is, but when the game has gone into last weeks’ fading storylines, we are once again reunited with what torments us.

But ohhhh, what we saw on Saturday! But for a legitimate defense, would we have been in that conversation! And if we are to truly be worthy of the providence of what could be in the years to come, we could see this point total in MANY games! What, I ask of you readers, who dare to dream, who shared Marc’s passion, could you see, even for next year? And unlike Scrooge’s fear of that ghost of Things to Come, THIS Panthers of The Future is gladly welcomed, and could bring for 2012 –

-Three or more primetime games, with the pregame parties of the century?
-More record setting performances by an offense that’s only NOW starting to realize its scoring prowess?
-A bona fide HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE, where the league can least expect a road win?
-A stadium bowl devoid of the fans of the other teams, as the home fans throw their support to the Panthers, at last?
-A playoff appearance, and a shot at a return to The Super Bowl?

Ohhhhh, all of this and MORE! What might be lost on the average fan is that opposed to the incredible yardage Cam threw in the first few games of the season, he threw a simply efficient 172 yards! Most of our yardage came on rushing plays, and half our touchdowns were made on the ground! With a defense to go with this powerful attack, there is no NFL team we cannot just beat, but blow out, week after week!

And, at last, the maturation of the PantherFans in Bank of America Stadium was realized, when the Wave was started in earnest, when the VISITOR had the ball! I would just ask that all of you stay long enough for the playing of “Sweet Caroline” to really make the gameday experience complete. You know you want to go “BomBomBom” when the good times feel so good – Which is what I’m forcasting in the short, and long term future of the team.

And how good it will be for me, as part of Marc Stanton’s legacy, to be able to pound out not rant after rant, but RAVE after RAVE when the dwindling trickle of Squeelers, Packers, Cowboys, Eagles, Giants and Duckies fans leave our stadium having had their teams’ fannies beat while we vociferously exclaim our victory as they once did here. If the performance we saw on Christmas Eve is an indication, the legacy left by Marc 5 years ago is in very, very good hands. I thank you all for your readership, and most of all, for living IN that legacy, whether you knew Marc or not….

This has turned out to be much a different report than I had anticipated when I left the Stadium with my sobbing daughter, but yet, a joy.

One more game before the season, for us, fades into the dusty archives of yesteryear. A happy holiday and safe and healthy new year to you all.

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CaptnTee@aol.com

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 16

2011-12-22T17:38:00.001-05:00

Good Thursday to you all, Fanz! It’s time once again for your weekly prognostitive entertainment, provided this season WITHOUT FAIL by your dedicated Cedar Street Seer. But this is no ordinary week of pics – This is CRITICAL Week 16, with most of the games being played on Saturday Christmas Eve, and postseason placement hangs in the balance – And I’m ready to let ‘er rip –

Clairvoyance gland, don’t fail me now…

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS

The Colts felt the soothing relief of a victory last week, but the fact remains. This is not a very good football team by any measure, at any position, and it mystifies me that ONE player, removed from the lineup, can result in such a dreadful year. Houston IS a good team, despite the letdown to the Cam-a-Lots, and that will certainly play itself out tonight. TJ Yates is not making the mistakes he made last Sunday. Take the Texans and the -6.

OAKLAND @ KANSAS CITY

Again, when you manage to beat a team like the Packers, you get your correct city and team name back. The Chiefs played their heart out for Romeo Crennel, and they’ll do the same on Saturday. The Raiders are battling a late season inconsistency, and I think the raucous Arrowhead crowd will help carry the hometeam through. I’m feelin’ the Chiefs and the -1 ½.

DENVER @ BUFFALO

TebowMania took a break last week, but it promises to resume at Ralph Wilson Stadium this weekend. The Broncoids are still playing inspired ball defensively, and the Bills sure ain’t Brady’s Bunch. One win, and Denver’s in. This is the win. By -3.

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE

The Titans got to be the team to lose to the 13-loss team last week. Chris Johnson is hobbled, as is Matt Hasslebeck, and with their playoffs on feeble math support, a win realistically, won’t help much. They had a hard time stopping a pair of unheralded fullbacks, and Maurice Jones-Drew is still quite the force in Jacksonville’s offensive backfield. I think this game will be closer than the line. I’m on the Jaggy-Whyers and the +7 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ CINCINNATI

It took a spirited fourth quarter and overtime for Johnny Skelton and his Cardy-noles to overcome a struggling Clevelandland team AT UOP last week. The Bengals will be that much tougher, and Arid-Zona traditionally has a tough time travelling east. Cincinnati’s got a shot at a wild card slot, and the defenses will set the tone, but the men in the cool striped unis will prevail, and cover the -4.

MIAMI @ NEWENGLANDGLAND

This is a game Bill Cheat-a-Chek doesn’t lose. Period. The Broncoids “D” is much stouter than that of the Phish, and Brady’s Bunch will penetrate them again and again. Take the Pastry-Rots and the -9 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ BALTY-MOORE

The Brownies’ defense is keeping the team respectable, and the Ravens dropped an inexplicable pterodactyl egg in San Diego last Sunday Night. Under normal circumstances I would take the Browns and the +13 points, but I made a vow not to take them again. And I’m not. But take the Ravens at your own risk with that hefty line.

NY GIANTS @ NY JETS

Funny, this is an “away” game for the GeeeeMen at their OWN stadium, that they share with the other Guys from Gotham. And both teams are reeling from REALLY bad losses. This is a very tough game to call for me – I love the Jets’ defense, but they looked TERRIBLE against the Iggles, and the Giants’ offense has looked incredible as of late, but looked like a bunch of fat hobbits against the Deadskins – AT HOME.
Both teams MUST WIN this game to stay in the playoff chase, and it will be played like it. But I like the Jets’ D to make the play that changes the game. Jets by -3.

MINI-SODA @ WARSHINGTOON

A game for draft positioning. Peterson says he’ll play, and this is too late for Wrecks-Grossman to audition for next year. Something tells me that the Vikings cover this one, and the Deadskins flub up offensively. Northmen and the +6 ½.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA

It’s a hallmark of inspired coaching when a team out of the playoffs continues to “swing their sword” as Foxy used to say. The Panthers are setting the tone for next season for Ron Rivera, and the Sucky-Neers are playing out theirs. There are some players who are vocally behind embattled Bucs coach Raheem Morris, but I don’t think there’s enough of them. There’s been some positive tutelage of Cam Newton by his teammates, and I think it will show itself on the field. A happy day for Pantherfanz. ‘Cats by -7 ½.

SAD LOOEY @ PISSBURGH

Even without Worthlessberger, I don’t think the Lambs can do much at Heinz Field with so much at stake for the Men of Squeel. The line’s off, but the clacking done by the universe and the space –time continuum may be too much to overcome if the Squeelers lose this one. There’s no way, but I would join the heavenly chorus of clackers if they do. But they won’t.

SAN DIEGO @ DETROIT

With one win, the once laughable Detroit Lions secure their first playoff berth in decades. They will do it on Saturday, but the Chargers manage to get up for the big teams at the right time. It’s just the sucky ones they falter with, and it will cost Turner his job. But this contest will be hard fought. Matthew Stafford will find Calvatron and his Decepticons enough times to get that victory. Phillip Rivers will do enough stupid things to cost the Chargers theirs.

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE

The Niners can clinch a #2 seed with a victory over suddenly scrappy Seattle. It’s always tough to play in Quest Field, and I think this weekend will be no exception. I’m feelin’ the Seadogs and the +2 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ DALLAS

The Iggles embarrassed the Cowboys on their last trip to the Linc. I don’t like the revenge angle, especially when there’s so much at stake. The Cowboys have traditionally choked in this situation, and I don’t think it changes here. Mike Vick’s playing well in his return, and they’ll be tough to stop. I like the Iggles to continue to put the late season tease on for the frustrated Philthy fans and win!

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY

Perhaps the best thing to happen to the Packers in their second championship quest was to be humbled by the Chiefs last week. They certainly get a chance to redeem themselves against their archrival from the Windy City, but Josh McClown is an upgrade from Mr. Hanie like Kim-Jong-Un is an upgrade from Kim Jong-Il. The Chiefs defense showed how to harass Aaron Rodgers through that now battered offensive line, and the Bears will do the same. 13 points is a heavy line, and I like the Bears to cover.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS

One win for the Duckies, and they’re back in the playoffs. If it’s THIS win, they still have a chance to win the division. But with Dan Marino’s record, and the #2 seed on the line for the Saints, they have too much motivation to let the Duckies run all over them. These two teams traditionally play tough, but when Drew Brees has something this significant to play for, he’s unstoppable. I’m all over the Saints and the 6 ½.

Another nice week for the Seer last week –
10-6
Season – 123-96

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WEEK 15 POSTMORTEM AND MUSINGS

2011-12-21T12:18:00.002-05:00

Spending all GameDay Sunday of a PIVOTAL Week 15 at my favorite watering hole, Fourty Rod Roadhouse and Grill in Mint Hill watching at least 6 or 7 critical games was probably some of the best bar time I’ve had in quite a while. And as the games unfolded, I ruminated, off and on, as the Panthers/Texans game ebbed into the annals of tomorrow’s media guide, of how this most unusual of NFL seasons was drawing to a close, and I realized that my prediction of a most exciting finish was being realized. No more were the expected championships of an elite group. All of a sudden, new teams were making proud statements, if not playoff pushes, and those teams that were the “anointed” found themselves in seasons of mediocrity, or worse. I had felt that with the lack of the now all-important offseason training activities (the oft-mentioned OTA’s), that teams with a strong start had an opportunity to make the playoffs despite a possible late-season fade.

Perfect example.

The Detroit Lions, who I, like many others, predicted to have a breakout season, are one win away from their first playoff appearance since 1998! Their game with the Raiders was in my opinion, the best of the day, and if you didn’t have Sunday Ticket or a seat at a bar with this program, you were stuck watching Timmy Terrific getting schooled by Brady’s Bunch. And while the loss severely crippled the Raider’s playoff chances, they went down swinging, which makes me believe the Hue Jackson era for Oakland will be an exciting one, if not consistently successful. The Cincinnati Bengals also took a strong start to challenge for a playoff spot, although the two losses to Pissburgh hurt.

Detroit, along with Houston and San Francisco, are refreshing new (and returning after a long absence) playoff contestants that will make January football worth watching, and for me, a delightful diversion from the absolute bummer of life these days.

I had also predicted that it wouldn’t be until Week 8 that some of your perennial postseason contestants got things together. Exhibit A- The Iggles, Jets, Seahawks, and Chargers all have mounted too-little-too-late drives, but to the leagues benefit, and to that of the networks broadcasting these final games, have made these two weeks possibly the VERY BEST FOOTBALL VIEWING in decades! And teams with nothing to play for have also hit the “turbo” switch – The Panthers victory over Houston is a perfect example. Although the Chefs have faint and I MEAN FAINT, playoff hopes, they came together in a HUGE fan-satisfying way to destroy the Packers’ perfect undefeated season.

Making a huge contribution to the intense air of urgency to these final games is the inexplicable COLLAPSES the so-called “playoff caliber” teams are suffering. Did you think that the DeadSkins would rip the britches off of the Giants and whap that fanny red? I would have never bet on it. Did you think that the Jets’ vaunted defense would wither like cut flowers on an August sidewalk to the suddenly surging Iggles? I thought not. And some of those teams already IN the playoffs aren’t gaining momentum going into January – The Ravens looked AWFUL in San Diego Sunday night, the Squeelers took a DELIGHTFUL tumble Monday Night to the Niners, who are truly boasting a February defense. The Texans’ league leading “D” could not blunt the power of the Carolina Cam-a-Lots. But most inexplicably, is the sudden vulnerability of the once-invincible Packers. All of a sudden, the NFC teams on a serious roll, like the Niners and Saints, look like they could come to The Tundra and simply blow away the media’s Super Bowl darling.

And, for you traditionalists, those teams you’re USED to seeing in the postseason, to your relief, are there for your viewing pleasure, like your Pastry Rots, and the afore-mentioned Saints, along with your all-of-a-sudden stumbling Packers, Squeelers, and Ravens. The distinct possibility of Dallas getting to the playoffs make this stretch run perfect, if not for the simultaneously annoying and amusing cacophony of the legions of under-educated Cowboy fans who’ve not been within 500 miles of Big D.

And I would be remiss to ignore the continued white-hot hyper-hype on TebowMania. Although the Broncoids were thoroughly undressed by New EnglandGland, Denver’s still very much alive for a MUCH unexpected playoff berth. You have GOT to believe that media executives are turning to Tebows’ sponsoring deity in frantic prayer that his Broncoids make the postseason, so that they can charge Anheiuser-Busch and Miller record rates for advertising during the broadcast!

I’ve not been this excited about the end of football season since ’08, when our Panthers were 10-4 and closing out the year as a top seed. Unfortunately, that feels like it was in ’98! But watching OUR future playoff contestant grow and progress has made the league feel enjoyable again, as we take our position of relevance when the franchises are evaluated.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the Week 16 prognostications…

See you all in the lot to close out our too-short season of tailgating!

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PERSEVERANCE, PASSION AND PANTHERS

2011-12-19T15:03:00.005-05:00

The world of the TRUE sports fan does not unfold, day after day, year after year, like that of those directly involved with the object of adoration, be it a team or individual. When a coach fails in producing a winner, he’s fired. When a manager fails to stock a team with good, contributing players, he’s let go. When an athlete does not perform in the field of play, he’s cut. When an individual finishes in the lower end of the standings, be it tennis, golf or racing, he loses sponsors, prestige, and eventually fades into that cursed obscurity where few bother plumbing it to retrieve their memory. It doesn’t matter what you did in the past, for today’s sports-o-sphere tends to eschew loyalty.

BUT-

For those impassioned followers, plays from yesteryear can be recalled with giga-pixel resolution. It’s what kept fans of the Boston Red Sox, the Detroit Lions, Notre Dame, Tiger Woods, Michael Waltrip to name but a few, engaged, hopeful, and reverent when remembering the sports that got their adrenaline running, that gave life an extra fire, and made every gameday a holiday. While a loser, The Warshingtoon Deadskins STILL have a devoted following even though a winning season seams to be light years away, and the waiting list continues to be agonizingly long. But the fans are patient. They are hardy. And they wait. Much like Charlie Brown waited for his hero, Joe Schlobotink, to FINALLY get a base hit. And if he never does, at least Chuckie gave his whole heart to an athlete he unequivocally believed in.

Some of us are rewarded for our passion sooner. Keeping the big picture in mind, I am transported back to 1988. On November 3rd, the city of Charlotte, North Carolina entered the national sports media stage by fielding its first bona fide professional franchise, The Hornets. I didn’t recall a SOUL who wasn’t AT LEAST interested in how they played the night before, when they were going to play, how many points did Dell Curry score, how many rebounds did Kurt Rambis snag, and if Kelly Tripucka cried like a whiny baby after the game. I followed this team with a fervor that bordered on religion. I listed to every game I could on the radio when games were not televised, and watched every game I could, and attended every game I could get tickets for. Our first season brought 20 wins, and with it, the hope of a draft pick to elevate our game. The next season brought 19 wins, and dismissal of coach Dick Harter. But the next coach, Gene Littles, brought 26 wins. As a fan, gradual but tangible improvement was all I could ask for, and the following season brought 31 wins. Continued improvement keep fans like me going through the turnstiles, buying Hornets merchandise, and completely engaged in what the club was doing. Once Alonzo Mourning was added to the roster in ’92, the playoffs became a realistic goal, year after year. But to the Charlotte sports fans’ discredit, we collectively are a fickle bunch. When the postseason never got past the second round, and owner George Shinn developed a insatiable taste for HoneyBees, the town soured on the team, and unfairly so. Combine that with a contentious dissatisfaction with a perfectly serviceable Coliseum off Tyvola Road, and a Mexican standoff executed with the skill of a writhing decapitated barnyard fowl by Rey Woolridge, my sports heart was CRUSHED when this team, my very first sports marriage, took off for New Orleans. Most of you already know the story. The city and the region then flung their total energies to the Panthers, whose arrival was made possible by the fervor generated by these Hornets.

But this rant’s not about the Hornets, or basketball. It’s about fan perseverance, the virtue that I remembered that I had, and sometimes I feel that I lack now when it comes to my current relationship with the Carolina Panthers, the team that put the PSL ring on my finger. The fickle attitudes of the Charlotte fan in general continue to drive the attitudes of those who fail to see beyond the mistakes of a Rae Carruth, the primal, uncontrolled anger of a Steve Smith, and as of late, the seemingly (and unsubstantiated) lurid pay-for-play rap that Cam Newton got. I remember hearing a casual fan saying “If the Panthers draft Cam Newton, I will NEVER pull for them again!” Fine. You go on pulling for your Colts. See where that gets you.

I began to think about this perseverance as Lauren , Ron and I sat in our favorite bar watching (as your Cedar Street Seer predicted) a highly entertaining game against the formerly #1 AFC seed Houston Texans. With this victory, we continued to increase our win total from last year, and the visible improvement that kept me going as a Hornets fan has re-energized my Panther Passion like PantherFanz’ Panther Potion produces a perfunctory buzz! And actually, this is the kind of victory, against a playoff-bound opponent that still has a stake in each additional win that is the measuring stick of our progress! And it was a pleasure to see, as we watched other contestants in the playoff sweepstakes flop like a harpooned mudcat. How do you feel today if you’re a Giants fan? A Jets fan? A Ravens fan? Or worse – the sputtering performance by the Green Bay Packers that exposed their weakness for the whole league to see! I feel better, as a Panther fan, going into the offseason than I do for any of these teams going into the playoff chase. It’s all about getting better –

And these Panthers are getting better. Take a look at Cam’s stats yesterday. 150 yards passing. Pedestrian by any standard. But NO mistakes. 53 yards rushing. Not particularly stellar. But what WAS significant was the way the offense kept a balanced attack collecting first downs, both by running, and by the pass. Even MORE significant was the way the defense played. I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the OUTSTANDING linebacker play yesterday, particularly by practice-squadder Jordan Senn, that product of the prominent linebacker school, Boise State. The tackles that replaced Fua and McClain are not embarrassing themselves, although, as I had predicted, Arian Foster DID get his yards and a touchdown. Our defense is a work in progress, but the operative word, and for this rant, is PROGRESS. It’s vital to keep the fires of the fan aflame.

One of my favorite creature features of my youth was a Japanese import called “War of the Monsters”, in which a smuggled opal from New Guinea reveals itself to actually be an egg, and hatches a beast called Bauragon in Osaka Harbor. The monster, of course grows to full size, and has all kinds of cool capabilities that it demonstrates as the film goes on. I can’t help but come back to this giant Japanese monster metaphor after seeing Chudzinkys’ latest weapon reveal – what I’M calling the “Brockelrooskie”. The media, as of this writing, is positively in LOVE with this play, and for the time being, has elevated itself to a mid-story, behind the national salivating over the Brady-Bash of Timmy Terrific, the puncture of the Packers, and the Colts’ escape from the indignity of 0-16. Tell me that you, as a Panther fan, did not squeal with approval and amazement at the iron balls it took for Chudz and Ron to call that play, which worked to laser-precise perfection! 40-Rod Roadhouse erupted in cheers when that play developed on the big screen, and claws were passed around to all! Again, another example that the status quo has slipped into the past, and Foxball is a plague only to be suffered in Denver, and never again in Carolina.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/09000d5d82529210/WK-15-Can-t-Miss-Play-Sneaky-Panthers

And the team, including the coaching staff, is continuing to learn from the errors of games past this year. When the Texans began to claw (or hoof,as it were) back from that 21 point deficit in the third quarter, I, along with the rest of Panther Nation, were only too aware of the 13 games we frittered leads away- well, so were the Panthers. Chudz did what he SHOULD have done last week, and unleashed the stallion-like running of Newton on third and short /medium situations, and collected enough first downs to prevent another comeback by the valiant TJ Yates and his Texans. Winning is infectious, and when this team learns to consistently make the plays they have to in the games waning minutes, the victories, the confidence, and the swagger will increase. And those of us who stuck around for the wretchingly awful end of the Seifert area, the even WORSE end of the Foxball era, and the occasionally painful labor and birth of these NEW Panthers, watching this NFL monster grow, and grow, and grow, revealing new and devastating weapons of NFL destruction season after season will be a joy indeed, and keep those fires of fandom flickering for years to come.

Which leads me to my ONE most URGENT CHRISTMAS WISH as it comes to these Panthers.

WE MUST KEEP CHUD!!!

Whatever it is that Uncle Jerry has to do, it’s IPERATIVE that he does, to keep this brilliant offensive mind employed and scheming for our team. I hate to sound all Deir-dorfy on y’all but I really feel that this part of our coaching staff is vital to our success for the short term, until Cam matures into the beast that he’s destined to become.

And with that, I end this rant of love for my team, hope for the future, peace in the knowledge that this team is going in the right direction, and joy at being a Panther Fan.

I have some more league ruminations that I’m hoping to blog about in the next day or so, and there’s the weekly picks coming to you Thursday morning –

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 15

2011-12-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

Another winning week gets me somewhat anxious to pound out another batch of winners for your speculative pleasure. And well in time for this evening malodorous offering by the NFL Network – read on!

JACKSONVILLE @ ATLANTA

Ahhh, but what thirty minutes hath wrought for the Duckies, coming back from certain doom to the Cam-A-Lots! They can strengthen their playoff positioning tonight with an easy win over the newly acquired Jaggy-Whyers. I will tune in to get the score only. Really no reason to watch unless you happen to be a fan or a fantasy owner. Duckies by -11 ½.

DALLAS @ TAMPA BAY

Doing all the little things badly is what’s handicapped the Cowboys this season. Although JJ has gone on the record for publicly supporting his head coach, his tune would undoubtedly change if they were to drop this one – Look at it this way – if Carolina and Jacksonville bombed on these guys like they have in the past two weeks, can you imagine what a talented squad like Dallas would do? If they start doing the little things right – Tampa is doing ALL things badly, and it will reflect in the score. Dallas by -7.

NY GIANTS @ WARSHINGTOON

After that shellacking the GeeeeeeeeeeeeeMen took in New Orleans three weeks ago, Manning and Co. have played as well as anyone in the league as of late. This is when they typically turn on the jets, if you’ll pardon the expression. I find it odd and mildly fascinating that the vastly underperforming teams with no shot at the postseason start playing for their jobs at this stage of the season, and it appeared as if the DeadSkins were doing the same against New EnglandGland last week. Even if they do the same, it won’t be enough. The Giants have a chance to keep their hold on the division and their only shot at the playoffs, and they win. By a touch.

GREEN BAY @ KANSAS SHITTY

Trap game? Hmmm. This would be the upset of the year. How will the Chefs respond to Romeo Crenell’s leadership? I’ve got this feelin’ that release from Todd Haley’s quirky dictatorship will be motivating. I’ve got a hunch they keep this interesting! Chefs to cover the 14!

NEW ORLEANS @ MINI-SODA

Dome team in a dome against a sucky opponent playing for pride only. The Saints are playing for records, and seeding. Saints by -7.

SEATTLE @ CHICAGO

How things have fallen apart (as I predicted, BTW,) for the Bears! With the loss of Forte and Cutler, the offensive output has plummeted! The loss to the Tebows has seriously punctured Chicago’s playoff balloon. And here comes suddenly relevant Seattle with resurgent Marshawn Lynch! I would expect them to run him till that overrated Bears Defense could stop him. They can only hope to contain him. Seahawsks to cover the +3 ½.

MIAMI @ BUFFALO

Ok, the Matt Moore express has come to a screeching halt for the Dull-Phins. And the early season hope for the Bills has turned into the perennial December Dissapointment once again. A game for the savory only. The line is still off, but I like the Bills at home, to give an early holiday gift to the faithful.

CAROLINA @ HOUSTON

Early in the season, I would have certainly put this in the “L” column. It’s still not a bad bet, but the Carolina offense is CERTAINLY putting up numbers, if sporadically, against ALL defenses this year and Houston’s got one of the best. But they haven’t seen Cam yet. With a playoff spot secured, the pressure is off the Texans, but seeding’s stll at stake. The excessively perforated Panther Defense will see a heavy dose of Foster and Bell all day, and it will be the difference. But the Panthers will play. I like ‘em to cover the +6 ½.

TENNESSEE @ INDIANAPOLIS

The Titans still have a shrinking chance at a playoff spot, and they are the better team. The Colts are in a malfeacently unfamiliar position as a team with NO wins going into the second week in December. How bad do they want ONE win, and over a familiar opponent in Tennessee? I DO think they want it bad enough, but Dan Orvolosky isn’t going to help them bring it. I like the losing to continue for Indy, who won’t even cover the spread of +6 ½.

CINCINNATI @ SAD LOOEY

Same story as above, but even less pressure on the Lambs, who DO have a pair of wins, and a high draft choice for next year locked up, and almost zero motivation to fight the vastly superior Bengals, who maintain their flickering playoff hopes with a road win by -6.

DETROIT @ OAKLAND

Desperation time for both teams as they fight to keep postseason possibilities alive. The Leos get DonkeyKong Suh back after two weeks in the naughty boy box, and I have a feeling the Raiders will pay for his pent-up anger. They have been disconnected offensively for the past three weeks, which is actually a surprise to me. If they can’t get things to go this week, I’m almost prepared to say the Carson Palmer experiment may have failed. Granted, they’ve lost some punch in the backfield, but other players needed to pick up the slack, which they’ve not done enough of. It will be hard to stop a motivated Leos team who clinch at least a winning record for the first time since last century – which they will.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ DENVER

THE

TEBOW

FRENZY

STOPS

HERE.

This has been the most hyped up game since Ali-Frazier II, but this is what Cheat-A-Chek does best, putting an up-and-coming team in their place, and the buzz and energy will be short lived. Tebow Time? Bronco Time? BRADY BUNCH TIME. The Pastry-Rots will play this rope-a-dope game with the Broncoids for a half, and pull away in the second. The TeBlow express comes to a screeching halt for a week, and the Pastry-Rots POUND Denver at home. And Timmy Terrific gives thanks for the opportunity.

NY JETS @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Come on, y’all. That victory over Miami away from home means nothing. The Iggles are still a dysfunctional group even WITH Michael Vick. And the Jets are gaining momentum. I’d expect it to continue this Sunday. Wrong team favoured. Take the JETS and the +3 points. Sexy Rexy’s not screwin’ this up this late in the season –

CLEVELANDLAND @ ARID-ZONA

Man, I did NOT see that upset coming last week! The Cardy-noles put on their man-pants in defeating the Niners, and they are going to continue their late season gasp, futile as it might seem, against a really bad, and now highly scrutinized Browns team. Think they’ll take an extra look at Seneca Wallace if his bell gets rung like McCoy’s did by James Harrison? Gimme the Cardys and the -7.

BALTY-MOORE @ SAD DIEGO

This game could be one of the most entertaining of the day – The Ravens really NEED this one for seeding, and keeping up with the Squeelers. The Chargers are, as usual, bringing too little, too late to change their playoff fate, but they’ll certainly fight. But the Quothers prevail, ending whatever tease San Diego brought, and further sealing Norv Turner’s destiny.

PISSBURGH @ SAN FRANCISCO

Ahhh, at LAST a Monday Night game worth viewing start to finish! A pair of 10-3 teams fighting for playoff seeding, and they’ll hit like it! The disadvantage for the Squeelers is the injury to WorthlessBerger and his banged-up O line. This is bound to be one of those field goal games, which I’m expecting the Niners to win. No line on this one, but I feel good about a San Francisco victory.

There you go, fans! Another winning slate of picks, and some against the line sure get the holiday cash a jinglin’…

See you with the post game rant on Monday.

Last week – 11-5
Season- 113-90

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THIS ONE'S ON CAM, AND I AIN'T "LION"....

2011-12-12T17:02:00.002-05:00

I’m going confess –

When I’m watching a really boring game on TV, regardless if it’s football, basketball, NASCAR, whatever-
I’ll often find an alternate channel to switch to when the “action” or significant lack of it, really starts to ebb –

And more often than not, I’m switching to nature shows, like those on the National Geographic Channels, or Animal Planet, Discovery, PBS, etc…

I’m thinking about this as our franchise Superman used the “safari” metaphor to describe his role with the Panthers likening himself to that “lord of the jungle”, Felis Leo, the African Lion, in an much dissected and scrutinized interview he gave to ESPN about four weeks ago, in which he remarked he would leave the “safari” if the culture of losing didn’t change -

Ok, Cam – Do you know which gender generally does all the work? It’s the females, bro. The ones that get little of the attention, who have to make room for the fully-maned males to get their “lion’s share” of the kill. And so often, in the kill-or-be-killed arena of the grasslands and jungles, the hunt fails, for reasons that have had miles and miles of footage displayed on our favorite cable or satellite channels. The pride goes hungry; the cubs starve and die, until fortune provides the lions with an easy kill. Life is often tough for those at the top of the food chain; you have to compete with other desperate, hungry elements in the ecosystem for either rare, formidable or elusive resources. I wonder if Cam thought about that – Leaving the “Safari” if you’re a lion means certain death. Learn your metaphors well before you emote, Cameron – This ain’t Lion King, where the tormented young heir to the throne of the pride gets to the happy ending, and the “circle of life” goes on in it’s eternal rotation…

And while you’re at it, learn how to eat the ball when there’s no positive offensive options.

I’m pretty disgusted at the results of yesterday’s game. I’m not going to comment on those who want to lose for draft position, I’ve made my thoughts clear on that view a rant or so ago. The fact that it was the Duckies made it even worse. How, oh, how, do we SQUANDER a 16 point lead in the second half? Let me count the ways –

1) INTERCEPTIONS – This one’s on YOU, Cam. You got no business flingin’ a weak left handed pass to a back that’s not expecting it. You’ll never run down impala playin’ like that, Felis Newtonia –You’d more likely be hyena chow, to maintain the “safari” metaphor – And you have got to grow up, Cam. When you fail on the field, you have to have the emotional fortitude to shake it off. You are not going to be killed for making an error, as Roman Gladiators were. You have the opportunity to make GREAT plays, but the valleys you plunge yourself into after you (or a teammate) screw up prohibit you from doing this, in my opinion. Stop the Mr. Mopeyhead act. Make it an offseason priority, as well as finding ways to improve your passing accuracy and decision making. The picks you threw were more than 50% of the malfeasance that denied victory for your fans that are STARVED for it!
2) DEFENSE – No pressure up front, abysmal coverage in the secondary. Yes, there’s injuries, but that’s what depth is for. But we knew the defense sucked, and was going to remain bad for the remainder of the season. When this is the best effort we can get from this group, it’s time for wholesale personnel changes. And while I’m at it –

3) SCOUTING – our draft selections, for the most part, have simply not panned out as of late. Who, on the defensive side of the ball short of James Anderson or Charles Johnson, has been a bona-fide force that was drafted in the past three or four seasons?

4) COACHING – This one’s on YOU – Ronnie. How do you not keep the foot on the Duckie’s neck while you have them down? And this one’s for YOU, Chudz – How do you NOT elect to have your MOST DYNAMIC RUNNER take off with the ball when it’s 3rd and short? Not the Duckies, the Bears, The Ravens, whoever, are going to stop Cam Newton consistently when he’s out of the pocket and running – there were at least four instances when I turned to Kathie in the second half and said – “Watch this – Cam’s going to take off” – only to have an errant pass fall to the BOFA turf, when Cams’ long athletic legs would have likely generated a first down - Chudzinsky – FAIL. ON YOU.

5) KICKING – Hoooooooooh Boy. Kickers kick. They are paid to a) kick the ball from a tee as deep as possible to avoid long return yardage. b) to kick the ball from a punting formation to accomplish a similar goal and c) to put the ball through the uprights for field goals and extra points. Now, I’m not of the mentality that a kicker wins or loses a game for a football team. They’re a contributing factor, but in the grand scheme of things, they are more a tactical element, than strategic. You don’t game plan around kickers, unless you are likely to call “time out” at the end of a half to screw with one. If you have fine tanks and artillery, you are likely to win the battle in warfare, if used correctly, but again, these are tactical weapons. Olindo Mare missing yet another clutch field goal belies a short-circuit in his emotional capabilities when it comes to git-er-done time. I see young kickers all over the league consistently making field goals considerably longer than the relative chip-shots missed by John Kasay’s replacement. I really hate to spend so much page on this subject, but after all the calls and post-game commentary I’ve heard crucifying this man for the loss, I felt it necessary. Again, he’s a contributing factor, but he didn’t turn the ball over, TWICE, or failed to cover the wide receivers making catch after drive-sustaining catch. Ok, I’m done with this topic.

And all in all, it’s big picture stuff. When your car’s not running right, you’ve got to identify the parts of the machinery that’s prohibiting optimal performance. And sad to say, this is what the prime focus of this organization has become in the twilight stages of the season. I have a feeling that more than a few familiar faces and names will be finding themselves searching for another place to play when the season’s over. All in all, the season hasn’t been the disgusting, unwatchable mess that was last season. As I had predicted, the games have been vastly more entertaining, although many of them have been gut-wrenching disappointments, much like yesterday. And it’s increasingly hard to write about if I don’t have an interesting metaphor to jump-start me – like the Japanese monster angle, or the struggling pride of lions.

I will end my rant by congratulating the fans – for the most part I saw MOSTLY Panther fans in the seats yesterday, and the smattering of Duckies fans were vocal, proud, and polite. Not a one did I find offensive, or in-your-face when their victory was no longer in question. The Panther fans were loud, noisy, and most of ‘em stayed right up til the last Panther possession, which, BTW, was another miscarriage of offensive playcalling. The lone exception was the fat asshole sitting in Section 137, Row 18, seat 23, yeah, I’m calling you out, for telling me, The CLAW MAN, to get out of his face and not return what is now the prime congratulatory gesture in our section! I sure am hoping you’re not buying Dan’s PSL’S…. because if you do, you are going to have a BIG problem with me, bigger than the blob of goo you have encircling your waist and likely ruining every aspect of your life, so don’t you take it out on a happy and passionate fan. That actually had a SLING on, indicating physical injury! Asshole. Remember, John’s got my back – and if you’re there next season, you are gonna deal with me. If this is what you bring to the stadium, we don’t want you. Keep your corpulent ass on your massively dented couch and watch whatever you watch away from fans who love to cheer, and claw, and high five. Actually, if you do show up again, I’ll simply ignore you. You are not obliged to return any congratulatory gestures to me or anyone else. But you, like all of the other stuffed shirts that feel that the price of the ticket they paid for gives them the right to sit on their hands and expect entertainment, miss out on the real fun of attending a home NFL game.

Actually, a post-post script. I notice that my surgically repaired left arm has no discomfort whatsoever after an hour of pounding out this rant. A positive sign indeed. I hope it continues throughout the months to come, not only for me, not only for the Panthers organization, but for you, Readers of the Rantz.

I’ll be back hopefully before Thursday afternoon with the picks for what is shaping up to be yet another vastly entertaining and exciting stretch run in this unprecedented football season…

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

2011-12-08T20:35:00.001-05:00

Here we go into the stretch run, Fanz! And I’m fightin’ the clock to get this done before kickoff of the Pissburgh-Clevelandland game –

And I’m gettin’ right to it!

CLEVELANDLAND @ PISSBURGH

I made a vow not to take the Brownies again this season, and I’m holdin’ to it. This for all the world looks like a blowout to me, so I would take the Squeelers and the -14 points at Heinz Field. This is when the Men of Squeel usually make hay, with the playoffs and the division at stake.

INDIANAPOLIS @ BALTY-MOORE

I don’t know HOW the Pastry-rots let a team like the Colts come back on them last week – especially given Cheat-a-chek’s proclivity to turn the phasers to “kill”. Harbaugh won’t make that mistake on Sunday – Quothers say – “home team by -16”… and the Colts are three games away from making legions of Detroit fans go “CLACK CLACK CLACK!!!!”

HOUSTON @ CINCINNATI

A CRITICAL road game for the Texans, a MUST WIN for the Bengals - This should be a defensive Schlobberknocker on the level of Squeelers-Ravens! I’m leaning to the Texans, with the better run game-

OAKLAND @ GREEN BAY

The Tundra should be close to frozen by now, and the Packers are well aware of their spot in history at this stage of the season. It’s more of a MUST WIN for the Raiders, but as of late, they have not been up to the challenge of taking control of their division. Like I illuminated in the quarterly report, the Packers can be had through the air, but the Raiders passing attack is erratic. Packers win this one going away…

KANSAS SHITTY @ NY JETS

This is where the Jets can help themselves. The Chefs offense should splash against the Jets’ D like the Atlantic caresses the rocky New Englandgland coast – Jets by -9.

MINI-SODA @ DETROIT
Another game where the home team MUST make hay. The line is off, but the Leos feast on the suffering Vikings.

NEW ORLEANS @ TENNESSEE

The Titans have to have this game to hold on to flickering playoff hopes, but the Saints are on a roll. I don’t believe the Titans can fully stop the offensive attack of Brees & co. Saints by -3 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ MIAMI

It would have been unthinkable two months ago, but Miami is actually favoured in this game. The Feeguls have completely come apart, and nothing Mike Vick can do will save their lost season. Matt Moore is playing like he did for the ’09 Panthers, and that’s like a mirage for the Dullphins, but they’re playing inspired football against all opponents these days. I like the Phish and a field goal.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ WARSHINGTOON

I wonder what the postgame locker room at Gillette Stadium was like when Cheat-a-Chek brought his stony face in – or- has Bill gone soft on us in his advanced age? I kinda doubt it. The Pastry-Rots are gonna scald the Red off of these Skins. By at least -8.

ATLANTA @ CAROLINA
Last week, a superior defense shut Michael Turner and the Duckies down. Last week, a pair of defensive tackles that were previously on practice squads shut down Legarrette Blount and the Sucky-neers. Ok, it’s not a good comparison. As much as I’d love to see it, the Panthers are NOT going to stop Turner this week. Duckies survive, but the -2 ½ line surprises me.

TAMPA BAY @ JACKSONVILLE

Ughh. Two teams that are in the toilet, and Vegas has apparently ignored this one. The line’s still off, and I’m reluctantly leanin’ to the Sucky-neers.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ARID-ZONA

The Cardy-noles showed an awful lot of fight against the Cowboys last week, and I think they’ll do the same this week, but the Niners are on a mission. I don’t think the other Harbaugh will dial down his phaser strength, and they’ll pull away in the second half. Niners by -4.

CHICAGO @ DENVER

The Bears are getting the Broncoids at a terrible time. Forte out, Hanie playing like he’s still in Hooterville, and Denver one of the hottest teams this side of a frozen tundra or murky bayou, or California suspension bridge. The Te-Blow sniffers will be throwing their hands up in glorious praise…Broncoids by 3 ½.

BUFFALO @ SAD DIEGO

Too little, far too late for the Chargers to save their season, but they’ll have enough for the Bills. Bolts by -7.

NY GIANTS @ DALLAS
THIS will be a vastly entertaining shootout! At last, a game worthy of prime time! I believe that lovers of offense should tune into this game by all means! I think that the Giants have just a bit more, and pull into a tie with the Cowboys by evening’s end. Wrong team favored – Giants to win the game!

SAD LOOEY @ SEATTLE

A Monday night for West Coasters, and I couldn’t care less. The line is off, and I’ll take the home Seadogs.

There! Just in time for kickoff!
See you in the lot!

Last week – 10-6
Season – 102-85

THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - 3RD QTR.

2011-12-08T13:08:00.002-05:00

As I’ve bemoaned in the past couple of weeks, it feels as if this NFL season has flown by – we’re now in the stretch run and as I’d anticipated when the lockout lifted, and the league play commenced in a never-before seen haste, we’d be in store for quite an exciting league finish. Here’s my view of the league after a fully completed three quarters of play this season.

In the AFC, while no team has clinched a playoff spot – four are damned close. Five teams have a puncher’s chance, and FIVE teams cling to math support. Two are in the “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes, but really, you know which team is SOLIDLY in the lead. Here’s the breakdown –

AFC DIVISION LEADERS

NEW ENGLANDGLAND (9-3) HOUSTON (9-3) BALTY-MOORE (9-3) WHA-WHA-WHAT???? DENVER!!!???
(7-5)

It appears that the Pastry-Rots and Ravens could lock up their divisions – A tough game against the Broncoids defense and the Te-Blow mystique await New Englandgland, but that two-game lead on the Jets looks secure to me. The Quothers need to keep pace with the Squeelers – a season ender against the Bungles could be the deciding factor, and they MUST keep their foot on the pedal against the lesser teams they will be playing. The Texans are on tenuous ground – a gauntlet of Cincinnati, Cam Newton, and arch-rival Tennessee await, with a “gimme” against the Colts stands between them and their first division championship. They MUST win two of those, particularly the season ender against the Titans to accomplish that. To their favor, they have a December-ready running game and defense for that task.
I’m not going to devote a lot of keyboard time breaking down the Broncoids. I am suffering from Te-Blow over-exposure, and the Broncoid defense doesn’t get enough credit. But it sure looks like they are set to overtake the Raiders, and snag a MUCH improbable division championship. Good job, Foxy! In three years Colorado will be sick of Foxball…

AFC CONTENDERS

NY JETS (7-5) TENNESSEE (7-5) PISSBURGH (9-3) CINCINNATI (7-5) OAKLAND (7-5)

Of these five, the only sure thing you could count on is the Squeelers making it into the postseason, if not wresting the Norris division outright from the Ravens. As for the remainder, a case could be made for a 9-7 finish, or worse. Multiple tie-breakers would come into play, ESPECIALLY if the teams in the next grouping manage to parlay their mathematical lifeline into an honest-to-God .500 record, or better.
This will be a most exciting finish for the conference playoff participants, which couldn’t be better for the league.

AFC ON MATH SUPPORT

BUFFALO (5-7) MIAMI (4-8) CLEVELANDLAND (4-8) KANSAS SHITTY (5-7) SAD DIEGO (5-7)

Improbable, daunting, monumental, insurmountable, and yet, mathematically possible for ONE of these teams to miraculously reach the final wild card spot – Don’t count on it. There is less than a 97% chance for ‘em, and the proton torpedo hits the exhaust tube only in the Star Wars movies, and Luke Skywalker has to be the one doing it. Disappointing and underachieving finishes will likely doom the tenures of Norv Turner and Tony Sorpano, but I believe that Chan Gailiey and Todd Haley will survive. First year coach Pat Shurmur will also get a pass.

AFC “SUCK FOR LUCK” CONTESTANTS

JACKSONVILLE (3-9) INDIANAPOLIS (0-12)

Much will be written in the months to come over this incredible collapse of the once-proud Colts franchise, who, after the loss of Peyton Manning, failed to field a team even remotely capable of competing. I would even hold future Hall-of-Fame executive Bill Polian responsible, Jim Caldwell will surely not survive the wreckage that a virtually certain 0-16 season will yield. The Jaggy-Whyers have already begun their purge, but really have no shot at the Colts’ futility, which gives them the right to draft the over-hyped, neck-bearded phenom from Stanford University.

The NFC has just a tightly-packed race for the finish, but two of the playoff participants have already been cast, with one more to be set this weekend. Here’s my breakdown-

NFC DIVISION LEADERS

DALLAS (7-5) NEW ORLEANS (9-3) GREEN BAY (12-0) SAN FRANCISCO (10-2)

The Packers and Niners have punched their tickets – the only question for the Packers is-
Will they finish undefeated? I’ve analyzed the technical readout provided to me by my R-2 unit, and I’ve discovered a weakness in their defense. An ordinary collection of defensive backs can be penetrated by a precise passing attack, however unlikely. This offense reminds me much like New Englandgland’s back in ’08. We all know what happened in that “Perfect” season – All the Niners have to do is keep the foot on the pedal, and avoid a letdown. The Saints are in great shape to finish the season and possibly secure the #2 seed. A victory over the Titans this weekend will do it. They finish the season at home, against the Duckies and Panthers. Dallas is reeling, and has a pair of season-deciding games against the Giants, and Jason Garrett’s employment with Lord Jerry hangs in the balance.

NFC CONTENDERS

NY GIANTS (6-6) ATLANTA (7-5) CHICAGO (7-5) DETROIT (7-5)

Even at the mark of 6-6, the GeeeeeMen have a legitimate shot at the NFC LEAST division, and because of the apparent ineptitude of the Cowboys, so do the Feeguls and DeadSkins! As I had pointed out above, two defining games with those Cowboys remain for Gotham, must see sports, indeed. The Duckies are sputtering, and a loss to the emergent Panthers will certainly doom them. The loss of Matt Forte and the “stellar” play of Caleb Hanie pretty much doom the Bears as well. The fade I’d predicted for them is ON, baby… The Lions will need to win three of their last four to guarantee their first playoff appearance since last century – The Vikings, Raiders, Chargers could accommodate that before a chance to SPOIL the Packers perfect record – on the frozen Tundra…

NFC ON MATH SUPPORT

PHILTYDELPHIA (4-8) WARSHINGTOON (4-8) CAROLINA (4-8) TAMPA BAY 4-8) SEATTLE (5-7) ARID-ZONA (5-7)

Just as I had written about the clump of AFC mathematical clingers, the fate of this sextet is assuredly sealed, but just the barest of chances is enough to keep a healthy part of the fan base interested. Realistically, ruining playoff runs of their opponents is the very best fans can expect. Whatever happens in the next four weeks is likely too little, and far too late for the futures of Andy Reid, Mike Shanahan, and Raheem Morris. Pete Carrol will certainly survive, as will Ken Weisenhut, and Ron Rivera will be given every opportunity next season.

NFC “SUCK FOR LUCK” CONTESTANTS

MINI-SODA (2-10) SAD LOOEY (2-10)

Even more ignaminous than the sucky record, and the potential of finishing with a meager two wins, is the fact that the Colts have likely locked up that #1 pick. Vikings – Lambs – here’s your consolation –
Super stud cornerback Morris Claiborne from the Bayou Bengals! You don’t need no stinkin’ quarterback anyway!

As for the postseason, I would forecast the seeding in the AFC to go-

1-BALTY-MOORE
2-NEW ENGLANGLAND
3-HOUSTON
4-DENVER
5-PISSBURGH
6-NY JETS

I would also forecast the Texans to overcome the Jets, and Denver’s defense to be a worthy match to the Squeelers, and the Te-Blow story survives another week, but will not withstand the Quothers. And the feel-good Texans story -----

CONTINUES!

As TJ Yates does enough to keep his Texans in the game in Foxboro, and Dr. Cheat-a-chek again experiences the January Swoon of his Pastry-Rots. But the Ravens prevail in the championship game.

In the NFC, I would forecast the seeding to go like this -

1- GREEN BAY
2- NEW ORLEANS
3- SAN FRANCISCO
4- NY GIANTS
5- ATLANTA
6- DETROIT

The woefully decimated Giants make a quick exit against the Duckies, and the Niners subtract the Lions. The Duckies get a rematch of last year’s debacle, this time, on the tundra! And in one of the sweetest games in the rivalry, the Saints CRUSH the Niners in the dome to set up a division championship sure to be salivated on by all red-blooded fans of the game –

Which I’d love to see the Saints win –

Which they can –

AND WILL!

And the comparisons to that dude that wore #4 will sadly continue for Aaron Rogers, and the Saints go on to have a memorable match with the Balty-Moore Ravens for Super Bowl XLVI!

There you go fans, your most entertaining analysis for your lunchtime reading – what a great four weeks this is going to be!

See you later this afternoon with the picks –

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BIG PICTURE

2011-12-05T12:51:00.001-05:00

I pondered what I would rant about after seeing the Panthers double their win total from last year.

I’m of a similar feeling from last week. Tampa Bay is a team that is spiraling downward, and without their starting quarterback, this is a team we should handle, and easily. So, while the game was impressive from an offensive standpoint primarily, it was largely expected from me. I just don’t want to get too fired up from this, a second consecutive road victory over an inferior opponent.

And, yet, I can’t help but be optimistic after what I saw yesterday. A metaphor that came to mind was one of those irresistibly hokey Japanese monster man-in-suit movies that features an embryonic creature that grows and exhibits more and more powerful and destructive features as the film proceeds to its finish. A play that personified this perfectly was the ingenious call made by Chudzinski to have Newton pass to Nanee, who in turn passed BACK to Newton, who deftly, and seemingly in slow, dramatic motion, moved the ball to scoring position. BRILLIANT! And so, another weapon in the fearsome creature known as the Rivera-led Carolina Panthers is revealed to an amazed legion of fans.

Which brings me to a larger scope.

The growth of this team is apparent. While the nature of the NFL in these days is favorable to rapid improvement, it’s STILL a process, one which takes sometimes two or more seasons, much as it had happened to the Detroit Lions. For some, like the Duckies, it can be quicker. It takes dynamic players and personnel, and we have one of the best that’s come along in quite some time. I’ve already forecast the brilliant future ahead of us in earlier, headier rants, I won’t replay them here. But like the building of a grand structure, we can see the beams and shape of the franchise to come beginning to take shape, and it’s quite encouraging. For once, there’s more than one playmaker in the receiver corps. The notion of a three- headed battering ram to defend against on our team is a delight to contemplate.

And, again, then there’s Cam.

From someone who was ridiculed by the media in an awkward interview by “Chucky” Gruden on ESPN, to a professional NFL quarterback who ABSOLUTELY GETS IT! Gets his role, gets his limitations, gets the growth process, and gets who he is without the dramatic diva antics. Case in point – a ball he held in scoring the touchdown that broke Steve Grogan’s single-season record would have been tightly retained by most NFL players. Instead, he graciously gave it to a young female fan in the front row at Raymond James Stadium. To me, that said volumes about where Cam is. He’s not thinking about NOW. He knows there’s so much more to do, so much more to accomplish than to be focused on an individual feat such as Grogan’s record. Detractors who deride Cam for his choice in sideline head adornment need to look again at this gesture before continuing to criticize him.

The season, as playoff aspirations go, is pretty much over. Mathematically, we’re not dead, but I refuse to believe that every team that’s 7-5 in our conference would lose their next four games, while we win our last four, propelling us into the playoff picture. Not happening. BUT! We could surely get started with the Duckies coming up! How good that would be, beating a team, A PRIME NEMESIS in our division, fighting for a playoff spot, and DENYING them that! It would arguably be the highlight of the season! This late in the season, most of what we’ve hoped for from these Carolina Panthers has been realized in a competitive, entertaining team that will roll over for no one. We had the predicted stinker against Tennessee, and for a half against Detroit, but we’ve fought for the entire season, which is a quantum step from where we were last season. After the disappointment of those losses has worn off, I can’t help but again be drawn to the big picture. To an offseason of serious building to a winner. If the defense can add a dynamo like Newton, we’ll be well on the way.

And like one of those iconic Japanese monsters, we can fly away (or whatever Godzilla does) at the end of the seasons to come, only to return to raze, like Tokyo, the league again and again to a fixated and ecstatic fan base…

I’ll be back soon with the final quarterly report…

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 13

2011-12-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

Good Thursday to you, Fanz –

I’m buoyed by not only the fact the Panthers have exceeded their win total from last year, not only that I can actually type for two minutes without significant discomfort, but the fact I went 11-5 in picking last week. I look to duplicate or exceed that this week in this stretch run of a too-fast season that feels like it had just started – This week features the whole gamut – garbage games, division games, desperate, MUST WIN games, and making hay games –

Let’s get started while my arm lets me do this –

PHILTHYDEPHIA @ SEATTLE

This game now falls under the category of “Garbage”. At 4-7, neither of these teams can be realistically expected to make a playoff run. Now that the pressure’s off, I’d expect the Iggles to perform better, even without Michael Vick at the controls. The Seadogs are coming off a miserable performance against a dreadful DeadSkins team, and have little to play for. I like the embattled Andy Reid to unleash his rushing attack supplemented by another rushing QB, Vinnie Young. Take the Iggles and the -3.

TENNESSEE @ BUFFALO

Game grade – “DESPERATION”- The Bills have lost 4 straight, and are no longer a credible playoff contestant – The Titans have gotten what could be a BIG break in Houston’s emergent QB troubles – Both teams NEED this game – but the Titans now have a re-energized Chris Johnson-led rushing attack that knows no home field advantage, plus, they are now motivated by the realistic shot at the once uncatchable Texans – wrong team favoured here – I like the Titans straight up!

KANSAS SHITTY @ CHICAGO

Game grade – “Making Hay” – Even though both teams are on virtually unknown backup QB’s, Mr. Hanie has a much better supporting cast than the Chefs, and the Bears are making a sham of my fourth place prediction to start the season. This is a game the Bears SHOULD win – and they will. Take the Bears and the -7.

OAKLANDLAND @ MIAMI

Game grade – “Making Hay”- Even though Miami has shown some fight as of late, the Raiders have put on a bona-fide playoff push, thanks in large part to a productive rushing attack and a resurgent Carson Palmer. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Raiders straight up!

CINCINNATI @ PISSBURGH

Game grade- “Divisional Schlobberknocker”- a loss isn’t necessarily fatal to playoff hopes for either team. The Bengals have played the Squeelers very well as of late, and are in no way intimidated by so called “Blitzburgh”. I think this turns into a field goal game, which the Bengals cover. Take Cincy and the +6 ½.

BALTY-MOORE @ CLEVELANDLAND

Game grade – “Making Hay” – The Quothers keep pace with their conference-leading competitors. I refuse to take the Brownies. Ravens big.

NY JETS @ WARSHINGTOON

Game grade – “Garbage” - A victory over the Seadogs doesn’t do much for me. I like the J*E*T*S to win yet another defensive field goal game to sustain their flickering playoff hopes.

ATLANTA @ HOUSTON

Game grade – “DESPERATE Schlobberknocker”- The Duckies have to have this game to remain in the playoff chase – The Texans have to have this game to preserve their psyche after losing TWO of their quarterbacks – Fortunately for Houston, TJ Yates is a professional grade quarterback that knows how to manage himself through adversity, as evidenced through his remarkable performance last year as a Tar Heel. And his supporting cast in Space City is far superior to his team from Chapel Hill. I think the Texans defense rattle the Duckies all day. Wrong team favoured here. Houston wins, straight up!

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY

Game grade – “Divisional Garbage” - Tampa’s collapse from the power rankings is unexpected, but welcome for Panther Nation. As of this writing, their defense is statistically WORSE than the Panthers, if you can believe that! Which means the Cam-a-Lots should have a great day for fantasy owners everywhere. I like the Panthers straight up in this one –Not only for a honest-to-goodness win streak, but on the ROAD, no less!

DETROIT @ NEW ORLEANS

Game grade – “Making Hay” – A humbled Leo’s defense now has to face a team with an equal offensive force to that of the Packers team that smoked ‘em for Thanksgiving! And without their defensive cornerstone, DonkeyKong Suh, I’d expect the results to be the same. Bears and Duckies and Cowboys and Giants are pulling for the Saints. So am I.

DENVER @ MINI-SODA

Game grade – “Desperation” – At 6-5, the Broncoids now are buying into this “Divine Te-Bowship” that has supposedly propelled them to a possible playoff berth. I ain’t buyin’ it. Te-Blow sucks as an NFL quarterback, but this Broncoid defense has bought, lock, stock, and barrel, FOXBALL. And THAT’s the crux of Denver’s success as of late. Jake Delhomme could be on this team and they’d still be 6-5. And the Vikings are bad. Wrong team favoured here. DESPITE Te-Blowmania, Broncoids win.

SAD LOOEY @ SAN FRANCISCO

Game grade – “Making Hay” – At 9-2, the Niners can clinch their first playoff spot in a decade by decking a divisional opponent that’s pretty much done. 13 points is a lot, but they’re at home, and they’ll be motivated. Take the surging Niners.

DALLAS @ ARID-ZONA

Game Grade – “Making Desperate Hay” – For the first time in years, the Cowboys control their divisional fate. First, they must defeat a Cardy-noles team that DOES have some bona-fide playmakers on it. They will have to account for rookie phenom Patrick Peterson, and Kevin Kolb returns at QB. Second, The Cowboys are still trying to cement their 2011 offensive identity, but Romo The Not-Homo is starting to play up to expectations. It will be exciting, and close, but I think Dallas gets it done. Take the Cowboys and the -4 ½.

GREEN BAY AT NY GIANTS

Game Grade – “Making Hay” – FOR THE PACKERS – it’s beyond desperation for the Giants, who were so exposed against the Saints – The Packers are a similar team in so many ways to the Saints, and will have no problem with the quickly fading Gi-AINTS.

TWO GAMES IN PRIMETIME THAT WILL SUCK MASSIVE ROTTEN DONKEY BALLS

I thought the new “Flex Scheduling “the league implemented was supposed to fix this –
Instead of Detroit-New Orleans, Pissburgh-Cincy, or even Dallas-Arid-Zona, we get

CHEATIN’-CHEK’S REVENGE – INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND for SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

If freshman Chef Rivera carved up the Colts with his Cam Newton Ginsu blade, and you imagine what Billy Cheat-a-Chek will do with Tommy Terrific and his Brady Bunch against his former nemesis? It will be like Gordon Ramsey at a Denny’s. Unwatchable unless you’re a Pastry-Rots sniffer. The line’s at 20. Can you imagine it being less?

SAD DIEGO @ JACKSONVILLE for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Like the game above – “GARBAGE”. Sad Diego has plummeted like available dates for Herman Cain. Phillip Rivers has become inexplicably inept, and the Jaggy-Whyers, well, they’re the Jaggy-Whyers, now with an interim head coach, and new owner, and a half-empty stadium. Like this Monday night. The Chargers have more “playmakers” if you can call it that, and I will lean to them.

There you go Fanz – I make more hay with these picks –

See you after the games with my Sucky-Neers rant –

Last week - 11-5

Season - 92-79

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WE SUCK LESS...

2011-11-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

I’m going to admit.

I had two pre-determined actions to the outcome of yesterday’s games.

One, for a loss ---

SHUTDOWN. There is NO WAY a supposedly “up and coming” team can lose to a 0-10 team with nothing to play for except MAYBE pride or a paycheck. It would have been an embarrassment from which this season, what’s left of it, could not have recovered. And I would have locked down the rant for the remainder of the season as well, unless the muse moved me. And the eyes of serious doubt would have been cast upon the Rivera regime from yesterday going forward.

I for one, am mighty glad I didn’t have to do it.

Two, for a victory –

Quiet acknowledgement. This is a team YOU ARE SUPPOSED to beat. The parts that we have expected to work well, did. Great. The parts we have accepted as sucking, did. Only The Carolina Panther defense could have allowed the Mighty Colts to notch one of their most productive offensive outputs of the season. But to Coach Chudz’ credit, he had a sound game plan offensively to absolutely leave no doubt of the outcome –

Pound the rock. When any football team can run the ball for 200 yards or more, you can pretty much expect victory. And against a significantly inferior opponent, you are virtually assured. Done. I’m pretty sure it was Woody Hayes of Suck-eyes fame that said –

“Three things happen when you throw the ball, and two of ‘ems BAD!”

So, an “up and coming” coaching staff did what they had to do to ensure victory, and a better season than last year. Again, great. Everyone’s happy.

We suck less. It’s a somewhat self-derisive chant I’ve taken to make on exiting the Pasture of Disasture in our all-too-frequent offseasons.

Less than….???

Certainly less than the team we just beat -

Definitely less than the Lambs, at 2-9-

Without AP, we suck less than the 2-9 Vikings, although they’ve beaten us this year –
Because of our excitement generating offense, we suck less than the 3-8 Dullfins and Jaggy-whyers –

There are 8 teams with 4-7 records just above us. Can you, with a straight face, tell me that the DeadSkins, Seadogs, Chefs, Chargers, Iggles, Browns, and Cardy-noles are significantly LOWER on the sucky-ness meter than US??? The Mighty Cam-a-lots? Make that argument to me! And this coming Sunday, we have a real opportunity TO PUT A TEAM IN OUR DIVISION IN LAST PLACE! Against a mightily struggling Sucky-neers team in Tampa, not only can we go on an honest-to-goodness winning streak, but we can DOUBLE our victory totals from our history-making monumental season of misery last year!

Our defense, of course, will be our ever-present albatross around our necks in that venture, but if we can keep moving the ball like we have, who knows? Tampa certainly doesn’t have a Calva-tron in that offense, so….

I don’t wanna get too pumped about this – After all, we just knocked around that little snot-nosed kid, and just barely got him on the ground, but we gotta start somewhere. Advancing in power positions is a very positive indicator of the direction of our team. The notion of sucking for a great draft pick is one that has forever been repugnant to me. I, like the professionals I pay dearly in real money to see and support,

WANT

TO

WIN.

Though not likely, an 8-8 finish would validate in the most convincing manner, the sky-high hopes we have for this team going forward into seasons to come. Hell, a 6-10finish would STILL guarantee high drafting position for the 7 rounds of Chef Rivera’s dash into the NFL Mega-Mart!

I end my rant with a heartfelt thanks to James, Tina and family for hosting the away-game watching party this week, and having some exciting NEW BUS CONVERSION planning! Yes, that’s right.

A new party bus for our new team….

That despite everything we seen that sucks this season, I’m still convinced will suck less, and one day,

Will not suck ----

AT ALL.

See you Thursday with the picks.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 12

2011-11-23T20:24:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving week, Fanz –

The holiday brings its usual conflagration of families long not seen, mounds of food for those fortunate enough to have it, and the delightful distraction of the games, three of them this year, one courtesy of the NFL Network.

And I’m thankful to have posted a winning slate of picks last week.

My recovering hand is still prohibiting productive striking of the keyboard, so I am keeping my commentary on my picks brief, once again.

Here we go, starting with the Thanksgiving Day Games –

GREEN BAY @ DETROIT

Here’s the game many of us have salivated over since both teams started the season 5-0. The Leos tailed off a bit, but are still very much in the playoff picture. Coming back from 17 points down to the Panthers is no monumental task, but does show how much fight’s in Detroit. And they’re at home. The Packers will have to get a test SOMETIME this season, and tomorrow will be the day. Take the Leos and the +7.

MIAMI @ DALLAS

The Cowboys have a chance to take command of the division – and they won’t blow it. I like ‘em big over an overachieving Phish.

SAN FRANCISCO @ BALTY-MOORE

For the first time in NFL history, a game featuring BROTHER head coaches takes place, and lucky for us, the teams don’t suck! I think there’s more urgency on the Ravens side of the ball, as the Niners should actually clinch a playoff spot with their next win. Just won’t be this week. Quothers by -3.

ARID-ZONA @ SAD LOOEY

Uggh. Someone has to win this game. The line is off, and I’m sensing a Cardy-Nole special teams play (Mr. Patterson?) to win it -

CLEVLANDLAND @ CINCINNATI

Like I said, I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Bungles big.

MINI-SODA @ ATLANTA

No AP? Big problem. Duckies waste the Vikings as they fight for their playoff lives.

TAMPA BAY @ TENNESSEE

Mediocre teams fighting for relevancy. I’m feelin’ the Sucky-neers to cover the +3.

CAROLINA @ INDIANAPOLIS

If the Panthers lose this game, whatever’s left of the excitement bubble of Cam-waggoning will disintegrate for the reminder of the season. And it won’t be pretty. And it won’t happen. There’s too much offense on the ‘Cats for that to happen. Panthers by -4.

HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE

This is when the Texans have to establish their hold onto the division, and throttle a vastly inferior team. And I think they do it convincingly. By at least the -4.

BUFFALO @ NEW YORK JETS

For these AFC East foes, the season is on the brink. To lose to Denver and Miami respectively is unacceptable for teams fighting for playoff positioning. As has been the case all season, the Jets defense has game-changing capabilities, and will be the difference. The Bills are fading altogether. Take the J*E*T*S and the -8 at home.

CHICAGO @ OAKLAND

Hello, Mr. Haney! The Raiders ain’t a customer in Hooterville to hustle – Welcome to your first NFL start! SOMEONE has to separate themselves from the rest of the morass that is the AFC Worst – I like the Raiders and the -4.

WARSHINGTOON @ SEATTLE

These guys get paid, too. The Deadskins play their best against the Cowboys. I’m sensing a three-pick game outta Gross-Man. Seadogs by -3 ½.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

The effort displayed by the Iggles last week was nowhere near enough to save their season, although their beleaguered offense may be able to puncture the Pastry-Rots defense. But then there’s the Brady Bunch. The line is off, but I like New EnglandGland.

DENVER @ SAD DIEGO

I REFUSE to get pulled into Te-blow mania. Its’ the DEFENSE that’s carrying the Broncoids, and Timmy just happens to be along for the ride. The Chargers haven’t dominated anyone all year, and it’s not starting Sunday. Denver hangs with them, but no Te-blow heroics this time. But they cover.

PISSBURGH @ KANSAS SHITTY

I don’t get how such a crappy team gets TWO consecutive primetime games! Won’t happen again. This is a game the Squeelers usually dominate, and I don’t see anything changing. Men of Squeel by -11.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ NEW ORLEANS

I remember a Sunday night game in the 90’s at the Superdome that the Saints had in hand, and Lawrence Taylor, separated shoulder non-withstanding, WILLED the Geee-men to victory, never mind that Morten Andersen’s kick was GOOD! ( %&*#^%$#%#refs….) This game doesn’t feature any kind of fearsome Giants linebackers, much less defense. The Saints DO have Bobby Hebert calling the color analysis on the radio, though…. Saints smoke the Giants, who let a vastly inferior Iggles team escape last week…

I'll be more thankful when my arm heals...

Last week - 8-5

Season - 81-74

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SUSTAIN

2011-11-20T17:31:00.002-05:00

As in the Panthers cannot.

Cam Newton may have not hit the wall...

But I have, for the day.

End of rant.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 11

2011-11-17T16:13:00.001-05:00

5-11.

5 and freakin’ 11!!!

Add that on top of the fact I had to write the forecast one-handed, and the suckage we endured on Sunday, I’m pretty Cammed out right now. I’m going to sulk until I get this right. I know my Gatorade towel’s around here somewhere…

The throbbing has gone down somewhat, and I’m gonna give this another go. I apologize for the brevity, and I’m going to go for one-liners for every contest to save my arm.

NY JETS @ DENVER

Sanchez more overrated than TeBlow? Uh-unh. Jets over by -6.

TENNESSEE @ ATLANTA

Duckies got more than Titans can handle. Duckies by -6.

CINCINNATI @ BALTY-MOORE

This is where we find out about the Bengals. They cover the +7.

JACKSONVILLE @ CLEVELANDLAND

I cannot take the Browns again this season, and not in a pick-‘em. Take the Jagz.

OAKLAND @ MINI-SODA.

It’s a point, and I think the Raiders are the better team.

CAROLINA @ DETROIT

We find out if Newton’s hit the proverbial rookie wall. I say no, but Leos cover the -7.

BUFFALO @ MIAMI

Feelgood time for the 'Phish ends here. I'm on the Bills.

TAMPA BAY @ GREEN BAY

Not this week. Pack by two touches.

DALLAS @ WARSHINGTOON

‘Skins done, Cowboys not. AT LEAST a touchdown.

ARID-ZONA @ SAN FRANCISCO.

Trap game? Nope. Niners by niner.

SEATTLE @ SAD LOOEY

Seadogs better.

SAD DIEGO @ CHICAGO.

Thought I’d never say it this season, but Da Bears have gotten on a roll. Chargers fading. Bears by -3 ½.

GIANTS @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

Iggles are done, GeeeMen not. G’ints by 3 ½.

KANSAS SHITTY @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

The Chefs have shot their wad, and return to Blowout Shitty. A two-touch yawner…

Whew! Got through that. Gotta be better than last week.

See you next week with the rant –

Last week - 5-11
Season – 73-69

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SUPERLATIVES

2011-11-17T13:05:00.002-05:00

Here's the Wikkipaedia definition -

In grammar, the superlative is the form of an adjective (or adverb) that indicates that the person or thing (or action) modified has the quality of the adjective (or adverb) to a degree greater than that of anything it is being compared to in a given context. English superlatives are typically formed with the suffix -est (e.g. healthiest, weakest) or the word most (most recent, most interesting).

I struggled to find the right word to summon my feelings for last week’s abortion of a game.

I didn’t want to use an ordinary malodorous adjective – SUPERLATIVE seemed to fit my sensibilities.

Using the definition above, we can apply this to the Panthers –

The WORST special teams in the league.

The WORST run defense, possibly the WORST overall defense in the league.

The WORST possible result of bye-week production and preparation possible.

Possibly (in my opinion) the hokiest, over-produced pre-game activity I’ve seen to date, and much apologies to our veterans...

The UNFAIREST use of pyrotechnics in player introductions – EVER. Where was the smoke and fire for everyone else (not that they deserved it, after the fact…)???

The WORST game I’ve ever taken my pops to –

The WORST game we’ve had since, uh, LAST YEAR, opening up some serious malicious karma.

The WORST waste of ticket money we’ve had since, uh, LAST YEAR.

And it also applies to PantherFanz –

The BEST tailgate party, bar none.

The COOLEST Tailgate vehicle, bar none.

The BEST guests, (Joe Cahn, CatMan, Danny Morrison, Top Cats, Sir Purr VIP Tour, Canadian PantherFanz, Ravens Nest 1, The Owner, The FANBULANCE, shall I go on?)

The TASTIEST tailgate food –

The MOST scrumptious desserts – Pea Dad…

The MOST wasted I've ever seen BLu...

The MOST POTENT of tailgate elixirs – Panther Potion

The MOST CONVINCING of reasons to renew your tickets, year after year.

And, at this point, my throbbing left forearm will not let me continue. I’ve got a reason to underperform this week.

Carolina Panthers -----

Where’s YOURS!!!???

I’m out.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES -WEEK 10

2011-11-10T14:04:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Week 10, Fanz, and Day 3 of my recuperation from biceps surgery. I’m going to attempt the weekly handicap with one hand hovering over the keyboard, which I can tell you, is a major pain in the a$$! Precursory to my surgery, I had yet another miserable week of forecasting. Can it get worse?

Since I have not been implicated in any scandals, I, in the words of the The Head PantherfanzCoach, retain this job of Editor-in-Chief until I pass the earthly bounds. So here is your Paterno-free commentary and prognostication for the weekend ahead. Starting with tonight.

And as I am one-handing this, I will make a SIGNIFIGANT attempt to keep each capsule brief.

OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO

This game should have more juice than it does, and I must say that the performance of the top three teams in the division has been disappointing at the least. All the Raiders had to do last week was to beat a MISERABLE Broncoids team! If Rivers doesn’t toss a pair of pick-sixes, the Packers lose their first game of the season! So, as with much of the contests this weekend, I find it hard to handicap this matchup. Both squads are turning the ball over in alarming amounts, and both squads are dealing with injuries and personnel changes. And, BOTH teams have FAILED to cover the spread for the past few weeks. Time for a team to make a stand, but it won’t be this week. In a game filled with mistakes and error-prone play, I, with much hesitation, predict the Raiders cover the +7 on the road.

PISSBURGH @ CINCINNATI

This weekend also features many intriguing divisional showdowns. This is the first. The Bengals are a different team this year, and so are the Squeelers. Embarrassed at home last Sunday night, The Men of Squeel have shown their vulnerability to the league on the national stage. If the Ravens’ sputtering offense could get well against THIS defense, I’m thinking the efficient Bungles could do the same. That porous o-line of Pissburgh had best keep Worthlessberger’s jersey clean or it‘s TWO “L’s” for the SqueelBoys. Wrong team favored- Take the Bungles and the +3.

DENVER @ KANSAS SHITTY

When you lose to the previously winless Phish AT HOME when you’ve got the division lead IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, you once again become Kansas Shitty. I refuse to succumb to Te-BLOW mania, and I refuse to acknowledge him as an NFL QB. If the Chefs can respond the way they did against the Chargers two weeks ago, they’ll win handily. Reluctantly, I lean to the Chefs and the -3.

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS

Uggh.

You know, at some point, Dolts GM Bill Polian has GOT to take some heat for UTTERLY FAILING to prepare his putrid team, or having a legitimate contingency in place, for the absence of Peyton Manning. They have been terrible in ALL phases of the game. This is their ONE CHANCE at salving the home fans pride just the tiniest bit with a “W” over the miserable Jagy-Whyers. I’m callin’ it. Dolts not just to cover, but to WIN! Hell, Miami and Sad Looey got off the shnide the past couple of weeks, it’s time for the Dolts.

BUFFALO @ DALLAS

For both teams, a critical crossroads game. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game just to stay relevant in the conference, the Bills need to keep pace with not just the Pastry-Rots, but now, the Jets, by virtue of their convincing win last week at RW. The Cowboys' offense STILL hasn’t found its gear, and last week was a great opportunity for it to do so against a struggling Seadogs team. The Bills self-destructed against a determined Jets defense, and Dallas’ is just about as good. I think this will be a low scoring, hard hitting game, one which I think the Bills will cover. Bills and the +5 ½.

HOUSTON @ TAMPA BAY

The Texans have a chance to separate themselves with a win this Sunday over the reeling Sucky-neers. If they can continue their potent rushing attack against a punchless defense, they’ll get it. Newly acquired blob of humanity Albert Hanesworth will NOT make a difference for Tampa. Texans by -3.

TENNESSEE @ CAROLINA

It’s hard to gauge how a Ron Rivera coached team performs after a bye- we’ve never seen one! Reports are the team practiced well, and they’ll need to be laser-focused on Chris Johnson. It seems that every elite RB gets well on one of the league’s worst run defenses, but conversely, every team in the league has been getting gashed by the Cam-a-lots! Just like every game we’ve played this year, our opponents will get their yards, but so will we. We will just get more. Panthers by -3.

WARSHINGTOON @ MIAMI

I’m not fooled by that 3-5 record. The DeadSkins are a team that are plummeting, and void of talent, and may actually begin to morph into a “Suck for Luck” team. Incredible as it seems, this stinking Phish actually has a chance to put a bad team away at home. No team has made more personnel moves this week than the DeadSkins, and it won’t help. It won’t be on the Broncoids bad level, but it will be bad enough, this time, with a different result. Phish by -3 ½.

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA

I’ve been paying close attention to this rivalry for close to 25 years, and my white-hot hatred for the Duckies hasn’t changed, although the cast of characters has. The Saints have had recent successes over Atlanta, and I don’t see that changing now. The Duckies have gotten fat on bad teams, let’s see how they do against a GOOD one! I think Brees & co. will carve up that porous Duckie D, and win convincingly. Games’ a pick ‘em, and you already know what I think.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO

I’m not ready to say the Bears don’t suck. But this game will go far in either extending my derisive view, or shutting my mouth. The Jekyll-Hyde Iggles aren’t a good gauge, this Leos team is. I expect that nasty Suh-led defense to rankle Cutler all afternoon. Like I have been all year, folks, I’m on the Lions.

SAD LOOEY @ CLEVELANDLAND

Double uggh.

A game only a Dawg-pounder could love. ‘Cause I sure can’t. The Lambs are far more banged-up, and most reluctantly, I lean to the Browns, who’ve done a piss-poor job of covering all year.

ARID-ZONA @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Can the maelstrom of negative karma swirling around the state Billy Penn founded continue to swirl around the Iggles this week? If Vick continues to turn the ball over, it just may. On paper, the Boids, should tear the Cardy-noles eleven new buttholes, but I’ve said this Philthy team is one of the NFL’s biggest paper tigers this year. But Arid-zona is BAD. Dull-Phins bad. Line is off, but if Philthy doesn’t win this one, Andy Reid will be finding a spot on the NFL Network sooner than he thinks. I’m takin’ the Iggles.

SEATTLE @ BALTY-MOORE

Remember what happened last time Seattle came east to play a highly regarded team? Fans of the Ravens had better hope Johnny Harbaugh does! They need to bring the same intensity they brought to the Squeelers game last week, and not the lackadaisical effort we saw against Jacksonville and Arid-Zona. I’m of the belief that those games were mirages, and the Quothers will get the job done. And Ed Reed needs to get him a pick-six. Quothers and 6 ½.

NY GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO

It’s been DECADES since the Niners have been relevant, but they are a game away from clinching their first playoff spot since early in the LAST decade. They will, but not in this game. You have to walk before you can run, and the GEEEEE Men are the highest caliber team the Niners will have faced this season. I like the Giants to cover in an exciting, hard fought game. If taking down the Pastry-Rots at Foxboro was possible, puncturing the Niners at The Stick is certainly doable.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ NY JETS

And speaking of those Pastry-Rots, a HUGE prime-time matchup awaits them against arch nemesis Sexy Rexy and his J*E*T*S. This is the kind of game Cheat-a-chek usually wins, although the once formidable New Englandgland Machine has been clanking a bit. I’m not convinced of the Jets’ return to power yet. Wrong team favoured in this one. I’m on the Pastry-Rots.

MINI-SODA @ GREEN BAY

The Packers are going to lose at least ONCE this season. Just not this Monday night. No matter how well the improving Ponder plays, and how many yards Peterson piles up, Rodgers & co. will pile up more. MUCH more. Pack by 13 ½.

I want to tell you, this particular rodeo for this keyboard cowboy was particularly rough. What usually takes 45 minutes tops has taken over 3 hours. Gee, I love my job…

Last week – 6-8
Season – 68-58

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THE CEDARSTREET SEER'S MIDSEASON REPORT

2011-11-05T14:22:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe that this 2011 NFL season is halfway over! The games sure fly by when they are as fiercely contested as our Panthers have made them, which is a sea change over what we endured last year, and that feeling is MOST welcome, and while the losing sucks, knowing better days are ahead make swallerin’ the losses just a bit better. One thing I’ll note in this midseason report is the fact that there had been NO OTA’s due to the lockout, and as I had thought, teams that were not expected to win have made hay while the “contenders” had to struggle to return to a competitive level. These teams have given themselves a great advantage in playoff qualification and seeding as we go into the stretch run in a very entertaining season of football.

Here’s how the league stands this Saturday morning.

AFC DIVISION LEADERS
BUFFALO (5-2) NEW ENGLANDGLAND (5-2) HOUSTON (5-3) PISSBURGH (6-2) KANSAS CITY (4-3) SAN DIEGO (4-3) OAKLAND (4-3)

Two divisions are tied, the West has a THREE way logjam thanks to the inspired play of the suddenly relevant Chiefs! The schedule should be kind to the Bills AND the Pastry-Rots. I expect them to be in the mix for the rest of the year. Houston SHOULDN’T take their foot off of the petal – If they go 5-3 in the second half, that should be good enough to secure their very first division title and a home playoff game! The North should be a MOST exciting race! The Squeelers have a somewhat soft schedule with the NFC Worst games yet to play, but the surprising Bengals are a fangs-width behind. Although Kansas City finds itself in a statistical lead in the West, their remaining eight games are going to be brutal. Oakland has the best chance to pull ahead, and Chargers better get THEIR offense figured out, or they will be looking at another season that comes up just short.

AFC .500 OR ABOVE
CINCINNATI (5-2) BALTY-MOORE (5-2) NY JETS (4-3) TENNESSEE (4-3)
Of these four, I’d expect the Bengals, by virtue of their softer schedule, to have the chance to qualify for at least a wild card spot. If the Ravens don’t figure out their offensive inconsistencies, they’re going to be in trouble. Defense will be the only thing keeping Sexy Rexy’s mouth a’ flappin’ for the Jets, and I expect the Titans to put on a full fade. The rest of their schedule is a killer.

AFC ALIVE BY MATH ONLY

CLEVELANDLAND (3-4) DENVER (2-5) JACKSONVILLE (2-6)

Uh, no.

AFC SUCK FOR LUCK
INDIANAPOLIS (0-8) MIAMI (0-7)

I don’t see how either franchise avoids a total rehaul after the debris of this utter failure of a season is swept away, starting with the head coaches, and I’d suspect even Billy Polian should be held to some scrutiny after failing to come up with some kind of satisfactory contingency after losing Manning for the year. I don’t see a “sure win” on any game on these schedules, but the Colts DO play the Jaggy-whyers twice, while the Phish play the Deadskins in a couple of weeks. I hope Mr. Luck likes South Beach…

NFC DIVISION LEADERS
NY GIANTS (5-2) NEW ORLEANS (5-3) GREEN BAY (7-0) SAN FRANCISCO (6-1)

You could make a strong case for three of these teams continuing their hold on their respective divisions. For the Packers, it’s a foregone conclusion, their MAIN goal should be staying healthy for the post season and avoid taking all future opponents for granted. The Giants and Saints have to begin running the gauntlets of their division foes, but the Niners, thanks to the spectacular coaching job by the Stanford Miracle Man, are in cruise control, and are just about as much a lock to win their division as the Packers are.

NFC .500 OR ABOVE
TAMPA BAY (4-3) ATLANTA (4-3) CHICAGO (4-3)

I’m expecting to see the NFC South teams continue to fight, I fully expect the Bears to fade.

NFC STATISTICALLY ALIVE

PHILTHYDELPHIA (3-4) DALLAS (3-4) WARSHINGTOON (3-4) CAROLINA (2-6) MINI-SODA (2-6) SEATTLE (2-5)

I think both Philthy and Dallas, if they manage to split the gauntlet of their division, can be a factor. The Deadskins have shot their wad and will not. The Panthers and Vikings have enough offensive firepower to make their remaining games interesting, but woeful defensive shortcomings, and in particular for the Panthers, awful special teams, will make their role more of dangerous spoiler. Both Carolina and Mini-Soda are experiencing franchise salvation with the play of Cam Newton and Christian Ponder, respectively. Anything’s possible in this league, but we’ll see these two become far more relevant next year. With each successive game, Pete Carroll shows himself less and less an NFL coach. The Seahawsks are done.

NFC ON MATH SUPPORT
ST LOUIS (1-6) ARID-ZONA (1-6)

There isn’t a chance in hell either of these will be more than contestants in the “Suck for Luck” campaign, and they’ll even suck at doing that!

As far as the postseason forecast goes, I see New EnglandGland winning the East, Pissburgh seizing the North, Houston EASILY gaining the South, and The RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAHS winning the division for the first time since early in the new century. The Bengals and Bills take the wild card spots.

When the conference championship game is finally over, the team with the best defense SHOULD be the one on top, but I just can’t, can’t CAN’T give that to the Bengals! Could I?

WHO DEY! WHO DEY! WHO DEY!!!

In the NFC, The Packers survive a late season surge by the Leos in the North, The Giants hold off Philthydelphia in the East, the Saints repel the Duckies and Sucky-neers in the South, and the Niners cruise to an improbable 12-4 finish. The Leos and Bucs secure the wild cards, and let’s get real, folks.
The Frozen Tundra in January? Who’s gonna survive that? The Cheese, that’s who.
And they’ll forever banish the imbecilic and overdone hero worship of that guy that wore #4 when Rogers and company overcome the WhoDeys in Indianapolis for Super Bowl XLVI !

And our attention will turn once again to college basketball…

And I shall rant on…

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9

2011-11-05T12:00:00.002-04:00

Well, Fanz, the negative karma continues to fall upon me. A second consecutive week of 5-8 has got me bumfuzzled. Come on, did you think the Chefs would beat the Bolts? Did you think the Iggles would totally emasculate the Cowboys? Did you think that Arid-Zona would push the Ravens to the brink? I think I need some prolonged Yoda time to get my whole yin and yang and feung chi thing figgered out. But even with the Panthers on a bye this week, I still love this game, love this league, and I’m ready to pontificate on my prognostication like the dedicated dude that I am.

Here we go –

ATLANTA @ INDIANAPOLIS

Sad to see, kindof, this once proud franchise playing out the string at 0-8, with NO CHANCE of even a winning season. Another major coaching job awaits both sides, for Mike White, selling his Duckies that this decapitated team can actually beat them, and for Jim Caldwell, the hope that they can actually do the same. Ohhhh, how I’d LOVE to see the Duckies be the first team to lose to the Colts, really I do, but I’m looking at the line, giving a MEAGER -7 points to Atlanta. If they don’t whomp ‘em by more than that, there’s serious trouble in Duckieville.

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS

Now, this game has got me spooked. Which Saints team is showing up on Sunday? The team that blasted the Colts to atoms two weeks ago, or the first team to LOSE to the winless LAMBS last week? The Sucky-neers are rested from their bye, and will likely give their division rivals their best shot. If Freeman can keep from turning the ball over, they’ve got a chance. The Saints are an -8 point favorite at home , but after last week, I’m not touchin’ that. Gimme Tampa and the +8.

CLEVELANDLAND @ HOUSTON

I’m not taking the Browns again this year. Damnit. Texans and -11.

NY JETS @ BUFFALO

All the Bills have to do is run the ball, run the ball, run the ball. Keep the pass plays to a minimum, and they can win a low-scoring game against a team that IS scary on defense, and listless on offense. I like the Bills and the -2 points.

MIAMI @ KANSAS CITY

If you beat the division leaders and move into a tie for first place, you’ve earned the right NOT to be called Kansas Shitty in my weekly blog. Way to go, Chiefs! Now, don’t blow it on a trap game that this could very well be. I haven’t taken the resurgent Chiefs all year. Maybe it’s time I start. Show me sumpfin’, KC – take out the hapless Dullphins on Sunday by the -4 you’re favoured by!

SAN FRANCISCO @ WARSHINGTOON

It gets bad and it gets worse for the Deadskins. Buffalo and Carolina have provided excellent game film on how to overcome this defense. I can see an early exodus from Danny Snyder’s FedEx Field. Take the Niners and the -3 ½ points.

SEATTLE @ DALLAS

The Cowboys are going to have to take their frustrations out on someone – and it sucks for the injury-riddled Seadogs to have to be the one. The Cowboys HAVE to have this game, and they’ve got the personnel to make it happen. By -11 ½ points. At least.

DENVER @ OAKLAND

With two weeks to get into Hue Jackson’s offense, Carson Palmer should be able to manage his new Raiders over the moribund Broncoids, who really, REALLY need to start Brady Quinn – he just CAN’T be any worse that Timmy Terrible – If he has another five turnovers against that rabid Raider defense, how does Foxy not pull the plug on this putrid, failed experiment? And Carson now has his former favorite target to toss touches to, one T.J. Houshmanzada. Take the Raiders and the -8 points.

CINCINNATI @ TENNESSEE

I don’t get this line – a team that can’t run the ball, all of a sudden can’t pass the ball, FAVOURED by 3 over a team that’s among the league leaders in defense? I ain’t buyin’ it, folks. Gimme the BENGALS, yes, the BENGALS and the +3!!!

ST. LOUIS @ ARID-ZONA

Johnny Skelton starts at QB for the Cardy-noles against a previously WINLESS, LIFELESS Rams team that PUNKED the division leading Saints last week. My last memory of Johnny Skelton is the LOSS he suffered to the league WORST Cackalacky Punthers last season to close the book on John Fox’ tenure here in Charlotte. I’m gettin’ a similar vibe here. Wrong team favoured. I like the Lambs to become RAMS, for one week, at least. Steven Jackson leads the ball control small ball offense and gets his team a second consecutive win.

NY GIANTS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

When Eli Manning tells the press he’s in the same league as Tommy Touchdown, some were irked. I dunno, folks, when you beat a team on the precipice of perfection in the biggest game of the season, I firmly believe you’ve backed yourself up. Take a bow, Eli. There’s no E-L-I-T-E without E-L-I. You and your Giants have fun against that underachieving Pastry-Rot defense. Invent some bulletin board material, Tom, and get fired up about slingin’ bullets against this injury riddled Giants defense! I like the Giants to cover that insane +9 points Vegas has so gifted them, in a terribly exciting, high scoring afternoon game.

GREEN BAY @ SAN DIEGO

Some time, some game, THIS SEASON, someone is going to beat the Packers. Not this team, not this weekend. After last Monday night, the oddsmakers are favouring the CHARGERS???!!! They think they know something. They don’t know what the Cedar Street Seer does. Take the Packers, not only to cover, but to WIN.

BALTY-MOORE @ PISSBURGH

Think the Squeelers don’t remember the seven-turnover debacle of the season opener? Revenge, especially for THIS team, is a strong motivating factor. Jerome Harrison will be back at OLB and he’ll be looking to inflict some pain on a suddenly tentative and vulnerable Ravens offense. Rivalry game, yes. The Ravens defense will hit hard. The Squeelers will hit harder. Much as I hate to say it, Ravens Nest #1, you’re in for a disappointing afternoon. Men of Squeel in a blowout.

CHICAGO @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

I was definitely wrong about the Iggles last week, and I’m not gonna be wrong again. I continue to beat the “Bears Still Suck” drum until I’m proven right this season. 7’s a lot of points to get at home, but this Bears defense is largely rated on impression only. Peppers won’t catch Vick, and like most of this season, won’t be a factor. I like the Iggles and the -7.

There you go, Fanz. My opportunity to escape the shame of two consecutive weeks of underperformance. May it be for you also. Enjoy the games, and hopefully I get the half-way report posted this evening.

Last week – 5-8
Season – 62-50

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A MUSICAL LAMENT

2011-11-01T19:26:00.000-04:00

(to be sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain…)

Ohhh, My Cats would not be beaten,
We’d be undefeated,
The league would praise our name….

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, my fists I’d be pumpin,
While the asses we’d be thumpin’-
If we only had the game…

Whether kickin’ or returnin’ –
The yards we’re just not earnin’ –
It fills me full of pain –

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Either Edwards or Pilares,
They are both just like Molasses,
Ohhh, if we only had the game…

Oh, iiiit’s – a major deal –
To start play at midfield,
I could hand ‘em off to De or Stew,
And then I’d throw,
And score some more!

I’m so tired of the losin’
Our pride that’s just a’ brusin’,
And I know just who’s to blame…

Deee de deee deee dee dee dee…

Ohhh, the games we’d be winnin,
And ol’ Coach would just be grinnin’

IFFFFFF----

We only had the game………………

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LANHHHH!

And as our beloved quarterback finishes his number, and finally makes it to see the Wizard, I can see the
Most famous Ozian contemplating Cam’s lament-

“Sooooo, my mega-talented squire from Carolina, I see you want some special teams! Why, you’ve got no less special teams than anyone else! The Packers to the Rams all run the same plays, but they’ve got no more roster than you do, my friend! But they’ve got something you don’t –
TALENT!
And so, by virtue of your heart and your desire, I give you –
The 2012 Draft!

Now, my dear Mr. Newton, just click your cleats together, close your eyes, and say, “To Canton I go, To Canton I go, To Canton I go…””

Like many of you this past Sunday, I was stunned by the end of our contest with the Vikings. It was a game I was sure were destined to win. While the defense could have played better, I didn’t feel they were the main reason we failed. I’m appalled at the ineptitude of our special teams. Now, I realize that many of those guys that would be ordinarily playing those positions are now starting at linebacker or corner by necessity, but DAMMIT!!! Our failure to move the ball any further than ten yards on any given return hamstrings this dynamic but young offense! Our failure to cover returns by our opponent hamstrings an already handicapped defense! It’s time to put an end to the Armanti Edwards as punt returner notion. It’s as effective as getting a sumo wrassler to dance in “Swan Lake”. Pilares at kickoff returner is a band-aid, I know that, he knows that. There’s no better option, and Coach knows that too. And I’m of the thought that there’s little chance of getting that worked out in the bye week ahead.

It’s a sad state of affairs, friends, but that’s reality. And it will be the issue keeping us down for the remainder of the season. And he won’t say it, but I’m sure Cam and Chudz would like to start far more possessions out of the shadow of the goalposts!

I spent the past day or two psyching myself to prepare a suitable rant. I’m in no mood to pound out all of the positives and the rosy outlook, and the moral victory. It’s just not there for me today, and it’s not there for me this week. I want wins. You want wins. The team DEFINITELY wants wins. It’s maddening to be so close, week after week, and to have it whisked away like the lustful are punished in Cervante’s book “THE DIVINE COMEDY”. Perhaps you think I should feel better because the Saints got their a$$ whooped by the winless Lambs. Or that the Cowbabies got pummeled by the dysfunctional Feeguls. Or that the Chargers fumbled away certain victory to a resurgent Kansas Shitty team. We’re not the worst team in the league anymore, and that’s a small comfort.

BUT!

A loss is a loss. In the end, all of the positives don’t wipe it off your record. It sucks to lose. I’ll feel better later, I’m sure. A tough sleepless night makes for a miserable evening, but the sun rises the next day.

I just hate that sunrise, as the Wizard tells Cam, is the 2012 draft. But like Christmas, it always gets here.

The waiting is the hardest part.

And like I wrote in the preseason, Coach Rivera hasn’t gotten to get HIS groceries yet, and is still largely fixin’ dinner with what Foxy left in the pantry. But his trip to the NFL Mega-Mart is coming. And I know there’s gonna be a big sack of special teams in that shopping cart –

And we’re halfway there.

I’m done. Five days til surgery, and IR for me…

I’ll be back before then with the picks and the half-way report.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 8

2011-10-28T20:23:00.001-04:00

Other than the Panther’s victory over the Deadskins, and the two blowouts I accurately predicted, I absolutely stunk up the blog last week. And although I correctly identified the Miami-Broncoid game as the top stinker of the day, I INCORECTLY picked the Dull-phins as the winner.

Ughh.

A dismal 5-8, possibly the worst picking I’ve ever done since I’ve started this blog.

With my fermented pain reliever at the ready, I slap the keyboard, and rev up the clairvoyance gland, and redeem myself. This week, other than a trio of hot conference games, is made up primarily of potential blowouts and stinkers. Welcome to Week 8, the halfway point already for a season that’s seemed to have FLOWN by -

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE

What’s incredible to me is, how quickly the overall fan base has acclimated to the Colts positively sucking as bad as any team sucking in the league this year. What I’m wondering is, how MUCH of a difference would Peyton being back healthy REALLY would have made? Peyton Manning doesn’t play defense, and this Colt defense is getting gashed in ways that would have been inconceivable even last season. The Titans are reverting to the mediocre-to-bad team I’d thought they’d be at the start of the season, but they are clearly better than the Colts. I would think Chris Johnson gets going here. The 8 ½ point line is massive for this game, but after the beatdown Indy got last week, I just can’t imagine them having the stones to cover. Even to a division rival. Reluctantly, I encourage you to go to the Titans and the – 8 ½.

JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON

Another absolutely BAFFLING score to me was the 12-7 score of last Monday night’s regurgitation of a ball game at All-Smell stadium at Jacksonville. How on earth does Maurice Jones-Drew put the ball on the ground 4 TIMES, and the Jaggywhyers STILL beat the RAVENS???!!! THE RAVENS???!!! That had to be a LOOOOOOOONG trip back home for Fired Up, Captain Defense, Poetic Justice and co. I just don’t get it. The one thing that I can fall back on is that MOST NFL teams are a collection of professionals who are proud of their craft, and on any given game day… well, you know the tired old axiom. Houston rode Foster big time last week, and he definitely delivered. They’ll need more than the running game to dent a suddenly confident Jaggy-whyers squad. This is a game that the Texans are going to HAVE to win, but certainly not by that stupefying -9 ½ that they are favoured by. I DEFINITELY encourage you to take the Jags and the points.

MINI-SODA @ CAROLINA

I touched on this briefly in my post-game rant last week. Adrian Peterson is the league’s leading rusher. That’s incredibly BAD news for one of the league’s WORST rushing defenses. Somehow, Rivera and his Cam-a-lots are going to have to scheme strongly to stop this potent rusher, and then – force rookie QB Ponder to beat them. I have faith that this growing football staff will figure this out. Because one of the BETTER pass defenses in the league is believe it or not, this Carolina squad. And one of the WORST pass defenses in the league belongs to these horn-adorned helmet wearers visiting this Sunday. I think Peterson will get his yards, but they won’t be enough to blunt the relentless attack of Chudzinsky’s offensive monster he created. Some lines have gone as high as -4 for the Panthers. Take them with confidence.

NEW ORLEANS @ SAD LOOEY

After last weeks total embarrassment of the Dolts, the hobbled coach Peyton will need to convince his Saints team that the Lambs are good enough to beat them in their home dome. I don’t think that will be a problem. Sad Looey has surprisingly hit the bottom of the league after such an encouraging season last year. I have all the confidence in the world in this New Orleans team to blow them out. Maybe not like last week, but very convincingly, by two touchdowns at least.

ARID-ZONA @ BALTY-MOORE

WHAT THE *^#@! %$* WAS UP WITH THE RAVENS LAST MONDAY NIGHT???!!! The failure of this team to perform to their usual high standard COULD be blamed on the coaching staff taking the Jaggy- Whyers FAR too lightly. This team is simply too talented to allow an inferior team to beat them, on ANY field. I think the Cardy-noles have regressed significantly since the opener, and the Raven’s defense will be playing like someone bitch-slapped their mamma. THEY will be the ones scoring points on Sunday, and the beleaguered Flac-a-lots will chip in a few. Harbaugh and company would do well to learn from their Monday night debacle, and come in focused. Arid-zona NEVER does well against the spread playing an early East Coast game. With a bit of hesitation, I encourage you to take that massive – 13 ½ point line for the Quothers.

MIAMI @ NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS

With two weeks rest, and one of the very WORST Dull-phin teams in memory coming to Joisey, I’d expect the GEEEEMen to pad their record with a thorough a$$ whoopin’ over this winless team. Coughlin would certainly have a coronary if HIS G’ints would be the FIRST team to slip on the Phish this season. Don’t count on it. Take the Giants and the -10 ½.

WARSHINGTOON @ BUFFALO @ TOE-RON-TOE, CAM-A-DA

The NFL continues to push its “international appeal” to our brothers to the north. Canada’s adopted NFL team, the Bills, gets to host the plummeting DeadSkins in a CFL stadium. With the loss of their only real rushing and receiving threats in Moss and Hightower, the DeadSkins are in trouble. I’m counting on Buffalo wearing out their defense much like the Panthers did last week, and Fred Jackson will rumble through them, keeping the surprising Bills near the top of the conference standings. The line is -6 for Buffalo, but I see this turning into a blowout.

DETROIT @ DENVER

I think the REAL Timmy Tebow is the one that flopped around Land Shark Stadium like a harpooned mud shark, and not the fighter that rallied for a paltry two minutes against one of the very worst teams in the league last week. It will be borne out this Sunday against a FAR better Lions team that DESPERATELY wants to get back on the winning side. Stafford’s hurting, but he’ll play. The line’s only -3 points for the Leos, but this to me for all the world feels like a blowout, too.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ PISSBURGH

This is one of those Hitler vs. Stalin games to me. Despite my intense dislike of Dr. Cheatin’-Chek and his Pastry-Rots, I’m going to have to stitch the swastika on those Squeelers this Sunday. Comrade Bradyski has shown an uncanny mastery over Das Squeelers over the past decade, and I think it will continue. The wild card is the resurgent Squeeler offense, which shouldn’t have a problem scoring on that quite vincible Patrioski defense. This could be the most entertaining game of the afternoon, and probably worth hanging out in the lot WAY past 6.00 PM watching it on Brain’s new satellite tv receiver! The gulag of New Englandglandski is favored by -3 over the Schwarzz und Gelt Nazis of Pissburgh. Take Stalin.

CLEVELANDLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO

If there was ever a trap game for the division leading Niners, it would be this one. For me, the Browns have been quite disappointing this season, and managing a mere 6 points over a vastly inferior team last week in a VICTORY, no less, doesn’t bode well going against a team that’s regained it’s swagger. I have a feeling that these Niners play down to their competition Sunday afternoon, and the Brownies cover. Take Clevelandland and the 8 ½.

CINCINNATI @ SEATTLE

Ugh. Another game that has potential to be a big stinker. The Bungles have a much better defense, and the Giants did them a favor in showing them two weeks ago how to lose to a bad Seahawks team. Bungles by a field goal.

DALLAS @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Ahhhh, at last, a prime time game ACTUALLY WORTH staying up for! It’s no secret that these two teams and fan bases absolutely HATE each other, and I’m sure you’ll see it played out on the field. Philty has yet to play its best football, as do the Cowboys, but both are improving. I’m taking the Feeguls’ distinct dysfunction into play as well as the electric Dallas offense as I lean to Dallas and the +3 ½.

SAN DIEGO @ KANSAS SHITTY

One of the biggest surprises to me last week was the THUMPING the Raiders took AT HOME to this suddenly resurgent Chefs team! The rabid and dedicated fans at Arrowhead will be sure to make a tremendous amount of noise in welcoming the now 3-3 team back home with a CHANCE TO TAKE THE LEAD in the division with a win, unthinkable three weeks ago. The team is doing it with defense, but Rivers and co. will be the toughest of tests for these guys. They’ll make it a contest early, but I see the Boltz pulling away in the second half. Take San Diego and -3 ½.

There you go fanz, your survival guide to one of the slackest weekends of football in recent memory.
When your big payday hits, don’t forget to libate your Cedar Street Seer when you see him

See you in the lot Sunday!

Last week – UGHHH! 5-8
Season – 57-42

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OCC-CLAW-PATIONAL HAZARD

2011-10-27T20:31:00.001-04:00

I met with orthopaedic surgeon John Ternes this morning to tell me what I had already figured out on my own –

I have a completely torn biceps tendon that will require surgery, and quickly.

How I tore it is kind of embarrassing.

In the third quarter of last week’s game, our first touchdown had me sprinting down to the field level for my customary “C*A*T*S” cheer and section “claw” running back to my seats at the lower concourse level. Either someone gave me REALLY heavy claw, or a DEADSkins fan grabbed my hand as I sprinted back to my seat, but I felt a “POP” in my elbow, and a feeling of what I could only describe as a window shade rolling up after a stout tug – and I returned to my seat feeling quite weird. I sat out the next touchdown, but after some vigorous massaging and another beer courtesy of my nayb to the rear, I managed to go down for one more cheer for our game-clinching touchdown. Elevated by our victory, and a regeneration of my buzz, I thought no more of my “injury” until later on in the evening, when I looked in the mirror, and saw that my left biceps muscle had an odd new position, and I knew something was BIG wrong – I was almost relieved when Ron bailed on the Canadian Golf Adventure for the next morning, because I felt pretty sure that a round of golf may have further damaged my arm –

I met with my primary care physician, Eric T. Landis the next day who took one look and said –

“Oh Shit!”

His preliminary diagnosis was severely strained or torn biceps tendon, as I had feared, but referred me to Dr. Ternes just to be sure – He didn’t even want to run an MRI – one examination convinced him Dr. Landis’ diagnosis was indeed correct. He WAS greatly amused at the manner in which I sustained my injury, and proud that I had hurt myself in the same manner as quote – “wideouts and running backs” end quote. Dr Landis thinks the Panthers owe me an injury settlement, but even two seasons after “Cheergate”, I don’t think I’ll be going there.

The surgery is scheduled for Monday, November 7th at 3.00PM, after which your “Claw Man” goes on IR for the season. Oh, I’ll be at the remaining games and show up at home viewing parties, but my role as primary cheer dude in my section are done this year. And I’ll need a volunteer to mix the “Panther Potion” for the Titans, Duckies, and Sucky-neers home games.

In retrospect, even before I go under general anesthesia to repair this arm-whithering setback, there’s not a thing I’d change about the way I cheer – When I’m released from the doctor’s care, I’ll be heading back to the gym and working as hard as ever, and when the 2012 season begins, The CLAW MAN will be once again leading the “C*A*T*S” cheer in section 137 as usual. And I’ll be giving CLAW in the lot, and CLAW at the game –

With my left arm in a sling.

To paraphrase the good doctor Landis –

“Oh Shit!”

I’d do it again, friends.

See you Friday with the picks –

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AMEN, COACH!!!

2011-10-26T19:32:00.003-04:00

As my percolating brain began to assemble it’s fractured pieces Tuesday morning over my first “cuppajoe”, it gleaned passively over the unremarkable headlines on the front page of the Charlotte Disturber, and as those freefloating thought fragments melded together, much as the T1000 liquid metal Terminator did in the second movie of the series, my eyes focused on one of the headlines on the sports section –

“Wanted – More of a home-town feeling”

Or something akin to that. For the first time that I can remember, a Carolina Panthers head coach lamented on the voluminous amount of the opposing teams fans in the stands. Hell, yeah, Coach! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!!! You cannot imagine my righteous heart pounding in approval at Ron Rivera’s statements! I have been bitching about this sad state of affairs in our stadium for YEARS. Now, I know that we’re a relatively young team, and many of the fans who bought the PSL’s were fans of MUCH older, established franchises. And many of those PSL owners are fickle fans of the frontrunners, not die-hards like PantherFanz. So, when we suck, they are bailing, and to be honest, after last years abortion, I don’t blame ‘em. But we are now playing in our SEVENTEENTH SEASON, and with a bright new start! It’s time to get with the home team! Lauren is a good example of the first-generation fan that really didn’t know much of anything else BUT the Panthers. She’s now in her twenties. Many of those young football fans that are her age around here are not likely to be buying tickets. But when Lauren graduates nursing school, and her other professional peers begin their own self-sufficient lives – they are going to be the ones acquiring the seat licenses, either through inheritance, or the good fortune of a high salary. And that notion got me thinking –

For all the talk of football being a team sport, for most fans, it’s a STAR-driven sport. In the past, how many fans allied themselves with a team because of a particular player? Folks in Annapolis may have dedicated themselves to the Cowboys because of the Navy quarterback that won a pair of Super Bowls. Folks in Louisiana may have fallen in love with the Squeelers because of Terry Bradshaw. An Alabama alumni may have tattooed the Raiders emblem on his chest because of Ken Stabler, OR Broadway Joe. And in these cities with the well –established fan following, how much of the fans of the other teams have we seen in the stands in the occasional TV shot? In Pissburgh? Green Bay? Oakland? Dallas? Warshingtoon? New Englandgland? And for that matter, how many people who wouldn't ordinarily be NBA fans watched because of one Michael Jordan? See where I’m going with this?

Folks across the nation may have become fanatics over a team for whatever reason, but for the most part, it’s because of a superstar athlete. For the very first time, The Panthers have such a superstar, with profound respect due to Steve Smith and our other Pro Bowl players. But Cam Newton has that rarefied quality that will sell everything from UnderArmour to ice cream. ESPN and all of the sports networks will now be falling all over themselves to get him on prime time games now. If we’re lucky enough to keep him for ten years or more, here’s what happens-

Those fickle fans who have sold their tickets will be coming back on to the bandwagon like they’d never left. The kids raised on the Panthers, like Lauren, will be the ones with the season tickets. And across the country, kids staying up with Dad and big brother to watch the Panthers for Sunday and Monday night football will become Panther Fans for life, and they will be reading the Cedar Street Seer’s weekly rantz and buying the jerseys, and THEY will be going to their home stadium in Kansas Shitty or even PISSBURGH to see THEIR PANTHERS play! And with their three Lombardi Trophies proudly displayed in the stadium office, The Carolina Panthers supplant the old fan bases that lived and died with the Squeelers, the Packers, the Cowbabies, and ESPECIALLY the DeadSkins. I’m looking at the rest of the schedule – we will see the genesis of this long, but certain process THIS SEASON. Who’s coming to see the 1-6 Vikings this Sunday? The Titans? The Duckies? The Sucky-neers? We need to start filling the stadium – NOW. And prepare for next year.

Because –

Monday Night football will be coming. Twice, I’ll predict. Sunday Night with Al Michaels and that insufferable blowhard Chris Collinsworth will want some Cam too, I’ll guarantee. After the absolute garbage we’ve had to withstand this year with primetime games, it will be refreshing to see a game with an exciting offensive attack led by one of the brightest young stars in the league. Even the arrival of the much hyped Andrew Luck won’t dampen the anticipation of seeing that super sophomore sling the biscuit to Steve Smith or anyone else lucky enough to be wearing a Carolina Panthers uniform. And –

The best part of all will be the gnashing of teeth of those Packer, Squeeler, Cowboy and Deadskins fans DYING to get into the stadium when their team comes to town, and they’ll be nary a ticket to be found.

The only ones holding the tickets will be Panther Fans. And Coach Rivera’s lament will be long forgotten as the cheers in the stadium drown out the roar of the overhead jet flyover when the PA announcer introduces

AT QUARTER BACK –

FROM AUBURN –

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM –

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTON!!!!

I’ve got cold chills thinkin’ about it.

I had to rant on it, Fanz.

I have a quite different rant to rite about tomorrow –

Stay tuned –

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O CAM-A-DA!

2011-10-24T17:06:00.002-04:00

“When is the Canadian game?” Lauren asked me before the season started – “that’s the game I want to go to!” - she implored of her dad. Of course I had already insisted that Ms. Crazy attend that game with yours truly. “Well, at least I get to go out with y’all on Saturday night!” she replied. To Lauren’s credit, for one evening at Howl at The Moon, she took over her dad’s customary role as party catalyst, and did her mom and I proud. And she paid for it with a massive hangover to carry along with her baggage the following morning for a flight to Vegas, by the way. Her elevated passion and interest in the annual arrival of our fan base from the Northern Latitudes got me contemplating on the profound devotion of two geographically disparate groups to one event –

The PantherFanz pre-game party and the game that follows it.

And now, it seems to have become much more than just a round or two of golf and mere attendance. From what started as an inquiry of Peter Iverson to Marc looking for a pair of tickets, the Annual Canadian Invasion has become a bona-fide calendar-circling occasion not to be missed! Now, with Peter and co. completing their last round of golf (which unfortunately I had to miss – I’ve done something screwy with my left arm giving HEAVY CLAW in our section yesterday) as I ‘m writing this, they have completed their TENTH year of coming to the Carolinas for a golf and Panther game experience. I know that many of you share my anticipation of this yearly event, and my disappointment when the fellas have to return to the soon-to-be-frozen tundra, but this rant, after all, is football-party-centric.

We had a game to watch, and tailgating to perform! I can’t recall when we had MORE AWESOME food and drink on a more beautiful morning for football! Doug’s LobsterBurgers were to DIE for! The chicken was succulent as was the pork, and some fella whooped up the finest clam chowder I’ve ever had. The “Bloody Caesars” concocted by Dave and co. were almost as fast of a buzz delivery system as our “Panther Potion”. Only the Ravens party of last year had a larger 50-50 prize! As far as tailgating parties that I can actually remember, this one had to be one of the tops if you weren’t part of last years lot-busting Ravens Flock – If you were there, you know you had a great time, whether you were a Panther fan or not. I know of at LEAST a sextet of RedSkins fans that got a great buzz. If a secret PFUFA agent was in incognito attendance, making sure that Dano’s PantherFanz operation was keeping in the spirit of the Ultimate Fan’s mandate, he/she would have happily reported back to Candice that Dano’s PantherFanz indeed, were a worthy group. A very FITTING party not only to honour our brothers from the North, but James’ 40th birthday as well.

And there was a game.

As well as I’ve seen the Panthers play so far this year. Tim Hightower got his yards. We expected this. We knew our run defense was suspect. John Beck was marginally better than Wrecks-Grossman. We expected this, too. I also expected the score to be low in the first half, and as the clock closed out on a 9-6 Panthers lead, I could almost feel Marc’s grinning visage through the brilliant blue Carolina afternoon and his pounding on my shoulder exclaiming - “You called it, Cedar Street Seer!” I also expected an offensive outburst in the second half, led by the valiant Cam-a-lots. To the delight of Panther Nation, again, I was correct. One of my favorite moments of any given home game here in Charlotte is near the end, when the PA system starts playing the Neil Diamond standard “Sweet Caroline”. Ok, I’ll admit it’s kind of gay, but I’m a sentimentalist, especially when it comes to my home state and home team. And our Canadian brothers had a picture-perfect afternoon, and a well-played contest to enjoy, and I’m sure they came away from the day feeling every dime they spent on this trip was well worth it!

I’m going to digress, slightly, to remember a sports memory from almost two decades ago. One of the reasons Charlotte was a popular destination for pro basketball fans was the Hornets’ inclusion in the Central division of the Eastern Conference, which would ensure folks would see Michael Jordan in the QC for at least three times a year. As one of the singular talents to have ever handled Naismith’s rock, Jordan was a human highlight reel, as most of you will recall. On one occasion in the early ‘90’s I had happened to be in the recently demolished Coliseum off Tyvola road for a Hornets-Bulls game. Other than a spectacular shot or two, Jordan quietly amassed 30 points or so by the end of the game, collecting a good bit of them from the foul line. And I was amazed at the routine-like fashion by which Jordan performed. In a similar comparison, another singular athletic talent, this one in a Carolina Panthers jersey, other than a scintillating run and a pair of beautiful long passes, one Cam Newton, performed with the same routine-like efficiency displayed by the basketball superstar. For this rookie to have this kind of grasp on a complex, brutal game this early in his career is remarkable. Do you think I’m reaching here, comparing Newton’s star to Jordan’s? Three or four seasons from now, it won’t be. The playing careers of Manning, Brees, Brady, Rivers, Roethlisberger will either be in decline, or over completely. The legions of sports fans that will be following the game will know little of Jordan’s career other than the occasional archival footage, and for that matter, of other fading superstars like Montana, Marino, and Elway, to name a few. The standard bearer of the all-important quarterback position will be Cam Newton, and Charlotte will become a prime-time destination for the National Football League. Just not now. But I saw enough yesterday to keep me convinced of that fact.

Of course, while the weather was perfect, the game was not. I still view this defensive unit with much suspicion and trepidation. If Tim Hightower doesn’t go out with a knee injury in the second half, I think that the FredSkins make it a much closer game. The special teams continue to be unremarkable, although the outcome was not impacted by any return yardage. And those PENALTIES!!! Jaw-gnashing, excruciating, drive killing (or sustaining – for the opponent!) PENALTIES!!! For this to happen in a home game is maddening, and a reflection on the coaching staff. Coach Ron will have to get this cleaned up this week in practice –
While everyone’s feelin’ great about yesterday’s big win, and believe me, we’re entitled to, here’s what’s coming this Sunday –

Adrian Peterson. Remember him? His Mini-Soda Vikings may be languishing at the bottom of the league standings, but they managed to hang 27 points on the Green Bay Packers yesterday, and actually held the lead in the entire first half! He’s still in his prime! While the Pasture of Disasture here at Bank of America Stadium is not the fast track of the Metrodome, I would still anticipate the Vikings’ game plan to involve a heavy dose of AllDay against a defense that STILL hasn’t shown itself capable of stopping the run. This game should be a challenge to Rivera and McDermott. Anybody thinking this is going to be an easy win is suffering from an over-indulgence of Panther Potion.

But ahh, I’m not going to end this rant on a downer! It’s a happy, sunny Monday after a very convincing Panther win. It’s been a long time since we’ve felt this good about our team! Sure, there will be crappy games and crappy losses this season, and I will be rue to write about them, but today is a day to be proud member of Panther Nation, that clearly extends from the Carolinas to the northeastern latitudes of Nova Scotia, to the western mountainous beauty of British Columbia! Exciting professional football is back in our fair city, and I for one, was thrilled to share it with Canada yesterday.

See you Friday with the picks!

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 7

2011-10-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

Happy Saturday, Fanz! It’s the eve of the Annual Canadian Invasion, and I’m sure you all join me in raising a frosty glass in cheer for our comrades from the north! I barely escaped with a winning record last week, but a win’s a win folks. I’ll rub some salve on my clairvoyance gland and get right to work with this week’s slate of games –

CHICAGO vs. TAMPA BAY at WEMBLY STADIUM, LONDON

The players tend to hate this now annual sales pitch to a prospective owner in the British Empire and the rest of the ownership group – but I don’t see it going away anytime soon. Perhaps this could be a good landing spot for the namesake team of the famous British sports car, but ah, I digress – on to the game – Tampa righted themselves last week with a HUGE home win over the Saints, and Da Bears added further humiliation onto the bumbling Vikings. I don’t believe that the Bears defense is back after that thumping of their division rivals. I stand by my “Bears Suck” prediction. Wrong team favoured here – The sightseeing Sucky-neers over the jet-lagged Bears.

WARSHINGTOON @ CAROLINA

Well, at last Mike Shanahan came to his senses and benched Wrecks. But does Beck present a better option? I doubt it. But that defense will present a challenge to the Cam-a-lots initially. If our beleaguered defense can slow the run enough, we can wear them down in the second half, where Cam-a-lot Nation and their Canadian counterparts can cheer the team enough to will them to our second victory of the year. I actually like that Rivera is tinkering with the 3-4, which may baffle the stumbling DeadSkin offense. The Cats are actually favoured by -2 ½ in this one. I’d feel confident to lean to the Panthers in this one.

SAN DIEGO @ NY JETS

Did y’all think last Monday’s tilt between these Jets and Miami was less than brilliant football, and not up to the usual exciting standard of the rivalry? Yeah, so did I. I DEFINITELY don’t think the Jet’s offensive woes were fixed by a contest with the sputtering Dullphins, but that defense is still a formidable machine. San Diego has been getting fat on beating the leagues weakest teams, and now must come East to a defense that is equal to the prodigious Rivers-led Charger offense. Sexy Rexy has been yakking his jaws all week about this game. I’ve learned long ago that a bunch of s**t talking comes up to bite you in the butt. Even with two weeks off for the Bolts, I still think the Jets are at an advantage in this one given the defense and the jet lag for the West Coast team. But there’s the S**t Talking Rule. Only works for Namath, Jets fans. Chargers are favored by -2 in this one. Had Rexy not spewed oral flatulence, I would have told you to take the Jets and the points. I can’t go against the almighty S**T Talking Rule. I’m going with San Diego.

SEATTLE @ CLEVELANDLAND

I’ve been pretty disappointed in the Browns this year, I’m not gonna lie. And also surprised by the fight in the SeaDogs. I’m seeing a closely- fought contest here folks, but some of the biggest impact players in the league have a degree from The University of North Carolina. Colt McCoy to Greg Little. Learn to love it, Browns Fans. It’s the difference in this game as the Carolina alumnus begins to write his story in THIS game. Browns by -3.

HOUSTON @ TENNESSEE

This is a pivotal, critical statement game for the Texans. Already behind these Titans in the standings, this game has become a MUST win if Houston wants to wrest this division from the only team capable of challenging them. The Texans come into this game shorthanded on BOTH defense and offense, and a renewed Hasslebeck has Chris Johnson to hand off to. It may be too much for Houston on the road. Take the home Titans and the -3.

DENVER @ MIAMI

This may be the most scrutinized game in the nation this week. Timmy Terrific makes his very first start for John Foxway’s Broncoids in the state that worships him. You can expect to see plenty of BOTH Gator AND Broncoid Orange in Pro Player tomorrow, but I just DON’T believe in Tebow as an NFL quarterback. I don’t believe in Matt Moore as a NFL quarterback, either. What I think those “lucky” enough to see this epic struggle will see a thoroughly unwatchable game between two bad teams. Miami is favoured by -1, and I’m leaning to the home team to win one of the worst stinkers of the year.

ATLANTA @ DETROIT

Well, you knew it was going to happen. Some upstart team was going to burst the undefeated bubble of the Lions before the TITANIC Thanksgiving matchup with the Packers. And your Cedar Street Seer accurately forecast that last week. I also forecasted a Panther win against these Duckies last week, too.

Well, tomorrow, I’m buying into the Calvin Johnson hype. I, for the first time since I have been writing this blog for PantherFanz, will allow my fingers to hit this name onto this page.

M E G A T R O N.

Damn, I’m such a poser.

The Duckies will not stop this singular receiver. Atlanta has one of the worst pass defenses in the league, and Detroit has one of the BEST passing attacks in the league. Of course, the Panthers helped the Duckies last week with bone-headed errors, which I don’t see duplicated by the home Lions. Detroit is favored by a paltry -3 ½, but there is NO QUESTION. The LEOS WILL ABSOLUTLEY THUMP THE DUCKIES TOMORROW. Mark it down. Chisel it on the side of your house. Key it in the side of your truck. It will happen.

KANSAS SHITTY @ OAKLAND

The Al Davis Memorial Season continues with another game being held in close national scrutiny. Carson Palmer has recently been acquired by the Raiders, and may start this game, after over a year of inactivity. What hamstrings the Raiders even further is their atomic-legged kicker Janikowski could be out of this game. I think the Silver and Black will rally here against a team that truly, truly, sucks. The line is 4 ½, and I’m confident they cover.

PISSBURGH @ ARID-ZONA

The Squeelers return to the site of their last (for decades, I hope) Super Bowl win to face a decidedly diminished Cardy-noles team. However, Pissburgh is also not the same team they were two seasons ago.
I’m not ready to declare an upset in this game. The Squeelers, regrettably, are the better team here. They’ll win, and they’ll cover. Men Of Squeal by -4.

SAD LOOEY @ DALLAS

If the flawed but exciting Dallas Cowboys DON’T ABSOLUTLEY THUMP the pathetic Lambs AT HOME by TWO TOUCHDOWNS , Jason Garrett should be looking for a very uncomfortable meeting with Lord Jerry in the days to come. Not this week friends. Cowboy Nation is happy tomorrow, and will be rejoicing with the Rangers, too…

GREEN BAY @ MINI-SODA

Christian Ponder gets his first start for the Vikings tomorrow. If you’re a true competitor, you LIVE for an opportunity like this. Just imagine! The rookie from Crimminole U beating the WORLD CHAMPION PACKERS!!! And Crazy Joe and BLu get invited by Peter Jackson to guest star in the new “Hobbit” movie!
And Lauren gets hired by MTV to be the new “Snookie” in “Jersey Shore”! Hey, it could happen!

Not.

Green Bay will lose a game this year. But not tomorrow. Packers by -9.

INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ORLEANS

The “Suck for Luck” campaign gains some traction in the Superdome tomorrow night. Drew Brees’ backup will see some action in the fourth quarter, I guarantee it. Saints by two touches.

BALTY- MOORE @ JACKSONVILLE

Why, oh, why, must we endure another week of crappy prime-time matchups? With a full month before the “flex scheduling” kicks in, we’ve got to wait before we get games worth staying up for. But our friends from the Ravens Flock will be happy. Oh, will they be happy! But I’m sad to see Jack Del Rio go out like this – and further – Jacksonville looks like it will be a franchise on the move. When a city doesn’t support its team, the team leaves. I think the stadium will be half-filled with the Purple and Black for this one. Ravens by -8.

There’s the weekly picks, Fanz! Some of you I’ll see at LaVecchia’s tonight, most of you I’ll see in the lot tomorrow! Enjoy the games, eh!

Last week – 7-6
Season – 52-37

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A SHOUT OUT TO THE WILDMAN'S INSIGHT...

2011-10-18T08:14:00.003-04:00

Good morning, Fanz -

I've finished my morning constitutional with the Charlotte Disturber clenched in my claw-bearing paws, and what do I see on the FRONT PAGE opposite the obvious and deserved attention to Dan Wheldon's tragic wreck at Vegas?

DEFENSE SCHEMING with 3-4 lineups

It was an unlikely scenario envisioned by my wingman from the rural east, the Wildman, after our defense dissovled like Nestle's Quik in the preseason- but it made sense.

Evidentally, Rivera and McDermott were channeling the Wildman, too.

Your normally astute Cedar Street Seer didn't pick up on the three sets debuted on Sunday - (I'll admit to being distratcted by a domestic mess) but I'll be looking for it now.

It would have made PERFECT sense with BEASTON and TD healthy, but now, it seems like a move born of desperation. But at this point, I don't imagine it would hurt to try it more. This weekend's anemic DeadSkins offense would be a great place to start.

That's it, Fanz! I had time to pound out a quick one this morning! Off to my tailgating and season ticket support activity -

KNOWN AS A JOB....

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sigh WE TOOK THE CHEESE, BUT WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....

2011-10-16T21:05:00.002-04:00

God, I HATE the *^@#$&*_$ Duckies –

***sigh***

I really, really do.

I KNEW that Newton would throw a stinker or two this year –

I just didn’t think it was going to be THIS game –

Last week, Coach Ron extolled his linebackers not the “take the cheese” that the Saints were putting out there with their tight end play –

Well, he should have had McDermott say the same thing to our corners and safties. TWICE, we got called for pass interference IN THE ENDZONE with balls that I’m fairly certain that alligator-armed Roddy White had little chance of catching. The result? The two touchdowns that beat us. Not only did we TAKE the cheese, we sprung the trap wire right on our pointed snouts! A maddening state of affairs, but hey, we knew our defense was garbage. We knew if we couldn’t hold Michael Turner in check, we’d have a tough time. And Newton’s three picks didn’t help. For the first time this season, the hole in the offensive line where Jeff Otah should be got exposed. Sorry Bell. You got exposed today. You are getting extra film time this week, bro, cause guess who’s coming to the Litter Box next week? Uh huh, the STOUTEST defense you may face this year. Sucky offense, yes, but the FredSkins will be tough to score on. We are going to HAVE to keep Cam’s jersey clean to have a chance to win.

It was fun fellowshipping with Dano and company today. It really was. Food was outstanding, the weather in the Ortel Sunroom was sublime, and for the most part, the game was entertaining, but I was certain the Duckies were going to do something stupid to give the Panthers their first victory of the season, but it was US who frittered victory away. A far cry from last year’s hopelessness, but DAMN!

I’m already tired of almosts.

I’m already tired of moral victories.

I’m already tired of empty stats good for fantasy numbers only.

When your team’s THIS competitive, THIS close, YOU WANT TO SEE WINS!

I know we should be patient, I know we should be thankful we’ve got the improving team we’ve got and not the miserable bunch Sad Looey or Miami has.

It’s just getting into that frame of mind. It’s just remembering the successes we once had have spoiled us. This game we adore is ultimately cyclical. I’ll admit I’m not there tonight. I’m more disappointed this evening than I have been since the preseason.

Of course, not only does NFL stand for National Football League, it stands for NOT FOR LONG, and EVENTUALLY we’re going to break through. Hell, the Saints LOST today in Tampa! Jacksonville PUSHED the Squeelers! We are beatin’ SOMEONE, and badly.

Could be next week.

Sometimes, you just need the proper equipment to succeed. For years, I plied my craft with a cheap Aztec airbrush. I rarely achieved my vision for any particular piece. I upgraded to a Paache VL, and improved somewhat. But it wasn’t until I upgraded to an Iwata HP-C did I begin to realize the success I had longed for. Adding a Silentaire A20 compressor made it even easier. I have recently added a German Harder-Steenbeck Infinity to my arsenal, and I RARELY DON’T meet or EXCEED my expectations on ANY project. John Fox and that Panther team were between that Paache and the HP-C. Cam Newton could be that German airbrush in that Crazy Joe metaphoric art world. We just have to use the right air pressure, and the right media with it, and have the right hands controlling the whole apparatus, and the Panthers exceed our expectations every time they take the field.

I know I’m right, but it sucks having to write that every week so far.

I’m struggling with my patience with the learning period this evening. And so are the Panthers. They’re professionals. You’d expect them to.

I’d also expect our party this Sunday to exceed our expectations as we entertain our beloved brethren from the Great White North – Let’s get behind our Panthers and implore them NOT only to refuse the cheese, but SHOVE IT DOWN THE DEADSKINS’ THROAT!

I’m cheezed out, y’all. See you soon with the picks.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 6

2011-10-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday to you all! Week 6 is upon us, and there’s all kinds of exciting showdowns leaguewide!
I’m happy to continue on my winning streak, and my clairvoyance gland is pumping pure Nej-osterone into the system to get you another slate of perfectly visioned picks – Let’s get started –

SAD LOOEY @ GREEN BAY

We begin the day with a pair of mis-matches. This is the fattest line of the day, and a major job of coaching, yes, coaching for both squads. The Packers, as you know, are undefeated. The Lambs, winless. And looking like crap doing so. Steve Spagunolo has just GOT to make his team BELIEVE they can hang with the Packers, and Mike McCarthy has just GOT to make his Packers believe they can get beat by the Lambs. I think he’ll find a way. Reluctantly, I tell you to take the Packers and the -15. It’s a huge line though…

JACKSONVILLE @ PISSBURGH

Here’s another mis-match on paper. This is where the schedule gets kind to a hurting, bumbling Squeelers team. The Jaggy-Whyers look for all the world to me like a team that’s already mailing it in.
Think Blaine Gabbert isn’t a little intimidated at facing even a diminished Pissburgh defense IN Pissburgh? This is the kind of game the Squeelers are SUPPOSED to win. And Mendenhall is back to tote the biscuit. Also reluctantly, I tell you to take that fat line of -12 for the Men Of Squeel.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ WARSHINGTOON

Incredibly, the Iggles are in desperation mode this early in the season. At 1-4, and WAY behind the division leader, they MUST find a way to overcome the FredSkins AT FedEx Field. They’ve GOT the offense, they are just mistake-ridden. That’s coaching, y’all. It’s also obvious that the Warshingtoon defense is carrying this team. This is going to be a tight, hard fought game decided by field goals and turnovers. Common sense would tell anyone the Skins are gonna win this one. The Force tells me otherwise. Take the Fleeguls and the -1 ½. Clairvoyance is a powerful ally.

SAN FRANCISCO @ DETROIT

True to my vision, the Leos are taking this season as I had predicted. This game will be the biggest challenge of the year to the Lions so far. To most casual observers of the league, Detroit has been a big surprise, but not to those who follow the NFL closely. What HAS been a big surprise to MOST of us not living in the Northern CA area is that the Niners are playing so well. They’ll continue this play as they visit Ford Field this Sunday. Detroit is favored by 4 ½, but I’m thinking the Niners give ‘em a better fight than this. Their steadily improving defense will help keep this a low scoring game, as Gore and co. keep this on the ground. Wouldn’t surprise me to see ‘em win the game, but at least I think they cover. Take the Niners and the +4 ½.

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA

Sucky passing defense, meet the dazzling Carolina offense. Sucky run defense, meet Michael Turner. This is a game that I think favours the Panthers, although I think our desperately thin linebacking corps are going to have a tough time with Tony Gonzales. If our ends can fluster Matty-Melting-Ice enough, it may not matter. Won’t be a blowout, (damnit!) but this is a game I think the ‘Cats can WIN. Wrong team favoured here – Carolina STRAIGHT UP!

INDIANAPOLIS @ CINCINNATI

Well, look who’s 3-2 going into Week 6! Wouldn’t have believed it, but if you do it with defense, it’s plausible. I’m still not sold on their offense, and the Colts are still showing some fight. I don’t like this heavy line favoring the Bungles. The Colts will continue to swing their sword, but might not be enough, but I still think they cover. Take the Colts and the +7.

BUFFALO @ NY GIANTS

The GeeeeeMen have some serious dirt on their face from the game they gave away, literally, to the SeaDogs last week. When you turn the ball over like they did, you can lose to anyone. And Buffalo is one of the hottest turnover-creating teams in the league right now. The Giants aren’t running the ball well, and Buffalo is running it GREAT. The Giants are turning the ball over, and the Bills are getting them. I smell an upset. Take the Bills, STRAIGHT UP!

HOUSTON @ BALTY-MOORE

This is the kind of game the Ravens get REALLY up for. The Texans have now lost their defensive cornerstone in Mario Williams, and that will make it tougher when the Quothers have the ball. And not having Andre Johnson to stretch out that vicious Raven defense will hurt, too. I like the Ravens BIG in this game. Ravens to cover the -7 ½.

CLEVELANDLAND @ CRO—no- OAKLAND

I will no longer refer to the Other Bay City by that derisive name this season. I came THIS close to editing my picks on Saturday when I learned that the Grand Raider Al Davis met his eternal reward, but thought standing by my original prediction would be safer. I was worng. And I spelled wrong, worng, too. I’m not as impressed with the Brownies as I thought I’d be so far this season, but the Raiders are playing good football. I think the “Just Win for Al, Baby!” angle will go far with the players , staff and fans this week. The ’85 Bears wouldn’t win here this Sunday. There’s just THAT MUCH of a karmatic maelstrom favoring the home Raiders. Pick any number above 7. Raiders BIG.

DALLAS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

THIS is the game many in the country are salivating over. Many bandwagon Pastry-Rot fans are looking forward to beatin’ the Cowboy’s arse this Sunday, while Cowboy Nation is relishing the opportunity to make a statement to the rest of the NFL fandom. There’s nothing wrong with the Pastry-Rot offense, but Tony Romo leads a pretty potent group, too. I can see a VERY entertaining game scoring into the 30’s for BOTH teams. New Englandgland by -7? POSH! Take the Cowboys and those seven points!

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY

Have we seen the REAL Sucky-neers in ‘Frisco last week? The part of me that’s a Panther Fan sure hopes so, but the part of me that’s proud of my clairvoyance is irritated by it. The Saints have been tough for ANYONE to stop, and they’ll keep rolling here. I know 3 consecutive road games are tough to string together, but I believe the Saints have become that good this season. They’re favoured by a paltry 4 ½, I think they blow Tampa Bay out.

MINI-SODA @ CHICAGO

I have some serious clackage goin’ on for the “Mighty” Bears defense. Tell me, WHERE has Julius Peppers been so far this season? CLACK CLACK CLACK! He’s been virtually NONEXISTANT in the five games he’s played. The Vikings came off the shnide last week as AP began to get his game legs. This is a tough game to call, but made a prediction early this year that the Bears would plummet to 4th place. Time to stand by your vision, Crazy Joe! I think Peterson makes the difference, and Mini-Soda gets the win!

MIAMI @ NY JETS

Why, oh why, did you two have to SUCK SO BAD for this Monday Night Game? Usually, these two make for a terrific night’s viewing. This week? Might be unwatchable as Matt Moore makes his debut as a starter for the flopping Fish from F L A. I think the Jets’ defense makes the difference in this contest. Take the J*E*T*S and the -7.

There you go, fanz – place your bets with confidence, and libate your favorite seer with a premium beverage when you see him again, just for gratitude!

See you with the rant on Sunday Night!

Last week – 8-5 (even though San Diego beat Denver, I WRONGLY predicted the manner in which it was done, and gave myself and “L” for it!)
Season – 45-31

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SO - WHAT THE HELL'S A "DUCKIE???"

2011-10-13T19:40:00.004-04:00

Greetings, Fanz!

It's been a while since I was STOKED about a Panthers-Duckies game! And hearing pro handicapper Greg Roberts pick the Panthers STRAIGHT UP to "win the game" has got me even MORE pumped! Since we appear to have legions of new Fanz in the lot, and legions of new readers of the Weekly Rantz, I thought I'd drag out this blast from three years ago, when we were going 12-4.

It feels like EIGHT years ago.

At any rate, here's the rant that explains my cutesy but derisive nickname for this weekend's opponent. Enjoy.

For years, many of you have heard me refer to this weekend’s “Vick-tim”, uh, opponent, as “The Duckies” often with a choice explicative, or many. And these words I’ve spoken with vile disgust many times in the history of not only the Panthers, but as a former super fan of the New Orleans Saints franchise. For The Atlanta Falcons have often been the crabgrass in our fescue, the slug on the pavement, the big pile of dogs**t you step in on your way to the door on your first date with that hot girl you finally got the nerve to ask out. The skip in your favorite CD.

The motherf**kin’, piece o’ s**t, rotten donkey ball eatin’ DUCKIES.

So, Crazy Joe, you ask-

Why the Duckies?

It’s a story some of you know, but it’s one I rarely tire of telling.

Let’s go back to 1993-

Jerry Richardson had just been awarded an NFL franchise, and right out of the gate, he hoisted that familiar silver helmet with the cat head on it, and said “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!” Yeah, some of us felt pretty happy on that day- And even as I plopped down 3,500 bucks for MY PSL, I still made regular trips to Atlanta, and sometimes even New Orleans to see my beloved Saints. Lauren was not yet 4 years old at the time, but wanted to come with Daddy to see her first football game. And proud pop that I was, I took that beautiful darling child with me. All through her childhood I took her to at least two games a year which I still do now. She never made a fuss, never cried, was a great sport and loved to cheer even though she was unsure of what she was cheering for. I think she just loved being with Dad in one of his favorite things to do. Our seats in The Georgia Dome were pretty good on that day, and Lauren wanted to meet the cheerleaders, who she identified with, but upon viewing the field, liked the big black “duckie” painted in the middle of the field, and moments later, squealed with joy when she spied the anthropomorphic costumed Falcons mascot trotting along the sidelines. “DADDY I WANNA MEET THE DUCKIE!!” Lauren begged several times during the game. And of course, when I asked Lauren who she wanted to win, she would say “I want the Duckies to win”…

And a name, a cute but insidiously emasculating nickname was born for the most HATED of franchises, even more than the CowPuppies, if you’re a fan of The Carolina Panthers.

Come on now- you know you HATE ‘em! You cannot tell me with a straight face that you HATE, absolutely quiver with rage, at the thought of the Tampa Bay Bucs or New Orleans Saints! While our rivals they are, we’ve managed a good deal of success against THOSE two. The Duckies?

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

A big plop of buzzard doo on our freshly washed and waxed SEL500. Biting into a cockroach that sneaked into our burrito. Dying for a gulp of milk and grabbing the jug not noticing the expiration date was ten days ago…

That’s the Duckies allright…

Of course, I could never get Lauren excited about the Saints, because………….

In 1995 we began that ecstatic first season in Klimpson, and Lauren’s game? That Tropical Storm Jerry - soaked game against The Giants, which we won, 6-3, which had Lauren and I huddled under a poncho munching on waterlogged hotdogs, but she never complained and was looking forward to a post-game trip to Hooters. Sad to say, I had to disappoint her as the rain poured down, flooding much of Greenville’s streets so it was a dangerous proposition. Needless to say, Lauren became not only a Panthers fan, but a big sports fan after that.

And the Duckies, yes, those lousy, awful, heart crushin’ Duckies – were the team we learned to HATE----

Almost as much as DOOK- but that’s for a Tar Heel blog, not a PantherFanZ rantZ….

So now you know-

WHY-

I call The Atlanta FU**LONS –

The Duckies.

This weekend’s opponent.

The team of Christal Chandellier, Warrick Dunn, Alge Crumpler, Keith Brooking, the Jake Killer, Chuck Smith, and worst of all-

VICK.

Up there with the NFC Championship we won, the league championship I won coaching the girl’s basketall team, was CRUSHING the Duckies WITH Vick at QB. My favorite of sports memories.

That’s why it’s ESPECIALLY important for me to see the Panthers win this weekend’s game. It has as much juice for me as any game we will play this year.

BACK TO 2011....

And that's why it's so important to me, year after year. And now, we've got the bona fide cannon to blast these bastards with, much like the Allies had in WW II when we fielded the 90mm tank gun on the M26 Pershing against the once-invincible German Wermacht Tiger Tank. Although Vick no longer plays for them, Matt Ryan gets almost as much brown-nosed ink from the media, which keeps the fires of sport hatred good and stoked for me...

I'm SO looking forward to writing a VICTORIOUS RANT this Sunday!

Keep the faith!

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FACING REALITY

2011-10-11T21:33:00.002-04:00

Your Miss December Pantherfanz needed the box last night, so my rant’s a day late, but I know most of you support Lauren’s continued education as she works towards a career that will afford her own PSL’s.

I, like many of you, drank the Cam-a-lot Kool-Aid as if it were Holy Water. And I will continue to guzzle it, friends! And I encourage all of you to join me in the regular self-induced libation that is Panther Hope, a more intoxicating elixir than our newly created Panther Potion.

But there are some serious realities that have surfaced after the latest disappointing loss. We felt SURE of a victory on Sunday, and with 2 minutes to go in the game, we had a 4 point lead on one of the strongest teams in the league! But then, the stark realization of where we are as a team manifested itself.

We are not a good team.

YET.

Our defense has a huge, gaping hole in it that free agency or waiver wire pickups will not fix this season. Just NOT happening. Remember my pre-season article about changing the recipe? Chef Ron doesn’t have all of the spices in the spice rack to fix HIS kind of cordon-bleu masterpiece. And come to think of it, Chef Ron hasn’t had his own set of knives but just a few months himself. He’s GONNA burn the ratouille once in a while. He’s GONNA have his soufflé fall flat once in a while. But when his kitchen’s fully stocked and staffed, what he makes is gonna be –

SPECTACULAR.

Everyone’s gotta start somewhere. And the great thing about the NFL is that it rarely takes long for a decent organization to go from suck to suck-cess. Hell, it happened to US. And it can happen again. And it WILL happen again. We will surely taste victory again this season. We’ve got the offense in place, we always did. We just had to have the right driver in the seat. And continuing with the food metaphor, I know a crown rib roast with rosemary chutney fromage and pommes du francais with glazed almonds in creamed basil reducto sounds like just the thing to dive into when a drive through for a nice fat Whopper will have to do, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ve got a steady diet of Whoppers this year. The Panthers will continue to pile up the yards. We’re built to do that, and we’ll continue to do that. But the reality is, our defensive shortcomings will hamstring us game after game after game until the 2012 draft. I accept this. We can’t do anything about it. The organization, short of the band-aid of waiver wire additions, can’t do anything about that.

But another reality is, that going to a Panther football game is FUN again! Its’ a BLAST! Come on, did you think we WERE’NT coming back from a ten point deficit, even against the Saints? I didn’t. I KNEW we’d get in the endzone again and again. We didn’t have that hope, certainly not LAST year, and not the year before that. For us, the game is more than wins and losses this season. It’s about watching a hatchling beast crawl out of his egg, and sink his tiny teeth into his first unsuspecting prey, a fat juicy worm perhaps, and then progressing to a croaking frog, then a screaming possum, and then a terrified deer. Before we know it, our full-grown predator will be downing titanic sauropods and bellowing to Serge a warning –

We’ve arrived. Don’t think about messing with me anymore!

The harsh reality is, today is NOT that day. The Saints are a better team than us. The Packers are a better team than us. The Bears have better special teams than us. But they ALL came away from their contest with us thankful to have won. And they know the next game may not end the same. And every team on the remainder of the schedule, INCLUDING the Detroit Lions and Houston Texans, are no longer confident they’re notching a “W” after facing the Cam-a-Lots.

I had purposely waited to write this rant until I fully absorbed the CERTAIN Duckies loss to the Packers Sunday night. I wanted to start pounding my verbal drum, baiting the downtrodden Falcons to accept another ass-kicking from our reborn Panthers. But now I’m not so sure of our certain victory. We certainly have more of a chance than we’ve ever had against them, but the fact that we have mediocre talent in the middle of the defensive line, no depth at linebacker, and a mediocre secondary, makes me think it will be another case of last team with the ball wins. Even THAT didn’t help us last Sunday, but the Cam-a-Lots will soon learn to play two-minute football. Another vicious reality. It’s not this week.

And another reality is, I will tire of writing inflating positives week after week after loss after loss.

But knowing the day of deliverance, the day where the memory of the infamous January home playoff game becomes forgotten forever, is coming. It may come sooner than we think and that makes every effort we make, whether it’s Dano dragging the Joker Smoker and his sound system to the lot, to James coaxing the hulking Panther Party Prowler to Cedar Street, to my pounding of the keyboard, worthwhile. That thought is what keeps me, and I hope all of you, going to the game, filling your seat, coming to the tailgate party, and cheering for your Panthers.

And one of the brightest realities of them all, is that day will be wearing the #1 jersey.

Got a blast from the past coming up for the pre-game rant on Duckies week. Stay tuned.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 5

2011-10-08T09:07:00.002-04:00

Well, Fanz, Week 5 is here, and it’s the first of many bye-reduced schedules. Already there are must-win games, statement games, and games not worthy of our attention, unless we happen to be fans of those unworthy participants. One thing remains constant, and it’s my continued winning record.

Let me demonstrate –

KANSAS SHITTY @ INDIANAPOLIS

Here’s one of those games CBS will send their “D” squad to. This game’s got as much buzz as a can of fossilized yella jackets. The Chefs are coming off of a rare win, and the Colts have actually shown some fight since the tussle with Pissburgh – and here’s something unusual – Indy’s actually FAVOURED - Peyton will be patrolling the sideline as an observer and cheerleader, but I don’t think it will make much of a difference – more of a reminder of how far this once elite squad has fallen. But I got a feelin’ with this game – I think the loyal fans will help motivate the Colts to a rare home win against a team that’s reeling as well. I like the Colts to win at home, and I like the -2 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ MINI-SODA

And, here’s another game that I’m sure Sam Rosen will be calling for Fox. For the Cardy-Noles, this is a must-win if they are going to keep pace with the suddenly surging Niners. They blew it against Seattle on the road, they can’t blow this one. For the Vikings, the season may already be done. Arid-Zona can certainly move the ball – they have the better offensive squad, by far. Wrong team favoured in this game – Take the Cardy-Noles and the +2 ½.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ BUFFALO

As my clairvoyance gland pumps Nej-osterone into my system, the Phillies are continuing to trail in a decisive Game 5 in the NLDS. Should they fail, karma’s malfeasant breath will be breathing on Philthytown. And it may follow the Iggles all the way to Upstate New York. Buffalo’s a bad team to get well on. We’re about to see how the Iggles perform with their wings against the fire – and I’m not confident. Winning breeds confidence, and losing, well –

Wrong team favored here, too. Take the underdog Beels at home and the +2 ½. (Gee, Vegas likes that number this week…)

CrOAKLAND @ HOUSTON

Well, Raiders, you let me down last week. Here’s another bad place to get back on the winning side. Andre’ Johnson may be out, but Arian Foster’s back, and Matt Schaub’s got some other options at receiver. The Texans can’t let this opportunity at home pass – they’re on a mission this year. Take the home team and the -6.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA

I wish I had more time to write in this blog, because this game deserves some pre-game hype. This contest will possibly be the most entertaining of the day if you like unrelenting offense. The Saints offer it in vast quantities. But they’ve got company at the top of the offensive standings in the league – yeah- that’s right –

US.

I suspect that blitzin’ coordinator Gregg Williams may be forced to contain his blitz considering Sir Cam-a-lot has shown himself immune to it. If the Bears couldn’t sack him, do you think this team can? I see scoring play after scoring play for both sides. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the point aggregate approach 80 – this is why you buy the tickets! It will be a beautiful day, and a beautiful day to be a football fan in Charlotte, North Carolina. The Panthers have been a coverin’ machine this year, and I don’t see Sunday being any different – This is a game we’ve got a real shot to win. Take the Panthers and +6 ½. And somehow, I’m sensing a Shockey edge…. Just sayin’….

CINCINNATI @ JACKSONVILLE

I have this feeling there will be caravans of sun-seeking WhoDeys making the trip southward to a cavernous Jacksonville Stadium to see their defensively stout Bungles best a rapidly fading Jaggy-whyers team. The Cincinnati “D” has actually been in the upper tier of defensive stats this season so far. I expect it to continue. All they have to do is stop MJD, and the job’s done in a LOW scoring contest. Once again, wrong team is favoured here. This Sunday will be the Day of the Dog, I’m tellin’ you. Take the Bungles and the WHOOOOOOOOO DEYYYYYYYYYYYYY 2 ½. Damn, there’s that number again….

TENNESSEE @ PISSBURGH

This game is starting to stink to me. Do you know who number #3 among starting QB’S in the league is this year? I’ll give you a hint – It’s not the big dude with “BERGER” in his name – I’ll give you another hint – it’s a BALD dude with “BECK” in his name. I still think that the Titans are bound to fade this year, but this Squeeler team just looks bad. Without some stalwarts in the defense this week, particularly James Harrison, they are giving up yards in amounts previously unthinkable. They are riddled with injuries, and both lines are a mess. The Pissburgh turnover-creating machine is no more. Meanwhile, Matt Hasslebeck is looking like a player in his prime and is leading this bunch of overachievers as best as he can…. Still….This is the Squeelers, and they’re at home. If they lose this game, you can regard the loss as a bellwether for the season, and it won’t be good – I’d love to see ‘em lose, but I’m leanin’ to the Squeel boys and the -3, which for this contest, is ridiculously small…

SEATTLE @ NY GIANTS

The fattest spread of the week goes to the resurgent GeeeeeeeeeeeeeMen – who entertain one of the worst teams in the league – This is the game you HAVE to win if you are going to keep pace with the Deadskins - Don’t look past these guys, G’ints – I’m confident they cover the -10.

TAMPA BAY @ SAN FRANCISO

Don’t look now, but here’s a game of division leaders that would have been a “meh” game last season. It’s a shame the networks in the Charlotte area will carry the NE-NY game late instead of this one. I was far more impressed with the Niner’s performance than I was with the snoozer Tampa displayed last Monday night. Jim Harbaugh kept the team in OH to prevent jet lag – Seems he was onto something -San Francisco needs to feed the Sucky-neers a heavy dose of Frank Gore and the run game. If Alex Smith doesn’t have to win the game, the Niners win. RIGHT team favoured – Niners by -3.

NY JETS @ NEW ENGLANDGLAND

Bad day to be the Jets. Don’t think Dr. Cheatin’Chek remembers the ass-kickin his Pastry-Rots got last year? The Jet’s offense is horrible, and the weak New Englandgland defense will get well on this one. If Brady can turn enough dink and doink plays into first downs, he gasses the only real threat the Jets possess, and by the fourth quarter, the points begin to pile up. For Brady’s bunch.

SAN DIEGO @ DENVER

If John Fox even considers responding to the chants for Tim Tebow in this Sunday afternoon contest, he will architect his own doom in the Mile High City. Don’t count on it. You’ll see Brady Quinn take the field before Tebow could sniff it. Won’t matter. The Chargers have far more bullets in the arsenal than do the Broncoids. It will be a laugher for San Diego over a team that’s already going to pieces.

GREEN BAY @ ATLANTA

Remember me talking about the tormentor of my youth in this week’s rant? Brother Serge took delight in kickin’ me and my younger brother’s ass. Duckies –

Prepare to be more delightful for Green Bay.

Remember the flashbacks Rocky Balboa had in the third movie of Mr T’s character beatin’ his head in?

The Duckies have them about the Packers stomping their manhood into the Field Turf at the Indoor Duck Pond.

Oh, they’ll put up a fight – for maybe a quarter or two. The Duckies’ defense is weak this year. Uh oh.

Unstoppable Packers win big.

CHICAGO @ DETROIT

I’m not sure that anyone has really grasped this as of yet – the two primetime games this week feature the only two unbeaten teams in the NFL. Regrettably, it’s not against each other – if Detroit and Green Bay continue to win, it won’t be until Thanksgiving day. For this Hankless Monday Night tilt, I see the Bears at a distinct disadvantage. If they had problems stopping Carolina at home, I can imagine what that Detroit offense is going to do to them at Ford Field. Running Forte alone isn’t going to do the job, and I don’t think Martz has enough of his kind of players to dent that nasty Leos D. The line is -6 for Detroit, and they are going to cover. Bring on Thanksgiving!!!

Ok, Fanz – go with the Seer, and you continue to win. Speaking of winning, you AUTOMATICALLY win when you set foot on the Pantherfanz Tailgating lot and join your football poisoned pals and pump yourself up for the game! I’ll see you there!

Last week- 9-7
Season-37-26

BAD TASTE

2011-10-07T22:12:00.001-04:00

There are folks who LOVE anchovies.

Count me as one of them. Call it an acquired taste, much like cigars, caviar, cognac, raw oysters, certain pungent cheeses, etc.

I will guarantee you this –

Burger King will NEVER sell anchovy burgers.

Baskin Robbins will NEVER market caviar flavored ice cream. Even in Russia.

You will NEVER get an oyster flavored birthday cake at Harris Teeter.

You may wonder where I’m going with this –

If you were hiding under a rock this week, then you didn’t know that Hank Williams Jr. got canned as the opening act for ESPN’s Monday Night Football for a foolishly rendered metaphor concerning a golf summit between the Prez and SOH Boehner. He further inserted his boot in his heavily bearded visage by calling our duly elected executive duo – “The Enemy”. Ok. Hank, you got your message across. You also called Obama and Biden the “Three Stooges”. Did you think one of them was going to reproduce by asexual means such as an amoeba splits itself in two?

Before I go further, let me say that I am a big fan of Hank Jr.’s music. I’ve seen him in concert THREE times and had a blast each time. As I’ve become a rowdy dude that’s settled down, I don’t tend to turn him on as often, but when I do, I’m sure to have a good time listening. I also believe, without a doubt, that Hank had EVERY constitutional right to say what he did. You go, Hank. Speak your mind. Say whatever you want about our president. We’ve been afflicted with maddening political correctness for way too long, and I believe that it’s way past time for EVERYONE to just chill out and thicken our damn skins. I’m also in FULL agreement with ESPN in releasing Bocephus from his bit role for Monday Night. Why?

Because what Hank said, ON AIR on Wednesday was in very, VERY, bad taste.

See where I’m goin’ with this?

No one wants an anchovy burger. No one wants oyster flavored birthday cake. No one wants to guzzle fish flavored soda.

While not making a direct comparison to Adolph Hitler, Bocephus STILL managed to make a statement that made people scratch their heads, and of course, in this wired world, went totally viral in moments. At a time when government should be finding common ground and working together, this man is contributing to the rancid bi-partisanship. Unfortunately, I know quite a few people who agree with Hank, and SOME would be more than happy to empty a 30-round clip into our POTUS and his veep.

That is sad, friends.

An attempt to be maliciously humorous backfired on Hank, and badly.

It’s all about marketing, folks. ESPN, who’s writing the check, is in full right to discontinue his services, if their opening act makes people think of Hitler and Obama chasing birdies. I, for one, don’t tune into sporting events for whoever sings the opening music for the broadcast. So, whether it’s Hank Jr., Justin Bieber, Hairy Beaver, whatever, I’m not interested in who’s doing the opening. I’m interested in the game. Political viewpoints add a noxious taste to wholesome pursuits as sports fandom, meant to be a much-needed respite from the real world.

This isn’t about free speech, folks. Hank’s rights have NOT been infringed on.

It’s about insistence on not selling limburger scented candles…

That’s my view on the story.

And I am SOOOOOO jonesin’ some anchovies on some Saltines….

Back soon with the picks….

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THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - Q1

2011-10-06T08:26:00.001-04:00

Good Wednesday to you, Fanz! It’s time for the first quarterly report of this MOST exciting and surprising 2011 NFL season. Can you believe we’ve finished Week 4 already? It feels like preseason just finished! Some things I predicted back in August are holding to form, and there’s some surprises. Here’s my feelings about the state of the league, conference by conference, record by record.

AFC 3-1 – BUFFALO, NEW ENGLANDLAND, BALTY-MOORE, HOUSTON, TENNESSEE, SAN DIEGO

Of these six, I am certain that ONE of these teams miss the playoffs, and perhaps two. New Englandland’s defense will be it’s albatross for the season, but its All-Pro offense will certainly score enough points to offset it in most of their games. And they get a revenge game against the Bills to close the season – AT HOME. The loss at Cincinnati really hurt the Bills. If you are going to challenge for a division title, you MUST beat the lesser teams. Last Sunday was a lost opportunity. I have this feeling that opportunity will grow wings on the Bills a few more times. I’m surprised at the tenacity and ferociousness of the Raven’s defense – I had felt they had gotten old during the offseason, but that “honor” now belongs to their new non-rivals, the Squeelers. Since the demise of Indianapolis, it’s a no-brainer that the Texans would have the opportunity to seize the division – and they’re doin’ a great job so far. Good news- Arian Foster doesn’t seem to be the worse for wear – Bad News – Andre Johnson’s hamstring. They will need their dynamic receiver for the stretch run. I still think that Houston has little resistance to not only securing their first playoff spot, but their FIRST division title! Tennessee’s 3-1 record is a mirage. Count on it. San Diego should have little problem with their division as well, other than two games with the Raiders.

AFC SISTER KISSERS 2-2- NEW YORK JETS, CINCINNATI, CLEVELANDLAND, PISSBURGH, OAKLAND

Of this group, I could only see the Browns and Raiders making any serious playoff movement. If the Jets’ offense doesn’t find it’s bearing, they will find themselves staring at a sub .500 season. So far, QB Sanchez and the offense has been terrible, but the defense has been carrying this team. The Bungles’ defense has also carried their team. .500 is as good as they could aspire to. If the Browns can put a string of good games together, they could challenge for a wild card. They DO have the talent. The Squeelers HAVE gotten old. Their play so far this season illustrates this to perfection. The line play has been deplorable, and I guarantee they will get Worthlessberger hurt worse than he is now. They could conceivably be looking at a high draft pick next year. The Raiders have been impressive on both sides of the ball. I DO see them in contention for most of this season.

AFC 1-3 – UH-OH- JACKSONVILLE, DENVER, KANSAS SHITTY
These three have little hope for a winning season. Jacksonville is lacking talent on both sides of the ball, and is starting a struggling rookie QB. I fully expect this to be Jack Del Rio’s last season as a head coach. John Fox is looking down the barrel of a full-blown QB controversy of his own. What I don’t understand is why Broncoid Nation feels Timmy Terrific would be a savior at the all-important position! Folks, he’s as bad as Jimmy Claussen! And what will suck for Foxy is his boss, John Elway, will probably push him hard to sit Orton down for him! Simply amazing. It will take at least two seasons for Fox to get his “guys” on the team before they start challenging the division. The Chefs are simply out of talent, and luck. They just MIGHT finish high enough to miss the first overall pick in the draft.

AFC ANDREW LUCK SWEEPSTAKES- WINLESS- MIAMI, INDIANAPOLIS

Of these two, I think Miami is the more woebound franchise. If Matt Moore couldn’t carry the Panthers in a full season, I SURE don’t think he can do it on a team with less talent. There’s enough talent in Indy to be competitive, and I think they will avoid the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. I’ve been impressed with Curtis Painter so far, and I think Indy’s female population will be sure to swoon all over this fair-maned fella.

So far, with the exception of the Jets, Squeelers and Ravens, my season predictions are holding to form.

NFC UNBEATENS- GREEN BAY, DETROIT

Ohhhh, how fun this Norris Division is going to be! These two teams have been greatly entertaining to watch – especially the NEW Cardiac Kitties! How, game after game, the Leos are able to crawl out of a seemingly insurmountable hole is a testament to the belief the players have in one another, and the coaching staff. Circle THESE two dates – November 24th, Thanksgiving Day – these two tee it up against each other for the first time, and for the final time to close the regular season an January 1st! What a way to start the new year! I don’t see any reason why these two games wouldn’t be for serious playoff positioning!

NFC KEEPING PACE 3-1- WARSHINGTOON, NEW YORK, TAMPA BAY, NEW ORLEANS, SAN FRANCISCO

You could make a serious argument for all but one of this quintet making the playoffs – The G’ints have been keeping it together even with multiple injury issues, and Brotha Manning has been quite poised. The Saints have been as strong as they’ve ever been – stronger than I’d forecast. I thought the Suckaneers would be performing better than they have statistically, but 3-1 is still a great start. Jim Harbaugh’s Niners are doin’ it with grit and heart – in THIS weak division, it’s definitely plausible for them to take early control of this division. I’m sorry, Skins fans. NO TEAM with Wrecks-Grossman as your starter is going to go far. I’ll admit the defense is playing very well. It will likely keep them from the bottom of the standings.

NFC SISTER KISSERS 2-2- DALLAS, CHICAGO, ATLANTA

Despite absolutely BLOWING a sure-win game last week at home, I still believe the Cowboys have enough talent, drive, and coaching to have a say about what happens in their division. I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I’m going to defend Tony Romo. He’s starting to grow up quite significantly, and he’s shown the kind of heart that’s going to win not only games, but championships. Just not this year. They’ve got a few pieces they are going to need to return to the NFL’s upper suites, notably – CENTER!!!
The Bears should be 1-3, for real. Carolina gashed that “vaunted” Peppers-Urlacher led defense for 550 yards! If Forte doesn’t run for 200 yards on a bad defense, they lose that game. Chicago will be lucky to get to .500 this season. There’s no real talent on that offense, and I just indicted that overrated defense. Remember when Jake Delhomme got shell-shocked by the Cardynoles in January ’09? Yeah, I’m trying to forget it too, But the Panthers were never the same after that game. I think the same thing may have happened to the Duckies after their absolute disintegration against the Packers in the Georgia Indoor Duck Pond. They don’t come close to resembling the juggernaut they were last year ESPECIALLY on defense, which I will admit brings me great joy. Now that Carolina has found teeth and claws in its offense, the NFC South will be a gauntlet the Duckies may not survive.

NFC UH-OH – 1-3- PHILTHYDELPHIA, CAROLINA, SEATTLE, ARID-ZONA

Almost as much as the media is slathering all over Detroit and Green Bay, the Iggles are taking some serious heat nationally for their underwhelming performance, and Michael Vick is showing why he’ll never be the leader other quarterbacks are. As gloomy as 1-3 looks in Philthytown, 1-3 looks comparatively nova-bright in Carolina! Cam Newton has been so much more than ANYONE had ever thought he would – AND getting the attention of the whole country! This team, without question, is going prime time next year! This new offense has been piling up yards for the ‘Cats in record numbers, and injury notwithstanding, I see no reason why it wouldn’t continue throughout the season. The only thing keeping the Panthers from .500 or better is that wretched run defense. They’ll load up in the draft next year, and then the rest of the division will have to take notice. Seattle is a train wreck, but I think the Cardy-noles will come around enough to challenge the Niners.

NFC ANDREW LUCK SWEEPSTAKES- WINLESS- MINI-SODA, SAD LOUIS

How a team with Adrian Peterson can be 0-4 mystifies me. Can it be coaching? The defense? McSnabb? All of it and more? It’s time to give Christian Ponder the keys, because looking up even the Bear’s ass tells me the season could be close to over. The botched Brett Favre experiment has yielded the bitterest fruit for this franchise. It will take a player like Luck to re-energize this team, much like Newton’s done for the Panthers. I’m also mystified by the Lambs. They had it goin’ on last season, which led me to think that with another season, Sam Bradford would materialize into a top tier QB, with Steven Jackson carrying the mail – Injuries and underachieving performances have put Sad Looey into a hole I don’t think they’ll be able to get out of.

This is the conference I’ve missed BIG with – I was certain that Philthydelphia and Sad Looey would be stronger than they are, but I was laser-precise with Green Bay, Detroit, and Carolina. The Bears still have time to suck more, as do the DeadSkins.

There’s my quarterly report, Fanz! Stay tuned. I feel a pre-game rant coming up, along with the Week 5 picks, sure to be up before Saturday Night. Thanks so much for following your PantherFanz Rantz!

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GROWING PAINS

2011-10-02T23:26:00.003-04:00

My sister-in-law of 30+ years used to say in breathless tones, with sparkles in her eyes –

“It’s all about Serge….It’s ALWAYS about Serge…Isn’t he wonderful???”

I was glad that my older brother had such hero worship from his pretty wife, but DAMN, for years he TORMENTED ME! He was always the better athlete, always got the pretty girls, and always got the attention, either good or bad. He was everything I wanted to be, athletic, good looking, witty, cool, you name it. And for most of my young years he bullied me and had me do his bidding, because, well, he could always kick my ass, and I was a defenseless little twerp. When I took a shine to Janis Rosen back in the summer of ’72, I had almost zero experience with girls, and Serge, right in front of me on the steps of that humble row home on Elbridge Street, cavalierly pulled Janis to his lips to show me how it was done.

I’ll never forget Janis’ response –

It was as if Fonzie himself gave her a smooch.

I tried to duplicate Serge’s suave labial exercise, but didn’t come close. For the next two years, I continued to look up to my older brother, and to his credit, taught me a lot of cool things, mischievous things, and let me play sports with him and his friends, but still, he was my commander until one afternoon in ’74 when he finally pissed me off so bad, I got him on the ground after a scuffle. By that time, I was “Little Joey” no more. I had finally reached my adult height, and thanks to a job that required me to sling heavy supplies around, became quite strong for my age. After ’74, I never lost a fight in school again.

Serge bothered me no more after that day, and we became road warriors, often competing with each other for the same girls, and having a blast doing it. He regarded me an equal from then on.

I thought of this today, as I watched the “Little Kitties” keep pace with the Bears as the offense went effortlessly up and down Soldier Field. I watched with delight as Jeff Otah, play after play, stood up Julius Peppers, who, for not a hand on a field goal attempt, was pretty non-existent. I’m unsure if he even made a tackle! Yes, Cam made a mistake or two, most glaringly, a pick-six from a ball thrown too high, too close to the end zone. We’re expecting this. The defense was POROUS against the run. Again, we expected this. What many in the Illinois expected, was an ass-kickin’ supplied by the Monsters of the Midway.

What actually happened was a game that was dominated statistically by the Panthers, who AMASSED OVER 550 YARDS OF OFFENSE! I don’t think Cam Newton’s jersey was even soiled! Hell, I don’t think the Bear’s defense even got close to him! At one point in the first half we were down a whopping 14 points. In the past, even in the John Fox years, that usually meant an ass kicking. But today, I NEVER thought for a moment that we couldn't come back from that, and sure enough, in the third quarter we cut that lead all the way to ONE STINKIN' POINT!!! Yet, for the ease in which “little brother” Panthers moved the ball, the “big brother” Serge, uh, Bears, had something they did infinitely better than we did. One, they ran the ball down our throats. We absolutely COULD NOT STOP Matt Forte. Two, they had electrifying special teams that we could not stop. We simply couldn’t kiss Janis Rosen as well as the Bears could.

But back in 73’, one year and four girlfriends after Janis, I got the same breathless response from pretty little Lisa Robinson, and it took off from there. It sucked to see Serge show me how much better he was, and it sucked to see the Bears beat us in those phases of the game. We are THE YOUNGEST TEAM IN THE NFL, y’all. We are just now getting our legs. The mistakes we’re making, the things Cam and Coach Ronnie and his staff are learning, all add up to growing pains for this young, exciting team. When you get tired of getting a bloody nose, you learn to hit hard enough to make the bullies leave you alone, at least respect you. And I think these Panthers are on the way. This collection of youngsters and some veterans is going to start jelling, and jelling well after the Week 9 bye. We’re going to start kissing WAY prettier girls than Janis Rosen…

Now, I’m not the kind of whiner who blames a loss on referees. I’m sure there are going to be legions of fans that are going to bitch, whine and moan about the call Jeremy Shockey received early in the fourth quarter, taking the winning touchdown off the board. Was it ticky-tack? You damn right it was. But you have to “keep swinging your sword” as Foxy used to say. You have to STOP somebody. Even if you’ve amassed 500+ yards, your receivers other than Steve Smith have to CATCH THE DAMN BALL –

Do that, and it doesn’t matter what the refs call, to a large degree.

They will learn. It’s part of the growing experience. It’s a rookie head coach, a rookie QB, and new players learning each other. And instead of stumbling, we will run like cheetahs. And it will start materializing THIS year. SOMEBODY, SOME TEAM, is going to get whooped by us when they are so certain it’s THEM that administer the gluteal discomfort. And after our next draft, we will be start becoming FORMIDABLE. I see it.

I feel it with everything in my body.

Here’s the ONE thing that I REALLY like after today’s game. Bus Master James, attending the viewing at BLu’s house, starts checking his Twitter account, to hear reports of an angry, surly, majorly disappointed locker room. GOOD! Let them resolve to make this the LAST bloody nose they get! We ALL were disappointed with the outcome, but DAMN, we were actually FUN to watch today! The outcome of the game was in doubt right up to the final minute, and I’m sure every game we play this year will be the same. I guarantee you, there’s not a team on our schedule that thinks the Panthers are an automatic “W” anymore. And I guarantee you, there’s not a team on our schedule that are we are not capable of beating. Not anymore.

Who knows, perhaps the Saints are the “big boy” team that gets put on the ground by “Little Joey” next week.

But for now, we live with the fact that Serge once again bested us. But we are sooooooooooo kicking his ass one day, and soon….

(for the record, let it be known that in 1996, for the opener against the HATED DUCKIES, Serge and I invented ------

You got it -------

THE CLAW..............................................)

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 4

2011-10-01T23:09:00.003-04:00

I’m wore out, both physically and mentally from this bonzai up to Philadelphia for my grandmother’s funeral. But I’m back home early enough to sneak the quick picks in before midnight. I’m confident I can keep this winning streak going, as I went 9-7 last week. I won’t break these down like I usually do as I don’t have the time or the mental energy to do that, but the Force still flows strongly from my clairvoyance gland -

Here we go fanz, place your bets with confidence –

DETROIT @ DALLAS

Dallas’ offense took a beating from the Deadskins last Monday night, but their defense has definitely improved. Detroit is bringing a potent offense and nasty defense. This is more and more looking like the Leo’s year. Dallas is favored by 1 ½, but I like the Lions to win straight up!

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE

The Jaggy-whyers are a mess. And getting messier. The Saints are getting their legs under them, and I would advise you to take the visiting favorite and the -7.

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILTHYDELPHIA

Whiny Mike Vick says he’ll play. Maybe he’ll get some calls this week. I do think that the Niners keep this close. 8 ½‘s a heavy spread, and I’m thinking San Francisco covers.

WARSHINGTOON @ ST. LOOEY

But for some stupid mistakes made on both sides of the ball by Warshingtoon, they’re 3-0 going into this game at the TransWorld Dome. It may be foolish, because I KNOW the Deadskins are the better team, but like I said the week before, I cannot favor a team that Wrecks-Grossman starts for. I’m picking the Lambs to win. They HAVE to get off the schnide sometime. Tomorrows’ the day.

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELANDLAND

Losing WR Kenny Britt has GOT to hurt the Titans, especially since overpaid Chris Johnson has yet to show up. He likely does the same tomorrow. As I have every game so far this season, I CAUTIOUSLY lean to the Brownies…

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI

If the Bills are for real, this is a game they have to win. The Bungle’s offense isn’t very productive, but their defense is fairly stout. Many pundits are picking the Bungles in a letdown game for Buffalo, but I’m not a pundit. I’m the Cedar Street Seer, and I have faith in the Bills. Take ‘em and the -3 on the road.

MINI-SODA @ KANSAS SHITTY

One of these 0-3 teams is going to win tomorrow. I will choose the team with Adrian Peterson.

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO

The Bears have been vastly underachieving this season so far, with their lone win coming over the dysfunctional Duckies. Their offense isn’t moving the ball that well, and Carolina’s defense hasn’t been nearly as bad as we’d feared. If we can force Cutler into some turnovers, I think the Panthers keep this close. On this day, Julius Peppers meets his match in athletic freakishness in Cam Newton. Panthers to cover the +6 ½.

PISSBURGH @ HOUSTON

The Squeelers looked ordinary against a vastly undermanned but determined Colts team last week. Perhaps they will be more motivated against a team of superior talent. That beat-up Squeeler O-line won’t hold up to the Texan’s blitz. Take the Texans and -4.

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE

The good news for the Duckies is that they will be on the SeaDogs’ fast turf. The bad news- this is a team that STILL doesn’t have its legs yet. The running game hasn’t materialized, and Ryan isn’t playing up to his standard. More good news for the Duckies – the SeaDogs SUCK. I hate to take them and the 4 ½, but I believe Atlanta gets well with this game.

NY GIANTS @ ARID-ZONA

The GEEEEEEEMen were very impressive in their win last week against the Feeguls, as all phases of their offense began working for them. And Manning gets another of his favorite targets back this week in Mario Manningham. The Cardy-noles looked bad against a team they were easily better than. I like the Noo Yawk Football Giants to clobber these guys.

MIAMI @ SAD DIEGO

The Chargers definitely underachieved against the Chefs last week. They won’t make that same mistake this week. Boltz big.

DENVER @ GREEN BAY

There’s nothing the Broncoids have that would be more than a speed bump to the Packers. The beat goes on, and fans in the front row seats will continue to slap on happy Packer jumpers. Packers cover the -12 ½. Easily.

NEW ENGLANDGLAND @ OAKLAND
The Pastry-Rots played an uncharacteristic sloppy game last week, enabling the Bills to take control of the division. Now they have to go to the West Coast to take on a vastly improved Raiders squad. The New England defense has been near the bottom of the league standings this year, and I believe Oakland takes advantage. Hey, the Raiders have been covering for me all year, take the Raaaaaaaaaaaiders to cover the 4 ½.

NY JETS @ BALTY-MOORE

This is a bad night for the Jets to find their offensive legs against a Ravens team that’s been re-energized on both sides of the ball. I think this will be a low scoring game that the Ravens will prevail in. By 3 ½ points.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY

This may be another of those games that will be over before halftime. Take the Bucs and the -10.

Ok, fanz, I’m done. I’m going to let my brain melt into the UNC-ECU match. Enjoy the games tomorrow.

Last week - 11-5
Season - 28-19

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - HANG ON Y'ALL...

2011-09-30T17:51:00.002-04:00

I've had an unexpected death in the family with my Grandma of 99.4 years coming to see The Lord, and I'm in the Philthydelphia area until tomorrow morning.

I'll be late with the picks, but they'll be up tomorrow night. Check in after the Tar Heels game!

DELIGHTFUL DELUGE

2011-09-27T21:25:00.001-04:00

I had mixed feelings going into last Sunday’s game – part of me was wondering if we’d set the bar too high after two stellar performances by our new Newton – the other part was full of Panther Potion and buzzing with the party afterglow and confidence that we’d stomp the Jaggy-whyers into the Pasture of Disasture. I knew Maurice Jones-Drew was going to be a load. I had serious doubts about our defense’s ability to stop him –

What I didn’t expect, not in the least, was a downpour that could have driven any of us to pickup truckloads of gopherwood and download plans for a massive flotation device that could hold our families and two of every animal in the Piedmont. The defense had already surprised, with a safety, and some turnovers. And Cam surprised, too. I knew he’d toss a stinker sometime, I just didn’t expect him to start doin’ it in Game 3. Ok, it wasn’t quite that bad, but I’m tellin’ you, if he sails balls like he did in the first half last Sunday against a REALLY good defense, he’s gettin’ picked. No doubt. So the sky decided to dump a body of water the size of Lake Wylie onto the stadium, and most of the attendees headed for the concourse. Hell, not me, not The Wildman – not most of you, my PantherFanz readers! Football doesn’t stop for rain, snow, sleet or dark of night, and so with the most loyal of fans, we remain in our seats.

And you know what –

It was FUN!!!

Getting drenched in that warm rain, watching the players do their best to maintain their footing and their hold of the ball was a rarefied experience EVERY football fan needs to experience. Never mind that DelRio managed to get Stewie’s drive to the endzone reversed! Yeah, yeah, I know I was abuzz with Panther Potion, but I REALLY didn’t mind the rain – my mind goes back to my courtin’ days – did any of you ever get caught in the rain with your sweetie, and finally sayin’ screw it, let’s enjoy it instead of running for cover? How exciting was it getting a loving smooch in the deluge? Or something better? There’s something fundamentally romantic and enjoyable about the rain. You know, rain grows the corn, and corn makes the whiskey, and … oh whatever.

I’m going to be honest with y’all. Seeing that baseball score at halftime didn’t bother me. Did any of you think for a moment it was game over? I didn’t think so. I KNEW that we had something else for these Jaggywhyers, and sure enough, the defense and the Cam-a-lots did not disappoint, and we go home happy and decidedly damp after our first victory. I knew this – I was RIGHT about MJD. He definitely got his yards. I was SHOCKED at the continued lack of production on the ground. Yes, between Stewie and Deangelo, we notched a benny on the ground, but that ain’t gonna cut it, fanz. I DID make a comment at the end of the lockout two months ago – without the OTA’s and the necessary time required to learn the mechanizations of the coaches’ plan, we really wouldn’t see the REAL NFL teams until Week 8. Perhaps we will see the return of our beloved SteWilliams by then. And oh, what a complement to Sir Cam-a-Lot that will be!

And speaking of Newton, did you really think that he could keep up the pace of the past two weeks?
I think of something I’m pretty good at – I’m known as a fairly decent airbrush virtuoso. I don’t normally turn the air pressure up when I’m doing my best work – I’m usually working at 18PSI or lower – It doesn’t take a blast of power to knock a piece out of the park for me – And on this day, Cam didn’t need to fling the biscuit all over the field – all he needed was to get it close to the promised land. Believe it or not, I think Chudz called this on purpose, given the conditions, the team we were playing, and what the defense was giving us. Folks, I’d rather win 16 games scoring 16 points or less, than losing every week and scoring 30.

In the meantime, let’s all dry off, enjoy the victory, enjoy the growing process, and let’s get fired up about the weekend’s visit to Chi-Town and a humbling of an overrated defensive lineman from North Cacka-lacky…

That’s what I got tonight folks. I’ll be back Sattiday with the picks…

Gotta comment?
Email me –
The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 3

2011-09-24T15:24:00.001-04:00

Well, that feels better, folks. I told you the league would reset itself, and I got considerably closer to my usual excellence, missing five games. I’m feeling even better this week – read on, and place your bets with confidence –
Let’s start with…

SAN FRANCISCO @ CINCINATTI

I’ve got a weird feeling about this game – This is basically the same two teams that played like total CRAP against the Jimmy Claussen Panthers last year. One of them lost. I will encourage you to lean to the Bungles, because A) they’re the ones who won last year at Carolina and B) the Phoney- Niners are the one who LOST to the Claussen Panthers, and historically do badly in East Coast games. I think San Francisco’s the better team, but, begrudgingly, I say take the Bungles and the 2 ½.

NEW ENGLANDLAND @ BUFFALOLAND

Only the Squeeler-Coltz game has a larger spread. Brady’s boys are favored here in Niagraville by a whopping 8 ½ points. Part of me believes its. The sensible part of me believes that the Bills have improved this much that they’ll be able to hang with the AFC’s best team evidenced by the fact that even the crappy Dullphins managed 400 yards of offense on them. I’ve been mostly right about the Bills so far – there’s no doubt that the Pastry-Rots are superior, but this is the NFL, and almost anything can happen – including the Bills’ covering the spread –

HOUSTON @ NEW ORLEANS

This is one of those monster inter-conference games that the Texans will need to win to be REALLY taken seriously this year. No fear Houston, you’ve got two more coming up against the Suckaneers and the Duckies. Not this one. Resurgent Saints by -4. Get Arian Foster back, and we’ll talk.

NY GIANTS @ PHILTYDELPHIA

Two HURTING teams square off in LibertyTown to make an early season charge at the UNDEFEATED Warshingtoon FredSkins. I can’t tell you how weird it is for me to write that. Looks like Mike Vick starts for the Iggles this week, and that could be enough for me to lean to Philthy’s side. The line’s STILL off at this writing. Pick the Iggles. The GEEEEEMen are out of fake injury time outs.

MIAMI @ CLEVELANDLAND

The Browns let me down in the season opener, and I’m not yet over that, especially since I made the early season playoff prediction for them. But this is the DULLFINS, for Pete’s sake! I do agree it would be good for the Phish to take it on the road and get away from their disheartened fans, and cause some heartache to Cleveland’s fans. I don’t think the team’s that good. Begrudgingly again, I tell you to LEAN to the Brownies and the -2 ½ points.

DENVER @ TENNESSEE

This point spread amazes me. A whopping -6 ½ for the Titans? Do they think that Hasslebeck’s that awesome? Orton’s the better QB, but if Chris Johnson gets going, it could be problematic for John Fox’s new defense. Orton needs receivers, especially since Eddie Royal’s on the bench. I still think there’s enough Foxball in Denver to keep it close. Take the Foxballer Broncoids and the +6 ½.

DETROIT @ MINI-SODA

Just like Houston, this is the game the Leos are going to need to win to be REALLY taken seriously by the league and the media. Should be easy. Stop Peterson. Make McSnabb beat you. Don’t turn the ball over, and the Leos blow this one out.

JACKSONVILLE @ CAROLINA

This game scares me, and I’ll tell you why –

Maurice Jones-Drew.
The stud running back is the best that the Panthers have seen so far, and our wretched defense is going to have to stack the box, leaving the rookie quarterback having to pass. Sound familiar? Conversely, the Jagz’ defense is pretty wretched, too. I have a feeling this is going to wind up being a track meet between two confident offenses, although we have the better receivers. Sorry Fanz. I’m likin’ the Jaggy-whyers to keep it close – REAL CLOSE. Cats win, but Jagz cover the 3 ½. The Panthers are a historically crappy home favorite when it comes to the spread.

KANSAS SHITTY @ SAN DIEGO

I have a feeling Indianapolis will win a game before the woebound Chefs do. Pick a number above 14 ½. Boltz win.

NY J*E*T*S @ CrOAKLAND

Here’s another spread that amazes me. The Jets’ offense STILL doesn’t have its legs, and now they’re going west to a resurgent Raiders team? Ghastly if you’re a Jets fan. I like the Raider’s offense to have enough punch to overcome the formidable NY D to cover the 3 ½, and likely even win. Keep it on the ground more than you throw, Hue Jackson, and you’ll do just that.

BALTLY-MOORE @ ST. LOOEY

The Lambs are getting the Ravens at the very worst time. Smarting after their collapse against the Titans, the Lambs are vastly undermanned before the enraged Boyz from Balty-Moore. I like the Ravens BIG over the injury-struck Laaaaaambs.

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY

An early NFC South showdown gets a 4.00 start, and a stadium full of drunk Suckaneer fans gets to cheer their team to victory, and a tie for first in the most contentious and competitive division in the league. The Duckies traditionally are not as effective on REAL grass as they are on their fast track under the dome. I expect them to wilt in the Tampa afternoon sun. Take the Sucky-Neers and the 1 ½.

ARID-ZONA @ SEATTLE

I’ve heard some rumblings that this could be a “trap” game for these Cardy-Noles. If it is, someone take Coach Weisenhut’s Man Card. The Cardy-Noles are a vastly superior team. It should bear itself out in the final score, which will be the Noles covering the -3 ½ points.

GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO

If there was ever a “trap” game for the Packers, it was last week. Don’t think they wouldn’t get geeked up about this one! The Bears looked lackadaisical against the Saints last week – and the Packers are a better team. I like the Pack BIG in this one. Packers, easily, with the 3 ½.

PISSBURGH @ INDIANAPOLIS

A good Sunday night to spend talking to your wife, if you don’t have fantasy players involved in this one. Without Manning, you can’t tell me that this team is already playing out the string. I hate to tell you this, but the Squeelers take this one early. Take ‘em and the -10 ½. I’ll check the score at halftime, and hit the sack. Budget your late night football watching time for Monday Night’s game which is…

WARSHINGTOON @ DALLAS

I’m beginning to grow some serious respect for Tony Romo after last week’s performance at San Francisco, not just because he starts for my Mighty Nimrods – Coming off the bench with not only a broken rib, but a punctured lung, to rally his team for a BIG conference win, has GOT to rally his Cowboys team! I think Coach Garrett’s playing this close to the vest – Jon Kitna will be ready on the bench, but for morale’s sake, I’ll bet that Romo starts in this one. The line’s STILL off on this one, and I have bedrock internal resistance to picking a team that Wrecks Grossman starts for. The juice is poured out in abundance for the Cowboys. Take ‘em to win.

There you go, Fanz! A week 3 to bank on! Some of you I will see in the lot tomorrow –

Last week – 11-5
Season - 17-14

Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

BELIEVE

2011-09-21T09:20:00.003-04:00

I take my tired, coughing, machine-greased self to the keyboard to write my percolating rant after our raucous home opener with some strong opinions about the game, the team, and things related to the team.

These will be some “quick hitters” as this week is proving not to be conducive to an extended verbal effusing.

I believe, first and foremost, now more than last week, that Cam Newton is the REAL DEAL. I believe that he can only get better, and better. I also believe he will have a stinker or two. All the greats have them. But I definitely believe that this young man is the face of our franchise.

I believe that media mavens will take a look at the Nielsens, and schedule the Panthers for at least a pair of 4 o’clock games this season, if Cam Newton continues to perform, and I see no reason why he wouldn’t, barring injury. Perhaps we’ll even see a Sunday Night game. I CERTAINLY believe, without a doubt, that the Panthers go some prime time next season.

I believe that our home games will be as exciting as they were last week. I believe that the bandwagon fans will replace fans of the visiting team as the team continues to improve. I believe that we will once again develop a home field advantage. I believe that Panther fans had more fun last week than they had in ALL of last season, and that INCLUDES the two wins we eeeked out over the juggernauts Arid-zona and the Phoney-Niners.

I believe that the YAZ tour was one of the best invites we’ve had in a long time. I also believe that I’m a dangerous dude with a little bit more Panther Potion than is required. And I also believe that we should administer Panther Potion at every tailgate we can. I also believe that the PantherFanz tailgate IS the pre-game event, every home game. The testimony of the YAZ folks has proved that out. I was honoured to see the PantherFanz logo on top of the inflatable “beacon” on top of their immense RV last Sunday.

And I believe that I caught a punishing but fun buzz last Sunday.

I believe that we had control of the game against the Packers. I also believe that had Steve Smith NOT made that egregious fumble in the third quarter, the outcome of the game is different, and the media froths and foams over this team even more than they are now.

I believe that while bad, tossing a pair of picks to a certain future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson is not something to beat yourself up for. It’s like losing a lightsaber duel to Luke Skywalker.

I believe that we absolutely, positively, have to run the ball more than we have. Cam will be far more effective if our ground game produces more yards. More ground game yards? More wins. I do believe this.

I believe that Thomas Davis, sadly, has played his last down as a Carolina Panther.

I believe that Jon BEASTon WILL be back, and as good as ever.

I believe that the Panther defense will struggle all year, and be the ten-ton wheight chained around the offense.

Subesquently, I believe that NEXT season's draft will be largely defensive. Don't take a Cedar Street Seer to figger THAT out!

I believe that 0-2 for us in the way we got there is not necessarily bad. I also believe that the time for moral victories is past. I believe that NOW is the time for a few wins. And I believe we will get them. Starting this Sunday.

I believe that this conference realignment in the NCAA is bad. It’s about nothing but the money. IF the NCAA REALLY wanted to fill their pockets, they’d go to a playoff to decide the mythical national championship. I really, REALLY, REALLY, believe that.

I believe that I’ve improved in my prognostication in one short week. I believe that I’ll continue to call games correctly for the remainder of the season.

And,

I believe I’ll be back on Saturday for that weekly prognostication.

Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 2

2011-09-15T21:45:00.003-04:00

What a Week 1 that was! Individual and team performances surprised and SHOCKED fans and media mavens nationwide –

Whodathunk that –

-Pissburgh would look as inept, old, and tired as they did against their BITTEREST rival? Not me!

-Donovan McSnabb would look much the same against the Chargers? Not me!

-Buffalo would be a total JUGGERNAUT against the Chefs? I knew they’d win, but NOT by 30+ points!

-That the Leos wouldn’t wilt in the withering Tampa sun -

-Miami would lay down for Tommy Terrific the way they did? Not by 520 yards!

-Wrecks Grossman would come through like he did for the DeadSkins? I wouldn’t have dreamed it!

-The Duckies quacking like suffering waterfowl to an inferior Bears team? I’m glad, but no!

- That Cam Newton would light up the Cardynoles like he did? I was greatly surprised, but not like the national media was!

-AND that not only did YOUR Cedar Street Seer COMPLETELY OVERLOOK handicapping the Vikings-Chargers game, but also went 6 and 9 for his first week?

What I DID correctly foresee WAS –

-Indy totally losing their wheels in Hoostun –

-Buffalo starting strong (but not THAT STRONG!)

-The Panthers keeping things competitive

-The J*E*T*S beating the Cowboys (although I thought it would be worse than 3 points!)

-That the nation would once again see Foxball being played in Denver (but I thought they’d win!)

-The Pastry-Rots overcoming the Dull-Phins.

Amazing stuff, y’all.

I have a feeling the league resets itself this week, but some things that began last week will continue this week – read on faithful NFL fan…

CHICAGO @ NEW ORLEANS

This is where we get to see the Bears for real. But for some botched special teams play, the Saints may have actually WON their match in TitleTown. And perhaps, there’s something to be said about the Duckies on REAL grass- AND – either Brian Urlacher is mega-bummed about his mom passing this week –or mega-motivated – He COULD determine the outcome, but I’m thinking they come back down to earth in the SuperDome. 7’s a LOT of points, but one Drew Brees pass would cover that. Take the Saints.

KANSAS SHITTY @ DETROIT

Well, well, Leos! You didn’t wilt like I thought you would! And you get the closest thing in the NFL to a gimme! If Buffalo whooped the Chefs at home like so much sour cream, can you imagine what a fired-up Lions team will do? This is when the good teams make hay – Wait- does that mean I think that Detroit’s a GOOD team? You damn right I do. Leos BIG, and more than that -8!

JACKSONVILLE @ NY J*E*T*S

The Jaggy-whyers managed to fend off a listless Titans team last week, and the Jet’s defense overcame an ordinary offense to secure a home victory. Jacksonville’s not Dallas, but ordinary’s still ordinary. I don’t think Sanchez and company have their mid-season legs yet, but that defense is good enough to make a serious difference. Do I think it’s 9 ½ points worth? EEEEEEHHHHHH---- I’m sayin’ it’s a pretty good chance. Take the J*E*T*S and the -9 ½.

CrOAKLAND @ BUFFALO

The Raiders’ game last week was sloppy and hard to watch, but there’s no questioning there’s a new energy in the OTHER Bay city. It will carry over to the trip here to Niagraville. The Bills are improving, but so are the Raiders. Look for an evenly played game, more defensive than offensive that will surely come to a field goal. I like the Raiders to cover the +4 points.

ARID-ZONA @ WARSHINGTOON

I know, I know, the Cardy-noles NEVER do well on the East Coast, and I would do well to pick against them, but cripesey-jimminy, it’s WRECKS GROSSMAN!!! I can’t, can’t, CAN’T pick a team that starts Grossman! The Giants were decimated defensively, and the Cardy-noles are actually better from a personnel standpoint. Kolb’s got a chance to at least make folks forget Kurt Warner for another week. Take the Cardy-Dogs and the +4 points.

BALTY-MOORE @ TENNESSEE

Chris Johnson looked like he just woke up last week against the Jags, a team they should have run roughshod over. The Ravens looked BRILLIANT against the Squeelers at home. Defense and running game ALWAYS travel well in this league, and after what I saw last week – I’m afraid I’m going to have to eat my words about an aging Ravens team I wrote two weeks ago. Ravens roll, despite a much improved performance by CJ.

SEATTLE @ PISSBURGH

Now, this game’s a headscratcher. The Squeelers are a -14 POINT favorite at home! I know that Seattle sucks this year, but that’s a slap in the face if you ask me - I GUARANTEE that number’s been posted in the SeaDog’s locker room all week. Don’t think that Pete Carroll hasn’t used that to motivate his vastly inferior team. But, after last week, I’m inclined to think of Pissburgh as more a paper tiger than a returning division champion. I’m going out on a limb – The Squeelers will certainly win, but Carroll will find a way to keep it close. Remember what I told you about the Bills last week? I was right, yes? Take the SeaDogs and the +14 points. Then you’ll be CONVINCED I’m a genius by Monday Morning. There’s something fundamentally WRONG with Pissburgh, and it will be even MORE manifest with this home victory.

GREEN BAY @ CAROLINA
Now, THIS is the game I had anticipated seeing a 14 point spread on, but it’s gone down to +10 for the PuddyCats, and I’d suspect it may move even further by kickoff. The Panthers had something to prove last week, and this week they get a chance to prove it further. I don’t question the fact that the Packers are a superior football team, but OUR Panthers don’t suck NEARLY as bad as we had feared, ESPECIALLY on offense. If Chudz can get the running game going, Capers will have to change his offensive strategy to keep the Panthers from controlling the clock, and the game. I’m anticipating another vastly entertaining shootout at the Stadium the PSL’s built. Cats covered last week, they’ll cover this week. Take the Panthers and the +10. 0-2 never felt so good…

TAMPA BAY @ MINI-SODA

If the Suck-an-ears are a 48 oz. “Big Gulp” than Donovan McSnabb’s one of those weeny little cans of soda you get at the hospital. When a pro athlete loses his edge, it’s fast, and it’s humbling, and I hate to see it happen to a man of Donovan’s caliber. If he struggles in this game, don’t be surprised to see Christian Ponder get his shot. In this game. All Tampa has to do to win is stop Peterson. Wrong team favored, folks. Sucky-neers win this one.

CLEVELAND @ INDIANAPOLIS

Alright, Browns – you’ve got one more week to get this right. The Colts looked simply awful at Houston last week, despite, amazingly enough, Kerry Collins posting an eventual better rating than winning QB Schaub. It’s those turnovers, bro. The Colts will already be playing desperate, don’t YOU do the same! If you are going to make a run, you HAD to start LAST WEEK against a vastly inferior Bungles squad! The run starts now, I’d think. Begrudgingly, I’m tellin’ you to lean to the Browns, FAVORED, on the ROAD and the – 2 ½. Although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Kerry and Co. pull this out, and I’ll not pick the Browns again.
^@#%$&$@_(*teasers....@(!*^@#!*(%

DALLAS @ SAN FRANCISCO

If Tony Romo doesn’t turn the ball over, The Cowboys make the legion of obnoxious fans spend this whole week on sports talk radio annoying the hell out of us with their “WE’RE BACK” garbage. Their offense, despite the miscues, is quite talented, and can hang on the field with virtually any defense, as was proved out last week. The Niners had a decent start against a horrible Seadogs team at home, but the Seadogs, like I said, are pretty bad. Dallas is a much superior team offensively, if they don’t shoot themselves in the arse. Oh, boy, rest of us fans – Get ready – here comes a Cowboys blowout. Stanley from Sacramento will be getting hung up on more than usual next week!

HOUSTON @ MIAMI

Remember what I said about making hay? Time to feed the hosses, Texans – Foster’s comin’ back, and will have not missed a step running against that wretched Dullphins defense. I don’t care if its home in Florida – If the Leos didn’t wilt in Tampa, the Texans certainly WON’T in Miami. Hell, it’s hotter in HOOSTUN than MIAMI – And what’s this GARBAGE with Miami actually FAVORED???!!!! That’s gotta be a misprint – Look for that line to go down. You’d be crazy not to take the Texans and ANY spread…

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLANDLAND

This is when Tommy Terrific comes back down to earth. The Chargers are a more complete team than Miami. It will bear itself out with the way the game’s played. I think Rivers and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs put a lot of pressure on the Pastry-Rots. If Miami managed 400 yards on this defense, I think the ‘Boltz can certainly ring up at least the same. Pats fans, you MAY want to follow Tommy Tee’s advice and start drinkin’! Take the Chargers and the +6 ½.

CINCINATTI @ DENVER

You know it’s bad in Denver if after ONE WEEK, the cries are already loudly clanging for Tim Tebow –
Come on, y’all! Do you think that for ONE SECOND that Foxy would put that overgrown halfback in over Brady Quinn? Give it up. Not happenin. You’re getting Foxball again, which I’m counting on working better against a beat-up Bungles team that eked out a miracle win against the Brownies on the road, than against your most bitter of rivals. I’m doin’ it again, kids. Take Foxball and the -4 ½, and Orton-hears- a-Who is safe for one more week. The legend of Tim Tebow gets a little larger…

PHILTHADELPHIA @ ATLANTA

This game was huge two years ago, but it was Donovan McSnabb dealin’ the pain. This year, it’s Vick’s turn. Don’t think he WON’T be juiced to see all of the red “7” jerseys in the Georgia Dome – he’s full of crap if he denies it – Something looked wretchedly wrong with the Duckies last week against a team they should have THROTTLED! I think we’ll see a team that more closely resembles the track team of last year – HOWEVER – they were exposed by Green Bay in the playoffs, and to this date, don’t look any different – Did you know that the Duckies didn’t win a SINGLE preseason game? May be something to that. The Iggles, on the other hand, played magnificently on the road IN a DOME, despite being outsized on both lines. I’d say that’s terrific coaching by Andy Reid’s staff. The Iggles may be tested early, but it’s Vick and company that overcome. Take Philthy and the -2 ½.

ST. LOOEY at NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS

This is a beat-up Giants team, especially on defense. Good thing for them that the Lambs wound up hemorrhaging off vital parts of their offensive attack, or this might be uglier than I think it’s going to be. The Giants are dinged up offensively, too, but St. Looey plays differently out of that dome. I like the GEEE Men to cover that -4 ½ points at home.

There! All 16 teams picked this week!

See you all in the lot for a great season opening tail gate as we welcome Steve Tate “The Owner” and the YAZ TOUR boys –
Last week – 6 and 9

Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

DAZZLING IN THE DESERT

2011-09-11T22:23:00.002-04:00

Disappointed?

Only distantly, darlings.

Dudes and Dudettes –

This could be one of the most delightful of debuts I’ve dared to cast my eyes upon. I, like most of Panther Nation, are delirious on this evening of remembrances of disaster that descended upon us one decade ago. A dour dedication detoured by a decidedly dominating dynamic of a non-Davidson director! The derisive detractors of our #1 draft pick? Diminished! The days of depression over a desiccated, demoralized, deflated and disconnected football team? Dismissed! The future cheers for our offense in BOFA? DEAFENING!

The dollars destined to be spent on Panther tickets going forward are definitively driven by the deft direction of our dazzling new star , and to deny it would be, well, downright delusional.

One Cam Newton, who, for all of his jaw-dropping poise in this debut, could not command the English language like your Cedar Street Seer who has used words that start with “D” in a paragraph like the one you just read. Admit it, it was fun, and witty. And you’re in a really great mood after what you saw this evening. And I just couldn’t wait to get my thoughts into this rant, one I was only remotely confident I’d be writing. But I had no clue I’d feel as good as I do now, even after this narrow loss.

First, let’s get this in perspective. From where we were, when there was little to no chance of our team being competitive, to see a team sling the biscuit down the field like we did that even exceeded the days of Beurlein and his Frisbee-catchin’ dogs was as refreshing as stepping out of the door on an early fall morning, when the crispness of the air makes you awake and alive! To see Steve Smith perform as if he were in his prime! To see tight ends make clutch catch after clutch catch! To see the defense, yes, the defense, make plays when the whole world knows their shortcomings. I can’t think of all of the positive metaphor I can add to this – It’s like a chance meeting with the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in your life – and she LOVES all the stuff YOU do, and SHE has season tickets! And when you have your first date at the pool, you discover she looks INCREDIBLE in a two-piece! Ok, that’s just a bonus and not THAT important, but you testosterone-poisoned goobers know what I’m talking about. It’s like going to Morton’s, and after your meal, and they bring you the best dessert ever made for FREE! And the dude at the next table is Jerry Richardson, recognizes you as a Panther Fan, and BUYS YOUR DINNER for you and your “D” cup darling (hey – there’s the “D” words again!) It’s like buying the truck you always wanted, but they only had the standard version, but once you left the lot in your brand-new F150, you discover it had ALL of the extras you wanted anyway! Do I need to go on?

It’s the discovery the franchise quarterback your team drafted –

IS

THE

REAL

DEAL.

After today? There can be no question. The stats speak for themselves. No rookie EVER started a game, much less PLAYED a game in the entire season with the productivity that Cam displayed today. Of course, I’m going to have to give a tremendous amount of credit to Coach Shula, to Coach Chudzinsky, and certainly Coach Rivera for their patience, and their confidence. The poise shown by Newton today while under massive duress was not that of a rookie, but that of a seasoned veteran. The Cardy-noles were determined to blitz, early and often. They never diverted from that plan, and more often than not, he BEAT IT! And after today, the rest of the league will take notice. The sportswriters who follow the frontrunners like pre-programmed flocking birds will have to pay attention to this young, aggressive, and talented team that has determined ---

WE WILL NOT SUCK ANYMORE. When you are going to play us, you are going to have to account for EVERY INDIVIDUAL on that offense, who will play for this QB, this coaching staff, like they all received Underdog’s Super Energy Pill when they report on gameday.

And my beloved PantherFanz –

This offense is a work in progress. How much better are we going to get? Of course, I don’t want to get too high after this performance. We will see Cam have a stinker, and THIS SEASON, most certainly. But as the seasons march on, barring catastrophic injury, these malodorous performances will become fewer and fewer.

Here’s a telling shot –

At the end of today game, with a goal line shot stopped INCHES from scoring, Cam Newton returned to the sideline, a look of deject disappointment in his face. Do you think he cared that he blasted his name in the record books in HIS VERY FIRST START? He didn’t give a damn about that. HE WANTED TO WIN, AND BADLY! His teammates consoled him and congratulated him, but the drive to win is evident in this young man. And I was delighted to see that, and not the goofy smile of Julius Peppers on our sideline after a lackadaisical performance that handed a victory to our opponent in a CRITICAL game! We have just experienced the rebirth of our Carolina Panthers, friends. The excitement level for this team has just reached SEISMIC proportions! Again, barring catastrophic injury, Uncle Jerry will sell out every game this season, particularly if we perform well against the Packers next Sunday, win or lose. The old axiom about offense selling tickets will once again hold true. Not only tickets, but jerseys, product, all of the attention a shining new superstar generates. Primetime will once again romance these Panthers. If Newton continues to perform like he had today, we will be tailgating for many a night game in our future. The value of our PSL’s escalate. The most popular Christmas gift this year? The #1 jersey, for sure.

Unfortunately, the old axiom about defense winning championships also holds true. As good as our offense promises to be, the defense also has potential to be the one-ton concrete block chained to the hopes of our team. While they didn’t look as bad this evening as they had in the preseason, they gave up yardage in MONSTROUS CHUNKS to an average Cardy-noles offense. I saw some bone-headed alignments called by McDermott, particularly in the second half, which surrendered critical points that turned the game in their favour. Of course, this unit is a work in progress as well. But potential DISASTER is losing Beason, the undisputed captain of our defense. Let’s hope and pray that his injury is not serious or season –ending. It WAS good to see Thomas Davis back out on the field causing mayhem. Let’s also pray that his return is permanent.

But I certainly don’t want to end my delirious rant on a downer –

Try to imagine this, PantherFanz-

WHAT IF –

We are able to withstand the Packer’s best shot? What if we can go toe-to-toe with the Super Bowl Champs? We’ve done this before. We’ll be home, and the stadium will have a disproportionate amount of THEIR fans, but what if WE can summon the noise and sprit this team so desperately needs and DROWN out the cheers of the foamy-cheese adorned fanatics?

All of a sudden, the somber demeanor of the day has got me thinking of one of the most poignant scenes in film. When the battle for the bridge in Remelle is finished in the movie “Saving Private Ryan”, with the Allies victorious, Captain Miller, mortally wounded, clutches the titular character, and utters with his dying breath ---

“EARN THIS”

The scene changes to an elderly Ryan contemplating his life, and tearfully asks his wife for affirmation, which she lovingly gives him.

Football isn’t war, and in no way are sports the critical occupation doofuses like Dierdorf would have you believe if you listen to his annoying analysis during a game. But one thing’s for sure –

After today, with this performance –

The Carolina Panthers have earned our support and every ounce of cheering energy we can give them.

And let’s start it in the lot this Sunday!

Instead of a death march over a seemingly vastly superior opponent, now it feels like we’ve got a puncher’s chance! Hope – real, genuine hope, like we haven’t had in what feels like years –

Makes being a fan on this team feel worthwhile, at last. I’m also a realist. We weren’t expected to be very good this year, and the pundits continue to pound that in our faces in both the print and visual media. We aren’t making the playoffs this year, and I stand by my prediction of five wins, six at the max. But we are going to look VERY good doing it for the most part. There will be no shortage of exciting plays game after game, home or away.

The future looks dazzlingly bright, Fanz!

I’ll be back with the Week 2 picks in a few days –

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLAIRVOYANCES - WEEK 1

2011-09-07T20:35:00.001-04:00

Ahhhhhhh – the first week of REAL FOOTBALL!

It is not lost on me that this NFL season begins on September 11th, the day when New York firefighters and policemen gave their lives to rescue others in the most dastardly attack on America –EVER. The sneaky Japs bombed MILLITARY TARGETS at Pearl Harbor in ’41. This was a simply evil, inhuman attack on CIVILLIAN targets, full of no one but INNOCENT NON-COMBATANTS! If Al Queda and their sub-human allies want to REALLY insure their TOTAL ERADICATION, they’ll try something at one of 15 NFL stadiums around the county this Sunday. Americans WON’T TOLERATE screwin’ up our FOOTBALL! But in our zeal for hard-hitting sports action, let us not forget those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, those who continue to make that sacrifice, and those who were just living their lives, and were taken needlessly by Satan’s henchmen. Ok, enough editorializing. That was a painful day, and I’m not looking forward to reliving it. On to the subject at hand.

For those of us with stakes in our fantasy leagues, we look at the weekly slate of games with MUCH anticipation as we try to manage our carefully constructed teams to victory – I am no exception to this group of testosterone-poisoned organisms. So I turn to the latest Vegas line to help you along with endeavor. Read on, football fan, and place your bets with CONFIDENCE!

We start with the official start to the season brought to you on Thursday night –

GREEN BAY vs. NEW ORLEANS
Like I said in my season predictions, Green Bay hasn’t done much to get worse – they are already a powerhouse, and they believe in themselves, and have permanently disposed of the tainted Favre legacy. The Saints have had some turnover, particularly on defense. The offense is still plenty strong, but I see matchup problems all over the place in this one. Pack’s favored by -4, and I would certainly take that.

And now, the Sunday games –

BALTY-MOORE vs. PISSBURGH

The Squeelers continue to be a perennial powerhouse, but I think the Ravens showed some serious weaknesses coming down the stretch, particularly in the postseason. The defense has gotten old, and Flacco has gone to creating some untimely turnovers. Wrong team favored in this one. Take the Squeelers and the +2 ½.

TAMPA BAY vs. DETROIT

I’ve made no secret of it – I’m in love with the Lions this year. I’m also thinking the Suck-an-ears are going to challenge in the division. It’s hot and unbearable in Tampa in September – Take the home Bucs to win handily. Come home next week and win, Leos.

CHICAGO vs. ATLANTA

I do NOT like the Bears this year, and this game will go a long way in exposing everything that’s wrong with them. The Duckies are a rare road favorite this week, and I’d feel good about taking them and the -3 points.

KANSAS SHITTY vs. BUFFALO

I also don’t like The Chefs this year, and Matt Cassel is likely not playing in this game. And they’re favored by 6 ½? I don’t like it, friends. Remember, NO ONE circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills –
Take the Bills and the +6 ½. You’ll call me a genius on Monday.

HOUSTON vs. INDIANAPOLIS

The lines’ at -6 for the home Texans right now. The news also came out today that Peyton Manning is officially OUT for this game. I guarantee this line goes up. Kerry Collins, meet the Houston Defense.
Ouch. Texans BIG. REAL BIG in a statement game. Only Vinnie Testicle comes out of retirement to win a road game.

ST. LOUIS vs. PHILTHYDELPHIA

When you suck as long as the Lambs have done, you tend to accumulate enough high draft choices to actually field a solid team when you’re coached decently enough. I’ve seen this start to happen in St. Looey. The Iggles have some serious questions on the offensive line and their defense is a bit undersized. Meet the Lamb’s BIG O line, Philly – Take the home Lambs and the +5 points.

CLEVELAND vs. CINCINNATI

I’ve also admitted that I’m in love with the Browns this year – They get a much weakened division rival at home to start, and like Houston, will be looking to make a statement. Browns roll. Take ‘em and the -6 ½.

JACKSONVILLE vs. TENNESSEE

Why, oh why, has Del Rio jettisoned David Garrard for Josh McClown? That’s like ditching Elly Mae to go on a hot date with Miss Jane! The Titans, while a shell of their former self, DO have Matt Hasslebeck AND Chris Johnson. Wrong team favoured here. Take the Titans and the +3.

WASHINGTOON vs. NOO YAWK FOOTBALL GIANTS

The news keeps getting worse for the Gee-Men. Another defensive starter GONE for the season. No worries, Giants. You’re still playing Wrecks-Gross-Man. You’ll cover the -3 points.

ARID-ZONA vs. CAROLINA

Ok, I’m kind of put out. Is Kolb to Fitzgerald REALLY worth a -7 point advantage? Not so much the defense, but the OFFENSE of the Panthers will keep the ‘Zona D on the field longer than they want to – a much closer game than you’d anticipate. Call me crazy, and most people do, but you would do well to take the Panthers and the +7.

SAN FRANCISCO vs. SEATTLE

I really don’t like this game, as I don’t think there are really strong playmakers on either team short of Frank Gore. The line goes to the Niners, and I hesitatingly suggest you take them and the -5 ½ points.

NY JETS vs. DALLAS

Our Sunday nightcap sees the men with the stars on their hats coming to Gotham for an over-hyped Ryan bowl, as the Bros. Ryan pit defense against defense. Sexy Rexy wins this one, as the Cowboys try to find their offensive legs, and it won’t be here. Take the J*E*T*S and the -4 ½.

MIAMI vs. NEW ENGLANDLAND

The first part of the Monday Night double header finds Dr. Cheatin-Chek coming to Miami to beat up on an overmatched Dullphins squad. Think 7 points is too much? 14? Try 21. Pastry-Rots BIG. The next game will be better, which is

DENVER vs. OAKLAND

John Fox makes his debut with the Broncoids against a much improving Raiders team. He has wisely hitched his wagon to the vastly superior QB in Kyle Orton, and tonight, will Foxball the Raiders in submission. Not today, Al. Take the new-look Broncoids and the -3 points.

There you go, sports fans! Remember that my crystal clear football vision is for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling the house payment away, seek professional help.

See you in a few days with the first official in-season post game rant after the debut in the desert!

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THE 2011 NFL SEASON FORECAST

2011-09-07T08:36:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure I’ve been more excited to see an NFL season to come by since 2008, when I CORRECTLY predicted a 12-4 season for our Panthers, only to see it come to a crashing thud at the hands of the Arid-zona Cardy-noles. It’s a hurt that’s not yet healed, I promise you that. That was worse than losing to Virginia twenty times, I guarantee.

I think there is serious churn in the hierarchy of the NFL. Partly, because of the lack of OTA’s due to the lockout, and partly, because of natural degradation of talent. I look deeply into the vortices of The Force, and pull forth a 100% accurate prediction, for your satisfaction and entertainment. After a season of retreat by your Cedar Street Seer, I’m back, and I’ll be back every week, God willing, without fail.

So, without further ado, or verbiage, or silly metaphor like pizza or Star Wars or little cowboys, here’s my thought about the league this season.

In the AFC East, one thing has returned to the norm. The Pastry-Rots will be good again. Damned good.
The Jets will be right behind, but not as close as they have been in recent years. The Bills are a perpetual rebuilding project, but they have Chan Gailey goin’ for ‘em, and the Dullphins will just be bad. They go –

1- NEW ENGLANDLAND
2- 2-NEW YORK
3- 3-BEEFALO
4- 4-MIAMI

In the AFC South, the Houston Texans AT LAST fulfill all of the promise their fans have anticipated for years. And it won’t be close. The Titans will struggle for mediocrity, the Jags are in serious decline, but the Colts are in REAL trouble. This whole team has been built around Peyton Manning, who may be missing a large part of this season, if not all. His health issues have been hush-hushed, but apparently MUCH worse than anyone’s suspected. They go –

1- HOOSTUN
2- TENNESSEE
3- JACKSONVILLE
4- INDIANAPOLIS (with a shot at Andrew Luck! Isn’t’ that ironic!)

In the AFC North, the Pissburgh Squeelers may have the easiest time in many a season. I think Baltimore’s gotten old, especially on defense. And it will show. Guess who’s coming on? Don’t look now, but the Cleveland Browns have a franchise quarterback and a developing core of good, solid players. The Bungles, well, they will be part of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. They go –

1- PISSBURGH
2- CLEVELAND, yes, CLEVELAND!!!
3- BALTY-MOORE
4- CINCINNATI

The AFC West will be a bit more hotly contested this season. While the San Diego Chargers will still be the team to beat, the Raiders seem to finally have some organization and some players, if Al Davis can stay out of the way long enough. A fresh start will do John Fox and the Broncoids some serious good, but last year’s playoff appearance of the Kansas City Chefs was an anomaly. I guarantee it. The division goes –

1- SAN DIEGO
2- OAKLAND
3- DENVER
4- KANSAS SHITTY

Oh, days of yore, when the power in the league was the NFC East. This year, it will be the NFC LEAST! Without exception, I think EVERY TEAM is fraught with weakness, including that PAPER TIGER PHILTHYDELPHIA! While Dallas will be much improved, they will still have issues on defense to resolve, and the Giant’s defense has aged as well. The Deadskins will simply be bad. You know, Mike Shanahan, the game even passed Don Shula and Tom Landry by – you are certainly no better than they were, by any measurement. But, when you start looking at stats and schedule and so forth, you still come up with –

1- PHILTHYDELPHIA
2- NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS
3- DALLAS
4- WARSHINGTOON

Chris Berman likes to call the NFC North the “Norris Division”. For me, it’s a two-team race. The Packers have done NOTHING to make me believe they are any weaker than they were when they juggernauted through the playoffs. And yes, the Detroit Lions are going to win 10 games this year. Mark it down. The Vikings are in eclipse, having set themselves back with the failed Brett Favre mis-adventure, and the Chicago Bears, the once mighty Monsters of the Midway, are going to be in last place. Mike Martz has effed up this offense enough, and when you effectively block Julius Peppers, as was done when he was a part-time star with us, the rest of the defense crumbles. Mark THAT down, too. Bears in LAST PLACE.

1- GREEN BAY
2- DETROIT
3- MINI-SODA
4- CHICAGO

The REAL power this year in the NFL? OUR division, home sweet NFC South home. While the Duckies seem loaded, I just can’t give it to them, when Tampa Bay and New Orleans are still quite capable of kicking their ass. Can the Suckaneers finally NOT suck? The Duckie’s defense is still not Super-Bowl caliber, and the Saint’s defense is near-non existant. And next year, the Panthers will come to play, I guarantee it. I’m feeling a tremor in the Force, and it’s coming from the Gulf of Mexico…

1- TAMPA BAY
2- ATLANTA
3- NEW ORLEANS
4- *sigh* *again* CAROLINA

The weakest division in YEARS fielded a 7-9 team in the playoffs last season. There should be a law against that, really. Perhaps the NFL should seed their teams like the NBA does to prevent that bullsh**t. While all four teams should improve a bit, none of these teams are scaring anyone, unless you are facing the Lambs in the EJ Dome in St Looey. The home dome is enough for me to pick the Lambs first. And Jim Harbaugh will have the Phoney-Niners playing out of the Andrew Luck derby. But Arid-Zona and Seattle will fighting for him –

1- ST LOUIS
2- SAN FRANCISCO
3- SEATTLE
4- ARID-ZONA

Ok, with that said, you’ve got your division winners in the AFC as New Englandland, Hoostun, Pissburgh and San Diego. The Browns, yes, THE BROWNS, get one of the wild cards, and the J*E*T*S get the other.
Houston dispatches the Browns, the Chargers ground the Jets. The Pastry-Rots herd the Texans, the Chargers UPSET the Squeelers. New EnglandGland negates the Chargers to win the conference.
In our home conference, you’ve got the division winners in Philthy, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and St. Looey. The wild cards will be Detroit and Atlanta. Detroit FLEECES the Lambs, and the Duckies quack out the Iggles, but meet the Packers again with similar results from last postseason. Whoa, DETROIT BEATS THE BUCS, and the Packers BARELY beat the LEOS, who have come very far in killing the haunting pestilence of Matt Millen. The Packers then repeat by humbling a conniving, cheating Belli-cheat in Super Bowl Indianapolis, where Peyton Manning gets a serious chance to hone his television journalist chops and put some serious heat on EVERY SINGLE SPORTS SHOW HOST ON EVERY MAJOR NETWORK, and THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CHRIS BERMAN –

There you go, sports fans. The purest, most accurate forecast you could ever hope to find in piles and piles of overpriced paper. Come to the lot and toast my most excellent clairvoyance with the beverage of your choice, and don’t forget to tip your tailgating hosts.

Gotta Comment?
Hold it until the first week of clarivoyances pass, and THEN –

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CHANGING THE RECIPE

2011-09-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

After my very first attempt at authentic New Orleans Gumbo three years ago, I was certain that I had the PERFECT recipe for the PERFECT tailgating dish to mark the yearly visit of our brothers from the bayou – ESPECIALLY when that initial batch disappeared in less than twenty minutes on gameday.

UNTIL –

I got a taste of Tina Hastings’ version for Super Bowl XLIV when the Saints themselves won it.

I knew she had a better recipe. So, after a brief conversation with James’ extraordinary wife, I mentally bookmarked what she did differently, and by Jiminy, when Nawlin’s comes callin’ – Crazy Joe’s Gumbo will be a lot more like Tinas’. I’m not going to go into great detail about that recipe. That’s not the point of my rant. What DID get me thinking about recipes, was coaching philosophies, and what we can expect from the Panthers this year. It became abundantly clear after Chef Ronnie cut ties with wasted draft pick Everett Brown, and what he and his staff felt were the proper ingredients for a winning team. Of course, all his desired spices and such aren’t immediately available RIGHT NOW – so, instead of FRESH cilantro, Ronnie’s gonna have to go with the dried shaker jar stuff, in some part.

And I’m thinking about pizza, now. How many restaurants have made their name and their living out of that most vital of American staples? If you were blindfolded, and handed a slice of Pizza Hut’s original thin crust pizza, you would immediately recognize the taste and texture, yes? Same if your mouth had a slice of Little Squeezer’s shoved into it. And, if you were handed a generic slice of authentic Brooklyn Style Noo Yawk pizza, you wouldn’t want EITHER of those weak offerings! The NFL is a lot like pizza. Everyone loves pizza. Just not ALL pizza.

So, where am I going with this, you may ask? Those of you who know me and the way my mind operates already know. For the rest of you, read on.

The ingredients that make up the Carolina Panthers have been changed. Forever. What we knew for the past 17 years no longer applies. That veteran driven team of Dom Capers? Gone. The fast-paced offensive group of Frisbee-catchin’ dogs of the See-fart era? Not with these guys. The conservative, defensively oriented team of John Fox? You won’t see it again for generations. What we have now, is a team that is designed to go through the tight end when we have the ball. And to Rivera’s credit, he made sure he had the ingredients for that. This is Chudzinski’s specialty. And goes with virtually any kind of wine. A sure recipe for exciting Sunday afternoons. Shockey, Olsen, and Newton make for a very nice mix, ESPECIALLY when you have fresh Otah, and HEY! Just in, nice, farm grown Hangartner! And on defense, Chef Rivera wants to serve the blitz, early and often. Just for this season, we DO NOT have the richly marbled slabs of beef necessary in the middle to facilitate that, nor do we have the zippy corners to ignite the defensive backfield with flames of heat. Well, you don’t go to Morton’s for barbecue, do you? The Carolina Panthers aren’t serving quality defense this year, but I’m going to go out on a limb, and say that if you like touchdowns, and exciting vertical plays, you are going to be happy with the Panthers this season. Unfortunately, the other team we will be playing will be enjoying plenty of their own.

One of the things I most liked to eat years ago was Hooter’s Three-Mile-Island wings. I remember taking my best customer and pal “Big Woo” and the rest of Carolina Place’s support staff to the South Boulevard location , and eat heaps of ‘em, along with buckets of raw oysters and pitchers of beer, and Kenny would take a nice order from me the next day or so. But the next morning?

Johnny Cash wrote a song that exemplified my feeling ----

“oh it burns, burns, burns…..the ring of fire….the ring of fire….”

You will need your Tums to watch the Panthers this year. Oh, they’ll be tasty at times, but they will go down like alligator sausage other times… And you’ll feel the burn, burn, burn…

So, with that said, I’m going to go week by week over the Panther’s schedule – and gastronomically predict the palatability factor for each one –

WEEK 1 - @ARID-ZONA

New era for the Cardy-noles – they find out how much they gave up for Kevin Kolb. To his advantage, he’s got Larry Fitzgerald to throw to. But the desert’s not the benefit it once was – Uof P Stadium is comfortably weather-conditioned for your dining pleasure. The Panther’s D won’t be as bad as we’ve seen, and I think Arizona will be at a disadvantage of not having a TRUE scouting report on Cam Newton. Cam shows WHY he’s the #1 draft choice and the ‘Cats win their ’11 debut in a shootout! If you like defense, you won’t like this game. Enjoy, but don’t forget your antacids.

WEEK 2- vs. GREEN BAY

This is where you want to come early and stuff yourself on Clay’s open pit. Because Green Bay’s superior defense and experienced offense will make the Panthers look like middle school Mystery Meat. Add to the gastrointestinal discomfort will be the countless Packer fans in our stadium. What can I say? They travel well. And they’re all over the damn place.

WEEK 3 – vs. JACKSONVILLE

Today, we all got the news that Chef Del Rio sent his sous Chef David Gerrard packin’. In favor of JOSH FREAKIN’ McCLOWN? The Jags are in a decline, just like my dearly departed favorite watering hole, Township Grille. Panthers win a good one, and taste good doin’ it.

WEEK 4 – vs. CHICAGO

In my yearly predictions, I have The Bears in LAST PLACE. Do you hear me? IN LAST FREAKIN’ PLACE! And there’s a few reasons I think so. I’m backin’ it up. A game we aren’t supposed to win, and we DO. Hey, Morton’s has good barbecue after all! Who knew?

WEEK 5 – vs. NEW ORLEANS

I remember years ago, Kathie getting one bad meal in a New Orleans restaurant. When you’re food’s bad in The Big Easy, you go down harder than the pump where James fills the Party Prowler. This year’s Saints ain’t Arnauds, but they’re not Hardee’s, either… The positive part is that the Saints defense isn’t cordon-bleu this season. We’ll get our points, just not enough.

WEEK 6 - @ ATLANTA.

Uggh. Imagine your worst lunch room nightmare. What is a three-hour game will feel like eight.

WEEK 7 – vs. WARSHINGTOON

A team that sucks and starts Wrecks-Gross-Man. Win. Easy. Like killin’ a whole bag of Oreos and milk after some serious munchies. No Tums.

WEEK 8 – vs. MINI-SODA

Remember 2009? Sous Chef Matt Moore almost singlehandedly BEAT playoff-bound Brett Favre and his Vikings. A washed- up Donovan McSnabb leads this group in on a lovely fall afternoon, where the blitzing Panthers do enough to keep All Day in check, and WHOA! We’ve won four of our last six going into the bye!

WEEK 9- BYE

All of the talking heads will begin to talk about the vast improvements the Panthers have made. Games will be sold out by now, and Cam Newton will be signed to his first big endorsement deal, tattoo free.

WEEK 10- vs. TENNESSEE

Remember how nice it was to come to Chez Jerry for the five home games in the first half of the season?
No more, babe. We’re going to be roadkill going forward, with only three home games left. This will be our last realistic chance for a home victory, and against a seasoned Hasselbeck, and Chris Johnson, not lookin’ good. Titans win a squeaker against us.

WEEK 11 @ DETROIT

The Lions are going to be the NFL’S MOST IMPROVED TEAM this year, mark it down. And you will be guzzling Pepto to get through this one –

WEEK 12 @ INDIANAPOLIS

Without Peyton Manning, the Colts will be in a terminal tailspin. Like a veggie burger when you really, REALLY, need pure, steaming ANGUS BEEF. If they are without Son Of Archie, they will be as listless as peanut butter and jelly in a lunch bag by 3.00 PM. Our second road win of the year. And last.

WEEK 13 @ TAMPA BAY

The Suck-an-Ears by this time will be fighting hard for playoff positioning, and we are the team they will need to beat. And we will be shucked like we cost one dollar per cob of tasty corn. Damn, did I JUST say that???

WEEK 14 vs. ATLANTA

Double uggh. I really, REALLY, hate the Duckies, and by this time, I will likely prefer munching on a plate of Dook Dookie as to stomach these guys.

WEEK 15 @ HOUSTON

We are going into Texans Town to play a first place team. There will be no doubt. It’s a team we’ve never beaten, and we’ll be waiting another four years to get another chance at this team that will one day be led by TJ Yates.

WEEK 16 vs. TAMPA BAY

Come on Santa. PLEEEEEEEEEEZE can we have another home victory? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE????

$(*@&#^%(@&#(*& might as well ask the %^#_&$^!@_$^ Hannukah fairy )#$^%_(!@^$
Panthers like bad fruitcake. Might as well crunch on a lump of coal. We’ll keep it close. Won’t be that bad, but the Bucs will be playing for their playoff lives. And they owe us.

WEEK 17 vs NEW ORLEANS

May old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind, and that would include this version of the Carolina Panthers, who made us forget the quite forgettable acquaintance of the ’10 Panthers. We go 5-11, considerably better than last year, and the ingredients for a much tastier football team begin to simmer, as Chef Ron begins his shopping list at the Mega-NFL-Mart for 2012, for yet the next step in our Panther’s culinary and football evolution.

Excuse me while I call Domino’s for a sausage and pepperoni pizza.

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ME –

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"DRESS" REHEARSAL

2011-08-29T19:46:00.001-04:00

We’ve often heard that the third pre-season game in the NFL is what most coaches like to call their “dress rehearsal”, with the starters and first-stringers playing for most of 3 quarters. I’m going to admit that I found myself very excited about watching these NEW Carolina Panthers against a team that, frankly, wasn’t very good last year, wasn’t expected to be very good THIS year, and presented favorable matchups for our Panthers. With a half gallon of PREMIUM chili in hand, I hurriedly zipped to Casa Dano for the evening. The game couldn’t have started better –

Most of you saw that impressive defensive play that put the ball in the Panther’s offensive paws in the first quarter, with DESIGNED PLAYS showcasing Cam Newton’s amazing running ability, and he scored his very first NFL touchdown! It was to be pretty much the only highlight of the evening. As I saw BOTH lines of scrimmages pushed around like they would be overweight middleschoolers.

And I began to ponder the notion of a “dress rehearsal”. What I SAW was a bunch of football players that might as well have been wearing DRESSES, that frock that adorns WOMEN. Hell, the HOGETTES could have possibly put up a better fight that these STARTING units did! The defensive line was far worse, truth be told. They absolutely looked LOST, as the Bungles gashed them for almost 300 yards and 24 UNANSWERED POINTS in the first half. It was a carbon copy of what we saw the week before at Miami. And Dano and I began to contemplate a 4-12 season.

Or worse.

Now, I would be one of the first to say that pre-season success is much like “fools gold”. You can NEVER accurately predict what any particular team is going to do by what they do in the pre-season. And, conversely, pre-season FAILURE could be the very best thing for any team trying to work out kinks and problems in any given unit. I’ve seen traditionally good teams stink it up in August, only to tear it up in the regular season, and I’ve seen the Lions win ALL FOUR of the preseason games, only to return to the cold, murky bottom of the standings. DC Jim McDermott spent the entire first half in an uncustomary position for him, up in the coaching booth. He usually hones his craft on the sidelines, and when he returned to the field for the third quarter, the defense DID actually start to play better, but by that time, the game was already decided, and I began to pick apart the carcass. Here’s my thoughts about this DRESSY game –

First and foremost, this team belongs to Cam Newton. No question about that. The way this offense responds to him is like night and day as compared to when Claussen is behind center. Second, Newton’s completions to the tight end CONTINUES to be more than that of the wide receivers. If I’m a ASTUTE football fan, I would NOT be concerned about this. The tight end is an INTEGRAL part of Rob Chudzinski’s offense. Which tells me –

Cam is getting it. Steadily, surely, he’ll get it. And when he does, you will see the beginning of an truly exciting offensive machine. And there will be plenty of balls for Smitty and his WR mates, I guarantee it.
I wouldn’t worry about this offense right now. We are getting Jeff Otah back, and if he’s healthy for the bulk of the season, we’ll move the ball, absolutely.

Thirdly, this defense is a mess. The players we have to play the all – important tackle position are so far behind right now, it handicaps the things the ends can do. The secondary is slow, and leaky. The linebackers are going to have to shoulder the load on this unit, and I hope to heaven that our depth holds out. My buddy Wildman had the interesting thought -

What if we went from a 4-3 defense to a 3-4, considering the abundance of those quality linebackers?
I know it’s somewhat ridiculous to change something so fundamental so close to the regular season, but if the defense looks like what we saw last Thursday, what would we have to lose? I DO hope it doesn’t come to that, and that McDermott fixes the egregious errors he saw. It’s a new coaching staff too, y’all, and they’ve got to find their way as well.

And, we’ve got an opportunity to make some quality adds when the cuts come out this week. And because of our stellarly BAD record, we’ve got first dibs on the waver wire. So, I wouldn’t be so terribly gloomy right now. We’ve got a meaningless game against the Squeelers this Thursday, and a stadium that is sure to be half filled with their fans. ***oh*** joy **** I cannot tell you how disgusted I am at that prospect.

But even with my cautious optimism, I recall last year, where the offense failed to score a touch in all four games. It was indeed a bellwether for the season. This year’s defensive squad could be tolling the tone of the regular season. And I hope I’m wrong, dead wrong, but I’m thinking we’re somewhere in the middle of dreadful, and worthy of dread.

That’s my rant of the week, y’all! I’ll see some of you in the lot Thursday, some of you in the stadium, and ALL of you back next week, with my predictions for the season! Stay Tuned!

Gotta comment?
Email me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

A REASON TO CARE

2011-08-14T22:30:00.002-04:00

August 14th, 2011

Ok, I’m going to confess.
Last year, I had run out of desire to rant about the Panthers by November.

Come on, how much more vitriol could I possibly heap on a situation that was bad, getting worse, and becoming simply unbearable to watch, either on TV, or in that mausoleum of a stadium that OUR PSL’s built? How many more ways can you say “WE SUCK!!!” ??? It’s not my nature to be a pessimist, nor is it healthy for me to spend a whole lot of time focusing on the negative.

Combined with a battle for computer time with my academic-obsessed younger daughter, I acquiesced the seat at the desk to her, while the very WORST TEAM in Carolina Panther history took the field, if you can call it that.

If you want to argue about which season was worse, the 1-15 Sei-fart debacle, or this abortion of last year, you won’t have many supporters for your choice of the 2001 cat-tastrophe. At LEAST the 1-15 Panthers were competitive – They COULD score, but the defense couldn’t stop anyone. This abomination? Totally, 100% UNWATCHABLE.

So, as the debris of the season settled into the field of Jerry World, with the Green Bay Packers decisively delivering an intense gluteal discomfort to those Pissburgh Squeelers, and subsequently hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, I turned my attention to the NCAA basketball season, and watched with joy as the Mighty Tar Heels renewed my sports enthusiasm, and kept the Panthers and the NFL on the periphery, if at all.

And the news was less than stellar – The “savior” of the franchise, one Andrew Luck, as our “luck” would have it (bad pun VERY intended) decided to stay at Stanford, while a long-time candidate that was always denied a head coaching position FINALLY got his opportunity - WITH US. And to Ron Rivera’s misfortune, he came on just in time for a long, contentious owner-generated lockout that effectively wiped out the OTA’s that train and hone all NFL players in the offseason. Pardon me if I’m not tingling with excitement at the prospect of a long time coordinator, always the bridesmaid, never the bride, taking the keys from Uncle Jerry to a jalopy of a football team, that would be crippled even further by a work stoppage.

And surprisingly, I found myself not bothering to care.

Begrudgingly, I renew my season tickets, knowing that we could be looking at another suck-fest of a season. Add to that that there were no clear-cut can’t miss opportunities with the #1 pick our franchise-worst season awarded us. The only great thing coming out of Draft Day was the PantherFanz Party Prowler winning first place in the first annual Pride Rides completion, and deservedly so. With so many fans, divided on who should be our top choice, it was no surprise to hear the moaning and groaning over the selection of Auburn one-year-wonder Cam Newton, who by the way, also won college football’s over-hyped John Heisman trophy as well as guiding his Tigers to the mythical National Championship. So many times I have seen Heisman Trophy winners flame out in the NFL, so I met the announcement with a “meh” kind of attitude. Having been beaten down from last season, this wasn’t nearly enough to generate the kind of excitement that would have me counting down the days to kickoff, much less zipping down to Wofford to get an early look at the team my PSL’s pay for…

So, with the lockout ended, and a new collective bargaining agreement between the players and owners, a new season beckons. And the one thing I truly, truly, want is –

Simply.

A reason to care.

A reason to look forward to Sundays, to look forward to committing an entire morning and afternoon of my life at Bank of America Stadium. A reason to consider a televised away game to be regarded as an event not to be missed. Never mind the wins and losses, I want to see MY Panthers competitive. To play with a chip on their shoulder. To play like they care. I want to be able to forget the “F YOU” season of last year, where Uncle Jerry said “F YOU “ to Fox, who said “F YOU” to Jerry, while both said “F YOU” to us, the fans.

To Mr. Richardson’s credit, he’s opened up his vault to pay the players most of us regard as most valuable.

The things I’m hearing coming out of Ron Rivera’s first Camp Wofford are most encouraging, from Cam’s Peppers-like athletic freakishness, to Steve Smith’s 180 degree turnaround. I am also most excited about the improvement of a young man that could be a game-breaker for us, one Armanti Edwards. Now that I know more about the rank contentiousness of the Richardson-Fox relationship of last year, I’m convinced that the entire draft class of 2010 was summarily under-coached by lame-o-duckie Coach Fox, INCLUDING Jimmy Claussen. And speaking of coaching, I’ve got a very positive vibe about this staff that Coach Rivera has assembled. This is a staff that promises to be aggressive on both offense and defense, with frequent blitzing and extensive use of the tight end. For me, it sounds like a recipe for excitement, if not success. Of course, time will tell if we’ve got the right folks here to end the sucky-ness and mediocrity that had become John Fox’s legacy, and to return to the championships that spoiled us years ago. And, still, I’m sad to see Fox’ legacy with us to be that mediocrity, instead of those glorious seasons of victory. I do wish him well in Denver.

But one thing’s for certain – this isn’t status quo. Which is good enough for right now to give me –

A reason to care. And I hope that it’s given you all a reason to care. A reason to come to the lot and get fired up, to catch a buzz on the concoction your Miss December PantherFanz and I are developing for your tailgating pleasure. A reason to click on the website and read my rants and look at the pictures and plan your Sundays around the party in the Cedar Street Lot.

The preseason is here. NFL football is back. The next four months could be the best of the year for us. And right now, I care. I’m excited. Show me sumphin’, Coach Ron! Show me sumphin’, Cam! Show me, Panthers, that last year was a sick aberration! I’ll be there.

Gotta Comment?
Email me, the Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

JUST DON'T CALL IT "FOOFA"....

2011-08-09T00:34:00.002-04:00

August 9th, 2011

When the IPMS Nationals in Nebraska became undoable for me two weeks ago, I jumped on Dano’s invitation to the Professional Football Ultimate Fan Association’s annual Reunion at Canton for the NFL’s Hall of Fame weekend.

I had no ideal what I had in store.

So, I will attempt to write a thorough but readable travelogue for those of you who are curious about PFUFA. Never mind that this is my first blog entry since last November – I’ll detail THAT debacle when I write my first official rant of the brand-spankin’ new season – This is a joy to write about –

I was vaguely aware that Coach Dano likes to start his days REALLY early, so I obliged his rendezvous hour of 7.00AM at the DanoDigs on Thursday morning complete with bag full of Pantherwear, and my golf clubs. Upon pulling up to our Phat Cat Patrick’s house, and finding it UNLIT at 7.03, Dano utters,

“Oh, this ain’t good…”

Evidentially, Patrick didn’t get the memo about the 7.00 dustoff - So, the ever gracious Renada fixes us some delightful French Vanilla to sip on while Murray assembles his travel necessities. And by 7.30 your Cedar Street Seer, Coach Dano, Cousin Joey, and Patrick pile into Dano’s massive Tundra, with Joker Smoker in tow, and after a thoroughly depressing conversation about hackneyed incompetent contractors, at last, the conversation turned to FOOTBALL, and much exaggerated sexual adventures that were more fabrication than fact. Before we knew it, we arrived in Dover, right outside of Canton, OH at a smallish Comfort Inn, and already, football fans from around the country were arriving. Interestingly enough, Jeff the PantherMan was the first to meet us, along with Mikey the Jets fan, and the MASSIVE Sasquatch, the Browns Fan, who, I swear, could probably body slam Jordan Gross. Or Jordan Castens, or any of his largest hogs. We quickly checked in, and began setting up the PantherFanz official PFUFA tailgate site in a piece of choice real estate in a large grassy lot to the rear of the hotel. Directly to the left of us in the accompanying “Boardwalk” position? Our beloved Ravens Flock, complete with stalwarts Captain Defense, Fired Up, Poetic Justice, Dee-Ciple and Purple Dame, to name JUST a few. A very cool addition was Greg’s INCREDIBLE tricked out ’52 Buick beautifully restored in purple and black Ravens colours with some very appropriate decaling. Of course, the four tires were kept from the ground by four well-placed Terrible Towels – hehehehehehe… The hospitality suite, a mere ten yards away, was VERY well stocked with premium beers and sodas for the non-partakers, and before we knew it, we had a nice buzz as we watched group after group of the NFL’s most hardy and enthusiastic fans set up their tailgating tents.

And, as I watched, a surreal image materialized, one that warmed and amazed me. The Redskins, setting up a tent next to the Eagles. THE EAGLES, for God’s sake!!! The Raiders, setting up a tent next to the Titans, who are bonding with Colts fans! The Bengals, parking their “WHO DEY” Bengal Bomb Bus RIGHT NEXT TO Old Man Jay’s BROWNS bus! And next to the Browns’ bus? The limo of the most hated BRONCOS! Our other closest neighbor? Division rival Saints, who came well represented with the Pope and his entourage. And there was nary any hint of belligerence, of anxiety about a fierce rival fan’s hostile smack. Why – it was …. Fellowship! Honest, genuine JOY and LOVE for one another, and the game we love – EVEN WITH EAGLE FANS!!! It felt like the UN of the NFL – better than that – it’s as if someone poured a bunch of Kickaboo Happy Joy-joy juice in the water system of Babylon 5! The league was not as well – represented as I thought it would have been, but here’s the roll call of teams represented at this reunion-

From the AFC East, the Bills represented, with a pair of Jets fans. Strangely enough, no Pastry-Rots, no Dolphins. From the AFC North, the Ravens, Browns and Bengals were VERY well represented. From the AFC South, the Texans, Titans and Colts represented well. From the AFC West, a smattering of Raider and Broncoid fans did proud. The NFC East had Redskins and Eagles. NO COWBOYS, NO GIANTS. The NFC North had a few Packers, a few Bears, and of course, all of the Yooper Lions. The NFC West had MAJOR representing with the Rams, a couple of SeaHawks, and ONE Niner fan. The ONLY division to have all four teams STRONGLY represented was of course, our very own NFC South, with us PantherFanz, the Saints, the Bucs, and the Fanbulance crew from Hotlanta. We found out very quickly that the Pissburgh Squeeler fans were not present, and were not wanted, and most everyone was glad of that. Amazing, that group was the lone exception from the circle of love generally felt between everyone else., as tales of hostile, arrogant behavior at the hands of these animals pretty much precluded membership into this organization. At Coach Dano’s insistence, I came in character – and introduced these fans to your Cedar Street Seer. And we bonded. Instantly. We put our buzz on hold to venture to a popular Amish restaurant with the rest of the fans, and amazingly enough, some thirty –odd fans, all in jerseys and identifying colours, were seated immediately.

Now, let me digress for a moment.

I want to briefly touch on the landscape of this part of Ohio I’ve never ventured in. From the big bridge that spans the Ohio River crossing from West By-God-Virginia, the landscape in Northeastern Ohio RARELY changes from it’s rolling, pastoral, rural beauty that is lush, green, well grown, and OLD. Ohio, which fought for the Union in the Civil war, did not bear the intense devastation our Dixieland suffered. Many of the farm buildings, homes and other structures have been there for a very long time, and many of them are relatively well- kept. There is no traffic to speak of on the part of I-77 that I’ve never travelled on, and this continued as we made our way to and from the idyllic pastures populated by Amish and Buckeyes alike.
So, after a FANTASTIC home-cooked dinner, Amish style, (and a few really trite comments about a buck-an-ear for corn on the cob with the Tampa fans) we come back to the hotel tailgate site to kick the buzz back on with a lot of help from some Czechoslovakian Truth Serum, and more bonding with, as Dano put it, with 50 of my new best friends. Regrettably, we had to stop the party, for us at least, so we could get a bit of sleep before the first PFUFA golf tournament in the morning.

In the meantime –

The Detroit Lion fans had arrived as we went lights out –
And not any garden variety Lion fans –

THE YOOPERS.

Now, if you’re not familiar with what a Yooper is, it’s the bastardization of “Upper Peninsula Inhabitor” from the Upper Peninsula of the Great State of Michigan. It is a species of redneck I’ve never met before. They are all MASSIVE men, with MASSIVE beer bellies, and MASSIVE appetites for life, meat, and LIQUOR! I was totally intrigued by them. One of them, the YooperMan, was a damned dead ringer for a very dearly departed friend of mine, the Big Woo himself. Yooper John, who turned me on to a couple of choice stogies, one of them a CUBAN, looked like a blown-up Dave Hodge! And yet another Yooper John was even BIGGER than the Brown’s Sasquatch! When Dano awoke at 5.30 to start the smoker, the Yoopers that had arrived around midnight were STILL awake, STILL drinking, and had just lost Joe Texan to a bottle of Crown Royal. When Dano asked if they had gotten any sleep, the infamous CrackMan replied “Sleeps for when you’re dead! We’ve got golf to play!!!” So, no shower, up an-at-em, and in the lobby with the rest of the golf playing PFUFA’ers, we make our way to the golf course, (located in of all places, Sleepy Hollow Drive…oooooo….) and as luck would have it, the four PantherFanz got to be a foursome. We were all roused by The CrackMan’s inspirational pre-round “prayer” that was half John Blutarsky, and half Jessie Jackson. Cousin Joey provided some early entertainment as the big boy swung again and again at his ball on the first tee, whiffing about five times.

A hangover isn’t good for golf, friends.

To our major annoyance, we found that some goober spread MARSHMALLOWS all over EVERY FAIRWAY on the course – later, we found out that the guilty party was that crazy Yooper, the CrackMan! Ahhh, those goofy fookin’ YOOPERS! Thankfully, the marshmallows, nor the numerous mushrooms sprouting out of the juicy ground, weren’t a hindrance to our game. Dano, without a round played in ten years, amazingly launched ball after ball off the tee 250 yards or more! And your Cedar Street Seer DOES have short game, as I holed a pair of birdies for Team PantherFanz to put us at a stellar -2 under for the round! Figures, that those mulligan-using Packer-Saint-Colt-PantherMan hackers won the round at -5 under! After another eye-pleasing cruise through Amish country, it was FINALLY in the shower to prepare for a BIG EVENING’s party – the official PFUFA Friday Night Tailgate Party!

Now, before you think that this reunion of fans is all one big bacchanal, let me tell you about one of the most important missions of this organization – In order to be a member, you MUST parlay your “fandom” into a charitable quest – for example, Danos’ desire to entertain the Wounded Warriors every season. The fans who come to their respective stadiums in costume are encouraged to attend children’s hospitals here, to brighten the day of seriously injured and burned kids. So, after the golf tourney, guys like King Ram, Fired Up, and WhoDey spent the afternoon cheering the young ‘uns before assisting the rest of us in the tailgate.

As the afternoon turned to evening, the setting sun was replaced by the MASSIVE inflatable Browns helmet erected by Mr. Sasquatch, incredibly, again, by the rival Bengals generator. And our tailgate party turned into the Tailgate County Fair. The smells of all of our respective favorites filled the air – The Raven’s crab boil, the PantherFanz Smoked Pork, the Saint’s frog legs and trout frying, the sizzle of Philly Cheese steaks from Stephanie EagleFanz grill, the fajitas from the Texan’s tent, the Yooper’s bacon-wrapped tenderloin, the Titan’s chili pot, and so on… As DJ Dano’s tunes intertwined with the aromas, the atmosphere became as festive as any of the top tailgates I’ve EVER attended! There simply was NO BAD FOOD at this party! The pork and brisket coming out of our JoKer Smoker had never been better! I had never had frog legs before and they were the whitest, sweetest, tastiest meat I’d ever had! The Raven’s seafood was incredible! I had a little bit of EVERYTHING here, and it looks like a little bit was WAY TOO MUCH as something happened to me that had never happened before…

I lost my buzz.

I was SO stuffed with tailgating goodies, I couldn’t maintain. I had to go to the room to “gas out”, and returned ready to get my buzz back. Never fear. Getting it back at THIS party was not going to be a problem as the Bengal Bomb Squad announced it was time for Bengal Bombs! Now, a Bengal Bomb is pretty much a Yager bomb, served in a special plastic cup-within-a –cup, with Orange Crush poured around it. It’s kind of like Chuck’s Jello-Shot toast at our tailgate party, except you say “WHOOOODEYYYYY” after the shot. Except, of course, I yelled “PANNNNTHERRRRS”. So my buzz quickly returned and I found room for some more trout and frog legs, and God knows what else. Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Pinto Ron’s little bar, erected between the Ravens and PantherFanz “pavilions”.

Speaking of a buzz.

If you don’t know who Pinto Ron is, you are unaware of one of the leagues’ TRULY legendary fans. Kenny, his REAL name, has NEVER MISSED a Buffalo Bills game in 277 games. He’s an averaged sized middle aged bespectacled man with a big, bushy beard full of graying whiskers and the ever-present #5 Bills jersey and hat. Opposed to the larger-than-life personalities that ordinarily populate the PFUFA’s ranks, he’s quite unassuming, and looks more like an eccentric professor than a passionate, rabid NFL fan. When it’s game time at Rich Stadium, he brings a DRIVABLE Ford Pinto that has been converted into an actual GRILL, as well as his bar, which serves not only Buffalo Bills Punch, but the infamous “Bowling Ball Shot”. One of the novelties of Kenny’s tailgate party is the Buffalo wings, fried up in an AUTHENTIC WWII steel helmet!

Well, let me say, that Pinto Ron’s bowling ball shot was quite popular through the weekend. How it’s applied is ritual. The 15-pound ball is placed on top of a roll of duct tape, and Kenny pours some 100-proof Polish cherry brandy into the large thumb hole. The shooter then grabs the ball, lifts it to his/or her mouth, and sucks it down, and then must DROP the ball onto the ground (with NO ROLL! VERY IMPORTANT!!) and then toots into a large plastic horn. A hilarious and entertaining series of mini-events, as the ball is cleaned shot after shot with sanitary wipes, and by the time everyone’s been served at Kenny’s bar, its BENGAL BOMB time again!!! In the meantime, Captain Defense and his creaky knees entertain all of the dancing women in front of the PantherFanz “dance floor”, and even Crazy Joe gets to show everyone his smooth moves, even after a few visits to Kenny’s bar, to the delight of ladies lucky enough to spin with him. When it’s CrackMan’s turn to hit the bowling ball, he drops trou and moons the group when he does his shot! A 50-50 raffle taken by PFUFA at the party raises 880.00 bucks! The winner is Fired Up’s brother, who amazingly, gives every cent of it to charity on the spot!!! Unfortunately, it’s an early morning yet again for everyone as the second largest parade in the country, the Canton Hall of Fame Parade, is set to go at 7.30, so everyone MUST be in COSTUME, in the lobby, at 6.00AM! We kill the last of the Bengal Bombs and the party extinguishes. So, at 1.30 in the morning after a WWE episode between Dano and Crazy Joe on the air mattress, and the flinging of dozens of honey-roasted peanuts before four really blasted PantherFanz from Charlotte go lights out. Ahhh, the utter delight of four testosterone poisoned goobers in the same hotel room! We’re really hoping to get our asses in jerseys and hard hats to the parade in the morning.

The PantherFanz don’t make it.

As a matter of fact, the PantherFanz don’t make it out of bed, until at 10.50. And massively hung over.

(Ok, disclaimer - Patrick Murray just gets blasted on life!!!)

We start to come back to life as we grill bacon and eggs at the PantherFanz tent, and CJ enjoys the destruction of his hangover with Dave Raven’s Bloody Marys and a few Mike’s. A few folks who also didn’t make the parade also rise and we begin to get ready for another evening of tailgating when we find out something really potentially catastrophic happened at the parade.

GoGoSaint, Candice, the president of PFUFA, was run over by a float.

I won’t go into the circumstances that led to this unfortunate accident, but the front tire of this particular float knocked GoGo down, and ran up her leg, and onto her back – it could not be lifted off, so it had to be rolled back off of her – OWWWWWWWWWWWCHHHHH!!!! Thankfully, Fired UP!, the Ravens fan who’s a retired fire chief, gave her the essential first aid needed, while the paramedics arrived to rush her to the hospital.

Now, this is the amazing part.

If God does not LOVE the Saints and their fans, I don’t think you’d find better proof to the contrary.

Candice suffered no broken bones of any kind. At least, I think God loves THIS particular Saints fan. Even if she’s married to Darth Packer.

Candice the GoGoSaint was sent back to the hotel from the hospital, in time to preside over the all-important meeting, approving the enrollment of the 15 new prospective members of PFUFA. Evidentially, it’s difficult to get in. They just don’t take anyone. You have to have a clean record, have a documented history of charitable actions, and of course, be a HUGE fan. To everyone’s amazement, EVERY applicant got in, including our buddy the Fanbulance driver, Fired Up, Raider Jerry, AND –

After all these years,
Pinto Ron.

But perhaps the most unusual new member was Ezra, the self proclaimed “Pancho Billa” who is most likely the ONLY Buffalo Bills fan from El Paso, Texas. And perhaps, the only Mexican MORMON from El Paso Texas that’s a Buffalo Bills fan. Resplendent in his old school Bills livery, sombrero, and Nacho Billa wrasslin’ mask, he’s quite a character.

So, with a tragedy avoided, a celebration is about to begin for those not attending the NFL HOF acceptance speeches by Richard Dent, Marshall Faulk, Deion Sanders, et.al. , and we begin the tailgate once again – and what we had escaped the night before came with a vengeance –

A downpour.

A party-killin’ downpour. The Tailgating County Fair is dismantled by most of the fans, except the Browns, Ravens, and of course, PantherFanz. But not before some more choice food is consumed by those who braved the downpour. I guess it’s a good thing that we got rained out, because YET ANOTHER early morning awaited us, as we had a 8.30 breakfast and acceptance ceremony at the actual NFL Hall of Fame up the road at Canton. And of course, all 15 new members had to BE IN COSTUME. For Pinto Ron, no problem. For guys like Raider Jerry, who looks like a cross between Darth Maul and a SWAT officer, to INFERNO, the Titans fan who looks like a Batman villain (my personal favorite costume), I would suppose they would have to get up pretty dang early. The breakfast buffet was quite hearty and delicious and appropriate for the setting, and was a perfect precursor of what was to come. After some fine oration by the leadership, including GoGo Candice, sore, but standing, we were treated to the acceptance speeches of all 15 new members, timed by Captain Defense at our table up front. Speakers were obliged to toss a buck into a bowl for every minute spent at the podium, which would be contributed, of course, to charity.

Now, this is where the true nature of the organization manifests itself. With few exceptions, every speaker has an emotional story to tell, of relationships with fathers, brothers, and other loved ones who had passed their love of football, of others, and of Jesus onto them. Most spoke tearfully of the causes that are dear to their hearts that their fandom had the good fortune to support. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house as Raider Jerry spoke of his terminally ill wife, who encouraged him to come to Canton for his acceptance into PFUFA. She was proudly at his table, watching as he broke down, and the rest of us wiped tearing eyes. This is a group that LOVES its football with an unbridled passion, but has the same passion for those things that REALLY matter. Family. God. The Community. Many love the party too, yet many are teetotalers as well. As the official part of the program wound down, I realized how honorable membership was in this group, how good of a dude Dan Ortel is, and how undeserving a guy like Crazy Joe is to be in this order of fans.

We then toured the actual Hall of Fame, which is a really great attraction if you’re a fan. It is a thorough chronological history of the game, from its humble beginnings in Ohio; to the national obsession we know it as today. You owe it to yourself to make the trip, at least once in your life. We then returned sadly to the hotel, packed the PantherFanz tailgate stuff back into the Tundra, and bid our goodbyes to the Ravens flock and the handful of other fans who made it back from Canton. But we were cheered, knowing that in a mere six days, the tailgate party would begin yet again for most of us, and the most exciting football season we’ve seen in years. After yet more lies and exaggerations of sexual adventures as we rolled down I-77, I began to think of our OWN tailgate party, and how the PFUFA experience could further enhance the ten or so events we plan every year. I think we will leave the Pinto Grills and bowling ball shots to Kenny and his Bills, but I think "Panther Bombs" might be a hell of an ideer...

I want to heartily thank Dano for the invite to this most special of annual events. It is a party with few equals that carries not only a football fan’s dream bacchanal, but the heart warming opportunity to do some actual good. As long as Dano and the rest of the PFUFA organization will have me, I am making it a point to commit this time of year to attending.

And I want to thank you, reader, for your interest in the blog.

And I want to announce –

The Cedar Street Seer is back.

You’ll see it in the next rant –

Gotta comment?
E-mail me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

A LITTLE BACKTRACKING...

2010-11-01T23:55:00.002-04:00

And a VERY LATE -

AH HAH!

Told yer so!!!

Just for s**ts and giggles I read my last quarterly report from last season and saw that I had correctly predicted a Colts-Saints SuperBowl.

So, for those of you who mock my prognosticative prowess and powers - (BLu)

THHHHHPPPPPPPPHHHHPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! with extree slobber...

STRANGE SEASON

2010-11-01T22:32:00.003-04:00

Hello, Fanz -

I come to you a deflated one-week Rangers fan, having seen that girl-child Timi Lincecum carve up the American League's Yankee Killers. But I'm not here to talk about America's pastime -

I'm here to talk about AMERICA'S PASSION. Yours. Mine. Half the country. Half the world that's graduated from soccer.

I paid little attention to the Panthers yesterday. I will admit. Your Cedar Street Seer saw the outcome of this game on Saturday, as Peter and Murray asked me what I saw of the game's outcome during our farewells.

Damn, I hate it when I'm right, sometimes. I spent the early afternoon partaking in the 32nd annual CROP WALK, and I had figured I would have a better football watching afternoon tuning into the late games. And, again, I was right. These are the time when I'm REALLY happy to be involved in fantasy football, and I had four starters playing in the Titans-Chargers game. Also enjoyed seeing Brett Favre getting knocked around again in a NO-TOUCHDOWN throwing game. And seeing the scores roll off the sports ticker, I began to think -

What a strange season this is coming to be. Who among you thought the Cowpuppies would be listless and lifeless at 1-6? The Vikings with their appointed and annointed Savior Diva a miserable 2-5? And in danger of falling behind to the resurgent Leos? And the surprises -

The lowly Chefs and Schraiders at the TOP of their division, while the perennial ass-kickers Denver and Sad Diego are suffering some gluteal discomfort of their own? The Sad Louis LAMBS at .500? Something in particular that I liked was that fat obnoxious Rex Ryan having to choke on his own viceral verbage in going SCORELESS at home to the PACKERS. There's your first taste of humble pie for the season, fat boy, and I guarantee it won't be your last. What I DIDN'T like was seeing otherwise well-regarded coach Mike Shanahan actually SIT DONAVAN McSNABB down for the last two minutes of a game against The LEOS???!!! IN FAVOUR OF WRECKS GROSS-MAN???? Did Shanahan all of a sudden turn into Sooper-Stoopid Man??? What the hell is THAT??? At least I give Samauri Mike credit for seeing, early, that Dinky Carr simply sucks. I doubt Dinky gets another shot in the league. Something I have mixed feelings about is Randy Moss' strange dialogue after yesterday's game, and being promptly ejected by his new team. Hate the fact he said what he did, LOVED the reaction of Viking's front office. Despite their offensive woes this season, they at least had the integrity to refuse to put up with disrespectful and disruptive attitutes from an otherwise singular talent with game-changing abilities. Of course, the Pastry-Rots are getting on just fine without him.

And along with the perennial portrayal of pigskin power of those Pastry-Rots, the NY Giants are taking control of the NFC East, the Bears Still Suck, and the Packers are in position, while battered and bruised, to be a contender. Yes, enough of big-market teams are viable enough to keep the ratings up and the media fat and happy as they continue to suck the teats of Mother Pig National Football League. And the Squeelers are back in contention as well, although I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my girlfreind Saints spank 'em as they deserved. Odd, that the score was 20-10. Which brings us to our division.

20-10 was the score the Lambs fleeced us for. But it just may as well been 50-10. What do you think a GOOD team would have done? What about TAMPA BAY, who, I believe is ON TOP OF THE DIVISION!!??? And, even though a great amount of energy was expended in dispatching that overrated buncha goons from Western PA, the Saints are sure to smack us around like a ten-pound Hackey-Sack. Sam Bradford killed us with the small ball, the death of a thousand cuts. Just wait till Drew Brees does with us this Sunday! What was once a refuge for us, the offensive line supporting the ground and pound game, has simply become offensive. And it's sad. Oh, I understand that football's cyclical, and SOMEONE has to suck every season, but damn, I hate that it's US! Years ago, when we were mired in losing streaks, there always seemed to be hope, now, there's only resignation. And ambivelence. And a party.

One good out of three -

Will have to do.

And the strange season continues. And as a fan of the game, I hang on, because that's what you do.

Go Mighty Nimrods, as usual, tops in their league.

And I'm back, weekly, and possibly more.

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A TALE OF TWO CITIES

2010-10-27T20:48:00.003-04:00

Greetings, Fanz -

It's certainly a different vibe I'm feeling as at last I return to the keyboard to post a rant chronicaling a major milestone, not only in my life, but that of your Miss December PantherFanz -

As most of you know, Lauren has just turned 21. As a lifelong sportsfan and shadow of her extroverted pops, her fondest wish for her threshold into adulthood was to spend the day (and night) in the town hosting Monday Night Football. As fortune would have it, it wound up being in Dallas, TX, where some of our very oldest and dearest friends from the halcyon days of living at the Lake Adult Apartments in the early 80's are now residing. So, with tickets to Jerry World procured, and airline tickets secured, the adventure for Little Princess was set.

As most of you already know, we begin this adventure in the PantherFanz party lot, complete with our Canadian Den, and lots and lots of 'shine for Lauren to toast on. Also, for the first time EVER, the whole Seer's family was present for the festivities. A decidedly positive vibe swept through the party, as Dano led us in the proper usage of the now famous "CLAW". Another first found me LEAVING the stadium site after the pre-game party, on my way to conclude Lauren's dearest birthday wish.

After a non-eventful flight, where the attendant informed me they didn't have Dewars, just White Label, (!) (I ordered a double anyway -) we came to Big D looking for a big buzz - and we found it the next day at the sports megasite in Arlington where the game would be played. It doesn't take long to find the opulent Jerry World from anywhere there - a circling of a half-dozen airplanes carrying banners guide you into the Dallas Cowboys Experience. A cooler full of beer, a bag full of Spring Creek Texas barbecue,(OUTSTANDING local 'cue) and our tailgate-virginal hosts quickly elevated our spirits in anticipation of the evening's contest, as an unusually WARM and STRONG wind began to blow in from the west, making keeping your 'cue on your lap a challenge.

Now, you've all seen Cowboys Stadium on TV, some of you may have actually been there, but for the majority of you who've not, nor may never be there, there is no substitue for being there. It positively DWARFS our own BOA, and unlike the Panther's den, it is surrounded on at least 50% of it's outside area by SEAS of parking lots that hold tens of thousands of vehicles, full of tailgaters. After we had finished our 'cue and beer, we ventured out to knock elbows with the largest collection of Dallas Cowboy fans anywhere in the universe. The fact that Lauren and I were in our specially made Panthers jerseys with NEJBERGER on the back made instant and friendly conversation with the jazzed but polite Cowboy fans (hers was 21, obviously, and mine was 50). An off-duty cop libated Lauren with an ice-cold Corona as we approached the maw of this amazing structure. Jerry World, quite unlike BOA, has at least a dozen spectator entrances, making the now mandantory trip through security a breeze, and now, we are drinking in the opulence that is without question the finest structure ever built for any kind of spectator sport, and that includes the Dean Dome in Chapel Hill, Lambeau Field, even Turner Field.

Jerry Jones makes sure you know where you are when you are in his palace. Navy and silver dominate the aqutriments, along with the ubiquitious star. Ghosts of Cowboy past also dominate the place as well. The steely glint of Tom Landry can be seen anywhere and everywhere inside, which is weird considering the miserable way JJ disposed of the iconic coach. The faces of Roger Staubach and Tony Dorsett can also be seen in many decorations. And the place is IMMACULATE. AND EXPENSIVE. $17.00 buys you a pair of Miller Lites (you can't find a BUD here)and you should tip your beer man as well, so 200.00 bucks doesn't last you long when you're picking up the tab for yourself, Little Princess, and your good buddies who sprang a small fortune for four tickets on Level 2. Thank goodness Lauren doesn't need much to get zippy.

So into the seats we materialize, and I'm in complete awe of this place, the largest indoor facility I've ever seen. I KNOW you could fit BOA in here with room to fly a couple of Blackhawks safely around it. OH - AND THAT MONSTROUS TV - seeing it on your small, or even large screen at home cannot in any way even remotely convey the MASSIVE size of it. The picture is photo-clear, and unobstructed by ANYTHING in that stadium, and then, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders come out to dance. Nothing can prepare you, if you're a red-blooded testosterone poisoned organism, for the absoulte sex-dripping beauty that is the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They are without a doubt, the finest, the hottest, the sexiest collection of young women I have ever seen. They are a brand unto themselves, FanZ, and they CAN dance - I imagine there's the Cleveland Browns cheerleaders, The Raiderettes, every one else's cheer squad, and in a seperate galaxy, are these girls. The Top Cats get an honorable mention for Tampa bathroom stall sexcapades, but cannot compare to this group.

And I begin to contemplate this place, this city, this team, that is both equally loathed and loved from Moscow, Idaho, to Moscow Russia, from ChristChurch, New Zealand to Iceland. And I begin to understand it all. Let me digress from my travelogue for a moment -

The year was 1968. I was a lonely boy who'd just arrived in Huntsville, Alabama from Fayetteville Tennessee, and I met a husky boy who for all the world resembled a miniature HR PUFFNSTUFF, Ricky Elliott, who, along with his love for fossils and paleoentology, loved football and The Dallas Cowboys. He became my best friend and taught me how to box, hunt fossils, and play football. So naturally, the team with the star was my first NFL love. My heroes were Roger Staubach, Don Meridith, Bob Hayes, Randy White, and so many others that populated Tom Landry's elite team. I dreamed for years about coming to the stadium with the hole in the roof before Jerry Jones gutted the team of my youth, driving me to the fleur-di-lis adorned team to the east. I will admit being a little sad at never having done so when the dynamite leveled the hallowed Texas Stadium. So, there's a little childhood memory escaping the dungeons of my mind as the game begins -

And I now return to my tale.

This place gets LOUD. I saw a FEW, and I mean A FEW Noo Yawk G'ints fans in the place. It's nothing like going to a Panthers game, where you can find at LEAST 20% of the other teams colours there, more if it's these Cowboys. Of course, there's a smattering of Rangers garb, because they're in the World Series, and the Cowboys are 1-4 at gametime and in peril of dropping out of the playoff chase. But these fans are confident at the beginning of the night. And they're loud. And when the Dallas Defense forces three, yes, THREE turnovers to start the game, it looks like they will EMPHATICALLY crush the losing streak they're on! The mountain-sized TV emplores the 100,000 Cowboy fans to make noise, and they oblige. It feels like a religious experience that I simply did not expect. Even Lauren fell under the spell of the Cowboy mystique which is frequently wrote about, and ridiculed about, but not always experienced by those leagues of sports fans who truly hate this overexposed franchise. After Hakeem Nicks ensures victory for The Mighty Nimrods, my fantasy team, I find myself CHEERING, yes, actually CHEERING for the Cowboys, in full throat, for the first time since 1985! Lauren makes an analogy that she's Dorothy in the Emerald City of Oz, and if you're any kind of a football fan, an evening in Jerry World is just like it, even to those jaded like me that have been in many NFL stadiums. But when Tony Romo is smeared into the Field Turf, the energy quickly ebbs. The defense vanishes, the offense under Jon Kitna turns into the Panthers, the cheering stops, the fans leave. For all of the glitter, the opulence, the atmosphere seen nowhere else in the world, Dallas Cowboys fans act just like the rest of us when we are disgusted with their team. They pour out of there well before the fourth quarter is halfway old. And before Dez Bryant adds a bit of shine to the star, we join the exodus. I have a mixture of odd feelings, a bit of joy that our lowly, sucky, dregs of the NFL Panthers have the same record as the preseason darling of the league almost EVERYONE expected to be first team EVER to play the Super Bowl in their home town. But I feel sad for Mike and Mary, our hosts, because my very good friends are LIFELONG Cowboy fans, and they, just like everyone else who ADORES this team, drank DEEPLY of the preseason Kool-Aid, and at 1-5, with Romo out for what could likely be the season, it looks like it's over for any of this superfoulous playoff talk.

That warm wind blowing during tailgate time had turned into a gale, making it impossible to re-fire my traditional gametime stogie for that depressing walk to the car. Lauren, however, flitted around like a happy butterfly, welcoming the exiting Cowboy fans to the league of suckiness. Most took her good-naturedly. What else could they do?

And I began to line up the ironies and similarities like metaphysical dominoes while the Nejbergers and Ozments continued our buzz into the bedroom community of Mansfield.

Jerry Jones is good pals with another Jerry - THE BIG CAT. They are among the top of the lists of respected and git-er-done owners. But JR has taken quite a different method to stocking his NFL team than his friend JJ. The Cowboys have the HIGHEST payroll in the NFL this season, the Panthers the lowest. And what does that equal?

1-5.

Hmmmmm.

A mountain of pre-season hype crushed. A malestrom of pre-season anxiety confirmed. Huge fan bases now enraged about ticket prices and the prospect of half-empty stadiums and TV blackouts. The talk of fired coaches and draft choices. Fan ambivilance that turns into finding something else to do on Sunday afternoons. And media talk shows that daily crucify the guilty and innocent alike.

But there's a big difference in our two cities. Dallas is the home of one of sports most recognized global brands. The Star. The legends. The Man in The Hat. The Rings. The nations of fans, both boorish and educated, ignorant and elegant. The Panthers, a local microbrew by comparision. The media will pick at this Cowboy carcass for the whole season, while OUR Panthers quietly lick their wounds and find out who among these young "Cowboys" I wrote about a few weeks ago can actually play.

And sure enough, a couple of stars began to ingnite and glow for both of our teams this weekend. Dez Bryant, a top draft choice at wideout, was a monstrous impact for Dallas, and will likely supplant Roy Williams or even Miles Austin. And David Gettis, that 6th round pick out of Bayor, that world-renowned hotbed of recievers, eclipsed his idol, Steve Smith on this day. And Brandon LaFell began to catch balls, energizing this lifeless offense, and applying the miracle deodarant to the team, the town, and all of it's fans.

A victory.

A game to put to end, albeit for the short term, talk of wretched play, overrated and overpaid non-stars, and fired coaches. A game to make you interested in what happens next week, and God forbid it, a possibility, no matter how remote, of a ten-game winning streak.

And having been so well hosted and treated by Cowboy Nation as a Panther Fan in the center of their Emerald City, I hope they get the same experience sometime soon.

And for the first time, I really, sincerely mean it.

Go Rangers!

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CONFIMRATION, with a correction

2010-10-09T23:18:00.002-04:00

Hello, FanZ -

It's the end of an exhausting day on the eve of a very exciting morning in our lot. I realize after viewing our interview on News36, I INCORRECTLY illustrated DA BEARSS' jersey colours as BLACK and orange. They are actually

NAVY and orange

And I stand by my prediction, that Peppers makes a game-changing play for the OVERRATED Monsters of the Midway.

It's one prediction I hope I'm wrong about.

And when the sun finishes melting them on the sunny side of the field, it will be HIS play that will be the only thing that doesn't wither away for them.

Thanks for hangin' with me, FanZ, and thanks to the head coach for having me fly wing with Matthew at the studios.

Indeed, my a-game to present tomorrow morning.

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WE'RE HERE TO PLAY FOR YOUR TEAM, MR. FOX...

2010-10-05T22:23:00.001-04:00

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but once in a while, I LOVE to get my eyeballs around a really good Western. And I LOVE the more recent films with the elder Marion “Duke” Morrison in the starring role of the aged gunslinger, lawman, cowboy, etc. And upon getting the double dip news about Dewayne Jarrett driving while wasted, AND getting cut, gave me pause, and I started to think about the last Western I enjoyed – twice in one week – Here’s the basic plotline –

An aging trailmaster has his regular crew take off from his ranch during the Gold Rush of ’49. Desperate for help, he visits a local schoolhouse in consideration of hiring some teenage boys for the 400 mile cattle drive. He leaves disgusted, but the next morning all the boys from the schoolhouse, from pre-pubescent to mid-teens show up eager for the adventure. After all of them successfully show their riding and roping skills, they take off for Montana, where they quickly learn to become men. When rustlers show up and mortally wound John Wayne’s character and take off with the herd, the young boys, after getting over their sorrow and shock, devise a plan with the help of the chuckmaster, kill all the rustlers, and get Will Andersen’s cattle to their destination.

The movie, of course, is 1972’s The Cowboys, and it has the honour of being one of a very few Westerns I’ve paid money to see in the theatres. Get the pixtchure?

I couldn’t help thinking of the aged John Fox, with a football season to get through, and nothin’ but a group of kids to “drive the cattle” to their final destination. Just think about it! When have we had a team THIS young? Who is starting this weekend against the Bears? A rookie QB, ALL rookie wideouts, two and three year backs, a defense full of recent draft picks –

And like the kids that showed up at Will Andersen’s ranch-

They can do the job well enough for Sunday. Or they would have never made it to the league. They’ll make their mistakes. They are getting their coach (or coaches) fired. Ok, that’s a stretch. But you can see the lines I’m trying to draw. Anything is possible in the NFL, but I think we can all say with a large measure of certainty –

We are NOT making the playoffs this year. Not with this group. Not with this coaching staff. But these young professionals, some of whom are young enough to be our kids, are getting their shot to play a big man’s game. Just as it was to watch the little boys grow into men on that cattle drive, it should be heartening to watch who among these kids wearing Panther Blue is going to step up and be a long-term player. As a father-coach who coached Lauren and her friends in basketball, I can relate to pulling for kids. One thing’s for sure – we WILL finish the season, and the next steps will be taken by the Big Cat to rebuild his (and OUR) beloved NFL franchise. We will see a vastly different Panther team next year, if the dreaded lockout does not materialize.

Just as the parents of those Cowboys saw very different kids when they returned to Will Andersen’s ranch when the drive was over.

A short little rant this midweek evening. Thanks, ^(^#@^#@^+_%$@##+@ computer, for letting me get this far with this…

I’ll be back with thoughts about the weekend –

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HOLD ON TO THAT BELL

2010-10-03T23:23:00.001-04:00

This is a true factual story, culled from the pages of Time-Life’s EXCELLENT series of books chronicling
World War II.

A group of young grade-school age boys in Hiroshima, Japan on the morning of August 6th, 1945 were playing their favorite game of “dive for the bell” at the edge of a pond before their classes were to begin on that day. The weather was warm, clear, and beautiful. Upon his turn to fetch the bell, one of the boys took his plunge into the water to retrieve the bell.

The time was 8.15AM.

The bell was actually an important heirloom from one of his dearest relatives, who would be most upset at this use of such a family valuable. He couldn’t find it. He held his breath, and desperately flashed his fingers through the silty bottom until he felt it’s familiar form in his trembling hands. He shot up to the surface, and sucked in a precious breath, and came back to a completely different world. The B-29 ENOLA GAY had dropped its lethal payload over the city, covering it with an apocalyptic fire never seen by man’s eyes before. The friends he left were smoking cinders by the banks of the pond, the school and surrounding buildings flattened like card houses. And the ghastly procession of burned, mortally wounded countrymen , women, and children, was soon to begin. The boy survived the hell of the day, to tell the story years later, to those entrusted to the memory of the Day of the “Pika-DON”.

And why I would think of this story today, after sifting through the debris of today’s game, another loss in a surprisingly listless season, is this.

While the NFL yearly campaign is SO not the intense conflagration of war, particularly one fought with nuclear weapons, and unfortunately, so many writers who cover this game use warfare as a metaphor for the truculent sport we adore, I thought of our Panthers of as late as last year, when an unknown and untried benchwarmer named Matt Moore was given the keys to the offense, and lo and behold –
Mini-Soda Favres – DEFEATED.
NooYawk Gints - DEFEATED. IN THEIR HOUSE.
SuperBowl Saints – DEFEATED.

Had any random but passionate fan not following the team as closely as some of us had done in the offseason suddenly tuned into this team, they would be shocked at what remains of the Panthers after the Richardson Purge of 2010, as the little Japanese boy was when he saw what he knew completely blown away by the forces of unbridled vengeance of the American juggernaut.

A running team that can’t run.

An attacking defense that can’t make plays. That can’t pressure the opposing quarterback.

Special teams that can’t cover in the return game, that can’t create consistent touchbacks.

Receivers that cannot catch the ball.

An offensive line that can’t open holes or protect the quarterback.

And, a coaching staff and front office that has, all of a sudden, made unfathomably BAD personnel moves.

And other than the special teams, so many facets of the Panther’s game resemble nothing like the team we’ve been so excited to support. Some of the names are the same, but gone are many of the playmakers we’ve been accustomed to cheering for. If you’re like me, you’re glad that Peppers is gone, you’re glad that DelHomme is gone, and you’re glad you’ve got Jimmy Claussen on your team, but the Golden Domer isn’t ready for this game yet, and the roster full of rookies and sophomore draft choices have done nothing to make me think that they are capable replacements for the high-performing veterans that were shown the door. Hoov? One of the best, and underrated fullbacks in the game. Moose? One of the best blocking receivers in modern NFL history. Harris? A chaos-creating safety that is a hallmark of an aggressive defense.

Four games into this season, and there is virtually nothing on this team this side of Mike Goodson that gets me excited. I remember when I first took the keyboard in succession to Marc’s regular rants about the team – I spouted visceral criticisms, heartfelt desire for change, because I cared, and cared deeply.
This collapse into the depths of the league where the Lions, Browns and Raiders normally abide has been swift, and unexpected. I find myself, like many others who follow this team religiously –

Ambivalent.

A deadly state for a fan base. I remember when Jerry Richardson finished the George Seifert era back at the end of a tortuous 2001 season. He described the “energy being sucked out of the stadium”. What in the hell do you think awaits him when he attends the next 6 home games? The state of this team could be worse than that of Chris Weinke’s team.

Here’s what’s coming down the pike –

This Sunday coming up – A stadium half-filled with Bears fans.
October 24 – A stadium half empty, because the Niners may suck as bad as we do, maybe worse.
November 7th- A stadium full of front-runner Saints fans.
November 21st – A stadium full of Ravens fans.
December 12th – A stadium full of Duckies fans.
And to close the “LitterBox” for the season – the sucky Cardy-noles. Attendance could wind up being worse than the 30 thousand Pastry-Rot fans cheering for their boy Brady and the smattering of miserable PantherFanz there, just because.

And that’s not counting the roadkill against the Lambs, the Suckaneers, and yes, THE BROWNS, the Seahawks, the Duckies and the Squeelers.

***sigh***

It’s not what I expected of the season. But dear blog reader, I have resolutely decided –

I will be in the lot. I will be in my seat for every remaining game, save the 9er’s game, as Lauren and I will be on a plane to JerryTown. I will continue to support the team and fellowship with the fans as much as possible. I remember writing a rant about the team I loved, and the team I married. We’re married to these Panthers, especially those of you with PSL’s. For Better or for worse, we’ve got this football team, that’s been gutted by it’s owner in preparation for the decennial labor unrest. Perhaps Uncle Jerry sees something coming we don’t, and he’s’ protecting himself and his investment in this league. Yes, I will be there, I will tie myself to the mast and hang on during this maelstrom of a season, until we’ve come to calmer waters. With, undoubtedly, a new coach, a new staff, and a new front office.

I’ve spent the beginning of the season struggling with the family computer, and having finally cleared enough disk space for this thing to be reasonably running again, I hope to return to contributing weekly to the website again. I do have to share the machine with Jessie, who is in her junior year at East Meck’s IB program, the toughest in Charlotte-Mecklenburg, as she works on project after project. I hope to be able to write realistic but positive assessments of this team as we go through a season we haven’t seen the likes of –perhaps never.
But we all need to hold onto the bell we dove in for. Hiroshima’s a rebuilt city, with very little left to suggest it was leveled. In the seasons to come, the Panthers will be rebuilt, into a team we will all be excited to cheer for again, a team we will get fired up about at each other’s house parties, a team we will get into the Cedar Street lot early for. I believe it.

I will “Claw On”. Just because I have to, no –

BECAUSE I WANT TO.

See you at the lot, friends. It’s good to be back.

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THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

2009-12-12T21:22:00.002-05:00

And in record setting lateness, I make my Saturday nightcap with the Sunday picks, in which I give thanks that CryBaby Tebow gave way to his SEC tormentor Mark Ingram for the overrated Heisman Trophy. And this Sunday is really Separation Sunday for many clubs. My third goblet of wine is taking effect, and let's see if a buzz helps my anemic handicapping THIS week, truncated of course, by the Thursday game, which I would have given to Pissburgh as would have anyone not afflicted by any random mental condition with a Lake Erie address.

DENVER @ INDIANAPOLIS

The Colts have clinched the AFC South. They are a game away from clinching Home Dome for the playoffs. Denver's in pretty good shape wild card wise, but a win here would be bonus, and confidence building. Just like Gretzky in that Nike Commercial years ago-

Uh, no.

Colts by -7.

CINCINATTI @ MINI-SODA

The Cardy-noles exposed the Favres in the desert last Sunday. Tomorrow the Bungles further expose them in the Metrodome. I fully expect the now - defensively depleted Favres to get The Bungles' best shots. And they'll get it and they'll cover, if not win outright. Bungles and the +6 1/2.

NY JETS @ TAMPA BAY

The Suckaneers played well against a listless Panther team last week, but couldn't overcome the turnovers. The Jets will be without overrated rookie Sanchez. I like Tampa in this one in a game that will effectively eliminate the Jets from any foolish playoff talk. Suckaneers and +3.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY

The Bills will feel right at home in a frosty Arrowhead Stadium. I still think the Chefs put on ONE MORE good home game for the fans other than that surprise over the Squeelers. This is one of them. A pick 'em, and I'm pickin' the Chefs.

GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO

Da Bears couldn't muster double digits over a pathetic Lambs team - The Packers are starting to peak at the right time, and they'll put away their ursine division mates handily. Wouldn't surprise me to go past -10, but for now, the -3 is plenty safe for the Packers.

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA

Anyone taking the Deadskins last week made mucho. And I suspect it weren't many. No such shenanagins this week. The Duckies are depleted, and done. Saints by double digits.

DETROIT @ BALTY-MOORE

For the Ravens to return to the playoffs, this is "go time". It's a huge line, but given the importance of this game for the Quothers, I'd be inclined to take the -13 1/2.

MIAMI @ JACKSONVILLE

Of for the misfortune of the Jacksonville viewing area not to be treated to a renaissance of Jaggy-whyer football. I'm sure this is another non-sellout which forces the area to be stuck with watching the Duckies get rolled like so much asphalt. This is sure to be a body-bag game with plentiful hitting. But something about the Michigan Man at QB in a big game has got me convinced - Dolphins and the +2 1/2.

CAROLINA @ NEW ENGLANDLAND

Something stinks in Pastry-Rotsville. Something that won't be made up on the field against a supposedly "lesser opponent". The Panthers have what they have, which is "Moore of the same". Unspectacular QB play, punishing running game, and a developing defense, which believe it or not, is improving with each game. I think they keep it close. Cats to cover that insulting spread of +13 1/2.

SEATTLE @ HOUSTON

Two teams at 5-7, one seriously believing it was ready to step into the elite group, facing dissappointing conclusions to the season. No rally by Kubiak's kids, I believe will save his job, but tomorrow's shootout should be fun for all in attendance. I just don't think Houston covers. SeaDogs and the +6 1/2.

SAD LOUIS @ TENNESSEE

Let's see, the only starter to win for the Titans this year is out, and the VERY OLD Kerry Collins starts. No chance for the playoffs, and the Lambs really needing to get out of the season. Lambs covered last week against a mediocre opponent, I see them doing the same. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and the +13.

WARSHINGTOON @ CrOKLANDLAND

On the surface, this looks like a contest between two Japaneese dudes in bad monster suits on 8mm film - But what this is, is a chance for the AfRaiders to further establish some legitimacy to their downtrodden franchise after the SHOCKER in Heinz Field last week. And for Bruce Gradowski to embellish his resume. The Deadskins are actually competetive, but like the rest of the bottom feeders of league, are pretty much playing out the string, and I'm wasting too much verbiage on a game of such low importance. CrOaklandland byt +1.

SAN DIEGO @ DALLAS

Ahhh, the first of two MEGA HUGE MARQUIS late games for the weekend! The Chargers bring their resurgent offense into Jerry's playhouse for a game that will go a long way in solidifying playoff positioning for the winner. And until they prove me different, I believe December is the Cowbabies' mortal enemy. Bolts and the +3.

PHILTHYDELPHIA @ NY GEEEMEN

The nightcap for the day truly worth waiting for! Should the Giants win, and the Cowpuppies lose, there will be a three way-tie for the division! Both teams are pretty beat up, but I think McSnabb's in better shape than Brotha Manning. Gimme the Iggles and the +1, and the GeeMen have to look to next year.

ARID-ZONA @ SAN FRANCISCO

This is pretty much the last stand for Samauri's boys if they are going to make a statement about the direction of their team. The Cardy-noles had THEIR statement game against the Favres last week. As much as I'd like to take the Niners, I think the whole Monday night deal won't be enough for the home Bay Area Boosters. Cardy-noles by -3 1/2.

THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - QUARTER 3

2009-12-12T18:15:00.002-05:00

Good Saturday night to you all, Fanz!

A brutal stretch of days at the day job has gotten me to the keyboard on Saturdays only, and for brief stretches only. But I made a committment to keep blogging for the site, and I am VERY passionate about the league, even though the Panthers are quite the dissappointment this year. So, with four games left to go, there's plenty to figger out, but some playoff certainties.

Here's the big picture.

AFC DIVISION LEADERS

INDIANAPOLIS (12-0) CINCINATTI (9-3) SAN DIEGO (9-3) NEW ENGLANDLAND (7-5)

Of these four, The Colts have clinched. Another pair of wins probably guarantees a first-round bye and home field. The Bungles are win away from clinching the Norris Division, but San Diego all of a sudden has a resurgent Denver team a game behind. The Chargers have challenging games against the Cowbabies and Bungles, so you can't print playoff tickets yet. And stumbling New Englandland all of a sudden has to check it's six for the Dolphins and Jets - I have a feeling the Pastry-rots will have to fight till Week 16 for the East Division.

AFC WILD CARD HOPEFULS

DENVER (8-4) JACKSONVILLE (7-5) MIAMI (6-6) NY JETS (6-6) BALTY-MOORE (6-6) PISSBURGH (6-7)

The Broncoids have a good chance to make it if they can split their last two games, which could be CrOakland and KC. The other two are Indy and Philty away. Rotzaruck with that. Same deal with Jacksonville. Miami has a more favorable schedule than the Jets, but one of those HUGE pivital games is against the Jaggy-whyers. The dark horse here is the Ravens, who have a very doable final four against the Leos, Da Bears, Pissburgh and CrOakland. If you can, tuning into the Quothers for the remainder of the regular season could be quithe entertaining. And while the Squeelers could theoretically win their last three to go 9-7, so many tie breakers work AGAINST them, that really, math is their only ally right now. And this team, after losing to three of the league's bottom feeders in succession, is done.

AFC ON LIFE SUPPORT

TENNESSEE (5-7) HOUSTON (5-7) BUFFALO (4-8) CrOAKLAND (4-8)

Math keeps these guys in the picture, but really, the draft is in future of these guys, and not much else beyond spoiler.

AFC CASEY CLAUSSEN SWEEPSTAKES

KANSAS CITY (3-9) CLEVELANDLAND (2-11)

The Chefs have Matt Cassel. The Brownies have, uh, yeah, they want the Domer. They've got a shot, as their big game was played two nights ago.

NFC DIVISION LEADERS

NEW ORLEANS (12-0) MINI-SODA (10-2) DALLAS (8-4) ARID-ZONA (8-4)

The Saints have won their division, and will likely be playing in the Superdome for their first shot at the Super Bowl. They are truly the NFC's version of the '07 Pastry-rots. Unstoppable offensively, and good enough on defense to outscore ANYONE. Seeing them go undefeated will be the story of the rest of the season. And the Favres have FINALLY started to wear out! See! Just like I told you. Watch what happens when the Bungles roll in and tattoo the old man. The Cowpuppies are in a death match with the GEEEEEEEmen and Fleeeguls and December. Look out, Jerry. And unless Samauri's boys mount a rally, the Cardy-noles should be set for a second consecutive division title.

NFC WILD CARD HOPEFULS

PHILTHYDELPHIA (8-4) GREEN BAY (8-4) NEW YORK GEEEEEMEN (7-5) ATLANTA (6-6)

In this contest, the G'ints and Iggles will knock one of the other out of the chase. Things will get quite interesting if the GeeMen prevail this Sunday night. And the Packers are in great shape right now, because the schedule favours an 11-5 finish. Theoretically, the Duckies could go 10-6 and challenge, but they are far too depleted to mount a serious challenge. They will fade and only have second place in the Saints-dominated South to fight for, because the Panthers are a game behind.

NFC ON MATH SUPPORT

CHICAGO (5-7) CAROLINA (5-7) SAN FRANCISCO (5-7) SEATTLE (5-7)

During the Bo Jackson heydey, a cool Nike commercial had Bo doing all kinds of things with the stars of the day, who would say "Bo knows golf! Racing! Tennis! etc..

And during the hockey segment, Gretzky skated up and simply said -

uhhhh------

NO.

Not even spoiler.

NFC CASEY CLAUSSEN SWEEPSTAKES

WARSHINGTOON (3-9) DETROIT (2-9) TAMPA BAY (1-11) SAD LOUIS (1-11)

A dismal end to the season awaits this quartet. Josh Freeman had better spruce up his resume. Either the Suckaneers or Lambs are gonna make a big play for Chuckie Weiss' former pet QB.

So that's my view of the league at the home stretch - So how does the CSS see it coming down?

In the AFC, of course, the Colts get home field, but I think MIAMI, yes, the DOLPHINS overtake the Pastry-rots who COULD collapse at home against Carolina, and it's a forgone conclusion that the Bungles could NOT POSSIBLY bungle up their stranglehold on the division. I think the Chargers take the West, and the Broncoids snag one of the wild cards, and the Jaggy-whyers take the other spot. An Indy-Cincy championship game sounds great, but come on, you know the Colts are coming out of this conference.

In the NFC, the Saints are annointed with the Dome Field Advantage, and PHILTHY, YES, the IGGLES, win the division. The Favres, by virtue of their sweep of the former Favres, win the Norris, and Arid-Zona takes the division this weekend. And the Cowpuppies FINALLY get off the playoff schinde and get a wild card spot, as do the terrific Packers. Aaron Rogers will do what he can against the Saints, but the Black and Gold prevail, and all kinds of "Princess and the Frog" tie ins make the made-for Disney Saints story a kitschky back up for

SUPER BOWL XLIV whose winner I would not even begin to predict, only that it could go down as the highest scoring contest since Jake Delhomme got into a throwin' contest with Tommy Terrific.

Thank you so much, fanz, for continuing to read my drivel, and thanks so much, Lauren, for the great anniversary gifts of super-sized wine goblets that hold a half-bottle of wine that made a nice buzz with the quartely report. Another goblet accompanies me for the weekly handicap! Stay tuned!

Gotta Comment?

E-mail me, The Cedar Street Seer
CaptnTee@aol.com

CLACK CLACK CLACK!!!!

2009-12-12T17:51:00.003-05:00

In the days of yore, circa 1980's, when the "Love House" was full of all kinds of debauchery that any frat boy would find cozy, events like watching sports were quite entertaining with the cast of charachters that usually assembled there. When most of the room were pulling for, say, the Tar Heels, a fatal misstep by the True Blue would find the propietor of the Love House, Fayette Jefferies Cloud, King Hed-ian, and NC SNAKE supreme commander, shouting -

CLACK CLACK CLACK! WOLFPACK! NC SNAKES R WIGGLIN!!!

or you could take any assemblage of nouns, adjectives, and add CLACK CLACK CLACK to it and it became a very effective and annoying derisive chant.

And Jeff was great at it.

And in watching the death throes of the Pissburgh Squeelers at the hands of the very WORST team in the league, those three words rose to my throat, and I exclaimed to no one in particular, Jeffie Love's favorite heckle. And I wanted to see those obnoxious arrogant Squeeler fans writhe in disgust at misfortune of the World CHUMPions. Especially that Keystone State goober SQUEELER MARK who calls into the WFNZ radio shows, and continuously puts down the Panthers, while extolling the might of his team.

But a sobering thought came to me yesterday.

The Squeelers are the chosen blueprint for the Big Cat and the team the PSL bought.

How is it that powerful teams from last year so underachieved this year?

A great safety makes a difference, but HOW DO YOU LOSE TO THE THREE WORST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE! IN SUCCESSION!??

Small comfort in the fact we at least died with our boots on in losses to the Saints, Cowpuppies and Duckies, and Buffalo DID beat the Dolphins. But if you ask me, I'd rather be the Panthers right now than the Squeelers. Even with the snooze fest of last week's home game that I never had time to "rant" about, and really didn't have much to say. But the misfortune of the Squeelers?

heheheheheheh

At least SQUEELER MARK can't, and WON'T be going

CLACK CLACK CLACK

on the radio any more this year.

Four more games to go. Two more parties to go. A chance at a non-losing season at stake, at most.

I gotta get typing on the quarterly and the handicap.

Stay tuned.

Pantherfanz Rantz

THE SUPER BOWL CLARIVOYANCE

CHUD WATCH -

THE PRO BOWL HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCES...

THE CHAMPIONSHIP CLARIVOYANCE

THE PLAYOFF HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCE- DIVISIONAL WEEKEND

THE PLAYOFF HANDICAP AND CLARIVOYANCE - WILDCARD WEEKEND

EPILOGUE, PROLOGUE, AND WORK TO DO...

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 17 SEASON'S END!

A VIEW FROM THE LOT - 5 YEARS LATER...

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 16

WEEK 15 POSTMORTEM AND MUSINGS

PERSEVERANCE, PASSION AND PANTHERS

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 15

THIS ONE'S ON CAM, AND I AIN'T "LION"....

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - 3RD QTR.

BIG PICTURE

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 13

WE SUCK LESS...

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 12

SUSTAIN

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 11

SUPERLATIVES

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES -WEEK 10

THE CEDARSTREET SEER'S MIDSEASON REPORT

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 9

A MUSICAL LAMENT

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 8

OCC-CLAW-PATIONAL HAZARD

AMEN, COACH!!!

O CAM-A-DA!

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES-WEEK 7

A SHOUT OUT TO THE WILDMAN'S INSIGHT...

***sigh*** WE TOOK THE CHEESE, BUT WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 6

SO - WHAT THE HELL'S A "DUCKIE???"

FACING REALITY

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 5

BAD TASTE

THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - Q1

GROWING PAINS

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 4

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - HANG ON Y'ALL...

DELIGHTFUL DELUGE

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 3

BELIEVE

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 2

DAZZLING IN THE DESERT

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLAIRVOYANCES - WEEK 1

THE 2011 NFL SEASON FORECAST

CHANGING THE RECIPE

"DRESS" REHEARSAL

A REASON TO CARE

JUST DON'T CALL IT "FOOFA"....

A LITTLE BACKTRACKING...

STRANGE SEASON

A TALE OF TWO CITIES

CONFIMRATION, with a correction

WE'RE HERE TO PLAY FOR YOUR TEAM, MR. FOX...

HOLD ON TO THAT BELL

THE WEEKLY HANDICAP AND OTHER CLARIVOYANCES - WEEK 14

THE CEDAR STREET SEER'S QUARTERLY REPORT - QUARTER 3

CLACK CLACK CLACK!!!!

sigh WE TOOK THE CHEESE, BUT WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....